It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked?
French.
French helps a lot, I’ve noticed.
I was working on a Chocolaterie-related mission and hating it and hating the analogy. I needed some secret agent code that sounded a little wink-wink possibly-kinda-dirty.
Like: must go EMBELLISH a PRALINE, if you know what I mean…
Somehow from there I decided to just use pastry-related words, since they already sound like code.
Vol-au-vent! Croquembouche! Religieuse! Dacquoise!
With a little Italian thrown in for good measure. Sfogliatelle!
It was the best. I walked around all week going, Vol-au-vent! I am going to go sort out the Croquembouche! I will do this for 30 minutes, more or less, and then some Dacquoise!
I am thinking all of this in the sort of “Zut Alors!” sense of that SNL sketch.
Dressing up.
Nothing like a costume.
In this case, a leopard-print wiggle dress of excellent Italian construction.
I looked absolutely smashing.
Bond Girl got a night out. There was wine. There was mystery. There was a game that no one was watching. It was exactly the right thing.
Next time I might…
Take it easier?
The week after Rally comes with all kinds of integration challenges.
As well as something you could call Formerly Invisible Identity Crises. That is, you already were in an identity crisis about [thing], you just didn’t see it and hahahahaha now you do.
This is a normal part of learning all about what you do want: suddenly all the things that weren’t-and-aren’t working are super apparent. It isn’t necessarily fun. But it’s normal. And it requires some time to fall apart a little.
Anyway, once I remembered this, everything got significantly less hard.
Other things that helped, aside from napping:
- Saying: “This burrito is real“
- The concept of “transactive memory“
- Looking for clews
- “I’ll tell you what people look like, really: they look like flames. Or like the stars, on a clear night in the wilderness.”
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- So. Much. Work. A breath for feeling completely overwhelmed.
- Various situations both practical and existential related to the Chocolate shop. A breath for not knowing if this is the path.
- Wishing the chocolate shop was an actual chocolate shop instead of a proxy chocolate shop. A breath for dissatisfaction.
- I have a cold. A breath for transition.
- The sheer number of missions and ops that I’m currently working on and playing with. A breath for this.
- Yoga got pushed aside this week. A breath for needing steadiness and missing the practice.
- Big doubt, again, still. A breath for feeling deeply unsure.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- All the things that happened at Rally (Rally!) last week have been making this week amazing. A breath for miracles and for welcome surprises.
- I signed up for this class that Max is doing called Into The Closet, and I am so excited. It’s almost like it was invented with me in mind. A breath for the exact right thing just when you need it.
- Autumn is here and overnight all the trees went yellow and red. A breath for beauty and the crunching of leaves underfoot.
- Monaco. A breath for being Bond Girl and wearing a sexy Italian dress and loving every minute of it.
- The perfect toast. To something special. A breath for something special.
- Dance class and good instructors. A breath for understanding a thing I didn’t understand before.
- The Treatbook! I wrote a special ebook at Rally for the people in the Year of Emptying and Replenishing, and we were able to send that out. A breath for sharing.
- An EXTRA good this week, because it was so damn good. Thank you, everyone, who shared with me about why I would make a good chocolatier. I cried. In a good way. A breath for being seen.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed:
Undercover: Trot Trot
Mission: Entry
Operation Ask An Animal Because Why Not
Operation Into The Closet, Part I
Operation Boring Existential Crisis Key Of N
This week’s Mission I Have A Vision, Pre-emptively
Operation Iguanarama Phase II
Mission: The final sending-out of The Brautigan Wing
WHAM BOOM!
Thanks also to Jane, who said — in response to me complaining about how hard something is: “This totally sucks to the power of a really, really high number. The type of number that has to be written down using some sort of weird mathematical notation.”
That helped. So much.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpowers of Glamour, Boundaries and catching all the right buses.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of everything is just sliding into place.
Salve.
The salve of seeing your strengths.
I thought of this because of all the amazing things people said about why I’d be great at owning a chocolate shop. Why can’t I see these attributes and qualities that everyone else knows I have? That’s what this salve does.
Whatever you are good at, whatever you glow at, whatever beautiful things happen as a result of your you-ness, your suchness….
A dab of this salve, and you begin to get a feeling of this. You remember forgotten skills. You return to things you love. You find pleasure again in all the sweet things. This salve smells like cocoa butter and adoration. It heals blisters. You can put a little behind your ears for sweet dreams.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes from something I said at the Floop.
Why Can’t You Cancel A Sweater
This is obviously another local band — I think I saw them at Bunk Bar.
And yes. It’s obviously just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
You guys you guys you guys!
There is a STANDBY list for Rally (Rally!)
If you have the availability to come at the last minute, we occasionally have deals so get on the list.
Rallies B and C full, but get on the list so we can get you into a November Rally. Also, I was supposed to miss one of the November Rallies but things moved around, and I will be rallying it up for ALL OF THEM, including the Thanksgiving Rally aka Hermitsgiving aka Run Away Rally!
AND. If you know people in Portland and you can help spread the word about our Red Rose Ballroom or help do that on facebook, that would be hugely appreciated!
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us check in with a hi or a ♡, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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Early morning chicken! I love the salve – it has come at the perfect time.
What Worked:
Reaching up. Reaching up and finding people there with outstretched hands that grabbed mine and said “there, there is the path that will get you where you want to go. Move along smartly now.”
Going pro.
Finishing.
Oooh, the perfect salve! *dab, dab, dab*
The hard this week was fairly minor, for a change. I appear to have found this week’s rhythm of the days and gotten into the groove, so I’m feeling content and happy.
The good:
Feeling strong and competent.
Remembering how to do things I need to do, just at the right time.
Music, music, music. Music gets me through things with pleasure instead of with effort.
Superpower? This week I’ve had the superpower of right timing, in that while there may not seem to be enough time for the thing I’m doing, it always turns out to be just the right amount of time.
And the superpower of seeing the fun in everything, Mary Poppins-style! The most tedious task is made hilarious and fun when it becomes a song and dance routine.
Happy Weekend to the Chickeneers!
hello friday and cluck cluck1
what worked this week: exiting the day. we used Science to discover that sleep is best when we have both the valerian tea AND the melatonin. tea + melatonin = 7 hour coma
also, Investigating claims that “nothing can happen on weeknights”. I discovered that infact yes, things COULD happen and if they don’t, that becomes a conscious choice towards rest. this is very cool
also, silence. Omg can i always do this? this is awesome.
the hard:
-lots of overwhlem and missing mom
-frustration around hsuband’s inability/unwillingness to do any house work ever
-dissatisfaction over my credit card being so high.
-this is going to be a VPA, because i am very cranky about continuing stuck on spyTraining. it’s been a year since this caper began, six months since Spytraining got kicked off and we have not achieved many of the mission objectives. and the only answer is to keep doing this. frustration and cranky
the sparkle:
-October
-did i mention, it’s october?
-my work wardrobe is finally adequate. this inspires me to finally let go of the shabbiest things in there
-new black suede fairy boots, like i’ve wanted for years
-lots of lil clews and thinsg becayse i’m asking lots of bog questions
-afetr a solid year of Operation natasha, she is finally starting to speak
-my head is sooooo full of the woo, man i LOVE October
-journaling alomost nightly
-starting burlesque dance class on sunday (i need a proxy for this, beyond Dance Class). Operation Mata Hari! this is something i’ve wanted to do since i was 4 years old, and I FINALLY paid the tuition and made the commitment. this is HUGE!!!
-i’ve been breathing nto miracles and there they ARE!
last of the summer roses to each and everyone today! smooch!
– A breath for a situation that got ridiculous enough that other people could see it too, not just me.
– A breath for realizing I must be on my side.
– A breath for seeing just how not on my own side I am, most of the time.
– A breath for new books from the library.
– A breath for fear and for knowing this fear accompanies a grand transition, and for not knowing how it will end.
– A breath for realizing that the path was not the path, but also may still be the path.
– A breath for the month of the wants. For wanting the wants. For how important this is.
– A breath for trying to find the exit.
– A breath of the deepest massage, all the openings.
– A breath for openings everywhere else, too. For settling. For noticing. For everything is different now, or I am seeing it all more clearly.
– A breath for that salve. Exactly the salve I need.
Hello, Havi. Hello, y’all. Hello, Friday. We are indeed here. We are grateful to be here. Modah ani lifaneka melech hai v’chaim…
What worked? Asking for and accepting help. Being ok with easy rather than ideal options. Extending benefit of doubt and trusting others will do the same for me.
And prayanama breathing. That in itself has made my yoga studio membership worth its weight in gold.
Next time: this is a learning process. I am learning what future me needs to have in place/on file should we encounter a future crisis. And things like our advance directives, etc. need to be updated/revised to reflect who is likely to be available and have themselves together enough to represent us. (Note to self: revisit getyourshittogether.org.) I am also learning more about how to better support other friends.
Eight breaths for the stuff making me want to scream:
1. Bureaucracy. A breath for detangling red tape.
2. Pain, discomfort, inconvenience — I can do my best, but a badly broken leg is a badly broken leg. A breath for my beloved’s convalescence.
3. Being primary caretaker + trying to stay (relatively) on schedule with work at the same time = definitely challenging. A breath for doing what needs to be done.
4. Feeling rage at certain parties. A breath of compassion for everyone involved and their frailties.
5. Feeling disappointed/concerned/exasperated at not hearing from some people I had reason to expect would be in touch re this/work/etc. A breath for patience.
6. Feeling concerned/appalled at situation of friends w/medical issues without our resources/support network. A breath and prayers for them getting what they need.
7. Tunisia, WTF? (Their sports ministry ordered their top tennis player to forfeit a match rather than compete against an Israeli player.) A breath for the athletes here and in Russia and elsewhere whose careers are at the mercy of politics.
8. And speaking of politics, a breath for everyone coping with the fallout from the [redacted for profanity] in DC.
8 breaths for 8 things (among the many!) I am so very grateful for:
1. My printer/scanner is awesome, my friends are willing to help, and I have experience dealing with other crises. A breath for having the resources to cope with the bureaucracy.
2. So impressed with my sweetie. Even while in the ER, he made a point of remembering everyone’s names and being courteous to them all. A breath of admiration and adoration.
3. A friend unexpectedly showed me a direction I might want to take toward future employment schtuff. A breath for possibilities.
4. Cards and messages and visits from friends. A breath for love.
5. Being able to order supplies and conduct business without leaving the house. A breath for technology.
6. Past Me might have been an idiot about some things, but man, am I glad she bought those washcloths and bottles of water and the other things she had in place for when we got home. A breath for feeling good.
7. Bok choy on leftover pizza. A breath for unexpected tastiness.
8. As much as this situation sucks, it doesn’t suck even half as much as when my parents were dying or when my heart was breaking from other things. Breaths for experience and for feeling loved.
Superpower I had: I’m a steel peony-magnolia, by God. We are superwomen by definition. *cheshire grin* I might not have time to retouch my hair anytime soon, and I didn’t have time to change out of my nightgown until after lunch today (in spite of being up in time for morning meds and cooking breakfast, etc.) but I took care of the essentials and then some this week (I TOTALLY rock the rearranging-wilting-flower-arrangements casbah) and that’s what counts. (That, and my sweetie was admiring my ass at 3:30 a.m., which is so reassuring given the circumstances I can’t even tell you.)
Superpowers on order: focus. And patience. This manuscript isn’t going to finish editing itself, and me staying infuriated at [d] isn’t going to get me anywhere good.
Warmest wishes to all y’all, and big bouquets too. And also all the ingredients for chocolate wondrousness, accidental and otherwise.
The Treatbook! What a perfectly lovely surprise that was, and simply packed with secret messages and clews that felt tailor-made. Thank you.
What worked: Writing super-fast poems. See, monsters? You see? I wrote a poem; I am a poet; I am an artist! You may think it is a *bad* poem, but that really isn’t the point, is it?
Next time: I would like to experiment with morning routines and rituals. There are one or two things that I would like to be different. Mostly, I would like to *feel* different.
Hard: Money money money.
Good: My sister gave me a beautiful little journal that she made by hand, especially for me. Also, there is some real progress on Operation Relocation.
This week’s superpower: Remembering that sparkling energy is an option.
Next week’s superpower: *Everything* is an art project!
Happy weekend, everyone. I am humming a chocolate hum.
Cheers, Chickeneers!
Oh, adored Havi! How do you do it?! How do you deliver the most delicious perfect offering week after week?
Two things:
1. Croquembouch and sfogliatelle are two of my most favorite words (the whole trinity includes albóndigas, of course).
2. Into the Closet practically *was* created with you in mind. Well, and Bond Girl, too. Naturellement.
Mad, mad adoration!
Three cheers for your happy, beaming, joyous face!
Oh, jeez! I have misspelt croquembouche. What a way to treat your favorite word.
I’ll make it up to you, croquembouche. Yes I will.
I just spent a long time outside – sitting in a chair in my hoodie with a notebook and an intention.
Things haven’t been feeling the way I want them to in my life and I needed some movement around why.
The hard is certainly there:
– Misunderstandings at WORK…a word that has taken a turn for the worse in my mind over the last 4 months. (Metaphor Mouse, I need you!)
– Corporate offices. A breath for WTF.
– Anxiety. A breath for “You again?”
– Rattling muffler that makes me feel poor. A breath for acknowledging my materialism.
– Doubt. A breath for being human.
– Watching a mind movie over and over that I don’t like. A breath for courage to walk out of the theater.
– A deep need for destuckification and support and community, reading the page about the Floating Playground and wanting in so much, and knowing that it is closed for this year. A breath for feeling urgency and not being able to act on it. Another for disappointment.
Some things that I became SO grateful for this morning:
– I followed my thoughts and feelings through the confusion and thorns and dry patches and fear of being lost and staying lost…all the way until I arrived HERE on Havi’s blog for the first time in several months…if not a year.
– SO glad to be here.
– Falling in love with how a breath is dedicated to each thing that was hard and each thing that was magical on Havi’s chicken. A breath for Havi’s insight.
– A breath for Connection.
– Earlier this week I shared some feelings with my boss (Hurry, Metaphor Mouse, hurry!) and I feel more connection between us now. So much relief.
– Being able to enjoy community and destuckification processes and goodness here on the blog even though the Floating Playground is full. A breath for making the most of the great stuff in front of me!
– A real sense that this is the first day of the rest of my life and that when the student is ready the teacher appears. A breath for cliches that are so super profound when we actually experienced them.
Thank you for being here Havi, fellow Commenter Mice, and Beloved Lurkers! I feel so much more hopeful knowing I can come play here any time I like. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
🙂
Happy weekend to Havi, fellow Chickeneers, and Beloved Lurkers!
I am feeling resistance to this today so I am glad to be reminded that I can do Eight Breaths. (or as many as I feel like!) I have no idea what worked this week but I know something did, because here I am!
Breaths of Hard/Ouch/Pain:
-The not-good surprise visit of [a dragon] on Monday evening. A breath for all the scared mes.
-Tuesday night, when the shock from Monday wore off. All the fears, all the tears. A breath for release.
-I sometimes forget how much working my occasional afternoon job takes out of me. A breath for uncertainty.
-Silent retreat. Taking a breath of forgiveness.
-The unraveling of the American government, and all the feelings I have about that. A breath of perfect simple solutions.
-Last weekend I got super bad food poisoning. Fortunately, I know the cause and I won’t be making that mistake again. A breath of gratitude for not being sick right now.
Breaths of Good/Wow/Delight:
+The support and love I got from important people in my life about [the dragon]. A breath of relief.
+I’m off work Monday, not for [genocidal dude who gets a national holiday] but for other reasons, and that is perfect timing for [dragon feeding] and maybe a few other things. A breath for a day off!
+My pillow nest is coming together! A breath for comfort.
+Beautiful moments outside in the fall weather, sitting under a tree, yellow leaves above me in a canopy and below me in a carpet of color. A breath for being present.
+Music. It makes everything better. A lyric that I heard yesterday that stuck with me: “I spend my money on regular miracles.” A breath for new ideas.
<3
A breath for cycling through emotions, old ones, stuck ones, unwelcome ones, intense ones.
A breath for feeling homesick for a place that no longer exists.
A breath for this new and challenging relationship with my body.
A breath for so many tears that are showing up at inconvenient times,
A breath for grinding wheels.
And a breath for sunshine, colourful leaves, a roof and a full fridge, and for families of choice.
<3
A thing that worked: grunting and roaring and vocalising my frustration in a most unladylike manner. And loving it. (Not the frustration, the permission to be unladylike alone in my car by myself when my manners affect nobody but me. Yay permission.)
Something I might try next time: asking for help with a ‘silly’ thing that feels really hard for me.
A hard thing: triggered and judgey and in my stuff and not knowing what to say or how to say it. Staying silent and having to trust in our mutual okaynesses, and not caretake anyone but me, for whom silence is the right response right now. Trust, egads! It is the hardest. (See me doing it though? Parade please!!)
A good thing: seeing a story I have believed for a long time is not necessarily true. “Not extraordinary enough”. A breath for the acceptability of an ordinary life.
Oh, that salve. <3
This week was an amazing week of being seen and heard and present with people I love and admire, and feeling that salve in all kinds of ways. I will leave it at that. Happy Chickening!
Time for a chicken!
Theme for September – Back to School. Schedules, activities, fall cleaning. Hildegarde Withers, schoolteacher detective (and Inspector Oscar Piper) is the Lead Detective this month. Moon of Beginnings.
Theme for October – Hiding under a warm blanket with chocolate. Practice entrances. Jane Marple is the Lead Detective of the month. She listens in a calm, warm and friendly manner. Big Moon of Costume Wearing.
The Good – The range hood like a force field over the stove. No Dad-access holes is the ceilings and walls. The pantry repainted. Beauty. Under budget because the Contractor and I couldn’t remember what price we agreed on, and didn’t dig up the paperwork.
What was hard or mysterious?
Caring about the sad old Russian River.
Not moving back fast enough from other people’s rivers at Hearts & Minds. Sad feeling because I felt inept.
Finding the Stick I Use to Whack myself With – in my hand, whacking me (not Myself, the yin me). Dropped it fast.
Found out that I use my drive time to work in the Fretwork Factory and to cobble Dude-clobbering shoes. Realized I didn’t have to make Dude-clobbering shoes. We’re on the same side. Gwish fulfilled! The Dude started work 10/4. Told not to come back the next day after work 10/10. Gwish back. High anxiety neutralized my Super Power of Extreme Metaphors.
What worked?
Conversing with the sad old Russian River. Committing to only what I can do. Doing it.
Starting the next book as soon as I finished one.
Celebrating our wedding anniversary by taking off work. Rode the Metro for the first time. A guy got on wearing a cat on his baseball cap! I cracked up seeing it.
Coming in, new clothes for the beginning, two pair of slacks and a sun jacket for just a little over $5.
Overall, the cup of Things That Don’t Suck overflows with small round chocolates.
What might I want to try in the future?
Replace a health-thing, soon!
Investigate rituals for drive-time.
Remember the good. The hard mysteries tend to expand to fill the memory-space.
Remember to be patient with myself. (Hm, these two last things might be asks also.) The anxiety faded with time.
Asks:
From 6/21 – that things that need to exit now exit gracefully and things that need to come in now are received with love. Iguanas both live and petrified can exit gracefully, or just go if they can’t do graceful. The Stick I Use to Whack myself With can go away again. Places to wear costumes to.
Thanks to all the chickeneers. You give me golden eggs that open to reveal chocolate that I need.