It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked?
Gwish-scripting.
Before my visit to the doctor, I spent about ten minutes writing up a description of how it could go, and then I sent it to three friends:
I am calm, grounded and stable. All my interactions are harmonious. I am treated with warmth and respect.
All those things happened. It was good.
Companionship.
My three friends also hummed trust and shelter during my visit.
Just knowing that this was happening helped me feel better.
Clue-searching.
For the duration of my visit to the doctor, I was on high alert, receptive to finding clues.
I found them.
Words.
At the doctor’s office, I wrote TRUST on the palms of my hands, using my finger. I wrote TRUST on the walls of the office until it filled up with trust. I wrote TRUST on my forehead with this whisper-writing.
Words are amazing.
Stand-ins.
I didn’t just do these things for the visit to the doctor, I did them for all the other things.
The doctor visit is a stand-in for everything else.
Next time I might…
Do more of all of the above.
I know what works.
I just don’t always take time to do it unless it seems like This Is An Important Thing That Needs My Immediate Attention.
It makes everything so much better though that I could really do this for everything.
A wise thing a dance teacher said this week.
—-> Even better than saying “leads” and “follows” is saying, “when you’re leading,” and “when you’re following.” Leading is something you do, not something you are. Everyone in the room can be a lead, even if only half of them are leading at that moment. <----
[Applicable to so many things: I am not a ______, I am doing a _____ or practicing ________.]
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Worry. Visiting the doctor threw me for a loop and changed all my plans. A breath for coming back to the front of the V.
- Travel. So much travel. I do not like it. A breath for how absurdly, impossibly hard it can be to take a highly sensitive person and move her from point A to point B.
- My body did not like plane travel or sleeping on couches or being in the cold and snow. A breath for taking care of myself.
- Ohmygod the getting back. For the first flight we got to sit on the runway for 45 minutes. On the second leg, a baby with an exceptionally forceful ear-piercing shriek employed it to full effect for the entire THREE AND A HALF HOUR DURATION OF THE FLIGHT as well as the very long boarding and the seemingly-endless disembarkation. The flight began with a hint of a migraine. By the end I had come absolutely unglued. Once back in PDX (at approximately a million o’clock), I curled up on the carpet in fetal position and cried for a very, very long time. A breath for that.
- Missing the spy who loves me and all my other agents. A breath for craving companionship.
- People I love are unwell, uncomfortable, suffering. A breath for the this too.
- This week involved very little sleep, much staring at the ceiling during hours that should be sleeping hours, and [a word that is like sorrow] about all the undone-work. A breath for needing more rest, in all the different meanings of that sentence.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- My Mitten Visit was so much better/easier than I was expecting. A breath for now is not then.
- I got to spend two days with my brother! A breath for delight and laughter.
- Everything about this week except for the plane ride back was significantly better than I was imagining it would be. A breath for Good Surprises, a superpower I will always associate with Rudi.
- Brunch at the Fleetwood with one of my best friends from high school. A lot has changed in twenty years, but love hasn’t changed. Love has just grown. A breath for love and how it expands.
- So many different people helped me with the Mitten visit in a variety of different ways. A breath for support and treasure.
- The Agent from the Other Agency met me at the airport, let me cry on the floor, poured me into a cab, took me to a safe house, got me into a hot shower, tucked me into bed. A breath for being loved and cared for.
- DANCING! Something clicked for me this week. Or for my body. Jumped up a few levels, and suddenly I can do all these things I couldn’t do before. I can play. I can play! A breath for how thrilled and delighted I am about this, and for dancing until the dance is over.
- Everything is going to be okay. It just is. A breath for knowing and remembering.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
My op this week was the Big Dumb Mitten Visit, and: SUCCESS.
WHAM! BOOM!
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of This Moment Is Right.
And remembering that I am the PROPRIETRESS of a magical ballroom. This is its own set of superpowers.
Also my father gave me his favorite hat, which was the sweetest thing in the world, so now I have both the superpowers of this hat, and the superpower of receiving sweetness.
Superpowers I want.
The power of I Am Thrilled About How Things Are Working Out.
Salve.
The salve of newness.
Everything is new, renewed, slightly shinier, humming with possibility.
If you are not a salve person (today or in general), you can have this in tea form, pill form, as a bath, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band via my mom’s medication.
The Rainbow Bridge of Love and Expectations.
And it’s just one guy…
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
Big announcement coming soon about my plans/offerings for the new year, I hope by next week. Are you on the list?
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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Happy to hear so many things went well for Havi! And that you’re back where you want to be.
YAAAAYYY for the Mitten Visit going better than expected!!! YAY, HAVI!
I’m going to try the superpower of I’m Thrilled About How Things Are Working Out. I’m often ‘excited’ or even ‘enthusiastic’ about things, but ‘thrilled’ is a state of mind I experience rarely.
If that changed, what else might change along with it?
Yay for better mittens and returning home.
What Worked:
Pruning.
Heavy cream in my coffee. Then it is like breakfast.
Sewing. And ripping stitches. And re-sewing. And realizing that ripping stitches is a vital part of sewing, and precisely the reason they make stitch rippers.
Not knowing what day it was for 2 weeks.
Cleaning my workspace as I go.
Doing what works.
I am happy.
I heard a thing yesterday about 13 being about promises, and 14 being about fulfilment of promises. This feels like it is important.
The good:
My people. My friends and my family and my colleagues and everybody. They are great.
And knowing that I have them and they are there and they love me.
Being out. And then coming out.
The music. All the music. Really obscure Verdi box sets for a pound a pop in the charity shop. And Leonard Cohen.
Do you know, this may be the first winter of my adult life when I haven’t had depression? Not having it is wonderful.
The hard:
Do I really have to choose between people and sleep?
Other people had horrible 2013s. And I feel bad that they did, and also slightly guilty that I didn’t, and then ungrateful… Trying to remember that we are all different people and that different things happened to us.
The weather. Will it ever stop raining?
Things to do. I could do with more of them.
Superpowers I had:
Mechanical genius. Or possibly, Things That Were Unclear Become Obvious
Effortless logistics
Superpowers I want:
Seeing the Love
Whatever the thing was I had the other week that wasn’t lipstick or dangly earrings or uproarious drunkenness, because I think it was a good thing.
Happy chickening to you all!
Happy sigh. So glad to be back to this blog. So glad you are home safe, Havi!
I suppose this counts as a two-week chicken:
The Hard:
Old patterns. Travel. Everybody’s stuff getting entangled. Food poisoning. My childhood home being not-home anymore. Way too much socializing. Gift-giving. The Threshold (related to Bolivia and plane rides thereto) that my monsters want me to feel uber-guilty and sad about.
The Good:
Reconnecting with old friends. Tromping around in the snow. Moments of good, clear conversation. The cat-that-was-formerly-mine who remembered me and slept on my bed every night. Breakfasts. Playing the Chicken Dub game. Realizing that I am actually feeling excited about the Bolivia threshold and giving myself permission to feel all the feelings.
Happy 2014 everyone!
Cheers, Chickeneers!
Deep in the throes of moving house this week! I won’t dwell on the hard; it’s easy enough to imagine. I will take a breath of gratitude for the good: there is so much kindness all around me. Oh, and Havi, thank you once again for the perfect salve!
Yay, Havi, for safely returning, for two days with your brother, for your father’s hat and receiving sweetness.
Hard things that were hard: Winter. Cold and gray and snow. The snow was light compared to some winters and compared to some places but I had to deal with it by myself. Pain. Also unexpected loss and grief. And a couple of potentially hazardous Big Deal problems that I Don’t Even Want To Think About but I still have to deal with, that were probably caused by Other People Not Communicating With Each Other Or Otherwise Doing Their Jobs.
Good things that were good: Books. Reading. Quietness and solitude. Sovereign sleep schedule (because I didn’t have to go anywhere and could sleep when I needed to, for as long as I needed to). Good food and drink. Celebrating things with MrB and laughing with him and also grieving with him. A good beginning to the New Year.
Cheers to all the chickeneers!
Hard, baffling, frustrating, etc.:
* Dog tangling with Great Dane across the street. Everyone’s fine, but I’m mortified, and I hate that I can no longer trust her to behave when the front door’s open.
* Feeling down about income
* Breast boil
* Losing touch w/ people
* Falling behind on plans
* I’m like 0 for 30 on keeping cactus cuttings alive
* Buying a big bag of dog food — with a “use by” date of 4 January that I noticed only after opening the bag. It’ll be fine, but again, I’m annoyed that feeling like it’s one more thing I can’t trust (aka have to be vigilant about)
* All the vigilance, maintenance, etc. It makes a body tired.
Good:
* Roads were clear enough this morning for what I needed to do
* Enjoying what I’m learning, even when it feels like I’m repeatedly skidding backwards down the curve on my butt 😉
* My friends are extraordinary, inspiring, hilarious, supportive … and it’s awesome when they guest-star in my dreams as the fifth Dr. Who. (I have no idea why, but it was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in recent memory.)
* Throwing out grade-school report cards! And also the long underwear with the completely shot waistband.
* Making salmon quiche with the last of the heavy cream
* I’m so much better at my job than I was even a few years ago
* Good visits with both immediate and honorary family on the first day of 2014
* An acceptance from an anthology editor
* Still entranced by my hollyhocks
Warm wishes (and the restorative beverages of your choice) to all y’all!