What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Your “service”: it is not working
Okay, yesterday I got an email from someone who apparently preferred to remain nameless — since he/she/it suspiciously self-identified only as “support” — announcing that the “service” I apparently get from them will be “down” on Sunday.
What service?
Exactly.
The subject header warned vaguely:
We will be offline on Sunday, July 27, 3:00-5:00 a.m. EST
The message was signed “The team” and referred in the most general terms to things like accounts and performance and such.
In fact, it was so deliciously anonymous (the bot knew my name, of course, but aside from that, nothing) that I actually had to stop working and take a laughing break.
My first thought was to send this masterpiece of ineffectiveness straight to my assistant. You know, just on the off-chance that it wasn’t ironic spam, but an actual “service message” from a real, live company.
What kind of company? Who knows. Maybe one trying to win one of those coveted “most clueless ever” awards …
It’s possible. Stranger things have happened.
But then my inner detective got the better of me and I had to find out who this email was from. Greatest marketing ploy of all time? Uh, no. But if you want to play, here’s the message:
The mysterious message
Hi Havi,
On Sunday, July 27th, between 3:00 a.m. and 5:00 a.m. EST we will be performing upgrades to our application servers.This upgrade will result in an improvement to our online performance and security features.
During this time our application will unavailable. This maintenance will not affect any of your account information and afterwards you will be able to log in and continue normal operation.
Thanks for your patience as we strive to improve our service.
– The team
If you have any questions regarding this email or would like to learn more about our products or services, please contact us toll-free at 1-888-###-#### or at support@emcssl.com.
A clew! Let us look for one.
Pretty great, huh?
Oh, the vagueness! Oh, the unintentional obfuscation! Oh the anonymous reassurances! So, so funny.
Yes, I would love to know more about your products and services. Because anonymous marketing is marketing that works. (Quick! Someone trademark that …)
Alright, enough with the sarcasm. Let’s unpack this baby. There are at least two things we can learn from the clues:
Clue #1: It’s an online service. This is good, because I don’t really use offline services.
Clue #2: They have an email address! Which has a domain name! Which is an acronym! Which I’m not familiar with!
Sadly, this is exactly the point where I got bored of the detective game and started wishing for a handy deciphering device. But who needs a code cracking department when the Google Gods are out there, right? Right.
I was hoping our mystery acronym would turn out to be something awesomely horrible. Something like:
Blahcorp, Incorporated. Offering Services and Serving Offers Since 2007.
Turns out it’s not. No, the mysterious email came from my very own shopping cart program. One which, while marginally less sucky than others I’ve worked with, is still consistently fist-shakingly annoying.
Let’s hear it for 1ShoppingCart.com: no longer just irritatingly counter-intuitive, but now the sender of Mystery Messages.
Let’s learn some stuff, shall we?
So yeah, I’m making fun of them. But actually there’s some good self-learning in this for me, and maybe some of you as well.
Because cluelessness is, of course, oh so delightful and amusing in others and uh, somewhat less so in ourselves. Such is the tragic — but still funny — nature of Schadenfreude.
My take on this is as follows:
You’re allowed (and maybe even required) to laugh at people (or big faceless companies) for being clueless shmegeggies*.
But then it’s time to go look in the mirror and apply what you’ve learned to your own life and work.
* Yiddishism, sorry. If you’re Naomi-my-Internet-crush you’d probably say something like asshat. Otherwise, nincompoop will do in a pinch.
Ooh! I have an example.
If you were hanging out on the blog this week, you probably noticed the vocal discussion on my attempts to process, and then apply/tweak/alter the advice given to me by the capable Men With Pens.
Good advice for which I paid the embarrassingly small sum of $30 and thanks to which I am in an advanced state of hardcore thinking and doing.
Anyway, one of the themes of said discussion is: “Do people really know who you are and what you do?”
And I’m sorry to say that the answer to this question is pretty much always going to be this:
Probably not.
In fact, it’s probably best to always and automatically assume that people don’t know what you offer, and just work from there.
This is something I’m trying to implement too. Give me time.
And here’s the take-away.
1ShoppingCart.com‘s clueless email message was absurd, yes, but you could also say it doesn’t really count as a FAIL moment — it did, after all, actually elicit interest and curiosity on my part.
Whereas I usually only think about them with the sincere hope that someone else will do what they’re trying to do, but in a more mensch-like way, and that this someone will run them into the ground. Metaphorically, of course.
But none of that is the important part. The important part is that it’s your job (and mine) to help your people know who you are and how you can help them.
Not just so these people you care about don’t shake their heads in confusion, but so they can get the help and support they need. Because that’s why we’re here, right?
So yeah, people not being able to figure out what you’re talking about: a problem. You assuming everyone knows what’s up: a problem.
Luckily, figuring out how you can help people get it doesn’t have to happen in a second. It’s an ongoing process.
Some of it is just paying attention and remembering to have your name and the name of your service in an email message. Some of it is asking the people who love what you do to help explain why it’s so great. Some of it is asking complete strangers to undergo some usability testing.
And in case you’re wondering …
In the meantime, if you don’t know what I do: I help people rewrite their patterns and habits so they can get more done, put themselves out there and feel great about it.
In my coaching practice the people I work with are smart, creative independent professionals (or people who want to be independent professionals).
On the blog, it’s pretty much anyone interested in self-work, self-help, general life-hackery, or in biggifying themselves in a conscious, intelligent way.
Fellow duck-fetishists are always welcome.
If you’re still unclear, read my About me page, because it’s the best About me page ever written. Or, better yet, read the About you page, because it’s about you.
And if it’s not you, then you should be somewhere else (and maybe I can make a useful recommendation about places that could be helpful for you).
Okay, that’s me. Now what about you?
If you know what you do, but you’re not sure you can get the point across succinctly and thoroughly, it’s okay. Or if you think you’re doing it right and people still don’t always get it, that’s also okay.
The important thing is that you’re in the process.
You’re working on your stuff. You’re working on being true to yourself. You’re working on ways to make it easier for the right people — the ones who need you — to feel safe and secure showing up to get what they need.
You work on it over time. At the very least you learn lots of interesting stuff about yourself. But what’s really going to happen is that you’ll get better at it.
Because you’re on the way, and because that’s just how it works. Thank goodness.
Shot by Men With Pens (Take 2)
Part Two in the “reworking my blog” series
If you’ll recall, I got my site reviewed by Men with Pens and am sharing all the interesting stuff I learned with you.
And today we’re focusing on wordishness.
James and Harry, the wonderful, witty Canadians (or imposters posing as Canadians, as some have claimed) that together comprise Men With Pens, were less than keen on a lot of the wording that I use around the site.
They gave all sorts of examples of stuff that was confusing, unclear or just got on their nerves. Some examples to which I instantly had to agree and say, “Oh, you’re so right!”
Then there were other examples which prompted more reflection, followed by a fairly decisive, “Mmm, no.” Usually because of something I happen to know about my audience that they don’t. Because they don’t know you guys. But more about that in a later post.
Jeepers = Oy
There were also some examples which made me go “Jeepers!”*
As in:
Jeepers! I also don’t know what to call that thing! Okay, not the thing you said, but also not the thing I said! Aargh! Where are my blog readers when I need them?”
That’s right. I need you.
Yeah, I want your help please. And anyway, this should be interesting/relevant as hell for you too.
Because whether your website is still just a sexy glimmer in your eye or a big, crazy full-time business, you’re also going to have to regularly deal with these questions at some point.
So come peek at my stuck bits of wordishness? Awesome.
And maybe I’ll get lucky and you’ll be struck by a bit of genius that you’ll share with me in the comments … because I’m in a hardcore namestorming crisis and can really use your help!
The tagline: not working, apparently
James and Harry totally misunderstood my tagline. My “When you need some destuckification” tagline.
I’m not even going to get into the bizarre details, but let’s just say that their not getting it made me think thrice about things.
Basically, they want the tagline to “tell people what the site is about and what they’ll get from being here”. Right.
And okay, I’m up for a new tagline. I mean, this site has had about a hundred of them, and I’m definitely ready for one I can really truly fall in love with.
So, Men With Pens, and everyone else who reads this, let me throw some of my old ones out there … and maybe you all can help me a. fall back in love with one of them, or b. come up with something entirely new and better.
My very first tagline, if I remember correctly, was Learn anything. Change anything.
Way too vague, everyone hated it, it had to go.
Later on came Rewrite your patterns, which I liked, because it neatly sums up what I do. But the business coach I was working with at the time thought it was boring. And also not “chock full o’ benefits” enough.
Which is true. I still like it though.
Another incarnation was Rewrite your patterns. Tap your possibilities.
But that never resonated with me. Too commercial. Too pat.
When I created the Destuckification Station as a platform for my Emergency Calming Techniques package, a bunch of people wrote saying how much they loved the name.
That was where the When you need some destuckification tagline came from.
Now, I still think destuckification is pretty clear. But if it wasn’t clear for James and Harry, who are bright bulbs, maybe I should be worried.
Okay, dear readers, help me out here. Anyone want to take a swing at coming up with a new tagline? Or do you have fond memories of any of the old ones?
I’m listening. So please, comment away if you have any ideas!
Beware what you call yourself
I always mercilessly judge people by their Ahem, I always click on people’s About Me pages.
But I also get that it’s important to have a wee mini-bio that goes with your photo so that people realize that yes, they do actually want to read about you.
Mine used to read “duck-positive habits educator“.
But upon reading the Men With Pens critique, I was moved to quickly change it. To anything really.
Their reaction:
What are duck-positive habits? What does that mean? How does this relate to visitors who don’t know you, who you are or what you offer?
Point taken. I mean, yeah, why should anyone be expected to get my little joke without actually knowing anything about me and my duck-positive state of being?
So I talked it over with my duck, and we settled on: “Habits educator. With a duck.”
Follow conventions. That’s why they’re there.
Men With Pens weren’t crazy about the Destuckification Sampler I offer either. Well, that’s not true at all. It’s just that they weren’t crazy about the name.
“Sampler”… What is that? This is usually a term associated with arts and crafts, so it doesn’t reflect terms that people expect to see, such as “Free Report” or “WorkBook” or “Guide”.
Change that term and you’ll probably see better results.
Okay, I can dig it. I mean, the sign-up rate is pretty high, but it could always be higher.
Here’s the thing. It’s not a workbook. It’s not really a guide. It’s not really a report. Plus “free report” has already died a long painful death from boringness.
I absolutely get that people need to have a clearer idea of what they’re getting so they can feel safe and secure and not confused. Just don’t like any of the “usual suspects” when it comes to choosing a new name.
This specific freebie give-away is actually a sample. It’s a taste. But, with all due respect to Andrea J. Lee and her Pink Spoon Marketing, I also don’t like the phrase “free taste”.
Wait, let me clarify: I love the concept of giving people a free taste. I just don’t like saying to people, “Hey, you know what? Look at me. I’m doing that thing that Baskin Robbins does.”
Soooo tacky.
Okay. I still don’t know what to call my Mysterious Give-away Thing. I guess it could be a booklet. But then do I have to call it an e-booklet? Because that would be lame.
Guys, I need your help here.
I’m not at all attached to Sampler. Sampler can get lost, but nothing else is coming up that feels right. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Ow, brain pain. (Again!)
So much for wordishness and related considerations.
Well, at least until the next post in this “me critiquing the critique” Men With Pens series.
I hope it’s clear that their main point — Be clear, never be clever! — is completely valid and really, really important.
Yes, you can have fun with words (and goodness knows I do), but you really have to make sure people know what you’re talking about.
This is a place where I’ve been known to slip up. Sometimes due to a tendency to err on the side of subtlety, and sometimes due to plain old not thinking things through.
So you can imagine that the Men with Pens review has given me some serious food for thought.
Again, if I were you I’d head over to the Men with Pens website and take advantage of their Drive By Shoot Up Your Site offer.
I mean, you know you want to throw some monies their way anyway, just because they’re cool.
And $30 is so ludicrously not-very-much for the extremely thorough, very straight-forward, “here’s how to make your site way better” feedback they give you.
Then if you still feel like it, get back here and lend me a hand with my namestorming process.
Because I could really use your help on this one.
Recovery from criticism hit and run
When you keep getting knocked down.
It’s that truckload of criticism again.
Criticism — the unasked-for kind that’s chock full of hurtful judgments — is no fun, to say the least.
That’s not exactly news.
But aside from the unpleasantness of it all, the experience of being criticised makes everything else harder.
And then, oh boy, let the second-guessing begin.
You start wondering if maybe you’re wrong, and they’re right. Maybe you are all those horrible things they said.
Or you gradually find the excitement about the thing you were so passionate about draining away.
Even worse, this kind of criticism can completely slow you down … and/or knock you way, way off course. The way a logjam changes the flow of a river.
And at the very least, you feel annoyed and resentful.
If you want to learn ways to deal with criticism, I can point you to some great books and other resources, but I really want to make a much more important point, because that nasty criticism isn’t really the issue here.
Because it’s actually not about the criticism.
The issue is never the criticism itself — it’s always our relationship to the criticism.
Someone else’s words, opinions, mean little poke poke poking at you — whatever it is — is a reflection of their stuff.
Their stuff.
Your reaction? A reflection of your stuff.
Your relationship to criticism is about how you interact with this stuff. With your stuff and with their stuff.
The better you get at being able to separate yours from theirs, the easier it is to work on your relationship to the criticism.
But for now, three important points.
1. Insulted = a sign your stuff is showing up
I talked about this more in depth in my noozletter on dealing with uncomfortable situations, but a quick quote to refresh your memory:
If your brother-in-law tells you your “hot pink wings make you look like a wanton buffoon“, you probably won’t be offended. Unless you have hot pink wings.
If he says, “Nice love handles“, it hurts, because you fear he might be right.
Next time you’re insulted, ask yourself:
“Whose stuff is this? Which part is my stuff and which part is their stuff? And what can I do for my stuff?”
2. Living for compliments = more stuff again
Okay, I have to warn you that this part is really, really hard.
The first time I encountered the idea that compliments and insults are (ideally) equally irrelevant … well, let’s just say I had a hard time with that.
Eventually I learned that my focus needs to be on getting better at being my own source of encouragement and support.
The better I get at being my own cheerleader (but in a believable way, not in an annoying “fake it til you make it” way), it gets easier for me to receive compliments without being so attached to what I think they say about me.
Does that make sense? I hope so.
The idea is that you work on releasing the need for outside legitimacy in all of its forms, which is actually the next point.
No, wait, it’s the whole point.
3. Releasing the need for outside legitimacy = the whole point.
This is important:
If you’re waiting for someone else — or something else — to confirm your right to feel okay about yourself, this is no good.
The thing we all need to practice is gradually letting go of the need for both the criticism and the compliments — so you can get to the point where you can trust your own abilities and opinions.
All other feedback, whether positive or negative, is secondary. It doesn’t define you. It’s just more information for your inner detective.
Stepping off the criticism rollercoaster
Not to go all yoga-teacher on your ass but the answer (to the question “how the heck am I supposed to do this?”) is always going to be turning inward.
The information and the strength you need are all going to be found inside you.
Going inward means paying attention to the feelings that come up in reaction to specific situations. It means tracking patterns. It means forgiving yourself for being a real, live human being who has stuff just like everyone else.
And yeah, it’s also going to be all about practicing trust. Trusting yourself to be able to separate your stuff from their stuff, your criticism from their criticism.
Trusting that one day you are going to be able to trust your own opinion of yourself instead of getting sideswiped by someone else’s criticism.
Trusting that this process won’t always be as incredibly hard as it is right now.
Mini-exercise for moments of criticism
When you get the criticism (or the compliment!), try to notice what’s going on.
Tell yourself, “Whoah, this is me reacting to criticism. This is my stuff coming up. Okay, this is where I am right now.”
Then ask yourself the following three questions
1. “Is this feeling true for me? Is this what I really think myself?”
- 2. “Is the information in this criticism (or compliment) helpful for me?”
- 3. “How can I get better at giving myself a warm, cozy feeling when I need it, rather than looking for it from an outside source?”
It doesn’t even matter what your answers are right now.
They aren’t going to be right or wrong anyway, and they’ll probably also change considerably over time depending on a whole bunch of different factors — and the fact that you’re growing and changing (yay, growth and change!)
The point is that when you ask these questions, you’re making space for yourself. Because you’re consciously working on your relationship to the criticism rather than being in the criticism.
Which is a pretty huge step.
And, if you don’t mind me throwing a little compliment your way, one that doesn’t necessarily need to have any bearing on what you think, it’s pretty impressive too.
Nice.
Book Review: What Got You Here Won’t Get You There
So I read about three nonfiction books a week, mostly biggification and self-work (what regular people call business and self-help). Rated on a scale of ducks: 1 duck = Stephen Covey (yawn) and 5 ducks = Malcolm Gladwell (do a little dance). Books worth reading are image-linked to independent bookstores.
The book: What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful
The author(s): Marshall Goldsmith with Mark Reiter.
The rating: 3 ducks
Marshall Goldsmith is a character, for sure.
He has a completely authentic voice that gets in your head and makes you feel like you’re right there in the room with him. Which is great and also sometimes not great.
It’s great because it’s so rare in a business book that you get the sense that you are interacting with a real, live authentic human being and not a talking suit. His larger-than-life personality is reassuringly present.
On the flip side, spending this much time with him can give you the distinct sense that he can be kinda unpleasant to be around at times. Maybe even a lot of the time.
Pluses
There are some powerful concepts in this book and some useful take-away tips. It’s certainly more exciting reading than the typically dull “do the right thing, be responsible, be creative” type stuff that you generally find in what I think of as “books-for-people-who-wear-suits“.
So I definitely got good value from my afternoon of reading.
Also, the actual point of the book is good stuff.
The point being: Hey, the qualities and personality quirks to which you owe all your success are — now that you’ve reached this level of success — no longer relevant. In fact, they’re probably even hurting you, so please be conscious and start changing your habits and patterns
Very good stuff.
And: bonus points for having a title that’s a perfect example of how to choose a title (memorable, contains a curiosity-grabbing hook, and sums up what it’s about).
Minuses
For all his harping on large doses of compassion, listening and gratitude (and the fact that he’s a buddhist), Marshall Goldsmith doesn’t really come across as being all that into practicing what he preaches.
It’s pretty amusing (but in a horrible, depressing kind of way) when he lets loose a round of advice on the importance of cultivating neutrality and letting go of the need to make destructive comments.
And then he proudly relates a conversation he had with someone who was having trouble moving on from past painful experiences in which he told this person to “take a quarter and call someone who cares.” Lovely.
Hey, Marshall, I was digging your “let’s let go of the need to make destructive comments“, at least theoretically, but now your destructive comments are totally bringing up my need to make destructive comments!
(Note to self. Ow. That whole compassionate thing: way harder than I’d realized. Not feeling it. Oh well.)
Yeah, so I’m willing to accept the concept that dwelling on the past is an unnecessary and sometimes even detrimental activity that’s mistakenly over-encouraged by our extremely pro-therapy society.
Let’s say you can still work on your issues without ever remembering or understanding what happened that created them. Fine.
But, come on. “Call someone who cares“? How is that compassionate?
Or … you know what? Forget about compassionate — don’t you even want to just be helpful? How is anyone supposed to be able to listen to your great ideas if you’re kicking them in the shins while you’re giving them advice?
Don’t you want us to listen to you?
Maybe it’s just me
Sometimes I found myself wanting to jump in and make suggestions, especially when he was describing situations where there were obviously crossed-communication-wires aplenty.
Specifically I was wishing he would read and apply techniques from Marshall Rosenberg’s book “Nonviolent Communication“.
(Aside: What is it with people named Marshall writing about being compassionate? Is it just me or is this a disturbing trend?)
Bottom line: you’ll get good stuff from his book if his macho “love me, love my tough love” approach doesn’t get on your nerves.
Despite the flaws, it’s still better than most business books and he’s really not as much of a jerk as he’d have you believe in the first half of the book. Though yes, my pleasure from the many gems in this book was definitely diluted by my somewhat negative impression of him as a person.
So if you can be open-hearted enough to not want to smack him … well, you’re a better person than I.
Plus you’ll learn a lot. And you can buy it used or get it from the library if you don’t feel like giving money to jerks (or people pretending to be jerks).
As my father says, it just encourages them.
Ask Havi #4: dealing with criticism
Okay, this might end up being the shortest Ask Havi ever.
Because I’m answering this question by pointing you to a. my next noozletter and b. some book reviews. Whee!
Confidential to TL in Wisconsin
Re: your request for tools and concepts to help you deal with other people’s unbearably awful and unasked-for criticism.
Yeah. Yuck. Criticism overload can be completely crippling sometimes. Ugh. Sorry.
The good news is: you’re in luck because I’ve decided to devote the next noozletter to this very subject.
So expect a more thorough discussion of the dealing with criticism issue on Wednesday.
Also, you might get a kick out of two old noozletters — if you’d like some additional perspective on dealing with uncomfortable situations as well as what to do about all those bubble-bursting joy-suckers.
But let’s get you some recommendations!
In the meantime, while you’re waiting on the upcoming noozletter, let me recommend some really great books that will outline useful communication techniques.
These give you some great techniques that you can use in all sorts of situations, not just when you’re suffering from criticism overload.
And you’ll also get some more concrete ideas about how exactly to respond (both in your head and out loud) when other people start throwing criticism at you.
Read this first.
Read pretty much any of the books in Suzette Haden Elgin’s “Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense” series.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.
Suzette Elgin is a genius.
Great tactics for verbally outwitting pretty much anyone, but — more importantly — it’s a way to practice consciously taking care of yourself.
Pictured here: “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense at Work” — just because I thought this one might be the most relevant for you.
Then read this.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” is one of the most useful communication books there is. Ignore the “Kids” part.
This book is not really about kids. This book is for anyone who ever was a kid.
Also, this book will make you such a better communicator, and help you get that much better at deflecting (or even better — understanding) any negativity that seems to be coming your way.
Finally, read this.
Because it helps to have some more theory. And a method.
Marshall Rosenberg’s book “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” is a total keep by the bed book.
It outlines a user-friendly formula for dealing with conflict. Or any potentially uncomfortable situation, for that matter.
Aside: My gentleman friend and I live by this method — thanks to Jonathan Sheff for making me read the book!
Just to be fair, I must warn you that in this book, in addition to the great method, you will also find some of the most excruciatingly cheesy bits of poetry every published.
I know! Just ignore those though because the method rocks rocks rocks.
That’s all the homework for now.
On Wednesday you can read my “dealing with criticism” noozletter and maybe that will shed some more light on things as well.
In the meantime, happy reading.
Good luck with everything you’re working on and let me know how it goes.