It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked this week?
When I assume there is an easier way….
Each time I caught myself agreeing to make things complicated (okay, first I need to find out what A’s schedule is, then when B has time, then coordinate between them, possibly involving agreement from C), I paused.
I reminded myself that I don’t have to solve everything for everyone, and that there is an easier way. And then I found it.
A lot of times the easier way involves trusting that if I say what works for me, other people will either work with that or give me more intel about what they need.
Next time I might…
Say thank you to everything.
Tiny thank yous. It is always a good response.
And more asking before I need help. Something that came up this week was noticing how many deeply ingrained rules I have against this, so I would like to give that some loving attention.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Neighbors feuding, loudly. A breath for ease and speedy resolution.
- Low energy. Tired. A breath for trusting that this is okay.
- Knowing that the Spy is going to be unreachable and out of touch in all forms for three and a half years. He’s going all Rip Van Winkle. It’s a winkle in time. Sorry. Anyway. I want to keep my focus on how special it is to have him in my life right now, not on how much I will miss him, but that’s where my mind is: how much it will hurt. A breath for letting go.
- Too much work. The Ballroom and the Fluent Self and personal stuff and writing stuff and home stuff and problem-solving. A breath for spaciousness, and for trust.
- Allergies. A breath for comfort and more letting go.
- Lots of anxious feelings about upcoming travel. Going into my stuff. Forgetting that Now Is Not Then. Unearthing uncomfortable memories about times when I needed support and it wasn’t there. A breath for steadiness and anchoring.
- Much too much time with people. Not enough time going where the rock is, as Sam would say. A breath for quiet.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The Guns N Rollers 80s prom at the Ballroom was awesome. And I got to dress up. A breath for play.
- Many wonderful conversations this week, about dance and about quiet and about many interesting things. A breath for friendship.
- Dance workshops all weekend! Nightclub two step fusion: mixing in patterns from east coast swing. 20s Charleston. It was a good time. A breath for the pure pleasure of throwing myself into learning.
- It’s finally warm enough to have yoga in the backyard. A breath for my favorite ritual, and twigs in my hair.
- Getting better at dancing, I can feel it. A breath for pleasure.
- Taking Tuesday off and spending the entire day in bed. A breath for how wonderful this felt.
- Despite all the panicking and overwhelm, huge progress is being made on a number of different ops. A breath for remembering this.
- So much appreciation and thankfulness. This amazing community here. The east coast swing crowd who have been so warm and welcoming to me even though they know I’m only there when I’m cheating on west coast. Flowers in the garden. Apologetic firemen. Friends. Long Slow Deep. Richard. Avoiding the 6. Things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Wham Boom! Operation Three Times Thank You. I also did a bunch of things I have been avoiding forever, and they were easier than I thought. Now two thirds of the way through Operation KLM, and making some changes to Operation Sea Sky Dance Play. Big, big, wonderful progress on the Mission of Xs and Ys.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I had the superpower of knowing when to ask for a hug, and the superpower of renaming things. Packing is now Provisioning, as in setting up provision/s for incoming-me.
Superpowers I want.
Same as last week: Welcome confidence. Both in the sense that I welcome confidence, and that I feel welcome and confident, and that these are related. And more Extreme Sexy Fearlessness please.
I would also like, while I’m asking, the superpower of remembering that however it turns out, it is going to be okay.
Salve. The Salve of Requirement.
In the world Harry Potter there was a Room of Requirement at Hogwarts: a hidden room that was only there when you needed it most and held for you exactly what you needed in that moment.
This is a salve that works like that room, but with qualities.
When you rub this salve into your skin, the qualities you need the most in that moment dissolve into you in the exact right amount and the exact right way.
You don’t need to know what you need, it will just be there: Trust. Strength. Forgiveness. Delight. Surrender. Agility. Pleasure. Presence. It is a salve of Sustenance and it is whatever you need it to be. Enjoy.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band by way of autocorrect! They’re loud and angry, they mostly play in basements and they’re called Rip Can Pinkle. And as it turns out, they are just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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Best. Salve. Ever! Thank you.
Hard stuff:
–Daughter is going through some hard stuff, and I wish I could just wave my magic wand and make it better, and I can’t.
–I have found a place with the best sushi ever; alas, it is also the most expensive sushi ever. I had two pieces, and I am obsessed.
–Okay, I knew that having and maintaining a swimming pool would be expensive, but holy crap. And now the pump is broken. I don’t know if we can even do this.
Good stuff:
–A lovely day at the zoo with my mother and nephews.
–Very satisfying music therapy sessions with current clients, and a new client starting next week!
–Dozens of reminders that I am loved and that I matter.
–Excellent weather.
–Singing!
Wow, apparently my monsters really want you all to know that I have *not* been spending all my money on expensive sushi; I have only been wishing that I could. Okay, monsters; they know, they know. <3
Your monsters are definitely related to my monsters. What a noisy, noisy breed they are.
*slips wasabi-colored kazoos into the monster negotiator’s messenger bag*
Thank you! 🙂
Wasabi-colored kazoos! The best thing ever!
Today’s clew: an embroidered pattern named Barcelona.
Next week? an invisible Now Is Not Then bracelet.
Breathing through…
* healthcare headaches
* grappling with grams of sugar
* phone spam
Breathing thanks for…
* happy arrangements
* standing bow pose
* iguanas out the door = money into my purse
Shabbat shalom. Warm wishes to all y’all.
Breathing through…
– horrifying traumatizing thing happening to my darling friend and being there to witness it without being able to do anything about it.
– my wounded heart getting poked at again and again. painful marvelling at how someone’s love (longed for and reciprocated) can hurt so much. wanting and letting go and identity changing and incoming soveriegnty not quite feeling comfortable yet.
– i notice howsleep is becoming so much harder. I have anger about this in itself and sadness about how my body is becoming more foreign as I get older
– allergies from hell like they hit every spring.
– family drama. sigh.
– so much is changing and I am relaxed and patient about the process but you know what would also be really nice? a fast-forward button. a heart-sigh for my wishes.
Breathing thanks for..
– My loves are in Michigan and so am I, visiting them, and there was much laughter and hugs and platonic love-making.
– I got to cook SO MUCH. and I felt like me.
– I am in Traverse City! where it is peaceful and lovely and I am with my friend and we did nothing but delightful things.
– People appreciating me.
– I came up with a new rule. People who have treated me like shit do not get to be nice to me again. They do not get to benefit from my excessive-by-default compassion. This is a sovereignty practice for someone like me who is prone to giving and forgiving excessively, whose impulse it is to blame myself rather than anyone else for anything. People who have already shown themselves to be cruelly indifferent to my emotional well-being do NOT get a second chance, which is another way of saying i acknowledge and open myself up to ONLY being around people — plenty of people! — for whom I do not have to do a complicated calculus of risk-versus-reward because they simply love me and treat me well and well of course it is like that. I articulated this new rule to myself and while it does not come without some pain, it feels very clean and right and consistent with incoming me and I am proud of myself. SIMONE IS A LOVELY SPARKLING RAY OF CHOCOLATE MILK-FLAVORED LIGHT, or something, and she deserves to be treated exquisitely by everyone who enters her life. damnit. a breath for golden boundaries.
– so many people love me and this is an amazing feeling, thank you for love-reminders.
Mwah!! This is a love reminder!
Simone deserves to be treated exquisitely by everyone in her life, dammit!
Hugs!
I’ve spent much of the week in the Fluent Self archives. There is so much wisdom and comfort there! Thank you, Havi, for the amazing things you’ve written.
I love the Salve of Requirement; I will be using it liberally in May. I’m imagining that it also smells like whatever I require — chocolate, lavender, old books, Mom’s homemade chicken soup, Nelson’s cappuccinos…
This has been another week where most of my time has been given over to the medical needs of MrB, and to my teaching. I love my students; I love teaching; thank God I get to do it! My friend BB recommended me to a potential new student for private classes.
A good ending to the week: MrB had a cardiac cath and, despite the pain and anomalies found in other tests, his heart is substantially unchanged from the last time one was done, several years ago. The relief of knowing that the scariest possibilities have been eliminated!
I received support via the internet and in person and by phone. I appreciate so much the people who are holding me now as I hold MrB (and he holds me, too).
Love to all the chickeneers.
Mmmmm I love the idea that it has the smell you need (or of what you need) too, that is perfect.
This salve has SO much appeal. I shall take it in all available forms.
Also I found myself JUST NOW doing that thing of spontaneously letting other people sort out the complications. It felt AMAZE. .
A Saturday Chicken because Friday was spent at the ER vet with a cat. Which was not one of the hard things, except when it was 1:00 a.m. and I wanted us to go home and they were looking for special kibble for 15 minutes.
The Hard:
meeting a new gentleman but knowing he is not the right gentleman. again.
The Good:
Finding lovely new space for the practice, and finding the right person to share it with.
Happy spreadsheets. Happy me looking at spreadsheets.
Not having to stay out until 1:00 a.m. tonight.
What worked?
Going anyway.
Resting all week and letting myself be sick and tired.
Next Time I’ll Try:
Listening quietly when I think what I’m nervous about is looking fat for my date.
The good:
– the move is done, and things are finding places to live
– the goodbyes *were* Good Byes
– I have a new name, and I love it
The hard:
– fresh infestation of brain slugs
– the spiral of second-, third-, fourth- and fifth-guessing myself and everyone else
– terror of People, making it difficult to tell whether they were my people or not
What worked?
– saying what was going on in my head, or, when I couldn’t do that, saying that stuff *was* going on in my head
– naps. All the naps.
– asking for help
I like this week’s salve, because I am tired and my brain is tired, and having to know what I need before I can get it has been so tiring.
It’s a sunday chicken because. Cluck.
the hard:
-it was a hard week, migraines migraines migraines.
-then i ran out of meds
-friday was precisely the type of over-scheduld day i hate: one kid here, another there, my doc, an orthodontist and rwady to b picked up at 1 with youngest kid to go to
-girl scout camping trip. with all th GS from our schools. a ral physcial challennge and total intro-vert ovrload. good heavens
-bullshit from husband upon my return. i hate that he misss me but it doesnt translate to diffrent behavior
-th same dishes i left in the drishwasher on fri, still there whn i got back. just higher piles f dirty ones waiting to go in. sooooo angry about this.
– so fucking tired.
the sparkle:
-kid and i had a great time
-i met th coolst woman, yoga instructor compltly awsome. turns out sh lives aross th street. a brath for answerd prayers.
-finding th most awsome thrift shop in tabrnash, colorado. omg depression glass and a leather skirt for 12 bucks.
i love this salve. it remninds m of Mary Poppins’ “tonic” which was whatver you liked best. Very Horn of Dagda, and I love it!