Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
That was supposed to be “let’s do this, baby” but “let’s dot this baby” is funnier. Though so is “Let’s dot this, baby”. Either one, really.
What worked?
Heinzelmännchen Wrecking Crew!
It’s ….me, and it’s also Just One Guy.
There were things that needed doing, and I didn’t want to do them.
And some of them were painful, because they were connected to a grand and beautiful vision that did not work out. I talked to Slightly Future Me about this, and she said I needed Heinzelmännchen.
Which was brilliant. I can be my own Heinzelmännchen!
Asking Incoming Me.
You know what else she said?
“Honey, you will feel so much better when this is done. And yes, it was a beautiful vision. Maybe some day something else happens with that vision. But what you’re working on now is the qualities behind the vision.
The vision was just a form. All forms change, reconfigure.
“But the qualities: your commitment to living quietly and mindfully and lovingly, being a radiant resonant bell. THAT is still the essence. So screw the form. Destroy and rebuild. Just like in the [thing that has also reconfigured].. Release your attachment to the form, because both attachment and form are causing pain. Let the right form come in for right now. Let’s tear shit apart. Come on!”
That was just what I needed to hear.
Next time I might…
Remember this.
If I need to have a highly emotionally fraught meeting the day before my period, maybe a good plan would be not wearing eye makeup?
JUST A THOUGHT.
Blubbering Raccoon-Eyed CEO, while a decent contender for our Fake Band Of The Week, is not really a flattering look.
At least, not for me. I like to think that I pulled it off, because: extenuating circumstances. And also, everyone else at the meeting was also in grief due to a variety of crappy life circumstances, so they weren’t judging me or anything. Still.
Listen to my uncle.
My infinitely wise uncle Svevo, also known as my favorite person in the entire world, said the following a few years ago: “I’ve found that it can be a lovely thing to give people an opportunity to be generous.”
I really like this, and oh man I also have so much trouble with it.
And to be honest, I still disagree with him, at least regarding the specific people he was referring to at the time, since I have more information than he does about their nonexistent ability to separate giving from strings.
However, I want to get better at this, in general. This was my challenge this week, allowing people to be generous, and also recognizing that the gift is not just the act of generosity itself. There is also the gift of allowing it, letting it in, letting someone be kind. Hard stuff.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Tripping. Both literally, and also like this.
- It’s an expensive habit, this shrinking thing. I like my costumes! Shhh, it’s clothing. I want them to fit.
- Still worn out from last week.
- Worked straight through the entire weekend. Swore, again, that it wouldn’t happen again. Emergencies. Etc.
- Oooooof, technology. I relied on you and ignored other evidence, and that was a mistake.
- Monsters in steady negotiations, which was hugely useful, but not fun while it was happening.
- People driving while on the phone. Terrifying incident that was nearly a huge car accident, and then about six different people nearly ran me over this week. I am a paranoid pedestrian, and that saved my life each time. Oh, my heart.
- Big interactions with DREAD. The meeting. The dentist.
- The mystery of Wow It Is So Very Difficult For Me To Enjoy Or Even Rest Into Accomplishment, as I immediately focus on what is Yet To Be Done.
- Playmate was being funny about how hard I have been working on this, and it was hilarious but also too close to true: “That makes me picture you punching into the saddest job at the saddest factory ever. Like a crying factory. They manufacture sads. You’re a sads factory! Long, long shifts makin’ sads. Inspecting sads, making sure they’re super sad quality sads.” YEP THAT’S ME.
- The mattress.
- Too much sitting.
- Agent Aldrich told me this wonderful thing that she heard: “You are not the roadblock’s lawyer”. Ahahahah. I think I have been doing way too much pro bono work for the roadblocks. Defending the things that aren’t working.
- These miracles are amazing, and: I need something on a larger scale.
- The dream I had where I had to plan and organize a sit-down dinner for Britney Spears. Because I’m an events coordinator!
The good, reassuring and delights.
- The BUTTMONSTER ALPHABET CAROUSEL mission is live! All that work, and it is here!
- Miracles. Many, many, many miracles.
- Operation Radiate Smiles aka [dentist] went really, really well. Nothing but good news. Plus: Heated massage chair. Also, they love silent retreat. Turns out they don’t like asking you those questions anymore than we like not-being-able-to-answer-them.
- Insanely productive. I don’t ever want to work hours like this again, but there was zoom and flow.
- Spend every day at my favorite cafe until it closed. Goodbye, sweet monkey.
- The meeting went better than I could have possibly imagined, despite (or: including?) the fact that I cried through the entire thing.
- Kindness. Love. Support. Sweetness.
- The people who are coming to the Alphabet Carousel are people I adore. This is going to be EVEN MORE FUN than I’d imagined.
- Having expectations blown away.
- My weird and mysterious wine allergy (not actually talking about wine) disappeared magically, and now I might even be crazier about wine (still not wine) than before.
- Undoing old patterns and replacing them with better ones.
- The Floop! I love the Floop.
- Everything is going to be okay.
- Sometimes things turn out better than expected.
- Stickers! Thanks, Magda!
- Drinks and catching up with Noah, my cousin, who is the best.
- Long, slow yoga in the park.
- Monsieur LeBlanc made sure I was well-fed when it was mission-critical.
- I made a hard decision, and acted on it. ALL THE SPARKLEPOINTS FOR ME.
- I get a small time off (aka time inward) in September.
- Substituesfau! The Vicar and I are the funniest.
- The Fountain.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
I had it accidentally, and it is the one I want now and forever.
We were prepping for the meeting, and H said, “My ideal situation is X, which would be amazing, but who knows, maybe she’ll propose something even better.”
And I thought: HUH. I want the superpower of thinking that. About everything.
I’d really like it to go this way, but who knows, I’m also receptive to an even better solution.
And then it happened.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of giving people the opportunity to be generous.
The superpower of remembering that there could be an even better solution, and being open to it.
The superpower of being able to enjoy accomplishment, instead of just seeing how much more there is left to do.
These all might be related.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of Or Maybe Something Even Better.
Receptive and present.
This salve opens up tight places with such complete gentleness that there is no tension and no resistance. It is a soft dissolving and then a reconfiguring of space. Like a magic touch. You feel supported and loved.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
Infinite Booty Shakes
Thanks, Chloe. I can dance all night when they’re playing.
Though of course… it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
You guys! The Alphabet Carousel is here! It glows with love and features buttmonsters gleefully riding letters of the alphabet, because that is exactly what Rally feels like.
The page tells you all about the new way we are doing Rallies, a one-time experiment for this coming year, as well as the date of the Very Last Ever Havi-Verbed Rally.
During First Sail Days (which is NOW), you can get entrance to all the new rallies for about the price of just one. There is a raffle and prizes. First 12 people who sign up get a special Rally care package.
(We’re close to 12 but say you came from the chicken and I will count you anyway.)
HERE IS THE PAGE: https://fluentself.com//alphabetabutt
The password: whee
That’s the sound that a buttmonster makes while riding on a C! Please make joyful happy sounds with me about this finally being ready!
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Hooray! The new space and joyful announcements here have really made me smile!! Love to Havi and all the chcickeners.
what helped this week: Refusing to be miserable about the kids being home and all that hard. relaxinf into hanging out, not directing as much, letting things go but also playing out specific chores.
also excellent well tending. yea me.
next time: moRE movement. I miss it.
the hards:
-bedtime and the transtions to back2school
-realizing i need a whole Alamanac page in book of me re: August: “dearest, August is already TOO full just cuz. VEerythign takes many peices and lots of time. DO NOT add anythign else.
-having to pass on burlesque class (again! pout!) and rEalizng there is no freaking way i ca do Thorn’s class. blag
-bonehead mistake on one of the Founder’s lil tasks. sigh.
-so. much. work. to do.
-slacking ont he writing. grrr
-Plumbing Doom on saturday nite–horrible! Husband’s asshat ebhavior related to same–everything was worse. this was the worst encounter we’ve had in months.
-related feeling i cannot rely on him in an emergency
-dreaded phone call with ex re: vsisitation. silent retreat on this
-have not been to train in 3 weeks.
the sparkle:
-kept my cool and got my kids on track for the next months, getting thru the insane amount of AdminsiTRivia and errands etc
-got brithday party for child planned.
-enjoying friday off !
-my article was bought by [the outlet i wanted to buy it]. getting a feature in this pub was a 2013 goal, and the work itself is BEAUTIFUL. yea me
-enjoying an inspired the design and other changes over here. sending love to all involved in this transition
-hollyhocks!
-eating good food, all the time
-which is also healthier food, more veggies etc
-dealt with Plumber Doom with ease and good outcomes. Wha-boom.
-had a productiev week at work. i got a good Map of this rangy territory, and i have been beter able to deal with the landscape. Operation Light in the Tunnel!
-enjoying the last gorgeous days pf summer vaction
-excitement over new things stirring.
“You’re a sads factory!”
That’s me too! That’s so, so me!!!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m momentarily unable to produce any kind of chicken due to having to manufacture a high sad quality sad.
Thank you for the salve. I can really use some.
Just a quick chicken:
Agent W was laid up this week, so the things he was going to help me with didn’t get done. Agent G had a conflict so ditto.
New class on Thursday was shiny and sparkly and I’m going to love it. I bought a new resource to use for the class — and also for myself!
I spent the morning in my favorite cafe! It’s been too long. There I connected with several people I have not seen in a while. Yay!
I hung out with BB on Tuesday, yay! And with KC today.
I have had for several years three boxes of Stuff That Isn’t Mine, that I was Archiving because I am a responsible person and there are Important Records that are Going To Be Needed. Today I was able to get them out of my house finally! They are on the way to the person who is assuming responsibility for the stuff. One of my VPAs for this week was movement: moving things around and out. Three boxes OUT!
The Hard:
-Neck pain
-Neck is not just hurting, it’s also very stiff/tense
-Having [experience] be different than I had wanted
-Little to no progress with [thing that I really want to heal]
-Missing multiple rendevous-es
-Dreamed about ex again
-The monsters are very loud, and I feel like I am playing dodgeball, running and ducking to avoid getting smacked in the face
-Feeling like I’m not quite ready for [x] but putting myself out there anyway, and then someone [not throwing a shoe but it felt like a shoe hit me].
-Too many things need doing, and listing the lists sometimes helps and sometimes overwhelms me.
-[super un-sovereign situation]
The Good:
+Peacock colors
+secret missions
+sweet farewells and easy transition to new job
+surrendering, allowing myself to be held
+Tumblr
+Being unplugged
+Wednesday’s Accidental Outfit (just one guy?)
+Naps and sleeping in
+Leveling up in my internal video game
+Beautiful bracelet was gifted to me
+Started watching Game of Thrones
+More practice being hedonistic
+Amazing weekend vacation I’m currently on
+Classes and learning, under my own terms and in my own time
+Plenty of things to look forward to in the near future
Cluck cluck cluck!
Hard things of the week included….
– Ongoing Mystery of the Missing Textbooks and accompanying Freaking Out A Little Bit and monsterdoom
– Filters of perception. Mine, theirs, you know, blaaaaghh
– Being brave and standing in my truth and encouraging compassion and understanding with enough tact to make it easy for the other persons to see themselves as frustrated instead of evil
– Academic research journal searching. I am not good at this yet and my monsters have the usual yawnworthy crap about this and what it all means and quack quack quack quack.
– Gold management. It is a skill I am still developing and quack quack quack
– Witnessing self-judgement by others and thinking how ‘bad’ it is and ahahahahaha maybe I should BE the change
– Kids are still learning the skills of sharing and cooperation and gentleness and age-appropriate play and ohmygodthenagging
Good things of the week included….
+ I am succeeding at sourcing the quality of WelcomeBelonging in my life!
+ Birthday pleasure!
+ I love my study subjects. AND the textbooks turned up earlier than they said they would.
+ Being brave and standing in my truth and encouraging compassion and understanding with enough tact to make it easy for the other persons to see themselves as frustrated instead of evil. SUCCESS! (as far as I know)
+ Little Lad is thriving. Well, the Little-Lad version of thriving. Yay trucks!
+ Wonderbaby ohmygod. So lovely and hilarious and thriving in the Dictionary Definition of Thriving, ur-thriving! Someone else talked about feeling like they had ‘earned’ their easy child and that made me feel less ….some internalised motherhood judgement crap. Anyway, good for her, good for me. Yay trucks.
+ Distant yet definite stomping will be done by ME. YAY – spacious and delightful and a hundred times less doomy. Love great customer service.
+ focussed use of the floop is productive of the kind of experiences I hoped it would be productive for.
+ there is no telekinesis.
Love to all <3 <3 cluck <3
There is only one thing I want Chicken this week. Normally, I’m all into metaphors and proxies, but this week, I feel the need to quantify things with a Musical Number(s):
In the last 14 and 1/2 months, I’ve had 1 stroke, 18 specialist appointments, 22 days sick leave, 2 heart surgeries (but sadly, no partridge in a pear tree). This musical number also factors in the thousands of dollars I spent on transportation, food, and accommodation for getting to and from the hospitals; medications, decreased paycheques, and one totally burned dream.
This week, I went back for my 3 month surgical follow-up, and 5 IVs later (it fits the tune!) I’m in the clear. No more medication that makes me sick. I don’t have to go back to the hospital for an entire. year. I can stop flinching every time the phone rings. I have my life back. I can rebuild on the ashes.
I’m not sure there are enough Friday chicken celebration sparkles to match how incredible this feels, but here’s a start: ******* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*******
(They are also magical sparkles of support, so if you are in a place where attending a celebration party is the last thing you want, there is a pillow room where the sparkles are quiet and encouraging instead.)
My deepest gratitude to Havi and all you lovely commenter mice. Hanging out on this blog kept me sane this year, and helped me keep things in perspective.
Now, let’s bring in the cake!
Sarah — sparkles of joy!
Cake!
Thanks guys!
*happily flings more sparkles into the air in celebration of Sarah and cake*
What worked?
* finally remembering to try the side entrance
* sitting things out
Next time?
* right turn instead of left
* adding a layer over the part that doesn’t work (a beloved dress that no longer looks right above the waist)
Hard, annoying, and such:
* feeling lack of respect/compensation
* conflict among colleagues
* bugs not sufficiently baffled by Bug Baffler suit
* nipple coverage dictated by societal norms. I. Can’t. Even.
Good, delightful, and such:
* my hair matches my glasses. This was not intentional but it’s awesome.
* a perfect plate of fried calamari. a lovely glass of sparkling wine.
* some lovely messages, and some answers
* 20 Feet from Stardom. Terrific movie.
* substantial progress with the porch and yard
This week I had the superpower of walking away from some sugar sirens.
Next week I’d like the superpower of bringing together things that belong together. Such as: me and money owed to me. Ink and pencil to paper. Thread to fabric. Seeds to soil. Etc.
Warm wishes and lots of water (to sip and to splash in) to those who wants ’em.
Sarah, I am beaming at you, and will happily share cake!
Okay. Week. It’s been a week?
A thing that worked: Reminding myself that not only do I need to take responsibility for my own stuff, but I *can*. That last bit is tricky, but important.
Next time…I’d like to carve out some dedicated time for a few things I want to be doing more often. (Hint: 11 PM after all the other stuff is out of the way — not the best choice.)
A mysterious challenge: Money fears.
A reassuring delight: I baked an excellent loaf of bread this evening.
This week’s superpower: Quiet courage.
Next week’s superpower: I’d like to try the one from this month’s calendar page: the power of looking up at the right moment. (Corollary: Any time that I decide to look up will *be* the right moment.)
Cheers, Chickeneers. Happy weekend! I’m going to drop the rock for a while, and hold onto my Ease stone instead.
I totally forgot to even mention this huuuuuge thing that got taken care of this week! Maybe because I have spent so much time trying not to think about it before it got taken care of? Anyway, Project Overdue is DONE! That merits the biggest yays!
Heated massage chair at the dentist? Good Lord! I need a new dentist.
Well, I knew that, actually.
The superpower I would like: Not forgetting my belongings someplace it’ll take a long time to retrieve them from.
How I’m gonna get this superpower: I will give myself BIG ups every time I remember to check everything. I will appreciate every time I make it home with the stuff I left with. I think this is gonna work.
A Sunday Chicken.
The Hard & Mysterious – why I got all the way to the top of the mountain only to jump off a cliff and wind up at the bottom again, bruised and broken and staring at the path in disbelief that I can do it again. Why I spent 2 years getting “sober” only to think I was ok and that really I could handle mainlining heroin [a metaphor clearly] it would all be fine.
The Good:
Refrained. Remembered to refrain. 2 months too late, but remembered.
Maybe I’d gone up the wrong mountain and there is a different path down here.
Remembering to lean into the fear, to invite Mara for tea and to widen the lens.
Cheers, Chickeneers!
Loving the AlphaButt(monster) Carousel! Waving enthusiastically from not-so-far, sending flowers to all who can attend (wish I could, too!).
A drive-by Chicken, quicken:
MYSTERIOUS:
• The feeling of something looming.
• Monsters. Old ones.
• The parts that want to be invisible are screaming it. Sometimes literally.
• Sleeplessness and Ow.
• Tears.
• Knowing that I won’t be able to come and play at Rally next year. So much sadness there.
• Not enough time. Never enough time.
• Too much muchness. Overwhelm times elevenses.
• Whole buckets of things still undone.
DELIGHTFUL:
• Escape to Canada!
• Island time.
• Cosí cosí. Cozy cozy.
• Operation See, Otter: Sea Otter! (this is not a proxy!)
• Lots of sketching.
• Teatime done exactly right.
• Postscript deerleg!
• Cute Canadians that kept endearing themselves so effortlessly.
SUPERPOWERS I HAD:
• The superpower of Keep on Truckin’!
• The superpower of Dead-On Draftsmanship
SUPERPOWERS I’D LIKE NEXT:
• That of Follow-Through with Stamina
• That of Quick Mop-Up Completion
Also, I am so ridiculously open and receptive to this week’s Salve it’s kind of hilarious. So thank you for that.
Happy chicken, everyone!
The hard:
+ Amygdala Hijack of Tsunami-esque Proportions. Not once, but twice! Or, wait a minute, think it might have been THRICE. No fun no fun no fun no fun. AT ALL.
+ Oh hello monies. Are we done being difficult to each other yet?
+ Sleep patterns so stuck and so painful
+ Ongoing mystery of Blah Blah Blah. Some steps forward, some steps back, wheel-grinding, blahhhhh.
+ The Incredibly Curious Monster wearing the scariest cloak. I have no idea how to even start negotiating. So I’m not.
The Fabulous
+ New York outdoors DIY Rally with the greatest of the rallyscallions. We climbed trees. Sighhhh. No words.
+ You know, once I am in the flow, I am fucking unstoppable. I might, in fact, be a real live ninja.
+ I was in the flow SEVERAL times this week.
+ Being encouraged when I didn’t expect it.
+ I am a genius.
+ And lovely people think that I am lovely.
+ I blew bubbles for a good 30 minutes today and none of the grown-up world problems made any sense to me.
+ I wrote and wrote and wrote thanks to a massive stuck dissolving itself thanks to Surprise Agent K.
+ I think I can do this!
+ Sweet, sweet deep understanding.
I’m glad that Infinite Booty Shakes hit the spot and get to live on in fake band form.
The good
– swimming in the sea
– kittens with fluffy tails
– ooh, can we keep riding this wave?
– all sorts of things are happening. They are not my things but they seem to make the people whose things they are happy
– there is stuff to do at work again, oh thank goodness
– sitting on the back wall and watching the sea
The hard
– why is shouting at each other a family pastime?
– other people’s hard is so much harder than my hard, and yet my hard hurts so much
– it hurts so much and yet I would not be without it
– and the universe keeps thinking this is a Noel Coward farce while I am trying to play it as Lady Macbeth
– seeing other people’s patterns that used to be mine and not knowing how to fix them
– looking back – I asked for this
What worked
– Nothing is Wasted. I have been clinging on to Nothing is Wasted
– after all, we are all decent people
– enforced Seeing The Funny Side
– seeing the patterns and actually they are not my patterns any more
– I accept everything that has been given to me, because nothing is wasted
Superpower for this week, please
– I am who I am and I feel what I feel
Quality for this week, and forever
– Integrity
Havi! I have mirrored doors on my closet and I write on them with dry erase markers and one of the bigger writings is this:
“Remember to let love *in*. It is just as much about receiving as it is about giving. Let it IN. It’s important!”
I am not good at receiving. I am a giver, I am the strong one people turn to for support (or I used to be, anyway; things have changed a bit). I don’t know how to ask for what I need and I am uncomfortable with allowing people to love me in anything other than at a distance.
Resonance! Trust and love.
In my planner, I note “Fri Chicken” to remind myself to write this. It makes me salivate every time I read it.
What worked – Doing the phone call that caused me to find Havi’s site in the first place. Treating the customer service agent just like a monster – we’re on the same side, ask whether it is possible to help me and if so, what does she need to know, get the person’s name, show respect and appreciation, and if the transaction went well, share the appreciation with the person’s superior or on a survey. We are on a new phone plan now and will save a small chunk of money every month.
WHAM Boom!
Celebrating the good, taking The Dude out to dinner on our first month’s savings.
Appreciating without the “but now you have to do this thing…” thoughts. Hm, But(t) Monsters?
Next time I might…
Remember the WHAM Boom! high.
The hard – The news from Havi’s dimension caused a wet blanket to drop on my shiny gold Gwish #1 – to attend a Rally. There was grief in the green room and my former-monsters, now Crew, were very kind. Group hug.
Past Me had made a massage appointment for the evening I got the news, and being massaged was very helpful.
The “just is” – Noticing two patterns. Writing a letter to The Quest, which is a sentient life form. Thanks, Havi, for suggesting it. I had already written a couple of questions earlier this week. I will see if The Quest will answer now that we have opened communications.
The good – Three ProfOrg rubber chickens were hanging around until I read Havi’s post on the #1 thing that keeps you from making changes, and that enabled me to find out that the most dreaded rubber chicken was virtual, to do one (Confetti!) and to hit the one on an elastic band – I can’t finish it off until it snaps back to me.
I have figured out that I am Director of the [Silent Retreat] Iguana Sanctuary and this week’s focus is on the Iguana Release Program. So now, I identify iguanas that need to be kept in Sanctuary habitats (file folders, scanned etc.), ones that can be given away, pure-bred and exotic ones that can be sold, and ones that Are No Longer Extant, which are disposed of in a secure and ecologically-correct manner. A batch of Work iguana bones were disposed of.
Blue whales sighted on a whale watch cruise! The Dude got to yell, “Thar she blows!” And when one sounded, I yelled, “Show us your tail!” and it did!
Pvt. Grunt, an extra in a prisoner-of-war camp comedy TV show cleaned up the back yard. This proxy helps me to take breaks, stay hydrated and eat because the extra is not on set all the time.
I have noticed that I am much less anxious that I was before I started following you, Havi. I have not had an episode of “head-spinny eye-twitchy” (that never happened when a doctor was observing me) since then. I Do Not think it is A Coincidence.
A posy of bluebells and forget-me-nots to Havi for the airy new website. And to any other chickeneer who wants one.