In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
This week was Rally (Rally!), and so it flew by ridiculously fast and also it was AMAZING, because Rally!
And I feel both exhausted and energized. Wow, Rally!
The hard stuff
Timing and waiting and patience and aaaaagh.
The new Playground space was supposed to have been cleaned on Monday so that we could start painting. But that went off-track in a hundred different ways, and now it still hasn’t happened.
Things are taking time. Messages getting crossed.
I want to get started! My stuff about beginnings is very present this week, and I got to work on it throughout Rally.
Sleep disruption.
Just when I was back onto regular sleeping, I had a rough night.
And then a Zombie Day.
Resistance.
I know what needs to be done on a Zombie Day, but I tried to make work happen anyway.
Even though there are volumes of the Book of Me that are very specific about why this doesn’t work.
Lots of processing.
Nudging.
Some things take time.
Some things require PROCESS.
Especially important things.
I am processing extremely important things right now.
I would like to not be poked about them while in percolation mode.
Especially during Rally. Let’s institute an Absolutely Absolutely no-poking-during-Rally rule.
People I care about in pain and not able to find their way out.
That’s always hard.
Being wrong about something.
But not in the fun way.
Wand.
As I tell people at every Rally, everything that happens at Rally is part of Rally. Even the things that seem like they aren’t.
But I don’t really know yet how to convey the TRUTH of this. That if you come to a Rally, you’re still Rallying even when you are not present at the Playground.
Rally happens at the Playground, but Rally doesn’t live there.
Even if you’re sick or sleeping in, or you experience something really hard that you had no idea you’d be experiencing (tfu tfu tfu, may it never happen to you), that’s part of Rally. Even if it’s completely external to you or Rally.
And Rally is the safe container that holds you in that experience.
Rally, like sabbath, is happening whether you’re there for it or not.
We welcome Rally in. We prepare for the voyage. We embark. As of that point, we’ve entered Rally and it’s Rally. Until we hum our way out Thursday evening.
When you are on Rally and something painful happens, Rally is a nest for your relationship with that pain. Even if you choose not to be physically present.
Hiding. Crying. Discovering how you respond to pain, what you personally find comforting, who you are in this pain place. How to create safety and sweetness. Taking care of pain-you to the best of your knowledge, at the best of your ability.
THAT is Rally. Nothing is an interruption or an interference. It is all part of your Rally. But I don’t know how many Rallies it will take for this concept to take hold. And I guess that’s not my problem.
I would like to wave a magic wand and have the truths that I have learned through TIME and PROCESS be made available for anyone who was willing to receive them. Without me being attached to whether they land.
The good stuff
Piggy!
I resolved the most GIGANTIC stuck ever this week while at Rally.
It has to do with flow and monies and rules and judgment, and I feel a million trillion times better for having figured this out.
That is why I do Rally. That just saved me about six months of trudging through the mud.
Lots of good news. And perfect simple solutions.
All kinds of things just sort of easily worked themselves out this week.
Including things in the business that we’d thought would be torturous and complicated.
Rally! Rally #17.
I love Rally.
This is no secret.
Blanket forts and costumes and snacks and superpowers. But also spaciousness. Peace and quiet. Laughter. Community and companionship. And deep, sweet internal discovery.
Rally is basically the thing I am always asking for which is community and seclusion at the same time.
I got all kinds of things done that I didn’t even know I wanted to play with.
And I didn’t do other things, but that turned out to be really, really fortunate.
Oh and we visited the new Playground and sang to it!
Amazing Shiva Nata.
And wonderful shivanautical epiphanies that are still blowing my mind.
I realized so many hugely important things this week.
Big shifting.
And it was hilarious at the same time. We did things to our brains that should not be attempted at home. Also we were zombies.
Related: have you seen Simone’s absolutely spot-on illustration of your brain on Shiva Nata? Because you should.
Pub night.
Very fun!
Chop!
I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about chopping off more than half of my hair, but I am DELIGHTED about it.
It is exactly right.
Best meeting ever.
I council-ed with someone about my business after not having connected in four years.
It was beautiful, and we hit the ground running.
As if we had both gone through the same (massive) amount of personal transformation and arrived at exactly the same spot.
I feel great about this.
All over the map.
When I asked my friend what he’d been up to for the past four years, I instantly wanted to take back the question.
It’s that kind of awkward facebook-ey question that I actually can’t stand being asked. “So yeah… what have you been doing for the past eighteen years?”
And he said, “Well, I’ve been all over the map.”
BEST answer ever.
I am going to use that for everything now. I’ve been all over the map! The map that I invented!
I love a good answer that says everything without having to actually say anything. It’s a buffer and a silent retreat at the same time.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
The Pythagorean Theorem Is Only One Very Boring Way To Measure Distance.
You’d think that would make a better album title than a band name, but that’s what they call themselves. It’s weird.
But they’re worth listening to. Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
- Rally is AMAZING and it changes everything in your life. There are two spots left for March. And we’re only doing four next year. Come to a Rally!
- Ever since we’ve been requiring the Art of Embarking for Rally, it seems like we get an even higher (I know, how is that even possible?!) caliber of people at Rally. But it’s because they’re doing so much conscious entry before they arrive. It works. Big stuff.
- Same goes for the monster manual & coloring book. You can tell who’s speedy at monster-negotiating. It’s generally the people who have practice and skill, and they have practice and skill because they use the manual. I recommend! 🙂
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
The good stuff:
: Rally!
: Epiphanies.
: The Alphabet District.
: People I love.
: Design mock-ups for my proposed new site. I am swooning. Also, my intuition is a genius and Allie is a genius. That is all.
: Time to myself!
The hard stuff:
: The disorientation that comes from waking up in the middle of a bad dream once or multiple times a night. The kind where you’re still in the feeling of the dream and it seems to take forever to shake it off.
: The glaring bit of incongruency in my home that is my bed. Not that it hasn’t been incongruent for ages, but now it is glaringly apparent.
Ah, Friday.
The Good:
Last Friday I was filled with broken glass. Yesterday I laid down the shield and sword, down by the riverside, and have thrown the door open for Mara and invited her in for tea and can breathe again. And sleep again. And laugh again.
I run now. I’m a runner. My body loves to run. My mind loves to run. I get to wear skirts and I’m fitting into pants that I love.
The kitty sleeps under the cover curled up by my legs now. Which is good because it means I’m sleeping and peaceful enough for her to join me.
The hard: Feeling sort of anxious for much of the week, doubt doubt doubt, a friend in a hard place, lots of monsters whom I mistook for The Voice of Truth for a few days, more doubt.
The good: Allowing the anxiety to be there, getting the hang of my baby meditations throughout the day, mindful movement (delicious), fun with family, having the date for our “wedding”, getting my coaching page rewritten (!!!), a warm day yesterday, fun at the gym, hugs.
Sending everybody a weekend of exactly what they need.
Yay chicken and Chickeneers! Friday Friday la la la. My week felt a bit strange… Really looking forward to the weekend to come.
Ouch Hard:
– Super-stress ahoy, on various levels.
– Bathroom ceiling leak spanning multiple days, still not fixed.
– Oven stopped working.
– Toilet clog happened Late Friday evening; did not get fixed until Wednesday evening.
– …which meant Lovelyman and I went to local establishments to bathroom-ize, which meant being customers, which ended up with us eating much too much junk.
– Getting nausea-sick on Wednesday morning on the way to work, and it not passing until 3 pm.
– Leading a bunch of late 2-hr meetings at work, which had me not getting home until after 8 pm.
– Boss on vacation, so lots of other work-flail.
– Will have to lead more crazy-stressful meetings next week.
– Violet delayed her vacation so we could manage the workstress this week.
– Working from home today being super-difficult due to Space needs.
– Fledgling Migraines, sans aura.
– Lost one of my W2s and didn’t realize until 2 hrs before I was to leave for the accountant.
– Had several instances of Overwhelm Bawl, pre-unstuffing it, this week.
– Coming up against a ton of really odd obstacles related to paying bills, particularly the electric bill. (Serious resistance to feeling compassion for a service that allows one to pay via Discover but not Visa.)
– Stabbing pains in my jaw.
– Not being able to dye my hair. AGAIN.
– The incongruencies keep popping up.
Whee Good Woofs Woofs:
* Long weekend!!
* Despite losing W2, went to accountant anyway with major apologies and he made me feel much better.
* The reason why I keep leading these super-stressful meetings is because apparently I am doing a VERY good job, and the people to whom I am presenting want more of me. I’m proud of that.
* Surprising Allies at work.
* Lovelyman trying his hardest to give me the support I wanted during my Overwhelm Bawls.
* Lovelyman still cooking me good dinners, and encouraging me to choose healthy/subtle when I want and indulgent/rich when I want.
* The electric company (Zap! Electric Company Theme!) representative was really sweet and nice and while I still haven’t been able to pay, she got me out of the ebill service that was causing all the issues.
* Saturday and Sunday Spacemagic worked out, even though we were dragging due to the problems in the other rooms of the apt. Planning more Spacemagic for this weekend!
* Coherers helping out where they can.
* A wonderful gift of metaphor from ClaireP.
* Plans to do the dye!
* Gorgeous faeri-wing earrings in the mail!
* Being able to unstuff the Overwhelm Bawl and make a new “stuffie” out of it. (yay metaphor! my stuff can become plushies, buttmonsters, etc.)
Like last week, loads of support and love and tenderness towards everyone and their goods and hards. Hugs and eggie safe rooms on the floor for those who want them.
Friday! Hello, Friday. Hello, Chicken.
The Hard:
– Didn’t make enough space for Rally, and it worked out perfectly in the end, but with more pain than was necessary.
– Sleep schedule went out the window. Again.
– Waited too long to get derby tickets and now they’re not available online so going is not as assured as I’d like it to be. Feels a lot like I screwed up twice in a row.
– Got overscheduled and had to cancel two things I was excited about. I would like a secret pocket of time in which to sleep, so that I can spend all the rest of the time doing things I love.
– I am very bad at exit. Seeing this pattern everywhere.
The Good:
– I thought Rally would be about X, and it turns out that X is ACTUALLY MIRRORS! (And I know everything about mirrors, so now I know everything about X, which is handy.)
– But Rally really wasn’t about X and most of the time I was working on Y, and Y is not only Y, but also secretly Z, which I’ve been wishing for a way to work on FOREVER.
– You guys! X, Y, AND Z are all happening!
– Mostly, though, *Y* is happening, and I am so overjoyed I can’t even think straight.
– So basically, everything is wonderful, even though I spent a lot more of Rally in my stuff than I would have preferred.
– Most of the hard was *new* hard, because I’m in a new place now. Progress!
– Great fun with people I love over skype.
– Learning more about silent retreating.
– The gentleman came to Rally! And it was really powerful for him and he absolutely loved it and now he gets all kinds of things about Fluent-Selfy culture that even I don’t get yet, and it’s really good.
– I wanted to secretly share X with all my Sneaky Peekers, but I had almost no Sneaky Peekers and I told everyone to sign up and then they *did*. So I got to enthusiastic my tiny, sweet thing in a safe space.
[Insert some kind of mindful exit here.]
Frrrrriday!
Havi, I am sooooooo happy to know that you resolved that gigantic stuck. I can feel the relief from here, somehow!
Meanwhile, in Kat-land…
Hard:
–My daughter lost her temper at school. I can completely understand why, but I can also understand why the school officials feel the need to give her a fairly stiff consequence.
–And oh, there are times when I (at least partly) wish I were a single parent, so I could just make the parenting decisions that feel best to me, without the need for negotiation and compromise with my parenting partners. Yes, there are advantages to our different points of view, and actually we worked things out pretty smoothly this time, but still, ARGH.
–I had a Zombie Day of my own this week. It’s that pattern I have of taking me-time after everyone else has gone to bed. I can’t keep doing this.
Good:
–Singing well and feeling strong-voiced.
–This morning, I decided which song I’m going to use for my Big Crazy Audition next month, and I’m so excited about it, I’m practically thrumming!
–I did some really excellent writing this week — in casual contexts, but still, I had that feeling of yes yes yes that I sometimes get when I write, that is such a joyful and empowering thing.
–I didn’t consciously plan it this way, but I’m suddenly realizing that my VPA for this week, my gwish to carve out time for working on the Book of Me, has been yet another way of Rallying (Rallying!) with you, in some small way, from across the miles. So, yay!
Cluck cluck cheeps
Hard shtuff
– the soup of chilled out-ness I reported on last week did not last and sucky things started sucking again the very next day! Fancy that…. Ah well…
– when someone’s understanding and retelling of ‘what went down and why’ around a painful event gets progressively reshaped to fit the old mythology that
createdsignificantly contributed to the event in the first place and the REALITY of what went down gets lost to their sight. AGAIN. And they feel confused and pained about how it happened AGAIN and I get worried/shitty/tired that I’ll ‘have to’ explain it all AGAIN and I’m sick of the old mythology and feel resentful that the other person still ‘holds onto it’ (which may or may not be what they’re doing, I don’t know), but whatever, I just wish things were different. Yes. That’s a bit hard….– three separate and different-in-a-hundred-thousand-ways situations that I am bearing witness to that strike me as remarkably similar in some key ways and about which I have lots of opinions, which I shouldn’t because I really don’t KNOW that the key points I’m perceiving are relevant/true, and anyway is really just showing me a whole lot of really useful information for ME about MY values and how IIII would try and act in certain circumstances, and yet my Cassandra-self who would love to give a Whole Lot Of Really Good Advice (possibly with some head-donking ‘DON’T BE A MORON’s in there) is feeling pained that ‘if only people would do things MY way/listen to me then we could avert all this PAIN’… And even though I know that their pain/way of doing their things is none of my business I care about humanity and find bearing witness to other people’s pain painful, especially when I think it could have been averted. So that’s a bit (championly cryptic???) hard…
– husband is out of town and baby is imminent and being all ‘que sera sera’ and stoic and brave and okay with maybe having to have baby without him is sucky. I do not like having to sit with this maybe.
– Also fucking OUCH this not-just-late-preg-waddly-discomfort but regularly-have-to-breathe-through-it-PAIN without any POINT for two WEEKS now is just bullshit and I’m shitty about having kept getting HOPEFUL about well-at-least-I-won’t-have-to-face-that-weekend-‘alone’ but now here I am ANYWAY and ouch-pain thanks for nothing! I am cranky!!!
– discharging discomfort about above stuff via jokey stuff on facecrack and getting told off and having to talk about my ACTUAL feelings and vulnerabilities… on facecrack… Not ‘having to’ of course, choosing to, to clear the air and show up authentically and crap like that, but sometimes I wish everyone could see my jokey stuff as the cover it is for the vulnerability and then they could respond to that bit and we wouldn’t have to ACTUALLY talk about my ACTUAL feelings!!!! Mind reading skills for all, please! So much less confronting…. *wry smile*
Ack… stuff!!
Good shtuff
+ life. My whole life is good. Really it is. Everything is fine and even stuff that is hard is really kind of interesting too and I’m getting so much better at sovereignty and consciously interacting with stuff and not being impressed by stuff because as Yoda would translate it: impediment to your destination this wall is not. Information it contains. Get you there, it will Jedi, if interact with it you can.
+ this place. Where I learnt all the above. I’m really happy it exists.
Chicken out. xoxoxo
Hello, fellow chickeneers!
The Hard:
There was stuff. And it ended up bringing up some of my STUFF. And while this might actually be really good in the long run, and I’m trying to think of this as a sovereignty exercise, and now is not then, and everything… it’s still super hard.
The Good:
Felines on the move! Four kittens went to one rescue. Possibly 10 more going to another next week! And I asked for help, and got it – someone else is taking over coordinating with a colony caretaker.
Writing! Revisions are feeling easier this week, so that’s a happy thing.
Happy smells! About 4 years ago I’d ordered a limited edition scent from Black Phoenix Alchemy, and loved it. And the other week I wrote, like I do once a year or so, just in case… and they had it! And that was the last day to order! And its here now, and its ridiculous how happy that makes me.
Asked about something big. And wasn’t shot down. And I’d really like it to work out… But I’m going to go silent retreat on it, hoping that I hear back soon.
A friend is home from the hospital. We had thought it might be another three or four weeks. But they sent him home with a telemetry vest and life is much better.
Force fields have been wonderfully intact, and I most of the week I’ve felt pretty darn safe and happy and relaxed. (other than one afternoon that was probably due to only getting 3 hours sleep)
Meeting up with an old friend. I saw an old friend for the first time in almost ten years. And when we last saw each other, we were each going through stuff, so I was a little apprehensive about it. But all was well, and it was so nice to see her and also to know that things are ok.
Conscious entry rocks. Had a client meeting, and took the time before hand to think about how I’d like it to be – fun and playing and in the best of moods all the way through. And so it was.
Hugs and sparkles and best of all wishes to anyone who would like them.
Eeeek! The great! I just parallel parked! Without even thinking about it and without any hesitation and perfectly! I have been afraid of parallel parking for years! I feel like the world has just opened up for me! Rally is MAGIC!!!
Whoa! i have been celebrating the friday, yet somehow the chickening comes as a complete suprise… it’s been a strange week!
The hard:
::I was excited for a thing. for serious-really-and I do want to do it. and I made no forward momentum on it this week. why?
::that was most of it. the feeling lost and completely distracted. there is a sneaky wall here that hasn’t wanted to talk! (maybe color?)
::lots of time on jobs, not as much time or energy for fan the ember / blog. and there was lots i wanted to do.
The good:
::The most amazing, alive, bike ride ever!
::communication with the stuck job started it flowing beautifully again. yes, that is good.
::teaching good classes
::answering amazing questions and realizing yet again how writing something makes it more real and conscious
::not getting in too huge of knots over a particular piece of biggification! whee!
::i can hula hoop!
::almost sick, and swerved around it. I’ve been getting better and better at this – it’s almost a superpower!
::whoa the silent-retreat personal piece of good that was SO BIG i almost didn’t remember it as being part of the week. whoa.
this chicken was bracketed by whoa! much more pleasant then woe. love to all of your chickens!
@Elizabeth — Parallel parking! That is so awesome! It’s always been kind of hit-or-miss with me, sometimes so easy and natural, other times impossible; I can almost hear the percentile dice rolling as I approach the parking space.
Hard:
-Still slow-adrift in many ways.
-A lot of small verbal tangles with my partner–nothing major, but stressful still.
-Many instances of me writing in my journal something like “OK, now I’m going to get up and [do 5 different things for That Project]” and something different actually happening. Enough for me to look at the pattern and hopefully deduce something useful from it.
-Technical difficulties on That Project. It turns out that alcohol inks can be DISSOLVED by epoxy resin, which is very inconvenient. Back to the drawing board.
Good:
-Finding many small ways to take care of myself.
-Trying things with curiosity and generosity-to-future-me rather than the guilt/shoulds/fear that I once would’ve used in those situations. Just on small things now, like slowwwly decreasing caffeine consumption, shifting sleep patterns, and doing little bits of tidying, but the mindset is so different and wonderful that I hope I can use it in lots of places!
-This week, I’ve held a sleeping baby, visited TWO cafes in ONE morning, cooked a delicious dinner for all of my housemates, and made better friends with my new torch.
Have a lovely weekend, everyone!
Hello hello Friday! Hi Chickeneers!
The good:
Vacation! In Alohaland! And once I realized my pattern of wanting to control so everyone’s happy actually makes everyone stressy and annoyed, I let go that need, remembered that we’re all rational good people I can trust to be careful of each others’ feelings, and it was fabulous. Everyone got along, we had a wonderful time, and it was so much better than I could have imagined. That I figured out and let go of the pattern before the vacation happened was sweet.
Big thing I keep coming back to about giving up versus holding on, and I’m getting all kinds of ideas about the pattern. How to know when to push, and when to rest. Lots of thinking, lots of writing, lots of epiphanies.
Less than a month until Rally! I really get to go, and SOON. Lots of wonder and preparing to enter.
New friend from two different places. Connection! The best thing ever, finding someone who relates to the same things to share the joy.
The not so good:
Stuck in money stuff, and bill stuff. Leftover bad bad pattern from years ago. Silent retreat!
Shoulder pain, body unhappiness, bad sleep patterns. More vegetables needed, and less of the other stuff. More yoga. Yoga makes everything better.
People I wish were still in my life who aren’t. Letting go of them, but wishing I didn’t have to. Remembering how to hold someone in my heart without the need to have them present.
Suddenly needing a nap every time I consume caffeine. What? That’s the opposite effect! It also makes me feel irrational because it’s a silly small thing, but it makes me so very unhappy. My reaction feels out of proportion.
And here I am. Happy weekend!
So last week, I silent retreated. This week, I’ll silent retreat only parts of my chicken.
The Hard:
– i have no desire to work right now. I also have no desire to go to reno this weekend even though i have to.
– being stuck in so many ways
– a sick upset husband.
– the big huge silent retreat and all that goes with it.
– I’m frustrated about so many things right now and am ready to skip ahead a few months. Patience? yeah I could use some of that.
The Good:
– a good modification to last weeks super horrifying news, that makes it slightly better. At least I hope it makes it better because in my mind as not the one being directly affected it should be much better.
– sat down and figured out what needs to happen next in my novel.
– walking at the river with my husband
– the sun is shining.
Hello Chicken and fellow Chickeneers!
(The first good is that I think I now know how to make things bold in my comments – let’s see if it works!)
The Good!
– Skype Shiva Nata with Rhiannon! Yay! Super fun flailing! And Just hours after the session, I magically found the way to fix all the things about my desk/workspace that had been bothering me for months, and that makes everything better!
– Unsticking some serious stucks! And noticing what techniques and tools I am using to do this. This noticing is already coming in handy as I work on the stucks that have yet to be unstuck!
– Having a lot of fun at work! Yay fun! I love my job. 🙂
– Excitement about a big change I am thinking about making, even though I don’t have any idea how or when I can make this happen! But yay for possibility! And special appreciation for the spontaneous Enthusiastics I have been receiving when I have told people about my possible plan!
– Discovering a superpower of mine that I didn’t know I had, but that I just love! 🙂 Extra thanks to Rhiannon for helping me notice this superpower!
– Making room for new things by letting go of old things. Actually being okay with (or at least be okay with being in the process of becoming okay with) letting go of old things even though I don’t know yet how and when the new things will appear. Ten things gone. Closing doors. Everything feels more and more congruent.
The Hard
– Some things are still stuck. Closing doors and letting go of things brought up stuff. My monsters are being very vocal about the Doom! Of Doom! that will befall me. But I am accepting where I am in my stuff right now, and I am learning a lot about how to interact with my stuff.
*blowing bubbles to everyone and their Chickens!*
Chickeneers, yay!
So many good things here. The Exact Week I Need, from Kylie – thank you, Kylie.
The hard:
-Had a contraction that followed an expansion. Ugh.
-And the other things. Ugh, ugh. Silent retreat.
-Pushups! Man, they’re hard.
The good:
-Saw a very familiar bad thing coming a mile away this time. I dodged the bullet! It was so satisfying.
-Had a wonderful session with a very fun and wise business consultant. Helped a ton.
-Formaggio is carrying Counter Culture coffee now. I am well-provisioned.
-Also, no matter what else, there is the Chicken. Grateful for Chickens and Chickeneers.
Thank you all!
Ah, this week – feels more like a month, in the best possible way.
The hard:
My skin is all lizardy and dry and flaky.
Also I seem to be slightly allergic to the chair (maybe the polish?) I sit on a lot…but I don’t notice till I’m scritching my skin.
Hormonal/period problem that I thought was resolved clearly isn’t.
The good:
Discovered this incredible book about energy medicine in an effort to shake of the last of the tiredness from being ill. I’ve spent so much time this week playing with this stuff and it’s awesome.
Some sort of reconfiguration of my stuff with time. So that despite being almost in slow motion at the start of the week, it didn’t bother me. I even entertained the notion that just maybe, everything was happening with completely right timing. Amazing.
Cleaning out under my bed and throwing away a lot of stuffs no longer needed.
Yesterday I felt sleepy and floppy and just wanted to curl up and read and snooze and drink tea and cuddle the cats. So I did. It was amazing. I did feel a twinge of guilt at one point and then dismissed it by thinking of how much doing this was a eff you to so much that I don’t love about society. It was awesome.
Then this afternoon I just sat down to scribble some ideas and more or less downloaded the blueprint for my business for the next few months. And wrote something that I’ve been wanting to say for the last couple of months.
This all happened without me feeling overwhelmed, or like I need to do everything now or DOOOOOOM.
Plus talking to ex-boyfriend again and its just really nice and uncomplicated.
Took some photos this week that I’m very pleased with…and they’re all quite different too.
Aaaaaaah.
Wishing lovely weekends for everyone.
Ahoy, mateys!
This week’s hard:
– Tired. Tired. Tired. Getting plenty of sleep, but still tired.
– Politics. They make me stabby.
– Being told little lies about things that don’t even matter. Knowing I’m being lied to. Not understanding this compulsion and finding it really hard to dredge up compassion for it.
– Watching a loved one dig holes that don’t need to be dug and erect barriers where they’re not needed. Wanting so much to find a way for him to skip over all this struggle and get to a better place, but knowing he has to do it himself and that all I can do is offer to be there for him to help him figure it out if he wants to.
This week’s good:
– Fantastic group of students for my class on Tuesday. Lots of fun.
– Signed up for and got in to a series of art workshops with really cool, well-known teachers working just outside of my comfort zone. Playtime to look forward to over the next eight months!
– Reading. Reviewing. Learning. Playing.
– Putting my me-stuff on my schedule first, then fitting work-stuff around it. Revelatory! Making steady progress on everything.
Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
Mmmm. Chickening. Very, very necessary.
The Hard
Great gobs of stuck. I keep thinking “I have stuff that MUST BE DONE” which only makes the stuck worse.
Also, cycling back to avoidance, and not in the silent retreat “run awayyyyy” way. Am trying not to judge the avoidance, but not exactly diving in with both feet, either. Uncomfortably realizing maybe I’m not supposed to.
Resent-y. Grrr.
Wanting FLOOP so incredibly badly. Patience — I don’t have it.
And my laptop has the Blue Screen of Death. 🙁
The Good
Discovering new teachers in stuff I don’t like. Remembering that I can choose my responses if I pause.
Sometimes not responding’s better.
Taking moments. Remembering to rest.
Teaching writing! God, I love that.
Taking little steps.
Ice cream. Remembering to go to a meeting. Grilled cheese tonight YAH! 🙂
Mwah. Glad you guys are here.
The Good:
An epiphany or a breakthrough or whatever you might call it. A visit from slightly-future-me. Never understood this concept – and then it happened. It was lovely. I am still feeling the after-effects, the glow, the ripples or what have you. Things seem easier, doable. Life seems possible. It is a possibility that I can feel pulsating through my body. I trust the me that is her. It feels like coming home. To myself. How poignant that I should feel this now, of all times. But still, how lovely.
Silent retreat on the hard, as I would like to sit with slightly-future-me’s presence a bit longer.
Love to all Chickeners and Lurkers 🙂
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– Being in the middle of a move to a new apartment.
– Mind-Boggling lack of transparency of information at work (among only 6 of us!)
– The Wind. 78mph is just too much. I seriously thought the windows were going to shatter as they were bowing in and out. No sleep for 2 nights!
The Good:
– Managing to stay fairly calm and grounded during the hectic-ness of the move.
– Applied to something that is way out of my league but did it anyway and feel good about it.
– The excitement of picking out some new furniture/accessories for our new apartment
The good this week:
Feeling some creativity and rejuvenation. A renewal of motivation.
My forced bulbs are blooming! But I need to find a metaphor for them, because forced sounds so violent.
Idea for a story! Hurrah!
Wrote a pretty good paper, and enjoyed the process.
Had a couple good naps.
Good times with the gentleman. Wink wink.
The bad:
The person I asked to be my roommate next year said no. Noooooooo. Now I have to find some random stranger to live with me and pay half the rent for an entire year. Gaaaaaaahhhh! And I am somewhat stressed from the not knowing: not knowing what state I’ll be living in this summer, not knowing who I’m going to room with next year.
I’ve also just been feeling the need for change. Change in a few ways. In one way, a change of routine or locale. I want to walk in the sun, but I don’t want to walk the same path I always take. I want newness.
Also, feeling the need for change in more of a…holistic way. A bit like coming to the end of my rope, or growing pains, or something. The changes I’ve been wanting need to come about! I need movement, and being outside, and cleanliness, and creativity. And I have some of the motivation to do this, but I’m stuck in old patterns, and time is always an issue when there are so many things to do and so many things vying for priority.
Yup. That’s my week.
oh the hard
stuckness like goo. unravelling knots so tied to themselves that It just takes a tug here and a tug there and patience I don’t have time for.A painful dream about not being prepared , one of those. (caught up in the stuck and knots no wonder i dreamt it) and feeling sad. still. hurt still.
the good
friends, children, warm day ,spring ,my sister .
giving myself permission to try to look (peek) at my systems-that-make-me-fluid-and-creative and realise they work and how good if I could introduce a drop at a time something that would take away stress and looking at leaving presents for future me and noticing when I don’t I am beginning to ask why not. which is change in itself.
Hello friends and hello, chicken. I am so happy to be chickening because my brain is finally taking a breath and ahhhhhhh….I really needed to take a breath. Today has been so very busy.
The Hard
Out of my routines. Out of my monk’s cell. Out of time, out of patience, out of peace. Ouch.
Looming deadlines. LOOMING. Both in the looking-ominous way and in the weaving-together way, because dangit four big deadlines and they are all colliding. March is going to come in with a roar, that’s for sure.
Being so very busy that I didn’t do my regular revues, and skipped a few days entirely. Sad me.
The neck pain!! Ow. Starting the week helping my sister bail our her flooded apartment was hard enough, but then the neck sprain, ow! Even doing the things I know to do –> not working or fixing it –> sad me –> stressed me –> more pain –> big loop of sad and pain and ouch.
Waking up in pain. My least favorite way to start a day.
And also, wishing I had better pain medication and not knowing how to get it and knowing that even if I did have it, I don’t have the time to be doped up, with all these blasted deadlines.
Not being able to help as much, or carry as much, or drive as much, because of the neck sprain. Feeling a little out of sorts for not being able to engage with my body as usual.
In general, being in the hunkered down in a bunker feeling (bunker hunkering!) with all these deadlines, and my assorted doom monsters, and wishing I had more time, and not being able to access what I need, it’s lead to one long week. And I’m in a space where I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, and that makes it harder/more painful/worse.
Reading about the hateful thing and getting very sad.
The Good
Reading about the reaction to the hateful thing and LOVING MY TRIBE so very very much for how awesome it was.
Being able to take Monday, against all monster objections, just for myself. Thai food and video games and naps and Walking Dead. Yes.
The grant budget that practically wrote itself! The day where my grant writing partner and I were ON FIRE with awesomeness and speed! That grand feeling that Things Are Working that I love so much!
Solving one part of the Pants problem, and getting clarity on other costume issues.
Going to bed early and waking up at exactly the right time in the morning, every time, with no alarm: beautiful.
Finding my special neck pillow on the exact day I needed it most.
Rediscovering another thing I didn’t know I’d forgotten about, and getting excited about it all over again. Hooray!
Getting a letter from Jess written on old opera photos.
Finishing up that lingering holiday project: awesome!
I gave advice to two different people on how to approach workplace conflicts and difficult conversations, and realizing I had important stuff to say about this, and both people responded to it positively.
Beers last night, saying bittersweet farewells to a colleague, but having so much laughter and good times with old friends. Also onion rings were very helpful.
The basement flood: not a disaster. Brilliant.
Humming and singing in the car, and how it solved some problems this week, even.
.
Wishing weekends full of delectable delights to you all, and hugs for the hard. I know I sure needed some this week, so I’m sending lots more out to everyone else. xo!
Silent retreat on The Hard, for now, until I understand it better. Looking at it from different angles, asking it questions.
The Good
– Just got Monster Manual & Coloring book and played with it this a.m. YAY! At first, I misread & thought it said Monster Coloring Book (of Comfort) not (of Doom). And that’s not what it said, but still, it is true! Especially Good: The laughing out loud at the funniness of the monsters.
– More order created in the home, part of this month’s ongoing Life Experiment. Boxes to the transfer station and Good Will. Etc.
– Writing got written
– New insight about old pattern
– Showed up for friends despite the Urgency Monster telling me I was too busy. Glad I did it; felt good.
Howdy cluckeneers,
“All over the map” by Ellis = great song [not a metaphor]
Rather irritating stuffs:
-nasty headache Thursday =missing volunteer stuff.
-3 super long days at work.
-wanting/needing more sleep.
-slight crabbiness while exercising–odd.
-noticing pattern of overwhelm on Sunday evenings.
Super awesome:
+all day Monday to myself, it was glorious.
+Friday we celebrated our made up holiday, IMAD =so much fun.
+some revising got done.
+my wife is a joy.
+challenge dance class, grateful I was in town.
Super weekend to all! M xo
Chick chick chickies!
Back from a couple weeks of silent retreat.
The hard:
Moving on from money worries to money terror.
Overwhelmed by someone else’s needs.
The good:
Moving through money terror to a space of determination.
Tools for an Expansive Life is almost ready to open to the world!!
Slowly picking up momentum on the blog and twitter.
Opening to a new place in my singing. Making a song my own.
The Floating Playground is starting next week!!!!
Sweetness with my partner.
Chickening:
The hard stuff:
– Physical pain, which I pretty much live with and do things anyway.
– Emotional pain around loss. I can’t be around people when I’m experiencing this kind of pain but it’s good to know that people care.
– Rudeness. Being brushed off. One person sweetly rude and two who passed a decree and expected/accepted no questions.
– Damaged property on the flight home.
– Seeing a couple of people going down a path that where I can foresee lots of pain and trauma and difficulty, but they are wearing blinders and won’t listen.
Illustration (but not actually the situations I’m talking about): if you see someone who has diabetes and kidney disease living on a diet of hot dogs and potato chips, you know that they are going to be harmed by it. But you have to stand by and let it happen. (Not talking about MrB!)
– Difficult trip home.
The good stuff:
+ People care.
+ Seeing my family again. It felt like it had been months!
+ I wanted the super power of Helpful People and there were many! I became one myself (that was part of the ask) at the airport.
+ Home.
+ Brilliant insights into what I need right now and what I need to do and some ideas about how to do it.
+ Progress on many fronts.
Scary:
* flat tire + freeway rush hour
* expenses, both anticipated and ambushy
Hard:
* limitations
* frayed/broken connections
* some dread/tension re ongoing and incoming piles
* hamster-wheel insomnia x 2
Good:
* resources and loved ones to help with scary and hard
* watching lots of tennis and exploring Memphis
* fresh clarity re where I’m at
* poem accepted for nifty anthology
Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead.
I’m Silent Retreating on the week, but just wanted to say that I am SO HAPPY that Rally exists, even if I’m much too far away to be able to get there myself, at least for the moment.
But just popping in to this magical space on the Internet is peaceful and calm and feels like Rally to me.
And I’d like to ask for the Superpower of ‘Community and Seclusion’, which sounds like just what I need right now, even though I have no idea yet how to achieve it.
Hello!
Loved to read this week’s updates 🙂
The Hard
– Monster Worry
It was hard to get up most days of the week as the monsters were all up and running and highly worried about Last Week’s Unpleasant Supervisor meeting. The one were she threatened to take away my scholarship and kick me out of the program. The same one were she misunderstood my concerns and situation completely. Basically, the monsters were saying: she is right you are incapable, THIS WILL NOT END WELL.
– Canceling events
I am not a big fan. Although the space it creates is awesome, it has to be said.
– Doing Work Under Monster Circumstances
It had to happen, it has to happen. But it’s messing with my zen to force results and to force writing and to push through somethign that I want to be joyful.
– Feeling Defiant
I sent a secret application again. I seem to be hiding from the supervisor and doing stuff anyway. It’s a bit Bruce Wayne but also – it scares the shit out of me. I am just not sure what is going on yet.
The Good
– Family Weekend
Well a Demi-Family Weekend, really, but it was calm and peaceful and filled with respectful chilled welcoming moments.
– My Friend is Here !
After some previous communications concerning meeting up in this city, we now joined forces to experience various sides of hanging out here. Awesome conversation! Meeting of minds! Reminding each other of our awesomeness!!
– My other friend was visiting!
Making me feel less alone and helping me move through some of the monster pain. Reminding me there is later, and after, and so many years to life that will be better.
Onwards, dapper friends !
* blowing fairy dust *
* off to the batcave to do some VPA ing *
@Lurker Mouse Caroline – I was feeling that was this week too! So nice to just know that rally is happening in the world.
The Hard:
A misunderstanding and an email response sent too quickly. It all got sorted in a happy way, and the response was just facts, not anything snarky so yay for that, but I am still working on invoking the super power of “I don’t have to response to everything right away. Or ever… dammit.”
Finding burnout… really really really deep burnout. Burnout that makes me cry whenever I think about it. Especially on days when I happen to be wearing mascara.
There’s a whole post around here somewhere about being in the place between getting rid of old patterns and waiting for the new ones to show up. Yeah, that. I’m loving all this work I’m doing, but I feel so scared and vulnerable too. Walls are coming down, allowing for greater possibility and happiness and sovereignty and spaciousness and all kinds of good things, but those walls were put there to keep out shoes… and I’m kinda constantly anticipating shoes, even though everyone keeps responding to me with love. It’s disorienting.
Oh my goodness, enough of that… on to the good!
*breath, body, force field, sending anxiety to the elevator shaft*
The Good:
I asked for something. A BIG something. Like, taking 3 months off from life and going to live at my aunt’s house in NM so I can read and write and create and process and HEAL the giant burnout. And I got it! But I did the “what will I do if I don’t get this and how can I still give myself these qualities if my aunt says no” stuff and and and… it worked!
There are more people to talk to about this. but I found out my boss is moving out of her house (our office) for 2 months while it’s being renovated, which creates more room for discussions of part-time remote work agreements so I’m not stressing money while this is all happening? Yes, please. Ways to have enough savings in the bank by then to live for a while are also showing up in my life in fabulous ways, so either way the options are good. And I may have ordered a bottle of sovereignty spray from Deborah yesterday… because I will need it.
Learning to cultivate spaciousness. So new. So beautiful. So counter-intuitive for me.
Waking up at 5 AM every morning with no alarm and getting in an hour of yin yoga. Hooray!!
Learning how to exit things and not worry that I might miss something. Well, starting to learn anyway.
Lots and lots and lots of yoga and shiva nata, including my first shiva nata class with Simone! Yay!
Really awesome fun contra dance last night! Wheeeeee!!!
I am waiting to figure out exactly when I am going to be in Taos and whose car I am driving and whether I can drive it by way of Portland (which is nowhere near Taos, except if your from NY. Then it’s totally on the way.) And then having to decide whether I put in for June or July rally (before they fill up, please!) And whether I can also go to Shivanauticon. I’m putting trust into the pot.
Phew… I think that’s enough for one week. Love to everyone.
186 is another one of “my” numbers, so I was happy to see that this is chicken number 186 (like love potion number nine but different).
Hard:
Looking for the dog and not finding her because she’s gone. I keep expecting her to meet us at the door when we come home, or to be lying in our bedroom doorway at night.
Migraine on the day we had to go to my son’s final hockey games of the season. Not wanting to miss them but also not wanting to be sick so far from home.
Silent retreat on the rest of the hard.
Good:
Coloring date with my new wacky sidekick. Much laughing and conversing was also had.
Sales are up on baked goods and streusel topping so the bills are covered next month. Yay, relief.
It’s the final two games of hockey for the season, so next weekend I’m sleeping in!
Chlortrimeton and a nap eased the migraine so I was able to go on the hockey trip.
Tasty Indian buffet near the hockey rink. And crock potting the black beans at home actually resulted in properly cooked beans instead of slightly grainy mess. Feeling nurtured.
Sparkles and fairy dust for everyone. 🙂
Chiiiiiiiii-cken!
The Hard:
-It’s February. Which is the start of the Spring Thing. Which I’m realizing I still don’t understand very well at all.
-Going to therapy is poking some old pains, and I’m using some crappy pain management methods.
-I’ve been doing a hell of a lot of nothing, and as much as that sucks, a part of me is resistant to changing that.
-It’s been two weeks since I interviewed at Job X, and I still haven’t heard back.
-I just feel like I’m waiting all the time, and it sucks.
-I think the bus drivers hate me. Outsider complex.
-There’s just so much internet, and so much news & political stuff, and so many shows, and I feel so damn behind. I want to have all that knowledge but I have very limited capacity right now. And I keep thinking that I’m choosing the wrong things, because surely news is more important to follow that The Biggest Loser, right?
-Mourning what I’m not sure how to mourn.
-I like the way I run my life + relationships now. But I don’t share everything with ppl cuz I’m kinda private. But then I think about what they *would* say/think if they *did* know about how I run things. It’s very Scorpio of me. And energy-intensive.
-Money sucks. Collection agencies suck. Having to sign a registered letter telling you how much money you owe sucks.
-I got a very un-sovereign haircut. It’s growing on me, but it wasn’t what I wanted, and it led me to process some of my stuff, which wasn’t super fun.
The Good:
+Therapy.
+Deciding to get out of the house and Do Stuff has worked out so far. Today I went to a funky little place in town for coffee & a bagel, and I ran into my stepbrother, + an old high school friend, + a friend of his, and they all had interesting things to say and also some job leads. Huzzah!
+My man-friends are the best. Totally awesome dudes.
+My ex is doing really well.
+Beginning to have a local place to find internet, where I’m becoming a regular.
+My kitty! I feel like I mention her in every Chicken, but she’s awesome. She’s totally used to her new home, she loves running up + down the staircase, and she’s been going outside, eating grass, hopping on the roof, and enjoying this faux-spring weather we have in Nor Cal right now.
I’m sure there’s more, but I’m putting it in the pot!
Hello, Saturday! Hello, Chicken! Hello, fair Bullies! (not like mean bullies — like chickeneering mates!)
This week felt like it flew by, and at the same time contained an eternity. Whoooosh! gazing back into the depths:
The Hard:
-The back pain that refuses to find closure and exit. And even though it has taught me some lovely lessons, I’m still feeling like a host with one awkwardly lingering guest (hello sweetie, there’s the door. i’d really like to have my full range of movement and energy back!)
-Heading off to the airport when my love was totally sick and stuck in bed. No fun.
-Flying with a sore back.
-Working with a sore back.
-Dreading my minimal reentry time/space.
The Good:
-Wonderful performance last weekend.
-Extra day built in to my schedule devoted to entry (bows of thanks to sweet past-me)
-Everything!! By which I mean, RALLY!! (so much love to Havi, Selma, the Caboose, and the full Playground)
-Surprise of rallying with Jessica (hello, love! such a happy surprise)
-Meeting and spending time with so many other wonderful people (rallygators are the best. totally.)
-Shiva Nata! Yes!
-Beauty and Ease and Movement and Community and Love so many other cousin-qualities
-Going back to work was actually a pleasure this morning (bonus superpower of speedy ease-filled reentry!)
-All of the seeds planted that will be unfolding in the next days, weeks, months, years.
xo
This was the week of my queer Quaker Gathering! Wonderful!
Hard Stuff:
+ouchy foot
+Alien Body Part Orbit Cycle, continued
+had to miss rehearsal to be at Gathering — worth it, but, still. I hate missing rehearsal EVER.
+frustration about food at Gathering
+sadness about people who were missing
+F’s performance – it was hard for me to be confronted with the knowing that terrible things happened to my beloved friend
+itching
+still some residual awkwardness with [person with whom i used to be in love]
+trying to get my apartment “clean enough”
+worrying about F…and T…and A…and all the other people I love and worry about
+Operation Need New Shoes is really more like Operation Fret And Bit My Nails right now, and Operation Need New Clothes is really more like Operation Radio Silence.
+made the Necessary Doctor’s Appointment (nailbite nailbite nailbite)
Good Stuff:
+GATHERING!!
+being with lots of wonderful friends-who-are-my-family
+HUGS
+Apple to Apples until we fall over!
+finding my own private space to retreat if needed
+not really needing it very much!
+Gender Fabulous Celebration and Support Circle
+people saying nice things about me (as a person) and my crafts
+making finger puppets for my friends (age 4, 7, and 11)
+7-year-old-friend’s face lighting up like all the stars in the sky when he won the rainbow bag I made
+enjoying the gifts I left for my Future Self when I returned from my trip
+my friends in Indy missed me, so they mailed me a giant plush broccoli in a dress.
+cinnamon double chocolate pancakes!!
+curried pumpkin-spinach wontons!
+unexpected dramatic epiphany that has radically improved my perception of my body image
+things still going well with the Fathership
+trying to start a local gaming group and generally expand my social life
And my fake band of the week: The Jamalons.