In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
The hard stuff
The letter that I didn’t want to receive.
Well, not the letter that I didn’t want to receive. That would have been unbearable.
But a letter of love that still hurt.
Being toast on Friday.
This always always happens after Rally, to the point that I pretty much just schedule it in.
But somehow it hit harder than usual this time.
Being toast on Saturday.
That was from not going to bed on Friday night.
Up until four in the morning.
Admittedly, up until four in the morning enjoying the hell out that. But Havi on no sleep cannot do conscious entry, and without that everything else kind of falls apart.
Havi needs her sleeps.
No regrets. Just a reminder for the Book of Havi.
Exhausted.
Worn out.
A difficult situation and I don’t know what to do about it.
Hmm.
It isn’t really a difficult situation. It’s just that I don’t want to deal with it. It’s a design problem, it has a design solution. Somewhere.
Not on my way to Boston.
Moments of sad to very-sad.
Sadness and old pain.
Yes.
Every time I didn’t do entry.
Seriously.
The worst.
Too much going on.
Still.
The good stuff
Found a new just-right cafe.
Thank you, hidden clew that lead me there.
A stone does an unexpected thing.
Hmm. Intriguing.
Playdate playdate and more playdate.
I will [silent retreat!] on the details and instead will just beam a radiant smile of delight and contentment about this.
Basically this entire week just turned into one long uninterrupted playdate of playfulness.
It made everything better this week. Over and over again.
Also it made a really hard thing that was going on so much more bearable.
I am happy. About this. And words are being weirdly useless right now, so just: know that.
Under the tree.
Yoga in the park with Danielle. Under a giant tree.
Pinecone shaped bruises. Tiny twigs everywhere.
Happiness and delight. Soft breeze. EARTH. My god.
I did not have to have any stressful horrible conversations this week.
So that was a new fun development that made this week different than the last several.
I was actually social this week, how bizarre, and it was fun, how bizarre.
This is highly unusual.
Aside from the one thousand nights of playdates. I guess that is a form of social too.
I finally had that drink with Lizz, eight months later. She’s great. She’s on a mission, you guys. Pay attention. Also her dog Oliver is my new best friend.
Also Jenny and I have ACTUAL PLANS to, I don’t know, paint the town red or drink tea and fall asleep, more likely. The point is, this is all new.
And I ran into Emily on the bus, and this was the most perfectly timed thing in the world.
Beach day.
With Lady Chuck.
It made everything better.
I’m actually glad I’m not in Boston today.
So that worked out well, I guess.
Friends.
One of the most painful of the many, many painful things in these past six months was the loss of a friendship that was incredibly important to me.
This week I leaned into friends.
Michelle and Marisa and Danielle and Chuck.
The best thing. Well, aside from playdating.
The tiniest of tiny children, at the beach, wearing a shirt that says Play Or Get Out Of The Way! And nothing else.
I approve wholeheartedly.
I wanted to write all week.
And I even put stuff here.
All the words.
Let’s start with eight, because I always start with eight.
How about vernacular and flash and reaction and romp?
Crossing, intensity, namings and tug.
Words are the best.
An amazing sparkling visit with my business mentor.
We speak a secret language, and we tear stuff apart, and it’s amazing.
Energy!
Me, on Wednesday: “I feel so excited that I can’t stop moving! I need to go aerobics and do fabulous cheesy 80s moves to disperse some of this! Okay, now I need to go to dance class! Wait, I still need more dancing!”
Me, Thursday: “No, still excited! More dancing? How about a two hour walk and then another couple hours of yoga, just to calm down a little?”
Me, Thursday night: “Why do my calves hurt?” … pause …. crash.
Today! Today is my secret royal coronation at the royal courthouse.
I have been waiting for this for a very long time. Today I am meeting Incoming Me, and maybe we are also going out to brunch. This is all because of shiva nata, and it is amazing.
Havi Bell! Come in, come in. Let’s reverberate. Let’s ring all the bells.
What a pleasure. This. Is. Pleasure.
From the archives.
Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:
- This one called Memories and maybe a correction. I’d forgotten.
- Thinking about love. This is important.
- The difference between grinding wheels and not griding wheels.
- This one about something to believe in.
Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?
- Read this. Amy’s marvelous post about monsters and understandings.
- Our Eve is doing the most amazing thing.
- Okay, I am so very much out of the loop (out of all the loops) of pop culture, and I hadn’t even heard the Call Me Maybe song until last week. I’d only heard people bemoaning its existence slash all the covers. So this is probably the last thing you want to see but I don’t care because Cookie Monster! And also because “Snicker-doo-dell” is the best pronunciation ever. And also the line “please someone call the girl scouts”. This fills me with delight. Snicker-doo-dell.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
Bothered By Pomelos.
You might have heard their first album: LINGUAL COLLISIONS.
And yes, it turns out that it’s really just one guy.
I stole both of these excellent names from Nick.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
I recommend the monster coloring book. It worked several miracles this week for pretty much everyone at Rally.
Also the September Rally is sold out, so try to come February.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
I am lighting my candle. You can light one with me if you want.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Soundtrack of this week…
Here you go. Dance it up.
That’s what I’m doing.
Follow
Dance it up !
The Hard
1. Getting fired, again, in the same situation. Someone driving home the point that i am really really unsuitable in his opinion.
The Good
Friends, the amazing new date, support, rewriting the story my way a little bit.
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard
– not sleeping well
– the pudge
– slogging through course prep
The Good
– 4th wedding anniversary
– going deeper in yoga
– not working on the weekends
Hey there, Friday. Let’s chicken!
Hard:
-My dog has gone on walkabout. The battery in her collar must need replacing; she went through the invisible fence. This has happened before, but she’s never been gone this long. There have been sightings around the neighborhood, so apparently she’s doing all right, but I want her to come home, and I feel so helpless, and worried, and more than a little ashamed. (Please please please no advice on this, just love and good wishes for happy endings. Thank you!)
Good:
-The Wizard and I have reservations to stay at a cozy bed and breakfast next month, very near the ocean. Yay for decisive action and things to look forward to!
-A beautiful new journal with lovely art on the cover: a faery in stripy stockings, gazing dreamily into her cup of coffee.
-Conscious entry turned an anxiety-inducing situation into a fun adventure. Then, when it was all over, conscious exit was also lovely!
-A loved one started getting angry and railing at me, and I stood my ground, called him on his crap — and mensch-like, productive conversation ensued. There has been some kind of old, old pattern-from-then in that relationship dynamic (probably more than one, really) and in recent months, it has really been shifting. And it really needed to shift. This is so important.
-The comfort of rituals.
Thank you all for being here. I am lighting my candle, and welcoming the weekend.
Yay for Friday chicken! 🙂
The Hard:
– Post Rally flattening. Really good, deep down, but a lot of “wait, why am I surrounded with all this stuff?” and “how the heck do I get out of this STUFF?”
– Also post Rally: I’d been planning and waiting and dreaming toward Rally… and now it’s over and I don’t have any other gwishes in the chute, it seems. So strangely directionless and restless.
– Discovering where force fields were not in place. Old resentments and old pain leaping out with new tiny triggers.
The Good:
– Hello, force fields! So insanely useful! And they helped me see that now is not then and old pain does not have to leech into new situations.
– Clearing! Reminding myself that I can’t possibly put systems on this much crap. Emptying office black-hole file closet by four big boxes, getting stuff ready for donation, looking at even my books and asking “do I need them HERE?”
– Asking for help, and getting it.
– Getting my Boy back from the Grandma squad. Having a writergirls night first, though. 🙂 And there was much rejoicing! 🙂
Mwah. Glad you’re here. 🙂
Oh Havi – All the bells for you for today!
And Kathleen – best wishes and good energy for your explorer!!
The hard
* A terrible monster chorus, brought at a vulnerable time by a comment by a person who really, really would never want to hurt me. But it still hurt.
* Finding out that the contract for a project that I’ve been throwing myself into for the last month didn’t get finalized, so there’s going to be about a month’s delay in getting paid.
* The monster chorus that says nobody else thinks the project is important – because if they did, they wouldn’t have let this happen.
* The monster chorus that says I’ve put too many hopes on this one thing, and now everything is going to fall apart
The good
* Play weekend with the bestie and the niece
* Brainstorming on papers covering everything from looking at Adele of Bloise to Gatchaman to fanfiction and literacy. So very, very much miss stretching my brain!
* Several great meetings about the project, despite the monster chorus!
It’s Friday! FRIDAY! Hello, Friday!
Hard:
– Moving almost everything in two days. And the shoes that were thrown, and how hard they landed. Oof.
– In which my tailbone loudly protests. About everything, but especially about bending over and straightening up and sitting and standing and lying down. Ow.
– So much stuck about time and plans. It still appears (pattern) that every time I make a plan, especially if it feels like a very connected plan, the plan falls apart. Related: am I going out of town next week or not? Related: WHEN DO I GET TO GO TO A CONCERT IN A PARK?!
– Trying to live in a mess. Trying to have company over (twice!) in a mess. Trying to walk or cook or brush my teeth or anything at all really, in a mess.
– All of the sudden none of my clothes fit, and every time I see someone they say “Wow, you’re huge” and I am not accepting comments on my size at this time! I am me-sized. Or me-plus-baby-sized, really. I am the right size! Also, I want pretty clothes again.
Good:
– MY COUSIN CAME TO TOWN AND WE HAD BREAKFAST AND IT WAS THE BEST! He was one of my favorite people in the world growing up and I hadn’t seen him for at least seven years, possibly longer, and it turns out that we still have things to say to one another, he still likes me, I still like him. Even though he coaches football and I am a crazy hippie. HE CAME TO SEE ME! WE HAD THE BEST TIME! IT WAS THE BEST!
– I LIVE IN NORTHEAST, BITCHES! Oh it is so wonderful. Every time I want to go somewhere, it is *right* *there*. All the spatial relationships I hold in my head are rearranging and centering around the place I want to be the center and I get to walk everywhere and everywhere there is delight and wonder and beauty.
– I HAVE A BACKYARD! And a front yard. And a highly highly walkable residential neighborhood, and a park right across the street. No more stranded isolated feeling. Everywhere says welcome.
– THE SLEEP IS SO DEEP! So even though there is construction next door, and a busy street one house away, and partiers down the block, and a park across the street, and a fire station nearby… this place is SO MUCH quieter than our last apartment. I didn’t know it was possible to sleep so deeply.
– Stompopolis all the time! Because I can walk there! And when the hubsters or I get hungry, we can call the other one to bring us food, so we can stay as long as we like!! No 30 minute drive!!
– Super intense shouting-in-Spanish running around throwing things into the pot Shiva Nata. And then super sweet quiet rotating-on-a-chair Shiva Nata. And crazy head epiphanies and crazy body epiphanies and so much relief from all the pain. Also, I completely forgot my word for horizontal 3 at one point, even though I never just lose things from my mind like that. So I made that position: EVERYTHING. Trust EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING is effervescence!
– I don’t mind being alone anymore. This huge hard pattern of abandonment and paranoia just…didn’t follow me here from the old apartment. I mean, I’m sure it’s still hanging out in some form somewhere, but everything is so much better. I feel like a me again! An independent and desirous of solitude me.
– On Tuesday I planted a bajillion gwishes for structure and architecture and on Wednesday I found a clew and on Thursday I created THE BEST THING EVER in a “content management system.” I have a web page called humming and radiance that is entirely about supporting myself through transitions! I used it last night and again this morning and it is faaaaaabulous.
– Rearranging and reconsidering and recongruencing all the things! Architecture and systems and spatial relationships and beauty and design and loooooooove.
– We got to go see the purple house again, and we made an offer, and the offer was accepted. The purple house! Because it’s a short sale (complicated bank clusterfuck-y thing), it’s still not 100% certain, but I am dissolving my pattern of needing 100% certainty for excitement. The purple house! The spiral staircase! The wood floor! The raised garden beds! SO MUCH BEAUTIFUL POSSIBILITY! ALSO IN THIS GLOOOORRRRRRIOUS NEIGHBORHOOD! ON AN EVEN QUIETER STREET!
– Like, a million other things! That I silent retreat on!!
Hi, Friday! Hi, Chickeneers!
The hard: Lots of tired this week in my household. Some guilt and worry and confusion around numbers and tracking. A no that felt a little painful. Words and images not as accessible to me as I would have liked. Not enough movement.
The good: A few days of cooler weather! I pretended I was in Seattle, and it was fabulous. The delicious smoothies I made myself this week — yum. Keeping up with the dishes, and actually kind of enjoying it (weird!). I did write some things, and they felt good. Feeling increasingly capable of feeding my body the things it wants instead of the things my brain thinks it wants. Pretty steady energy. A brief session of Old Turkish Lady Yoga. Sleep. Lots to celebrate, and others celebrating with me. A talk I had with Future Me. Feeling increasingly free. Gaining a bit of clarity on numbers and tracking. Rituals and habits serving me very well these days.
Wishing you fellow chickeneers all the qualities you’re seeking this weekend.
Well, if you’re starting to get all SOCIAL, it might be time for me to get my ass to Portland.
One day.
One.
Day.
Ah lovely Friday, it seems snuggly today.
the hard
-leaning into pain of all kinds
the fabulous
-Holidays! lughnasahd is me.
-Friends everywhere. Some absent for months. all welcome.
-am I [kind of] acclimating to the heat!?
-one huge annoying project put to bed.
-Cucumbers from the garden.
-heart nestling post tears
wishing all a comforting weekend if that sounds good… xo
Good news! My daughter just texted me: our dog is home! With a new battery in her collar! Thank you, Corie, and everyone else who sent wishes and good energy — and thank you, thank you, oh marvelous and resourceful daughter who brought our explorer back home to us!
Ahoy Friday and all the Chickeners!
The hard:
– Miscommunication, AGAIN, with a system that is broken and that I cannot hope to fix.
– The above leading to early morning phone calls of doom and redundancy.
– Being hardcore in the stuck, and giving myself permission to be in the stuck while still railing angrily against it.
– [Silent retreat], but it was messy and hard and brain-hacking.
– An opportunity that came to an abrupt end with a thrown shoe. Ouch.
The good:
– New office space! With a huge table and a big window and enough space that I can keep all my writing projects plus the theatre company documents there without feeling squished. And the cats heartily approve.
– A very successful interview and a call-back for tomorrow. Crossed fingers for a welcoming, pleasant place to work!
– Iguanas being dealt with right, left and centre.
– Someone went out of their way to help me by implementing a perfectly simple solution. Thank you!
– Midsummer house cleaning.
– Major progress on posters and web design. Awarding many sparkle points to myself for stretching out and playing with ideas without the expectation of a certain outcome.
And that’s it. Happy weekend all!
Oh, Friday! Oh, Havi Bell! What a wonderful sound!
This week, it had goods!
+Hello, new system of Keeping Track! New evidence for the monsters of “you never do anything” – both for and against. And how Keeping Track of things makes those things just happen, magically. Yay!
+Overcoming the fears! The new things are posted! Repeat: The new things are posted!!! Eek and excitement! This has mattered to me so very much that it ran itself right into the mud for months, and now it has happened!
+Overcoming the big fear, or getting close to it, means that some of the smaller fears just got out of the way as well, peer-pressure/crowd-think style. So I got to talk to more people and start doing the works I also meant to do awhile ago.
+Ambiguous glee sparkles about … that thing I don’t want to jinx by talking about! Too explicitly. But I still want to talk about it! Ambiguously: there are 3 possible options, where before last night there was one option shadow. Real-izing a possible will probably happen through interviews, and through whatever quirk of… abilities… interviews and I turn out well. Hoppity hope-ity whee! (not talking about jobs. Am talking about paradise!)
+Painting!
+The meditation of magic!
+Magical magical evening yoga. Bodybuzz.
+Learning new programs on the computer. Instant learning-feedback buzz.
Hards?
-still lots of stuck-time. Waiting-time. Is-this-the-right-time?-naw-time.
-I yelled. Boo-whimper-sad. Yelling to establish sovereignty… at least I’m trying? Anger has energy I’m not comfortable with.
-the conversation that would have been sweet and caring – if we could have cut out the first part where we were working on getting to the sweet and caring. Hard.
-Rally re-adjustment. Things can be rough in the world!
Hooray to the week! Hooray to everyone!
Hard: a couple of limp-noodle days of heat and no energy, resulting in neglect of important responsibility.
Good: I took care of the neglected duty this morning. (I need a new system for this.)
Waking up happy, with a smile, every morning this week.
Recognized a pattern that I interrupted, which contributes to the happy-awakening. The interruption, not the pattern.
Coffee with friends, photo-sharing/vacation memories with friends, hanging out with my sister.
A friend who is from Mexico wants to have regular lunch with me to practice Spanish because she is losing hers.
Sending well-wishes to all, and celebratory cheers for the good.
Friday! Again!
Yaying for Havi Bell, and gwishes for Kathleen’s pooch to come home.
The hard:
So freaking tired from Mon-Thu. Just utterly zonked.
Realising I’d somewhat fubarred something up in a stressed-out state last week.
The good:
A magical gift of money means that I am going to my graduation in September, plus spending 3 days in Cornwall, plus spending a day in Glastonbury. Then found out one of my oldest friends has moved to Glastonbury so might see her, plus she’s extended me an open invite to visit her. Woots!
Was not mean to myself OR doom-mongering about the tired! This is perhaps the first time ever. I am still slightly shocked about this.
I recorded a new visualisation to give to people. Yay!
Kitty snuggles.
This week has been SO much quieter than last. Thank God.
Drinks with my friend.
The I did it party. I love writing yaying things on people’s statuses. 😀
People being general good eggs.
JOurneying for people. Still my new favourite thing.
Loving gwishes for the week ahead!
Hard:
* Avalanches of ludicrous fear popcorn
* Olympics bringing out the ugly in some circles
* Feeling a big fat mehhhhh toward a draft I started a month ago. Hard because I’d spent significant time on it and been excited about getting back to it.
* Partner not feeling well
* Shoulder pain
Good:
* Olympics adding to the funny and exciting and sparkly and beautiful and inspiring in my world
* Getting work done and getting paid for it
* Shoulder’s back to rights
* Knowing more about what (not) to do next, and next time
* Partner making me laugh. And so does the doggie.
Shabbat shalom, y’all!
Lighting my candle with you.
¡Hola, chickeneers!
Crown as a verb. Liking that! Crown up. Crown it up. That’s what I’m-a do this week, me.
Finished an enormous project at day job on Friday. With approximately 450 seconds to spare. Now I passage to a new, very-much-reduced role there. I am BEYOND excited. I am content, relaxed and oh, like the buddhists say: gone, gone, gone beyond, gone wayyyyyyyyy the heck beyond.
Bye, stressful role! Buh-bye, role I never grew into but have nonetheless grown out of. I’m gone beyond.
Also this week I got much more ritual-y about a new ritual: having my latte in silence. No computer, no reading, no knitting: just a big bowl of espresso and homemade almond milk in quiet contemplation.
I have a persistent feeling that this ritual will add years to my lifespan.
Love this talk of Spanish practice, and high-volume Spanish. Throwing a gwish in the pot for my own Spanish. ¡Estoy diciendo!
LOVE to all!
Crown as a verb makes me think of giving birth, its what the head does just at the start. Sorry, random memories 🙂 or maybe a clew?
Havi Bell has a lovely ring to it. Sorry, collapses in stupid giggles 🙂
The hard
Paws – there was hard this week? Must have been.
#1 A big ugly monster chorus tried to make me believe they were right & I should give up everything.
#2 Feeling invisible in general.
#3 I had a shoe mix-up and spent a sleep deprived, confused night over it
#Helicopters and general Olympic related madness at night. I’m really noise sensitive.
#4 Tired after above.
#5 Sport everywhere here. No escape.
The Good
So much of it!
#1The monster colouring book, Havi in my head & the science collective confronted the monster chorus and they all ended up all sitting in a treehouse drinking carrot & ginger juice. (I know, strange!)
#2 Without the chorus I made mucho progress on stone skipping 🙂
#3 Flo (writer me) has stuck around and progress is continuing.
#4 Optimum operating temperatures and no crowds made London a much nicer place to be than it usually is in August.
Much love to all chickeneers (is it wrong that I added that word to my Firefox dictionary?)
<3 to all Chickeners and lurkers 🙂
The Hard:
– I did the thing that I don't want to name yet. I did it the week before, and this week I was waiting for all hell to break loose. And it didn't. But the waiting was exhausting and scary. Knowing that all hell could break loose, not just for me but for Bunny and for the Flowering Plants, that was scary. Not being perfectly in control was scary.
– Expecting a shoe (part of All Hell) that didn't come. But, in expecting it, basically throwing it at myself (if that makes any sense).
– Exhaustion and being completely unable to be around people for any reasonable length of time because of Socially Mandated Happiness that felt like too much to do.
– The exam for the course that I felt super alienated from.
– Stuff about something that comes up only when I'm super stressed about other things.
– Not caring about my poor tomato plants that are getting all shriveled up.
– Still making commitments (to hang out, to get work done) when what I really need is time off.
– The madness going on in our neighborhood. Feeling unsafe, *again*. Feeling worried about my friends who are also young women.
– Feeling like I don't have space to be sad. People are worried about me and it feels like I am responsible for their worry now too, instead of just being able to deal with my sadness. They're lovely people. I love them. But I just don't want them to be worried, because my sadness is normal/justified/etc.
– Not making it to the gym as many times as I would have liked.
The Good:
– Having friends walk me home without me asking.
– Having friends help me with studying for the exam.
– Getting a day off work to study for the exam without asking for it!
– Spending the weekend with a friend in a different city to help "get away" from things for a while.
– Cheese cake!
– All Hell not breaking loose.
– Feeling like I have a smidgen of clarity about a thing that is all up in the air.
Claiming Chicken Amnesty:
The Hard:
Another Match date that was not a match.
Friendship weirdness.
A Saturday night with no plans.
A bike/run brick workout that failed today due to delays, malfunctions and heat that made me feel pukey.
The dark and light that is my brain this week was especially dark and light. I do not know if this is what other people’s brains are like or if mine is broken. I think what used to be long low canyons that went on forever are now sharp steep fjords – scary and plummeting but quicker to let me back out into the calm sea to be lifted up again.
The Good:
A bad match date that ended well for both, I think.
Deciding that friendships based on gossip and back biting aren’t real friendships, and taking the steps to end the gossip and back biting (at least from me) by refusing to participate and seeing what still stands.
Naps. Glorious naps!
A Saturday night in! With cool air and maybe rose’ if I go get some.
A bike ride after 37 obstacles.
New bras!
The knowledge that whatever my brain does, I can handle.
Love the Crown as a Verb. I use it in my Golden Pentacle meditation: we are Crowned in our Sovereignty.
love to havi Bell and all chickenrs. This week was not really so bad:
-discouraged about lack of progress
-loack of ability to change patterns
-no ZFlailing in weeks! fail!
– regreesion time! 5 year old acting like a 3 year old, 11year old acting like a 6 year old.
-distinct lack of motivation at work. shame and worry.
-not putting the peices toegtehr. feeling like i just see the pieces and not the whole, like i’m not dreaming big
-sudden inexplicble STUCK on the book
-yanno, I have boycotted everything I’m supposed to since my folks refused to buy grapes in the 70s. i’ve eschewed leather, Nestle’s, diamonds, domino’s pizza, coors beer, and fur for philosophical reasons, but that Dave Cathy guy has broken my fucking heart. a;l i want for abreakfast is a goddamn frien chicken biscuit and now i cant have one because my fave chicken place is the Great Satan, and of course i wont patronize a compant that is so hateful but fer real, all i want is my fucking chicken biscuit twoce a week for breakfast and i cant have it and that just sucks goats.
the good:
-managed to hit a goal once this week
-manahged to move some stuff at work along, was happy to see myself pushing my self along with and staying foused without forcing msyelf to do so
-mor writing! happy to be writing. not wiritnas mucha si’d like, but still writing
-Lughnasadh! On the Full Moon! Jerry garcia’s birthday! all on the same day!
-managed to get some writing fro pay done
-truned down books for review, felt sovereign, carijg for myself and also sticking to a conscious decision about focus and productivity.
-started keeping an actual phyical journal for Art of embarking process with Operation Natasha. Suddenly lots of hits and sendings and pop culture clews feed into that. Journaling this intensively is really bringing stuff to the surface.
-and then suddenly there’s a lil push of movement in the right direction like
-suddenly doing a combined workut, with ballet, dance, yoga, [ilates and finishing with prana and THEN Flailing, and then shavasana.
-and then making a point of doing the above pratice. makign it a priority to put this 30-40 minutes in the day. i have seen msyelf he past few days making the OTHER chocie: wher i would say, I have an hour to do yoga or houseowkr, i would make an excuse and do hosuework. i am choosing to do the workout instead, and fiding i’m getting it all in, no interrruptions
-hitting a deper more present place every time i do yoga lately.
-omg i finally got Horizontal arms, legs and squares DOWN. so close to having Level one committed to body-memory. after my long hiatus from Flailing, it is so good to be doign it agian
-and without the DVD, just on my own in my room, no interruptons. bliss
-and loing the rituals that accompnay it. mmm, yummy pink Love Everlasting candle!
Oh, glad the doggie is back. Also, I think All Hell passed by me this week too.
The hard:
-Realization that B. is going to throw me under the bus.
-Suspicion that B. is also going to throw defenceless others under the bus.
-Swelling monster chorus that says if others go under the bus, it’s going to be like last time and last time WAS HELL.
-Really sad about all this. Bad stuff happening for people who don’t deserve it, and nothing I can really do to stop it.
The good:
-Boundaries, I haz them. And I set them with B. Who knows if he listened, but they are out there.
-Downloaded the shiva nata app (finally!) and started practice again.
-Seeing the moving wheels of the bus freed me, in a way, to look for something else. I have reached the limits of what I can do and my obligation can be finished.
-Book sale! 10 books for 12 dollars.
-Book gloating! I take the gold in book gloating, at least in my living room.
Have a good week Chicken team.