Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
It is Friday.
I am not sure how, but it is.
So.
What worked?
Accidental This Is Good.
I was able to notice this week when things that seem “not good” ended up having positive effects.
That coding error I made on the site for [project] ended up doing a thing that looked really cool! So then I was able to have R incorporate that into the design after fixing the code.
Going in the “wrong” direction meant a neat discovery!
Like that. Similarly….
Working with What Is.
What if I’m not off my game when I think I’m off my game?
What if there is no such thing as being off my game, because if that’s how I’m playing (or that’s how I can play) right now, that IS the game!
This meant taking something I’ve worked on in my yoga practice for years (if I’m tired, cranky or low-energy, I adjust my practice to work with that) and making it real.
It was hugely challenging, and also: that’s the game.
This meant napping when I thought I should be working. This meant recovery time when all the monsters said NO-TIME-NO-TIME. This meant taking things slowly. But I wasn’t off my game. The game just changed.
Investigating.
I perceived a lot of things as AMBUSHES this week, and instead of getting sucked into wheel-grinding about “whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is everyone ambushing me?!”, I was able to pause and investigate.
I used the Floop (my Floating Playground community), and processed. Learned some things. Including that Am Bush is a funny word, and I am a bush.
I am a bush. I am an island.
Next time I might…
Ask for help sooner.
A lot of hard things this week.
They got better when I asked for help. I asked Agent W to meet me at the train station when I was still feeling shaky about Horrible Thing. I asked Agent Mueller to sit with me at the Playground.
More asking. And sooner.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Ambushes! And perceptions of ambushes.
- The worst meeting in the entire world.
- Being completely blindsided. Thinking the agenda was one thing and learning it was another.
- Terrifying incident of street harassment threw me deep into my stuff.
- A whole truckload of news I did not want.
- All the agents from all the agencies were hugely in their stuff this week.
- The almost-end of a relationship.
- The mystery of I Am Still Having Dreams About Quitting Grad School, even though I have never been in this situation and the last time I even remotely considered another degree was maybe ten years ago.
- Loss.
- Between the Agenda Ambush in the Worst Meeting Ever, the Street Harassment Ambush and the emotional ambush of everyone I love being in their stuff, I was not able to do any of the things I planned to do this week. None of the work, and none of the play.
- Tired. Sad. Still waiting for some good news.
- It is unbearably hot, and I do not have air conditioning, and everything is that much harder in the heat.
The good, reassuring and delights.
- The BUTTMONSTER ALPHABET CAROUSEL mission! Even though we had to extend First Sail Days because I was not able to do any of the things, I am really excited about this. And everyone who is coming is pretty much all my favorite people. This year is going to be amazing.
- Glamour.
- A beautiful gift from Monsieur LeBlanc of the Other Agency.
- It seemed like there was no compromise, no Third Way, because I have to have X or I get a little crazy, and the other person has to have Y or they get a little crazy. And X and Y cannot co-exist. But then we found a way for X and Y to temporarily co-exist! We invented a new form! Hooray for creativity, love and experimentation.
- Richard and I had the World’s Most Productive Meeting, which helped to rewrite some of the lingering effects of the World’s Most Horrible Meeting.
- Remembering that I am in the Sovereignty Industry, not the Care-Taking Industry.
- True friends.
- Filling Out Forms (shhh, it’s yoga) at the Playground.
- It’s like a honeymoon, only better.
- Untangling things that are stuck.
- Card from Leni! Thank you.
- An Agent prepared food for me for the week.
- I had moments where I could believe that this is all working out perfectly, even though I don’t know how.
- Body is happy.
- Spare room is painted and looks amazing!
- Tomatoes from the garden. Flowers everywhere.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
I had the superpower of Trusting My Instinct, and I had it in a really funny and perfect way.
I was yoga-nidra-ing in the park, and suddenly had the strongest feeling that I needed to flip over onto my belly.
Despite all kiwi injunctions to remain “still and immobile, like a statue”.
So I flip over, and a couple of seconds later there’s a shout, and a stray ball from the kickball game is flying STRAIGHT AT MY FACE.
I was able to bat it away with my hand, but if I were still on my back it would have hit me in the head. Hard.
It was a perfect real-life incident of “Suddenly Michael was struck by something he remembered from his childhood.” If you are not an Arrested Development fan, then you do not think this is the funniest thing ever, and I apologize. Trust me. It is the funniest thing.
Suddenly I was (almost) struck by something I remembered from my childhood.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of supreme focus.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of trusting your instinct.
This salve dissolves exernal rules (and internalized rules) about how things should look or how you are supposed to supposedly be doing them. It softens things up and quiets them down, so that you can feel what you need. You can turn right when you are pulled to turn right. And you can trust that there is no way to turn wrong. It is a trust salve, and trust salves are quiet and they sparkle.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
Luckily there is no shortage of Fake Bands Of The Week, since they seem to be everywhere. Should you, however, ever find yourself in need of one, go with nail polish colors. They are ALL fake bands!
I am especially enamored with (seriously, these are awful) OPI’s Holland series, featuring things like…
Did You ‘Ear About Van Gogh, Gouda Gouda Two Shoes, I Don’t Give A Rotterdam, Wooden Shoe Like To Know, Kiss Me On My Tulips, Thanks A Windmillion, Vampsterdam, and A Roll In The Hague.
RIGHT?! Yes.
Any one of those could be a) just one guy, and b) the opening act for this week’s band:
Old Yiddish Viking
Their latest album, OYVEY, is actually an acronym and stands for Old Yiddish Viking. Eh? Yech.
Their music is loud, raucous and surprisingly catchy.
Though of course… it’s actually just one guy.
Thanks to Richard, for inventing this one. Also for living it.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
You guys! The Alphabet Carousel is here!
This is not only the cheapest way to do Rallies, it is also the most fun.
We have extended First Sail Days, because I wasn’t able to do any of the things this week to tell people about them. So yay. You get to benefit from my week of Perceived Ambushes. And if you come to Rally, you will find yourself becoming someone who processes things and changes your relationship to them, which is the most useful life skill that I know of. Entrance to as many rallies as you can come to for about the price of just one. Plus a raffle and prizes.
Say you came from the chicken and I will count you as First Twelve.
HERE IS THE PAGE: https://fluentself.com//alphabetabutt
The password: whee
That’s the sound that a buttmonster makes while riding on a C! Which is also the cutest thing in the entire world.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
I am still remarkably unable to chicken. This week I’ll breathe seven breaths of loving remembering for the seven days that were and award myself a sparklepoint!
First breath. Friday, I don’t remember anything from you.
Second breath. Saturday, I insisted on packing everything myself. (This was a new and good choice.)
Third breath. Sunday, I came back to the city and discovered I hold no love for this city.
Fourth breath. Monday, I went to the beach.
Fifth breath. Tuesday, with the evening to myself and a lovely walk and some healing Flooping.
Sixth breath. Wednesday, I met with M and E and our special snowflake stuff got triggered.
Seventh breath. Thursday, my bike got stolen, I met a big internal wolf, my parents came over.
And an eighth breath of thank you, week-that-was.
Sparklepoints all around for all of us! And especially for the lovely eight breath practice of the week that was. I do eight breaths for SO MANY THINGS, I don’t know why it never occurred to me to do it for my week. Genius! And my your bike return to you or may the new thing that comes in be even better. <3
The Hard and Mysterious:
2 people saying “you are so wonderful, but it’s not quite the right fit.” That is the worst thing ever. Because you can’t even fix it by trying to become more wonderful, you simply have to go away.
Not knowing where the right fit is.
The Delights:
Remembering that I can pause, and not shout rhetorical questions but can instead wait to see what is beneath the rhetorical questions and just say those things instead.
Not having to go out tonight.
Knowing things don’t actually end.
My mother, who loaned me money when desperately needed and instead of putting a lecture in the letter put a Robert Frost poem about devotion.
–> My mother, who loaned me money when desperately needed and instead of putting a lecture in the letter put a Robert Frost poem about devotion.
This made me cry, in a good way. I wish that for everyone in the world, and I am feeling huge [relief?] to know that something like this exists in the world, it is so different from everything I know and have experienced. May it be so.
“This meant napping when I thought I should be working. This meant recovery time when all the monsters said NO-TIME-NO-TIME. This meant taking things slowly. But I wasn’t off my game. The game just changed.”
I was so there this week… and I stil haven’t recognized fully that the game changed. But I’m getting there. If I’ve learned anything from lurking here it’s to allow myself (and others) space to be and work things out.
The hard:
Staring at my failures, or perceived failures, and letting them be what they are.
Tired… so tired.
The good:
More than one person telling me this week that “Fortune favors the brave…” and finding a new mantra for stepping out and taking a risk.
Hearing, even if I’m not believing yet, that people admire the risk more than they judge the outcome.
Asa, I so hope the bike is found and returned to you soon!
Old Yiddish Viking! That does it. I need to heed the instinct of finding new work/dance boots. The kind that you can wear on a dock for nine hours and then go stomping around town to bars where fiddle-bows blaze and the cold beer goes down so well with the hot food.
Hard and aggravating and such:
* still getting used to my glasses
* traffic
* why are the tarragon leaves now that color?
* flood of 2010 flashbacks
* you know those monster zits that show up right in the middle of one’s face right before an appointment and are painful-tight and then messy and don’t really go away for a while? yeah, one of those.
* oh, Milos. Not cool. Not good.
Good and reassuring and such:
* planted some of the yarrow and hollyhock and primrose seeds
* it’s a sunny day!
* quality time with the dog
* lovely impromptu evening with friends
* picture books! especially Karla Kuskin’s The Philharmonic Gets Dressed
* discovering new-to-me performers like Yukon Blonde and Jeremy Fisher via the VancouverIsAwesome playlist streams
What worked?
* recognizing some clueless people as versions of Past Me. Which made it easier for kindness to prevail over exasperation.
* permission to choose efficiency over conservation: some things need to be binned outright instead of saved or forwarded (it’s really conservation, ultimately — of time and money and space over something-possibly-useful-to-someone-else-but-just-as-likely-to-get-binned-or-be-baggage-on-that-end-too)
What’s next? something with oil. maybe.
Warm wishes and brilliant bouquets to all who wants ’em.
This is so awesome! As always. But every week I am amazed/grateful/grinning/whee! that just reading your processing helps SO MUCH with my processing. So thank you for that. Sending you all the flowers.
I think I’m going to take a silent retreat on the mysteries and delights, and instead just mark the superpowers:
This week I had tiny doses of the superpower of Done and Done! And also the superpower of Blueberries are Delicious Tiny Proxies!
Next week I’d like the superpower of Aligned Ducks!
And I just have to share my own Fake Band of the Week, because it just makes me fall over in snorts when I think of it. I happened to glance at a religious pamphlet someone was holding (which is odd, because usually my Instinct Guardians steer me away from even noticing that stuff), and the one phrase I zeroed in on became both my band name AND the name of the 24-hour diner I’d like to open (or at least be a silent partner in):
Wonders in the Land of Ham
It’s a vegan diner that plays punkabilly on the jukebox. Oh, man. Okay, I have to go giggle for about an hour now.
Vampsterdam! That may be my favorite name for a nail polish shade ever. Also, now a part of my brain is contentedly crooning to itself: “Roll…roll…roll in the Hague…”
What worked?
–Deepening my friendship with sleep. Oh, sleep, you are a good friend!
Next time…
–I would really like to protect myself from interruptions, especially self-interruptions, during my morning pages.
Challenging:
–I miss the Floop. I’m beginning to set my sights on next year’s voyage. Is it possible? Can I give this to myself?
–I wish for more progress on Operation Relocation.
Delightful:
–My daughter is loving theater camp. In tonight’s performance, she is double-cast as one of the three witches from Macbeth and one of the Marx brothers (Chico).
–I sat down with my guitar and did a bit of song-catching. Some sparkly little fragments of lyric and melody came to rest on my harmonies for a brief spell. I want to do this more often, and see what grows.
This week’s superpower: Softening.
Next week’s superpower: Humming into action!
Hard:
-noticing cynical me
-too much food
-*still* stuck, even knowing how easy the mission is
Good:
-the perfect playlist, given to the right agents
-good food
-a meeting resulting decisions and priorities
-reminders of the August mission, paisley
-hugs!
-a day off, with both enjoyment and stuff checked off (fake shopping)
Superpower I had:
Connecting to people with humor.
Superpower I want:
Total fearless immersion like when jumping into a mountain lake. Cold at first but satisfying.
Oh, hello Friday!! Delighted, I’m sure.
The hard:
-Slipping back into old money patterns. Discovering I don’t have as much as I wanted to have for this trip… which I am doing anyway.
-Noticing that people paying attention to me is sooooo hard and kind of painful and scaring and that I wish I wasn’t where I am with my ability to receive attention and praise.
-Monday… starting off in a great mood and yet again picking up all the negative energy at “work” that was not mine.
-Airplanes. Made slightly less awful by the knowledge that I’m driving back and the glee I got from all the babies I was able to quiet using my favorite wacky energy technique.
-Finding out that a friend’s family decided to invade our weekend alone at the cabin. (Although I handled my stuff around it with surprising ease… but there is still some dread)
The Good:
-ZOMG! I’m HERE! In Idaho!
-And I go to Portal-land on Tuesday!
-And I get to road trip back and not fly!
-A beautiful moment of, “oh, so yeah, I’d like to have more money in the bank, but otherwise life is really freakin’ good right now.”
-People being moved by the talk I did at a story slam a few weeks ago. YWCA Portal-land sharing it on their website (!!!)
-I kind of like the attention.
-line dancing!
-Did I mention Idaho? There is a lake. And the sky is insanely beautiful. And it was cold at night.
-I happened to be here on the weekend of the Huckleberry festival. This is the only thing that happens in town, and it’s delightful-seeming.
-Sitting down in the airport with no internet and writing two blog posts and a museletter in less than two hours.
-Seeing my sign at the airport. Knowing I’m on the right road.
-Possibly a new client?
-The charity deciding not to do another event. Meaning I don’t have to make a hard decision.
-A great session with a coach friend resulting in a new thing
-This list is all over the place, but let me just summarize with: Life feels so good right now.
Love to all.
Week, oh week. Hello Friday. I did not expect to see you so soon.
One of the agents I have been in regular contact with turned out to be a double-agent, and actually not part of my team at all. I was really upset because I’d given them all these state secrets and coded messages and they went and did not-good things with them.
What worked?
Taking time to acknowledge how hurt and betrayed I felt, while also understanding that they didn’t mean to throw the shoe, they just got caught up their stuff. Because of this, I was able to walk away from the situation and move on down the river.
Next time I’ll try?
Trusting my gut sooner. I knew on a deeper level that they were a double-agent several weeks ago and didn’t act on that knowledge until it smacked me in the face.
Other Hard:
– Cleaning the house (because of guests coming, not because of “yah, tidy oop!”) and being in my stuff about not getting enough help
– Low energy
– Grinding wheels, grinding wheels…
– Lots of anxiety about guests coming this weekend who a have a history of not respecting boundaries and ignoring members of my household who request they stop doing things
– L is so far into her stuff I can’t reach her, and a new face showed up on Monday, which was worrisome.
The Good:
– Swimming with B and feeling strong and lean
– Fun times with dog
– Phone conversation with my sister who I haven’t spoken to in several months
– The house is clean!
– Enjoying being med-free and eating everything I want to eat
– Taking all my vitamins and feeling good
– Watched “Despicable Me” for the first time last night and laughed so hard I gave myself an asthma attack (the squid launcher! *whee!*) Looking forward to seeing the sequel maybe next week.
Happy weekend Chickeneers!
Cheers, Chickeneers!
The Hard:
-Obsessing about boys more than 16-year-olds who listen to Fallout Boy. Which I’m also listening to.
-Zone out vacation time was cut short. For a good thing, but it was still hard.
-Waking up in the mornings. Bleh
-The systems in my head have zero correlation with the things that I actually do on a daily basis. I have so much shame and drustration (typo but I’m gonna go with it) about this.
-The hoops. They aren’t easy for me to begin with, and I make them so much harder for myself sometimes.
-Realizing that I wasn’t as ok with [thing] as I thought I was. Or as ok with it as I told people I was, either.
-I am really fucking DONE with news. Also possibly American politics as a whole.
-Neck and shoulders hurt all the time. No, really. ALL the time.
The Good:
+Sampling so many ice cream flavors
+Started working at New Job, just training, but liking what I’m seeing, and LOVING the new pay rate
+Operation Swirling Thoughts has begun, and it’s something I both knew and didn’t know I needed!
+I have a sweet tiny thing, and I am excited and secretive and proud and terrified. Which I think is pretty normal.
+Best three-day vacation yet. So grateful that I get to be the person who has the kinds of 3-day vacations that I love to have, and I can do it with sweetness, honestly, pleasure, fun, sovereignty, and beauty. With a true friend, who likes me as I am, and who I connect with on a deep level.
+I listen to way too much cheesy pop-punk, and I kind of don’t care. ?My songs know what you did in the dark…?
+Beautiful bracelet
+The wonders of medicine (metaphorical and not)
+Returning to community
Well, it is no longer Friday. Hello, Saturday!
The week that was:
The hard:
Lots of things running off the battery, making me super tired.
New Boss (No. 8) e-mailing me lots of time consuming, can of worms questions, and then no response to my painstakingly constructed replies.
Feeling between a rock and a hard place.
Family visit imminent, and preparation takes a lot of time/energy.
The good:
Very positive interview this week. I felt once more like a worthwhile person who has ideas and who people listen to. Maybe I can be this person again someday on a permanent basis.
Family visit under way now, will be done on Monday. Things seem to be easier than I expect.
Good weather, no complaining.
Sorting, sorting, sorting. I will get to the bottom of it eventually.
Have a good weekend!