In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
One hundred and ninety nine chickens, you guys!
Take one down…
Pass it around…
Etc etc.
The hard stuff
Not ready to come back to Portland.
My half-Emergency-Vacation-half-chrysalis ended before I was ready for it to end. Noooooooo! Not ready!
I did sneak in one extra day because Slightly Future Me told me to (and, as it turns out, she is a genius).
But I really didn’t want to come back.
Add to this: realizing I’d severely underestimated a) my state of depletion, b) necessary amount of recovery time, c) my desire to be on my own to do on-my-own stuff.
Endings, in general.
Lots of them right now.
It’s been really interesting (interesting-hard!) to see which ones are standing in as proxies for other ones.
For example, I shed tears and agonized over a tiny, meaningless ending related to a television show that I don’t even like, but had pretty much no reaction to a much bigger ending.
Wanting things to be done that are not done.
Like the website for Stompopolis.
Or the system change that will allow us to open.
Other things outside of work that seem to be in a state of limbo.
Patience.
Discovering a thing that I want, but not yet having the resources in place that allow me to act on the wanting.
Tired.
Oh, and dark circles under my eyes.
Discovering a Gigantic Flaw in a thing that was almost ready.
And trying to solve it.
Hard conversations.
That’s pretty much never fun.
Change is good but figuring out new reconfigurations is hard, y’all.
That’s all I want to say about that, so silent retreat!
The good stuff
Going away.
Being on chrysalis changed EVERYTHING.
And I know I said that last week, but it was actually the weekend part of chrysalis where things really all started to make sense.
Trusting my instincts even when they seemed preposterous.
I committed to listening to Incoming Me.
I didn’t buy a bus ticket home because she told me not to. I moved hotels when she said to move hotels.
Basically I did every single thing she told me, and it was all exactly just right.
She even had all sorts of perfect simple solutions for things that usually set off all my stuff.
Sunday.
I pretended it was a Toozday, and then it mysteriously and astonishingly turned out to be the best Toozday ever.
Being wrong!
Not only was I outrageously wrong about a bunch of things I’d assumed were true, I was actually DELIGHTED to discover this was the case.
Turns out that all sorts of things I’d thought were Giant Depressing Pieces of Truth That Need To Be Resolved Over Time were all monster mutterings.
Being wrong!
Change…
Endings are not bad. Endings are not bad. Endings are not bad.
This is what came to me like a clear ringing bell the morning after our craziest Shiva Nata practice at Rally.
Endings. Are. Not. Bad.
I knew that before but this time it was that full-body tingly truth that is the hallmark of the kind of epiphany that can only be described as stoopid.
Deleting things.
Everything is starting to feel more harmonious and congruent. This is a very big deal.
Derby! Derby! Derby!
Admittedly the national season got off to a shaky start with Rose City’s Wheels of Justice playing disastrously against Windy City and then pulling out a miracle to win in the last jam.
But then beating Denver felt really solid. We had the lead the entire time. They skated hard but it just didn’t matter.
But then this past weekend was seriously nail-bitey, with an away game against the Texecutioners. That win was just pure delight. I can’t even tell you how happy I am about it. Final score 148:117.
And then the team went on to beat Houston the next day 301-79. Just for fun.
Reconnecting to my superpowers.
First I had the superpower of Nothing Is Wrong.
Then I had the superpower (thanks to Shiva Nata) of realizing that Especially The Things That Seem The Most Wrong Are Actually Amazing! And then I was able to find the good super fast, instead of wallowing in the hard and then finding the good.
Plus I reconnected with the me who knows about luscious, after thinking I had lost her forever. Wow.
Gigantic epiphanies.
Understandings, realizations, being knocked over by amazement.
Plus a bridge talked to me! Again. But this time it was different.
WATER. Bathing and looking out at the water. Doing yoga and looking out at the water. Waking up and looking out at the water. Watching the water.
Past me is also a genius, as it turns out.
A precaution that past me built into my phone’s contact list a year ago came to my rescue this week in an absolutely remarkable way!
Yay, past-me.
And yay, person who found my phone and knew exactly what to do.
I had the hard conversation and I am still okay.
None of the terrifying things I’d feared came to pass.
The courage that I asked for in the Very Personal Ads on Sunday was there when I needed it.
Time.
Especially: having an evening at home with both time to myself and energy to putter.
Lots of cleaning up, reorganizing and congruence-ing. I can’t remember the last time this happened.
Rally! Rally #20.
Yet again, a bunch of bright, clever, creative, funny, sweet, thoughtful, goofy, kind-hearted people showed up at the Playground to Rally (Rally!) with me.
We giggled, we ate amazing food, we had tingly epiphanies, we changed our internal worlds.
RALLY. It is Not. Like. Anything. Else.
People talking about Rally magic in the Twitter bar.
Amy asked what Rally is like.
And here’s how people who have been to Rally replied:
Leela: Space for your brain to melt so it can reshape the way it really wants to be.
Simone: It’s where I learned about being Loved for the first time in my life.
Andrea: It’s like a magical grilled cheese that finishes your projects + makes you more money.
And then there’s always this exactly-right post….
Of course none of these things really describe Rally, because Rally DOES NOT TRANSLATE.
It can’t be described because of the way it’s constantly magic-ing things up between the raindrops and below the surface.
But these are all perfect beautiful koans that sum up truth. Truth!
Also, these people are now all my friends because when you do something as intense and beautiful as Rally, you kind of can’t help madly loving the amazing people who are there with you.
Huge appreciation for everyone who has Rallied and for everyone who will Rally and for everyone who might, who knows, someday possibly be able to consider Rally or whatever marvelous thing I will be experimenting with when the time comes.
We’ll be at 200 chickens next week.
We’ve never missed a week.
I wish I could go whisper-that to past-me who didn’t think we’d make it past ten.
The fun part of the Chickening happens here.
Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?
Ohmygod Deutsch Doodles!. And with my all-time favorite German expression too. Thanks @chloewrites for the link.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is louder than you’d expect.
Shady Government Agency
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Rally prices go up soon. Come. To. A. Rally.
June might be full? I have to check with the First Mate and then update the page. But there are a couple spots for July and September.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Love you, Havi. So happy that this chicken is surprisingly happy. And so claiming some of those superpowers for myself. xxxxxxx
it feels safe enough to chicken, yay!
the great
-the flowers, the scents, the garden.
-this week so much easier than the past 2 weeks.
-love and ease, love and ease
-remembering to take recovery time — turtle time
-much less scheduled this week, less pressure.
-half the days with no more bad news
-major realization concerning a pattern I have dealt with for 3 years!
the hard
-flinching a lot, nerves expecting a[nother] blow
-slow recovery = missing some fun stuff
-pets passing
-crunchy, uncomfortable time
Onto a new week, such relief.
Blowing bubbles of Friday joy and ease to all! xx
Hello hello Chicken and Chickeneers! Love to all the chickens and lurking peepers.
Holy cow, it’s #199.
I didn’t start publicly until #176, but still! Lots and lots!
Re: post,
yay Nothing Is Wrong! I love that one.
Also, @Havi, I love the fact that Stompopolis is not open, but people in various places write about it and casually mention it in their own process as though it already is. I LOVE that.
On to Chickening…
My Ouch Hards:
– Still with the work-crazies.
– Lovelyman being away from me until late Sunday.
– Sick keeton turned into sickers pet fambly.
– Sickers pets have meant extra cleaning.
– A weird unexpected budget crunch.
– Not being able to see friends or fambly this weekend.
– No ceiling coverage replacement until Thursday.
– Cleaning/Housework on my own. Ugh.
– My basil seeds got moldy due to too much rain 🙁
My Whee Goods:
* The new person at work is awesome, and asks me lots of good questions.
* I’m getting to hire an additional someone new to help just me! Yaaay!
* Another positive workthing that helps. [whee retreat whee]
* Some alone time in the New Space. I’m hoping to find its name.
* Miraculous budget space for FreshDirect.
* Cleaning/Housework, yay, no “person inda house” baggage!
* Special happy Lovelyman thing. [whee retreat whee]
* Excellent Book Club conversations.
* Floop convo bending over into real life. It’s quite lovely.
Hoping for a beautiful and ease-filled week for all.
I wish I lived close enough to Rally!
It feels like the weeks have been blurring into each other, but I’ll chicken my best.
The Hard first:
– My rent is going up way too much.
– I have been feeling wholly dissatisfied with my career and am about to head back to uni. Until very recently, I was lacking direction and motivation, but I think I’ve fixed that part.
– Money has been tight.
– Old social problems have been stirred up when I just want to be left alone ergh.
– Upstairs neighbour has been renovating for the past two weeks, often until late at night. It’s emotionally exhausting.
The Good:
– Moving to a new place will be a great change, especially if it’s somewhere bigger.
– I think I’ve decided on what direction to go in next, career-wise.
– Have been given heaps of work this weekend, so that should keep us going for a while.
– A good cup of tea can solve most things.
CHICKEN!
I am using chickens to solve all of my problems!
Metaphorical chickens, but some of them are check-ins and some of them are proxy-birds and some of them are other things all together. So I can chicken chickens with chickens. Etc.
The most important thing about chickens: they are unintimidating. (For me!)
So this week, which is also the first week of CHICKEN SQUARED, chickens are where it’s AT.
The Hard:
– The days I *wasn’t* at Stompopolis and was instead at home somewhat-intentionally not-doing. My monsters did not approve.
– Awful awful conversation in which the exact phrase I didn’t want to hear was uttered to me. And how very mad I got. Shoes everywhere! (Though I threw *mine* quietly, once off the phone.)
– Giant list of things to do that isn’t getting done. Especially the little niggly important things that keep slipping through every single crack.
– Dreading something that would normally be fun.
– I HATE MY APARTMENT! I have hated my apartment for months. And the parts involved aren’t ready to talk about it yet, so I’m still stumbling around cursing and tripping over things. For the foreseeable future.
– Knee pain and heartburn and ear pain. And how they don’t go away, and how much worse everything gets when they’re all paining together.
– So much sad about food allergies and food generally.
– Running into someone from college I hadn’t seen in years and don’t have fond memories of. Oh the awkward. Oh the bad hair day. Oh what I was wearing. Oh the way she smiled…
The Good:
– Chickens, obviously. CHICKENS FIX EVERYTHING!
– Stompopolis! And the Floop! So. Much. Bing.
– I made a *huge* symbolic transition that involved a government agency in an icky part of town…and it was FABULOUS. Everything went quickly and humanly and with so much ease!
– Skateboarding with a three-year-old. Awesome. Also when I had the genius realization that he’d eat dinner if I turned it into a game involving his trumpeting elephant flashlight. Also when he decided he could see the baby in my belly if he looked at me through the mirror.
– The existence of trumpeting elephant flashlights, just generally.
– Salmon Nigiri at the best sushi restaurant in town. To. Die. For.
– Unexpected clothes shopping trip and a new sweater of awesome. Also, more pants I can fit into. (Side effect of destuckification on beauty I did for something else entirely.)
– Today, and how very much got done (with fun! and ease!) Superpowers of ZOOM and FOCUS. Blog post that wrote itself, for example.
– We found a laptop in the middle of the road and managed to contact the owner through the craigslist lost and found board, of all places, and he was super grateful. Which would have been awesome enough, but then he also gave us a $75 gift certificate for groceries. Yay!
Chicken out.
Hard:
* bug bites, allergies, fatigue
* not wanting to deal with [x]
* not knowing what to make of [y]
* everything, but everything, and EVERYTHING needing so much time and attention
* having to trunk [z] and ditch [w] so that the most important projects get done
* even one glass of wine gives me the groggies
Good:
* sleeping better
* fresh food
* phone calls
* White Sox currently leading 9-2 in the 8th, against Cleveland
* the book continues to provide a reason to contact people I haven’t seen in years
* finding out what’s new with them 🙂
* unexpected invites and opportunities
Shabbat shalom (almost typed “shabbat salmon” — one of those bands?) and bon week-end, y’all.
Hello, my daaarling chickeneers! (Apologies all, but we’ve decided in House Weaver that this friday we’re pretending to be 1940s movie stars, and I don’t seem to be able to stop.)
the Hard:
To be perfectly honest, the hard this week was so tangled up in the good, or at least the unsticking, that I’m not sure if I can call it the hard. There was much processing. Much about now is not then, and that patterns can change. And IT HURT.
but…
The Good:
I am experimenting with relaxing. And with lightness.
And having long conversations (both in my head, and with others) about deweaponizing.
And finding other people to help with projects.
And experimenting to find where my minimum safety requirements are, so that I can meet them, and stop worrying so much.
All in all, a fabulous week, but its been a bit of a ride!
Ha! Shady Government Agency! That’s just sheer brilliance 😛 And it’s just one guy, too. Tehehe!
My Chicken:
The Hard:
– Difficult decisions and conversations about Hamlet and my safety.
– Feeling unheard. By SO many people.
– Deciding not to talk because feeling vulnerable + unheard = very very painful, so why try to explain stuff anyways?
– Feeling vulnerable and being afraid/unwilling/ashamed to let people in because how dare I have regualar human needs and feelings?! (probably where the feeling unheard is coming from)
– Grief.
– That one very ridiculously racist encounter. Grrrr!
– Getting lost while biking to my blood test in the heat, for which I had fasted for 15 hours. Bleh. Then not getting to do the blood test because of stupid stupidity. Then encountering ridiculously triggery stuff and feeling SO utterly exhausted and scared and tiny.
– BOUNDARIES! THEY EXIST! AND I LIKE THEM! AND I WILL NOT ALLOW SOMEONE TO STOMP ALL OVER THEM! But I did. Twice.
– Finding out that I can’t do a masters in social work without taking a whole bunch of other courses. Sadness and disappointment and you-will-die-hungry and you-are-a-failure-you-should-have-decided/known-sooner and you-deserve-this-because-you-suck all came out to play.
– Feeling detached/disinterested for a significant portion of my days.
– Stupid mess up with my paycheck! Still not resolved! Because the person was off work this week. BLEH!
– So much overwhelm with “everything that needs to be done”.
The Good:
– Running into someone I hadn’t spoken to in a long while and catching up. Having her share in my excitement about my tiny sweet thing (i.e. when/where/how to do grad school).
– Being able to compassionately handle all the stuff that came up this week.
– Exercise! Biking around in the warmth is so wonderful! (when I am not fasting for a blood test.)
– Figuring out what needs to be done, even though the road to figuring it out was awful.
– Listening to me-that-knows and doing some extra-curricular reading/research that has helped glue me together this week.
– Finding a place where I can sit alone and cry without alarming anyone.
And I would like to dedicate some space to thanking the universe for letting me have enough money to eat and pay rent and tuition, enough resources to turn to, enough strength to be okay, enough presence of mind to take care of myself and enough love for the world to still be here.
I hope everyone has a good weekend 🙂 Lots of <3
Just yesterday I was sitting look at the ragged new growth at the tops of some trees outside the window I was looking out, and I felt gratitude for that gift from the last Rally (Rally!) I attended, the advice from some unknown part of me telling me to walk and look up look up look up. Blowing kisses to Rally and to you, Havi.
Hello chicken!
Hard:
-Weekend workshop meant no yoga
-Also started the week low on rest
-Thus Monday was mostly lost to sleepy-fogginess
-Crazy relative’s craziness and lack of boundary-respect
Good:
-Weekend workshop was amazing. So much playing with molten metal!
-Making lots of progress on Sorta-Seekrit Fandom Project
-Consciously felt Engineer Me come to the front of the V during the work day
-Finished a commission
-Made something probably for myself in a lovely flow-filled session
Have an awesome weekend, everyone!
back on the friday chicken! it’s got rallies for me too, for the first time!
Hards: mmm, silent retreat on specifics – they were all internal, not entirely unwelcome, and whoa did huuuuuge boulders of old pain/stuckness/ack present themselves for gentle questioning – most that I had no idea were there.
Goods:
*RALLY!
*Friends friends friends! And talking for hours and hours. Yay, I talk! Also, it is time for Denver friends, please.
*Fooooooooooood.
*Giving myself LOTS of what I need
*Smelling the flowers
*Crazy big dreams that have been floating around for ages have been converted into a gentle but fast action plan – feeling congruent and so much more do-able and tools for the stuck!
*Spaciousness. Oh yes.
I probably forgot a thousand, but it’s time for bed! Love to everyone’s chicken, besos!
Gah! The pain! Now I want to go to Rally again (I always did, but like, with PAIN this time) but the monies! The monies!
I am going to silently gwish it. Here i am, silently gwishing right now.
This is the first time I’ve chickened in MONTHS!!!!! Due to life. But here I am ! and yay.
The Hard:
+ To many ginormous steps forward (which was GOOD, of course) BUT accompanied by what felt like frustratingly significant steps backward. NOT FAIR.
+ Thundering moments of epiphany (also an excellent thing, always) followed by not being able to act on it, or not knowing how to act on it, and reality just being infinitely more frustrating because I now know a super magic secret door exists but I have no idea where it is so i can’t walk through it. RAWR. That was hard.
+ Lots of excruciating Pain From Then showing up at random, unwelcome times and taking me down.
The Good
+ Ohmygod the epiphanies! The epiphanies! Huge ones!
+ The flailing! I got so much of it done this week and my arm hurts!
+ I’m, like, re-friending my business! Because I am very slowly and cautiously exiting Life Sabbatical. And excellent client sessions ensued. Which always makes me deliriously happy. And I drew magnificent plans about where to take things biz-wise. I downloaded a bunch of sudden learnings about everything that was totally misaligned and wrong. But this was a happy discovery because now I know what to do about it. I think! Yay!
+ Yin yoga! Yin yoga! Yin yoga! Yummy! Also, yang yoga! Yay, sovereign yoga that makes me sweat.
+ Family, when it is good, is about the best thing ever. And right now, it’s good. May it be very good, very often in the future.
+ Also my mom. I inherited most of my insanity and monster posses from her, but I also inherited genius, verve and spunk from her. This week, it was very easy to appreciate the latter. Yay, mom!
+ Today I spent a wonderful lazy day with my mom and Ollie. We took a bunch of photos. Mom has taken a liking to Ollie. But of course.
+ Korean food! It is the best!
+ HipGnosis! It is also the best! I am learning so much and getting so much better every day and it is thrilling.
+ Generally recovering the feeling of HAVING MY FEET ON THE GROUND and feeling like myself and being friends with my business again and family. Despite painful stuff that still shows up, I am feeling re-rooted. BEST THING EVER.
+ Today, I unstuck a really painful pattern by just deciding to not worry about it. IT WORKED. Hope it works again.
Wow, all the hard stuff felt really hard but turns out there was so much good!
This is why we chicken…
Wheeeeeeeeeeee – it’s one of the those ‘oops i forgot it was Friday’ weeks!
The Good
+ Working in a garden !! Literally. Not doing so much garden work but sitting in a garden flooping, mostly. And there will be garden work on Sunday.
+ Floop epiphanies. Everywhere.
+ Working on a business plan, which I am calling garden plan (after Jane!). I just adores being in that space and learning and processing.
+ Mini business incubating – with drinks next to a river. Almost jumping onto a large boat from the bridge. Wheeee they can never take our freedom!
– the return of twitter! new name, new zen atmosphere, other people to follow. find me there if you want to!
The Bad
– worries about my official work taking a back seat this week.
– not enough hours in the day. like, ever.
– being done with my official work already. but still having to kind of kick ass at one point or another in that field.
– processing stuck. of course stuck happened, too. i was stuck for a few days and gah blegh re-setting boundaries and expectations is hard work (well for me anyway). (then I called in the help of the Monster Board of Terrible Writing (thank you @Corie!!) and we totally got the best and worst scenario’s in like an hour!)
Ow it seems the magical fluent self website monkeys still had my old twitter name so this is the new one https://twitter.com/#!/MzvanderD
PS! I hope that was ok – not meant as ickey self-promotion (also i am only using twitter for fun) but as a way to [connect] more!
@ Mechaieh, sympathy from me for the allergies and bites.
To all chickeneers – are we having a party for the 200th ???
The hard
Fear and despair because of the Unexpected Arrival of The Spanish Inquisition (yeah, not really but sort of!) and my Imposter monster going over the top screaming: “You’ll get found out!They’ll know you shouldn’t be allowed there.” and other not helpful things.
Things that need to be finished not being quite done & dragging on. More monsters, this time Mrs Sensible, saying “you’ve only yourself to blame, dear”.
Minor health issues that irritate me now & frighten little me from then.
Reading about Rally & Stompololis & all & not being able to even begin to imagine being able to go.
The good
Sunshine with a gentle breeze. We are at optimum operating temperature & this makes me productive & happy!
Music, both live and from our ancient record player. Yeah for vinyl!
Movement. Things might not be done, but they are not stuck anymore 🙂
A feeling of things being possible, like some gwishes might be moving into a new space.
Actually wanting to write, not just wanting to want to.
Reading about Rally & Stompololis & all and dreaming of what it might be like. Considering that maybe the Floop might be becoming a gwish.
Ok – I’ve chickened. Now to wander off for my Saturday morning stroll though all the chikeneers blogs.
How is it Saturday and not Tuesday? This week has flown by…
The hard:
The hormonal thing that was hard at the end of last week absolutely kicked my arse this week. Terrible mood swings, feeling so exhausted that I’m often in bed by 8pm, associated not doings of things I want to do and cancelled plans. Ugh.
Finding out that at the moment I don’t quality for business support moneys that I hoped I would do. Sadface mouse.
The good:
After some intense garden planning (of the metaphorical business sort) last week, this week stuff happened – with ease and fluency.
I’ve dived into creating My New Magical Thing. It’s so much fun and so beautiful to create, and doing so has rescued my mood from being pretty awful to calm + happy more than once.
House to myself for a few days – always a fun change.
Sunshine and blue skies and warm.
Taking myself + the soul of my business out on our weekly tea-date yesterday at a lovely cafe, and then going and eating chips on the beach for dinner.
Reading awesome books! Getting to do so out in the garden or propped in bed looking out at the slowly darkening summer sky.
Kitty cat cuteness.
Remembering the awesomeness of scented candles. Lavender! Rose!
There’s probably more, but now is time for lunch! Much love to all of you, and good wishes for the week ahead.
Hello, Chicken!
This week’s hard:
– Bug bites. Extra-itchy, extra-huge, extra-red bug bites! Something (spiders?) is attacking me during my sleep and I don’t like it — at all. Hydrocortisone goop is not doing much to help.
– Not as much progress on some work stuff as I had hoped. I will end up taking some time this weekend to handle it, and next week will be crunchier than originally planned because of it.
– Missed connection w/ my nephew that left us both disappointed.
– Buttons being pushed.
This week’s good:
– Got to play hooky for an afternoon and go to the art museum.
– Hit a milestone on my Secret Mission.
– Although I did not make as much progress on work stuff as I had wanted, everything is still in motion and moving forward.
Happy weekend, Chickeneers!
I missed last week because I was Frolicking with Alpaca (how’s that for a band name?).
The Hard:
-Being away for the weekend left me way too tired.
-Ah, the migraine.
-Discomfort and suspicion.
-“And here I rest/where disappointment and regret/collide” as Death Cab for Cutie say
The Good:
-Being too tired and the headache reminded me that I need to have firm boundaries around taking care of myself right now.
-Encouragement.
-Spontaneous shopping trip to buy new earrings, sunglasses, and frilly T-shirts. It’s summer!
-Progress being made on my tiny sweet thing, inch by inch.
-Oh, the long weekend. At last!
Wow, I am actually doing a Chicken on a Friday! Way to go me!
Well, at least I’m started it then. Right now it’s technically after midnight on Saturday, and who knows when I’ll actually finish. (Answer: Saturday afternoon.)
THE HARD
-My back. My low back has been hurting like a motherfucker since probably Sunday night or Monday. It’s the worst in the morning when I just wake up. I saw the chiropractor on Toozday, and that helped some, and it has got a bit better over the past few days, but Jesus Christ am I in pain.
-The drugs that I’ve been taking to get out of my pain sometimes leave me feeling guilty, sick, disoriented, and like I can’t get anything done.
-Hearing about other people who are in more pain than me, and feeling like I shouldn’t be complaining, because at least I can stand to get out of bed. I’m not trying to say that my pain is worse than other people’s! I’m just saying that I’m in pain, and can you please be nice to me!
-Awkward job screening Interview, though Jon said that I did a really good job. Also the fact that I haven’t heard back from them. I might not get to the next stage.
-I have $25 to my name and no idea when or how I’m going to get any more money. Panic, shame, avoidance, ect related to that.
-Still haven’t told the folks that I lost my job.
-Friday’s running around and anxiety and frustration and wanting to give up and being embarrassed.
-Food stamp crap, and me feeling bad for being so disorganized and not having all the information until literally the last second. Worried that me turning in the ppwk after 5PM on Friday might make it so that I have to start all over again.
-Was kinda mean to Jon even though he was being super sweet supportive mouse. He didn’t mind, but I know I wasn’t very nice to him, and I have judgments about that.
-Phone anxiety.
-A lot of Not Good Enough tapes playing in my head.
-Thursday Night meeting had a lot of weird moments. I realized that my expectations are just my own, not what everyone else thinks.
-I flaked on meeting up with old high school acquaintance. And I didn’t call to let her know until about 10 minutes before I was supposed to be there.
-Guilt and terror about my unemployment, my limited job prospects here in LC, and my financial obstacles in finding a job far away. This felt like the theme of my week, honestly.
-Misspending of money when I do have it.
-Yesterday’s carrot cake that looked good, but tasted very unsatisfying, and ended up having HFCS in it, which gave me a headache.
-Health scare for my stepdad. We don’t know how serious it is. He is taking it well, but it’s scary and sad.
-Too much sun for my skin. I’m not in the habit of putting on all of my sun protection yet.
-Guilt, in all 31 flavors.
-Depression intensity went up to 11 a few times this week.
-I have so many Big Hards (teehee), that I’m having trouble acknowledging my smaller hards. And my Goods. Hmm.
THE GOOD
+I HAVE INTERNET AT HOME NOW!!!!!!!!!!! It’s temporary, I can’t stream video or download things, but I have it, and I can look at things whenever I want to, and I can Chicken from my bedroom, and I can apply for jobs in bits & pieces without feeling lazy & spending a ton of time trying to find internet. Yaaay!
+Last weekend was awesome. It’s like impossible to explain how great it was. Flowers, great food, a great man-friend, sleep, swimming, ice cream, laughter, nerdiness, cuddling, reading aloud, and the rest I silent retreat on. Basically, most, if not all, of my favorite activities/things, all in one weekend.
+The partial solar eclipse. There was magic in it.
+I got $6 in change that I am planning on sending in to [cause I care about]. Even though this seems counter-intuitive because I have no money, I know this is the right thing for me.
+Prayer. I need more of it.
+Cute little kids & baby pictures that I saw today.
+I’ve been making jokes, and people have been laughing! I’m not sure how long this has been going on, but I’ve started noticing it really. Recognizing that it’s ok to think that I am funny!
+I survived my encounter with my mom without any bad feelings or horrible thoughts.
+I’ve been adapting my sleep environment to help make my body feel much much better.
+Gaining some appreciation of the free things I have available to me.
+Refilling my Prozac. I feel about 20 times better, and I’ve only been back on it for 3 days.
+Some good scribbles in my logbook lately.
+I made a brilliant money map for myself.
+B is home. And I got a great postcard from her the other day.
+It’s the weekend! I get to sleep in!
Love to everyone’s Chickens. Especially the ones that were whispered 🙂
Here I am with a quick chicken. It’s been such a strange week for me.
Hard:
My father died on Sunday. He had been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer last summer, so it wasn’t a shock, yet the final decline somehow did seem very sudden. The hardest part was the realization that I would not be able to be there at the end to say goodbye in person, because I was a 10-hour drive away. Still, I had very intense dreams of my Dad on Saturday night, and woke up calling out to him, and later my sister told me that had been the first night in many days that he had a long, uninterrupted stretch of peaceful sleep. So, she’s convinced that in some way I really was there with him, and I find myself wanting to agree.
Good:
So very, very much love and support all around me, enfolding me — not least of which is me, supporting myself so gently and wisely, but also everywhere I turn I find family and friends reaching out with kindness. And this space, this blog, this Chicken, this marvelous community is so much a part of that, and I thank you all from the deepest depths of my heart. Thank you.
Cluckity cluck
@Kathleen, my sympathies. I’ve been wondering when the chicken would arrive with this news. Peace to you and your family, it is a hard time.
Hard stuffs…
– ongoing irritation at cultural interference in the sexual and reproductive lives of women. Seriously, ugh!! Extra reactive right now because of US birth control/health insurance fiasco which completely appalled me. This even got debated? WTF? Followed by breastfeeding Time cover bushit. And just the unquestioned and omnipresent lumping together of a person’s, particularly a woman’s ‘value’ and her body. What it looks like, has done, hasn’t done, is or is not capable of doing, the order and context in which it was done….. Opinions! Everyone’s entitled to have one, apparently. Ughh.
– children, housework, money mgmt, the daily chop wood, carry water stuff. Hard when you’re tired. Also: babies are moist…. sometimes I wish a little less so…
– You Are A Bad Mother came back with a vengeance this week. Little Lad had an ear infection and I feel responsible because of a half dozen different reasons including the real possibility that I compromised him because he would not argue whereas other people may have done. Ouch.
– Especially after feeling so appalled and outraged about the parenting some special needs kids get because their parents seem to feel like their kid’s disability is happening to THEM. Their kid is so frustrating/ embarrassing/ needy/ inconvenient/ not-what-was-expected… as if this is something that the child is doing to THEM, rather than ‘hey, IIII called this kid into existence, it is my job to accept them for whoever they are and meet them where THEY are, not ask them to meet MY needs and expectations.’ But vulnerable people make easy targets for discharging grief/ anger/ frustration and it’s arguably abusive IMHO and I hate it.
Yucks.
Good stuff….
+ Little Lad and Wonderbaby. So beautiful. Such nice people. I love them.
+ Hubby brought out his new CD and he’s a ripsnorting genius, even a jazz cretin like me can tell. The gig was great too, and watching him play the finale with his also-a-jazz-pianist brother and both their bands was fun and I just imagined how ridiculously proud their mum would have been and how much she would have enjoyed going out for coffee after with a bunch of people and really Holding Court. And even if she didn’t get to do it in real life it was nice to bring her back to life in my heart for a few minutes.
+ MONEY. Sweet, sweet money. You feel me? Yes. (Which of course is really about safety and choice and feeling like the bottom end of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is taken care of, etc. Yes.)
+ I wrote words and clarified concepts to myself. This is good for me.
I also learned more about how processing the process ONLY in words only gets halfway down into the stuck. The body/sense-memory stucknesses need right-brain activity to be processed – art, movement (esp cross-hemisphere movement), connection with nature, stuff like that that doesn’t need the left-brain, language centre.
But it goes like this: activate the stressy stuckness (within a safe space) and then do the right-brainey stuff. Then rest and let the epiphanies shower down. THEN engage the left-brain analytical, languagey part of the brain to make sense of it. To bring prefrontal cortex consciousness to it.
So next time the stuckness gets activated you can be IN it and also WATCHING yourself be in it, and by watching it, by incorporating the prefrontal cortex, seat of consciousness MINDFULNESS into the stuckness-activation-experience then you’ve made enough space to alter it. You’re IN it and IN RELATIONSHIP to it at the same time.
Which, I think is pretty much what Havi’s been telling me EVERY day for two years now but it seems to be sort of making sense now so that’s good.
Ahem.
CLUCK!! xoxo
The Hard
– Feeling like i’m not allowed to love something and have resistance to it at the same time.
– An afternoon of total PMS and presumably weather-related dizziness that threw me for a loop, literally and figuratively, and challenged my “needing to be productive bunnies”…. but we managed.
– Feeling lost. Right now. And being really hard on myself. And not knowing exactly what I need. And feeling like I should be doing more. Ouch.
– Being told that I shouldn’t do the thing that i’ve been putting so much energy into doing, and *listening*… ugh…
– Feeling lonely but wanting time alone.
– Being way too hard on myself for the water retention thing that I have no control over… oh when will i learn to love my body in these moments?
The Good
– Making serious intentional progress on being intentional.
– I did my first OOD! How did I live without ever having done this before ; )
– Hearing supportive new friend reflect all the progress i”ve made back to me.
– REalizing that I need to put systems in place to have all of the progress i”ve made ina week acknowledged.
– Resting while bleeding. Letting myself do this.
– Getting clarity on a situation even though now i”m doubting it….
– I sent out my ad for a producer.
– I got a great response to my ad from someone who could potentially helped me produce it.
– I realized and remembered that I might be a bit freaked out after asking for my producer person and made some time for that to be okay.
– I didn’t feel like every day had to be jammed full of shit.
– I did the thing that I felt intimidated to do and realized that there might be a very good reason for my resistance showing up as “intimidation”… she wasn’t my right person!
– love from my partner.
– taking my confusion to the Remembrance and flnding clarity (now i just have to trust it)
– crackers! my favorite crackers!
– found a cute little table for my room…
– writing this.
Chicken!
The Good:
My wings are tired. Rock climbing lessons today, 5 hours in an old quarry. Yay!
Allergies gone? Gone. The went out with a vengeance, but they are gone.
A body strong and steady enough to climb today. A mind calm and focused enough to get up even when I had no idea where my foot was going or how to hold onto the rock. Trust, patience, perseverance. And good climbing buddies.
The Hard:
Dreams about being rejected.
Realizing that if I want to keep climbing I need money and friends who want to climb. One is easier to get than the other. But I’ll just take it one climb at a time.
Feeling alone and lonely. Thinking that I will never meet someone.
@Kathleen Avins,
Much love, and hugs, if you want them.
For you and your family.
Hurray for chicken amnesty because I’m late to the chicken.
@ Kathleen, sending much love and sympathy, @ Clare P, genius realization. It’s one thing when people tell you something and another thing when you know it inside yourself. @ Whitney, so much pain. Sending support, and also yays for all the goods you found.
My week:
The hard – pain (the usual) plus eyestrain and tired eyes. Very hot outdoors and my brother’s house, where we had a cookout, is not air conditioned.
The good – This has been the best week! MrB has once again recovered from the problem that put him in a wheelchair for three months (it’s always something different) and is ambulatory again. I keep watching him and telling anyone who is with me, Look! Look at that! He’s walking! Being idiotically enthusiastic about it and I don’t care if it does seem idiotic.
The Boomerang Boy’s sense of humor is active and actually funny.
We joined a church six months ago and I was asked to read the scripture for this Sunday. Excitements for me. I love an audience.
And I discovered that the travel money that I thought had gone to help pay for the new car didn’t get used for that. The fund is intact and MrB and I are hoping/planning to go to London this summer! I’m beside myself with excitement.
My family. We celebrated two birthdays and a wedding anniversary, as well as going to the cemetery to put flowers on my father’s grave. Much laughter. I showed my sister in law how to use her new cappuccino machine and the kids were all excited to try it.
Two of my sibs are into genealogy and were totally excited about some of the nearby graves.
I want a lot more weeks like this, where good things happen to me and mine. (Um Universe? Please?) Gwishing the same for all the chickeneers, comment mice, and lurkers.
This week has felt like I’ve been more focused on Getting Ready. The next several weeks are becoming busier and busier, and I’ve been trying to connect more with Future Me, so I can figure out how ze’s going to be and what ze needs from Me Now.
HARD:
+sludge in my water bottle, ew!
+another disappointment in Operation Sight Balls
+the shoes really, really don’t fit
+still haven’t done the pack-and-mail operation
+disappointment about the Song List
+didn’t feel up to Meeting for Worship this week
+struggling with [a crochet project]
+the lemongrass mishap, ew
+struggling with the [insert bird sounds] decision
+searching for the balance between processing and triggering
+the answer to [the Brain Pa(i)n] question wasn’t yes
+sunken cupcakes
+anxiety about the Coming Attractions, even though they are very attractive!
+disagreements with [someone] about [something]
GOOD:
+gently approaching the idea of Superhero Training
+new tasty Indian restaurant
+made myself a crochet hook case!
+garlic soup with dandelion greens!
+using my Plus & Minus process
+reading Borderlands/La Frontera and summoning my Spanish back!
+managed to get together the money for the World Changing Writing Workshop at the last minute
+a whole bunch of Tarot readings (some even paid!)
+started Guruboarding
+receiving a message from a friend in Brazil telling me my blog was featured on QuakerQuaker.org!
+[A friend]’s generosity which moved me near to tears
+starting work in the Quaker conference office!
+getting excited about summer choir season!
+getting excited about Trans-Health Conference!