It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked?
Doing things much sooner/earlier than I normally would.
This is a version of setting it up.
Or
For example, I did entry for a meeting two days before it happened, instead of half an hour before. Good stuff.
Dolly Parton.
I was channelling her anyway this week (which might be related to my secret-project for Rally (Rally!) next week. It’s Rally B of the Alphabet Rallies, and my project has to do with BEACONS AND BOUNDARIES. And BELIEVING.
Dolly Parton is absolutely a beacon for me. She knows about both boundaries and believing. I am playing with this, and it is helping.
And then I came across this, which was so perfect.
Next time I might…
[Something to do with being patient with myself]
The thing these past two years have taught me is this:
Every time I think “oh wow, this is terrible timing”, it actually turns out later to have been just-right timing.
But my default reaction is still impatience with myself. Especially when I’m tired and things aren’t getting done. Or when I miss dance class.
Once I remember that Nothing Is Wrong, I also remember about What If All Timing Is Right Timing (Because It Pretty Much Always Turns Out To Be Later).
And even if that weren’t true, it’s still an opportunity to meet a stressful moment with gentleness, understanding, compassion and quiet whispers of my-love-you-are-okay.
Anyway, I don’t need to solve this right away. Just noticing how much cultural conditioning is in here. How deeply we believe that we are behind, missing out, not ________ enough.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Being woken up at 4am to have an argument over a misunderstanding. Or really: a misunderstanding over a misunderstanding. A breath for how completely miserable this is.
- A severe case of Chocolate Numbness. Proxy! A breath for not feeling and wanting to feel.
- My friend Mary is being evicted from her shop. A breath for the huge sadness of this situation, and for all the ways that Portland is no longer the city I fell in love with.
- Some people tried to break into my Ballroom a couple nights ago. A breath for safety.
- Didn’t make progress on the things I wanted to make progress on. Difficulty focusing. A breath for this.
- Cold moved into chest (movement is good!), leaving me in that uncomfortable state where everything is fine… as long as you’re vertical. A breath for needing more sleep.
- Big doubt, again, still, more of it. A breath for questioning.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Having all the best ideas! A breath for miracles and for welcome surprises.
- So unbelievably excited for the class Max is doing on internal explorations of identity, called Into The Closet. Doing lots of prep work on my own. Take this class with me! A breath for the exact right thing just when you need it.
- The people who tried to break into my ballroom were foiled by our bad-ass lock. And while we still have to fix the lock, they weren’t able to get in. And they tried. Hard. A breath for security.
- I ran into Elizabeth right outside the Playground! A breath for two hugs, and for good surprises.
- Audrey and I went to Mary’s shop, and that was full of laughter. A breath for joy.
- I missed an appointment I’d been looking forward to, and that turned out to be the exact right thing. A breath for right timing.
- While I didn’t get to do any writing this week, I got to do lots of good thinking about the writing. A breath for expansiveness, flow and creative play.
- Yoga. Dance. A surprise cha cha. Walking. Movement. Warmth. Heat. Deliciousness. A breath for all forms of being a gazelle.
And thanks, Cherilyn, for the beautiful card. Nothing like an envelope addressed to Dear Havi Brooks to dispel my ludicrous fear of envelopes. Also postcards. There were lots of postcards this week and that was fun.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
♡ Undercover: XXXX
♡ Mission: One Sign (ongoing)
♡ Operation Green Button
♡ Operation Into The Closet, Part deux
♡ Operation Boring Existential Crisis In The Key Of N, part deux
♡ This week’s Mission I Have A Vision, Pre-emptively
♡ Operation End of Safari
♡ Mission: Chicken on a Mission With The Dread Piggle Gang
WHAM BOOM!
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of believing that everything is going to be okay.
And the superpower of knowing that someone else’s Stuff about me is not actually about me at all.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of seeing what needs to be seen, and being okay with it.
Salve.
The salve of reassurance.
This salve is like a wordless reminder that you are okay, that everything is going to be okay.
Or maybe it is better to describe it like this:
It is whatever you need and want to hear or remember in this moment, whispered through your skin.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes to us by way of my head cold, the resulting loss of ability to smell or taste anything, and the fact that at Hoppy House we buy our spices from the bulk section of the co-op, and store them in unlabeled jars.
That Might Not Have Been Cinnamon
They are loud and angry and put on a show that involves many, many costume changes. Also there is a tambourine.
Although, oddly enough, it’s just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
You guys you guys you guys!
I wand to loudly (for me) recommend the monster coloring book, which solved many problems for me this week.
If you ever wonder, “Hey, how does Havi deal so well with fear?”, the answer is complex. But it involves the coloring book.
Or, the concepts in the manual that comes with the coloring book.
Get the Monster Manual & Coloring Book.
AND. If you know people in Portland and you can help spread the word about our Red Rose Ballroom or help do that on facebook, that would be hugely appreciated!
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us check in with a hi or a ♡, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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Cluck cluck cluck
Hello week that was, hello week incoming. Let’s revue *jazz hands*
Hard shtuff…
– money shame and ignoring the calls from people who will help me fix the money situation which isn’t even that bad. Hi money shame, so glad you’re still here trying to keep me safe. I am going to haul a technique out on yo ass this weekend and fix this up on Mondizzle.
– phone flake (and the state of being one) shame. Let’s do two birds with one stone okay? You’re invited too.
– thinkythoughts ohmygawd the incessence! incessentness! incessation!
– Little Lad is very tired and emotional and easily stressed out and overwhelmed (it’s because of progress though – pennies have dropped and now there is so much more information being taken in and being comprehensible and stimulating thoughts and worries and feelings and then having to be processed etc). Wonderbaby is demanding and possessive (and adoooooorable) (this is the nature of toddlers, you’d worry if she wasn’t). So this is all good except the part where I really need about three or four of me to meet all our needs in the way I would like to. A breath for sensitivity to what-is-needed, and a breath for limited resources.
– motivaaaaation!??! energyyyyy??!!? where aaaaare yoooouu?? please come hoo-oooome!
Good shtuff…
+ gizoogle.net – translates websites into really really bad gangstaspeak. Like this: “Fridizzle chicken # 273: dat might not done been cinnamon” and “Da superpower of believin dat every last muthafuckin thang is goin ta be aiiight. And tha superpower of knowin dat one of mah thugs’s Stuff bout me aint straight-up bout me at all.” Bahahahahaha awesome.
+ Little Lad will get through this and all the resources to help him cope with the new normal are in place and functioning. A sweet, sweet breath for feeling supported and safe. Oh my goodness yes.
+ Wonderbaby might be the cutest little kid that has ever existed on this planet. Also probably a genius. (Biased? Moi?) A breath for naaaaaaaaaawww!!
+ I’ve been going to bed early. Because of structural requirements of my life right now rather than because I grew up or got mature or did anything crazy like that. I might even be repaying some of my many years of sleep debt?
+ I have read two, read it, TWO novels in the last two weeks. A breath for giving myself permission to exist in the spaciousness I have carved out for myself.
+ wisdom.
+ clarity on what I’m doing with my life. And courage to step into it without shame and judgement. Or, the absence of shame and judgement, or rather, the changing ratio of shame and judgement to courage and clarity. Anyway, it’s good.
Cluck cluck bkark. Happy weekend everyone xxxx
*shivers on reading about evictions and break-ins*
*gratefully slathers on some salve*
*cheerfully tosses a spice-candy thong onto the stage* 😉
What worked? doing math. doing dishes. (Whatever’s in Dawn Ultra is the bomb.) asking exactly how high. going back to apologize to the clerk I made a face at (after being redirected twice, but it wasn’t her fault that was happening).
Next time? do the math earlier. discard what’s not working sooner. go for two instead of three.
Eight breaths for the clenchy and the messy:
1. Husband’s leg not ready for surgery. Overheard the word “demoralizing” while he was on the phone with a bestie. A breath for the body doing what it does.
2. Having to hire a lawyer. A breath for coping with complex crap.
3. Cooking for myself is easy. Cooking for fun is fun. Cooking for a patient is not joyless, but producing even oatmeal has been about twenty more levels of challenging than usual. A breath for finding the right balance of water and heat.
4. Anticoagulant injections. They still suck. A breath for keeping things flowing.
5. Retrieving time/headspace for work. A breath for cash flow.
6. The air pressure light is on in my car. It’s highly sensitive, so there’s probably nothing to worry about yet, but there are like no working air machines in my neighborhood, etc. A breath for more air.
7. Still swigging Robitussin. A breath for bronchial health.
8. Waiting for acknowledgment/recognition/replies. A breath for letting things (not) happen on the other ends.
Eight breaths for the light-filled and delightful and good:
1. Being Facebook-averse has once again saved me money and time. A breath for maintaining my boundaries.
2. Friends showing love and mad skillz. (Breakaway undies and pj pants! Sunday morning run for a wedge pillow!) A breath for support.
3. Medical team expert, experienced, and friendly. A breath for proper care.
4. The shutdown is over! At least for 13 weeks. A breath of relief.
5. It’s not too hot or too cold right now. It would be harder to keep the patient and myself comfortable if this had taken place in July or January. A breath for fortunate happenstance.
6. My eightysomething neighbor sassing me about my cooking. A breath for humor.
7. Stopping at our favorite bakery on the way home from the hospital. A breath for hugs and curried corn chowder.
8. The man is still funny and adorable. The dog is as ever funny and adorable. A breath for things being fundamentally fine.
Warm wishes and big bouquets to all y’all.
Hard stuff:
+ Oh but if you are in New York, that means you are not in Seoul or Paris. Being mad about the laws of physics.
+ … which is actually about returning other people’s expectations. Which I had to do a lot of.
+ Very little yoga this week.
+ I am (still) smoking. I wish not to. But here I am.
+ Very painful, icky Trainwreck Night. Twice. Oh god it is my least favorite.
+ My heart still sometimes thinks that it needs [the thing that made me so unhappy].
+ Money was stuck this week and it was hard. I feel like I keep failing to learn the same lesson. Breaths of patience and spaciousness for this.
Good stuff
+ I had a super important understanding about my relationship to the gym. Turns out I was doing it all wrong! The gym is now a playground where I go to explore my relationship to my body. It shall never again be somewhere I go to “achieve” a “goal” or “get my money’s worth.” Ick. Unless I go there again because, pattern. And that’s okay, too.
+ My gym has a sauna. I LOVE the sauna. And guess what? I realized that “it feels good” is an entirely sound reason to use it EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yay for things feeling good.
+ Setting up trips is the most wondrous, magical thing I can do, I am learning more and more. I am not just Me Today — I’m Me Preparing to go to Portland, Me Preparing to go to Chicago.
+ Swedish indie music! The best.
+ I had so many giant sparkly understandings.
+ I am going to Ithaca today to visit Yael for the first time! Could not be more excited.
+ I had several mornings in which I just wanted to hug and kiss everyone on the train because people looked so beautiful and radiant. This has not happened in a few years and it is a sign that I am beginning to feel like me again.
+ Beginning to feel like me again after that super-hard bloody drawn-out de-configuration. Mourning loss but also being so glad for the loss-of-the-thing-that-wasn’t-right. There is still pain, but so much more space, freedom, discovery, quietly gleaming Simone-ness. Yay.
+ Writing ALL the poems. Reading all the poems. Being in love with words.
+ Easing into solitude. Relaxing into solitude. Luxuriating into solitude. It feels challenging but right and holy.
shalom! hello and Cluck!1
what worked this week: bedtime. not-yelling. journaling almost daily
the sucks:
-every year the shift between cool to cold weather feels DIre and FULL of DOOM. i’m determined not to get completely bumfuzzled over the time change. a breath for the sadism of daylight savings
-why does every friday have the week’s worst weather? a breath for staying motivated in the cold and damp
-7 year old continues towhine and act bratty and it sucks. also completely fucking off on my portion of her homework
-I have a masters degree–i’ve been to school. i kinda resnt having to repeat 7th & 2nd grades, but damn my kids get a lot of homework. a breath for my usurped leisure time.
– a breath for feeling all death of a salesman this week.
-a breath for all the Big questions i asked
-showing up to dance class as i always do, late, disheveled, breathless. why do i deny myself the gift of Good entry?
but so much sparkle:
-i’ve been digging in at work, got 2 projects completed this week, and really made progress on others. felt like my work as complete yesterday when i left for the weekend
-Operation AutumnFlame in operation. i’m in burlesque class and it is bringing up my shit in varied colors. but hooray i’m in DaNCE CLASS!! i’m dancng, i will perform. i have not done this in 13 years.
-thinking about Into the Closet, intrigued and curious. i think i cannot takw this class, but notic i’m looking at my closet in a whole new way.
-Foundation is strong, was able to add Temple work this week to good effect.
have a great weekend everyone.
Cheers, Chickeneers!
A girl went missing in my hometown, a few years older than me at the time…. friend of my friends. I wonder where she is, and feel like, there is a way to find out. For my town, for her family.
I had a dream the other night. Where I was in a mall, asking one of her friends where she was. I knew it was a dream, and felt that if I could remember her face in the dream long enough, I would find out. Her friend said something along the lines of ‘Well, she loved the ballroom.’ She apparently had been in a ballroom before she disappeared…
What does that even mean…. I feel so sad that we don’t know where she is.
Anyways, Havi, I love your ballroom. Here is for safety.
As always, the salve is more welcome to me than mere words can express. <3
A thing that worked: Gentle stretching.
Next time: *silent retreat*
A hard thing: Having trouble sleeping when I wanted to sleep.
A good thing: Singing and playing with people I love.
This week's superpower: Beauty all around me.
Next week's superpower: The Present Is *Now*!
Humming a hum of love to all of us.
This has been a ridiculously good week.
Eight breaths for the hard:
+ Getting some information about my past that was deeply triggering, and being unable to find a socially appropriate way to say “STOP” in the moment. Feeling muzzled.
+ A complete stranger touched me outside the bank in a misguided attempt to be chivalrous. The boundary-setting phrase “Don’t touch me” was apparently unclear, and I left the encounter feeling very violated. *primal screaming for boundaries*
+ The ship is listing. All hands on deck and 12 hr watches are needed.
+ Phone calls.
+ Miscommunication all around.
+ Witnessing animal neglect in this town. Deep heartsigh for innocents.
+ Clients who cancel 15 minutes before they’re supposed to show up.
+ Deep breath for difficult choices.
Eight breaths for the good:
+ Comfort and warmth despite the wet weather.
+ Cats and puppies who love cuddling.
+ Understanding support for boundary crossings.
+ Deep breath for 80% happy endings.
+ There are actions we can take for the ship listing. We refuse to sink.
+ A nice lunch in the city.
+ Good books.
+Difficult decisions are made. A breath for resolution.
This week’s superpower: Standing grounded.
Next week’s superpower: Applying the salve of reassurance whenever I think of it. 🙂
I found your blog by accident a couple weeks ago and it is awesome! Boundaries is…are? a huge thing with me right now. I started setting boundaries for the first time in my life and it’s really hard b/c I’ve realized almost everyone in my life is very unhealthy to be around. So I’m trying to have healthy relationships with unhealthy ppl and it’s not working. So there’s a lot of ScaredAlone feeling. Plus I’m just…rebooting everything. I ended a ten year relationship last year….im in a job that doesn’t pay my bills, I worry constantly about what happens when my car dies. Maybe I just need a hang in there. 🙂 I need to know it won’t always be like this. That I WILL be able to get back into school and find a job that gives me some security. And maybe a little healthy love and affection too.
Hello chickeneers!
Something that worked: Finishing the packing 24 hours before we were scheduled to leave home!
Last month I stayed awake the night before we left for a trip and the night before we returned because of doing last minute packing and worrying about whether I was forgetting something important (in addition to the usual reasons I don’t sleep!).
This time I was able to go to bed early and wake up rested.
Next time I might: Put in the red string bag.
Surprise Super Power I had: Pleasant surprises. Havi mentioned it and I said, yes, I want that!
Another Super Power: Helpful People Everywhere.
Hard things:
– losing keys
– unseasonably cool weather on the beach
– not being able to email with MrB while he is with his brother
Good things:
– Mary cried happy tears when she saw us
– good books and time to read them
– good classes
First the, UGH. And much needed breaths.
1. Being excited and thinking I’m out of the woods and then feeling even worse than before. Ugh x 3. A breath for disappointment.
2. Way too much anxiety and feeling triggered into the sad, scary, and old. Gentle breath for feeling what I wished I’d never feel again.
3. Serious case of disliking my boss. A breath for this difficult relationship.
4. A breath for feeling like I never have any money even though I’m making more than I have in a very long time.
5. Feeling like a bullied victim and not wanting to go to school (work). A breath for fear that feels so real even when I know I’m being irrational.
And the good.
1. Super supportive friends and a great husband who loves me even when I’m a puddle of tears. A breath for loved ones.
2. 9:55 pm movie at the theater to get my mind off things..and giant French fries from Red Robin beforehand. A breath for feeling like I’m in college again.
3. The Monster Coloring Book! Tracing them on lined notebook paper and using my box of Crayola 24 was so great. A breath of gratitude that these monster sheets exist and that I have dem.
4. Free Week of Hot Yoga! I can even meditate afterward on some nights because the next class doesn’t start immediately. An abundant breath for monies that allow me to sign up for a membership this week.
5. New jeans that are long and lovely. A breath for laughing when my husband says he “likes me in my new Jordaches.”
6. Chipotle Sofritas with my BFF. Yes! Breath of progress for vegan options showing up in mainstream restaurants and for couch snuggles after we ate.
7. An uneventful inbox from work tonight. A breath for peace and spaciousness.
unrelated to almost everything, I hope you follow @thedalaiparton on twitter. It’s my new halloween costume forever and ever 🙂
https://twitter.com/DalaiParton