In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
This was a wild ride of a week. A lot of it was pretty sweet, I seem to remember, but it’s hard to tell because so much happened.
I’m heading straight to the new hammocks to recover.
Let’s see…
The hard stuff
Allergies. Allergies? What?
Finally got over the virus. Then knocked out by allergies.
I never get allergies. This is stupid.
Noise.
First a fire alarm test at Stompopolis.
Then construction next door.
Everything being outrageously behind schedule.
I’m not even talking about missing our opening date. That’s fine. Sometimes things require time and process. It’s just how it is.
But the other things! I am not yet able to be fine with that.
The lights arrived, five weeks late.
We’re finally getting air conditioning, which was supposed to happen ages ago. Still no word on the fans.
Anyway, constant re-adjusting.
Fix-it-ey people in and out.
Every time the new Playground is all glow-ey and shiny and sacred space, a bunch of workmen come through and the energy is off.
It used to be like that with the first Playground and I can’t remember how long it took until the space was a strong enough container that things didn’t get shaky.
Lots of clearing out.
Really, really tough decision making.
Hard stuff.
Ow, brain.
Overwork plus allergies plus decisions plus deadlines.
I feel very upset about three different situations.
And I can’t talk about any of them right now. RAWR!
Thursday.
I did a thing (skipping morning glow-sitting and yoga) that is pretty much guaranteed to make the day a mess. And it did.
Then: monsters.
Wanting to put my feet up.
What am I, a thousand years old? I have never in my life said the words, “I need to put my feet up.” Until this week when I said it all the time.
I mean, I am not opposed to forms of horizontal and/or elevated resting. And yes, sometimes it is hammock time. Stop! Hammock time!
And sometimes I put my legs up on the wall for some lovely Viparita Karani.
But verbally expressing the need for elevated feet? I don’t know what this is about, but it’s getting on my nerves.
It’s almost Rally and I promised myself a vacation before Rally.
It needs to happen.
There is no other way.
But time is running out. It can’t not happen, so the me who knows how to make it happen is invited to show up.
The good stuff
Energized! Yay!
After last week’s virus and exhaustion, it seemed like it would take ages to get back into the groove.
I asked — in the Very Personal Ads — to feel energized again, but didn’t actually believe it would work.
It did! I woke up early every day, excited and happy. It was INCREDIBLE.
Oh, I needed this.
The transformation of space.
The new Playground at Stompopolis really came into its glowing radiant wondrous self this week.
It’s here. It feels exquisitely magical.
I am so proud and happy right now. This has been such a massive endeavor, it’s amazing to see all the parts come together.
New costumes!
There’s that place across from SCRAP where they sell vintage clothing by the pound, and they now have costumes.
As you may or may not know, I feel very strongly about costumes, and also we have a very fabulous Costumery at the Playground.
Anyway, $25 got us two giant bags of costumes, all of which now live at Stompopolis.
Also: thank you, Mechaieh, for the donation of a very stunning hat. It is spectacular.
Extremely delicious foods.
If you’re coming to Rally (Rally!) this month (or in June, July or September), get excited about foods.
The Argentinian food cart moved a couple blocks closer to the Playground. The spinach empanadas are to die for. And if you eat meat, apparently everything else is incredible too.
There’s a new Indian place that specializes in street food offerings, a new Iraqi place, a bunch of new carts, and a circus. With food! All on NE Alberta St, which is where the Playground lives.
Of course, we already had way too much good food in the neighborhood, but this is out of control.
I tried a bunch of new places this week, and YUM.
PROGRESS! Serious, serious progress.
Among the many, many things that happened with the new space this week:
- We ran the Hush Hush Rendezvous for the new pirate crew, and it was a great success.
- Changed up the schedule, added a shift, and stopped calling them “shifts”, thanks to metaphor mouse. It’s now First Watch, Second Watch, and Third Watch.
- Set up the party to create the new PLUM (Playground User Manual).
- And now we’re almost done with the new PLUM and it’s gorgeous.
- Found a Head of Crew, who renamed the position and is now The Noodler!
- We have the Hush Hush Crew facebook group and google calendar up and running.
- Much progress on all the official entry and exit procedures for crew.
- A gorgeous new table for the arts & crafts station!
- Wonderful new decorations, like the orange tree in the Toy Shop, the PLAY letters over the elevator shaft, the magical signs, the general sparkliness.
- We renamed the nap room so that it’s now the Caboosery! Also, it is now carpeted.
- Renamed the upstairs (original) Playground to be the Hidden Playground, and then gave it an awesome secret code name.
- Found the right gumball machines.
- And a bunch of other things that I’ve been asking for in the VPAs but haven’t found yet.
- We have a date for the A/C install.
- And the new lighting finally arrived, finally finally.
- Also a brand new design for the Treasure Map, which is now the amazing DECODER COMPASS! Ordered the postcards. Happy.
- A bunch of big decision-making meant we were able to give a NO on a question that had been stressing me out. And that NO meant that I can put off a whole section of systems-creation.
- We’re running a Maiden Voyage period where Crew gets to play, work and practice systems. And then we’ll just casually morph into being OPEN TO THE PUBLIC!!!!!!
The L”g B’omer PLUM picnic.
I had been dreading creating the new Playground User Manual, because the first PLUM took such a long time to make.
But we had a picnic! For L”g B’omer.
And the crew came and we did arts and crafts and ate snacks. It was delightful.
Hooray for help.
Yet again, the Floating Playground is a really good place to process.
I am a genius for inventing it.
Sun. Movement. Trust. Flow.
Thank you.
Obama finally speaks up for marriage equality.
I would have thought that I was too pissed off about how long it’s taken to be happy about this.
But you know what? I’m thrilled.
It’s about time.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band comes by way of Rhiannon, and they sound pretty much the way you’d expect: loud, happy and slightly inebriated.
Lucky Butter Explosion.
You’ll be happy — but not at all surprised — to find out that… it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
If you don’t have the Monster Manual & Coloring Book, get it.
I see what happens at the Floop when people use it, and the results are mind-blowing. This is a life skill that you will use forever. I recommend!
Also, come to Rally (Rally!) so you can have discoveries and epiphanies and generally change things up. And then we will giggle and eat empanadas.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Hurrah!’s for all the progress 🙂
*sends many sparkles*
The Hard
– spending hours in train and transport last weekend
– the night of sleepingn 1,5 hours before a Big Day. Too stressful. What’s up with not sleeping?
– All The Monsters Awake Day on Monday – before the meeting of 18:00 hours.
– In that meeting: the Interim supervisor commenting on keeping tabs on my office behaviour. ew.
– Time gremlines. They are everywhere
– not finishing an article that was supposed to get finnished.
– too many friends. I don’t know how else to call this. Probably: too little empty time.
The Good
+ the day of practicing the future – last Saturday. It was a day of solving a problem as part of a ‘what life is like in this job’ simulation. super fun. acting and over acting
+ birthday party 2 – the siblings were there and the best friend and wheeeee.
+ writing myself birthday letters at floop
+ the part of the Interim Supervisor Meeting that went well. There is hope!
+ no new plans to fill up the weekends. More hope!
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard
– grading, grading, grading, and the whining, whining, whining about “deserving” a higher grade than earned
– not sleeping well
– people keep parking in my parking space (that I pay for)
The Good
– inspiration to re-write the department’s program assessment plan (which I had been dreading)
– submitted two abstracts for conferences I’d like to present at next academic year
– sleeping in today
Lucky Butter Explosion! They make me super happy.
The Hard
Writer’s block at work. Or whatever it is when I’m in super resistance no matter what I try.
Resistance in general.
Tuesday therapy.
Silent retreat the rest but, blahhhh.
The Good
The Floop. As usual, being so ridiculously awesome.
STOMPOPOLIS yes yes yes yes.
The weather is being spectacularly welcoming this week in Portland’s vicinity!
Movement and shift with all the stuff. So much! Largely due to Stompopolis energy-shifting and Floop as well. Awesome.
.
Aaaaaand that’s all I have energy to chicken today. But chicken is awesome anyway, because that’s how it works! Yay.
Hugs to all!
Yay for Argentinian food! As an Argentinian myself, I can vouch for the awesomeness of empanadas. 😀
Shabbat shalom!
the suck:
– lack of spoons and no motivation at all at work
-three !@#$%^^& migraines in a row! are u shittin me?
-losing my temper with the grils and yelling. oh the hard, the guilt, the stuck.
-tweaking my shoulder
-getting hit by an armored car on my way to work. no damage to car or me, but what??
-the book is due MONDAY, panic! monsters!
-the science rpoject of doom and the bad patterning i exhibited. shame and embarassment.
-my surgeon NEVER calls when she says she will, and our communication keeps getting derailed. annoyance panic.
but so much good:
-the cat wants to cuddle
-juicing!! omg yea micronutrients!!!
-getting things doen at work when i do
-the deloivery of ALL my lil gifts to myself this week
-kiid getting a 96% on science project of doom.
MILLE MILLIONS DE MILLE SPARKLEPOINTS! <3 <3
Hallo…
Wow!
Sommat in the air?
Had to let you know, Thank You So Much.
(Tis a biggie for me, this writing malarky,eh…) I have been lurking about reading your utterly fab blog.
I get lost in it as there is sooo much…
Inspirational Stuff. And to the Commentator Mice & Y’all.
Big Up to ya.
Ah. Hammock Time ~ not an easy job. Most Important.
Thanks agin
Take it easy,sweetpea,look after yourself CXx
Chicken!
The Hard:
– My mother-in-law is in town. And this is bringing up every bit of my resistance to asking for what I want, namely: time and space to myself.
– Giant freakout of doom and destruction. And the aftermath of that: lots of sad.
– So very very tired of living in a space that doesn’t work for me.
– Nightmares. This morning alone I was shot five different times in five different dreams by five different people/animals.
– So many errands to run! And when I devoted two entire mornings to errands, the errands didn’t get done and I ended up exhausted. Monsters say: “If it’s going to take this much time and energy it’ll never get done.”
– Sometimes I just wish I were less of an HSP.
– I officially can no longer lay on my stomach. Not even for a few minutes. Six more months of this.
The Good:
– The Floop, and being able to be on the computer for longer with no headaches so I can use the Floop.
– My appetite came back! Food is so good! And we had Ethiopian food, and it is so good!
– The good parts of my mother-in-law being in town, like all our dishes and laundry washed and put away for us. And going out to eat.
– STOMPOPOLIS!!!!! (Stompopolis is pretty much all my dreams come true.)
– The doll that is secretly a symbol of feminine strength is here. And she works quite well on both levels.
– Perfect weather: sunshine with a light breeze.
– The most amazing proxy: building a chicken coop. Huge breakthrough on an area of stuck I wasn’t even trying to address. Awesome.
The Hard:
Sick. Why am I always sick? This time it was lungs. Chunky lungs. So I rested and didn’t run until tonight. There were chunks. But I was ok. I have a 5K on Sunday and want my lungs to be good by then. Hydrate, sleep, neck cover, tea.
Clients all week. This is actually good, but I was sick and tired and couldn’t take any days off to rest. Tonight – resting.
Having to go to a triathlon clothing store with my curvy buxom self, where the xtra large is made for someone the size of an elf, and the shorts are made for 12 year old boys. But I had a great saleslady who actually found me some good things that fit and we were able to laugh at me busting (literally) out of some of the tops.
The Good:
The first Friday night at home in ages. Too many weekends of celebrating and occasions and places to be. Tonight: no where to go, nothing to do. Heavenly. The cat is happy. I am happy. Bed at 9:15 instead of 1:15.
One of those dreams where you brain works out a whole bunch of stuff. Nice.
Ran and walked tonight. Thought I would just walk, but my body wanted to run. And run again. And keep running. Excellent.
Found a triathlon suit that will work.
A new vacuum. Trust me, this is good.
Sleep!
Hard:
-The worst cramps I’ve ever had in my entire life (fortunately only for one day)
-Missing Sunday yoga because of that
-The Wednesday yoga class I’d been looking forward to was cancelled
-Helping my partner through stressful things. I’m glad I can do it, but it can be hard.
Good:
-Low-key and pleasant birthday stuff, including delicious chocolate and a nice restaurant
-Implemented a new system for inviting-friends-to-stuff
-Dusted off the website and did a bit of spring cleaning
-Got a shipment of more colors of ink for coloring metal, and a shipment of pretty ribbons for pendants and things
-Implemented a new morning routine that I think is going to work well
-Made good progress on my current commission project–maybe it’ll even be done in the timeframe I’m hoping for!
Why can I scarcely remember this week?! Things must have happened, surely.
Hard:
–My dad, who was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer last summer, is not doing so well this week. Pain, nausea, difficulty keeping hydrated, lack of appetite, lack of energy. Also, inability to tolerate chemo treatments until/unless these issues are resolved. And my parents live about 10 hours away by car; I can’t just head over there as often as I might like.
–Someone posted a picture of me on Facebook, and it shows up on my profile page, and how do I tell her that I think I look so awful in that picture that I can hardly stand to look at it? It’s a picture of me playing my guitar and singing, and I don’t want to look awful while I’m playing guitar and singing; somehow that makes it even worse. And everyone who sees me on Facebook will see this awful picture, and the monsters cry DOOM!
Good:
–Suddenly, after years — years, I tell you — of chronic sleep deprivation, I’ve re-discovered what it’s like to get a full night’s sleep for several consecutive nights. Um. WOW! Suddenly I am Wonder Woman! I could get used to this…
–Confidence. Sovereignty. Sparkle. Something has been shifting, and it’s downright magical, and utterly glorious.
–Realizing that it’s been just about three years now since I first encountered The Fluent Self. Happy Havi Anniversary to me!
Ah Friday *sniff* I wave a damp hankie at you.
the weepy –there was so much crying this week.
-over elderly parents
-over north carolina
-over obama
-over headaches
-over tough realizations
-over friends in pain
I just felt and cried and then sniffed and cried some more
then I got a headache.
I know there was good in this week.
-there was sunshine
-new plants
-love
-easy phone calls
-acceptance of realizations
-tentative vpas
Mostly though it was a week that is now in the past.
Hello to a sunny new weekend and peace to all for an ease filled week.
[if that’s what you would like]
@Kathleen Avins, if you “untag” yourself in the photo it will disappear from your page.
The hard:
Time seeming to evaporate this week.
Closely related to: doing very little yoga + ShivaNata and curling up with a book (which I’d been expecting to do lots of this week.)
Noise. And not feeling supported if I need to talk to the person making a noise.
Destuckfication felt like a full-time job this week.
Realising that part of me is really attached to being a victim in some way. SO not how I want to be, or even something I want to admit to.
Going to my favourite cafe and having the owner very loudly discussing things I neither wanted nor needed to hear about + crappy music.
The good:
Plenty of time to destuckify, and not freaking out about the stuff coming up. Stuff shifting really fast. Playing with archetypes.
Creating! Self-portraits! Writing!
Walking – felt so good to be out of the house!
Meditating by the sea.
Kitty cat cuteness.
Lots and lots of sleep. Yum!
Periods of quiet introspective time.
OMG, the ideas! So many! So excited to play with them.
Going to favourite cafe and journalling and drinking yummy tea and missing getting caught in a torrential downpour.
Books!
Exciting plans.
Now, time for some yoga!
Love to all + good wishes for the week ahead.
Hello, Cheeky Chicken. This week felt amazingly hard and stressful again, and most of it seemed to be recovering from things.
HARD?
+recovering from the weekend. WOW that was hard.
+in particular, recovering from the Conversation Bomb +my foot, OW
+post-concert blues
+mad body image stuff
+generally feeling of disconnectedness and un Bee longing
+not wanting to write
+WAY more time with my parents than i would ever really prefer
+worrying about [my friend who lives where I don’t live anymore, so I couldn’t help] after his car crash
+surprise super trigger from [something I watched]
+anxiety about Operation: Duck Man Validation
+strict renewal limits on library books, booooooo
+my sleep is all fucked up again
+trying and not making it to the keyboard
+not having brown rice when I wanted it
+the novel I was reading turned out to be super disappointing
+finding out how expensive [something I’ve been looking forward to] is going to be, ouch…and that [someone who has generated a lot of pain for me because of her beliefs about my gender identity] will be [a featured guest]…
+reading DSM stuff, what the hell was I thinking?? never a good idea!
GOOD!
+THE CONCERT!!!!!
+[8 friends and both my parents] all came to my concert!!
+discovering some new places that have vegan food
+making spring scarves!
+reading The Ultimate Guide To Sex and Disability
+visiting with [my awesome purple fabulous sweet friend] who just returned from Kenya!
+receiving a phone call from [my other awesome purple fabulous sweet friend] who also just returned from Kenya!
+visiting my tree!
+coconut curry soup!
+finished my cousin’s gift package, finally
+got my PA driver’s license
+project: reduce grocery spending is going well
Chicken OUT.
@seagirl — I knew there had to be a way — thank you! 🙂
Bevakasha, Havi. May the hat continue its history of contributing to laughings and dancings. 🙂
Hard:
* nightmares and other impediments to restfulness
* inner ear issues
* encounters with passive aggression
* other encounters that had me sitting on my hands to stop myself from throwing shoes
* time miscalculations
* feeling that I can’t spare time for concerts or festivals
* feeling irrelevant/ignored over things I had thought others in the conversation/connection were interested in
* ambivalence about new haircut
Good:
* my birthday! the White Sox won, so did Roger Federer, Barack leaped off the tightrope, I looked great, loving gifts and messages, made spicy chocolate blancmange, wheeyay!
* splurging on stickers — or, more specifically, the anticipation of how I’m going to use them
* good session with new client
* compliments from current and former clients
* walks
* close to noodging several iguanas off the rock
Wishing everyone a new week with more good than hard!
Wow, a week of headaches. Me too! Onward:
The hard:
-Stress taking its toll on me. Backaches and migraines three days in a row. Sleep deprivation and pain. This stuff sucks up my energy for good ideas.
-A sad anniversary today: a year ago a lot of stuff hit the fan. Was told yesterday that ‘you probably brought it on yourself’. NOT TRUE and I don’t believe, but still hard to take.
-Dropped two flowers in the river to commemorate that sad anniversary. Said goodbye to the person I lost and the me who used to be. A necessary ritual.
-Not enough time at home, exercise, or eating properly. Too many lunches spent being diplomatic etc.
The good:
-Hibernation and self care today, also booked a massage. Thanks, me!
-Tiny steps of progress toward a higher education goal.
-I can still help people, and I can still ask for help. Some super nice people made appearances this week.
-Through artful nagging and diplomacy I may have gotten the boulder to move an inch. Need to follow up on Monday and remind it that it promised to move.
Cheers and pain relief to you all.
The chicken dance – here it comes.
The hard:
-Schedule constantly switching – ungrounded, found it hard to organize myself for a few days. Like a chicken with ….you know the rest.
-No house- lookers today 🙁 It’s probably the most beautiful day ever and there’s so much green you can hardly handle how lush it is – the sky is perfect blue and everything is sparkling. Where are the buyers???
-Can’t afford tango lessons.Sad me.
The good: So much more good than hard this week.YAY
-Met with a the new client.
-Took a free Argentine Tango lesson and it was fantastic.
-Was able to handle sub job with so much more sovereignty. And guess what? Not drained at the end of the day. Go figure.
-Setting up systems for organizing businessy stuff and am enjoying it.
-Seeing children this weekend.
A sparkly weekend to y’all.
~waves to the rest of the flock~
Are we sure that last week was only a week? I’m fairly certain that at least a couple of weeks ganged up on me at once.
The Hard:
* finishing those blasted deadlines.
* project postmortem — way too detail oriented and not at all set up the way my brain works.
* still with the not knowing and not being able to plan my life and not being able to do anything about it.
The Good:
* being finished!
* having a mini-sabbatical to rest and recover and figure some things out.
* my will to art seems to be returning. I hope it will bring my will to write with it.
Happy Week, Chickens!
mmm, chicken! one more chicken before I get to see all the lovely stompopolis progress!
toughs:
*rear-ended – my first car accident boo – kind of just boring. small headaches and lots of sleep – but doesn’t seem to have super-harmed anything.
*feeling ungroovy in general – just blah… not the worst thing i guess, following week o despair.
*not doing things i intended to do
*cold cold cold cold cold. wet.
tenders:
*yay some progress!
*wow some crazy helpful epiphanies to integrate
*new ideas to play with and vet and mmm, i’m quite excited!
*made it through the 40-day Shiva Nata Expedition in Grand style!
*the small but absolutely lovely unexpected money
*morning awesomeness continues! yes yes yes more please beth thank you!
*a few days of on-fire productivity
*lovely reading and writing
*hikes! huzzah nature <3
Hi Belated Chicken! I think of you like a sleepy bird peeking out of the coop, having just spent time with a bunch of eggs.
Happy belated biffaday, @Riv!
@Mechaieh, spicy chocolate blancmange sounds *heavenly.*
And I was also a headachey roo this week. Love and soothings to everyone’s poor achies!
My Ouch Hards:
– 14-hour work days, plus working Saturday and Sunday for a few hours.
– Zero-money zone due to spending on that last move.
– Which means Lovelyman and I are having to be very inventive with meals, and my belly and skin do not like this at all.
– It also means we’re having to be inventive for foods which will induce our pets to eat their pills.
– I’ve been grinding teeth at night due to stress….
– …Which leads to morning headaches. Ouch.
– Too many familial obligations are coming up all at once! I would like to have more weekends free in May and June please.
– Allergic reactions to the dust from unpacking.
– Our washing machine broke.
– And damn, my favorite vibrator broke! 🙁 🙁
My Whee Goods:
* Getting lots and lots of accolades for the work I’m doing in those 14 hours.
* Driving to a different workplace in a car for an hour each way rather than commuting to said workplace for 2.5 each way. I had some nice alone time there.
* Which meant being able to say multiple good mornings to Soterios Johnson again, for the first time since Lovelyman moved in. Yay WNYC!
* Lovelyman and I are managing to create some tasty meals out of our food dregs, even if they’re not the healthiest meals.
* When Lovelyman hears me grind my teeth at night, he always reaches over to pet me. Sometimes I wake up, & it’s comforting to know he does that. 🙂
* Still the smell of the trees! I love to close my eyes and breathe deep.
* Falling in love with all sorts of things about our neighborhood.
* Tasty blueberry iced tea that we ladle out of a 5-gallon bucket.
* Tasty smoked beer made by the Lovelyman!!
* Getting some unpacking done and finding fun stuffs.
Deep breaths before entering another work call, then working on entry into Monday. Love to all who want it.
Oh, and I forgot the amazing Whee Good of the lovely letter from a fellow Flooper – which kept me going strong when I was on my 10th hour of not eating since waking up. That was brilliant. 🙂
Hi, I’m late but whatevah…
Hard stuff…
Not much. Yay. Let me think:
– busy of course
– weather is getting cold and Little Lad has a cold (eewww snotty)
– I am dealing with mountains of laundry ANYWAY and then we had a visit to spew city for a few days, thanks to baby-guzzler and a mama who takes a while to catch on that BURPING IS IMPORTANT! So I had nothing to wear for a while and then that got puked on as well… Cut my hair to avoid vomity yoghurt hair… Also: chill baby, you are not ACTUALLY starving to death. Although I appreciate the fact you enjoy eating. One child with food aversion is enough. So, thank you. Also, it is kind of hilarious how you grin and look really relieved after you chuck the entire contents of your stomach up all over me, like ‘aaaaahhhh that’s sooooo much better!’ meanwhile I’m dripping!! Ack.
– Logistics – so many people, so many places to be and things to do. It can get complicated.
And honestly if that’s it, then I am very happy with that.
Good stuff…
Heaps!
+ Wonderbaby is quite possibly the cutest and most delightful baby that has ever lived. Spew city notwithstanding.
+ last night Little Lad got sick of waiting for me to feed and change the baby and snaps at me “Are you going to do cooking with me or not, Mummy?!”. Hilarious.
+ Money. Sweet, sweet money. So, soooo helpful! Such an ENABLING energy. Also, I got my head around why it’s okay to accept middle-class welfare in form of “family tax benefit” – because we believe the children are the future, if we can teach them well then we can let them lead the way! So there, ridiculous Guilt Monsters! Also: WHITNEY BALLAD!!!
+ the pantry is stocked for winter. See above.
+ we went shopping as a family. See above. Can’t tell you how much I enjoy doing something so ridiculously suburban and boring as going to the supermarket AS A COUPLE. Together!! Wow. It’s symbolic I guess. The boring stuff: we is in it together these days. Yay!
+ Mother’s day, was really lovely.
+ I read a novel!!!!! Gasp!!!!
+ We cleaned and tidied up (TOGETHER!!!!) and I even DUSTED!!! Holy crap!
+ new winter coat and posh ruffly scarf all for only 56 bucks. Noice.
+ probably other stuff. You know how it is. Everything.
Yes. Okay. Seeyouzelader. xx
Invoking chicken amnesty! I’m in need of reflection, last week was so conscious, I’d like to take a moment..
Hard!
Being married is hard. It’s a big change (understatement of my life) and there’s all kinds of connotations to unpack and examine and maybe say bye-bye to, and others to foster and keep. I didnt do much work on this before getting married, with work and the work of planning a wedding (which I have so many issues with even saying, but I’m tabling this for the moment) and the work of being engaged there just wasn’t room.
Sitting at a desk all day blows. Even though I don’t really actually end up doing this because I always find sneaky ways of not, it is my job right now to be at a desk like ALL of the time. As I think we all know — this is not only counter-productive to doing any job but inhumane. Just the other day I was lamenting that my favorite person, who is a dog, Roscoe, is in a crate for part of the day — and realized that he has it better than I do. At least he can nap.
I have writers block or whatever we want to call it. It’s total stuckness around doing and being what I want to do and be but I’m so SICK OF IT.
Unhelpful patterns. Not ready to talk of them but I know them and they are not supporting me although they are meeting my needs.
I can be so mean to myself. What’s up with that?
So good —
I love being married. I love it!!! It’s the best thing I’ve evern been so far in life. So much love, safety, room for mistakes and space for ME in the world.
I love writing. I love it! It’s like breathing and being alive and exercising in a delicious way.
I love not having to be any one way or doing things in any one way. I get to take on what resonates with me and discard all that doesn’t. Dammit!
Treasuring joyful memories! I love this. The wedding, Roscoe the Magnificent, driving in Virginia, dancing, massages, first dances, particular parts of the honeymoon.
Imagining my perfect life! I love making lists of things I do here.
Trying new practices! Like wanting what I want, and treasuring, and imagining, and dissolving.
Examining my relationship with my job! So interesting.
Introducing new thingies for my health! Whole milk yogurt. Ezekial bread. Organic milk. Free range eggs. Breakfast.
PERMISSION TO BE WHERE I AM NOW. And playing with my stuff and getting ‘there’ wherever it is however it needs to be! And permission to not do things perfectly — because what does that mean anyway???
Yay, reflecting, even if it means almost nothing to anyone but me, I don’t think anyone here cares. We’re not that kind of people, really.
Happy Monday — mwah!
Eep! Hello, chicken-avoidance. Hello, chicken.
The hard:
– Initiating social hiatus but still attending two things because I had committed to them before I knew I would want to go into hiding. It was hard. I kept getting hit on by guys who know I’m lesbian. Present-me was sovereign and strong (and told them to keep their hands to themselves). Past-me felt scared and vulnerable though.
– Tiredness/sadness keeps coming in waves, unexpectedly.
– Being asked to help a friend with (something) and having to deal with him not taking full responsibility for his stuff… don’t know what more to say about this except that it was painful, and I was scared, and I’m not sure I want to help (even though I DO want to help…bleh). Maybe I can use the four questions here.
– There was an assault near campus. Past-me was/is really scared.
(Noticing lots of scared-ness this week. Perhaps past-me needs some attention)
The Good:
– I had time to interact with all the stuff that came up. So, despite all the hard, I was okay.
– A tiny sweet thing came to me.
– I talked to the fear around the assault and figured out what I needed to do for past and future me.
– Made space for the tiredness and managed to do some important tasks.
– Got back to yoga! 😀
– Re-started cooking/eating healthy as well! Hoorah!
– Found a bike! For free! And went biking around town, soaking in the warmth and sunshine.
– The social hiatus feels SOOOO good! Oh the freedom(!) to not have to explain myself to anyone and just *be*. I think this might help with restoring some energy.
– Work is awesome and I’m SO glad this isn’t some crappy student job. I can hardly believe that VPAing worked, but lo and behold! Non-crappy student job!
All-in-all, twas a decent week. Love and warmth to all 🙂