It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked this week?
Playing the game of X Things That Don’t Completely Suck.
I played this at the Floop, and it was perfect.
The game is based on a game I used to play at Thanksgiving.
But that game had a lot of lentils and on the Floop we were naming just 7 things that are not horrible. This is a good game for me to play, and a good way for me to play it, especially in the midst of Stuff.
Here were my 7 things:
Beeswax candles. This pillow Briana made me that is the best gift ever and always makes me think of her and smile. Richard is the best at bandaging hurts. Portland lindy society might be doing an event at my ballroom! Maybe emily will be in michigan when I’m in michigan, or if not we will be in the same time zone and we can text. The first two weeks of missing someone always hurt the most, so I am ALREADY HALFWAY THROUGH the hurting-est part. And: I am buying things that will help with my dancing blisters which means I can do more dancing, because dancing makes everything better.
It helped. More than I thought it would.
Next time I might…
Look at the notes!
I love Rally (Rally!), and it always makes for deeper, bigger, different realizations than I am expecting. As Agent Anna says, the first rule of Rally is expect the unexpected.
Anyway, even though I have now rallied FORTY-SOME Rallies, I forget this. And I also forget to expect the expected too:
After Rally there is this period of integration and decompressing, and it takes longer than I think it will. So I tend to think, “Okay, Rally was amazing, and now I’m going to go to aerobics and pick up the mail and do a bunch of things I didn’t get to this week because of Rally!”
And then very quickly it becomes clear that actually I am going to crawl into bed and hide for two or three days. There are lots of notes on this in the Book of Havi Bell. I want to make a point of leaving myself a reminder at Rally to not try and do anything after Rally.
It’s in the BORK (the Book of Rally Keys), because I’ve written about this a lot. But I need a reminder for me. Or maybe not. Maybe I just need to keep re-learning this one, over and over, until it lands.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Off my dance game. Or: perceiving that I am off. Having trouble dancing with people I usually have great dances with. Crisis of confidence. A breath for trusting the process.
- Letting someone out of my life was the right move, and it hurts. Unbearable levels of missing. A breath for healing.
- A consequence of this letting go: noticing how much need I have for better systems of emotional support. A breath for finding the treasure in this.
- A number of people I care about having big, scary health crises. A breath for love and for wishing.
- Forgetting that nothing is wrong, forgetting to take eight breaths, forgetting that love is not separate from me. A breath for remembering, the work of life.
- Everything changing. Seeing all the ways that I do not treasure myself. A breath for comfort.
- Some stuff happening at the chocolate shop that I find absolutely infuriating and don’t know how to resolve yet. A breath for waiting to see what the next step is.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I made some tough decisions, and that was right, and I could feel it was right. A breath for trust.
- An epiphany about rollerskating (proxy!) helped me get so much done this week. How much done? So much done. WHAM BOOM. Everything on my scary list, including two projects that have been on the back burner for what seems like forever. A breath for sneaking around the hard.
- Friends. Richard, Emily, Naomi, Heather, Agent Em Dee, people showing up. A breath for remembering that there is love and more love and even more love.
- Nothing is wrong. A breath for remembering this and for my life work about remembering this.
- I had a marvelous time at the Spring Dance even while in my stuff about dancing. And on Wednesday I was not in my stuff about dancing, and was able to just enjoy. And then I danced with someone I always dance with who always ends the dance with the standard “thank you for the dance”. And this time he said: “Oh wow that was just wonderful!” A breath for pleasure and delight in life.
- Here’s something: I am handling things really well, considering. A breath for now is not then.
- I am on an adventure right now! On my way to southern Oregon for a dance convention. A breath for the passage and the crossing.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. Roses and strawberries in the garden. Waltz. Tortilla chips. Talking with monsters and remembering that nothing is wrong. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I finished Operation NO, Operation Sexy Waltz, set things in motion for Operation Detwah, completed all three of the first stages of Operation Cape Egretsmade progress on Mission Case Ends Ho, edited the first draft of Mission of Xs and Ys, completed what seems like a thousand small ops. Wham Boom! Thank you, Rally.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I had the superpower of taking eight breaths when I feel feelings.
Superpowers I want.
The power of Always Remembering That Nothing Is Wrong. And the power of Wonderfully Confident, Of Course Of Course Of Course. It is a cousin of Extreme Sexy Fearlessness.
Salve. The Salve of Perspective.
As you rub this salve into your skin, your whole body begins to relax.
Things come into their right proportions. You suddenly see what is working, rather than what isn’t; what is lucky rather than what is problematic, what is right instead of what is wrong. And then, from there, even the things in the “wrong” category begin to reveal their treasure.
The big shadows turn out to be cast by small objects. Candles are lit in the corners, and you can see what is there: nothing scary after all. Cobwebs are whooshed away.
You are safe, you are held, it’s just a cut and not a gash, healing is activated — yes, love, of course it hurts and of course you can cry and this moment of pain is legitimate, and also you are okay. Another candle, and another candle. A hug and another hug. Blink. Blink. We can look at this with new eyes, with eyes that remember truth.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes by way of autocorrect, which changed “but of course!” to “but of Clyde!”. This band is called Butt of Clyde, and they are an Irish punk band. And as it turns out, they’re just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Cluck cluck. Blink blink.
Some tough things…
– am I numbing and ‘wasting’ time, or am I percolating? I do not know.
– I miss. And I want. And I don’t have. Boo.
– thinky thoughts quite compelling.
– habituated anxiety. Habituated bitchery. Habituated resistance. Blah, yawn, boring.
– my poor body. So ignored.
– my poor confidence. So undermined. (May my gift to my daughter be to help her keep her own more in tact than i could mine).
– guilt. Sorrow. I wish there was more of me to go around. But there isn’t.
– radio silence. Heading into the void. What if there is something terrible at the end? What if there is something terribly banal at the end? Zero information is hard to work with but it’s all I have so I’m following my instincts and trusting. Tough stuff.
Some sweet stuff
+ gorgeous weather
+ sweet kids
+ I feel comfortable up here. Major change!
+ I am not responsible for him or his feelings. Biggest progress ever!
+ a certain kind of spaciousness will be opening up sooner than I thought it was going to. Ace.
+ clothes that FIT are starting to come in.
+ I see a path forward, even if the foreground is still dark, the longer view is getting clearer.
+ I have the chance to numb/percolate.
+ Mr Fry. How much do I like you? Very much.
Cluck cluck.
Love you and your chicken!
me too.
clothes that fit: one of the best things. <3
*whispers* Hey, it’s me.
Man, I haven’t chickened in yeeeers. In fact I haven’t been reading the blog, which was clearly a mistake. I see you are a dancer now, and a secret agent. That’s so cool!
I’ve been dancing lately, too. Lindy, as it happens. I’m not a secret agent, though. And I am now just Will, no more -ie. And I’m changing my last name. And not through marriage but for reasons.
So, my week was all kinds of interesting but I’ll just get to the gushing.
Havi, you are a genius. I don’t know how I could have done the very hard thing I’m still in the middle of without the genius stuff you taught me. I don’t know why I ever wandered away from this blog. (I do know. Just my stuff. Anyway point is I’m back.)
I’ve been reading all the posts from early 2011 to catch up because they’re all genius and full of amnesty and permission and kindness and they model the way I wish I could remember to do things. Which is the easy way. That is, with ease. Even when it’s hard. Especially then.
I’m so glad you’re still here. And still a genius. And that you still believe somehow that *I* am a genius (even though you don’t know me hardly at all) because why else would you be writing all this stuff but so folks like me can learn something from it? (Obvious.)
I went on a two day emergency retreat (Not a silent one. There was much crying. It was loud.) and took the Procrasitination Dissolvomatic, because it’s the only actual physical thing I have of yours. (Where did my monster colouring book go?) It was the only book I brought, and the only one I needed, even though my issue was *nothing whatsoever to do* with procrastination. Because proxy. Because fractal flowers. Because it’s all about the qualities. The way of going about things, rather than the what it is we’re doing.
So, I just wanted to say thanks. For being here.
Enormous giant happy for this place you have built and for finding it again. Just in time (how convenient). Yay!
Will! Without the -ie! Hi! I also do Lindy, well, I have a secret affair with Lindy maybe once a week and it is absolutely wonderful. And of course you are a genius. Yay. <3
Will! Hello! I have thought of you from time to time, and am happy to see you here.
The salve made me cry.
That is all.
Oooh, it’s a good week for 3hat salve. It’s probably always a good week for that salve.
Hard:
Unexpected disappointment that triggered monster narratives of rejection and unworthiness.
Meltdown moment in front of my mother.
More things that we want and even need to buy than there seems to be money to pay for them.
Good:
Adorably sweet over-the-top complimentary text from my daughter.
I got to see The Minimalists at an indie bookstore in Greenville. They were charming and inspiring.
My singing voice keeps getting stronger. So glad to have passed through to the other side of cold/allergy shtuff!
I dropped my monsters off at the Floop’s Monster Watching Collective. When I picked them up, I was astonished to discover that they had finger-painted the sweetest and most beautiful portraits of me! It was good to be reminded that they not only love me, they *can* see me the way I want to be seen.
I now invoke the superpower of Humming Heals Everything. <3
(3 Hat Salve? Interesting, and possibly just one guy.)
Happy Chicken Day. (and going to visit baby chickens later)
The Not So Good:
That blecky feeling when you wish someone would just take your key board away and send you on a sabbatical from the Foot-in-mouth Bar. And then when you think people are posting about you and you get so annoyed with yourself for feeling like you are 12 again. But you are not 12. And you can send your own self on sabbatical.
Bleck.
The Good:
Answering the phone when my financial advisor called me. Yay for IRAs!
Remembering why I let certain people go, and being cured of missing them.
Remembering why I let other people go, and being ok with missing them.
Deciding on a Sabbatical.
Hello, Friday. Hello, y’all.
What worked?
* pouring coffee into mason jars for later consumption
* making stuffing out of leftover bbq buns
* making an effort to attend the earlier classes at my yoga studio — specifically to give myself the backup option of returning for a later class if I realized on arriving at the studio that I had left my clothes at home, which is indeed what happened yesterday
* adding apple cider vinegar to the cabbage soup
Next time?
My original Plan B was to stash a spare set of clothes in the car. Today I ended up changing my plans for happy hour because I hadn’t packed along dressy shoes. Which worked out for the best, so the real question underneath “Why am I not bringing the right change of clothes along?” is “How do I get my brain to acknowledge that I want more space in my schedule before I go to the bother of researching hours, routes, etc.?”
Hard, Vexing, Etc.:
* The Why-Do-I-Not-Have-My-Ess-Together-Enough-To-Move-the-Eff-On Monster Cha-Cha
* Yeast infection
* Wanting to smack some Grow-the-Eff-Up into some people
* Not enough me for all the want-to-sees
* Not enough resources for everything I want to support
Good, delight-filled, relief-laden, etc.
* My dog happily hoovering up green beans is hilarious
* My bed. Such a happy combination of sheets, cushioning, quilt, blanket, companion, and nearby books, glass of water, fan, and other comforts.
* The seventy-five-minute-long class I didn’t want to take went by faster than I expected.
* The guy I accidentally kicked in the head during today’s class seemed more amused than hurt.
* Having the experience and chops to solve gnarly formatting/documentation
* My hiking partner spotting a magnificent heron — within twenty feet of us, stalking its way down a shallow set of falls.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
I have been lurking and reading and slightly commenting when I can. And then I got The Procrastination
Dissolve-o-Matic and it’s brilliant. As is to be expected.
So, thank you for this. For being and sharing and creating.
Deepest gratitude.
What worked:
Using last week’s salve, the Salve of Releasing What Is Not Yours. It was like smears being removed from my glasses, like fog clearing.
Massage. My therapist has been away and I’ve missed her. I got a massage and it felt so good that when she was done, I wanted her to start over.
Next week:
A better plan for my No-Errand Day, aka Vicki’s Day Out. Or a Plan B. The quiet sanctuary I discovered last week wasn’t a quiet sanctuary this week, and it wasn’t a good day to go to the park.
Hard:
Weather. Cold and damp.
Meetings. One in particular. I expected it to be hard because of people being in their stuff. Instead, it was just boring. Not that I wanted drama, but I could have used that time for something else.
Pain.
Good:
MrB in good spirits and full of surprises!
A week off from worried about his health, though not from doing healthcare-related things.
A friend loaned me a Kindle; trying it out*.
Finding the spiral notebook — in my wishes for this week, I asked to find things I’d lost, specifically certain things and that was one. Wishing works!
Making plans.
Noticing that I have resources.
Some new insights that weren’t surprising when I thought about them.
*Trying out the Kindle because some people online have mentioned doing things with the Kindle besides reading books. I’d like something more portable than the laptop that I can use like a PDA, for calendar and notes/memos as well as reading. I have a tablet and don’t like it.
Overall it was a good week. Love to the chickeneers who comment and to those who don’t.
I forgot to put in a hard thing: weird short-of-sleep brain fuzz thing while I was teaching. Bleh.
Oh I am so in the thing of post-Rally/trip/retreat/thing need for lying on the floor integrating and breathing and reflecting and marinating. And so in the Need to do the Laundry! thing.
Still looking for the balance there. No other laundress in sight….
this fucking week, oy very! i can’t even.
the sucks:
-got sick/mean allergies last friday, was sick all weekend.
-still had to take car in for repairs, and pay almost 600 bucks for them
-snow on mothrs day plus hell cold
-so i go to work sick on monday, and cant breathe. a co workr gives me Mucinex and i take it, and for th rest of the day I am so fucking high, i cant feel my face
-wednsday, the day i start breathing, someone set the micorwave at work on fire. toxic smoke, headaches etc
-so i got sick again
-being too sick to Full moon
-trying anyway and wishing i was better at stuff
-all the nots
-this morning at the farmer market. that sucked.
lil baby steps of good:
-more engaged at work
-wizard school
-spring. oh thank gawd
-yoga at work
-friends
-something to hope for
what worked this week:
-This is okay
-the may regime
-forgiveness
-my body gets the deciding vote
-am i treasuring myself here?
The good:
– sunshine
– parrot skirt
– pink nail varnish
The hard:
– brain slugs EVERYWHERE
– my defence mechanisms hurt other people. Sadness.
What worked?
– the Cockatrices and Wyverns Union, my goodness. They are SO GOOD.
– 100 happy days meme. I wake in the morning and wonder what the happy thing is going to be today, and can usually come up with about four before I get out of bed.
Cluck cluck cluck.