Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
What worked?
Proxies.
I had a wonderful dream. And then I woke up from the dream and felt very sad that the thing that happened in the dream could not actually happen in real life.
So I used it as my proxy, and pretended that I was doing it.
Very many interesting things transpired as a result, including what might be the best superpower of all time: finding shortcuts wherever I look!
Ten breaths.
Stop and breathe. Stop and breathe.
Wait, pause, stop and breathe. Paws!
Play. Of course.
Play is always the answer. Play always has the answer.
Next time I might…
Get back to play sooner. Catch myself when I’m being dogmatic about tools, and remember that the point of the tool is the playing, not the tool itself.
The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).
- The mystery of Sometimes Depletion is Part of Reality.
- The mystery of Sometimes People Want To Hold On Really Tightly.
- Saying a farewell that I didn’t want to say.
- The mystery of expectations.
- We had five people at Rally — a third of Rally — from Boston. They brought oceans of pain with them, including lots of other people’s pain. This was both useful and good, because we got a chance to test everything we play with at Rally in real time. The Playground is the ultimate experience in Shelter and Refuge, and it worked. But yeah, oceans of pain.
- I can’t [verb the verbs that need to be verbed] when I am sick.
- I hadn’t realized how much energy goes into doing [X] until I did it while not at capacity.
- Oh, hello Day 2. You showed up on Day 3!
- The mystery of The Pipedream Monsters. Aka the mobsters. Oh, they are the hardest..
- That thing I used to love so much that I still love so much still desperately needs to be renamed.
- Arguing with Incoming Me.
- The quieter I get, the stronger my sensitivity to anything that is not resonant with my internal hum. I warned everyone at Rally as usual about strong force fields going out into the world. After Rally ended, I stayed in the Playground for several hours: cleaning up and having a long sweet yoga. When I went downstairs, I opened the door TWO INCHES, and the world outside was too much. Retreat-retreat.
- How can I quit grad school if I don’t know what it is and I’m not actually in it? You see. This is a problem.
- All I want right now is to be outside in the sun, but all the things I need to do involve being near outlets.
- A shortcut is eluding me!
- I am ten different kind of toast.
Things I found delightful.
- Realization about why I am avoiding [all the things I’m avoiding]. It’s the Pipe Dream Mobsters. Monsters!
- The dream told me what I wanted. Now I know what I want!
- Planning the Ten Days Of Baths And Marveling.
- Miracles.
- Lady Bond is even more fun than Bond Girl. We wore all the best costumes too.
- Shortcuts. Now known as portalbridges.
- Ohmygod so many epiphanies from the things we did at Rally.
- Rally! (Rally!)
- Rally was amazing. So much appreciation, wonder and delight for the indescribable things that happen at Rally. I can talk about fun, the laughter, the sharing, the trust, the permission, the sweet companionship, the holiness of true play. But words don’t do it. Rally is magic. Lately I have been doubting so many things, and this was a strong clear YES THIS IS RIGHT to one thing that I do. Rally. My god. Thank you, past me for allowing Rally to come into the world.
- I have a co-conspirator and this is wonderful.
- On Wednesday I woke up healed: feeling like me again. Trusting. Steady. Grateful. Soaring heart.
- Picnics in the park with Marisa. Flowers, sunshine, smiles, comfort.
- Love. A heart full of love. Many different shades of love.
- The Rally compass was exactly the right compass. It had everything I needed. Adventures of appreciation! Trust the yes!
- I got to see Juno! And even though we didn’t really get to hang out, I got to hug her many, many times and glow at her from across the room.
- Labyrinth knows.
- Wisdom from playmate by way of an old video game: “Think of a locked door or a ferocious east not as a permanent obstacle, but merely a puzzle to be tackled.” Yes. I don’t tackle puzzles so much as flirt with them, but this was the right reminder at the right time.
- […]
- Much sparkling, glowing and wow.
- My pirate queen quarters are becoming a giant blanket fort.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed:
The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.
Operation Diamond Replica.
Deleting one thousand words!
Operation G.O.P.I.C.N.I.C.
Operation S.H.O.R.T.C.U.T.
Wham boom! Wham boom!
Miracles.
Milagrotag. April 22nd was a day of miracles, including one so astonishing and not-in-accordance-with-the-matrix that I don’t even know how to think about it.
A reprieve that I never would have expected or even asked for: a whole extra month to take care of something that I wasn’t ready for. Wow.
Also Lira gave me stripper dust, and this is going to come in handy for a future mission.
Superpowers.
Superpowers I had this week…
The superpower of shortcuts everywhere.
And for next week…
The shortcuts (portalbridges) glow so that I see them before they show up.
The Freudian Typo (or autocorrect) Award.
Monsters became mobsters! And Monday became Mobday!
This was the best.
Also I said “I comeback” instead of I come back. This was true. I comeback!
Salve. Yours if you want it.
This week’s salve is the salve of I Never Wait In Line For My Own Swing.
It contains beads of certainty, trust, truth and sovereignty. Knowing that everyone else has their own playground. Lovingly insisting that everything that doesn’t need to be in your space leave quickly and peacefully. Reclaiming your swing.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band recently played a duet with Garrison Keillor.
They’re called…
The Cheese Side Downs.
Their first album was Better Cream Cheese Than Blood, and they sing sweet ballads with many, many verses.
I was astonished to find out that it’s actually just one guy. Thank you, Richard.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Are you on the list? Because Plum Duff is happening very soon…
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Oh, Chicken, I love you! I’m also finding this week’s salve to be a heady and complex brew (for me) and I will enjoy discovering how it feels to be wearing this.
A thing that worked: Having red hair. No, I’m not entirely sure what that means, whether this message is coming from an Incoming Me or a secret Current Me, but giving myself the gift of decidedly red hair feels important, and it makes everything better and somehow easier.
Next time… I’d like to remember to do a quick, quiet re-entry when triggery things happen. Breathe. Force field. Pause. Stuff like that. I’d like to give myself absolutely sovereign permission to do this for myself (because the permission is a re-entry, all by itself! oh! right! YES!).
Challenging:
–The stuff that happened on Toozday afternoon, which prompted this week’s “next time I might” reflections.
–Oh, the Wizard is far away. We are missing each other. Plus, there’s stuff he needs to do for Operation Relocation, and he hasn’t done it yet, and I can’t make him do it. Sigh. Hard.
Delightful:
–Seeing a local high school production of Cats with my daughter, who had never seen it before. Joy, inspiration, bonding!
–Rallying on my own, playing the Home Game, while thinking of Flooper Rallions across the continent, and feeling that connection.
–Realizing that the road goes on forever, and the Rally never ends.
–Full Moon ritual in which I did a few simple things that had tremendous impact.
Superpowers! This week’s superpower: the power to release the hunger for control, without fear. This feels new and tender and as if it could become a salve of its own, so I’d like more of the same for next week, please.
Lighting lots of little candles this week, and dreaming of Plum Duff, among other things. Love to the Chickeneers everywhere!
HARD
+so much Shaking, not enough Moving
+anxiety about The Quest
+Crab Scare Net
+many things are open that I want to have closed!
+Duck of Oppression (or: BIG DOODOOPILE OF DOODOO)
+the thing where there was angry and it was messy and apologies and blurrgggh
+gross dreams
+too much Nooz
+doublebooking, oogh
GOOD
+Op: Chocolate Lasagna, WHAM BOOM!
+Picnic for Quest!
+QUEST!!! yaaaaaaaaaaay quest.
+the committee of nomnomnom!
+people being sweet and supportive
+postrehearsal PARTEEEEE
+FUCK YEAH
THINGS THAT WORKED
+lovenotes, keep doing that!
+journaling the shit out of shit
+Just One Notch
+releasing pain that Isn’t Mine
+Cape Safety! FUCK YEAH!
SUPERPOWERS I USED
+Superpower of Cape Safety!
+Superpower of Radical Release
+Superpower of Clever Walrus Underpants
+Superpower of Sleepsalot
SUPERPOWERS I INVOKE
+Superpower of Serenity
+Superpower of Wise Choices
+Superpower of Space Unicorn!
+Superpower of FUCK YEAH.
FAKE BAND OF THE WEEK
The Trumpeting Doulas!
Oo, I want to adopt this Havi-quote for physical-plane use!!!:
“Lovingly insisting that everything that doesn’t need to be in your space leave quickly and peacefully. Reclaiming your swing.” (BANISHING CLUTTER! YES! A BIT AT A TIME!) Thanks, Havi!
Oliver Danni, I am now very, very curious about Clever Walrus Underpants! I am wondering if it is the Walrus who lost hir bucket. Or the Walrus who ate oysters. Or a proxy-Walrus. Walrus–what a strange word. Walllllllruuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhsssssss.
Why hello there, chicken!
Ahhh. Ahahahaha. Is Rally ever anything other than un-sum-up-able?
Challenging things:
-Surprise Not-HSP Outsider Syndrome
-Falling apart with bicoastal grief at 1am
-Mattress that did NOT get along with my back, like at all
-[inconvenient body things]
Amazing wonderful fabulous things:
–THIS PURPLE SHINY MONSTER HAT
-Dayenu-like appreciation
-Starting sentences with “me and this sharkbanana”
-Meeting (or re-meeting) the most amazing glowing wonderful funny wise Rallions
-Feeling my shine strong and steady and radiant
-Persimmon and legitimacy
-The moon
-Watching a swordfight while eating pie with a big spoon
-A tiny blue clay heart
-Stars on the ceiling, like that dream except not stressful
-Yoga nidra
-Tangles turned into labyrinths
Superpowers I apparently have now:
-Turning monsters into baby goats (who say “behhhh”!)
-Giving my grief to the moon
Superpowers I want:
-Coalescence
-UNDIVIDED HEART.
Humming the Hum for Rally, for Boston, for monsters-becoming-baby-goats (I love that.).
The Mysterious:
• All-day headache, coupled with physical labor and loud noises I couldn’t escape.
• Other people’s pain. In sudden, surprise blasts.
• Phone-call dread. So, so much dread, with a side salad of tossed guilt & anger.
• One accidental zombie day, one accidental hijacked day.
• Unfinished projects: still lurking/looming, with accompanying monsters.
• Sprained ankle a bit. Ow.
• Oh, hello, semi-crippling Fear of Heights. I kind of forgot about you. Wish I could say it was nice hanging out with you for an hour…
The Delightful:
• Toozday was Beach Day! With real beaches, even. And real, actual, non-proxy Island Time! And extra bonus healing doses of flowers and snowy mountains. Holy cow, I had no idea I needed that so much.
• A perfect moment of time on Beach Day where I sat on a wooden bench, in the sun, in one of those perfect tiny towns where people are lovely, nibbling an ice cream cone and looking out to sea and the cliffs/mountains/sailboats beyond. I was smiling the whole time. A man walked by, saw me, grinned, and said, “Boy, it really doesn’t get any better than this, does it?” I wholeheartedly agreed, and we glowed at each other.
• Many new drawings. Can’t wait to contribute them to my Tiny Sweet Thing! This is good.
• Hijacked Headache Day ended with a damn fine meal on a sunny evening with a wide open window and a perfect spring breeze. The feeling of contentment was heady.
• Fear of Heights may have accompanied me, but it didn’t stop me in my tracks.
• I spent a lot of time worrying about finding the right way to ask my desired Person In Question about helping me out with my Tiny Sweet Thing. And then, Person in Question contacted *me* about helping him with *his* Tiny Sweet Thing—then a trade-a-roo and a smiling moment of Mutual Excitement and Exciting Possibilities happened. It was the perfect example of Right Timing, if I ever saw one.
• Recreational Brahms (is it just one guy?) happened. And I rocked it. Didn’t know I had that in me!
Superpowers I’d like to invoke:
• It will be far easier than you think.
• The finished product matches the idea in my head.
Sending silent good wishes. And loving baby goats.
The Hard:
Saying and writing all the wrong things.
Feeling unskilled and behind everyone.
Not knowing how to get it. Feeling like I should know, and everyone else knows.
Trusting that there will be replenishment, that this is not the end.
The Good:
Remembering to be quiet and stop typing. After this.
Remembering to keep my eyes on my own paper. And work on my own paper.
A meeting with the right person at the right time, and saying the right things.
Keeping options open.
Referrals! And yeses! And possible clients!
Words that are flowing out and coming together.
Shutting off the internets today, and keeping energy contained.
Clucking in…
What worked: devising a new formula for [b]. That sweet, sweet sensation of solving a puzzle.
Next time? Laptop + sunshine are not compatible. A flashcard-making playday is suggesting itself…
Also, taking more time to read labels more thoroughly.
Challenges: A bout of status envy. Intellect and emotions not in sync. Burned/gutted thises and thats.
And, newly sad about how any spectacular sports achievement these days now generates speculation about doping.
Delights: Unexpected invitations. Flirty candy. A massage.
A surprise: being handed a book about flowers as I was leaving a garden.
Sending warm wishes and outlandish bouquets to all who wants ’em.
Look at that, a chicken.
Next time I might: remember to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
The hard:
So tired.
Midnight phone call from Mr. Taz’s office that resulted in no sleep and rage, plus next-day zombie plodding.
Not being able to make the numbers add up.
Construction in my office means loud noises and being very pent up.
Feeling crushed by failing infrastructure, real and virtual.
The good:
True story: long ago I was climbing stairs in an old and nearly completely dark theater in Olympia, WA. I missed a step and started to fall backwards when out of the darkness, a hand grabbed me and pulled me back. I never saw whose hand it was. This week felt kind of like that: help, from out of nowhere.
Making plans for when school is out this summer. I will garden! I will photograph! I will make improvements to our place!
Superpowers of the week:
Untie-er of Knots. Was able to think my way around a knotty problem instead of being thrown into despair.
Chatter of Chats. Was able to walk into a reception full of strangers and have an OK time. I listen until I find someone with something interesting to say. Bonus: “Are you going to breakdance?” is a better icebreaker than I thought.
Have a good week!
Hard:
> All the pain, all* the time (*this is a monster number)
> Puppy being needful, and naughty, and nosy and not-listening.
> Shoes being thrown. Not at me, but in my direction.
> The dishwasher is broken,
> I hate meditation. There I said it.
> The big scary thing I’ve been dreading is now happening for real, and sooner than I thought it would.
> Future repercussions from the big scary thing, like losing a week’s paycheque and travel and phone calls.
> Work is piling task after task on my head, and I am feeling system-less. Even my name tag is incorrect right now.
> A dog I worked with and really liked was given away by his people. I am feeling upset and responsible, even though I know it isn’t my fault.
> The book I was so excited to read was a complete disappointment.
> My coworker held her birthday dinner tonight and invited everyone except me.
Good:
> Yoga is working!! Pain is now slowly subsiding!! The villagers rejoice!
> My back is fixed.
> On a relative scale, puppy is better than she was two months ago, so slow, invisible progress.
> Having a date and time for the scary thing is a relief because it will happen and then it will be over.
> The dog ended up in what will ultimately be a better home for him, so that story will have a happy ending after all.
> L and I had a lovely lunch together today.
Superpowers I Had:
> The power of Just Breathe.
> The power of Not My stuff.
Superpowers I am invoking:
> Superpower of Agility and Strength (internal and external use)
> Superpower of One Thing At A Time.