Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
What worked?
Trusting.
Someone I trust told me: “Your sparkle is strong today.”
It was a difficult day for me. I couldn’t feel the sparkle.
So I embarked on an adventure to strengthen it.
An adventure of trust.
Among the many things I learned: It is my perception that I am strengthening the sparkle. Reality is that the sparkle is there. The sparkle is plentiful and strong. It does not need strengthening.
So when I say that I am strengthening the sparkle, what I really mean is that I am strengthening my awareness of the sparkle, and my receptivity to seeing just how sparkly it is.
Getting sick.
Realizing that my life only works when I am full committed in all ways to blissful steadiness, and the practice of practicing.
It took being in a state where that was the only thing I could do in response, for me to remember that yes, that is in fact the only thing I want and need to do.
Asking for what I wanted.
Tea. Hugs. Spaciousness. Whispering. Play. Humming. More tea.
Next time I might…
Remember earlier that it is okay for me to want what I want. And that I have a much better chance of getting it if I give myself permission to want it.
The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).
- Exhaustion.
- The mystery of the Sore Throat and the Unsaid Things.
- The mystery of goodbyes leading to more goodbyes.
- The mystery of expectations.
- Soaking up everyone else’s fear and panic, first about taxes and then about terror. The downside of being a Highly Sensitive Person.
- Boston.
- Related: Stuff from then.
- Fear. Sadness. Doubt.
- Dreams about people who are gone, apologizing for [things done or not done].
- The mystery of Spring Fever, in all forms.
- Someone I love in the hospital.
- Nothing I can do that can help other than steadily radiating love.
- People wanting me to do things other than steadily radiating love, and I can’t do those things because they interfere with my ability to steadily radiate love.
- Related: The mystery of not everyone understands that silence is a gift.
- The mystery of what is this phlegmtasmagorical coughpocalypse and WHEN WILL IT END.
- Sometimes you don’t want the same thing as what someone else wants, and sometimes that is okay, but sometimes that is so very, very hard.
Things I found delightful.
- A marvelous adventure to Hood River with the Vicar. With a visit to the fish, a sacred pilgrimage to Double Mountain, and some fun roller derby.
- A bath in which my body told me a secret about healing.
- Company and sweetness on a hard day. Words on top of words. Spells and script.
- Safe rooms.
- Magical weather reports.
- Lilacs and tulips and lusciousness. Flowers everywhere.
- There are people who love me, who are warm and steady in their comfort, without trying to fix or make better. And I am the most fortunate person in the world to have them in my life.
- The robot of twelve, who is really the robot of twenty four. Thanks, Kyle.
- Whispered words.
- New superpowers.
- Postcards.
- Operation EDGELOVE and Operation FOUNTAIN. My heart overflows.
- Trust. Adoration. Love.
- Sometimes you want exactly what someone else wants, and you both want it in the same way and the same amount and together.
- Marisa is back.
- As a “woman of a certain age, etc etc”, I was thrilled to be referred to as an Obscenely Juicy Distraction this week. So. Um. Thank you. I am fine with that. Also: holy god, how is that not a band?
- That feeling of “okaaaaaaaaayy I hope this works!”. I love it. It feels reckless and stupid and “why it’s so crazy it just might work. What a thrill. I much prefer being a crazed genius to just a genius. Especially after a long time of not feeling the fun. It’s starting to feel like a grand adventure again, and that is a very good sign indeed.
The most extraordinary thing from this week!
My intention that flowers and silence would solve everything that needed solving.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed:
The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.
Operation More Internal Spring Cleaning and Oh Wait Even More Difficult Goodbyes.
Operation Tailor Taylor set into motion.
Operation E.D.G.E.L.O.V.E. is happening.
Operation FOUNTAIN: joyfully out into the world!
Wham boom! Wham boom!
Miracles.
The miracle of Holocene from two weeks ago, which is also the miracle of being willing to be wrong, which is also the miracle of holy-shit-look-at-those-seeds-I-planted-coming-to-life.
The miracle of tulips.
Superpowers.
Superpowers I had this week…
Turning Emergency into Emergence.
Channeling grounded blissful steadiness. Tasting first fruits and saying thank you in my heart.
And for next week…
More of the same, please. And delighting in it.
Proxy for the week.
Bond is recovering from a wound sustained during the latest adventure, holed up in a Swiss chalet.
In slow, steady training for the next mission. And in the meantime, much debriefing.
The Freudian Typo (or autocorrect) Award.
“I hope you are well-trousered…”
It was supposed to be well-rested, but “trousered” kind of works. Why yes, I *am* well-trousered. To be said with a British accent, of course.
Salve. Yours if you want it.
This week’s salve is the salve of peacefulness. It works in both active and passive forms, and is incredibly steadying. I used it all week.
Here is the secret name of this salve:
I Now Bring Peacefulness Into Every Corner Of My Life And Kingdom, And My Thoughts Bring Me Peace In Return.
To be applied generously in any and all situations.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band by way of Kyle.
Robot of 12.
Of course, as it turns out, it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
We have Rally dates for 2014….
Rally! (Rally!)
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
What worked? Resting my voice as much as I dared. Resting all of me as much as I dared.
Next time… I would like to do more [emptying and replenishing]. In fact, I wonder: what would it be like if I could let myself [empty and replenish], in some way, every time I feel that desire?
Mysterious and challenging: Performing in a concert while struggling to keep my voice. Wanting more energy for hanging out with my daughter in the mornings before school.
Delightful, delicious, and de-lovely: Dreaming of future possibilities. Getting henna-ed up. Doing my taxes, because even though it made me feel raw and vulnerable, it also made me feel fierce.
Superpowers! This week: The Pen of Transformation. Next week: More of the same, plus: My Every Move is Dancing!
Thank you for the salve of Peacefulness. It is so very welcome, and I promise to use it well. <3
Hello and cluck!!
Flower of the Day is: the Dandelions that are still there after 3 days of snow and supercold. party on.
what worked this week: Boxes for Puppies! Morning sit and being present for work. Permission to quit mapmaking, spending more evening time Princess Clingy. Amnesty about not getting it all in, and about not intgarting the new stuff yet.
next week: more Conducting, compases, treehouse time. Optmize bedtime dammit!
the suck:
-bestie snapping at me, me apologizing and then bestie sending another email full of MORE snapping.
-still having trouble accepting the amount of work everything is
-slack ont he writing
-Puppoy time, even in a box, is spilling over too much. this is a bad distraction when unbalanced.
-lack of sober, no attempts at it. sigh
-alwasy freaking tired. where is my sparkle, my passion, my desires? why do i feel like these are things from another country i havent visited? what the hell happened to me?
-having to tell oldest kid about the perfidies of her jailbird dad. shame, pain, etc
-can we all just please get along?
the sparkle:
-things being far better with the husband
-enjoying time with kids more, embracing it
-realizing that i did not want to take the latest part of Thorn’s class, and that decision is consistent with my desires to get the credit ard paid off, and trusting that when i feel truly juiced on the class, i’ll do it, but i’m not feeling the pull
-delighting in small things. my new sneakers, my lavender soap, the view from my bed now that the husband and i have switched places.
-taking back friday. i need to revue! what i want from Friday and how to get it. and i have a lovely long day with Spy Training and Lunch!
-feeling grateful all the freaking time.
Cluck cluck chicken peeps.
Things I resisted welcoming. But were there anyway.
– the sensation of THUD…ooowwwww that often follows woohooo wheeee! Even though this is normal and wouldn’t be ooowwww if only I had ACTUALLY expected and scheduled for it instead of just THINKING I had. Oh yay learning. *eye roll*
– the mystery of the mysteriously itching itches. Can we all say Toxic Load and Tipping Point? I am resisting welcoming this opportunity to look at my nutrition, gut health, bio balance etc and currently sticking with my old hypothesis of If I Ignore It It Will Go Away. Even though data suggests this rarely applies in relation to our body.
– lonesomeness and old ooooold stories/perceptions of reality that run deeply and pervasively through my experience of my life. Not Belonging And That’s Just The Way It Is. And even de-shaming doesn’t change this even though I thought it would. Laaaaayers!!!
– having my VPA answered by angels of destruction in the form of one year olds. Ack.
– I find single parenting tiring and challenging and daunting and frightening sometimes. I clam up and get defensive and reactive and shoutey as if my kids’ kid-ness is something that is Happening To Me rather than simply part of the epiphenomena of us living in this sort of proximity to each other, which is something I have chosen. Not entirely willingly, but still, my choices are relevant here and I’m still making them wear the fallout of my discomfort with sourcing the kind of support I need so they can be kids without me Making Shit About Me.
– so much tired. Even with sleep.
Hhmmmmhhmmmmmm. That’ll do.
Things I Welcomed With Ease And Delight
+ the substitution of the ghostly over-image when I look at Little Lad of the smaller, sicklier, non-verbal, more anxious, more introverted, more overwhelmed and intruded-upon-by-the-world little boy he might have been if I hadn’t done all the things I’ve done RIGHT with him, instead of the mythological thriving and robust child he might have been if only I hadn’t [mistake], [mistake], [error], [regret]. Still not completely present with just What Is, but this is a far easier and more pleasant alternative reality to be aware of not being in.
+ accountability wins. A Tiny Thing accountability buddy = a tiny thing every day for five days! Also some semblance of intentionality and choreography to my days rather than random reactivity (<–perception).
+ two new rolemodels in relation to [thing I aspire to].
+ I did a brave thing
+ lots of deep'n'meaningful/silly/fun/geeenius/parallel/heart-connection conversation with my dear friend who is not hibernating now.
+ love can transcend a lot of bullsheet. And even THAT MUCH bullsheet. And what is left can be easy and honest and not needing it to be anything more. With bonus luscious sweetness because that's important too. This is POSSIBLE.
+ I miss my friend who is still hibernating but I am using it as an exercise in the experience of the undiluted sweetness of desire rather than waaaah why like this making shit about me. She will come out of hibernation some day and we will have fun when she does and in the meantime I get to (me! I get to!!) love this desire and this unfulfilled space and this time of waiting and being receptive.
+ There Is Time sensation flickering in and out of vision. The No-Time! Gremlin Horde must be loosening their grip in my experience. (I must be making space around their cries of No Time! often and frequently and powerfully enough for their grip to loosen.)
+ I did some reflecting with scissors and paste and it was fun and interesting and informative. My Leonine taste for luxurious textures and quality is stronger than I realised, although the Virgo influence is apparent in my preferences for simplicity of line, pattern and form.
+ Dumpling weather is settling in. I will have to go dumpling hunting! Oh no! WHAT A SHAME!!! Lord knows I really don't enjoy dumpling hunts! Hahahaha. Llaaaarrgghhllll… duuuumplings……
xoxoxo
sending love to Havi, Kathleen, Leni, Claire, and everybody else and their chickens.
Teeny Tiny Chicken!
What worked? Dying my hair and painting my nails. Waiting, even when it looked like nothing was happening. conducting.
feet friday.
next time? more flowers. more entry. call the concierge!
my superpowers this week: survival, confidence, and going with the flow.
next week’s superpowers: readiness and congruence.
What worked?
Reaching out for help instead of staying silently suffering. It gave me perspective and nurturing.
Learning that standing up to someone is not worth it. Need to let go of ego position. I’ll put that in the book of me.
The book of me worked as well as I remembered that I feel more equipped to face the day after I am showered and dressed to the shoe-laces, as Fly lady prescribes.
Getting out socially helps.
Challenging things (keep remembering to see them mysteries, which helps.)
Finding various ways to outwit an every deepending seasonal funk. Light box should have been bought sooner. I now know I need at least 10,000 LUX.
Not knowing where I’m supposed to go but slowing down just for today and enjoying what is here.
Staying totally present in the moment – it is a worthy exercise.
Extreme solitude, which has it’s lessons
Getting buried in my books to be sold, but unburying at the same time.
Not doing any art – maybe it’s not time. But doing a lot of thinking about it and imagining, which is good.
My mother. I need to see her as someone else at times.
Things that were good and delightful:
Walks and photography in nature with my dog.
My relationship with my dog – just me a dog for weeks on end pretty much.
Deepening spirituality and ways to articulate that.
Not sure I mentioned this before, but I got a published and referenced scholarly mention in a book with a good sales rank still by a heavy hitter in the online gaming field. Instilled confidence that keeps growing. I can do something!
I am delighted I still have a good mind in spite of my brain not cooperating with life in general at times.
At nearing the end of my time here, that date I asked for almost whimsically somehow manifested in some close form.
I hijacked this date somehow. Someone I know but it gave great confidence and inspiration. Maybe I will stay here and live here…even if he’s not the one most likely.
That I’m getting through my ebay chore that’s been made longer due to the usual suspects.
The most extraordinary thing from this week:
The male date manifesting at last, when I was the least social I’ve ever been in a place.
Getting it more about consciousness, albeit after a bad fall into the pain body.
Superpowers –
Turning situational/feeling emergency into the realization that all comes and goes, it’s gone, and things are new again.
Remembering to keep going with the flow and trusting.
For next week:
Continue to stay present in the fullness of the moment and not worry.
Bringing awareness to the sparkle. Your posts always allow me to pause, and look at the world from a different perspective.
Hope you are enjoying the tea.
Peter in yunnan
Well, the chicken.
What worked:
Taking a deep breath.
Refraining from being strident.
Getting out of the rut.
The hard:
Bad news had everyone on edge this week.
Then on Thursday large portions of my local metro area flooded. Distracting!
Mr. Taz overworking and taking stress out on me.
No end in sight to any of The Stuff.
The good:
Realizing I don’t have Any Regrets re the past. I am proud of the work, even if it is all over now.
Overcame impulses re. fighting and tried to be kind, or at least not nasty.
Went to the breakfast seminar even though I was still pretty tired and wrung out, and had a nice time. Felt better.
Realized I miss gardening and photography. Need to get those back on my list.
Kitty WHISKERS!
Have a good week!
Sometimes you don’t want the same thing as what someone else wants, and sometimes that is okay, but sometimes that is so very, very hard.
TRUTH.
What worked?
* making a point of rereading NVC/compassionate communication notes before difficult interactions
* using my old sarong as my hat cover
Next time I might:
* make fewer but larger bets, both literally and figuratively
Some of the mysteries and challenges:
* not enough sleep
* fear of intruding/presuming/overstepping
* dread of difficult customers
* six rejections
Delights:
* wearing my wedding hat to the races
* my sweetie ranting his way through one of my “sleazy” fitness magazines. (Because some of the articles and many of the ads in it are perpetuating unhelpful stereotypes/hangups, and he was hilarious in his dissection of them
* friends cheering for the horses I’d bet on
* workload about to ease up for a bit, which will mean time to catch up with friends and get back on bike
WhamBOOM homework! WHAMboom pitch! WHAMBOOM returns!
Superpowah in da haus: ensuring that others were warm and fed.
Superpowah activate: the steady shaping of letters
Autocorrect: kept changing “soonest” to “sonnets”
Thank you for the salve, Havi, and for this space.
Bouquets of warm wishes to all y’all.
Cluck, cluck, Cluckaroo!
What worked?
I did a bit of finding common ground about a difficult conversation that needed to happen. And it worked – we agreed that no-one was asking for the impossible and the stuff in writing just needed to be clarified.
Stocking up on tasty beverages worked! I always had a cup of tea handy if I wanted one, and the option to stop at the cafe for something else if I didn’t.
Leaving gifts for Future-Me. Setting up the air filter in the room I wanted to be in later so that by the time I got there, I would have clean air. This helped the seasonal allergies enormously.
Deciding that fresh cut veggies are good enough for dinner, not just a snack.
Next time I might…
When I’m not going to be home in time to set up the air filter, I could call and ask the Mister if he would set it up for me. Then I can come home to comfort!
Mysterious and Challenging
Boston – my college town.
Project management and negotiation.
Overdoing something, and ending the week with an extroversion hangover.
Sparkly Delights
I got an awesome email!! I didn’t have anyone to share the sparkle with, but I got an awesome email with a thank you note in it. It felt so good to receive!
Breathing. Breathing is good.
Magical Powers
Last week, I asked for a surprise power… and I’m still guessing what it was. No idea.
Next week, I’d like a safety salve that smells like roses and reminds me that I don’t have to Please All The Peoples.
HARD
+feeling like i threw the towel in on cl:HEaT
+migraine. WHAT?! i don’t get migraines! what is this devilry??
+i am exhaustpipe
+[INTR! INTR! INTR!]
+locking my keys in my car. fuck that sucked!
+the days of foreboding, leading to
+the Crab Scare Net
+Can Crab Reset?
+Itch Holes
+Death of a Queen 🙁
+feeling extravagantly fingerpointed [at a meeting]
GOOD
+successfully completing my Music Theory class
+chickpealemono soup, yum!
+rehearsal was so good
+LMAC concert
+synergy with S over op:Spectral Illumination
+op: Why Did I Write That?
+Working From Home [on a project]
+GREAT BIG SEA!!!!!
THINGS THAT WORKED
+going to the concert instead of freaking out [i think formerself took over]
+shutting down shop [i’m actually not sure if this worked or how to determine whether it worked]
+compassing
+Journaling Always Works. JAW!
+food cart pile [hey, it worked, what can i say?]
+me-about-to-go-to-sleep writing love notes to me-the-next-morning
SUPERPOWERS I USED
+Superpower of Emergency Self Care
+Superpower of Rhythm
+Superpower of Force Field
+Superpower of Food
SUPERPOWERS I INVOKE
+Superpower of Radical Release
+Superpower of Cape Safety (this could also be a vacation spot!!)
+Superpower of The Right Words
+Superpower of Inviting Miracles