It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked this week?
Doing the opposite, still, more, again.
Same as last week, just more of it. Noticing when I’m going into habitual behavior, and playing Choose Away. Or: Do The Opposite Thing.
It is getting easier for me to come up with what the opposite thing might be, so that is reassuring.
Also: asking for superpowers. This helped.
Next time I might…
Take a day in.
It’s like a day off, but for turning inward. I would call it an emotional health day, except I hate the way that sounds, like I’m in crisis.
The day I want isn’t for crisis, it is to avoid the need for crisis by taking care of myself before I think I need to.
A sign that I need one of these: too much people time, too much decision making, not enough sleep. This week all of these happened, and I tried to Push Through and get all the work done, and if I get a do-over (superpower of Endless Do-Overs!), I’m taking a day in.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The strap on my dance shoe broke! On the dance floor. In the middle of a song. With hours of dancing left that night. A breath for disappointment and the perception of [missing out], a big theme for sad, scared Havi-from-then.
- A thing I was hoping would be very fun turned out to be monster-triggery. A breath for running into a glitch and readjusting.
- Last week I wrote: Sometimes you want a thing and you can’t have it — or at least not right now, and maybe not having it is good for you and you still desire it. A breath of comfort and letting that moment of wanting be what it is. Hahaha, this still applies, but more so.
- Missing, missing, missing. Sad heart. A breath for sitting with the void.
- Things are taking their own timing, and I am impatient. A breath for comfort, for remembering that Nothing Is Wrong.
- In the cab, the song playing was Love Isn’t Always On Time. I know. I mean, it is on time, because All Timing Is Right Timing, but this is hard to remember. Also: on time. Dance pun. Anyway. A breath of trust, and for trust.
- Old uncomfortable patterns. A breath for patience and slow healing.
- I would like way more sleep than I got this week. A breath for rest.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I fixed a thing on the computer! By myself! Normally I look it up, get overwhelmed by the horrible world of forum posts and infighting, give up, ask Richard to figure it out. I did it! A breath for ease.
- Dance and movement. Waltz brunch. Swing and foxtrot lesson. Lindy hop. West coast swing. Dance aerobics. Gazelle state. A breath for pleasure.
- While I didn’t get the response I thought I wanted, I got the response I needed. A breath for all timing is right timing, and for knowing that Nothing Is Wrong.
- Practice and more practice. Distance meditations with the Spy. Yoga nidra at Rally. Taking eight breaths. Taking it to the floor. Even the thing that was hardest about this week was easier than it could have been, and I know this is why. A breath for breath changing everything.
- Thursday night. A breath for the most delicious surprise.
- Skipping stones at Rally (Rally!), and writing as much as I want. Since I always have the perception that I don’t get to write as much as I want, this was delightful. It was Rally L, and my name was Elle and I was riding the El. A breath for asking the right questions.
- Held my first dance practicum at the Ballroom. A breath for play!
- So many good things. Found the bracelet I was dreaming about. Postcards. Lunch with Julie. Lunch with Anil. Didn’t re-injure my ankle when my dance shoe broke. Sunshine. Black pepper cashews. Things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I set up the Pop Up Practicum at the Ballroom. Operation Bell View is pretty much all set up and in place. Last week I said I had put Operation Houston It Is The Vicar on the back burner, and something about saying that immediately got me to work on it, which I did until I reached the point of Okay A Wall. Wanted to work on the Mission of Xs and Ys, and: huge progress. WHAM BOOM. WHAM BOOM.
This week is for the final touches for Operation Bell View, and for Operation Loose Ends, which needs a new name.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I had the superpower of Remembering That Nothing Is Wrong and the superpower of Changing the Pattern.
Superpowers I want.
More sexy fearlessness please.
Salve. The Salve of Nothing Is Wrong.
This salve is the most magical, to me, because it rewrites all the internal stuff and the external cultural stuff together.
I think rubbing it in will take effort because it is so thick and rich, but then it vanishes into my skin, and my entire body just breathes differently. Softens and releases.
I remember that I am not late. I am not behind. This is the exact right moment for me to be arriving at dance class, ten minutes into it. Rescheduling my appointment with M was perfect. Not cleaning the bath: well done, me who didn’t have time for it.
This one is a tricky one, because it goes against such deep conditioning. Thinking about this concept kind of breaks my brain — I know for sure that some things are very wrong! Luckily this salve works in such a way that it eases this as well. It breathes permission: I am allowed to think that past things were wrong, that wrongs in the world are wrong, and of course bigotry is always wrong and abuse is always wrong, and I don’t have to say yes to everything, and nothing is wrong with that too.
Nothing Is Wrong is about love, permission and safety. I don’t have to be able to understand how it works or how it might be true. I just put on the salve and remember: I am not late, I am not behind, I am not making bad choices. I put on the salve and return to conscious, peaceful, loving awareness: What do I want? How do I want to feel? What will help?
This salve goes beautifully with last-week’s salve of self-forgiveness, they are related.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is called Cobblestoned and Blabbergasted, they play children’s music but it’s disco! Also it is just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Humming all the hummmmmms, with extra harmony for happy things that are/will be. And with great appreciation, sending that out in the vibrations.
hmmmmmmmmmmm
Hello, Friday. Hello, Havi. Hello, y’all.
What worked? putting olives on the pizza. Leaving half for the mechanic.
Next time? run the registry cleaner sooner.
Hard, antsy-ish, etc.:
* That project I’d hoped to be done with last week? Still at it.
* Gunk. So much gunk.
* So many letters and posies in my head, waiting to be made incarnate and be-ribboned for my beloveds…
* Even when something’s just a game, I feel the mopes coming on when I lose. Especially if I had the lead at some point.
Good, encouraging, etc.:
* Recognizing the need for a hiatus and having enough freedom/confidence to respect it
* Violets and dandelions! Even the ones sprouting in the driveway. 🙂
* The tulips in both beds are on the verge of blooming. And they don’t seem to mind being overcrowded.
* Income i-cumen in. Yes!
Shabbat shalom, and warm wishes.
I don’t tend to know I’ll be taking a “day in” until I’m doing it, but it turns out to be exactly what I need rather more often than … almost feels seemly. Learning “self-care” is hard!
Have realized I’m probably never going to receive postcards from the people I wanted to receive them from, so … I went looking for people who want to both give & receive postcards, even from strangers. Found postcrossing.com – my first postcard going out to Russia! Fingers crossed that I get real snail mail back!!
Have not yet figured out where I can meet adult people who embrace enthusiasm, but working on it.
Being out and open about my challenges as a neurodiverse HSP with PTSD on Twitter, and my blog. I think it’s helping…
What worked: Reading.
Next time I might: Leave the truck parked. Follow my interests. Go more.
Hard:
Irregular sleep patterns again.
Extra pain from a torn muscle in my shoulder; I still have to push MrB’s wheelchair and lift it in and out of the car.
Outsider complex. Feeling detached from things that used to matter a lot.
Good:
A couple of young women named Joy and Katie did some things that made my life easier and I am very appreciative.
Project Gutenberg! I just finished a novel called The Haunted Pajamas and found lots more treasures.
Signs of spring at last!
Teaching.
Plans for next week besides the Usual.
MrB is feeling better, showing more initiative and being more active.
I’m very happy to have April’s salve of Effervescence! I want to slather it on everything! The salve of Nothing is Wrong seems to give it extra sparkle….
Hard stuff
– radio silence, feeling seasick
– omfgsobusythingthingthingthing week begat omfg soooo exhausted week
– parts of me quite convinced that Now is Then. See? Another run of this narrative, there comes a point where Shit IS About You and since you’re not going to change Who You Are then you just need to Adjust Your aex
D’oh!!! Stoopid iFail midnight posting blah blah ignore this double post. Ugh!! Whatevs. Cluck cluck
No “stoopid” … just “Ooops” {{{claire}}}
Hard stuff
– radio silence, feeling seasick
– omfgsobusythingthingthingthing week begat omfg soooo exhausted week
– parts of me quite convinced that Now is Then. See? Another run of this narrative, there comes a point where Shit IS About You and since you’re not going to change Who You Are then you just need to Adjust Your expectations!! You will be alone forever! Just get used to it!
– holding tight onto the thin red thread that connects me to Truth even amid these swirling waters
– I have a ginormous thinky brain and in the absence of intel I can really hear just how ginormous and thinky it really is! So many theories and possibilities to Not Engage with….
Good stuff…
+ shit is not about me
+ the angels are speaking clearly to me
+ I have a practice to practice
+ my life is full and busy and meaningful and connected. I have the resources that make compassion easy
+ my life. Everything is good. I’m grateful and ready and handling it all.
Xoxoxo
Greetings, Havi! Greetings, Chickeneers! Right on time, Nothing is Wrong. Yes. Thank you.
This week had hard. Strangely, it was not entirely as I expected it to be. Remembering the Then and Questioning the Now. This is to be expected. But the degree and the flavor… they were unexpected.
Spectacular Identity Switch. This is the mission. Another way to navigate transitions.
The hard: silent retreat. Not moving enough. Options.
The good: Friends and more friendliness. Sunshine and flowers. Options.
May the salves do their thing!
Toto! A breath of delight for Toto, one of my “guiltiest” pleasures, or it would be if I still thought guilt had a place in pleasure. ESPECIALLY that song. <3 <3 <3 to you for that!
A day after Friday chicken.
The Good:
Wonderful new clients & money.
Finishing every task, and not leaving tiny bits undone that then pile up.
Out with friends last night!
Friends who say “yes, you can totally go to Bolivia! That is a wonderful idea!”
So much sleep. mmmm.
The Curious:
Coming home last night and seeing a text from the boy who has gone away thanking me for being so nice to his daughter. Which was apropos of nothing (except maybe flowers I sent her 2 weeks ago for her birthday.) Felt: angry, annoyed, curious, glad I’d left my phone at home, interested that my heart didn’t drop. A breath for all of those things.
Hi hi hi friday friends!
Things that were less than my favorite:
– So much money going out. Ugh.
– Body stuff.
– Sometimes feeling numb. Sometimes feeling rage.
– Still looking like I might not be able to go to my bodywork retreat after all.
The lovely and fun:
+ Free HBO til Monday and watching back-to-back shows with my hubby.
+ Body work session – wowzers – i like it!
+ SALE on organic strawberries. So sweet!
+ Unexpected and longggggg iloveyousomuch hug from my wee 6yo friend. My favorite!
+ Finally found my 1099!
+ So many smiles from others as I walked through the store
Super powers I had this week:
= I can say no.
= I take time for me.
= I love reading.
Happy weekending and week beginning, All! <3
Nothing is Wrong! Oh, that is the perfect salve for me right now. Thank you.
There is a weeping cherry tree with beautiful pink blossoms just outside my window.
I had an uunexpected trip to deal with some stressful things. Still waiting for some resolution there.
New music therapy contract is aabsolutely lovely, and they have already increased my hours.
Good times with family.
What worked : Lots of transition time. Patience with other people’s stuff. Remembering that it isn’t *my* stuff, and doesn’t have to be my problem.
That cherry tree really is beautiful. I hope you have something beautiful nearby too. <3
Happy Saturnday and cluck.
Oh this fucking week. where to start?? so much hard:
-last Thursday, got very upsetting news from Paganlandia, so upsetting and triggery I can’t even name it here. Let’s call it ICK
-left work reeling from ICK, got home to find husband, whose been sck for a few weeks, needing a trip to the ER
-which became emergency surgery. they said, part pf the large intestine. They took it all. surprise, motherfucker!
-2 trips per day to hospital. continuing to work fulltime. kids dealijg with anxiety by fighting each other and refusing to help me on anything. FIL continues to smoke and tell us how many people are prayng for husband.
-work has ratcheted up a lot more work for me. permanent loss of friday off, and increased stress
-the New Normal
-petty bullshit. it made me so annoyed that after all the stress of my trip tp Miami, JUST as things are getting back to nromal, this bullshit happens and derails my whole weekend and week. No writing, no art, no going to work out. Just being at the hosptial and coming home and going to work, lather rinse repeat.
-falling behind on wizard school homework due to this, not to mention all my writing
-due to the stress, i spent most nights last week at the Shelter playing with friendly dogs. some of them were very triggery and made me wish i had not gone in there
-and my weight hit and passed the 150 pound mark. despair. see also, not going to work out
-no dancing in weeks and weeks. hate that
but there was good too;
what worked: Morning and Evening sit, exiting the day, compassing RADIANCE, morning jumps to get my blood going. white Flowers, still elusive but alwasy the right answer. SuperPower of That was easier than I thought, It’s genius it worked out this way, and I know the next thing to do. Also, Stay active
next time: more praxis, more sleep. Invoking more superpowers.
the sparkle:
-seeing how strong and calm I can be, in the midst of all this
-kids did step up a lil bit
-unexpected support
-my Black phoenix order came and it made me happy!
-a dear dear friend i have not seen in 20 years came to town and we went out and had a ball.
-wizard School. the nicer weather. New projects
-getting clear about why my Crown slipped with the Occultist. HaveCrown back on head.
Blabbergasted!! <3
It is Monday. But I am chickening now anyway. And all the good and hard seem to be running together this week, so just some breaths without classification:
A breath for being at a conference with families of terminally ill children, and for that experience being both the most good and the most hard I ever experience at one time. This year was no different.
Also, a breath for the decision to go to Boston. Because the thing which seemed like the most hard thing in the world when it happened, and sent me into anxiety and panic, turned out to also be a secret ticket to freedom.
A breath for all signs point to Boston. And finally seeing what I've been tripping over.
A breath for the me who somehow forgets all the ways she is supported. And a breath for the one who gets to remember how beautifully she is supported, in moments that sometimes take her breath away.
Happy Boston!
Two breaths (one of each) for this: Old uncomfortable patterns.
For the hard: recognizing and remembering the patterns.
For the easy, reassuring and joyous, even: spotting the releases, even as I’m spotting the patterns!
Hooray! and Happy Dancing!
Two boxes of books going to a place where they WILL find their next home… it’s another baby step.
Blessings, all ~
Hm. When this Friday came, I didn’t remember what had happened during the week, even though I took notes. The notes were meager and unhelpful.
The drawing mystic symbols on my skin using the Salve of Self-forgiveness was actually getting the Extra Large Economy Size pot and slathering it on me wherever I could reach with both hands, often. Friday morning, I had noticed the absence of Regrets when I thought of a situation in the past that usually triggers them. Upon further examination, the Feelings that thinking of certain situations triggers have become Memories of Feelings. Hello, Memories of Feelings. You are soft and kind and are not painful. I can think and talk about the situations and you, Memories of Feelings.
Happy tears.
Clucking hugs to all.
It is Chickentime, because I have declared it so, and so it shall be, l’olam va’ed.
For the interval of time The Great Chicken of Chickenliness has declared to be relevant, the following notes are made, and clues are clued, in Codeliest of Code.
Gnawsome: fucking Space Opera and its waaaaaahwaaahhhness
Awesome: I at least *wrote* the Green Grant Glop Greport
Awesome: Songza <3
Awesome: My final Poinsettia Display. Spec Fucking Tacular.
Awesome: Cooking cooking cooking cooookkiiiing
Gnawsome: [Crabbing] heavily, bleh
Awesome: Go team Star Fleet!
Awesome: Thanking Grandma a lot
Gnawsome: weak on the JAW. bleh. Permission to have been weak this week. Permission slip for weakweekness.
Awesome: Agent Lucelli, ENERGIZE!!!!!
Awesome: SnSq, ENERGIZE!!!!
Awesome: Purplewobble REINCARNATES!
Awesome: good times at Cat Wrangle Central
Awesome: Ender’s Game! Holycrap! OH GOD I LOVE READING.
As the new [Interval] approaches and I [Chord] into it, I give myself the gift of Breath Support.
1. BREATH SUPPORT for [Op (Exploratory): Nursery Rhyme]
2. BREATH SUPPORT for [The Mask of Voldemort]
3. BREATH SUPPORT for [how excited I am about Op: Jumpy Puppy and how much my WHOLE BODY wants EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS]
4. BREATH SUPPORT for [making peace with Space Opera]
5. BREATH SUPPORT for [letting n=1]
6. BREATH SUPPORT for [Op: Lunarcraft Shuttlecock]
7. BREATH SUPPORT for [Op (TOPSECRET): Ear Lobes.]
8. BREATH SUPPORT for [Taking Out The Trash].