Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
A Saturday Chicken, because yesterday I ended up on a ranch four hours away, and that adventure changed my plans.
Which is what adventures do. It’s what adventures are good for, really.
So here we are. Time to reflect, with an extra day.
What worked?
Trusting my instincts.
I listened. And even when it didn’t really make sense, I went with it.
Eight breaths. Or sixteen.
This is something a fellow agent and I do all the time.
Eight breaths. Or sixteen.
I like to synchronize mine with the compass directions, or qualities that I am using in my personal compass.
Inhale NORTH. Exhale Trust. Like that.
We’ve been doing this together for nearly five months, and I’ve been practicing this since my Crossing the Line retreat in October, but this week it became my default response to everything.
And last week Åsa did an eight breath Chicken, which was perfect. So I am going to maybe play with eight breaths of hard and eight breaths of good this week too…
Next time I might…
Remember that the rules I have in place exist for a reason.
Maybe RULE is the wrong word, and maybe that’s what needs to change too.
I broke a bunch of absolutely absolutelies this week.
For example, scheduling multiple things in a day even though I know that two encounters with the world is my absolute limit.
Or not allowing time for napping, even though I need to rest.
It makes sense that I would break rules, because I HATE rules.
But these [love-filled principles] exist so that I can navigate [being alive] without falling apart. And they help me take care of Highly Sensitive Person me.
Eight breaths of hard, challenging and mysterious.
- For the first time in eight and a half years of running my own business, I woke up with morning dread. When you don’t like your work and don’t want to get out of bed. Not because of the part of my work that you guys see, because of a different part. Long meetings about things I do not care about at all. Deep breath for this.
- Getting to the eye doctor only to discover that my insurance no longer covers vision. A breath for this.
- The woman in line, about my age, talking to a friend. She said, “Ugh, I have so much lingerie, I don’t even know what to do with it.” I did not hit her but I really, really wanted to. I do not even know how to imagine this “problem”, but I’m pretty sure if I had it, I would be delighted. A breath for this.
- Someone lied to me, and they did not know that I had the same information that they had, and this was uncomfortable. A breath for this.
- Zombie days. A breath for this.
- On Zombie Days, edges are rough, everything is jangly. I am extra-sensitive. Music drives me crazy. I feel bleak and hopeless. Inhaling and exhaling for that.
- Mosquito bites that swelled to alarming sizes, and itching of an intensity I haven’t felt since I was a little kid. Deep breath for this too.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
- Commiseration really helps. Talking to Alon and Marisa and the Vicar made everything better. Sometimes all I need is for someone else to say, YES THIS SUCKS and OH SWEETIE and I WISH YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS. A deep breath for the wonderful thing that is commiseration.
- The dress. I wore a dress that I never wear because I think I don’t look good in grey, and also it is never the right weather for it. But suddenly it is the most amazing dress in the world, and I might need to wear it every day. A breath for how fun it is to be a slow-motion head-turning traffic-stopping vision for a day, and all just by changing costume.
- Substituesfau! Tea with the Vicar. It was marvelous. A breath for the just-right thing, and for friendship.
- The eye doctor and I found really fun ways to work with me being on silent retreat. We laughed through the entire appointment. And fell apart in hysterics when he saw a note had been added to my file saying that I’m hearing impaired. A breath for joy.
- Ticking things off! Agent Mueller and I got a billion trillion things done. Inhaling and exhaling the pleasure of accomplishment, and the wonderful thing that is working well in partnership.
- Variations In The Key Of X. A game I learned from Nick where you use one word as a KEY, and let other words cluster around it. A breath for the deliciousness of words, and for keys.
- A clew from Christina, who is a well (and a Wells). Inhaling the qualities of wells, exhaling trust in wells.
- Brunch with Sarah, talking about all the important and interesting things. We were fountaining, and it was important fountaining, and I am a fountain, and I really like Sarah. A breath for connection, ease, and sharing.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
I had the superpower of Believing Things Are Getting Better.
Not all the time, but more, and: enough.
As Richard and I like to say: “A toast! To not-that! And to things getting better, may it be so.”
May it be so.
And a superpower I want next week.
Relaxing Into _______________.
Relaxing into whatever needs to be relaxed into.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of relaxing into.
This salve softens everything that needs softening.
It’s like an infusion of eight breaths.
Things that used to seem hard, unpleasant or unfair instead seem interesting. You look for clews. You take a breath. You begin to adapt. Relaxing into.
It smells the tiniest bit like the taste of fresh berries.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is from Maine, and they are called:
The Forgetful Lights.
Which is funny, because I always call them The Lights Of Forgetting. Because I forget.
They are twangy and banjo-ey, and actually it turns out it’s just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
I’m going to announce something later in this week, and some people are going to say “Oh man, I am feeling so sad that I didn’t sign up during First Sail days”.
If that is you, remember the phrase Chandelier Amnesia. It is your secret code.
A breath for All Timing Is Right Timing. It will be okay.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Breathing deeply with you. (Also, “Chandelier Amnesia” has many delightful anagrams.)
For some reason I’m seeing John Cusack in Grosse Point Blank. “This is me, breathing.” And it makes me laugh.
Chandelier Amnesia!!!
I also really like Sarah. Yay for Sarah!
Saturday Shalom, y’all. With chicken…
What worked? Going to class. Sweeping the porch.
Next time? Bypass the gift shop I pass by every week. Future Me wants the money for other things. Present Me is keen on less stuff and more space. Yet Past Me continues to pout about not being allowed to buy fun things even though I’m finally old enough to have fun the way I want to. Mees, we’ve got some negotiating to do.
Eight breaths through the hard and icky:
1. Dead bird next to the laundry baskets. WTF?
2. A sense of an acquaintance reconnecting only because they want a favor. And the regret of having done the same to others. And the fear of being perceived anew as that kind of user.
3. Feeling an outsized gale of irritation toward a wave of well-meaning my-size-fits-you. And the regret of having inflicted that on others.
4. Angsting over how I could be right for [q] in two years, maybe, but how my bus isn’t even in the same county yet.
5. Seriously. Two kinds of bug repellent this morning and I still got chewed up.
6. Other people’s stuff wearing shoe costumes. Oy.
7. Playing hide-and-seek with iguanas. OY.
8. Dull tools, and not knowing a good solution-for-me for getting them sharpened. [Advice welcomed on this one.]
Eight breaths of delight and gratitude:
1. Sweet spouse and darling doggie and fabulous friends.
2. Mishkan Shalom‘s Elul posts. Good stuff.
3. Feeling OK about things that didn’t happen
4. Future Me making her way to the head of the V when I was feeling tugged toward the wrong bus queues.
5. More things planted. More boundaries marked.
6. As difficult as she can be to live with, Past Me meant well — and she saved some papers and pennies that may come in handy soon.
7. Dividing my mom’s cactus. Using her rice cooker. Using other things up.
8. The coffee I bought last month from Joe Van Gogh as a gift to myself during a difficult stretch. Taking the time to make it takes me to a good place — among other things, it reminds me of the barista who took such care to brew a good cup for me when I was there (without being snooty or precious about it, which has scared me away from other places I wanted to like).
This week I had the superpower of being given extra time without asking for it. That was unexpectedly awesome and I would like for it to stick around.
Next week I would like the superpower of dealing with bugs. Both the bitey kind and the M$Word kind. By “dealing” I mean something more graceful than my current whining and slapsticky slapping-at and the other things that haven’t really worked up to now.
Sharing my energy with those who would welcome it. Commiserations for the hard and icky stuff, and big, beautiful bouquets in celebration of the good. Warm wishes to you all.
I rarely do the chicken, but this week seems appropriate. A great many things come back to center, it feels like.
What worked:
This felt right. Family visited, and all of the right things were here.
Next time I might:
This next week brings a lot of possibilities with it. There’s new arrangements on the horizon, both short and long term. There’s new partnerships afoot, and I think I need to trust that we are both going to know if it is right.
Something that I have been circling around for 10. @%!%!%!@%#. years. is finally feeling like the right path. (Yes, grad school, but the good kind of ‘I have wanted this thing grad school and I’ll be taking the LSAT in October….)
I will need to think of a proxy for this but I feel the weather changing soon and opening up to this possibility. There may be other places that this leads, and what this brings is, well, christ! not easy – but it is. And there are other ways through this. This is not the end, now is not then, Rally is coming for me, and it is good.
I want to be able to hold steady as the seas change and the wind moves around me. I have asked for this wind and this sea change and it is everything I know how to be able to work with.
The Carousels are coming for me, in the best possible way.
There might have been hard. Ok.
There was a lot of good. It all looked the same. It looked like connection that I wasn’t willing to step into, but then when I did, it was good. It looked like love. I fell in love with a few things that I could have – with enough money and enough time.
I had the superpower of trusting that I was in the right place at the right time. I’d like this for the next week too.
Salve: The spirit of freedom without fear.
This salve takes a firm track towards a something and doesn’t have a monster attached to it that requires you to be scared of a cliff. What if you had a magical parachute? What then.
There is a ship out there called the Great Success. This has made quite a few weeks.
Cheers, Chickeneers!
Mmm. Let’s see.
This was the week of parenting like a champ. I get a medal and eight breaths!
Breath one of appreciation for Friday, when I got everyone where they needed.
Breath two of insight for Saturday, when I realized how my bike being stolen was actually perfect.
Breath three of power for Sunday, when I took the initiative.
Breath four of freedom for Monday, when I was gloriously alone.
Breath five of cleansing for Tuesday, when I was given a new bike and was soaked by the rain riding it home.
Breath six of balance for Wednesday, when a surprise change threw me for a loop.
Breath seven of stillnes for Thursday, when I got us packed and ready.
Breath eight of soothing reassurance: Åsas of this week, you were awesome, even if you don’t believe it, and even if you hadn’t been, things would be fine.
Hard/mysterious/challenging:
– I suffered for three days before realizing that I was doing it to myself, that I was stuck in a painful pattern.
– More occurrences of physical discomfort, and the possibility of the painful pattern repeating. Having to figure out if situation B is like situation A or if it is like situation C. Because A was the headache, and C had a perfect simple solution.
– A new person in my work life who is creating a need to hold firmly to my boundaries and to use extra force-fielding.
– The day of Too.Much.Noise.
– Finding things in my garage that I never saw before! A weed whacker and two small extension cords. Are they things that I just forgot about (scary)? Or did someone put them without me knowing (even scarier)?
– Sleep disruptions and needing more frequent naps and not being able to go to sleep at naptime.
– Headaches.
– I burned my bacon.
Good/fun/delightful:
+ A day of accomplishing — ticking things off!
+ New washing machine. I celebrated by doing some laundry.
+ New printer for MrB.
+ Two of my classes were extra-enjoyable this week.
+ The community college asked me to teach again in the spring.
+ Family.
+ The whole yard has been groomed, and that turned out to be a fractal flower for situation B, and maybe for the G-version of situation B.
+ The weather has been beautiful.
+ MrB is doing okay.
+ I asked for help with situation A and it looks like it will be forthcoming.
When I write in secret-agent code like this, I sometimes forget what these codes are for.
What Worked:
Yoga. And when I write My Book About Me, chapter 1 will be “yoga always works.” Always. Even when I turn upside down over and over and can’t stay that way for long, it still works.
What Didn’t Work:
Temporary respite. Chapter 2 will be “that never works.”
The Mysteriously Challenging:
The strange way things rush in and out, one day feeling full and glorious, and the next the tide rushes out and all that space is felt.
The strange drunk man who yelled at me last night and the sober in charge people who didn’t make him leave the bar until his girlfriend screamed at me and then my friend screamed at her and then I was so disturbed and shaken.
Guts are weird. All week wanting nothing but white things. And coffee, my heavenly morning ritual, seeming to betray me.
The Mysteriously Delightful:
A whole day of yoga. Playing with poses. Maybe the same today!
Remembering that now is not then, and that I can keep myself safe and don’t need someone else to.
It’s ok to just eat white stuff if that is what my belly wants.
Maybe a possibility.
Ah, thank you Havi for your SuperPowers, which I have been secretly sharing with you for the last few weeks! The Power of I Have Everything I Need for This Mission allowed me to overcome super-fatigue and go to trusted homeopath to find out what the truck is going on with my energy levels, and combined with Power of Trusting my Instinct I have now discovered I was mis-diagnosed a year ago. And have been being treated for the wrong thing! Hence super-fatigue. This week’s Super Power seems assured…. Eight breaths for Believing Things Are Getting Better!
love light happiness
Sarah
x
Hurrah! Superpowers are fractal-ing, and we all get all the powers. MARVELOUS.
What worked: Taking lots of little breaks. Floor time. Viking planner. Lots of time with myself.
What I want to do different this time: I’ve negotiated a one-week experiment of only doing 80%. Stickers for my planner. Morning begins at night, aka being the fairy godmother who sets everything up for morning-me.
8 Breaths of Hard:
-Lots of problems and almost-crises having the common theme of disorganization/clutter. Horriffic levels of shame about this, and Not Having It All Fixed Yet. Inhale, exhale.
-Imposter Syndrome at new job. Inhale, exhale.
-The weekly blend of neck/shoulder and ankle pain, with a fresh batch of Way More Walking Than I’m Used To. Inhale, exhale.
-Miscommunication through non communication. Inhale, exhale.
-Finding whole new piles of resistance. Inhale, exhale.
-Even after turning down a bunch of things, I’m still overbooking myself, and I have at least 3 ways I think I “should” be doing with my time, at least two of which are “MAKE ENOUGH MONEY ALREADY”, even though I have no idea how to do that right now. Inhale, exhale.
-Morning trampolines are not even close to being in place. Inhale, exhale.
-Internet at home has been slow all weekend for no apparent reason. Inhale, exhale.
8 Breaths of Good:
+doyogawithme.com. It’s the easiest entryway to actually doing yoga that I’ve found so far. A breath of reprieve.
+Even though I found myself in a lot of seemingly un-escapable situations, I found my way out of *all* of them. My fox in the video game might be invisible, or charmed so that I forget that it’s there. A breath of safety.
+Self Defense for Sensitives class. A breath of magic.
+Blowing bubbles. Inhale, exhale. Mostly exhale, actually.
+Books! I have books to read. A breath of slowness.
+Delightful progress on my bedroom, even though [reasons it’s not perfect]. A breath of spaciousness.
+Enjoying teen and tween things, even though I am an adult (but not a grown-up). Remembering about goofiness and celebration and play. A breath of permission.
+Dinner and catch-up time with sister. A breath of joy.
Superpowers:
Last week I had the superpowers of Go With The Flow and Not Being Late. While I’m grateful for these superpowers, I’m going to ask for something a little more sustainable, like Bringing My Belonging (and belongings, while I’m at it) With Me and Smooth, Easy Transitions.
Sending loving thoughts and armfuls of flowers to all who wish to receive them.
A breath for Havi. Thank you for this space.
A breath for the Chickeneers. You inspire me.
A breath for climbing into bed early several nights this week. That worked.
A breath for doodling. I’d like to try more of that next week — not just drawing, but musical and verbal doodling as well.
A breath for waves of feeling, at worst, like an abject failure, and at best, like a precocious but bewildered seven-year-old, completely out of her depth. So hard.
A breath for deciding what I wanted to do, one day at a time, and then doing it. Inhaling courage, exhaling play. Finding the good and embracing it.
A breath for last week’s superpower, the power of the impenetrable fortress.
A slow, deep, gentle breath for relaxing into everything. I claim this as next week’s superpower, and I accept your salve with gratitude.
Full circle; true north. Thank you, Havi.
CHANDELIER AMNESIA. This is so good. I am excitedly awaiting next announcement.
Meanwhile, I wish to say: I love the ritual here so much. Just love it. Saturday, also good.
And, I think yoga this week. Better than icing certain parts of my anatomy.
Hello Chickeners! Oy what a week!!
what worked: not freaking out, letting it go, rest.
next time: back to Best Practices, I kinda fell off the wagon with those, and discovered that they really do help. Compassing and Conducting more. Boy i love those practices.
a breath for camping in the SLEET with 2 shivering kids (we had 0 degree sleeping bags but couldnt zip them up)
a breath for August and all of the “all of the things” in it
a breath for the heat and the dry and trying to keep the garden and lawn alive a lil while longer
a breath for feeling unsupported
a few breaths for a very ahrd talk that left me feeling shoes hitting everywhere, also scared and not safe.
a breath for a LOT of judgment i’m directing to Agent K, and how i dont feel on the same page with her, and wishing i had said “No” to this and that.
a breath for how sad we all still are over my mom dying, and how very lil I can do from here.
the sparkle:
-mysterious gold&green
-kids helpoing a LOT more after the campoing trip (2 nights in the sleet shifted their perspective)
-the Salve of Enough SPoons to finish the day’s work
-the SuperPower of I Know What to do Next
-practicing the Practice.
-humming and Flailing, journaling, thinking about new projects
-Despite the Ick from [X] there’s somethign of value there that’s compelling to chekc it out. feeling brave and adventurous anmd curious
-good progress on current projects, new projects coming in, and old projects coming back to life
-gratitude for SO many things
-moving thru the to do list and really clearing stuff out
-bringing the house clsoer to Organized
-finising back to school stuff (mostly)
-resting into WellTending, trusting msyelf to take very good care of the Me (all the Mes)
-Most POwerful Self at the front of V a lot, lots less hijacking of the front by scared gonzo selves with fear-agendas.
Things are verygood this week. I was able to face down a lot of stuff and errands, it kind of pushed me, but I dealt with it and
Fountaining! <3 And I really like you too. *mwah*
As for chickening (even though it is Monday!)…
Things are just so good. And I am wearing a pink tutu. There may have been hard, but I'm not sure what it was. So we'll just roll with the good this week.
1. Hugging the drool monster, all the time
2. 3,187 naps and counting
3. the softest blanket in the world
4. a (hot and) delicious evening with the G.A.
5. brunches!
6. Alberta Street
7. Singing singing singing
8. The superpower of right timing
9. Mirrors and fractal flowers – particularly the epiphany of being a "non-primary partner to my coaching clients who are in primary relationships with themselves."
10. Delightfully random connections and being open to the world
11. Buttmonsters on a carousel and the beauty of possibility
12. Oh right! The weekend at the Cabin of Creativity and staying deeply connected to myself.
13. Finished "The Usual Error", started "How to Be Idle." All the books are perfect. Obviously.
14. A new place to stay!
15. 2 hours of alone time in the hostel room and the best nap EVER.
16. Portal-land. Portal-land. Portal-land.
17. Also, this pink tutu. Seriously.
Wells! I was in Wells. It was wonderful.