It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked?
S words.
I asked for S words and I got S words.
They solved things for me.
Next time I might…
Stand gloriously tall.
One of my dance instructors pointed out that I am ducking the tiniest bit on one of the turns.
I know that I’m not supposed to duck, of course. My mind does.
My body has a built-up aversion, thanks to being knocked in the head about sixty different times on that turn. So it ducks for me. To save me from discomfort.
My job now is to stand gloriously tall. This is harder than it sounds.
So I am practicing.
A wise thing a dance teacher said this week.
Applicable to everything, so substitute life for “dance”….
“Finesse always works better than forcing, with everything”
That was Chris.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- End of the Jazz Age. Or, in not-code: I had to stop taking my morning dance classes because of [time/money] and some other stuff that’s going on. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I got pretty clear intel that this is the Next Indicated Step, and also that it is temporary. Still not liking it. A breath for missing, and for trust.
- Good grief it is hard to get out of bed when it is freezing cold. Especially without the motivation of morning dance class. A breath for new patterns, not yet formed.
- It all hurts. A mysterious blister, mysterious everything. Woke up from a nap with a mysterious black eye. Seriously, body. I know there is a lot going on. A breath for reacting to circumstances.
- So many things breaking. My printer. Agent White’s furnace. A breath for worry.
- Hospital, not for me. A breath for loving people from afar.
- In Things That Scare Me, I Will Do Them, I picked Identity Shake-Up for 500. A breath for big changes
- […] A breath for things that are hard. And for the phrase “Let me see if I can get in an hour of Decent Work and appease the Monster Hordes, ideally while you remind me that I am not in fact a terrible person.” Also, Day 2 of Rally was so Day 2 it was ridiculous. Aka Day 4
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Someone I trust recommended a book very highly. It sells for $125 online, so that wasn’t going to happen. Found it on ebay for $2. $5, with shipping. A breath for good surprises and for plenty.
- More great dance classes than I could handle. 6.5 hours on Sunday. And in case you’re worried about me overdoing it (because you are related to me), please know that there is very little aerobic activity happening in these hours. It’s mostly listening and watching. A breath for the delight of learning.
- I took Friday off and spent it with someone I adore. A breath for sweetness.
- Private dance lesson! Leaps and bounds. Not literally. A breath for how overjoyed I am about this.
- Operation High Burn Nation. A breath for knowing what I want.
- Taking care of myself. A breath for acting on knowing what I want.
- Genius ideas and breakthroughs and much laughter at Rally (Rally!). A breath for new understandings.
- Spending time with a tiny sweet thing, and some new secret agent code. A breath for trust.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Lots of ops. I solved for S, though.
WHAM! BOOM!
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
[…}
And, I am the PROPRIETRESS of a ballroom, dammit.
Superpowers I want.
Same as last two weeks: Everything Is Simple And Pleasurable.
And also: extreme focus. And unwavering faith. Whatever I am doing in this moment is right. And if I change it, that is also right.
Salve.
The salve of standing to your full height.
Or really, of taking up space unapologetically, in all the possible ways.
When you apply this salve, you forget all the ways that you have learned to not take up space. They become irrelevant, unimportant, are clearly not about you.
You get to turn your petals towards the light, they are already turning that way, and nothing restricts your progress.
If you are not a salve person (today or in general), you can have this in tea form, pill form, as a bath, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band via my ex-husband, kind of.
Parenthetical Poppyseed
They are quiet and a little folk. And I’m pretty sure it’s just one guy…
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow.
This involves, among other things, acquiring the skill of Gracefully Accepting Thanks.
And it is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing, particularly about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are, when things were actually the hardest.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. It all counts. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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Chicken check!
Grateful for the Hard:
– My aunt, Mother’s only sister, on the other side of the country, is in hospice care at her home (many family around) and is getting closer and closer to the end. She may not make it to March, when I planned to see her in conjunction with Rally K. Have to decide whether to fly out now/soon, fly out for a memorial service later, or wait til March anyway. Are phone calls enough? Answer must be closely related to my love and care for her daughters (my cousins), some here and some there, who have become my proxy sisters.
– More rain/snow/sleet due tomorrow. Am somewhat grumbly about this even though it’ll be beautiful after the clouds clear off.
Grateful for the Good:
– A little bit of holiday decorating & similar prep occurred this week (Oh! I did it!), almost by accident. It’s much more visually cheerful around here.
– FedEx now has vacation stops; yay, I won’t have two packages damaged this weekend after sitting on my porch in the rain/snow/sleet while I’m out of town.
– Family member (teenager) is in a musical concert tonight, looking forward to it as she has a beautiful voice. Luckily, I will get there today and avoid traveling in the bad weather tomorrow.
Happy weekend, all.
I LOVE Identity Shake-up for 500! And the salve of standing tall. So many adolescent years of being taller than everyone made me shrink. I don’t anymore, unless I need to protect myself. Thank you for the salve and for the naming and secret agent codes.
The Hard: struggling with All the Things and the Playtpus and Losing Focus and the Toulouse Adventure Curtain Time. Breaths for the Platypus and All the Things.
The Good: wonderful weekend with siblings. Seeing castles and having Allies. Finishing things. Long walks and short runs.
Have a wonderful Weekend Chickeneers!
Hello, Friday. Hello, everyone.
What was exasperating, bewildering, or other varieties of vexing?
1. congestion
2. yeast
3. red tape
4. disunion
5. gossip
6. flakiness
7. fatigue
8. logistics of holiday tipping
What was good?
1. access to alternatives
2. ability to devise alternatives (F is for being the Fox! and foxy, too!)
3. the indoor hollyhocks are still looking good
4. drinking cold Eyepatch Ale before a hot bath
5. naps. So necessary. Soooo good.
6. hearing from my old bookbinding teacher
7. trading thumbs-up with the postal clerk today
8. and many, many more good things. I am blessed.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
indoor hollyhocks! <3
Cluck!!
what worked this week: Compassing RADIANCE. compssing daily. early bed and all Exiting protocols. starting to integrate new things into Foundational well-tending.
the suck:
-another school shooting in my area code
-weather
-last weekend was horrible and i got depleted and hd a meltdown and the husband nd i argued
-oy the fveer blisters. i managed to get thru ti and then BAM it came back.
-having so many fridays devoured by otehr people’s shit
-not making to move to actually make art
-slacking on chores, is oly temporary relief
-migraine related suck
-so very little physical practice
-discomfort around the Occultist. He’s more than a friendly dog, that might be the problem
-ugh, persistent pest, go away!!
teh sparkle:
-the season of Light in the Dark. i can only get so sad
-meltdowns over tgiving have made the kids incredibly helpful
– starting counseling, me and oldest kid. big news and a positive step
-many steps in the right direction lately. progress on some very uncomfortable projects
-finally able to ask for Radiance. Approaching it!
This week! This week had a Very Hard Thing (TM) in it, where everyone had good intentions and I still ended up more triggered than I have been in many years. So I’m taking a lot of breaths.
A breath for the past me who lived through the first hard thing.
A breath for another past me, the one who felt this scared pretty much all the time for some years. This pain I am feeling now was her life.
A breath for the person who loves me and pushed my buttons by accident, and for how that is another thing that is legitimately hard.
A breath for the confusion and disconnection of knowing one thing with my head and feeling another thing in my body.
A breath for witchy-me, who has tools and allies.
A breath for impatience and wanting-to-be-done-with-this-already, which are also a true part of my experience.
A breath for the pain of this pattern.
A breath for the pain around having the pattern resurface into my right-now life, where it doesn’t really fit, and the fear of what it might break.
A breath for Slightly-Future-Me, who already knows everything I am learning from this unfolding of this pattern, and who feels as much compassion for me-right-now as I feel for me-from-then.
Fortunately, also some good!
J’s doctor has new ideas about how to help her headaches. A breath for hope and possibility.
Someone made an offer so generous I could barely breathe. A breath for being amazed.
Cooked for a table full of people I adore. A breath for connection.
Superpowers I want:
The superpower of finding paths
The superpower of Wait, This Is Easy!
Some things are landing this week and it’s great. Also exhausting.
This week instead of quietly Rallying Along At Home, I Rallied with a friend. She has heard me talk about Rallying in Portland and at home and wanted to try it. We met on Tuesday to work out the details, including a place to Rally away from our homes.
It was the best. Doing creative projects in the same space as someone else is doing creative projects creates this great energy.
Hard things: medication side effects, my son planning to repeat a past mistake, and my twelve year old nephew making a suicidal gesture.
Good things, besides Rally: friends, seeing my sister, prayers, MrB is doing well, getting a massage, creativity.
Superpower I had this week: seeing what I wanted to do (a form of x-ray vision).
Superpower I want next week: knowing the right thing to say.
Like most of the rest of the northern hemisphere, we are getting snow. I’m planning to spend the weekend snugly in my cozy little house, with the fireplace and some books and maybe some quiet music on the stereo, and conversation with my beloved, and hot soup and hot cocoa.
Wishing good things to all the chickeneers.
Cheers, Chickneers!
I must confess to being phobic of check-ins so lucky for me it is a Chicken.
What worked:
Waiting till I knew enough before disclosing me idea. Being clear about what I know and what I don’t yet.
Hard:
– Demarkation dispute at work. The other person involved is usually reasonable. I need to bust out the NVC to work out what is really going on here.
– The more I know about the next stage, which is exciting, the harder it is to focus on what i need to do right now which is not.
– Sleep, I needs more of it
Good:
– Had a wonderful time with Ms T yesterday. She had a gift voucher for a spa and it felt like we spent the day exhaling and unclenching
– The first real discussion about my tiny sweet thing where I put all that I currently know on the table with somone else. Was prepared for well-meaning critical evaluation – got encouragement and undiluted excitement.
– started today with a swim in the ocean
Superpower
I know exactly what it is that I can contribute
The good:
– graduation. Not mine, but it might as well have been.
– a night at a hotel. A hilariously tacky hotel, but who cares? We were together, and that doesn’t happen much these days.
– looking forward to when it will happen a lot. Feeling able to begin to make plans for that.
– all the parties!
– loveliness of new people, and never having to eat lunch alone.
– seeing the old people again.
The hard:
– all the parties!
– missing people. It gets easier every day, but it has not yet become easy.
– haven’t got my head round the way the new people work yet.
What worked:
– gracefully excusing myself from one of the parties. Good shout, last-week-me.
– listening and listening and listening.
– free Saturday morning – slept until 10.15. Probably the first time that’s happened all year.
I am going to find a name for the first three weeks of December, like the “Canyon of Howling Winds” or “The Blizzarding Plains of Ice” as a reminder that, yes, I feel like this every year around this time, and no, I’m not suddenly going insane for no particular reason. It’s the landscape, and my reaction to it, not a biochemical breakdown.
The Hard:
– Feeling triggered at every turn (screaming rabbits level of triggered). A breath for everybody’s suffering.
– Other people’s pain ricocheting off of my stuff. A breath for miscommunication.
– An agent I care about is making a decision I believe is unwise, and I’m struggling to stay in the space of loving without judging or advice-giving. A breath for trust.
– Stomach pains again. A breath for discomfort and fear.
– A light-hearted conversation that was initiated with friendliness on someone else’s part, that ended with me sobbing while driving home. A breath for buried triggers.
– “There is never enough time” – my monsters. A breath for patterns.
– Yesterday was eaten up by my decision to bail out other people and their poor time-management strategies. A breath for patience, and examining habits.
– I carry so much shame and guilt about my dislike of the whole North American Christmas shtick. A breath for feeling alone, and a reminder that all feelings are legitimate.
The good:
– Going out for coffee and cake with the gentleman. A breath for quiet affluence.
– Transferred all my files to my new computer with little trouble. A breath for ease.
– Cut and dyed my hair the exact length and shade that I want. A breath for looking like a manga character!
– Found out I will be missing the dreaded Christmas party by two days! A breath for introversion and HSP needs.
– A long discussion with the agent about why he is making the decision and coming to a mutual understanding about our needs. A breath for NVC and compassion.
– Slow by steady progress on the project. A breath for remembering the walls.
– Scheduled some downtime this week and actually used it! A breath for self-care.
– Nearly at the end of the a videogame I started playing three years ago, and I’m realized just how much my skills have improved. A breath for expansion.
Thanks for this site, Havi. I’ve been reading it regularly for a few years, and you always bring a generous supply of wisdom and kindness and openness. You are super-duper awesome, one hundred percent fabulous.
Hello, chicken.
Hard stuff:
–With just a few weeks left before our move, we have run out of propane. It’s been a cold and snowy week, too. We’ve ordered a bit more, but it may not be delivered until the end of next week.
–mumblegrumblemoneypatternsarghlalalapancakes…
–Not very much packing has happened this week. More packing had better start happening, pronto.
–Ninja monsters creeping in at unexpected moments.
Good stuff:
–My daughter is a teenager, and yet, she still adores me. Take that, scary media cliches!
–I have a beautiful journal. On its cover are the words, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.” Most of the time, I find this comforting.
–While we wait for more propane, we can manage quite nicely with the wood-burning stove for heat and portable butane stoves for cooking.
–My hair color has settled down since that salon visit of a few weeks ago. I like it better now.
–I reach out for support, and it is there. I am so grateful for this.
Things are feeling fairly intense this month. Not surprising, really. Thanks for being here, Chickeneers. I really appreciate having this touchstone.
Hihi.
The hards included….
* the narrow margins
* the urge to fix the narrow margins, the urge to fix what is ‘wrong’, the distortion that at some point there will be nothing wrong, that I will be healed, rich, energetic, organised, GRADUATED: and then my ‘real life’ can begin. I know that fixing doesn’t work the way I want it to, and there is no graduating. But… this truth is still bedding down and I am aware of the urge and the habit. Whee progress.?
* tis the season for regrets. Fin de siecle milestones… makes me conscious of all the ways that certain things are not, but might have been. Grieving is part of releasing I guess. Not much fun though.
(yet. not much fun, yet. whispers Future Me.)
(rack off, highly advanced Future Me I can’t conceive of ever embodying. says Today Me.)
(don’t rack off. I mean. come in.)
(she twinkles and beams)
(I roll my eyes. She leaves my sight. oh man…. I don’t know if I even WANT to get good at grieving, do i? Well, actually you do have a secret babywish to be a counsellor to the dying one day so POSSIBLY this would be an excellent skill to possess. Mais non?)
(Ugh. FINE)
* energy is low. energy is always low. (Low. What is low? Low is ‘not in congruence with my life set-up at present’.)
* envy. And a little resentment.
* a bit lonesome. Angels, please deliver me a sweet, straightforward, attractive young man to my driveway. If you don’t mind. kaythanksbye.
(Hey – lonesome is not *just* a euphemism for horny, alright??)
* money blah. See above re narrow margins. I know it’s not that bad, I know it’s not forever, I’m not even stressing about it or trying to fix it (yay progress), I know it will resolve faster and more perfectly if I keep out of it and just respond. But I am a recalcitrant follower, yes. Also I want some new clothes already and can’t we just get there yet?? Bah!!
Anyways. The hards were around. But also, oh my wordy lordy yes, the goods.
The goods included….
* oh everything. Everything is good. Life, kids, family, friends, belonging. Even the pain of world is ‘good’ in the sense that it’s got to be waking us up. Although I have to get really fucking universal woowoo there is no separation all is one-ish and squint a lot to see the world that way. I mean, it’s a nice idea to believe in. It helps to believe in reincarnation too. But… right now, for this chicken, I’m just going to say that everything is good, really, underneath it all, everything in my life is good.
<3 love <3
What worked:
Letting things lie. Catching the ball that kept getting tossed at me, putting it on the ground and saying “I am not playing.” And then going elsewhere so that even when the person picks up the ball and throws it, I’m not there. Loving someone even when you don’t like them.
The Hard:
Feeling the absence of the person you let go, and knowing you have to feel it so that you can fill the space with someone else soon.
The Good:
Clients, money, Christmas cards, happy mailbox, new tires, sleep, a warm house, a true to the core good mood for days on end, wrist warmers, new mittens, snow.
Hello, lovely chickeneers!
The hard;
– High Burn Nation. Hi Burr Nation! Heil Bureau Nation. My body being in it and unmet expectations.
– Last night was too much and I fucking HATE staying up until late and being at somebody else’s loud, full-of-drunk-people house.I suppose this was useful in the sense that, “hey, we haven’t done this in a while and now you KNOW that this is NOT fun, exactly which aspects are excruciating and this is definitive useful information to go in the Book of Me with 1000 damnits.” A breath for annoyed tired regret-filled me.
– being extremely frustrated with a friend, and then realizing that everything that annoys the fuck out of me about her are…. so obviously All My Stuff? A breath for reflected pains.
– My room is cold.
– Scary things happening in my country and grieving for degrees of other people’s pain that I can’t even fathom.
– Incoming Me wants what seems to me like a ludicrous amount of silence and stillness and I don’t quite know what to do with this information yet and there is fear and Stuff around this.
the good:
– there’s this mysterious sense of a painful pattern being slooowly, elegantly, invisibly lifted and I am not even aware of it until I notice that, hey, I used to do X and I don’t even notice I’m not doing it anymore! A breath for relief, a breath for good things happening while I’m not even paying attention. A breath for angels doing their work behind my back!
– all the illusions regarding [a thing] lifted and I can see clearly. New clarity isn’t something I am entirely comfortable with, but it feels more congruent with Incoming Me and I am glad for it.
– Things are congruence-ing at work.
– I heard two of my favorite pieces on earth performed live this week and it was absolutely miraculous and music is the best.
– The learning of, oh, a continuous ritual of glow-sitting is something that needs to be cultivated, and oh, this is what cultivation looks like, and oh, I am doing it and oh, this feels amazing.
– Incoming Me wants what seems to me like a ludicrous amount of silence and stillness and somehow I know this is right.
– Underground Joy.
– I am moving! Finally, to a place/arrangement that feels like a full-body sigh. A breath for hopefulness and comfort and love and safety, even if it is tinged with pains-from-then.
– Delicious, scrumptuous surrender.
What worked?
– Scrumptuous surrender.
– Eating slooowly.
– Glow-sitting.
– Reading my new fabulous books.
– One Smallest Thing.
– Momentum, not willpower.
– SInging.
– Asking for what you want.
Next time, I might try…
– More glow-sitting.
– More permission.
– More ‘Everything Dissolves into Love and Nothing is Wrong.’
– Eating even more slowly.
This is two weeks of Chicken.
The Good – Another 90 minute commute on an evening I was planning to Wallow did not set off any monsters.
Sending in the Want Ads (it’s the Visioning and Possibility parts that are scary.)
Wearing My Style to the Work Christmas Party – no outsider complex. Earlier in the week (thanks to Havi’s post about boring old me and my pet kangaroo) realized that I’m Fringe Normal and Definitely Not Average. And to my ProfOrg party.
My theater is The Producers’ Playhouse at 1 Imagination Boulevard.
Being made aware that the X in Rally X (chosen for logical timing reasons) also means the unknown in mathematics. One solves an equation for X by finding (researching, investigating, experimenting, playing with) the values (qualities?) for the other variables according to the principles of mathematics as developed by brilliant minds (Havi, you, my cast, self-help book authors) and document (map) the research process and the results. And I am X-ing off the days on the calendar until the Premiere. And also eXit, which I have to do before I enter, because I’m in a place I need to leave.
No brain squirrels waking me up at 2 am as in past years.
What was hard or mysterious?
Russian River and Generosity Deadline simultaneously.
The old Russian River has been returned nearby, suddenly.
What worked?
The salves.
Ruminating.
Famous Fictional Detective Investigation Agency found the Monster Who Accuses Me of Not Getting Everything Done that I Had Planned to Do. Went away after I had a twinge of guilt. I did not pursue it. Then, I got the superpower of I Can Do It Piecemeal or peace meal. And many of the Things That Need to be Done can be done that way.
Using “Even though” statements to authenticate my feelings.
Saying no to active listening session – used the time to Get Stuff Done.
Asking for help and getting it from The Dude, although the monsters insist that getting the gift cards is My Job.
What might I want to try in the future?
Think about a house without Iguanas?!? later.
Think about sound effects later.
I made a salve, because I really, really need it this week. And if you do too, please take it!
My salve of Replenishing and Radiating.
This salve is to be applied lavishly on the feet which draw up strong, sturdy replenishment from the earth. But also apply it everywhere to draw replenishment from sunlight, sights, sounds and smells.
It enables you to radiate glowing generosity at this time of year while greatly reducing or eliminating effort and anxiety.
It smells like a cinnamon bun and a pine forest, but not when it’s applied, and comes in a crystal sachet jar with a gold bow on top.