Hey we have a gorgeous new website!
Are we doing this? Moment of truth. And bells.
This week’s wish began as a wish about Legacy and became a wish of What Do I Want To Echo. But then something happened and I had to scrap it, and now it is a wish about the next few days and ringing truth-bells.
Interestingly, this is the month of Echoing with the superpower of — get this — being a bell, and here is my chance to practice.
Right on time.
What do I know about moment of truth and ringing this bell?
Do you want the short version or the long version? I don’t know which one I want to write.
To be honest, I think I’d prefer to not need to share any of this, but here we are.
Wisest quiet me says: Speak truth and be heard, be a bell, trust that it is the time to ring all the bells and let them echo.
The truth bell version.
(0) But first, we breathe!
Breathing here for the vulnerability of it all. Breathing receptivity, ease, intention, honesty, clarity, surrender, opening, presence. I am here. And: I am here for this.
Breathing for meeting this moment. Breathing for trusting life.
(1) In six days, we are out of options.
In six days, on November 8, we have to make our yearly payment of $1300 for our shopping cart/list system, and we don’t have it. We don’t have anything, actually.
So either we bring in (or otherwise come up with) that sum right now, or the lights go out in the gallery. For a while or for longer than a while or I don’t know.
(2) It’s not just that.
Yesterday the gorgeous new website (which I also have not paid for yet because my incredible designer is the biggest fan of my work and trusts that I am the right horse to bet on) was down for an entire day because our old tired server can’t keep up, and hey, now we need to pay twice as much for hosting.
To be even more painfully truthful, I haven’t paid him in over a year, and it’s been a few years now since I regularly paid myself enough to live on. Most of the people who help out in the business volunteer their time, just like I volunteer mine, because they love this work, and me, and they believe in the mission. They trust (as I do) that we will all be compensated in good time.
That is really beautiful — I am endlessly grateful, and this trust is treasure, and also it sucks. It isn’t okay.
That isn’t what I want to model in the world. What I want to model in the world is something glowing and beautiful and sustainable. Right now we work hard and make beautiful, amazing, vitally important things, but that isn’t enough.
I honestly don’t know if sustainable exists but I want to find out. I want to be able to find out. If we figure out a way to keep the lights on in the gallery for 2017, that will be my project.
(3) I genuinely want to find out what sustainable looks like.
Sustainable to me means:
+ Havi doesn’t get burnt out/isn’t perpetuating a state of burnout
+ generating enough income to live on* and to easily cover the costs of running a business
+ I am able to pay everyone in my business, including me, for their time and hard work
+ the business does not rely on personal debt, no more floating the operation from my own now-depleted resources
+ a business that is peaceful, good for the world, a source of sustenance and joy
+ powered by integrity and love-more-trust-more
+ everyone who finds us breathes a little deeper, we all take better care of ourselves
+ something I feel comfortable modeling (not something I would talk someone else out of trying)
(Glowing Reassurances)
Whatever happens in the next six days, whether the lights in the gallery stay on or have to shut off, whichever way the miracles go (because as far as Wisest-Me is concerned, it’s all miracles in all directions), I will deliver everything I have promised to everyone who has already paid for things this year.
There are two more YEARbooks in progress, nearly completed. The Path of Color aka the monster coloring course is all planned and we’ll send dates soon to everyone who signed up. The Six Month Online Rally/Retreat will still be happening.
So let’s breathe for that. Nothing to worry about. There never is.
All is and and will be well, however it turns out.
What is interesting about vulnerability?
Whether lights stay on or lights go off, I’m not the one who can determine that, and I cannot even tell you how deeply disconcerting this feels.
For the first time in the past twelve years of doing this, that decision is not up to me because I don’t have the resources to decide.
I’ve spent the past few months exploring all possible variations of the ultimate big question, a la The Clash — should I stay or should I go?! —and yet, here we are in this moment of deciding, and it turns out it’s not me who decides.
Either the funds will show up or they won’t.
I guess in that sense, my decision is a yes. I want to stay, but only if it is possible. And that part isn’t in my hands.
Can I find peacefulness in not having a say? What would that be like?
Mmmmmm, it’s a bit like the show So You Think You Can Dance, when the audience votes for which dancers get to stay on the show.
It’s a funny situation, really. They’re all phenomenally talented dancers at the peak of their ability. Some have to go. And the judges (the ones with the magic vision who can see the nuances of technique) don’t get to weigh in until the audience has spoken first about what they feel, what they love.
I can experience this lack of control as terrifying, but I can also let this be a relief.
Superpower of hey, it’s up to the audience now. Nothing more to do here except ring the bell of asking, and ask. And receive whatever results from that or doesn’t as a gift.
Whatever happens next will decide for me, because there isn’t anything else I can do.
What if I can let that be a beautiful form of freedom and enjoy not being in charge?
What do I want?
I want sustainable. I honestly don’t know if that is even possible, but I want to explore.
I want harmoniousness and congruence and entirely new levels of wild trust. I want to walk through whichever door shows up, trusting that it is the just-right door.
And I want the superpowers of: Echoing. Calm. Steady and powerful in panther mode. Rays of Light. I Am Able To See The Opportunity/Treasure In This. Honesty. Clarity. No More Putting Up With Unsustainable Situations. It’s Out Of My Hands. Landing On Feet. Beautiful ease-filled solutions that make me clap my hands with delight. Wild and Witchy. Peaceful heart.
Reverberating. Grace.
The mea culpa section.
Monsters want me to list all the ways that I screwed up, to take responsibility for my part in this. So let’s name these.
(I plan to write more about this, that is, about my decisions and about circumstances, sans monsters, because I don’t actually believe in screwups, in Love Letter To A Museum Dreamer, which you can read here later if we stay open.)
- When the business was doing well, that is, prior to 2012 when it all came crashing down, I could have paid myself and put funds aside as a cushion instead of putting everything back into the business. I also could have chosen not to expand the retreat center when we had the opportunity. I took a risk because I wanted to be able to make the work more accessible and reach more people (and offer lower prices), and it bombed. We couldn’t make the larger space work, and every penny we made over the next three years went to overhead. Wrong move? Sure. However, I see how it came from my good heart, and so I glow love to past-me for wanting to do what she thought was right.
- I could have saved everyone a lot of pain by getting things in writing, so, for example, when my mentor changed his position on everything he had ever said and wanted to sue me for doing what I thought he wanted, I could have said hey let’s look at paragraph three. I wouldn’t have ended up in the awful helpless position of not being able to stand up for my students or my work, knowing anything I could possibly say in our defense would end up being used against me. I can think of about twenty other examples of Get It In Writing. Lesson learned, I hope.
- Shmita. Here I am disagreement with the monster crew. Taking sabbatical time when I did, when my body was on the verge of collapse from exhaustion and burnout, is by far the best possible thing I could have done for myself, and I do not regret it. A completely transformative experience. However, it did involve shutting down our primary income streams while I was in recovery mode, and I no longer have it in me to be in teacher mode because I no longer believe that’s the right way. I need more time to figure out an alternative, and, as mentioned, we are out of time. So there’s that. That’s on me.
What else do I want?
I want to not have to do this again.
I feel so much joy that there are people who want to help, and I also don’t like asking people to keep us afloat in an emergency. I don’t want to be at the edge.
I want a way to live (and a place to live) that doesn’t depend on having to ask for help keeping the lights on. A foundation for me so that I can do my best writing and teaching-without-teaching, and share the full body of work, without constantly dealing with how to keep the place up and running.
So, one example, if I had the funds to finish my basement, I could possibly turn it into a rental and I would consider that a sustainable solution even if not a plentiful one. External resources that mean not having to scramble, or panic about server hosting costs going up. I want that.
And I want people reading and playing here. Both because I want the work of self-fluency to reach a much broader audience, and because people often write to us and say they’d be glad to pay ten dollars a month or whatever for this space, which is so sweet but that really only becomes a viable option when we’re talking about a much larger group of playmates.
And? I want to preserve the freedom to write what I want to write, as it comes through me, trusting my instincts and trusting flow.
States of…
Vulnerability, state of. Perceived Emergency, state of. Peacefulness, state of.
And, also: Bell state. The state of being a bell. Resonance. Echoing and reverberating. Clarity. Truth love.
I am thinking about bridging between states, and what this means.
Sometimes I imagine opening a Metaphorical Travel Agency. I want to take you to all my favorite places, taking us through the qualities of these places which live in the names.
I have been through Bliss and Starlight (actual places), and now I want us to visit New Hope.
What pathways do I want to traverse in my bell state as we cross states? From emergency (perceived emergency) to emergence to new hope to starlight to bliss, and then to whatever lies beyond that starlit bliss of self-renewing hope?
These are the kinds of questions that I explore in my writing and weekly wishes, these are the questions I want to continue to visit, that for me is one piece of keeping the lights on.
Let’s apply self-fluency, like we do.
Here’s my part: Getting quiet. Turning inward. Skipping stones. Consulting my wisest selves and Incoming me. Being present. Open heart. Grace state. Bell resonance. Being as true to myself as I know how. Echoing and reverberating. Asking for help.
Here’s your part: You decide. I trust you. I love you, whatever comes of this. Vote.
We are out of time. Do the lights stay on?
It’s been a few years now since the museum business adequately covered all expenses, and we muddled through okay, but now we are past the point where that’s an option, so here we are, moment of truth.
Is it scary to let the audience decide? Of course. But it’s also okay. I’m not worried either way. This entire experience has been full of magic for me. Do I hope for more? Of course. But mainly I am trusting that whatever comes next will be just right.
Here’s how you vote. You can give us money and get stuff in return, or you can give us money as a thank you for everything that has been and is and may be, and expect nothing in return. Either of those work for us!
First option: If we raise enough funds to keep this going, here’s what will happen: I’ll spend 2017 figuring out if/how sustainable business works. Those of you who join the six month rally at the Secret Door Society will get to watch that process and maybe think through things with me if you want. I will keep exploring wishes here.
Second option: Not enough funds. In that case, I will get another job or three, and it will look like this: yes to the six month rally at secret door society for Friends of the Museum, yes to what I have already promised, no to the blog, no to everything else, because there won’t be time to do any of it.
Third option: Should we make more than enough funds to solve this, then I can do this full time. The blog will stay. I will write posts about all the stuff I want to write about. Exciting things will be happening. Big wild exploration.
Here’s the situation. November 8 is when we have to either pull the plug or go forward (again, either way we will deliver everything we’ve promised plus the Secret Door Society), but it takes a few days for funds to actually arrive in our account. So if your vote is for yes let’s stay open, then help us out now if you can.
WHERE TO GO & WHAT TO DO
If you want to join the Friends of the Museum, go here.
If you want to either buy past products or toss some money our way as a thank you for nearly twelve years and seventeen hundred posts and thirty four thousand comments and to keep this beautiful space going, you can do that on the foundation page.
Bells, wishes, doors.
Calling on all the superpowers of (perceived) crisis into door, the superpower of beautiful solutions, the superpower of welcoming the moment that is a door.
Agreeing to let perceived crisis slide into that category of good things that are not immediately recognizable as good things at the time. Which is probably most things.
And we are not in any way required to recognize them as good things, that is not necessary, because forcing ourselves to find the good inside of a moment of hard is not compassionate. Compassion is letting the hard thing be hard. Once we’ve done that, the good will reveal itself in right timing anyway.
I trust this and I trust us, and I am ready for whatever happens or does not happen. That is how echoing works.
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called say what you want to say, and much to my surprise I am saying things I did not want to say, but it is the time to say them, and so in that sense, it was a very powerful wish indeed.
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here, or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
we remember that people vary and my wishes don’t have to be yours, each process is unique, and this is a good thing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
Follow
* <3 * <3 * <3 *
I'm in. I am here, journeying with you, wherever we go.
The Cubs won the World Series last night, for the first time in over a century. It feels like a time for miracles, and beautiful possibilities.
Your wishes are so beautiful, Havi. I have many beautiful wishes, too. Right now, I am wishing that we can keep sharing our wishes here, in this beautiful space — and making magic, together, always.
P.S. I've been to New Hope. It's really nice.
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I keep hearing good things about New Hope! And oh wow the Cubs win, that was glorious. Thank you for the reminder and the good wishes and for being here all these years with me! <3 <3 <3
The one in Pennsylvania? Right on the Delaware? Haven’t been there in years but I remember it as delightful.
That’s the one I was thinking of, yes. 🙂
I was thinking of New Jersey!
Hmm, I think it may be the same place! New Hope, PA is so close to NJ that you can walk there, across a lovely little bridge.
Ah that is so charming! I forgot how in the northeast the states are all like little stepping stones. 🙂
The Cubs’ win! Looking for flying pigs. Haven’t seen any yet, but I went outside right after the game ended, and heard a loud whooshing to the north.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I love this space.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Here is my wish:
To find the people who are my people, who *get* me, and to find the people who will pray with me, and to find the people who fall into both groups, and for at least some of those to be geographically close to me.
Possibly related, ongoing, wishes: To be a saint. To live by love and not by guilt.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Oh wow what beautiful wishes! May it be so! Or something even better! <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3
I don't always have the funds (or believe I have the funds) to say whole-hearted yeses to what I want. But today I do, and here we are, and I'm delighting in "all timing is right timing."
<3 <3 <3
An update on last week's wishes:
**Of course** bringing my wishes to the home of a thousand wishes was the right move.
They are landing and we are getting to know each other. They showed me their hearts and of course they are radiant.
<3 <3 <3
A wish for this week:
Steady Presence and Permission to Marvel.
<3 <3 <3
The home of a thousand wishes!!! Radiant hearts!!! Permission to Marvel!!! <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3
PS. January for me please! 🙂
<3
All the sparkle points to you for this post!
I too have a project to work on around sustainability, although mine is taking a very different form. (Yay for the principle of People Vary!)
Sending you rays of beautiful light and wishes for simple ease-filled solutions.
Here’s to the rays of beautiful light, love! Wishing you all the most wonderful solutions and insights for your sustainability project. Miss you. <3
I somehow missed the place to put the month I would like to sponsor when I submitted my friends of the museum paperwork – April, please! (Although I suppose it doesn’t matter if you know which month I will be the secret benefactor for, but for some reason I feel compelled to tell someone, so I’m sharing my wish-month here.)
Hello! In case you continue to be on email sabbatical, and because I didn’t see the place to say in Barrington’s Discretionary Fund, I am a fan of April, which I suspect not to be the cruellest month after all.
What you do is so important.
April is a marvelous month! Serendipity and Beautiful Surprises! Thank you. <3 <3 <3
Likewise, December for me. It has a very beautiful door.
April for me too, please. I did send an email requesting that month, but it seems to have bounced (clearly a sign of Spring!) <3
I am a fan of November, November for me! Let the wishes ring through. 🙂
i would love to invite you to our beautiful community
of artists & autists & people who do not do well
in the rigged game
here in new mexico
except for the part where we haven’t managed to build it yet
(we have the people but we sort of need the place)
but in the meantime if you are near Sandia Knolls
which is near Albuquerque
& you want to pull the motorhome in under the trees
or occupy the couch for a while
we have motorhome parking room
& long extension cords
& also a couch
& you are welcome here any of the times
also i think this comment will have a link to my website?
which has some things which i think are kinda nice
if there is anything on there that you find particularly beautiful
please let me know & also a place where i can send it
& i will send it there for you
i cannot do a lot else
but i will do what i can
& i hope that the museum can remain open
it is a beautiful, beautiful place,
for which i thank you.
Oh, Havi, you have such beautiful wishes.
I send an extra wish to you and as many sparklepoints as there are grains of sand on a beach in thanks for your years of being here and sharing here and being who you are.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Sending you glow. Even though I don’t always understand what you are on about, I’m glad you’re doing it.
Brava for speaking your truth.
A squillion sparklepoints for clarity. And for asking for what you need.
I honor the desire for sustainability – here and elsewhere.
And holding to ‘all timing is right timing.’
My Pleasure is March. May the good expand to fill all the nooks and crannies of all the months.
Wish I could help more, this site has helped me a lot. Good luck keeping it 🙂
Glowing love, and the cash I can for now, your way. And towards this beautiful new website design!!
All the good wishes for what is to come, and crossing fingers for the gallery to stay alight for a while. (Having said that, once upon a time you invented a Salve of I Give Up, and I said that my version of the salve always smells of freedom, amidst the grief).
Thank you thank you thank you
<3 <3 <3
*glows appreciation*
Dearest Havi! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Have I mentioned how much I love this space?
Not often a commenter, but a very long time lurker.
9 months ago, I missed an appointment with my counsellor, and never went back. I slowly realised that most of the improvements I've made in the last few years have been because of you. So it's only fair that I give/glow to you at least a portion of what I would have spent.
Which is why I'd like the month of February please, if it's not already taken.
Glowing love to all the mice, friends, and all.
<3
Thank you so much for this space and all you have shared! I have said to myself “now is not then” and “an inhale for being here” so many times this year. Picked up a manual to keep the monsters at bay, or at least try to.
December for me, love. Steadily glowing the light, yes.
Such love for you, for this space, this community, and all the magic you have wrought here. Hard to believe I only just found this wondrous nook of the interverse in 2013. It has made a huge difference in my life. Glowing wild appreciation for all of it, and for your marvelous powers with the written word. So much love and play and clarity and adventure and freedom and courage and grace and…all the good qualities, all in this post.
My wish for this week: Devotion to listening-and-receiving, and the courage to take the next indicated step.
Love to everyone’s wishes. May it be so.
<3 <3 <3
<3
I have a place to live and at present and universe willing this will continue to be. Much in my present has come into being through my own Fluent Self practice, which sparked and was fed by all the goodness, wisdom, and examples here. I am a Friend of the Museum. I love this space. I love you, Agent Bell. May all your wishes come true. xo
glowing thankfulness for your courage and always-willingness to be vulnerable in modeling your not-teaching
my wishes:
may all good things be treasured
may we wander, collectively and economically, out of stagnant swamps & into sustainable streams
may I find stillness in the turbulence
<3 <3 <3
Sorry that you had to learn the “get it in writing” lesson in such a difficult way. I’ve found that I need to write a short letter to whoever, BEFORE I jump to begin the journey. I just list out the main points of what I think we’ve talked about. Don’t know how often this has ended the plan entirely, when the partner(s) are terrified or offended at what I heard.
What an amazing journey life has become. I’m now living in a 32′ RV, in a small town in Arkansas. Headed back home to Texas, which was never home until a couple of years ago.
Very glad to get your missive and know you’re still here in the universe.
Thank you for asking, and thank you for taking the time to write a love letter <3 <3 <3
Dearest Havi,
I sparked a little spark, lit a little candle. Because your wishes are a treasure and I really hope they find a body.
And I’m thankful for the unblocking that happened through the stone skipping this summer, because gifts are plentiful, if sometimes a little puzzling. Thank you, thank you.
Sweet sweet Havi bell! A so very long time lurker. I am so glad you wrote. I have been thinking of shmita this week, and I only know of shmita because of you. I have some Unexpected Free Time and I decided to make it a period of rest and recovery and peace and ease and trust and wait, and I remembered you taught me a name for that, and I made a space for myself to shmita (it’s totally a verb for me right here and now). Because shmita is a better narrative than woe and bitter and resentful and awful things, and I remember that I can write my narrative no matter what the events, I can give myself space to feel the feels without drowning.
All Timing is Right Timing! Serendipitydoodah!
I dropped what I can in the pot, nothing required in return. You’ve already given me so very much, shown me the tools I already have and how to use them. I knit, and I marvel that a thousand thousand tiny stitches can become a sweater, and like this, I hope that your beloved people can put enough drops in the pot to fill it and then some.
Love love love to you and your sweet wishes, Havi bell.
–o <3 o <3 o <3 o <3 o–
Dearest Havi, we are all here holding space with you, however it becomes as we go forward. Now I am a beloved lurker mouse ready to roar. I choose February. I have already made a wish deposit to Barrington's discretionary (although I fear I may not have connected all the dots). More wish deposits will be on the way in the coming months.
Oooh! Love the phrase “wish deposits”. Thank you!
I cannot imagine how I might have gotten through the last four years without you, without your insights, playfulness and wisdom; without this space, without all the wishers and chickeners and fluent selves who gather here together. ‘Thank you’ hardly seems adequate. But: THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
Even with no money I can find a little for Barrington.
Wishing so hard that the lights stay not just on, but find their own everlasting sustainable power source and glow like the sun! Sx <3<3<3
Today in particular I have been reminded that life is fleeting and unpredictable, but we are still here, so that means possibilities of all kinds are out there.
I well understand struggles with sustainability and wish not only that for you, but the opportunity to thrive.
Best wishes to you and The Fluent Self!
(Although I haven’t been around lately, clearly we go back a long time as I didn’t start writing my Life of Art SitReps until after you’d started Chickening and I’m up to #351 now! However things turn out, I hope I’ll see you around on twitter- @claireofRA)
This is such sad news for me to hear. Your writing has been has been formative and transformative for me, at so many points in my life, and I cannot thank you enough for that. There is so much I admire about who you choose to be and what you choose to create.
No matter what happens to the site, I am so, so grateful for what it has been.
Dear Havi,
Longtime reader here, de-lurking briefly to say thank you for everything you do, you’ve helped me immensely, I reread your writing often and have learned so much, and I’ve sent Barrington the balance of my PayPal account.
Wishing you all the beautiful solutions and wild trust you need…
<3 <3 <3
-Catherine
Another long time reader who has learned so much from you. Due to some events, both fortunate and not, I can’t yet be a friend of the museum, but I can give a little. Thank you Havi for sharing so much insight, especially for sharing your worldly navigation tools for us VSPs.
THANK YOU. I can’t tell you how much joy I receive from the phrase “both fortunate and not”, it is such a self-fluent way of looking at things, and I am glad for more people who can see things this way. <3
I bought the Monster Manual which I have been putting off for years (because I have a monster who says I do not need any help with monsters, and I need to figure it on my own, and anyway I should have already figured it out, and if I haven’t then I’m hopeless anyway).
Thank you, monster, I know you are trying to help and I’m glad you think I am really smart, and, I bet you are really handsome and would love to see yourself immortalized in a coloring book???
Thank you, Havi, for all you do. Thank you, thank you, thank you. *open hearted and full of love*
Aw hello extra handsome protective monster who should totally be immortalized in color! And thank you to you, me too. <3 <3 <3
Have you looked at Patreon? It seems like this is exactly what it is for – creating sustainable support for artists and writers etc.
I have definitely been looking at it for a couple years, and have concluded that I’m not really a fan, I like the idea and it seems like it has a lot of potential except it also seems like it falls victim to the basic set-up of the rigged game, a few people on top make money, and most people won’t. So if it works for me, it still won’t be a sustainable solution that I can model for other people. Mainly though I don’t like the metaphor. I don’t want people to think of themselves as patrons, I want us to think of us as playmates and companions and really involved in the work, not someone else paying for me to do the work, if that makes sense. It’s definitely an interesting concept, and will be cool to see how things evolve. <3
All the stars in Idaho [or pick your place] shining on this experiment!
Finchley says *beep beep tweet* and flutters wings approvingly, so I’m in for February!
{{{waves hello to Finchley!!! and to Sue!!!}}}
<3 <3 <3
{waving back!} <3
I have been thinking on what to say for days.
Let me start with this. I found this site in 2011 and it has saved my life in ways I cannot describe. It’s like finding a way to translate the world so it makes sense for us sensitive and creative people.
I love this site, and I would love to see it glowing and thriving. I have contributed to Barrington’s Discretionary with as much as I can manage right now, when I am not working much due to Inexplicable Reasons.
I also want to say that the matter of sustainability is a really big thing, something most people struggle with, since the rigged game does not allow for many alternatives. It’s a complex subject that will probably take time and lots of people to begin to tackle, I don’t think it’s something one person can solve.
On that note, I want to offer help and ideas. I would love to see the best Fluent Self posts lovingly curated into a book. In fact I would love it so much I would be willing to edit it myself. I also think that the Kitchen Table calls could be transcribed, and turned into e-books. It might not be a long term solution, but these are ideas that could bring in some money, and would also spread the Fluent Self Universe further and wider.
Here’s my sincere wish that, whatever happens, it’s for the best for everyone.
Havi, since I found your ideas and strategies, my life and my ability to be fluent in myself have changed in profound ways. I continue to do a little therapy (with my Wise Therapist) but mostly my therapy budget goes to the Floop and the YEARs. FS tools, with my own personal twists and uses, are the core of my inner work/play now.
I have also been wishing that there could be a Fluent Self book. I’m not sure if you have already looked at this possibility. If you would be up for looking at it now, I would be thrilled to be part of the project (hello Mary!). I have editing and idea-organizing skills, I have some experience with publishing, and I would be happy to create the index. To clarify, Mary and I are both offering this for free.
So much love for you!!!!
I do not have words to express adequately how much I admire this post, and how i think it is one of the most inspiring things I’ve read on your blog. It is the perfect model of everything you share about self-fluency, and I feel so fortunate to be a tiny part of this process. The question of what sustainability looks like is near and dear to my heart; I don’t have anything close to answers, but I hope I can follow your thinking on the topic. Meanwhile, I am looking forward to my emergency destuckification manual, which I will make sure to read before watching any kind of election results.
So much appreciation to you, Havi, and to all the commenter mice and the lurkers who have made this a unique place in the online world. So much joy has come to me from you all, and also support in the hard times. I hope that this will continue in some form for many years to come.
<3<3<3
Like a few other people I have been dipping in and out of this wonderful space for many years, but mostly lurk happily and quietly. I sincerely hope and trust we all can navigate these rigged waters together and find a sustainable solution for everyone, for all our individual and collective wishes, hopes and dreams.
I’ve made a small contribution to Barrington’s fund, and hope I can continue to do so in the future. But as this is a particularly brave and special place, as a thank you I would like to tell you a story.
I stumbled over the Fluent Self maybe seven years ago. I was horribly stuck – I hated my job and all the time it took from me, though I had no idea I would do with it if I had more. I was unhappy and directionless and had no idea how to start looking for something more. But the things I learned here have completely changed my life and my outlook.
Since then I have been on a huge journey of process and creativity. I have re-connected with the things which really matter to me and been able to be simultaneously serious and playful about them. I learned what ‘supportive’ looks and feels like, and when to stretch myself and my situation and when to let go. I can trace a path of tiny and incredibly important shifts all the way back to the day I found your blog. And after all that, I have finally found the Thing, which surprise-surprise, is something I’d never considered I could do before.
I always thought visual arts was my Thing – I enjoy it and I started to study it again. I drew, I painted, I sculpted. I met lots of other people who did the same thing. I had a great time. Then about a year ago, I woke up one morning and started to write. And I did the same the next day, and the next. In fact, I fell in love so hard with the process of writing, I still can’t quite believe it. Not only that, but it seems I have a chance of being good at it. I would never have found this out and been able to fully explore it without the things I have learned here.
I’m not writing to you now from a ‘success-story’ magazine spread and I wouldn’t want to be. I have a different-though-still-similar job but what is different is I understand why I’m here, how I got here and what I want to try next. By the end of this year, I will have written 175,000 words of fiction and will be beginning work on a novel with a professional illustrator who is as passionate about building our little work of art as I am. The fulfilment I have found goes so deep I can hardly begin to adequately describe it but I must at least try to thank you for the hugely important role you have played in it <3
This post is fantastically brave and you continue to be a huge inspiration. Thank you again for everything you have done in the past and for everything you will continue to do in the future.
Much love <3
Can I just say that I LOVE this story, and I think it is so much better (and real and alive and exciting!) than some magazine-spread ‘success-story’. So much joy in here, and such a FOUNDATION of joy, and I am feeling so thrilled about your projects and your understandings, and to have any part in it at all is just a massive honor. This is good inspiration for me. Thank you! <3
What beautiful wishes <3 <3 <3
My wish is to hone my ability to glow appreciation (in whatever form) to make it my new reflex reaction, instead of going into the feelings of not-enough and fear.
What do I know about this?
I feel cheated on by life and the Universe. I feel like I deserve more than this, that my trust and the risks that I’ve taken were supposed to yield better things. (And my wishes were very modest to begin with.)
What else do I know?
I’m wondering, if I can’t even get the most basic things I want, how can I even start to feel deserving of more? The feelings of not-deserving are intertwined with everything. I’m making it about me, when shit is clearly not about me.
I want spaciousness, margin, relaxation, being carefree.
I want to feel like I’m offering appreciation from a place of plenty. There’s always plenty, and appreciating others doesn’t cost me anything.
I want to trust that appreciation really does come around, without doubt.
Right now I find it very hard to believe. Experience hasn’t taught me nice things about appreciation, if anything it has taught me painful lessons of lack and regret.
I want to rewrite my story of appreciation and see everything that comes out from it as a gift. No judgement of whether it was a good decision or not, and what else I could have done if I haven’t used up my currency for this or that.
This one goes very deep and I’ll be checking in with it some more.
Glowing appreciation for everyone and everything that makes up this space, with hope that it will continue to be here for a long time.
Wow, I’m so deeply moved by both Havi’s post and by the outpouring of love and appreciation from this wonderful community. My life, too, has been transformed by the brilliant words I am so lucky to read here each week.
Havi, I glow so much thank you in your direction each day. Truly. Every kindness I do for myself is a glowing of love to you, because I learned it from you. I’ve learned so much from you, survived pain that would have been unbearable without the tools I have gained here. This is the most glorious museum in the world, because it is a museum that has the power to illuminate the beauty in all of us. A museum of mirrors held up for each of us to peer into and see what is reflected back.
I will glow what I can, and then a little more, because I’ve learned here that all experiences are adventures. Living with a little less than I need for a brief moment is an adventure I will delight in, as every hardship I’ve experienced has been softened by my careful curiosity, by the way I’ve learned to hold my own hand.
Beautiful Havi, thank you. I raise my hands.
I was just thinking about you today, Wrenna! So much love and appreciation for you too, and thank you for your beautiful vision of the museum, that is exactly what I want it to be.