It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
You guys! You guys! THREE HUNDRED CONSECUTIVE WEEKS OF CHICKEN.
We are having a party. Except since I am an introverted hider and can’t handle parties, it is more like: we are celebrating very quietly and there are balloons and streamers and we are all saying (yay).
If you had told me three hundred chickens ago that I would stick with this for years, and that it would become an amazing safe space for so many of us to process and share, and that I would have real-life friends that I met through Friday-Chickening, I would never have believed it. But here we are, and it is beautiful.
What worked this week?
Two (two!) transition days.
Operation Bell View ended on Sunday night but I built in TWO entire days for recovery.
I hid out at Agent Rosie’s safe house, and it was basically the best thing in the entire world.
There was a bathtub and there were cute dogs and there was a warm, soft bed, which I basically didn’t get out of for two whole days, except to take long baths and then go right back to sleeping.
Thank you, Agent Rosie for offering this, and thank you, past-me, for saying yes. This whole experience was treasure, which is related to the secret mission of Operation Bell View: What Happens When I Treasure Myself?
It turns out that taking time to recover from an intense experience not only is treasure (and treasuring myself, which is more treasure), but it enhances my ability to reveal-and-receive the treasures of the experience itself.
Next time I might…
Ask.
Asking resulted in so many good things for me this week. For example, I asked on the blog for a ride to Bellevue for Operation Bell View and I got one. Also I asked the hotel to call me if they found my sweater in the ballroom, and they did.
Also not asking worked well for me: Agent Rosie offered me a safe house that I didn’t even know I needed.
However, right now I am noticing that I only ask for help once I have Exhausted All The Other Options. I would like to see what happens when I ask for help and support as a practice.
Asking sooner. Not attached to the result. Just finding out what my options are instead of trying to do it all myself and only asking when I am completely sure I can’t manage on my own.
Also: noticing all the beautiful unasked for things, saying thank you for them, replicating them. For example, Agent Rosie left a gallon jug of water on my bedside table: what a gift. The dance convention provided fans (of the kind you wave), another gift.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Hahaha, recovery is hard work. I mean, on the surface what I’m doing doesn’t look like hard work: napping and taking baths. But all the stuff happening below and inside. Big movement. Big thoughts. Big decisions surfacing. A breath for process, and for trusting the process.
- Triggered. A breath for remembering that Now Is Not Then.
- The Spy is going away on a very long secret op (very long, as in: years) that will involve zero contact with the outside world. Not for a while, but there is a date, and it is happening. I feel so joyful for him, I am thrilled about this incredible opportunity, and I support his mission wholeheartedly. And I am going to miss the hell out of him. A breath for letting go.
- I want a thing, and do not currently see how it is possible for me to pursue it. A breath for honoring desire, giving it space, trust, patience.
- On the way back from Operation Bell View I ordered a salad (spinach, goat cheese, walnuts, strawberries). The menu didn’t say candied walnuts, but they were! I haven’t eaten sugar in fourteen years and two months, and half a walnut launched me into a heart-pumpingly high hyper ride that made the three hour journey back to Portland very….interesting. And jittery. A breath for an unexpected, unpleasant, scary moment.
- I have more intel about what I want, but it involves More Work, and I do not want More Work, and I do not know how to make this happen any other way. A breath for waiting for more intel.
- Unexamined sexism showing up all over the place at the dance convention, and went completely unchallenged. It drove me crazy, and even more crazy when you mention it to people and they have no idea what you’re talking about, aren’t bothered by it, and their suggestions for how to handle it are just absurd. A breath for frustration, and for a whole world that needs to change, and needs all of us to be a part of that change.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Operation Bell View! It was even more amazing than I allowed myself to wish for. I had lots of conflicted thoughts about going. Now I have zero conflicted thoughts: it was 100% the best thing ever, and I am so glad I did it. A breath for gratitude, pleasure, over-the-top bliss.
- BUBBLINESS! The superpower of Effervescence from the Calendar of Salves has kicked in for me big time. I have basically been feeling bubbly all week. Bubbly and calm, a beautiful combination. A breath for appreciation.
- I was able to go to a four day dance convention, an insanely intense experience, and really and truly take care of myself the entire time. I gave myself permission to skip everything that wasn’t good for my force field (competitions, performances, hanging out, elevators). I took naps and gave myself yoga and put myself in the bath at every possible opportunity. A breath for having finally learned to treasure this body that is my home.
- Going to bed at 8 so I could get up at 2:30am and dance. Dancing until 6:30 in the morning. A breath for pleasure.
- A champion dancer asked me to dance. Twice. And then we did. Which is kind of like saying, a unicorn asked me to dance and then we danced. It was fun. Haha, fun. Fun is a tiny, stupid, useless word that doesn’t even begin to describe it. It was incredible. Now I know what people mean when they describe a dance as transcendent, taking you to another place. I can’t really describe it, but it was kind of like being suspended in time? If time = delight? Or cocaine? Magic cocaine delight time suspension? Words are not the equal of this experience. It was like floating, but also like moving through a rich liquid, and as everything my body did was perfect because the signals were so clear that I was feeling what was happening instead of doing what I was being told. A breath for remembering forever what that felt like.
- A long recovery bath that was nothing short of life-changing. A breath for letting go and letting go and letting go.
- My purple sweater! It is my favorite sweater, and I left it in the ballroom at the hotel last Thursday night. Went to the hotel Lost and Found every day, nothing. Sunday morning I filled out an inquiry form at the desk in case they found it. By Tuesday afternoon when I hadn’t heard anything, I let it go and had my sad and wished that whoever has it receive much joy from it. An hour later there was a message from the hotel: they found it! The superpower of All That Is Mine Returns To Me. Thank you. A breath for this sweet miracle.
- So much appreciation and thankfulness. Solomon, who gave me a ride while his dog napped on my lap and we listened to the rain. Everyone who danced with me at Seattle Easter Swing. A late night conversation with a friend in the desert. Agent Rosie’s beautiful dogs. Long Slow Deep in the hotel room. The red bracelet. The back-up shoes. Having packed the exact right amount of snacks. Getting lots of writing done on the bus. The Spy getting his good news during Operation Bell View: our missions were connected. The best welcoming-home. Things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I completed Operation Bell View. It was amazing. Still working on Operation KLM and Sea Sky Dance Play. Big progress on the Mission of Xs and Ys. WHAM BOOM.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I had the superpower of taking exquisite care of myself (I have wanted this one forever, see previous chickens!), and the superpower of Knowing When.
Superpowers I want.
Welcome confidence. Both in the sense that I welcome confidence, and that I feel welcome and confident, and that these are related.
And the superpower of Extreme Sexy Fearlessness is working for me, so I will re-seed that one as well.
Salve. The Salve of Everything is a Salve.
A very special salve for our three hundredth Chicken, and this salve is a little meta, yes.
When you rub this salve into your skin, you suddenly remember that everything contains qualities, and everything holds the possibility for healing.
So then you go through your day and you are surrounded by salves. A breath of fresh air fills you with Possibility. Touching the wall grounds you with Steadiness. Rubbing your hands releases a chain reaction of Sweetness. Washing your hands activates Release.
Suddenly you are surrounded by all the right salves. That sign on the storefront that says OPEN is secretly a salve of Opening. That red stoplight is a salve of Rest.
This salve is a key, because it unlocks secret translations. The truth is, everything already was a salve. But once you dip your fingers into the Salve of Everything Is A Salve, you can feel all the other salves….
Enjoy.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is also from Lucky Lola (like last week), and also from Maryann and the Vicar, and it is called Bunny Fufu and the Candy Corvettes.
They play rockabilly striptease music (think slow jive), and actually they are just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Oh Havi! Celebrating 300 with you.
And admiring the way you treasure yourself. I tell you, it is as delicious to experience by proxy, witnessing your treasuring as it is to do it myself.
Xoxox and more ya us for the return of the favorite sweater.
Laissez les trois cents poulets! Oh, you know what I mean. 🙂
Hard: Hmmm, not so much, actually! The coughing thing is getting old. Shoes were thrown.
Good: Potential for new clients. Progress towards opening the swimming pool for the season. (We have a swimming pool?! I’m going to be able to swim at home? This is something new.) I am taking a free six week course which is lovely so far. We had people over for a luscious dinner, and everyone loved my Chinese cole slaw.
I now invoke the superpower of Every Experience Is Richer As Soon As I Decide That It Is! Happy weekend, one and all. <3
Hurray for quiet celebrations, and the reasons for them!
(I have enjoyed the experience of dancing with a great dancer as well, and I loved your description of it, Havi.)
What worked this week? Simplifying. Sleeping. Accepting that not all research will lead to results.
Next time?
* Permission to consider just 2-3 options instead of 12.
* Pack less. Order less. Schedule less.
Things to breathe through and away:
1. Feeling down on a restaurant my husband likes because of their handling of a cultural issue.
2. I don’t like telephones to begin with, but during election season? Ye gods and fishes on bicycles.
3. Repeatedly boggled and sometimes plain insulted by encounters with people who didn’t do their homework.
4. The dog killed a very large possum and then threw up parts of it on the kitchen floor.
5. My efforts to over-winter the hollyhocks and hydrangea seem to have been for naught.
6. Rude clerk at local garden store.
7. Those icky, itch-making demons that so enjoy needling me about paths I could’ve taken when I read about people half my age earning four times as much…
Gladsomeness and goodness:
1. Plenty of other local garden stores to explore, including the one at last night’s reception with spectacular hanging baskets (and from whom I bought two mosquito plants).
2. Still cool enough to sow lettuce.
3. Most of the hollyhocks that lived in my study over the winter are still doing fine.
4. Silver microbial solution is wondrous stuff.
5. Receiving my 100-hours-of-service pin from the hospital, and also five “bonus bucks” (aka free, big bag of watercress from one of the vendors at the reception/fair. It doesn’t actually take much to make me very happy…). And also posing for a very silly picture with my two supervisors.
6. My sweetie did his own laundry for the first time since October! Another milestone reached!
7. Being able to honor obligations. Being able to choose among distractions. 🙂
With warm wishes to all y’all. Shabbat shalom.
Hello Chicken!
Awesome: I am handling this Space Opera Drama sooooo well. ALL THE SPARKLEPOINTS FOR ME.
Gnawsome: Losing my FUCKING TOENAIL. OW OW OW AND THEN MORE OW.
Gnawsome: Missing the TO workshop because of TOENAIL.
Awesome: Op: Sky Blankets! SO MAGICAL!
Gnawsome: That dumb soul sucking article, ahahahaahhaa what the fuckery
Awesome: BUNNIES BUNNIES BUNNIES
Awesome: Special Buffet!
Awesome: ahhhhhhh I love my classes this quarter SO MUCH
Awesome: I can stay at L’Hotel!
Awesome: the gig at [Picadilly]!
Gnawsome: Agent Burger is leaving and I feel sad about this
Awesome: foot seems to be ok now, thank god
Awesome: Hello Alphabet Ship!
Awesome: the new upDATE ritual!
Awesome: trying new things on the Menu!
Awesome: jiggity-JIG! 🙂
Yes. Feeling Groovy.
Noticing the INTENSITY of the forthcoming week. Giving myself the gift of Healing Breath. MMmmmmmmmmhmmmm.
LOVE!!
Bon Jour poulets cosmiques! Cluque.
the mysterious:
-mingraines, day after day. a breath for not making good choices that kept them away, a breath for allowing myself to be soooo Dee, Pleated that I had 5 days of migraines
-misunderstandings and hard words with husband. all out of spoons with the kids.
-a breath for feeling Dee, Pleated, and unsupported
-a breath for the on going identity work and all the fucking stuck of it, a breath of frustration and lack of progress and feeling down on myself
-a breath for not liking my body, for my weight which keeps going up and my body which is stronger and healthier but isn’t showing the results I wanted
-a breath for wondering why I’m getting nowhere in so many ways
-the Mystery of the STrange Phone Calls. a breath for worry
-a breath for feeling like I’m missing out and not being able to go to the party. a breath for knowing that this is okay, and a sign of treasuring myself, but still feeling guilty and not okay about it.
-the Return of the Occultist. I was doing a good job closing nthat door, then I opened it a crack and bam, back in the house. a breath for not being sure how I feel about this
-so much work, all the time
-so much writing that I’m not doing
and the sparkle:
-husband on the mend. kids really engaged in helping me and being s lil kinder to each other
-omg the weather! joy!
-spring! joy!
-the apple trees are blooming! joy!
-a mental health day. omg soooooo needed.
-working out. hit a runner’s high and really felt great. making progress and getting good enough to set goals and milestones. a breath for improving
-grateful because all the working out, yoga dn pilates have completely improved the old hip issues. a breath for movement and mobility!
-dancing!
-an invite to a wild party and knowing where I can play and where I wont
-Treasure! it’s on my mind, especially Treasuring myself. what would it look like if… a breath for excellent well tending
-practice. even in a bad week, still strong
– a return to more dancing
-several enormous clews coming toegtehr
-I like how I picked a Tarot card for each month, and each month’s quality is really helping me. April’s card is 2 Discs: Reflection. doing that
-lots of process and journaling. lots of good internal work, lots of fFruitful Invstigations and more to come.
-getting ready to kick off some newe projects. a breath for entering as I wish to be in it, with joy, curious and enthusiasm
-shhhhh I wrote for 20 minutes on the novel. shhhhh!
Shabat shalom and cluck!
Happy 300th Chicken!!
The Lovely:
Leaving the house on a Thursday night to go paint. I had some “you can’t go out this late on a Thursday because you have clients in the morning and will be anxious about it so you need to stay home and do nothing” moments. But I remembered that it was past me who felt like that, and, no offense, but past me was anxious about *everything.* So, I made it part of my practice to investigate what going out felt like. And it was wonderful! First, because I scurried around and did all my morning prep work before I left which future me is so thankful for, and because paint night is the funnest thing ever!
The perfect magical solution to a work problem. Oh I love it when that happens.
Thanks yous from clients about how calming I am for them. And knowing that it is true, and that I worked so hard on calming myself and can now share that. Unpacking, divvying up the load and throwing out what we don’t need.
Flowers. At the office, at home. Everywhere.
The Curious:
The lack of a gentleman friend to lean against.
So many happy chickens, an entire flock of them, clucking and talking among themselves. Congratulations, Havi, and also brava brava for taking the time to take good care of yourself and for silent celebrations and rejoicings!
Thank you for providing this ritual, this space, this modeling!
My chickens went away to roost and I’m looking around to find them. Hmmm…
The good: two weeks of Weaving a Cocoon, a Cocoon of Splashing and All the Words. The hard: Still So Much Sadness and Imposted Identities. The good: seeing friends. The hard: searching for time. Not sure if good too, but definitely hard: Searching for Ops. Here there be Monsters.
But meanwhile, Happy Happy Weekends to All the Chickeneers!
Three hundred amazing chickens! Cluckety-cluck! I’m coming out of silently playing along to say yay!
The hard of the week just past:
– Thievery, and not just the fact of the thievery but also all the time and effort and paperwork and brainpower required to mitigate the effects of said thievery and to maintain a state of vigilance post-thievery.
– Servicepeople of the household fix-it type completely unresponsive to phone calls. I want to hire you and give you money, people. Call me back already.
– Lots to do, but somewhat lacking in motivation this week. Wanted to head into next week a little bit ahead of the game, workwise, but it’s not going to happen.
The good of the week just past:
– Fun, smart, interested, and engaged group of students at my presentation on Wednesday. I wish all my student groups were this awesome.
– A couple of really good meals and restorative outings.
– Spring is finally sproinging, in the garden, the trees, the woods…
Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
“A breath for remembering forever what that felt like.” Deep heart sigh for that joy.
300 chickens! ( Yay!) I’ve blown up a balloon and am batting it around the room to celebrate.
Hard things this week were hard. The separate letters to me and MrB. The internet thing that didn’t’ work. Again. Hard news about MrB’s health. Again.
Good things this week: My friend BB. Finally it’s spring. Surprise visit from in-laws. The Butler. Continuation class. Possibility of good/interesting things in the near future.
Three Hundred Chickens! That’s amazing! I am dancing at my desk with purple headphones on in celebration.
You said:
taking time to recover from an intense experience …enhances my ability to reveal-and-receive the treasures of the experience itself
YES! Recovery is part of exit, for me. I am unavailable for social anything after any intense experience, always. Dinner before the movie / show / concert, not after. And so on.
I hadn’t put it into words, but I have a deep knowing about this.
Three hundy…wow! I love what you did with the streamers…and the incredible degree to which you self-cared. Menny, menny reasons to celebrate!
Hard:
– So much pain inside that needs to come out. So painful and debilitating when it does.
– Being a zombie for 3 days bc of said pain seeping out.
– hating being married (yes i said it!) bc of all this stuff that funks out the filter I see my life and husband through
– poor husband, he’s not even instigating any of it. I am lashing out. Sad face. Feeling ashamed of myself.
Better and good;
– maybe hypnotherapy and body work will support me and my inner work. Found great practitioners. And one takes my insurance!
– taking action to align myself with my true nature when it comes to work. This feels like hope and fresh air.
-more affection from my cat shows me how he’s learning to trust, too. I love that.
-fields of daffodils, homemade popcorn on the stove, afternoon naps, time with my bestie sipping tea and sharing stories.
Looking forward to chicken #311 so I can again come here to celebrate my “beautiful disaster” of a life. <3
Happy Friday, and many tiny, quiet yays for 300 Chickens doing a Burlesque dance to the rockabilly stylings of Bunny Fufu and the Candy Corvettes! Much love to Havi, for starting this ritual, and to the Chickeneers, Beloved Lurkers, and everyone here for co-creating it.
What worked? Allowing myself to edit, and prune, and re-edit, and let go of, my to do lists. Mental, most of them, seemingly never-ending sometimes. Marking and feeling satisfaction with every single thing that I did. I put x together, and that is a win, and the fact that I forgot to take x with me does not detract from my win.
What might I try? Looking at the numbers more frequently. Write about my relationship with the numbers on the Floop.
Good: Had lots of time off this week, and many doctor’s appointments. Yay for badly-needed things getting done! Yay for extra rest! A thousand sparkle-points to me.(Related:I had a small group of elementary students pick alter-egos, and one boy was Sparkles the Unicorn. True story.)
Ugh: Falling into the same ditch, over and over and over again. A million sparklepoints for me, for experiencing/surviving that, and for noticing.
-o-
Ooooh, transcendent dancing with amazing dance partners. <3
The Hard:
-Rejections on the jobs. A breath for perceived rejection and various old pains triggered of being "too smart" and overqualified.
-Hypermobility? A breath for a new piece of information and possibly a new relationship with my body and my yoga practice.
-Improv. Still trigger-y. A breath for noticing old patterns and trauma.
-Perceiving pressure to find work SOON. The sense that I might be willing to settle on something that is not a right fit. A breath for balancing needs and wants.
-Boston has not solved all the problems. Things are WAY better and I am much happier. But I still have work to do on figuring out how to take care of my extrovert self. A breath for accepting myself as I am.
-Worrying about being myself and whether my blog/social media presence makes me unhireable. A breath for outsider syndrome.
-Anxiety. Anxiety is hard. I would like more and better tools for coping with this. A breath for noticing where I am.
The Good:
-Rejections on the jobs. The universe is taking care of me and ushering me towards the actual right thing for me. I know this, even though sometimes I forget.
-All the newcomer specials at the yoga studios + some really amazing teachers. Really enjoying exploring the options in this area. Also, yoga with other people around… so energizing for the extrovert.
-Improv! So funny! So fun! Such good people! Lots of group exercises so I wasn't immediately thrown in front of a room. Not having to get up in front of the room AT ALL!
-Friends. I haz them. They are great.
-I live here now. This is kind of my mantra. It is good. It is a thing I have wanted for so long, and it is very good.
-Some work. A very part-time thing, but it means enough money coming in for the next two weeks to pay the important bills. A breath for safety.
-Shavasana is a doorway. This felt important. I'm not sure why, so I'm planting it here.
-Networks. People on my team. Helping me be employed in the right ways. Remembering that I still have this superpower.
Oh week. You have been a week. On to the next!
Shavasana is a doorway. That feels important to me, too. Thank you, Sarah.
Yay, happy 300!! I am picturing an Alice-in-Wonderland-style tea party.
I am sending bucketloads of sleepy chicken love for the entire chicken phenom, the whole damn kit and kaboodle, what! It’s been frightfully fun playing with the chickeneers and a jolly good show all round, really, I say!
While I am too sleepy to chicken right now you may have noticed a touch of liguistic jocundity about and I want you to know that I hold Wodehouse, Laurie and Fry entirely responsible and curse the dratted lot of them really! There have been many hours spent enjoying the antics of Jeeves and Wooster this week and that’s no mistake!
anyway….. happy 300th old duck. Or chicken. Poultry of some kind anyway, what what!
(very good, sah…)
Asking. Asking before all other options are exhausted. Wow. Asking before I get to last resort has never occurred to me. Wow.
Throwing confetti and bubbles for 300 chickens!
I know! It is blowing my mind as a concept, and all the jewish-guilt-monsters are like WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT
Wheeeee to the three hundred chickens!
Finishing the Lenture! Phase 2 of Operation Safe House is done and Phase 3 is under way and it is perfect. And I have completed the proposal for the Mermaid Cultural Exchange project, and that is, now I come to think about it, the biggest thing I have ever done in my life.
Naps. Naps are so good. And there is no reason why one should not get into bed at half past three in the afternoon, even if it is Safe House day.
Now Is Not Then, and hurrah for it. Now is like Then, but the things that were awful about Then are not the case Now.