It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked this week?
Twenty minutes.
As part of my ongoing experimental practices of Dropping G and letting go of guilt, I have cordoned off twenty minutes each morning during which I get to do what I want, and the monster crew can’t label these choices as “bad”.
If I want to spend those twenty minutes staring into space, they don’t get to say that I am squandering my time. Squandering, now there’s a monster-word if there ever was one.
The rule of twenty minutes says: for the duration of these twenty minutes, the concept of squandering does not exist. I am looking forward to time when the concept of squandering never exists for me. For now: twenty minutes.
Whatever I happen to do, am drawn to do, or end up doing, that is the exact right thing. Inside of those twenty minutes, Nothing Is Wrong.
So I might give myself Puttering Time. It isn’t the same as a Putterday, but it feels pretty good. Or I might just close my eyes and breathe.
Or I might look at photos of an ex on facebook and feel feelings, and the monsters don’t get to say THIS IS A TERRIBLE PLAN, because, terrible or not, this is my chance to experience what it is like to follow a thread without the guilt/shame attached to it.
That way, I can bring my attention to just the thread. Do I want to be doing this or not? I can investigate my pattern by itself, instead of investigating while simultaneously blaming myself for being in the pattern, which is the next pattern. The intel I get is clean and clear, and this practice of twenty minutes is bearing many marvelous and unexpected fruits.
Once the twenty minutes are over, there are often some monster-negotiations. Not easy. But ohmygod the freedom of these twenty minutes. It is a beautiful taste of what it would be like to believe in my body what I think in my head: that each moment is useful, nothing is wrong, habits aren’t so much “bad” as they are interesting, and that changes come faster and more smoothly without guilt than with.
Next time I might…
Try twenty one minutes?
Ha. Everything in my body just tightened up when I wrote that, so it’s time to breathe and regroup.
Maybe twenty minutes and an extra ten seconds? That feels better.
Tiny steps. Let’s go with that. Safety first, that’s the rule.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Oh hello, first dance injury, thanks to overbearing macho salsa dancers who think yanking girls around by the arm is fun and that knowing a lot of patterns means being an advanced dancer, even though they don’t have the technique to pull it off. Sore neck for days, and lots of frustration. Also, Assertive Me temporarily disappeared, and I need to investigate that. A breath for discomfort, in all forms.
- On the topic of discomfort, my ankle is still not completely happy. Fortunately, it’s happy while I’m walking and dancing (which is huge). However, flexibility/mobility still limited, and can’t do anything high impact. A breath for steady healing.
- Still feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of things to be done. A breath for what is, and for perspective.
- Stress and worry and problem-solving and trouble-shooting. A breath for desiring comfort.
- I ran into an old pattern that involves going numb during a particular kind of confrontation. Suddenly I forget about the breadth of available options, and I only see two. I chose the less dangerous one, but oh the numbness. A breath for patience and slow healing.
- I can’t go to New Orleans. This came up last March in slightly different circumstances, and I am noticing my stuff about that. A breath for remembering that now is not then, and trusting in right timing. There will be a right time for this, and in the meantime, this is the right time for something else.
- Not getting as much sleep as I would like. A breath for adjusting.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Dancing all weekend long! Salsa twice, four magical hours of waltz, a very fun cha cha with this guy who had to be in his mid-late eighties (“You know what darlin’? You and I are the best looking people on this whole damn dance floor!”), and three hours of east coast swing. A breath for pleasure, delight, being a gazelle.
- Best birthday present ever. Danielle took me to the Barefoot Sage and we spent a hour deliciously relaxing. I think the last time we went was two years ago, and we have been missing it ever since. A breath for surprise beach day!
- It was Purim and I baked hamentaschen and everyone loved them. And Svevo was visiting, and we had brunch with my wonderful cousin Noah, and just…I don’t know, lots of happy this week. It felt really good. I can’t remember the last time things were so good. A breath for this.
- The Spy aka the spy who loves me. A breath for enjoying each individual moment as something that is completely beautiful and important on its own.
- Lots of energy this week. Not worn out. This is new and exciting. A breath for the idea that it could also be like this.
- Walks in the park. Flowers everywhere. Sun. Spring time, glorious spring time. A breath for appreciation.
- So many good things. Food that is delicious. Friends who are understanding. Warmth, friendliness, welcoming. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
- I got a surprising amount done this week, all projects are moving forward bit by bit. A breath for turning corners.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I am almost done decorating Say Everything Twice (Say Everything Twice). We have fun things happening at the Ballroom. WHAM BOOM.
Still playing with Operation Houston It Is The Vicar and Operation Pop Up.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I got the superpower I have been longing for: appreciating the absence of X! Appreciation that my ankle is well and I can walk in the park. That I’m no longer terrified of being asked to dance in certain situations. The many options of Dropped-G food there are all around me.
I was able to smile about what was, instead of being upset about what wasn’t. This feels big.
Superpowers I want.
More of the above, and a repeat ask: the power of perfect simple solutions everywhere, to the point that it is just hilarious how plentiful, perfect and simple they are. With some sexy fearlessness on the side.
Salve. The Salve of Sexy Fearlessness.
In salsa class, I learned this technique called the Spanish Strut.
As soon as you put this salve on, you have some of that. There is a boldness, a playful boldness. It is a little fierce and a little fun, and you don’t care what anyone thinks, because you’re here and you are bringing the party with you. This salve spreads joy too, because everyone who encounters sexy fearlessness whispers a secret “hell yeah”, and smiles happily just to have seen it.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from TJ, it is called 45 Degrees From Hiding, and as it turns out, they are… just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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How marvelous to read about the good things in your week! Yay!
My week was full of hard and mysterious things; there was anxiety and there was frustration and there was fear.
What worked: lots of processing and force-fielding. Giving myself time and permission.
There were good things in this hard week: my friends, especially J and T, B and M, and CT and TC, and my sister B. There were a few days when the weather didn’t suck. Tiny leaf-buds are appearing on the trees near my house, finally. Having resources and skills and tools.
Next time I might: end the struggle. Some of the difficulty this week was caused by my resistance to what IS. Maybe more Puttering will help.
And I can slather on the Salve of Sexy Fearlessness, I can do the Spanish Strut, I can remember the days of All Is Well and that they will come again.
Is that a new photo of you, Havi? Every time you update your photo, you are more beautiful. What is the secret? 🙂
Agreed! Current theory: RALLY GLOW!!
http://fluentself.com//blog/stuff/the-unlikely-side-effect/
a new fluent selfie hehe
I love this week’s salve. Thank you! I’m using some right now.
What worked: Waiting. I don’t always like waiting, but it did work.
Next time: I would like to delegate more.
Good: A new contract. A fabulous concert. A movie I’d been longing to see, for free! A good haircut.
Hard: A scary phone call looming. Being snapped at. Feeling short of funds.
I am now invoking the superpower of light and easy energy! Vvvvvvhooooosh! *Aaaaaaaaaaah*.
Of course that strut is Spanish. Of COURSE.
Thanks for the idea of 20 minutes. I’m going for a full Putterday today, GOLLY, big hand-on-heart sigh for that, but after today, 20 minutes. That’ll be good.
<3
*Sigh* What a week.
The hard: Boring existential crisis. Recognizing a pattern. Hiding and not wanting to (but also not wanting to be seen). Lots of tears and feelings.
The good: Spring weather. Lots of walks. Putterday! Connection with smart, fun people to hold space and lovingly call me out when I need it. Recognizing a pattern.
What worked: Naps, guilt-free lying on the floor, processing with someone else, dipping in to old FS posts and KT calls when I needed a friendly voice.
What I might try: gently asking the resistance a question or two instead of caving under it or pushing through it. So hard! More gentleness, more tenderness, more curiosity, more playfulness. (This is also a VPA for these things).
<3 to all the chickens.
Salut, Saturday!
What worked?
* Reading half of The Happiness Project right before Awkward Situation.
* Having “Hibernation Week” right on the calendar. It’s forestalled dithering over at least one something-that-looks-fun-but-I-don’t-really-have-time-for-anyway.
Next time? A thicker layer. Go for three.
Hard, frustrating, ack-filled:
1. feeling smacked by collateral shoe-splat
2. multiple instances of coupon fail
3. why does that hurt?
4. eschewing “for the love” projects for which I am well suited. Crazy if-then-but-oy loops.
Good, reassuring, promising…
1. income i-cumen in!
2. quality study time
3. binning the stale brownies. victory one plate at a time!
4. making the right call on certain matchups (yay Dayton! yay St. Louis!)
5. ordered the right amount of [s]
Warm wishes to all y’all!
Cluck cluck.
The hard:
– enforcing boundaries
– enforcing more boundaries
– having to evict someone from my safe space
– wanting to be Right
– return of the ‘be as brilliant as you like, nobody’s actually going to *like* you’ mindworm
– so very, very tired
The good:
– I asked for one hug. I got two, and many cyberhugs as well.
– leaves budding on the chestnut trees
– HOUSE!
What worked:
– asking for help
– asking for hugs
– activating previous offers of hugs
Next time:
– more sleep
– and then some more sleep after that
The Hard:
Beginning. Beginning to play the guitar. Fingers pained from steel strings. Can’t figure out where to put boob while playing. Mad at body for not being flat as a guitar. Leg pained from wood resting on it. Arm pained from curling around corners. Neck pained from looking at things. Wondering if I should get a little mandolin instead. A breath for beginning and trying to settle in.
The Good.
Made it through a lesson (in the store!) and a lesson at home. My brain remembering how to read music. My foot tapping in time. And making it to the part of the lesson where I play with the CD and we made a song! (A Spanish song!) A breath for learning new things.
New books.
Realizing that I found my calling. And it’s what I’m doing. Which is pretty cool.
I would like to add a good thing. I went back to the guitar store to talk to the nice calm long haired man about my issues (while trying not to say “boob”) and he was very nice and now I have a strap for my guitar that makes everything better.
Awesome: the dramatic rescripting of everything related to the Space Opera. YES. SUCC-YES.
Gnawsome: Operation Operation Horse. HOO BACKWARDS.
Gnawsome: Bigotry fucking sucks. Especially when it is my friends. Fuck all that.
Awesome: But I got to play Made Up Words, so that was fun at least!
Awesome: lavender coconut cookies!
Awesome: green beans poriyal!
(common denominator: COCONUT EVERYTHING)
Awesome: finally finished the Phaerie project! YEEHAW!
Gnawsome: Agent Lucelli getting thwoomped. Not the funnest. But also not the end of the world.
Awesome: amping up the JAW! yay JAW!
Awesome: Oatmeal 2.0! Now with more singing!
Awesome: SO MUCH CATWRANGLING
Awesome: Meeting with Captain Sparklejuice! Yay!
Eeksome: questioning [Nonono], am I going to keep doing it after the next boat? EEK so many buttmonsters with so many opinions.
Hello: Superpower of Rose Hen, Superpower of Spacetime, Superpower of Earhorn
Hello: Agent Pitdagh! Agent P just arrived last night. Looking forward to getting to know you.
Hello: Agent Auctoria! This is the new Talent Agent at my Casting Agency for the Space Opera. Agent Auctoria is doing an awesome job. Keep awesoming, Agent Auctoria!
Goodbye: The thwoomping. Goodbye!
Goodbye: Thing of ikpapoloog magginipuk neemarmsch. Good Fucking Bye.
Goodbye: being mean to myself. Goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeee.
HOO backwards! Ooh Hoo! <3s for your chicken
Hello, it’s Friday, already.
The Good:
Congruence Day. A reminder from my daily devotional in slightly different words that There’s No ROI on Worry and a link to a video wherein a 6-year-old gives her take on handling Monsters. “They’re scared of things you like.”
Did three Big things in one day. Head-spinnies, eye-twitchies and The Bump Are Not Life Threatening, just Wait and See, according to Dr. L. And the Can-Lid Niggle has returned home. (I imagine this announcement in the English accent of the lady of the conference call service who says, “The caller…is gone.”)
What worked:
Continued appreciation. Resolving that I can get more information and adjust plans to Fit the New Reality because Nothing is Locked in Stone.
Acknowledging the feelings first and letting them be. Ha ha! The Power of Awesome Imagination kicking in. The Dire Money Situation needs to be a game with new words for the total projected income and time periods and colors for the areas of life where money must be spent (the flag is creeping up the pole and changing to a More Anxious color as I type this). But planning the As Yet Unnamed Game (is the LoL Game which stands for Living on Less) bores the monsters to tears, because there’s no living in cardboard boxes and eating cat food in it, and lowers the flag. The Dude sounded interested in playing. This is what isn’t real, but it is.
What I might try in the future?
Celebrating What Is Done. Yes, the LoL Game can replace the Dude Clobbering game.
Wrote the entire Chicken without mentioning the mysterious hard stuff in it’s own category. The Dire Money Stuff and eye-twitchies, head-spinnies.
Am putting this week’s salve in the Magic Medicine Cabinet for when I need it and using the Stone of TRUCK, now that the R stands for all the re- words.
Virtual hugs to all!
It’s late for chickening, but chicken I will. First I want to say that I am inexpressibly thrilled that chicken is a verb here.
The week was an Away Week, of which I seem to have so many that they deserve to be a thing. Wonderful seeing family. wonderful seeing flowers, bushes, and trees blooming (still not happening here in NYish). There was Hard, of course, Lots of People and Stuff and fatigue and mysterious knee pain and Revisiting Past Life. There will be more RPL this week and next, but hopefully I’ll remember I live in Present Life now. There were Slot Machines and Bowling and these aren’t even proxies. For now, back to the circus.
Happy week to all the Chickeneers!
Tuesday Chicken. (It’s a thing!!)
Hards
– sickness and grumpiness and the witnessing and making space for these things.
– that thing where their stuff/stuff-coping-mechanisms set your stuff/stuff-coping-mechanisms whizzing, and that sets their stuff/mechs spinning faster……..
– the awkward silence after you say something and then wonder if you should have just kept quiet but you can’t and won’t stay quiet because we’re done with not speaking but bloody hell this awkward silence shizzle is totes awks as well!!
– jobs that mean people have to commute and you miss them. Soul journeys that mean people have to retreat and you miss them.
– Wunderkind is trying out tantrums as a strategy. I know it will pass. It’s still kind of tedious!
– pain about all the winters I was cold because me being warm was not a priority. Whenever Now is decidedly Not Then, I get a was of sadness in the high contrast.
Goods
+ the bedrock is fast. I am safe, I am free, I am on my own team. Shame patterns- go fuck yourself, I just don’t believe your bullshit stories about WHO I AM anymore.
+ the occasional reassurance that I’m not the only one on my team.
+ being with someone who understands…. Well, intuits, that being on their own team is their actual job, that is, it’s the job that takes precedence.
+ Little Lad and Wunderkind. In general 🙂
+ stretching project and event management muscles I haven’t used in a while. Having what is the perfect gig for me right now fall in my lap. It’s my superpower. It’s a good one. I appreciate it universe!
+ the motherloving molos
+ even though I’ve left the bookshelf building intensive course, I’m feeling nostalgic rather than regretful. All timing is right timing.
+ subversive self care and silky drawers
Cluck cluck, yo Cxoxoxo