Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
My god, Friday. Where have you been all week?
And why are you so beautiful? I have needed this.
This week, as is often the case, the hard and the good are all intertwined.
What worked?
Centerpiece.
The thing I loved during my time at the Vicarage was two long slow sweet hours of yoga every afternoon in my hotel room, looking out at the water. I never get time like that at home. I never take time like that at home.
I decided that this week, I would make my physical practice the centerpiece of each day, instead of the thing I try to squeeze in between all the other things. Time to breathe and be body, time to be present in the home that is me. This is where I live.
Not the thing I’ll get to if there’s time. The CENTERPIECE.
It required starting my day thinking “when do I get to descend to the floor?” as my first and most important question. It required letting go of so many other things. It required talking to all the time gremlins.
It wasn’t always a long period of time. But it was sweet and slow, full of play, presence and aliveness. In the garden, in my bedroom, on the floor at Stompopolis. Filling the world and my world with adoration. This worked. Centerpiece.
Emptying.
The answer to every single thing that came up this week was empty more.
Empty more.
Next time I might…
Empty more.
Let go let go let go.
Emptying and replenishing. The emptying part is important. Empty to receive. Empty to make room to receive. Empty to know that there will be more. That’s what I’m working with.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Emptying. Oh dear god so much emptying.
- The Sweet Reconfiguring.
- Letting go of the thing I thought I’d never let go of: goodbyes are sad.
- The number zero.
- I just want to sleep.
- The one year anniversary of a deep internal knowing that I hadn’t wanted to hear.
- A thing I have never considered (and do not want) came up as a possibility, and I had to recognize that I would make a different choice in this situation than the one I thought I would make.
- There are people who do not understand.
- Oh, identity stuff. Blah.
- Someone I love is in their stuff about my silence (but it’s not really about that, of course), and there is nothing I can do about it except love and love more.
- Transition back from Vicarage is so very hard. I miss the way time works at the Vicarage.
- Restrictions and limitations on time. Or: perceived restrictions and limitations on everything.
- Hahahahahahaha I know what I want and it terrifies me.
- Surrender. Let go. Let go some more. I’m getting better at this (because of all the ************* practice this year!), but oh it can be hard to be with the broken pots, never mind to smile at them.
The good, reassuring and delights.
- EMPTYING. Who knew? Emptying. This is right.
- The Sweet Reconfiguring. It is exactly what needed to be reconfigured and it is reconfiguring in the exact right way. This is right. This moment is right.
- Letting go of the thing I thought I’d never let go of: surrender and release. So freeing. I thought I’d never not-be-attached to it, but look: here we are. Not attached. Just loving what it was and what it may be again, not needing it to be a certain way. Liberation and sweetness, play and presence. I can do this.
- “I trust the ground.” <---- REPEAT-REPEAT.
- Homecomings. Many variations, all lovely.
- I drank like a mermaid! This marvelous phrase courtesy of my playmate in the forest.
- Treehouse time.
- Naps as Portalbridges to whatever I need.
- I am the ally of this bus. I am a reverberating bell.
- Heat and more heat.
- Long, slow yoga in the garden. Kissing my ankles. Breathing earth. Hello, tiny slug.
- Did some [field configuring] and had a giant epiphany about a perfect, simple, elegant solution so obvious I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it before. Not only is it the best option, it’s really kind of the only option.
- I’ll meet you at the 9&9.
- Breathing trust and steadiness.
- There are people who understand!!!
- There are people who support the thing that I want, and do not say that it is ridiculous or impossible.
- Another pot breaks, I smile at the broken pot, and I hear the sound effects of the video game. Jingling coins and rainbow whooshes. I am getting better at this level of Smiling At The Broken Pots, Goodbye Everything Leaving My Life. I can feel my brain changing.
- I was deeply vulnerable and spoke a secret heart-truth, and it was okay.
- This week I made taking care of myself the centerpiece of my day, not something I squeeze in at the edges. That was new and crazy and perfect.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of being conscious and loving with time, and how I make choices about time.
This is a NEW ONE.
And also the superpower of letting things leave without grasping. Just for seconds, here and there, but I felt it and my heart was warm.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of pausing to breathe before I am in distress.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of secretly knowing what to let go of, and how it can peacefully slide away. It is a shedding salve. It smells like comfort and feels like softness.
I expected it to be exfoliating but it’s pure moisture. It takes care of you. And then while you sleep, the things that need to leave find their way out of your system.
Molecules reconfigure. New majestic glowing boundaries are the result of this salve. I recommend it.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band by way of Richard. They’re called:
Belligerent Catfish
They’re a loud messy bluegrass-cajun combo, and they’ll have you dancing all night with their raucous ways.
Which is weird, because as it turns out, it’s somehow actually just one guy. Get the album: Knife Made Of Butter.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
A number of years ago, some super biggified internet person announced she was pulling down a bunch of products.
I thought this was the stupidest thing I’d ever heard. They’re ebooks and mp3s. They don’t take up shelf space. Why?!
But now I realize it’s about harmoniousness and congruence. Emptying in order to replenish. It’s letting go of all the (beautiful, valuable, sweet, important) things that are not coming with you on the next voyage, because in order to get to the next place, you need to begin differently.
So. The Sail of Emptying. We’re dropping five products from the online store. They’re available for the next week or so, and then they’re gone.
I will explain more soon, and there’s also some information on the page. Apologies for the outdated copy on some of the pages, I didn’t update because, well, because this is what is leaving.
There’s some really fantastic material here, and I personally love love love the Taos ebook. Anyway, my sail of Emptying. Enjoy enjoy.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
The hard:
– Feeling depressed. It’s been hanging around for about a month now. Very hard. Makes me feel like moving through treacle, like all I can do is sleep. I’ve been sleeping almost 12 hours a day lately, not including naps. So many naps.
– Knowing I won’t be able to talk to a psychiatrist for at least a couple of months. Therapist reckons I’ve got undiagnosed ADD. All of a sudden I’m noticing my distractability and inability to pay attention and until now, I just dealt with it. Now it feels unbearable. I never knew it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Somehow, I could deal with it until I found that out.
– Dropping two subjects means I’ll still be able to graduate, but will probably look bad when I apply to the uni I want to get into. Yup.
The good:
– Talking to my mother this week, she was a lot more understanding and approachable than I thought she’d be.
– Had to call round places for the last week re: mental health stuff. I used to hate phones. Now I’m so used to having to chase up people I’ve gotten used to them and don’t mind calling now.
– The disability person at my college got back to me and she’s brilliant. She’s always on top of things and goes out of her way to make sure I’m okay, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that.
– I have therapy on Monday. Thank god.
—-
First chicken I’ve ever done, that felt good. Thanks Havi. And have a good weekend.
Cluck, cluck, hello Dusty! This is probably something like the hundred and twenty first chicken I’ve done, I’ve found there is a mysteriously compelling comfort in this ritual for me. <3
<3 havi <3
CLUCK
Hard, mysterious (ugh, how is this right I have no idea it is very bleeping mysterious to me right now), challenging things that I didn’t want to welcome but were there anyway.
– not everyone experiences [things] the way I do or have or would expect to. HUH???
– not knowing what is mine and what I’ve picked up from outside my own genuine experience. Not knowing how to clear it out, let it go, empty it. (Or, you know, avoiding trying the things that usually work which are pretty bog standard work for almost everyone almost all the time). (If I’m honest).
– I’m back on bear time after a nearly two year hiatus, and now that I know it’s called bear time and it’s sacred and I should honour it I feel a bit conflicted about my resistance to it. Resisting my resistance. As usual.
– I still have plenty of susceptibility to my non-conscious, non-deliberate burn noticing strategies. Which renders them much less valuable except as an ‘oh-right-this-STILL-doesn’t-really-work-that-well-STILL-huh-fancy-that’ data point in the grand experiment.
– some parts of my life it is hard (challenging/ mysterious) to figure out how to make allowances for bear time. So there was tiredness etc and still All The Things. Which (ooh, noticing!) triggers the non-conscious burn-noticing patterns.
– my current calendar system of trying to remember everything in my head and ad-hoc entries into three different calendars STILL doesn’t work that well. STILL. Fancy that.
Moving on!!!!
Things I welcomed with ease and delight. Wheeee!
+ great phone meeting with my dragon tamers!! My relationship with my money-dragon is changing from one of fear, avoidance and shame to one wherein he is becoming the guardian of my treasure house! Obviously the best possible new job for this particular monster. I have treasure piles, with little bits of gold being stashed away regularly! AND the dragon is being fed and not getting shitty with me and pissed off and scary to approach. He’s quite tame when he’s not hungry. Yay!
+ I went out to lunch with a couple of friends!! Not an imaginary lunch online, a REAL lunch with FOOD and PEOPLE IN THE SAME ROOM, nay on the same TABLE as me!!!!!! Spending some time with IRL people, it’s still good after all this time. Yay.
+ Frank, my imaginary big sister. She is a good listener and gives good advice. Also she is funny. I like her a lot.
+ Still listening to my audiobooks and podcasts. Man, living in 2011 is so cool! Like skype, this stuff is the FUTURE!
+ OT group for Little Lad is helping us both become more conscious of how we manage our panicosauruses. (Panicasauri?) And modelling how to handle the rising emotions has actually helped me not shout so much this week. Autism therapy for me!! Apparently I need it just as much as he does! Funny. Also less shouting is good for all of us.
+ ermagad Wonderbaby is kicking my arse. She is hilarious. And loud. And determined. Go her. So proud. (Donations of ice-packs for my butt are being accepted).
+ last but not least the biggest epiphany of my life (possibly) just landed about forty minutes ago and my whole life direction possibly shifted. Certainly how I FEEL while heading in whatever direction I’m going might have shifted. In a good way, a very liberating, freeing, EMPTYING way. No doubt this idea has been fomenting for a couple of years or so, and experiences have been getting lacquered on layer by layer to support it, but today was the day that it bubbled up to the surface and blew my mind juuuuuust a leetle bit.
+ friends. I have so many wonderful friends. Including some IN REAL LIFE!!
Yay. xoxoxoxoxoxo
Thank you for the salve, Havi. It is absolutely the perfect thing for me right now.
Hello, Friday Chicken! I was so eager for you, this week, I started taking notes at a little past midnight.
What worked?
–Playing with new routines.
–Telling myself good stories about myself.
Next time I might… when making a promise, say something like, “I will do my best to make this happen,” instead of “I will absolutely, without fail, make sure this happens.” Because, you know, situations change, and unforeseen circumstances arise, and that’s no reason to beat myself up — or to invite anyone else to do it for me. (Wow. This is kind of significant.)
Hard stuff:
–We got baby chicks this week, and one of them died in the first few days. I was the one who discovered it had died. That was really quite upsetting.
–A brief money scare. Turned out to be a false alarm, thank goodness, but upsetting while it lasted.
–Frustration over an important project being stalled, and over my limited power to do anything about it.
Good stuff:
–Baby chicks! They are cute and curious, and I think they’re just what the Samurai needs right now.
–Cozy, pleasant family times.
–I have actually been making a lot of small but significant shifts lately, getting marvelous results, feeling energized, and having my efforts noticed and appreciated by others!
Superpowers:
–This week: going with the flow.
–Next week: embracing pleasure. Mmmmm, yes…
Thank you for this space, Havi. And for the salve. (Sighing over the stickiness of things about to be shed. And things already shed, for that matter.)
What worked? Holding off on [c] and [y]. Going ahead with [g]. Seeing the smallness and largeness of my stuff, and of other people’s stuff.
Next time I might: put more napkins in the glovebox. Some speck or drop of something stung my left eye while I was driving yesterday, and that was unpleasant.
Hard, challenging, mysterious…
* Nightmares. I’ve got it, subconscious. There is really no need to have my dead parents berate me during REM.
* Waiting for answers
* Wrestling with waiting
Good, reassuring, delightful…
* Getting paid for my poetry
* New gig
* Wow. Boy Scouts did the right thing. I am happily surprised.
* Inhaling the scents of honeysuckle and magnolia during an evening motorcycle ride
Superpowah in da haus: delegating chores to Future Me and Invisible Minions. Even though they don’t do things the way I would or when I would. ^_~
Superpowahs, activate! taming the tangles. recognizing what should be left alone.
Warm wishes. Fresh flowers. Shabbat shalom.
Cluk cluk and welcome Dusty!
This week i really broke down. broke down = where i want to be – where i am.
-an insanely insane project at work was like a fire breaking out. lots of good came from this, but wow, cray-cray.
-and ould have been better if i had been more diligent withX
-the emotional wallpaper with me is: the sad and the grieving. i do not expect it to be otherwise. Now when i chek in the many selves, they are all in their sepaarte rooms crying. When i got back from the funeral in Miami they were all screaming. this is grief. i do not expect it to disappear overnite. nor do i expect it to be mediterranean every day.
-oldest daughter’s grief is a reason/excuse/trigger for all sorts of lame bullshit with her homework, culimating in me screaming when asked for a picture of the cat at 6AM. very negative pattern here.
-crying fits bfeore work, then after.
-Insomnia, for the WIN!
-hectic in my face workproject being in my face
and everything held an answer to itself, it just took me getting quiet enugh to hear:
-work crisis is a good time to shine, sez husband. in this bullshit my diligence and team player-ness was there. i left it all on the playing field this week, and discovered a new ally and a refined process.
-i took a ste bak towards best Practices, and the return of melatonin at bed time helped.
-Divine Guidance is available, and in al momnets of intense stress it was very vocal and present
-school si almost up. the pressure backs off a bit. i found some new ideas for helping kids organize themselves, they both still need suport.
-managing to go train once a week.
-a desire to get back on the mat. why do i alwasy abandon it?
-the center peace.
What worked: Realizing that my time is just that, mine. I’m slowly learning that the schedule I have for getting back to people and checking in on things, it really only exists in my head. I can still do yoga and exercise on days where I sleep ‘too late’.
Next time, I might: Start my day job stuff earlier. I have been putting it off until the last of the day and it doesn’t really work for me. I like having the ease of having the ‘work’ done already. I’m pretty sure this is more about my time being mine.
The hard, challenging and mysterious:
* The client who no longer pays attention to anything ever. I end up redoing things repeatedly because he no longer asks all the questions of his clients to start with.
* Thinking about marketing and coming up with ideas only to have no idea what they were once I sit down to work on them.
* The feeling of ‘Everything is a Mess’ It’s here often, recently.
The good, reassuring and delights.
* Finding out I can work on the layout of the new site even while the tech details get worked on.
* Love Letters! Writing them for The World Needs More Love Letters, that is.
* June’s Essence is Strength. So happy to see this one come through. I already got started on the manufacture files and should have the pendants up for presale to members of Oh Shiny! on Monday.
Superpowers: Kindness, Pause, Play
Salve: Thank you.
I love the Belligerent Catfish! Dancing all night to their unique sound is one of my favorite things.
Thank you for the salve; it is just what I need. I’ve been trying to exfoliate and this sounds a lot more comfortable.
It’s interesting that you use the word Centerpiece; that word came to me during my processing recently as a very important thing for me to remember and do.
What worked:
Processing. Digging deeper. Processing some more.
Facing what I don’t want to face.
Taking action, and taking action in the direction of taking action.
Calling different versions of me to the front of the V. Using their superpowers.
Next week:
Talking Truth to Fear. (I wish I had read that earlier this week or earlier today. But: all timing is right timing.)
The White Triangle.
The badge of the Order of the Golden-Hearted Bear.
Hard:
Scary things happening with MrB.
Having to be the grown up, especially about [silent retreat].
Not letting myself do creative things. Sometimes I think I will do [hard thing] and then do art, but then I don’t do [hard thing] so I can’t do art. Sometimes I think I will do art and then [hard thing] and then I don’t do art because I will then have to do [hard thing]. Hello, pattern. Linking a thing I want to do with a thing I don’t want to do does not serve me.
Good:
My classes. They are my “anxiety-free zone”.
People who care.
Housework. Even with the Butler’s help, there is still plenty to do, and improving my space is calming and productive and sometimes helps me “warm up” to doing things I’m resisting or wind down for a rest period.
Waving hi to the lurkers and the chickeneers.
@Dusty, sending good wishes to you. Mental health stuff can be such a drag.
And a shedding salve. Mmmm.
The Hard:
Everything is impermanent.
And too much out of the house going places this weekend. Even though they are places I want to go.
The Good:
Saying yes to the second mountain (not a proxy) and making friends with strangers and seeing the sunrise and having the trail to myself on the way down.
Remembering what I want to do. And only doing that.
Clients!! And money!! Oh beyond happy at this. And the phone keeps ringing.
The amazing Call Ruby receptionists that answer my phone now. The lovely girls who are all the way in Portland but caring for my clients here. And now I don’t have to hear the actual desk phone ring, I just see the picture light up on my iPhone and I can email them and say “hold my calls!”
My cat! Remember when I got her and she hid for weeks? She sleeps under the covers now. >*-*<
And nice cool weather, even though it is summer almost.
Hello, hello!
Such a crazy week. I am a bit speechless. Keystrokeless. Whatever! I just wish to say: I LOVE THE TAOS EBOOK too. It is one of the best treats I’ve had all year.
xo to you Havi, for offering it. Looking forward to the next Y.E.A.R. installment in the same way.
ch-ch-ch-ch-Chicken!
Happy Dance
-Left work a bit early on Friday – brain was just soooo tired. It worked way hard last week. and the happy? it was ok. ok to say to the gig – I left it all on the field.
-7.5 count ’em 7.5 hours of yard/garden work and everything is looking so nice. Weeds tamed, flowers blooming, more cantaloupes finally poking through, lots of little corn soldiers, looks like a strawberry abbondanza is about to happen.
-day off tomorrow & time w/BFF.
Awk!
-7.5 count ’em 7.5 hours of back breaking yard work. ouch.
-Needing more rest. Noticing this frequent pattern.
-Emptying – possessions stuff, physical stuff, people stuff, stuff-stuff. stuff is hard.
Next week I’ll try to
– Bump up the lunch protein
-Organize the gig projects better, so that the gear-switching isn’t so draining
– Get a landscaper quote to take out more of the front & side lawns & replace it with drought-tolerant, low-maintenance plants
Chicken Amnesty la-la-la! (There is a dance that goes with this. The Amnesty Dance.)
Oh the week, what a week.
The Hard:
– Overwhelm and overflow. Tears, tears, tears. So much anger.
– I was in charge of a fair, and it was my job to make sure everything went ok, and everyone had a good time. But after a while I decided that I didn’t want that anymore; I wanted to pack my bags and travel on. But I worry about the fair. Who will look after the ponies? Who will make sure people find the first aid station if they need it? What if the carnival breaks down? I have a hard time believing there will be someone else who can look after the fair as well as I did.
– I went to yoga class and it did. not. help. I was upset about the not-helping, and upset about being upset about the not-helping.
– Something good happened, and someone else threw shoes instead of celebrating with me.
– Fear of change. Fear of new things. Fear of failure. Hello, monsters.
– Guests in my house leaving dishes and mess, despite being asked not to do this.
– New roles, new responsibilities means the relationship ninja is called for.
– Cat panicked and clawed my hand to shreds. Ow.
– Email iguana avoidance.
The good:
– The fair is no longer my responsibility! Whee! Freedom!
– Within in a day of deciding to leave the fair, someone offered me an opportunity I’ve been wanting for ages! Synchronicity!
– The puppy continues to grow up, and become a little better behaved.
– New challenges to sink my teeth into, new projects and fun people to do them with!
– Leaving the fair means I will have spaciousness and time and freedom to do the things I need to do, at my own pace.
– Someone needs something badly and I am now in a position to offer it.
– Niki got his first bath, sort of (It was more of a wash-cloth rub-down)
– My blog post got some attention online, and people said nice things about it. Squee!
– Yoga class on Monday was excellent.
TTFN 🙂