It is SATURDAY and we are here.
Sometimes a Friday lasts a little bit longer, and sometimes a Chicken happens when it happens….
So here we are.
{a breath for being here right now}
What worked this week?
C.H.A.T.S.
It stands for Conversations Happening At Temporal Safe Houses.
This came into being because of my tendency to run conversations in my head when I am not ready to have these conversations in person.
Except I don’t want those to be the words in my head. I want my words to be reminders of what I want: PEACEFULNESS and PRESENCE. Treasuring myself. Remembering to take a breath and let go. My head space is for me, not for running dialogue.
So I made a document on my phone called C.H.A.T.S, and it is a safe house for these conversations. When I notice myself whooshing off into one of these conversations, I write down the words I may want later. Then I make a wish for peaceful, ease-filled conversation if/when it happens, and then I close the door.
When I am ready for the conversation, I can pick up the thread there instead of playing with it and batting it around in my thoughts.
Reminding myself: I want to be here now. I want to be here, now.
Next time I might…
Have my buffer phrases ready.
Steady and clear forms of saying NO, with words that work for me. This has to do with advocating for myself, a big theme right now.
Related pieces: Taking my sexy time to do whatever I’m doing. Or if I decide I need to hurry, making the speediness fun instead of trying to placate the Urgency Monsters.
And, if I go to this dance convention again, finding people in advance to walk with me in the middle of the night, people who do not think it is bizarre that I want this, which is nearly as triggering as the situation itself.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Oh wow, so many people in so many different kinds of pain. A number of people I love were in the hospital this week, going through rough things. A breath for filling up on ease and peacefulness. A breath of this for everyone who needs it.
- The Unbearable Missing, while significantly less agonizing than it was a week ago, is still a part of my daily reality. A breath for trusting the magic of time to do its healing thing.
- Super creepy and uncomfortable incident at a dance convention where the lead I was dancing with did something completely inexplicable and not okay. I went deep into paralysis, old neural pathways, couldn’t find my voice. This pattern was repeated throughout the week in various smaller ways, like when I discovered that someone I thought was a friend actually holds horrible anti-semitic opinions, which she felt comfortable voicing because she didn’t know I was Jewish. A breath for processing this pattern in all of its forms, and for change.
- Actually I was in my stuff all weekend at the convention. Comparison is the devil, or so the sufis say. I was comparing, and that never leads to good things. A crisis of confidence. A breath for allowing all the treasure in this experience to come in and land.
- Dark parking lots, and not wanting to cross them but wanting to be at the place on the other side. Not a metaphor, but yeah, that also works. This is related to: I don’t want to be in a relationship and yet I have envy related to my perception of “other people have someone to walk with them through the scary places”. A breath for finding truth, and for safety.
- Walking into my beautiful ballroom, aka the chocolate shop, seeing the ruined floor, and bursting into tears. I get that my big dream wasn’t to be. And this — how things are now — is still very much not what I want. A breath for learning from what I don’t want, may something new and beautiful come in.
- I have an impossibly busy month, and a bunch of projects that are at the point of Almost Ready To Deliver. A breath for miracles.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- A giant breakthrough. I have been working — steadily and passionately — with this theme/project/mission of What Would Happen If I Could Treasure Myself, and I am finding out, and it is awesome. A breath for trust.
- Related: My desired superpower of Wonderfully Confident suddenly kicked in this week, amazing. A breath for delight.
- The water scare ended in less than a day. A breath for moving through things and remembering that Nothing Is Wrong.
- Nothing is wrong. A breath for remembering this and for my life work about remembering this.
- I had the best time playing with Leela at the Twitter bar! A breath for playmates.
- This entire week was filled with GLORIOUS dancing, I am having the time of my life. A breath for pure delight.
- Did you know that Kermit the Frog singing the Rainbow Connection is a waltz? Of course it is. I waltzed to it last night! A breath for the sheer joy of life and aliveness.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. Writing is healing. My finger is healing. My heart is healing. Roses and strawberries in the garden. The three year old next door blowing kisses to me from the window. Dropping off bread at Dana’s. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
This was a big week for ops! Operation Cape Egrets is ready! Operation Detwah is happening! Everything is moving. Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I got the superpower of Wonderfully Confident, the cousin of Extreme Sexy Fearlessness. It was amazing. More of that, please!
Superpowers I want.
The power of resting before I need to. And the power of trusting in timing.
Salve. The Salve of Taking Care of Yourself.
This salve is about trust, it is about sanctuary, it is about things coming into harmonious relationship, it is about courage, it is about rest and it is about treasure.
When you rub it in, you feel sturdier, steadier, more grounded.
Suddenly all the questions of ‘should I do x’ seem irrelevant, because of course you are going to make choices that support what you need. All other considerations become silly.
It’s like what Brian Kest says: “You don’t make decisions about what your body can do. You honor the decisions being made.”
Using this salve is the moment when that becomes obvious and true, when kindness towards your body is the only conceivable option.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This band is called Clown Water, and they play punk-metal with a bit of a ska feel. They wear awesome hats. Also, autocorrect had a lot of trouble with my conversations this week about having to boil water because of the water scare, and the need for water to be clean. Anyway, great band. And yes, they’re just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Follow
Havi: ADORE. I am going to read this over SO MANY TIMES.
xoxoxoxo
Ah, the Saturday Chicken.
The Good:
Ending a friendship, and sending a card about it to the former friend with hurt and forgiveness so that I could put it down. Or at least have it weigh less. Realizing how far I’ve come. A breath for endings.
Better friends by a million than I had last year at this time. Who say “what a beautiful wish! let’s think of names for it!” when I tell them my wishes. A breath for openness.
Having the most uncomfortable awkward encounter for Operation: A Robed Tinctures, which I believe may have cured my uncomfortableness in 99% of other situations. A breath for bravery.
Discovering how much I love to read on the treadmill. A breath for breathing.
The Hard:
Ending a friendship, and having someone who I loved be mean to me. Actually mean, and encouraging others to be mean. And knowing her emotional range is extreme loyalty, possession, anger and meanness and loving her still. And forgiving her anyway.
Oh, that salve! I love it so much!
Since May 3 (three weeks!) I’ve been focusing more on taking care of myself, recognizing my needs and meeting them, and even treasuring myself. Sometimes it’s hard because I have a pattern of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of mine. A breath for meeting my needs.
This week I said no to something that would have occurred on my Day Out, even though it was six months in the future! Apparently I’m planning to continue the self care practice of Taking Time Off, time for myself, for the rest of the year. A breath for continuing self care.
I’ve been out every day with MrB to train for a race in August. We expect to come in dead last but just completing the 10k will be a win! Just doing a regular exercise activity is a win! A breath for physical movement.
I’ve got sore muscles from pushing him over bumps in the uneven course. A breath for sore muscles and for keeping going anyway.
We’ve had good weather all week, which has made going out and being out enjoyable. Except when the air is full of pollen or when the lawn mowers are throwing things into the air. A breath for breathing!
I’m thinking a lot now about my needs and how to meet them. I want to meet the next hard thing that occurs without feeling like it’s a crisis, and take it in stride and deal with it. I think that the best way to do that is to build in a lot of self-love and self-care and permission so that I have resilience and strength when I need them.
Whoo! It’s been a long Saturday. Not a bad one, but a long one. Can I remember the rest of this past week? Let’s see.
Hard:
–Trouble sleeping.
–Ongoing struggles with the swimming pool.
–Broken glass on the kitchen floor. Despite noble efforts to get it all cleaned up, a couple of slivers still found their way into people’s feet.
Good:
–Culinary adventures.
–Spontaneous road trips.
–Music-making.
–Slow and steady self-care.
–Lovely weather.
–Moments of inspiration.
–Love, affection, and kindness.
I now invoke the superpower of Stretching Into Sweetness! <3
Hooray for saturday chicken!
A breath and deep gratitude for this ritual, I feel it so close to my heart right now, ho much i lve this community and this work.
the hards:
-a breath for the hell cold, and what it di to my poor nose.
-worry about husnband’s test results
-lots of stuff coming at me at work, resistance and not the best coping.
-totally blowing off Best Practices for bedtime which meant
-migraines migraines migraines
-tornados
-not doing houseowrk means housework doesnt get done. in my attempts to rest, i fall behind. mnay bretahs for this
– the bad night with my youngest child
-crossing the Rubicon
-issues with hsusband. they suck so bad. popular hits this week include damned if i do, damned if i dont, and general rudeness
-i take the above in stride, most of the time. i dislike how tings nevr seem to get much better, edespite what i do. and then tonite, i spent the day cooking and prepping for having dinner with old friends, first time in years. and husband turned into my celebrity roast. He made fun of my weight, my driving, my cooking, my masters thesis, my aprenting. this went on fro hours and at pint i was nearly intears, which made him, his oold friend, and his dad laugh at me for 3 hours over a dinner i bought, helped prepare and cook.
-more eveidence, if i needed more, that maybe struggling for this man’s good opinion is futile, and isnt worth having anyway
so mcuh good though:
-the weather. the trees. the rolling thousand shads of green. Our green seaso is brief here in Colorado, but it is so lush and damp right now, i just drink it in
-wizard school and daily praxis means, i really do have a much firmer Foundation. i can feel it
-progress on Yellow Flower project. This is about cooking and eating better food, and it happened with unexpecetd ease and delightful side effects. I reconnected with how much i loved lightign candles, putting on music and start cooking. It feels connected, i feel Her presence, it feels importnat to do this. and the food is better
-i ma vry grateful for all my blessings
-i am discovering a lot about treasuring msyelf. It’s not so easy is it?
“And, if I go to this dance convention again, finding people in advance to walk with me in the middle of the night, people who do not think it is bizarre that I want this, which is nearly as triggering as the situation itself.”
A gentle hug and a deep shared sigh. Yes.
Hard this week:
The end of a friendship. I have pleaded, I have yelled, I have stated calmly what I needed and I still get nothing. I’m done waiting for a train that’s not coming, but I’m not done hurting. We’ve been friends for so long. I have given so much. Why do I get nothing?
To add absurdity to injustice: It’s over because they ended things with me. And did not tell me why.
Going to see a show in the hope of having some fun after all the crazy stressful stuff, and ending up in something seemingly designed to trigger the hell out of me and make me feel miserable. Not what I needed.
The good stuff (there must be something, right?)
Walking out of the theatre. Making a saferoom and finding it actually works. Having R there, who understands being triggered and has been a star at helping me deal with it. Rock gardens everywhere.
Journalling using the OOD, permissions, a revue, dammit lists, and doing that thing like you did with the hackers where you steal someone else’s superpowers and it worked a treat! And I’m going to be a drag queen now. Well, not now. When I’m ready.
R: Don’t you mean drag KING?
Me: No. No, I definately mean drag queen.
R: …
R: Awesome.
This blog still being here, basically. All this genius up for grabs. And replies to my secret comments on years-old-posts. “Thank you, I needed that” times a thousand.
My super power this week: the power of solace.
The power I invoke: The power to take in stride. Seven miles in a step. To cross a continent in a day. Because I can.
(best superpower ever! Seven Miles In A Step!)
Cluck cluck.
Havi – those practice conversations = 42% of my LIFE!!! I want to be here now. Yes! CHATS. Okay. Awesome.
Some tough things…
– awkwardness in social situations and fear of having offended people. Thinky thought brain moves into ideas on how to placate or please (or starts running practice conversations!) I’m better at not acting on these impulses these days but it’s definitely a work in progress.
– people in their stuff. And my stuff about how annoying and dumb it is that they’re in their stuff.
– sadness about a number of people I once looked up to and admired that now seem to have been impressed by their own success, and how icky their stuff feels now. Which makes me think, maybe learning not to be impressed by monsters is the easy part? At least monsters make you feel like shit so there’s good motivation to learn to not take them seriously? Maybe the challenge after that is to not get impressed by one’s ‘success’ that feels really good, and not be tempted to move into ego stories of I Am Successful Be Like Me blerrggh. And why is there no graduating? I see a path ahead that never ends. Spiritual growth. Fucking pain in the arse!
– a funeral, a boy without his mother, life, death
– the old interaction pattern that leaves me with an obligation to be grateful yet so drained. How the f did I live so much of my life like that?
– I am almost ready to switch the radio off. I am so sad. I have so much love and good wishes inside me. What do I do with it all? (Cue the Realist Monsters coming in to tell me how it is and ever will be…..)
– I spend a LOT of my time feeling like an overwhelmed seventeen year old. Who gave me these children to look after and this house to run and this money to manage? I am too small for this!
– related: I spend a LOT of time numbing and screen sucking.
– the kids have colds and that means Little Lad has ear infections and here we go again.
– I’m also no longer clear on whether the ‘problems’ I’d like Little Lad’s OT and speechy to work on with him are actually work-on-able or if I’m asking them to please cure his autism ie. cure him of being who he is…. Whether the problem actually lies in me wanting to change/improve how he works instead of accepting things the way they are and going with it. I have asked for a review of where he’s at and a reality check on my expectations of his therapy, so I can work out if I should go get some instead.
Some sweet things…..
+ the foreground is clearing and the path is getting clearer. Direction!!
+ perfect simple solutions. They can happen on a rather grand scale! And they may be going to!
+ if ^^^grand solution comes to pass I have a lot of faith that the Overwhelmed Seventeen Year Old may finally be able to retire. That *would* be fabulous for all of us. To feel up to the tasks before me, oh my…
+ even though I’d really be much better with a cat, my kids are good kids, doing well, love me. I can’t be screwing up entirely.
+ even though I’m feeling so drained tonight! I’m sure my excitement is close to the surface and will come back soon. Possibly tomorrow morning. Let’s go to bed and discover what wisdom we might find there.
Goodnight all. Chicken, out. Xxxxxx
cluck cluck.
the hard:
+ [……………………………..]
+ [……………………………..]
+ [……………..ohmygodsomuch…..]
+ I want my hair to fucking grow out already and I’m sick of people telling me “omg why do you want long hair your hair is so cute right now!” generally I am feeling so averse to people telling me I shouldn’t feel what I’m feeling/I should not be wanting what I am so clearly wanting. There has been a lot of this going on and I feel force-fielded enough to recognize when this happens but not enough to not immediately go into annoyance and anger.
+ I am spending WAY too much of this vacation in lovely France being in extreme amounts of pain about something — a couple of somethings actually — I can’t talk to anyone about and I feel very lonely and frustrated. I want to go back to New York and have a drink with Hanna and be at home with our dog and jesus christ can I just have a cigarette and not have anyone bug me for a whole day.
+ lots and lots of HSP overwhelm and nobody acknowledging the difficulty of this for me. I find it incredibly violent, the assumption that people are free to ask me questions and I HAVE to answer them to be polite, like they are forcing their question-ness or comment-ness on me regardless of whether I need quiet or non-interaction-ness.
+ lots of middle aged Koreans around me which means lots of “how old are you and why aren’t you married” and my parents deliberately speaking/acting as though I’d never been married because obviously to tell the truth would be humiliating for them and the general disgusting unwelcome fucked-up-ness of these conversations having to happen.
the good:
+ guess what my french is pretty fantastic and I am getting to speak it all the time.
+ you know what I love most about travelling in a foreign country? the wild/stray animals you meet. I met a wild boar and a rabbit and cats. Delight.
+ also, trees. especially ones bearing fruits. especially ones you can eat.
+ I met a new fruit that I had never heard of. This blew my mind, as I consider myself a great tricontinental gourmand and also a gastronomic obsessive, so how is it that I had never heard of a loquat and it is maybe the best thing I’ve ever eaten! SURPRISES!
+ I had no idea poppies were so unspeakably wonderful.
+ Havi and FS. this whole week, I could not have made it through without reading H’s writing or getting support from the FS community. A breath for the incredible rare safety that this good ship provides.
The hard:
– having a clean house feeling farther away than ever
– endings, endings, endings
– jealousy and what to do with it?
– walking on the trust tightrope is exhausting!
– of course the dog has fleas
The good:
– two more of my articles published this week! yah!
– discovering the market and delicious seafood
– finding my birthday cake (chocolate raspberry grand marnier truffle cake, oh my!)
– everything is okay
– the kitties are wearing kitty caps and no one lost an eye
Wafting chicken magic for everyone!
I am chickening on Tuesday. And why not.
The good:
– road trip!
– traying the plumpet. With extra cheese!
– playing with “The Artist’s Way”, although it feels as though I already know a lot of it
– I went out drinking and dancing with two people I hadn’t seen since we were fourteen, and four I’d never met before, and one who was my best friend, and it was AWESOME.
– Elderflower and Passionfruit Bellini is possibly the most beautiful drink in the world, although I was also very taken by the Bramble
– the past is past, and a hug for Timid School Me.
The hard:
– oh the rain the rain the rain
– people I like voted UKIP wtf
– in fact, UKIP wtf
– sooooo much grease, and my digestive system isn’t impressed
– the bus that is not my bus but which I love more than pretty much any other bus (yes, this is a literal bus) needs fixing, and fixing needs money. Sadness.
I had the superpower of Actually I Am Pretty Damn Good At This Socialised Adult lark. More of that one please.
Long time, no chicken.
The mysterious and hard stuff : A lying blueberry scone that said it was chocolate. Ate it anyway.
Flinging steak at the monthly Wolf at the Door. I can’t have my steak and fling it, too.
Overdoing, then wondering what the “I don’t want to get out of my pyjamas, I feel so tired” feeling was about. Went back to bed and felt better in the afternoon.
The Good: A big crane/egret bird on top of a neighbor’s water feature. At first, I thought he’d added a plastic bird to it until it swallowed and took off in front of my car. I have never seen that kind of a bird in the neighborhood before.
Barbershop chorus/quartet show featuring The Dude’s bro in “Hello, Mudder. Hello, Fadder.”
The audiologist proved that my hearing has gotten no worse.
Ha Ha, monsters! I am Not the only one in the universe who rehearses anxiety-producing conversations in my head. I notice that I classify the bad conversations as “Fretwork” or “cobbling Throwing Shoes” as they happen and quit them.
Memorial Day watching movies with just one friend.
My opposite of Impending Doom is Anticipating Joy and that is what I have been doing since last Thursday when a company made The Dude an offer that he accepted. A little earlier, he told me he starts tomorrow. Moving closer to counting chickens, not eggs.
Reading my shaky “Taking Care” note about the salve as “Talking Cave.” I think the Talking Cave is behind the waterfall where I visit The River. I will have to investigate whether it’s a cave that talks or a cave I go into to talk – or both.
What worked:
Learning that the question “What do I want?” implies that I must answer the question. But the answer is, at times, that it is okay to ask and not get an answer, or get an answer but not know that I have gotten it. A thing from some years ago, “The question is the answer.”
Cutting out the piece of candy a day and eliminating the mystery jitters.
Hearts & Minds session on Sunday.
Noticing that I have what I require for Right Now.
What I might try in the future?
Continue to Release the future.
Use the code phrase “larking about” instead of “exercise.”
Look all around to get perspective. Play with a spherical or octahedral compass.
Build a safe house from which to face the Finances. I have put a love note, the Hug, Love, Kiss symbol, on the Folder of Bills.
Cluck, cluck, egg?!