In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Man, this week. This week this week this week.
I have not especially wanted to write about it. Which is why Friday is happening on Saturday.
The hard and the good this week were pretty much all related to the same thing: all the bandages coming undone at once.
Sometimes I yelled and cried when they were torn from my skin, others just slipped away. But it was a week of lessons in detachment, sovereignty and hard-earned autonomy. And a lot of it was not very fun.
The hard stuff
The Great Unraveling of 2012.
Like I said, all the bandages.
At once.
Stupid truth, stop being right.
Hearing things I did not want to hear, from the two people I trust the most.
Worse, these things they were saying were TRUTH. And important. The advice was sound.
I just didn’t like any of it.
Massive PTSD spiral, what fun.
It turns out there is a whole category of trigger that I did not know about.
So I’d been all set for the explosions but I had no idea what I was in for after a completely innocuous conversation on what seemed to be a completely innocuous topic.
Had to fall apart. And then use all the tricks.
Receiving two awful pieces of news that I was not equipped to handle.
So most of the week went towards processing that.
(This is not at all something I am receptive to discussing so if you are one of those rare people who gets to talk to me on the phone, please don’t bring it up unless I do. I need space for this. Thank you.)
More difficult conversations.
Just when I thought I was done having unbearably painful conversations for a while, there had to be another one.
Which I spent most of this week dreading.
Oh, and then the conversation was a total raging nightmare.
Ohmygod a million trillion times harder in reality than what I was imagining, and if I’d had any idea that it would be that awful I never would have had it.
Where is the new pot for this plant?
I am a plant in the wrong pot and I need to be re-potted immediately.
I am so completely angry about something right now.
It has to do with space and privacy and agreements.
Worried about someone I love.
And hoping hoping hoping they will be okay.
Zombie nights zombie nights.
The damn toddler next door screaming his lungs out all the time, day and night. Night. NIGHT. (And it’s too hot to close windows).
There was one night when he wasn’t screaming but then was some sort of rapping competition happening on someone’s porch? Rapping olympics? I am not sure. Until 1am. The worst.
Another round of sad.
The friend (who doesn’t want to be friends? and oh my broken heart over that!) is leaving town, which I knew, and she is not going to say goodbye to me, which I also knew, but she did want to say goodbye to someone else. Obviously this has nothing to do with me and is not about me, but I felt sad anyway, and oh it has taken so many months to almost-kind-of-sort-of get over the original sad in the first place that I am not ready for another round of sad about it.
Enough with the sad already.
A ritual that I love has to end because CONGRUENCE.
This sucks.
All the bandages came undone.
It was a lot to deal with.
The good stuff
All the bandages came undone!
I needed this! So much!
And now they aren’t there any more.
Things are a little raw, yes. But they are healing. That’s the big news.
I did the right thing.
It involved more pain and sacrifice than I would have liked, but I did the right thing.
I am okay.
Despite all the challenges and the hard, my strengths and internal resources are stronger.
Some parts were easy.
Surprisingly easy, even.
Sweet compassionate detachment.
Holding room for the stuff without being in the stuff.
Getting to the point where I can actually wholeheartedly give up on something that I never thought I would be able to let go of.
Trusting.
Strongest force field ever.
Other people’s crap couldn’t get in this week. I nailed it on boundaries. Just in time, too.
Heart. Opening.
I will silent retreat on that but it was big.
Yoga. And conducting.
The best part of the week.
Showing Stompopolis to Nicole.
And how excited she got!
Shiva Nata.
It saved my life three different times. Literally, not just symbolically.
And magic happened. Astonishing things.
Progress.
Lots and lots of progress. Just in time too.
Massive breakthrough with writing the copy for the new space.
And the new Shiva Nata site design finally went live.
Friends.
The best.
Support.
Especially from my business mentor, from Lady Chuck and from the amazing amazing amazing Shannon.
Moths and messages.
Taking it in stride. Again.
Goodbye, bandages.
Goodbye, bandages. Goodbye, hurt.
Release release release.
I am getting better at this.
That is extremely reassuring.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
Arguing With Piglets.
They’re loud and they go all night.
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
There are TWO Rallies in 2013. Or you can come to the one in September.
Rally (Rally!). It will change everything. It always does.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Oooh, the new shiva nata site design looks fabulous. Hug-offers for the hards and yay for the goods! I wrote mine out yesterday because I guess I really needed to chicken, so here they are:
Somehow Friday the 13th is always a good day for me…. And I’m even remembering to chicken!
The Hard
A Room of My Own
I knew that choosing to stay in a “hostel” type guest-house for two weeks was going to be hard. But I decided I wanted to be in Portal-land for two weeks, and this was the way that could happen at the time the decision was made… and having spent more money than I had planned for this journey, I can’t justify upgrading to a hotel right now. But I will have two nights in hotels next week, and then I will be in Taos where I will have a whole HOUSE to myself. So I just have to make it through 3 more nights in the dorm room. Meh. This was most hard today. I’m hoping it will magically get easier over the next two days rather than harder… {Note from Saturday: this is true! It is happening! hooray!}
Forgetting why I’m here
I can literally feel playground energy on the street where I’m staying in Portal-land. And that’s not why I’m in town. It will be why I’m in town next time, but it’s not why I’m in town now. However, there have been moments of “Gah, it’s so close!” and frustration and weirdnesses. But I am remembering all the reasons I am here and not there and how amazingly wonderful it will feel when I do come back here to be there. And sending all kinds of loving good vibes towards almost-Stompopolis.
Outsider stuff!
Yeah, sure, that conference was amazing. I wasn’t there. Shut up. Actually, I was there, but outside. On the fringes. Somehow though, I had an amazing time anyway and don’t feel like I missed too much. But every now and then there’s still a twinge of “I-wasn’t-there” as I read people’s reflections and such.
Apology not accepted
This was last week, but it’s still lingering. I was MISUNDERSTOOD! And I tried to apologize for what was, to me, a joke, and to him, an insult, and he wasn’t having any. And everyone still thinks he’s a God of sorts, but I think he is ungracious and he will never in the future be receiving of my money. Which triggers even more outsider stuff because I am declaring that I will never go to the conference about which I already have outsider stuff. Hmm.
The Good
Gluten-free grilled cheese
My proxy reason for coming to Portal-land was to research grilled cheese, and there was all kinds of stuff tied up in this about permission too, since I try not to let myself have gluten too often. It makes me achy and cranky. BUT! There is a grilled cheese truck right down the street from where I am staying, and they have gluten-free bread. And this somehow seems to be saying, “You can have your cake grilled cheese and eat it too. It’s about congruence, and rightness, and alignment. Or just about how delicious cheese and bread taste together. Or both!
People are as wonderful in life as on the internet and moreso!
I’ve been meeting so many of my internet friends, and despite the waves of anxiety that always wash over me pre-meeting, they have all more-than-exceeded expectations. I am in awe of all the amazing people I have met in the past three weeks. Serious awe.
I’m still free!
Hey, I’ve been out of my job for three weeks, and it’s finally starting to sink in. At some point, I may have to think about what next, but not yet. Yay vacation!
Naps
Naps are good. Acceptance of naps and my need for them is even better. Becoming good at napping, which I definitely was not good at previously, feels like an accomplishment of sorts.
Happy weekend everyone! Sending love and sparkles.
~Sarah
Wow, the Shiva Nata site looks amazing. Going to take my time reading through it.
So sorry for the hard in everyone’s week, and yay for the good stuff.
Here’s mine.
Went fast.
Hard:
I’m at that moment where I’ve let myself notice how uncomfortable I am in a pattern so I can’t unsee it – drats. Old me would have gotten very anxious in this place, struggling to get out of it by either squeezing it down resulting in anxiety, sloth and disconnection, or, thinking I have to act in some way RIGHT NOW. The “do something right now” voice can send me back into a pattern of fear of the ramifcations of the actions that occur to me in this state I’m in or it compels me to impulsive action which – can land me in a big mess.
The good:
Luckily newer me knows the signs, reads the signals and has been able to pause, give myself permission to be uncomfortable (I can handle this discomfort ),and, to do nothing until I’ve spent some time keeping company with everything that shows up.
Lo and behold, I was able to interrupt the pattern – a new way of responding showed up. Welcome!
The hard:
Some critters have shown up in relation to my work and I haven’t taken the time to interact with them. Yet. I can feel some pressure building,soon. soon.
The good:
New clients
Time with a favorite niece who‘s visiting from CA
Got back into writing mode
@Sarah – I LOVE gluten-free grilled cheese. It is my favoritest favorite!
So chickening. Saturday chicken! Awesome.
The Hard:
– On Wednesday I didn’t get to do a thing I’d planned for the evening and I didn’t realize how important it’d been to me but it was apparently hugely important.
– I always want to be working and I always want to be outside and neither of these wants is getting itself met nearly as often as it would like.
– MONSTERS! Monsters about sovereignty, mostly. I mean, monsters about their monstery things but all of it is related to wanting more sovereignty.
– So much pain about the neighborhood I live in, and how it’s not the neighborhood I’d like to live in.
– Ears/nasal passages are doing this weird uncomfortable thing that effectively takes me out of commission for anything but sitting. Cranky sitting. And I only kind of understand why it happens or how to fix it, so frequently I just…can’t go anywhere that involves walking. Not even to the bathroom unless I get help walking there. Not fun!
– The neighbors’ &^%$&^$&@ing fan*. I hate it. I hate them. Turn the damn thing off!
*Not just a window fan. The window fan is annoying enough, but understandable. I’m talking about the super ridiculously loud bathroom fan they leave on 23 hours of the day.
The Good:
– CREATIVITY! I have basically been in a vortex of saying everything that is most important to me about everything, and living in flow. Amazing. And whenever the monsters throw me out, I find a way back in. Quickly, even.
– Seriously, the superpowers were huge this week. All my superpowers! All of them. All the time.
– Feeling the baby kick consistently, every single day, at more or less the same time. I can interact with this small being! This small being is a big fan of somersaults in the evening. I approve!
– I won a Game of Thrones card game! House Baratheon for the win, bitches. I even did it on my own, using my own strategy without asking for help. And I won. By 3 entire points.
– I’ve been asking for the castle to come in and the castle totally came in in several huge ways without me even noticing and then it’s like: hey, free castle for way less destuckifying than you thought it’d take. Awesome.
– BRILLIANT morning that I woke up in the worst mood ever, and decided to write a cranky, theoretical to-do list in which I frequently agreed with my monsters about how pointless everything was…and how just writing that list turned my day around and made it amazing.
– I asked for help! About a huge stuck! And now that huge stuck is being helped! And possibly (shh, don’t tell my monsters) I can ask the *exact* *same* *person* for help with another huge stuck!!
– Being pleasantly surprised in myriad ways by life this week. I have more money than I thought I did. That shoe wasn’t a shoe. That stuck took only hours and not days to dissolve. The thing I thought was awful was the best thing ever. Etc. Except all of those times 10!
– Running away to parks! Ideally there will be much more of this, but it’s happened twice so far and both times have been jolly good.
Cheers, Chickeneers!
The Hard
– strangely tight/pained left hamstring (why? how?)
– my parents worrying they won’t find a new house
– not enough yoga
The Good
– taking some true “down time” to paint and read
– massive creativity and ideas
– quality time with my husband
Yah Saturday chicken!
Havi, sending you soft blankets (or perhaps cool sheets?) to wrap your newly un-bandaged self in. I hope things get easier for you this coming week.
The hard of this week:
Getting *that* phone call I had been dreading, and then almost forgot about. And then having them call at the exact moment I was totally not prepared and getting blind-sided by icky stuff.
People visiting who are not *my* people. Having them in my house, moving things, changing things and completely ignoring my requests to stop doing that.
Still no day job, despite more resumes and careful research.
All the ick and stuff from before piling up in preparation for Tuesday.
The Good!
Sunshine and lots of it. Swimming in the river and roaming around in the woods.
Only 4 weeks until puppy!
Major breakthrough on a novel. Blog love and the grand adventure that is my intro to Twitter.
A wonderful thunderstorm over the mountains.
Falling apart, but remembering to give myself what I needed, which helped a lot.
Finding the perfect birthday gift for my sister.
<3 for you!
Lady Chuck
I noticed the new Shiva Nata site design yesterday! It’s really beautiful
I am having one of those “wait, what did happen this week?” moments, but I shall Chicken all the same. Think, Kat, think!
Hard stuff:
–Some verrry stubborn patterns going on in one of my work settings. I am aware of them and interacting with them, and making some progress, but it feels like moving against a very swift current.
–Daughter seems to be snapping at me when I do not deserve to be snapped at. I do not like being snapped at by my daughter, especially when I do not deserve to be snapped at. It is setting off my stuff, which is doing neither of us any good.
–I saw two movies that were painful for my HSP-self. One was a comedy and one was a sci-fi thriller, and they were both good movies in their own ways, but they both invaded me and left me feeling ways that I did not want to feel. Separating from their fictons was an effort.
Good stuff:
–I signed myself up for Hiro Boga’s Heart of Support retreat next month. I’m very excited about this!
–I’ve made some real headway on a project that I’d been wanting to begin for months.
–I’ve been feeling creative, sovereign, strong, beautiful, and free.
–Dance of Shiva!
–I heard about an event that I wanted to attend, the day before it was scheduled to take place. I said to myself, “I’m going to do this!” I said to my family, “Come along if you like, but I’m going to do this!” And then I did it!
–Beautiful serendipity.
–Better weather.
yeah, this week. So much love to everyone for just getting through it.
The hard
Giving up being on the board of a nonprofit I care deeply about. But I’m depleted. Horribly, horribly depleted. If I’m going to be able to volunteer at all, I have to cut back. I think I’ve got a bad case of super-hero syndrome going on here.
The good
Super crazy clarity on the purpose of the blog. After spending a silly amount of time dithering about it, I asked some folks for feedback. And then, as they were telling me it was fine, clarity rang like a bell.
Wonderful time starting to plot and world build on a new story. Yeah, I was planning to finish revisions on the last one first. But the fabulous thing about being indie, is that there’s not a contract I have to hold to. And this just seemed like more fun for now.
The I’m not sure:
The craft day retreat had far fewer people than expected, but it turned out to work really well. Good conversations and information shared, so I think it was a good thing. But it being over is probably the best thing. No more ideas. No more projects. Nothing new that takes brain cells until I’m not quite so over capacity.
Many sparkles to all chickeneers!
Just a quick chicken.
The Hard:
– Debilitating hot flash while out shopping. It didn’t show, so I was spared the flushed-and-sweaty. It just sucked away all of my energy. Other hot flashes triggered by exposure to heat — like emptying the dryer.
– Suicidal son — again. But he recovered more quickly than usual.
The Good:
+ Travel preparations taking place with ease.
+ Good balance of activity and rest. Also falling asleep earlier than usual and waking earlier.
+ Reconnecting with friends and doing social activities after a long period of not having energy for them.
A lovely week, with lots more good than hard.
@havi: rawness acknowledgement. namaste.
@judy: most important addition to the sentence ever: ‘I can handle this discomfort’. Of course! This is what I need to add in!!
@everyone: hards… so hard. Goods… delighted!
Me.
Cluck!
Hards….
– had to have A Conversation. Actually that was alright, it’s the fact that I have to waaaait for the other person to mope around for many days, singing song lyrics all very meaningfully into the air around us, sighing. Oh come on! And if I had said “what’s up” he would only have said “oh nothing. *sigh*”. Yawn.
– cars. They break down. And cost money to fix. And are very required at this point in our lives. And then break down again! Twice in a week, after we just got the other one going… It’s a total soap opera. (Saab opera!!) And then the washing machine broke down too.
– finances. And getting it sorted out. And the if onlies (misspelling intentional).
– my Little Lad. I have a hard time letting go of my wishes that he were stronger and more robust.
– my mum. It seems like she’s starting to lose her marbles. Just slowly. And it is NOT FAIR. And I’m sad.
– my stuff. I have it. I have stuff that I’m really TIRED of having. I have stories that stuff requires a long time and a lot of effort before it can be let go. I’m sure this is not true. But it seems to be one of the True Facts Of Reality according to many parts of me. And I don’t know how to un-know that. Of course I do. Dance of Shiva, for instance. Mindfulness pratice, for instance. Hipgnosis tricks, for instance. And I don’t do any of them because of I DON’T KNOW! I am the horse staring at the water feeling fucking thirsty but obviously not THAT thirsty. Struggling to feel loving-kindness about that pattern o’ mine.
Goods…
– In the Conversation we had I got to say My Piece and he got to express that he has Ludicrous Fear Popcorn and I got to reassure him that it was Ludicrous and things feel better now.
– we have enough money to deal with Finances even with the cars going. Or, not going! Enough money is a beautiful thing.
– floopy insights from very smart people. Thank you floopitrons. Y’all are ace!
– We have another computer in the house! One for you and one for me! Would you like a cup of tea? Hurrah!!
– I have my husband, my kids, my parents. Even with age, and health, and all the general BEING HUMAN of it all.
– Cookie Monster covers “Call Me, Maybe” like this: “hey me just met you, and this is craaazy, but you got cookie! So, share it maybe?”. Even catchier than the original.
Hahahahahahaha…. <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qTIGg3I5y8
(Be it known that my favourite music genres are pop, country and show tunes. Don't worry, I may well never speak to me again either.)
xxoxoxoxox CLUCK!!!
Hard:
* Atmospheric saturation, of both literal and mental varieties
* Compensation issues (and ish-shoes, come to think of it)
* So much stuff (both in general and in fluent-self-sphere-speak)
* I am being six years old about the need to sleep.
Good:
* I am on holiday! Which today included looking at pictures of and by kickass women, and moseying around a garden show, and browsing/nibbling my way around the Hen House (a kitchen supply and condiment shop). Change of scene = awesomesauce.
* Good customer service + help desk
* Did not have to pull all-nighters to get big project out of door in time
* earrings and nail polish on sale
* being surrounded by brilliant, talented, and loving people
* plus the silly but very loving and incredibly-talented-at-communicating dog
Sending you all feathers for caps and nests and whatever else you are cultivating. 🙂
Hard: I am anxious & up way too late because of it, when I am supposed to be on vacation.
This is because someone well meaning but clueless and careless sold out my basic safety in my home to to a sociopath who is playing him.
I am running the Sociopath 101 lecture for him in my brain, and in despair –quietly, almost subconsciously–that I just want to call Uhaul and leave because there is now zero safety or sovreignity there, that’s been made clear.
The running the lecture pattern is a major pattern I hate to have show up again, so is the uhaul.
Travel. Eating during travel. Adrenal weirdness, crashes and revving.
Good:
I’m taking an amazing art class this week
I figured out how much I need to detach from other People’s stuff about what I eat that they don’t understand is pre cisely the healthiest thing for me.
And how much stuff gets circulated like flying caca around food and health “concern”, how the solution is really clear boundaries
I signed up for rally!
I got to hang with a good friend I never see
Support trying to help protect me from the hard is a gem even.if it didn’t stop it
If I actually used the proper nouns of the person involved in the bet rayal I would sound nuts in such a weird way and th at is worth a giggle at the moment
Oh yeah, and I think the next thing, big thing, been developing for years actually decades, just SHOWED UP. so that is excellent.
Hi everybody, happy to be here 🙂
A slightly subdued cluck from me today. @Havi you take my breath away with your insight and your willingness to share your processing. Sending soothing creams and restorative ointments for the new skin.
The hard
*I am bruised and it hurts, and the monster chorus are in full song and the song is “This is all your own fault”. Silent retreat on the details but ‘ouch’.
*Too much of everything, mostly good things that I like but just too much and I felt overwhelmed. Actually I felt a bit disassociated, watching it all from a distance and not liking myself much.
*Wet and cold. In July! Yuk!
*Feeling old and creaky.
The good
There was lots of good this week
*My ood worked well, I learned loads & I need to revue. Lots for the Book of Me
*Some really nice times with my sweetie, all week.Mmmmm.
*The bruising reminded me to be gentle and look after my ‘home'(body). Meant I felt able to ask my sweetie to make lots of lovely raw meals this week.
*Decided to look for some way to do Old Lady Yoga
*I feel much good can come from this, insights for the Book of Me and changes that need to happen.
Sending lots of <3s your way.
Wishing we could have hung out when I was in Portland last weekend (OMG I didn't even eat a sandwich that blew my mind!).
Oh, honey. Gentle hugs. I had a friend inform me years ago that she no longer considered me her friend. It devastated me. We had been best friends for 27 years, or at least I thought we had. She said she hadn’t felt like my friend for years, felt that I had only been pretending to be her friend so she would do me favors, which confused the hell out of me since she traveled a lot, and every time she went out of town I took care of her cats (including giving one medicine), watered her garden, watered her houseplants, brought in her mail, filled her birdfeeders… Oh, and I knit her a vest out of yarn I spun. Designed it to her measurements and description of what she wanted. Saw her wear it once.
In retrospect I think I’m better off without her, but thinking about the whole thing still hurts.
Sigh. Anyway.
This week.
The hard:
– I guess I’m still recovering from pneumonia. I sleep 9-10 hours a night, and it’s really really hard to get up in the morning, and I just never have very much energy. I have so much I want to do and need to do, and I’m just not getting much of it done. I feel slothlike.
The good:
+ I’ve been working really hard the last few weeks on what I call The Happy Fuzzy Yarn Local Wool Project, and this week I finally got everything together and put it up on Indiegogo to raise funds: http://www.indiegogo.com/happyfuzzyyarn.com. Basically I’m raising money to have local wool millspun into fingering weight yarn and also some of it processed into combed top. I’ll dye it, spin some of the combed top, and it’ll be for sale. If you contribute, you can select a perk, which basically means you’re preordering. If you go to the site there’s more info, plus a video of me being dorky (I was really tired when we shot it. I don’t usually talk that slow).
+ I’ve been looking for an inexpensive used cradle picker, (a wool processing tool that can cost up to $850 new), and I mentioned this fact around some friends. One of them said, “Oh, I have one I’m not using anymore. You can have it.” !!! She gave it to me! For free! What a dear!
Sneaking in a Chicken on Sunday!
The Hard:
– Had a match date and said yes to a walk after dinner when I meant to say no thank you good night. which lead to me having to say I’m leaving goodnight a bit later while he was still sitting in the coffee shop drinking coffee but I really had to leave. I was done. Then he texted me and said he had a great time but I seemed bored. Not bored, just not interested. Remembering that not everything requires a response and hoping he finds someone who is not not interested.
– money stress. taxes and things. and a few clients saying “no, thank you” which I know is always better in the long run but still it pings. Remembering that this has come up approximately eleventy billion times before and will fade away and come up again. Like everything else. And I can handle this discomfort.
– Having that panicky feeling where I think that in order to atone for money issues I need to clean and organize and be “good” and trying to remember that Mary Oliver said that I do not always need to be good and crawl on my knees.
– having to hear that song come on the radio when we are at the beach and I can’t change the station. Trying to remember that I can handle the discomfort. Which is more like stabby heart pain than discomfort, but still I can handle it. (What does not handling it look like?)
The Good
– Creepy guy at the pub trying to talk to us and then a flock of protectors swooped in to move stools so we could move away, and the bartender told him to leave us alone and then shut him off and made him leave and our happy place was happy again.
– Beach and boat with friends. Best thing ever.
– central AC. Enough said.
– Thinking about all the bandages coming off, and all the armor dropping away and nothing left but everything.
PS: @havi, i think the Shiva Nata site design, by the way, is absolutely beautiful.
Starship Shivanautica, destination: infinity…..
xo
Luscious sparkly new Shiva Nata site. Love!
Hard: freaked out about a prezzo at day job. Spent way too much time on this.
Good: naps. Never been a nap person. Now it seems I am.
Also: weekend in Wellfleet. So I’ve apparently become the kind of person who takes weekends off. Very very good.
<3s for all the hard.
So, this week. The hardL
Incongruent thing being incongruent. Frustration! Being in aware that I'm in avoidance about a lot of this, and then realising that what I'm avoiding is the huge ball of pain from then that I've pretty much shut up in a box for the last fifteen years.
Things being slow. Or things coming up that took huge amounts of time. Not getting as much done as I'd hoped.
I think I really need to get an old piercing removed, and annoyingly all the piercing parlours are closed on Mondays, which is the day that I'm going into town.
The weather. So sick of the cold and rain and feeling like I'm caged in the house. Sick of being cold in July. Sick of not going for long walks or sitting outside because of how awful the weather is. Sick of people saying 'well it's good for the garden' when actually the ground is becoming waterlogged and apple and stoned fruit crops have failed and the poor plants have windburn. (My poor ferns!)
The good:
Exploring shamanic stuff and feeling like I am so much more me and in my powers.
Sleep! The thing that was keeping me awake getting fixed. Sleep!
Those two meaning that so much less frustrated and angsty about the hard.
People loved my new thing that is ready to go out into the world + found it useful. Yay!
Delicious day today – escaping into the countryside – amazing dramatic skyscapes and exploring a village, including smelling roses, watching the bees gather pollen from the hollyhocks, oogling poeple's front gardens, discovering a beautiful old church with uncovered wall paintings, an old castle wall and the best tea shop ever. That does cheese scones and has the loveliest staff.
Meeting up with an old work friend on Friday for lunch.
I have so many awesome books to read. And a film to watch! Very much enjoying reading the books I'm reading.
Booking myself on the dreamworking workshop. Excitements!
Making a big list of things I want to do and doing them.
Mmmm….here's to the week ahead.
heart sighs all around! love and gentle cluckings! So touched by this post, and by everyone’s chickens.
Sunday nite chicken, just like whn i was little.
the suck:
-the return of heat, altho not quite 100+.
-my husband’s car stuff: 900 bucks in new tires, then it breaks down (timing belt) two days later. today involved lots of running around to get a rental car.
-money is going out so freaking fast later, and big items too: 750 for the anesthiesia, 600 for the AC repair, etc etc
-anxiety about What inscrutable Psychic lesson references above
-going back to work tomorrow. the younger parts fo me are very resistant
-the stress of even a quick vsiit with mom and all the ways, large and smll, that we butt heads.
-the kids being back. breaks over, in spades
-anxiety for new rotuines ton=morrow. am i ready> are they? do they ahve what tyey need? anxiety!
-there’s a very icky dynamic in my life that i’m proxying Sir Gerald and his Kumquats. they are obnoxious to me, and kinda hurtful, but it’snot really my stuff at the heart–it’s my stuff how id eal with it. The internal chorus of selves is divided in opinion, with the older, more stable selves indifferent, and the younger, fearful selves being very triggered and alarmed.I have nothign against kumquats per se, but the whole thing causes me stress.
-the lack of exercise without substantial dietary change and i’m realy not liking how i look. silent retreat on the res
-a real lack f Flailing. suck
the sparkle:
-some real progress on Proposal 2
-even more iomprtant, real process about the writing etc work (proxy: the Sloop). This all came so fluidly this evening, just poured right out as i was typing it up, and it feels very true and on the right track. this level of enegagemnet feels more imort nat than actually laying down text right now, and now that i’ve managed to articulate it (to otehrs as well as myself) i’m ready to work
-painted a painting. it was small but had energy and was very quick between getting the ideaa and drawing it (bonus points fo that)
-finally some rain
-my girls home safe
-resources tocover even extreme expenses
-starting my daily writing practice with so much support and presence
-using the Art of embarking helps every thing else. i really love it.
The Shiva Nata site is a thing of beauty! So lovely. Aaaaand, it literally sparkles, which is pretty much the best thing ever. It feels like a comfy, inviting space that’s easy to feel at home in. I love that.
Why, hello, Chicken Amnesty. Nice to see you. I almost ducked out (chickened out!) because this was a big, big Monster Truck Rally of a week for my monsters. But I want to write it down anyway. So there. Neener-neener, monsters.
STUFF-COMMA-HARD
Didn’t do Shiva Nata all week. All my monsters came out to do a jug-band jam session over that. Singin’ a big ol’ refrain of, “See?!? You never stick with anything!!” Sigh.
Clutch on our only car died while my husband was driving in the mountains, on a super-dangerous, busy 2-lane highway. He had to wait there for 3 hours for help, then get towed 60 miles back home.
Computer issues. Lots of them. Blown deadlines and fretting ensued. Tech support wankers stirred up all my stuff/worries over PEOPLE PERCEIVING ME TO BE STUPID.
Our idiot next-door neighbor is getting ready (i.e. doing crappy redneck fix-it jerry-rigging jobs) to rent his place out, presumably to an even bigger idiot. Worry, worry, worry, followed by a steady mantra of “Well, I guess I need to work EVEN HARDER so we can save up to buy a house sooner and get the hell out of this neighborhood!”
Absolutely everything took 3 times longer to do than I’d hoped/planned/budgeted/allowed for. Oh, the monsters.
Still didn’t do any blogging. Sad trombone.
I stood up for myself, in a big way, to a demanding (but not yet paying) client, and told them as politely and NVC-ously as I could to Back the Eff Off. Their lack of response (I know not everything requires a response!) brought up my fears of OH GOD NOW THEY HATE ME.
STUFF-COMMA-GOOD
I stood up for myself to that client! Actually, I was seriously rockin’ the sovereignty this week (and have been since Rally), at least when it came to interacting with people’s expectations of me. Which surprised me, considering the presence of monsters in so many other situations.
Car is fixed. Husband is safe. And he even got to complete his mountain mission, which was to bring home 50 pounds of beautiful red pie cherries from Yakima. So now our house is filled with lovely jam and cherry pies.
I put my house (studio) in order, in a lot of ways. Feels good.
Sparkly completion! On many things that had been hanging over my head! Yay for completion!
Even though I didn’t do any blogging, I did carve out some time to sit in a lovely coffee shop and do some personal-project stuff there. It felt like Rally. I loved it. Hoping for more of it this week.
Sending you all hearts and hugs and a shower of pretty confetti, in the best chicken-y spirit.