It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked?
The word CONVICTION.
Not in a religious sense.
Just the feeling of deeply knowing. And also the word itself was a clue for me.
Letting Incoming Me call the shots.
I let Honey the Bounty Hunter (long story!) be at the front of the V. She chose my clothes. She told me what to do. She figured out what I needed when I was feeling hurt and upset.
And she had me drink a lot of tea. I’m not sure why. Pretty much any time I asked her what needed to happen, she told me to drink my tea.
Drinking tea.
Ginger. Egyptian licorice. Tulsi rose.
It was warming, comforting, replenishing and refreshing. She was right. It helped.
Shabbat with friends.
And singing.
Next time I might…
Take a day off.
And remember that closet-clearing is identity-shifting, and it stirs up all the dust.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Another infuriating situation with the chocolaterie. So many upset and hurt feelings about this. A breath for big emotion, and for legitimacy.
- The owner of the building promised that [thing X] would never happen, and that [thing Y] would not happen again. Not only did both X and Y happen, but we were not informed or warned about it. A breath for feeling extremely Alabama Crimson.
- I am learning so many things right now, and it is hurting my head. A breath for being at the beginning.
- A straw is such a light thing. That’s why we keep putting them on camels. A breath for everyone I know being overloaded, a breath for recognition and ease.
- Filters of perception that make now look like then when in fact now is not then. A breath for comfort.
- So. Much. To. Do. A breath for trust.
- Change is/can be scary. A breath for being in the middle of it.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I thoroughly reorganized my closet. A breath for new openings.
- Clues everywhere. A breath for discovery and excitement. I’m on the trail!
- Lovely things in the mail. A postcard from my mother. A letter from TJ. A breath for sweetness.
- Incoming me picked out all my clothes this week, and I allowed myself to really enjoy getting dressed. A breath for being okay with being seen.
- If dance is a language, I am now at the point in west coast swing where I understand when someone gives me directions. I may not be an especially interesting conversationalist yet and I can only talk about a very limited number of topics, but I am having conversations. A breath for the magic of learning.
- My fellow agent and I got an accidental private dance lesson again. A breath for gifts.
- Marisa and I had a writing day together, and I resolved a big stuck and finished the latest book! A breath for companionship.
- I am filled with appreciation for so many things, many of which are absolutely astonishing. A breath for seeing how much good is in my life, even when things are hard.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
This week was all about very large ops and very small ops.
Sometimes the very small ones ended up being not very small at all, or they did not feel small, or they were important in their smallness.
For example, Operation How About You Put Some Clothes On You’ll Feel Much Better was a marked success, but it took three hours to get there. And that’s okay. All timing is right timing.
What else? Oh right, I finished another one of the Y.E.A.R. books! Wham boom.
The ongoing mission of Pause Every 5 Minutes And Sip Your Tea-
Operation Emerge. Operation: Life of a Chocolatier Part XUndercover: It’s In The BathOperation Salve/Salve IIOperation Danceful x2
WHAM! BOOM!
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of being brave.
And the superpower of clues showing up exactly when I needed them!
When I was at the Playground, I pulled a stone skipping card that said “take 5 steps backwards”, so I did, literally. And suddenly right in front of me was the biggest clue ever.
Then on Wednesday when I was having the hardest day, bam! Two clues out of the blue.
And a superpower I want next week.
The same one I asked for last week: the twin superpowers of graciously letting go and graciously receiving.
Salve.
The salve of I Have What I need.
I don’t really know how to explain this salve other than in very indirect ways. Which maybe makes sense because this is a particularly indirect salve.
I will tell a story to give an example of the feeling of this salve:
Last week I bought a lip gloss, and as soon as I opened it I realized it was not the color for me. I put it down on the table at Rally, and then an hour later Elizabeth said, “I have to go out and meet someone and I am urgently wishing I had lip gloss.”
And lo, there it was, this brand new lip gloss that I did not want! She was so delighted to have it, and I was so delighted to give it to her, and the whole thing was so simple and easy. But then I thought, petulantly, why does this not happen for me? Where is my magically-appearing lip color?
I walked to the post office to pick up a package I’d ordered, and for some inexplicable reason, the company had included a lipstick from some company they were promoting. Even though the package contained a windbreaker. And this lipstick was the exact-right color for a Havi, and now I have the thing I needed.
This feeling of “oh, hey, I have what I need and it is so simple” is the feeling that you get when you rub this salve into your skin.
Obviously life causes us to deal with bigger and much more urgent needs than what I am describing, but the feeling of “oh, I am okay” and “somehow this worked out in a way I couldn’t have expected” is the same. Suddenly everything is a little easier, a little more hopeful. It is a salve of Comfort, Hope and Possibility.
If you are not a salve person (today or in general), you can have this in tea form or in pill form or as a shower or whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes by way of Anna:
Staffed By Elves
It’s like a trance version of Riverdance. Though, somehow, it is actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
You guys you guys you guys!
I have some things that are on the verge of being announcement-ready, but nothing for today. Soon-soon!
AND. If you know people in Portland and you can help spread the word about our Red Rose Ballroom or help do that on facebook, that would be hugely appreciated!
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us check in with a hi or a ♡, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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Staffed by Elves is one of my favorite bands!
So excited that conviction worked this week in Havi-land, seems like a good superpower. As for myself, I keep looking for that deep knowing, twin sister to intuition.
This week my superpower was staying the course and navigating on through those blurry edges of the map. You know, the ones where there be monsters (or so “they” say, convincingly).
It’s tiring to wander lost in the sketchy geography of the unknown, but I’m slowly getting more comfortable with the discomfort of uncertainty. Or at least getting more used to the everywhere-ness of uncertainty.
Happy weekend to all!
I’m going to take the salve in lip-gloss form.
What worked:
Pretty much everything. I was out every day after work this week and my little introvert self did not crumble by the time the Thursday night date came around. Well, she was awfully quiet but the date was in a museum so quiet is fine and then we parted ways and I ran home to be with my friends that I don’t want to be quiet with and all was good.
Also, in going out every night I can now be home all day today without thinking “I should go out and do something.” Because I can be inside doing things.
A bad client who wanted an appointment on a holiday left and then a good client who wanted an appointment on a not-holiday appeared. Yay!
Hula hooping. Note: this always works.
//deep breath// Hello, Havi. Hello, Friday, Hi, y’all.
What worked? Going back to factory settings. Investing in new software. Acknowledging (with both reluctance and relief) some of what has to be set aside or binned for Present Me to acquire the space she needs.
Next time? Still navigating the boundary between might-want-this-someday and it’s-someday-and-I-can’t-find-it.
Hard:
* Insurance WTFery.
* Skincare.
* Haircare.
* Disliking my double chin.
* The reboot didn’t solve everything. (I didn’t expect it to, but that doesn’t de-immensify the frustration.)
* It took a freakload of time. (Not a surprise. Still frustrating.)
* Learning curve, Mt. Career.
* Learning curve, Mt. Staying in Touch.
Good:
* Hollyhocks and cacti looking gorgeous.
* My sweetheart put on jeans yesterday. For the first time in five weeks. The man was so happy and pumped to be wearing jeans. (I may start crying again thinking about it.)
* Great coffee.
* Hot yoga.
* Getting house ready for a houseguest –> getting parts of house closer to how I would like them most of the time
* I have the time and tools to get on with those curves.
* Finding pages I’d saved from an old novel whose title/author I couldn’t remember last week.
* I have met extraordinary people. Some of them stay in touch.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
What worked? Living according to my internal clock. Not trying to make myself to conform with the timing of the external world.
Next time? Getting out in the sunlight more often.
The difficult:
Shifts in social connections.
Needing a certain person’s help and not getting it.
Needing a certain task to be done but not by me and it not being done.
Project Eavesdropping Welsh Law (anagram!) stalled because the “Hub Letter” hasn’t been around.
The delightful:
Being able to work on All the Things!
Figuring out how to Put The Pieces Together!
Writing and writing and writing!
Having resources and things to look forward to!
Making tiny books.
A couple of surprise discoveries on the internet.
Cheers to the all chickeneers!
Happy friday to you all!! Shabat shalom etc.
It’s been 2 weeks for me, so let’s go!
what worked: Excellent well-tending. I visited the Holy wells often (Well Fed, well rested, Well Done, etc). when in doubt i got on the floor or Compassed and just called a time-out. I did this all thru october and it worked very well.
next time: Taking the week of samhain off of work was a life-saver. must do this again.
the breaths of hard and suck:
-feeling apprehensive and like an imposter at my job. conflict ebwteen wanting to step up and doubting i have the talent/energy/drive/etc to make that work.
-a breath for feeling like i have really missed the “right livelihood” bus
-a breath for a friend in dire straits, and not having the spoons to help, and not sure if i did have spoons, i would help. a breath formy selfish myopia.
-a breath for all the things i want to change, but every day i do the same damn old thing. a breath for that
-a breath for every one of my peers and friends OUTSHINING and OUTSTRIPPING me in every way: professionally, persoanlly, physically. millions of examples of this.
– a breath for my ongoing substance use and my inability to stay sober past noon. a breath for shame
-a breath for every bit of violence-against-females&kids stories that made their way into my head. even when i’m not seeking this out, i gets in. i dont even watch the news anymore. a breath for stompy-boot rage and forgettign to make safe-rooms for the me’s from then
-a breath for every time i managed to be OKAY with my life, and the Incongruency becomes to large to ignore.
-and finally a breath for me feelign like i should not go to pantheacon in Feb, and feelign guilty and apprehensive about the kids when i go, and will people say you should not. Feeling like i should not go, but also knowing how very very much i need those 4 days. They are the only 4 days of the year that i do not have to work for someone. I talk with my peers about our religion and our work and our art, and no one interrupts me or makes me fetch sammiches.
-being tempted to do something i really want to do, which would e hurtful and potentially disastrous for many people. and still wanting to do it. a breath for frustration, shame and “when do i get my cookie?”
-the extreme downtime of October meant i really let go of all discipline. trying to get back on track.
the sparkle:
-samhain. i got what i needed and i did my work well.
-taking samhain week off. past-me is a GENIUS! Thanks girl
-burlesque class recital! this was fun! just the beginning!! and I am dancing again so fuck yes.
-new projects bubbling, including a far more integrated and grounded re-launch of project Sloop
-sharing my work with a work-friend, getting props for it
Hallo Chicken.
Ah, this week, this week, this interminable week!
The hard:
[ I can’t even. I am just going to insert lots of breaths here. Hmmmmmmmmm. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale…]
The good:
– breaths!
– the sweetness of love, even when it is fraught.
– I WROTE THE BEST POEMS.
– [ ] made the most delicious things and it was secretly all for me and there was much delighting.
– friends.
– I remembered to Rally it up at work and it was all kinds of magical. Obviously.
– I resolved the most ginormous painful Wall of Shame (resolve? is that the right word?)
– People that I really, really, really like that I talked to this week. Busby. Yael. Agent K. Max. (I might not have actually talked to them. It might have just happened in my head. Counts.)
– I want to go to Ithaca again in December and I totally can and I am excited about the “oh I want this thing and it’s totally going to happen, no big deal”-ness.
– Being 70% more okay with my body than before. This was huge.
– Everyone thinking I am the most gorgeous animal on earth. Because I am.
– Muuuuuuuuusic and I Am A Singer.
– I keep forgetting that I am going to Portland this month and every time I remember it, it feels like finding $5 bills in your coat pocket. “Oh wow this was here, AWESOME, thanks Past Me!”
xoxoxo
This feels like a good place to play today!
Hum…
The good:
First driving lesson in 7 years. Scary AND progress towards FREEDOM.
Lectures in a topic I enjoy and have actually developed an understanding of!
Dinner cooked by my sweetheart in support of hard-week.
Subsidised healthcare. Thank you UK.
The Challenging:
Stress and anxiety over getting things right, carrying responsibilities, keeping everyone safe and happy and well.
Pressure from outside.
Achey-face from drilling.
Extra responsibilities with no guidebook. Or something.
Where’d all the money go?
Superpower:
Knowing I’ve done the right thing and breathing through the challenges.
And trust. The salve of moving forwards and knowing it must work because I’m in the right place at the right time… growing.
That’s the thing I most need to remember from this week. I am growing. Moving forwards. Connecting. Expanding. Even (especially) when it is tricky.
Mantras have been my friends this week! 🙂
Oh goodness. A Friday. A week oh big bigness in many forms!
In one hand:
+ The massive, painful, shock inducing betrayal. It was huge. It hurt and I was all alone inside of it for a while.
+ All the waves and ripples of the second part of the betrayal. Looking back at this person and thinking, I have known a pathological liar and a sick person.
+ Having to wait an extra day for my mister.
+ Wanting to get grounded but having trouble with that.
+ The walk that ended in tears and awfulness, ugh.
+ The person who chose to dump stuff all over us about Thing X.
+ Thing X that was actually pretty awful all by itself!
+ Feeling truly crazy for several days, unable to figure out the aftermath of the betrayal thing.
In the other hand:
+ Getting immediately to This Sucks But It’s Not Just About Me and somehow that helped.
+ Being 2,000 miles away from the pathological liar. Knowing the threat is behind me and we were very, very lucky, considering.
+ My mister is here now!! The best arrival and feeling of safety.
+ The shower that is the best shower!
+ The clarity of One Week In Texas. (And oh the sunsets!)
+ All the sunshine. The glorious wind!
+ The mamas group that helped me stay sane <3
+ The promise of a bike ride in my very near future. Past cotton fields and flat as can be.
Salve I would like: time that has delicious order in it, both in its arrival, its arrangement regarding the rest of the day, and the result of actions performed under the power of this salve. Also verbena. It smells deliciously of verbena.
Cheers chickeneers 🙂
Oh, farewell, week, and hello, Friday!
Hard stuff:
-We sold our last six hens. We probably wouldn’t have been able to keep them after the move, and even if wherever we end up living does allow chickens, the moving process would likely have been rough on our girls; better to start fresh. Oh, but I miss those fat, fluffy, feathery, funny goofballs!
-Feeling distant, foggy, remote.
-Having scary, stressful stuff to do.
Good stuff:
+In final rehearsals for this weekend’s choral performances. It’s always such bliss to be working with the orchestra at last!
+A significant scary task got *done* and off my plate.
+Sushi.
+Making people laugh. That always feels good.
+Peaceful sleep under cozy blankets.
Thank you for the salve. I’m going to savor it. <3
Cheers, Chickeneers!
Theme for November – Plenitude and Preparation. Favorite Fictional Detective Investigation Agency Lead Detectives of the Month: Nero Wolfe and Archie Goodwin, plenitude and Brother Cadfael, gratitude. Moon: Moon of Plenitude.
The Best – Their time changed back to my time, and things are back in sync. I slept 10 hours that night.
The Good –The old Russian River is further away, and the Dude and I do not know exactly where, but it seems like a much better place. Exhale for anxiety removed.
Investigated mouth repairs. The soreness seems to have subsided although nothing can be scheduled at this time.
Those Who Would Be Monsters were miffed when I realized that Walls of … between me and good can be remade into Walls of Protection or force fields around me or them, or into part of the foundation or of the pillars of Structure.
Health-thing replacement seems to be working.
Ha Ha! My first VPA. It’s just a want ad!
What was hard or mysterious?
Inhale of anxiety for the sad old Russian River finding herself in Poland. I’m worried that the Polish people who removed her from her bad situation are Not Her Friends. We are not responsible for her. Conversing with her alarms me, but Not Knowing causes anxiety.
Discovering Test Anxiety. From then, but cropping up now as Phone Call Dread, Filling Out a Form Dread, and in other various situations. Maybe a Monster behind it. Face likes idea of sicking Hildegarde Withers, the schoolteacher detective on the case.
Now I have a Wet Noodle to Whack myself With.
There are forty-seven million Niggles, according to them, because I have that many things to get done. (Niggles are like house elves gone bad. Instead of picking up after us, they niggle at me, usually about Iguanas, but also the yard and other chores.)
What worked?
Flexibility with Schedule and The Dude. Not opening the Clobbering Shoe Cobbler’s Shop and just enjoying what we were making of the present.
Eight pebbles picked up beside The River.
Pebble One: Learning how others’ Monsters count. Most of my monsters know only the numbers 1, 2, “some” and “forty-seven million.”
Pebbles 2 and 3: VickiB: Cozy. Claire: Doona. These go with my comfy chair and Wallowing.
Pebbles 4 and 5: Pqw-orange not leading, not following, doing her own thing, preferring persons with individuality and things organized organically and maybe ontologically? (according to the truth at their core).
Havi wanting us “to play, together, as equals.”
Pebble 6: Seagirl stated my whole entrance philosophy.
Pebble 7: Mechaieh’s articulation of Why Iguanas Exist: “Still navigating the boundary between might-want-this-someday and it’s someday-and-I-can’t-find it.”
Pebble 8: Martin Copenhaver, in my denomination’s daily prayer blog: Reminds me to give thanks “for the particular life that is yours to live, and gratitude as well for the unique gifts or talents you have been given…”
What might I want to try in the future?
Am going to try Wallowing on Wednesdays after work when The Dude is at choir practice. The idea of wallowing is very attractive. My pink bunny sleepers will be my piggy costume.
Continue using these Chickens to remember the good.
Post Very Personal Want Ads more often.
Use my Treasure Map I have started.
Start preparing now for the Moon of the Big Generosity Deadline.
Inhale. Exhale. *sneeze*
Eight breaths for hard things:
– Being sick, oh so sick. Losing my voice, and becoming invisible by accident.
– Very strong outsider syndrome last night. Realizing that what everyone else [at x] found cool and genuine was my idea of unhealthy boundaries/pretentiousness. Disharmony.
– Intrusive questions from strangers and dealing with the backlash from their stuff about me not wanting to answer intrusive questions.
– That-one-guy who introduced me to everyone by the wrong name. >.<
– Guests and boundaries and extreme introvert mode.
– Wanting to "fix" a situation that is not mine to repair, and feeling heartbreak over this.
– More boundaries. Noticing how much courage was required to put up even the politest boundary, and that brought up tons of stuff about not feeling safe, and feelings from then, and the grief of betrayal by someone I really, really trusted.
– Ludicrous popcorn fear around writing, and goal-setting and omg-you-will-fail-at-this-and-end-up-unloved-forever monsters.
Either breaths for the good:
– Seeing Agent D and spending a lovely afternoon on the beach. Good conversation and pleasant vibes. Meeting new friends and bonfires. Getting a glimpse of the life I want.
– Feeling well enough to take the dog for a walk after work for the first time in a week.
– Agent D (the other one) is spoiling us rotten, and filling the fridge with groceries and pizza and other wonderful things.
– Realizing that on the other side of my discomfort in the workshop was a new flavour of confidence (ie. I don't need anyone else's permission to be here.)
– That polite but firm boundary repaired several broken struts inside me.
– Writing something despite the fear, and then having that blog post double my website traffic in one day! Huzzah! Resonance and community.
– Website edits, and revamping the design; the site is one step closer to reflecting the vibe I want to bring to my corner of the internet community.
– Because of its high success rate, "watch the film without the sound" is becoming my default mode for decoding situations.
Superpower I had this week: Enduring Radiance. Staying despite the discomfort; leaning through fear to discover the light on the other side.
Superpower I want for next week: Elemental Strength. Silk + Steel. Flexible, yet indestructible backbone. Bedrock courage that flows to embrace change.
Until next week Chickeners! *autumn leaves for everyone*
Hooray for chickening! And hooray for lip gloss! I was gifted a new-yet-perfect-for-me tinted lip gloss just last night. To go with my new look. Lip gloss magic is afoot! Cheers, Chickeneers!
Wow, thanks for the salve! REALLY needed it. It’s feet first for salve today.
So very excited for next YEARbook. Wheeeee!