In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Chicken is late tonight — I had a madcap day of back-to-back meetings, all related to the gigantic new Playground and related businesses that we’re about to open.
In addition to running the current Playground, which is about to become the Playground Caboose.
Anyway, you can add THAT to the hard and to the good of this week.
I’m here now. Happy almost-over Friday, and oh sweet weekend, thank goodness you’re here.
The hard stuff
Migraine all last Friday.
Worse: it’s that familiar migraine. I know what this is about and I am not liking it.
Setting expectations is incredibly, incredibly hard.
This week I had a lot of sadness about that to process.
You know what else is really hard? Releasing expectations.
Yes, yes it is.
More unanswerable questions.
If people were even slightly aware of how much their questions reveal about themselves, and how little the questions are actually questions, well, the world would be a really different place.
I feel strongly about not answering questions that fall into this category, but I have yet to find a way of explaining that.
I’m waiting for the right loving, gracious response that lovingly, graciously explains why I am not responding. Haven’t found it yet, but I’m sure it’s on the way.
Worry.
Worrying about the entry space to the new playground and how to make it feel special and otherworldly.
Worrying about other things.
Forgetting.
Specifically: forgetting about some of the most important Absolutely Absolutelies.
Like how body time always has to come first. Yoga time always at end of day, no matter what. Because otherwise I can’t function in the way that I need to function in order to __________. I’m filling in the blank with about a hundred different things here!
These can’t get pushed aside for work stuff anymore. If I’m having a zombie day, body time can be super restorative. It can even be napping.
But no more like this. I am so very done with compromising the things that matter most. I’m done with internal pressure and done with external pressure. DONE.
Nothing can get in the way of this thing that I need. Ever again.
I forgot how important it is to stand for the things that take care of me, and it hurt.
Unexpected schedule changes that make more work for me.
See also: releasing expectations.
The good stuff
Chrysalis.
The Director told me to remove myself for my birthday.
And I did.
It was nothing less than incredible.
I have more trust in the chrysalis process because of the ridiculously transformative thing that happened last time, but this time the passage was a much bigger one.
Hamentaschen.
I baked. For Purim. With figs and currants.
I love baking hamentaschen.
Even though I can’t eat them.
Happiness.
First painting party at the new Playground.
We had eight people come to the new Playground to help out.
The mezzanine is now painted. The ceiling of the treatment room is installed. And progress progress progress!
There is still way more work to be done before we can open, but I am feeling hopeful. And if you’re in Portland this weekend and you want to join us, PLEASE let me know on our Frolicsome Bar facebook page.
Birthday.
For me and for the business.
Last year was the first time that I really got to take time for myself.
And this year that was even better.
Friends.
I am huge loner, but this year I experimented with going out to drinks with some girlfriends to celebrate the tenth anniversary of my divorce.
Pattern-shifting, again.
Wonderful massage with Wally.
My hips feel amazing.
Epiphanies and realizations…
So many! I can’t even stand it.
Between the Shiva Nata and the stone skippings and interviewing Athena about secret things, everything in my life is different now.
That’s really crazy. But it’s also really great.
Athena.
[Silent retreat!]
Being done.
I’m taking a sabbatical from a bunch of things that don’t feed me.
And this feels really liberating instead of painful, which is how I’d imagined it would be.
Thank you for all the presents, for me and the Playground!
Thank you, Audrey and Barbara and Casey for sending blue, purple and green cloth for the new Treatment Room.
Thanks, Yael for fun play-filled books.
Thanks, Claire for beautiful stickers, and Angela and others for the sweet cards.
Thanks, Foxy Jess, for sending presents and toys for the new Playground!
Thank you, Briana for the perfect reminder about magic.
Thank you, Richard, for the Power Tool.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated āpeople will hate me and be jealousā to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
Where Is The Surprise?
And yes, it’s just one guy.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
We just had two people cancel for the March Rally (Rally!). There was one spot open, so now that’s three.
This is HIGHLY unusual. And an amazing opportunity for whoever jumps on it.
And here’s the thing.
Most of the 2012 Rallies are already sold out. We’re only doing four in 2013, and those are filling up too. And then no more Rallies.
Well, there may still be Rallies at the Playground. But not with me.
So. If you’re thinking Rally, this could be your magical opening. See: Rally!
March 19-22.
It is going to be life-changing and magical. Plus you’ll get to see the new Playground before it opens!
That’s it for me ā¦
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. Weāre supportive and welcoming. And we donāt give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Hellooooo Friday. Hellooooo Chicken!
This week. Wow.
The Hard:
– Sick! And how often I feel it, and how much it brings up for me about all the various thens.
– No energy at all. I taught a few Shiva Nata classes. I wrote two blog posts. That is exactly all. Nothing got done.
– Messy house. Grrrr…
– People telling me what to do, and then other people telling me that I need to get used to people telling me what to do. Which is not what needs to happen at all.
– Similar conversations with many tragic consequences of me not being clear on what I want. “Right now I want to complain about being told what to do. I would like for you to nod sympathetically. I would not like for you to speculate on whether being told what to do is inevitable.”
– An e-mail I am -terrified- to answer. Somehow my monsters have decided that any way you cut it, I will lose everything I ever cared about with this e-mail.
The Good:
– Hey, there’s a BABY inside of me!
– That’s what’s making me so sick and tired. Only my lifelong dream coming true.
– My gentleman friend is the bestest person ever. And very patient. And helpful. And very good about listening to me describe, minute by minute, exactly how nauseous and exhausted I feel.
– Walking outdoors, and how good that feels.
– Yoga, and how good it feels (except when bossy strangers are telling you you’re going to miscarry. See “being told what to do.”)
– Giant breakthrough about monies, that hopefully someday I will be awake enough to act on.
– Also, ongoing monetary gift out of nowhere gives me some breathing room in the meantime.
– Thai Coconut Soup is the best. Especially when it goes down and stays down.
O-kay. Friday!
Hard:
–Chickening on my smart phone’s tiny keyboard. A small thing, but annoying.
–A meeting that I was so very anxious about for days. The dread was draining.
–Not feeling able to sleep when I was “supposed to” sleep. Not feeling allowed to sleep when my body wanted to sleep.
Good:
–Danced with an iguana I’d been avoiding for months. Oh, the relief!
–Magic Fairy Wonder Dust really works. Just saying.
–So much singing!
–The meeting, while not great,was better than I feared.
–So much support and kindness in my world!
–I feel the power stirring…
Howdy to the Friday evening Chicken and a new year at the fluent self.
I am happy to put this week to bed.
The hard.
-well tears, lots of them.
-silent retreat.
-sadness about stuck around sleep.
-swollen ankles.
The lovely.
-lots of things to notice with gratitude.
-so many good things, much sympathetic joy.
-dancing and costumes and strength.
-spring coming on.
A lovely weekend to all. I am so glad it is here. xo
Hard:
* So much to do to publicize
reading and book
* So much tax preparation paperwork
* So much everything else
* Freaking insomnia
* New/impending expenses
Good:
* Progress on multiple fronts
* Cobalt-blue nail polish
* Good hike around lake
* Bestest dog at the foot of my bed
* Saying no and no longer
Shabbat shalom to all.
“You know what else is really hard? Releasing expectations.
Yes, yes it is.”
Indeed! This is something I’ve been working on for a while! So so hard!
And now the Chicken! Hello, Chicken! Yay!
The Good
– Finally getting the bags of stuff to donate out of my house and dropped off! Ten things gone! But really, more like a hundred things gone! YAY!
– Having straight hair for a day – it’s like a fun new identity! Yay!
– Playing with “living in possibility all the time” and then getting an unexpected and exciting proposition that could make something I wanted possible – which could lead to all sorts of new possibilities! Yay!!!
The Hard
– Letting go of stuff. So very hard, even though I know this stuff is no longer mine.
– Not enough movement.
– Nagging cough. Grr!
*blowing bubbles to all the Chickens*
You have a mezzanine, how awesome is that?! And a mysterious connection to the Greek goddess of wisdom, very cool.
Also, you’re welcome. š
Bedtime for me so I’ll forego the hard as it will rile me.
The good: There was a day that got over 60 this week and though it was windy, I was delightfully surprised to find the breeze warm.
And a couple days before that we got a nice layer of snow which looked awesome in the moonlight. I’d been missing that.
Cheers, everybody!
Cluck
@Rhiannon: congratulations! Blessings! Breaks from the nausea once in a while! *gwish*
Hard stuff
– sore body. Owwwwww……
– sleep in short spurts only. For the forseeable… In itself not a problem, but the consequences… oh brain fog and tired, hello old friends….
– money and bureaucracy bullshit. Also, paperwork. Yuk.
– Little Lad a bit discombobulated by mum staying in hospital and then coming home and grandma being there and who’s in charge etc. And he’s fascinated and in love with baby Bolivia and when his emotions run high he finds it harder to listen/understand/attend/follow instructions. Plus he’s learned how to whinge. Combined: we’ve had a few rough moments this week….
Good stuff
+ baby Bolivia is a little champ. Easy and a pleasure and verr verr cute. Naaw.
+ when he’s not being a pain, Little Lad is completely adorable and unique and gorgeous.
+ finding time to wave to husband over the piles of work surrounding each of us.
+ family, friends, food, luxury and good fortune. Glad I live it.
xo
Ok, Friday! So good to read everyone’s chicken… Love to all!
good goods –
-wow crazy amazing potential for business! Dream bubbles growing big.
-mmmm dancing and that other thing – I gwished for something that is turning out amazing!
-new shiva nata opportunities! Lots of them, whoa. š
-sunshine – Womg sunshine!
Hard hards:
-um. Texting. Incomprehensible to me for detailed planning with unfamiliar people. Completely changed how I thought about someone/thing. Related: sovreignity, resisting putting too much trust in things, the edge between reading things realistically vs negatively vs over-optimistically…
-enforced idleness… Something didn’t want to get unstuck.
-hmm, s’all for now…
The Hard
– worries, always the worries about work
– being in my sister’s new environment; trying not to have strong opinions. a lot of confusion about what my role is.
– feeling lost in time with no clear delimtations
– lots of triggers about where I am in life
– some outsider complex due to noisy crowd partying upstairs
The Good
+ some epiphanies.
+ holidays! some time away from home.
+ skiing – i can do it now. and it felt a-ma-zing.
+ experimenting. experimenting with a new role; also experimenting at the playground with entry&exit and dropping of monsters.
+ feeling excited about the months that are coming – the calm, the quiet, the time to organize things my way again
The hard:
Shoulder/neck pain. Not going away. Perhaps even getting worse. *sigh*
Yes, there have been some money gremlins showing there little faces this week.
Things taking longer than I thought to do, and time seeming to vanish. The consequences of this = frustration, not doing yoga, too much time on the computer.
Thinking something awesome was going to happen and then…it didn’t.
Some moments of just feeling a bit low and meh.
The good:
Made a phone call I’d been dreading the possibility of for over two years, and was really worried about, and it was fine. I remembered to use all the stuff which helps. Yay.
People are interested in my thing(s). The ones that aren’t even on sale yet.
Walking by the beach. Sunshine. Taking awesome photos.
Feeling like big shifts are happening under the surface, and that while everything might seem to be happening super slowly, maybe this is necessary.
I am definitely 100% recovered from the virus of doom. Thank goodness.
My cats being particularly adorable.
Being able to calm the money gremlins and then look at and deal with the situation from a point of being not freaking out. Yes!
Happy weekends everyone!
The Hard
Sore neck, funny tingly feelings in arm,hand & shoulder. All RSI related &
leading to my ‘Gloomy doomy, you will die! Soon!! ‘ monster shouting at me. He means well but it doesn’t help.
Feeling fat & a bit meh.
Knowing there is paper work I need to do and not doing it.
Iguannas – silent retreat
Someone threw a shoe at me and I knew it was a shoe but it still hurt & made me want to disappear my little project so that no one else could throw shoes at me.
The Good
Remembering that then is not now.
Other people liked my tiny project and were sweet about it.
Realising that sometimes putting my projects in the wrong spaces can lead to the wrong people which in turn can lead to shoes flying through the air.
Remembering the idea of red velvet ropes.
Sunshine – so good to see it again!
Sitting in the garden drinking tea & listening to the robin sing
My gentleman friend being 100% supportive and reminding me that it was only one shoe!
I’m developing a tiny gwish – silent retreating on that one.
Releasing expectations is hard… Oh, this is so true. So very true.
The hard from this week…
Memories that I didn’t want to remember coming to the surface in a very vivid and disturbing way. Ugh.
@Linda – I’m with you on the sore neck this week. And the monster shouting.
A doctor visit (yet again) and a thyroid ultrasound. Along with waiting for the u/s results (hate the waiting for things like this, and will still have to wait a few more days).
The good from this week…
Some wonderful phone calls!
Lovely and helpful emotional support from special people.
Sunshine!
Feeling a sense of excitement about certain things I haven’t felt excited about in a while.
… Wonderful weekend wishes for all!
Ā”Hola, Chickeneers!
It’s Saturday, so I’m glad for chicken amnesty.
The Hard:
– I’m getting a cold, so I’m not having milk in my coffee, so I’m bereft and I’m being a big baby about that. It’s the little things.
– I’m taking a class that is so intense I may perish in the middle. Like childbirth, I knew what I was getting into – but not really.
– I saw a really huge pervasive pattern, which is the “I’ll do it later” thing. I’ll fix it later, I’ll get another chance, I’ll rock it next time – all of that. I was familiar with this, of course, but this week I saw how much of my life is soaking in it. Ugh.
The Good:
– Got an amazing massage. Had the suspicion that death will be like going to the same place I go when I get a really good massage. That probably doesn’t come out right. It does go under The Good Category, this realization.
My heart got torn out of its sockets this week. It didn’t kill me, and I’m trying to put it back together again and resist adding a giant plate of popemobile glass around it. I still need it for my whole life and everything. I wish my hopes didn’t have a thousand Mylar balloons attached to them all the time. And the good is I’m feeling better today. And I’m finally learning how to swim in a meditative way instead of in the crazy keeping from drowning way. And every time I swim I get better and reminds me how to be everywhere else.
“entry space to the new playground and how to make it feel special and otherworldly”
When I read this I instantly thought of a golden frame, like this one: http://www.digitalframebuyingguide.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/37d5e_5Bfree_photo_frames5D_4603522172_58d18144dd.jpg
Like walking into a mirror. š
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– All the extra busy stuff that comes with this point in the semester
– spending time unpacking when I want to do other things
– not sleeping well
The Good:
– new place to live! it is so quiet and perfect
– My Friday afternoon committee meeting that has been going on for 2 years is over! The committee has accomplished its charge and is done. Hello Friday afternoons!
– Relaxing some personal constraints and finding some freedom in systems
@Rhiannon: Had the same experience in a dance class when pregnant (ages ago)- it still shocks me. Wishing you a veil of protection (if you want it, of course). It’s just like people asking questions that really aren’t questions but proxy(not in a good way) for some other agenda. Havi – I’m with you on that — not that I haven’t done that myself, mind you.
On to the chickies
The hard:
Realizing that I have to cut a client loose. Never had to do this before, not sure on how. Want to stand in sovereignty and kindness. Any suggestions?
Sort of good/sort of hard: Someone put in an offer on the house – way to low. At least there was movement.
No one scheduled to even look this weekend.
The good:
broken oven fixed – good-bye to stove top dinners.
Fantastic massage
Amazing 5 Rhythms session
Great lunch with an old friend.
An old idea is new again.Renovating it. for now.
The ground is softening, buds are happening, it feels like spring.
Ch-ch-chicken!
This week’s hard:
– Really terribly awful funeral. So much sad and hard and hurt.
– I am not a mind reader. Other people sometimes seem to have a hard time grasping this. (Sometimes I think things might be easier if I were a mind reader, but they really wouldn’t be.)
– Tetrising schedules. Unexpected whammo busyness started this week and continues through next week.
This week’s good:
– Systems planning for future me let there be room for me to move things around and be where I needed to be and do what I needed to do without putting work or other priorities in jeopardy.
– Nice time with my niece last night and this morning. Fun opening for an art show I’m in last night; blueberry muffins, and making jewelry this morning.
– Even with all the busy, I still set a distance record this week for moving meditation at more than 11 miles.
– Extra validation from clients in the form of three project referrals this week.
Happy weekend, Chickeneers!
The Hard:
Friends not being friendly. Plans made then changed to be thing I don’t want to do. Then plans this morning and everyone woke with excuses or a hangover. And then not owning there stuff and making it my stuff. And then wanting me to go out with them on their terms since they haven’t seen me all week. Bah.
The Good:
Ran this morning.
Got my tax bill from the accountant. I love knowing facts and moving forward.
Beautiful blue sky this morning.
Choosing to stay home today.
The Hard:
Wrestling with depression again. Getting stuck. Getting nothing done in the hard, as it were, and feeling anxiety over what isn’t getting done. Money tightness.
The Good:
Epiphanies every-damned-where. Discovering the permaculture analogy. Deciding to take a nap AND go to bed early to try and take care of myself. CHecking in with supportive friends instead of isolating. And raspberries on sale. Mmmm.
Hello, Friday! Er…Saturday!
And so we go looking for the hard and the good, which seem rather entwined this week.
1) The exciting thing! Which is also the very hard thing! Silent retreat!
2) the complicated conversation that I wish wasn’t complicated, but even I can’t really imagine uncomplicating it. I’m aware that the complications are because of emotional attachments. But I can’t seem to unhook. Lesigh. On the up side, I think I am –we are–doing the conversation pretty well. I wish I felt more expansive and less stressed about it.
3) the house is messy. I need to clean it.
The unmitigated good:
1) sap! it runneth over! from coke bottles and sour cream containers and jugs and buckets! It will be syrup if the propane supply holds out. I have never done maple sugaring before. I think it is excellent fun, especially as it involves tromping about in the woods.
2) the amazing good people and thank goodness we have all practiced our communicationing see #2 above. I wish Everyone In The Whole World could practice good communication. I think it would seriously help things a lot. Bad Communication Is The Root of All Evil, I believes it.
3) Airline tickets not skyrocketing just because it’s 19 days before the flight instead of 21. Getting good timing tickets so that at least that part of the conference (yay, conference!) won’t be stressful
4) as won’t the presentation, which I totally wrote while driving (onto my voice recorder) in a single one-hour flash of insight. http://momentumcon.com. And bonus! Dr. Elders is going to be at the ending keynote, so I’m SUPER glad I didn’t try to fly home early.
5) Kissing maple trees when I collect sap. Yep, I’m a treehugger. Nope, I don’t think that’s a problem.
6) walking outside! Even if I didn’t get the relaxation hoped for. In general, remembering to use the tools I use with my clients. What is easeful? What is pleasurable? What feels good? What can I do with that information?
Best wishes to all for the hard and the good this week!
Hello, Chickeners!
The Hard:
– Really, *really* old patterns of keeping myself in pain and/or discomfort are re-surfacing. I have just noticed them, even though they’ve been around for the past week and a half, or so.
– Finding The-Perfect-Place but only being able to move in in September. Continuation of house hunt for sublet this summer.
– Job hunting. So. much. stuck.
– Exhausting school week, missed two deadlines.
– No reply yet about The Bunny Arrangement. The grief feels like a water balloon filling up ominously, pushing up against my heart, getting ready to blow any minute.
– Seventeen billion things to do, hanging over my head like those cartoony anvils suspended by a flimsy rope.
– Also noticing the not cleaning up pattern, another old one, also been around for a week.5-ish.
The Good:
– I FOUND THE PERFECT PLACE TO LIVE! That has room for Bunny. And a park right outside, literally, right. outside. of the front door. And toys, because the landlady has grandkids. And warm landlords that feel like they could be my grandparents, if my grandparents were not always inflicting so much hurt/anger. I am so happy.
– I managed to make it through the Week of Exhaustion and the deadlines I missed amount to less than 2% of the grade.
– Got grades back from the midterms and assignments last week and found no grade slippage, despite feeling as though I had done worse.
– Lovely experience socializing after my seminar.
– Caught up on sleep today.
– The decision to go back to weight-training is being processed.
Invoking Chicken Amnesty. Yesterday needed to be what it was, which was chickenless.
Sending love to all chickens. There is much I wish to call out but no time in which to write it. I will just say that Popemobile glass is the best metaphor for self-protection.
My week!!!
Ouch Hard:
– Still in the Space mess. It is so, so difficult for the US and us to deal with our lives in this space, as grateful as WE and we are to it.
– Seeing an amazing Space we adored (sunset view over NYC!!) that is too small to fit our life and lives.
– Bathroom ceiling leak STILL OMG STILL not fixed.
– Oven STILL OMG STILL not fixed.
– Having to wake/get up at 5 am for sekrit workstuff when I am SO a latenik.
– Unable to stay asleep during sleep cycle disruptions for the 5 am wakeups.
– Sekrit workstuff is SERIOUSLY huge and looming.
– Boss choosing inappropriate bodies to throw at his freaking out about the huge and looming sekrit, and I can’t say anything about it.
– Lovelyman has ringworm on his leg WTF WTF
– Cats being invasive with buttmonster and special pillows
– Poor, poor Violet still has not gotten her vacation, and I need to make sure this happens.
– Wondering why I keep finding new and exciting incongruencies in my life.
Whee Good Woofs Woofs:
* Finding such marvelous not-alone-ness in the FLOOP that I wasn’t expecting.
* Sekrit workstuff tugging my future success along with it in a remarkably good way.
* Huge friend get-together on Friday night with excellent food and wine. Ooooh bone marrow. We say swoon!
* First of my tax returns arriving.
* Lovelyman being simply amazing and handing me my sovreignty on a regular basis.
* And I’m so in love. This is such a nice thing.
* And Lovelyman fitting in with friends who want us to succeed!
* Potential Space happiness.
* GOTYE. Excellent music. Referencing the 80s. Happies.
Loads of support and love and tenderness towards everyone and their goods and hards. Mwahs to all who want them, and respect and joy to all others.
Howdy.
The hard:
~wife out of town and a baby who didn’t want to sleep leading to a giant bodily crash
The good:
~supportive friends and family
~lots of good walks in *amazing* weather
~a good talk with a good coach
~5 uninterrupted hours of sleep
~some very healing meditation time
Wishing everyone lots of warm, gentle light.
Oh, chicken, how I’ve looked forward to you.
The Hard:
I’m making realizations about myself, my brain, and my work. And maybe my Work. And it’s unsettling, and I’m starting to think that I may need to consider shifting things that I hadn’t meant to shift quite yet. Which is probably good in the long run, but at the moment a little disconcerting.
My body felt like crud for two days, and I was expecting it, but it still annoys me. Even if slowly I’m getting better, I really don’t like feeling like crud. Meh.
The Good:
Lots of thinking. I’ve managed more thinking/processing/moments of “OOOH! That’s how that works in my head” this week than I donāt know when. Woot!
A fantastic opportunity has come up to participate in a putting together a proposal that lets me get back just a little bit into academia, and I’m giggling about how much fun this is. Even if the paper isn’t accepted, it’s nice exercising this particular muscle again!
Tax papers to the accountant. Finally.
Shiny blue fabric. With sparkleys.
@ Max Daniels: “- I saw a really huge pervasive pattern, which is the āIāll do it laterā thing. Iāll fix it later, Iāll get another chance, Iāll rock it next time ā all of that. I was familiar with this, of course, but this week I saw how much of my life is soaking in it. Ugh.”
Me too! I know I have this pervasive pattern and it seems like when I *can’t* do the things I’ve been putting off, that is when I really start wanting to do them, and then when I finally *can* do them, I don’t want to anymore…
This has not been the best week for me. The hard things included:
– spending an entire night in the emergency room with MrB before he was admitted.
– the medical explanations for his problems were too simplistic to be accurate or believable
– information getting lost or scrambled or otherwise not communicated clearly: ER docs told us one thing and hospital docs told us something else
– Not sleeping well.
– Anxiety dreams/borderline nightmares
– Other responsibilities that canāt be put on hold while I deal with this.
– Feeling like my extremities are half asleep when I walk or try to do anything.
– Email not working right, which made it harder to take care of some of my responsibilities.
– The Boomerang Boy is still here; his fatherās illness has him really worried and stress tends to trigger psychotic episodes.
– Fluid retention because I was eating wrong — why does the hospital serve food that is so high in sodium? My feet and fingers and face are all swollen and it hurts to walk or type or write.
– Feeling chilly every evening this week.
But any week that includes chocolate isn’t all bad.
“It’s surprising the weight that the small, good things in life have against life’s great troubles.” — Margaret Fraser
The good:
+ Chocolate.
+ Hot tea.
+ This time NOBODY blamed us for MrB’s condition. Sometimes they do.
+ Realized that of the three things I identified a few months ago as being missing from my life, two have appeared, though not in a form I expected. Still.
+ My mom, who is frail and elderly, seems to be perking up as the weather improves.
+ I am in need of some Systems that work for me, and have taken a few steps to make that happen. Yay, systems!
+ I made notes about this hospital thing and am planning now to have a Hospital Bag to keep along with the ER Bag. The ER Bag has sweaters and change for vending machines and phone numbers and other things I know we are likely to need in the Emergency Room.
Sending love and support and blessings to the chickens.
Sunday Chicken, yeah for chicken amnesty.
The hard:
– Constant multitasking in job and constant communication seems to result in exhaustion that is deeper than I thought and also results in constant mind chatter that is driving me nuts.
– I know that all the good organisation that I have established at my job will go downhill again very soon once the woman is back who I replace.
– Outrageously loud parties the past two Saturday nights somewhere close to where we live. Felt like my bed is right in the middle of it.
– Keep waking up at night. The frequency last night was such that I seem to have been more awake than asleep.
– Looking at myself in the mirror after such a night.
The good:
– I have one month to go at work and I said very clearly no when asked if I could stay on.
– I will have three months off before the next job (which will involve a move to another country) and I am gradually figuring out what I need on transition road.
– I had two amazing theatre nights, one play and one ballet. And nice company for both.
– A person who I thought would take everything for granted said thank you which meant a lot to me.
– Slowly getting back into morning meditation and rediscovering other vital stuff I learnt in my MBSR course a few years ago.
– I have 5 days off in a row and this is only day 2.
– I tidied my warderobe and threw out two big bags of clothes and stuff to go to my 2nd hand place and to the Red Cross.
Joining the chickening — for the first time? — on the blog, rather than in my head. Hello, all!
The Hard:
Getting rejected from a fellowship possibility for next year. Working through the ways this feels like a dismissal of my work, and lots of conversations with the doom-and-gloom “you’re never going to get a job in the humanities in this for-profit world and the guild system of the universities” monster. Needing to move forward on various writing projects and feeling stuck. Still so tired from the deluge of family last week. Commuting more days than I usually do, and not feeling grounded in my only morning at home.
The Good:
Rediscovering poetry that takes me outside myself and helps me see the dazzling world around me. Feeling like I’m coping with this rejection letter better than last time; able to find myself a little bit sooner, even if it’s still a process. Fun hosting a big family brunch! Giving thanks for sunshine, daffodils, and flowering trees. Extra day commuting meant the chance to discuss and see some great theater in a great city.
Goodbye, last week. Go in peace.
Whooooo, chickening in!
Hard stuff:
+Ninja Pizza Date. It was actually about a zillion times less hard than I would have thought it was going to be if I hadnāt proxied the hell out of it. In fact, it was almost entirely not-hard. But it was still exhausting.
+Being so freaking tired most of the week. Iām still not entirely sure why. Noticing that itās hard for me to distinguish between āIām more tired than usualā and ātiredā.
+Shoes. BLAST.
+Foot. OW.
+Had a hard time getting through EndZone
+Lots of avoidance…probably…so many iguanas…
+Still stressing about the Sight Balls
+Maybe I need to actually have a talk with Project Infinity…since Iāve Chickened out on it for a few weeks now…
+Chasing myself out of The Cave
Good stuff:
+Ninja Pizza Date! Which was about a zillion times less hard than I would have thought it was going to be if I hadnāt proxied the hell out of it! And I got SuperGoo! And PIZZA!
+Made myself a Special Weekend Meal – tempeh portabello stroganoff, yum!
+Chocolate chip maple spice cookies, YUM
+Playing and connecting in the Floating Playground!!
+Resting when I needed to rest
+practicing at Asking For What I Want
+discovering Binaural Journeys, WOW! The Journey of Relaxation has been AMAZING for me.
+discovering I have the Superpower of Making Bagels!
+FINISHED all the EndZoneBlitz projects and got them MAILED!
The hard.
massive humdinger of a shoe thrown . forgot sovereignty. stuck sad walled in with my monsters. then remembered and read what I have learned since the last time.
studying so oh brain body self found the hard. the wall. the can’t do this place. saw it , noticed it, sat with it had a chat , carrying on. clear plan came out of it. actions to be taken realised that taking on the task to go deeply into one’s subject , studying it throws up flotsam jetsam doubt and treasure.
and giving myself permission to grieve my now over marriage.to meet myself where i am which is, for now, very very sad.
The good
pattern shifting. gardening my life . metaphor mouse-ing to make planning now about ingredients for a delicious feast for my students.
friends who care.
finding sovereignty me from then is not the same as me now.
Invoking amnesty! But first:
@Rhiannon! Mazel Tov! Incredible amounts oif joy and frequent breaks from nausea and exhaustion! Re: asshats and their DOOOOM talk–they suck. Girl I could tell you stories…Sending you love and enthusiasm for Le Bebe’ and protection from Doom-Talkers
the hard:
-I am in charge of 98% of all housework, even what’s technically not mine. So if something breaks or fails or gets lost or whatever, guess who gets out of the chair to go deal
-the water heater broke and while it coul;d hjave been worse, I had no shower and had to immediately COPE. Out of bed, into work clothes, on the phone, in the crawl space, three trips to the hardware store and yes I am absolutely nable to move by msyelf the same 100 pound items that required two large men to get them out of the store, plus every bthree hours I have to stop this and feed my kids. Sure their dad or their grandfather could feed them but why should they? They are too busy watching hulu. On my computer. While I deal with 100 appliances
-I started Chasing the Cat again. I should not have. But I did. And was treated to a comment about my super-high sex drive from my husband that felt exactly like a finely-crafted shoe.
-ARRRGHHHHHH! Stop smoking tobacco in MY FUCKING KITCHEN!!!!!! IS this an episode of “mad Men? Are you Don Draper in disguise? Did you kiss the memo TOBACCO SMOKE is POISON! My children are EATING in here! I Know I’m not a Christian but my life still has meaning! I quit smoking a decade ago. Go the Hell outside, it’s SPRING!
the good:
-to err is human, to Flail Divine!
-writing is being good
-life with the kids is very happy. enjoying the kids
-kids are stepping up in many wasy
-new ways to have fun being revealed. lots of epiphanies, not all of them painful.