What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
The science behind your habit (Or: It’s not your fault. It’s your brain!)
Ow, make my patterns stop hurting!
There’s this semi-creepy deja vu thing that starts happening when one of your patterns kicks in. You know when it’s happening when you catch yourself thinking, “Again?!” Or “Oh boy, here we go again … ” Or, “I can’t believe this is happening again!”
In fact, the worst thing about doing something you wish you weren’t is that sinking feeling of again-ness. Here we *are* again. Again!
Sometimes it’s a peaceful conversation with your parents/partner/roommate that goes whonky and devolves into conflict. Sometimes it’s finding yourself beating yourself up verbally for a really familiar mistake. Sometimes it’s just there you are with the refrigerator door open, with no idea how you got there. It doesn’t really matter which pattern.
The point is: Aaaaaaargh, Patterns!
Truth is, of course, we’re in pattern mode all the time. The way you stand, the way you react to certain smells, the way you breathe. It’s all patterns and patterning. But you tend to only think about it when one specific pattern is driving you batty and you just can’t find your way out of it.
It’s not your fault. It’s your brain!
Before you start hating on yourself for succumbing to those irritating habits and patterns, here’s the out, and it’s legitimate, too: it’s not your fault that you repeat the same behaviors over and over again. That’s your wiring. It’s the job of your brain to follow patterns. That’s how it works, so that’s what it does.
Not that shifting all the blame to your brain is any great reassurance, but there you have it. Your zippy little neurons, bless them, like doing familiar things so they can zoom off on autopilot. No “road less traveled” stuff for them. They like the old, familiar path.
Your brain is filled with neural pathways. They’re formed by your oldest habits and memories, and (this part is kind of crazy) are actually strengthened every time you repeat a familiar action. Or react emotionally in a similar way. Or mull over how much you can’t stand something or someone.
I’m not bringing this up to scare you (we’ll get out of the scary in a second, I promise). It’s just amazing to me the way you can sometimes almost see the neurons in your brain whizzing right past the less deeply marked pathways and following the old road that they know so well. Whoosh!
You can picture those neurons pretty easily if you think about what water looks like when it’s following a path on the windshield in the rain. The raindrops that hit your window don’t go any which way. They find their squiggly little groove and stick to it.
It’s exactly like the way that path formed in your yard, the one from the door to wherever you go the most. There were all sorts of other routes that path could have followed, including tiny variations, but there you have it. The path you trod into the grass is “the path”. For now.
The good news: it’s all change-able
The same malleable, squooshable, impressionable (literally!) quality of the brain that made it so easy for your old patterns to form is exactly what’s going to help you make new ones.
The brain takes to new things really well, as long as you throw repetition into the mix. In brain science terms we call it neuroplasticity, which basically means that you have the ability to create NEW grooves and pathways, and the existing ones will heal up and disappear if left on their own.
If you stopped taking that path in your lawn and made a habit of jumping over to a new patch of grass, voila a new path. The more you take the new path, the more obvious its “pathness” will become. In time, the old path sprouts green stuff and stops calling to you. In the brain, this process is even faster.
So what does this mean in real life?
- You’re not a slave to your patterns, even though it often *really* feels like you are.
- Depending on how you look at it the malleability of the brain can be your downfall or it can be your salvation. But you get to choose.
- Every single time you stop and jump from the old path to the new one, it’s good news for you and your brain. Even if you’re already waaay down the path, the second you take a step off of it, you’re strengthening the new and softening the old
As my partner likes to say (he saw it on a t-shirt): Science works, bitches!
There’s probably a way of getting that point across without offending anyone who reads my stuff, but nothing is coming to mind (sorry, mom). But you know what, you can also take that sentiment and replace “science” with “yoga”.
The yoga of changing your brain
The world of yoga philosophy is where I first encountered these concepts of pattern-changing. In yoga there is a concept called samskaras — patterns in the consciousness.
These patterns can take physical form in pain and stress, or in the way you remember what relaxation feels like. They can be your thought patterns. Or they can be bigger life patterns that show up over and over again. These are the things some people call karmic patterns, psychologists call “very interesting”, and other people call bad luck.
Those fun and not-so-fun brain grooves are literal applications of samskaras. The way you change your samskaras is the same way you change anything else. With practice. With acknowledgment, love, patience and a lot of self-forgiveness. Over and over again.
If you don’t feel like those things are readily available to you, you do it by paying attention to your patterns so you can learn about them. And by being open to the possibility of maybe, eventually, becoming someone who can handle a little acknowledgment, love, patience and self-forgiveness coming your way.
The yoga teachers and the brain scientists agree on this one. The thing that makes it so hard to make changes is actually, with practice, the thing that will make it easier for you to stick to them. Yep, another paradox.
But the cool thing is, once you know how patterns work, it’s easier to jump off that garden path and onto the new one. When “again” becomes a clue and not a reason to smack your forehead, you’re on your way.
Why this stuff is *so* important
So here I am, spending my life helping smart, creative people change their patterns so they can go do “that thing” they know they want to be doing. And still, people want to know … “So what’s the point of working on my patterns again?”
Well, I kind of have a lot to say about that, but in the interest of brevity, let me give it to you in bullet points. Working on your patterns gives you:
- freedom (the ability to do stuff differently at will)
- choice (the ability to spend time with that compassionate loving person you suspect you might sometimes be)
- power (the ability to do the thing when it needs doing and trust yourself to be great at it
And if you’re interested in doing some deep work on those patterns, specifically patterns related to “growing the cool thing you do, putting it out there, making monies with it and feeling comfortable with that”, I’m doing a special version of my Habits Training group coaching program this September. The theme is Mindful Biggification. More info on that coming soon.
In the meantime, here’s another resource. It’s a book!
To learn more about this mind/brain intersection, read Sharon Begley’s book, Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain. This is not one of those “think positive and it will change your life” self-help-ey books. It’s actually a really interesting look at how the brain actually works, how you work and what choices you have.
Solving the “but I just don’t have time!” problem
But I just don’t have time!
There is this weird and yet totally understandable thing that happens to people (and by people I mean: me and everyone I know). It happens when you find yourself in deep procrastination avoidance, in deep freak-out mode, or both.
Here’s what it’s like: You remember this really good technique. You know it works. You remember that using it makes everything better every time. And yet … exactly. You’re not using it. And you’re not going to. Why? Because you don’t have the time! (Insert fist-shaking and groaning as necessary).
Since you don’t have any time, you’re obviously not going to take time out to do it (time out of time you don’t even have). C’mon, you don’t even know why you’re reading this. And even if you did have an extra minute, you wouldn’t waste it working on calming down.
Sure, it would be great if you just had time for it, but you’re not going to pause. Even if it does mean getting focused. Even if it does mean finding out what you really need to do (especially since it’s probably “nurturing your inner self” or something equally embarrassing).
Okay, now I’m just being silly. But it really feels like a kind of paralysis. The thing has to get done. There is a deadline. There are people counting on you. And everything is getting stuck. It’s all going wrong. And that is incredibly frustrating. The last thing you want to hear is that you need to stop.
Welcome to what I call the mindful time management paradox.
When you’re not in flow, it seems like stopping will make it all worse. If anything, it seems like you should really be working faster to get in flow. You feel how urgent it is for things to start working — to catch the next wave, as my friend Michael says, and –paradoxically — the way to do that is to stop.
Not for very long. But for a minute.
That’s the paradox. It takes time to make time. Taking the time now makes it all go faster when you’re actually doing it. Because . . .
- When you’re functioning from a place of clarity, you’re way more likely to catch (or even avoid) those errors that get made out of haste and annoyance. The same errors that result in everything becoming a tangled, irritating mess. Huge time-saver.
- When you’ve taken time out to get your bearings, you make better decisions. Decisions that impact everything else you do.
- When you stop to re-assess, ground yourself and calm down, everything you do happens more quickly and smoothly. Things start falling into place. That’s what flow looks like.
Plus you have perspective. And perspective is the thing that keeps you from banging your head against the wall. Yay, perspective! Good stuff.
You have to stop to get started
So you have to stop to get started. But you don’t want to! What’s next?
Well, there are a number of ways to stop and consciously get back on track. The more conventional ones are things like stopping and breathing, (though, really, who wants to do that?).
The more advanced ones are techniques like using five minutes of Shiva Nata (yoga brain training) or Qi Gong to get back into flow. And those rare people who can actually make the switch from melt-down mode to meditation can just do that, and we’ll try not to hate them for it.
But it just so happens that I have a do-it-yourself 45-second exercise for you that works like a charm. So try it.
Getting back into flow: a 45-second exercise
- Take your index and middle fingers as if they were velcroed together, and start tapping gently underneath your nose, right at the funny little indentation there. Try and breathe consciously.
- Release tension in your jaw. Maybe even open your mouth and move your jaw around a little. Imagine that you can soften your forehead and smooth it out. Drop your shoulders.
- Say to yourself, “I am allowed to not want to take this pause. It’s okay that I just want to keep going. I’m just going to take a minute — one minute — to see if I can’t get back into flow. Even though things are stuck for me right now, I am willing to release any stuck parts that I can. I am willing and ready to let things start moving again. I am ready to catch the next wave.”
- Keep tapping. Close your eyes and yawn three times, as loudly as you can get away with.
- Stick out your tongue and make a face.
That’s it. Go back to working on the thing (you know, the thing). Take this break whenever things are heading towards stuck.
FYI: Some changes afoot (yes, afoot!) at The Fluent Self
It’s now harder than ever to do private coaching with me. Not that I’m complaining — I love this work — but there are more people who want to work with me and not enough … well, there’s that pesky time thing again.
For one thing, I just can’t fit everyone in. For another, I’ve found that the people who are already familiar with this work and the system I use get their mind-blowing results way faster. Which is better news for everyone. More flow!
So, to save us both time, and to enable results to happen even more quickly for you, I’ve instituted some prerequisites.
Yeah, and thanks for reading. I really do appreciate how hard it is to take time out for anything, even (especially?) a dose of remembering how useful it is to be in the self-learning process.
Those bubble bursting joy suckers
Ow Ow Ow Stop Poking! (It hurts when the bubble bursts)
A friend of mine recently closed his yoga studio and went back to wearing a suit to work. (I mean, is that every yogi’s nightmare or what?) He said something about financial stresses and taking care of his family, but I can’t help thinking about something else that happened a while back.
About a year or so ago his teacher told him that he wasn’t “ready” to teach internationally. He wasn’t “ready” to become a well-known, well-respected teacher. I’ve watched his enthusiasm drain and his energy crumble in the time since then. I’ve watched him second-guessing and doubting himself. Himself, his path and his abilities.
Another friend is in distress right now because her teacher, whom she has been tirelessly promoting for ages, actually asked her to take her own fitness DVD off the market so as not to be in competition.
And another client recently decided not to do something with her music (even though all her teachers said she was a phenomenal talent) because her parents told her that those teachers were probably just being polite.
No fun!
Teachers, parents, mentors. Those special people we respect, admire and love. We want them to like us. And to clap their hands when we ride a bike for the first time. They’re “supposed to” support us and be there for us. We would like for them to be our biggest fans, and in an ideal world they are.
But sometimes they shoot our ideas down, or actively try to keep us from growing, or bring up a hundred and one reasons why the thing we’re so excited about will go horribly wrong. And we feel hurt and anxious because we need to know that we are supported and safe. Yuck, yuck, yuck. No fun at all.
I’ll talk some other time about why the people you admire so much do this (sometimes even — annoyingly and ironically — because they truly think it is the best way to love and protect you). I’ll also discuss how to make sure you align yourself with the right kind of teachers. For now, though, I just want to address what to do when what you need most is support and what you’re getting instead is criticism and censure.
When you need support but all you’re getting is criticism
Guess what? Life can be like that. People will raise questions that shake your great ideas. People will make criticisms about your dreams and plans. People will say things that set off your stuff and push your all buttons. It’s gonna happen, so let’s work on shifting the focus from how much it sucks (and yes, it does) to what to do about it.
Here are five techniques to consider:
Technique #1: What can you do to separate?
Right now their “stuff” is interacting with your “stuff”. One of the most useful things you can do is to practice separating what’s yours from what’s theirs. Your criticism from their criticism. Your judgment from their judgment. Your hurt from their hurt.
Sometimes it’s enough to just name it. As in: “Wow, I’m really angry right now. That’s clearly my stuff. They’re feeling worried. That’s their stuff. I need to know that they want me to succeed. My stuff. They need to know that they are going to succeed (or that I’m going to be careful). Their stuff.” And so on.
This act of conscious separation creates some space for you to acknowledge and identify with first your own pain and then theirs. Ironically, this extra little bit of distance is going to be the thing that will allow you to get a little closer to yourself and maybe even to them — instead of getting closer to your own distress.
Technique #2: How can you get better at building your own tower?
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received was from one of my teachers from when I lived in Israel who said: “Instead of being against them, be for yourself.”
I thought about it and it seemed like it would be a pretty hard thing to do. It is. The good news, though, is that positive energy gets you where you want to be a lot faster than negative energy, which leads you back to brooding, moping and general stuckification.
You’re allowed to mourn when someone knocks down a piece of your tower. And then you go back to building it up again. It’s not about knocking theirs down in return. It’s about building yours up.
Technique #3: Who will you choose to spend your time around?
It hurts to say goodbye to a teacher. Or to realize that certain friends or relatives shouldn’t be the ones to first hear about your plans and ideas. It’s going to be up to you to start consciously, actively bringing support and encouragement into your life.
Start actively welcoming some encouragement into your life. Start asking for it. I know you will find the right people to give you support and rejoice in your successes. In the meantime, repeating conscious reminder phrases or affirmations can be very useful, such as, “I am ready to be surrounded by people who believe in me.” or “I am ready for support, comfort and acknowledgment in every aspect of my life.”
As always, if that’s not something you’d ever say, tweak it until it doesn’t make you roll your eyes.
Technique #4: How can you “do unto others” (right now)?
Ask yourself, what can I do to be supportive and encouraging for other people? How can I get better at mirroring the sort of loving acceptance that I want to be receiving in my own life? How can I practice getting good at this business of letting people feel good about themselves?
(Added bonus: this technique will also help you identify more with the people who are not being supportive right now AND it will help you get better at explaining to people how you want them to support you.)
Technique #5: What if there is no enemy?
Even though you’re allowed to be feeling hurt and disappointed, agree to try taking a break from automatically thinking of your detractors as “bubble bursting joy suckers”, as another friend of mine calls them. Yes, it’s funny. And yes, it feels so true sometimes. What if they weren’t, though? What if there is no enemy in this situation?
Are they really “bubble bursting joy suckers”? Could be. It’s possible. More likely, though, it’s just, you know, people with “stuff”.
We all have “stuff” (emotional and mental stuck bits of hurt) and sometimes our stuff sets off their stuff. Sometimes their stuff sets off our stuff. So instead of sticking the BBJS sticker on their foreheads, it’s going to be more helpful to shift the attention and focus to the things that do help.
Such as? Giving yourself as much love and encouragement as you can stand without forcing it on yourself. Actively seeking out mentors and teachers who do think you’re that great (you are!). Working on your own stuff instead of of raging against theirs. Letting yourself have your stuff and letting them have their stuff. Staying in the practice.
That’s what it’s all about. Techniques are great. But it all comes back to taking a deep breath and coming back to the practice.
Resources and recommendations
When dealing with people who seem to be acting like Bubble Bursting Joy Suckers, communication is key! Communication is power. Communication is also a door to empathy. The better you are at expressing your needs and recognizing their needs, the smoother everything in your life will go. Three books you should really read:
“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” is one of the most useful communication books there is. Ignore the “Kids” part. This book is for anyone who ever was a kid.
“The Last Word on the Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense“. Suzette Elgin is a genius. Great tactics for verbally outwitting any Bubble Bursting Joy Suckers and for taking care of yourself.
Marshall Rosenberg’s book “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.” A fantastic formula to help you deal with conflict or any potentially uncomfortable situation, for that matter. Work to live by.
Dealing with tax day panic
I’ve been hearing a lot of kind of cartoon-ey noises from my clients lately, especially now that tax day is approaching here in the States. As in: “Gak! Tax day! Gurgle! Blech! Koff! Ugh. Oy.”
Yep, everyone’s got issues and money is one of those things that will always set them off. It’s a button-pusher for sure. Maybe even the button-pusher. And to make it even more complicated, those issues aren’t just about money itself — they’re about your relationship to money.
I’m certainly not foolhardy enough to think that we can resolve this life-patterns stuff in an article or even in a workshop. But you can narrow your focus and work towards allowing little shifts. Thought shifts and action shifts. Little ones. The main thing is to constantly learn more about how you relate to yourself and to your stuff — every new piece of information means progress.
Think themes, not solutions
So, instead of examining this or that particular technique, it’s important to start by choosing a THEME to work on. For now, forget about working on how to make more money. Forget about working on how to be less stressed out about money or how to stop hiding in the closet when you think about money. Instead of working on your money stuff directly, just choose a concept or a theme to work on that’s related to the money stuff.
Is there a word that can stand in for the “thing” you need most right now? In other words, what is the quality that having it or understanding it or feeling it would make your relationship with money less problematic, sticky, uncomfortable, etc.
For example, stuff like . . .
FLOW, TRUST, ACCEPTANCE, RELEASE, GIVE & TAKE, SUPPORT, CLARITY, TRANSPARENCY, STABILITY, ENOUGH…
These are all things that you might want to be feeling, having more of, or incorporating into your life. Instead of tackling your money issues head-on (ow, ow, ow) or defaulting into avoidance-at-any-cost mode, choose a word. Choose one word you want to work on, and see what you can do to bring more of that word into your life.
Of course (you’re at least one step ahead of me), words are nothing without actions. We’ll still need some techniques for this, so: a look at two types of ways you can work on your theme: soft and hard.
“Soft” techniques (not just for hippies!)
The problem with a lot of the advice you get for dealing with money is that it’s so darned practical and “common sense-ey”, completely ignoring how scary and frustrating the subject can be. And because these how-to techniques don’t deal with the emotional stuff, they’re irrelevant to your underlying issues (and also really annoying).
It’s just not helpful when someone tells you: “Do the responsible thing and prepare your taxes ahead of time!” because . . . well, it just isn’t. I mean, how is that supposed to help you while you’re rolling on the floor tearing out your hair? It’s never helped me.
Don’t just barrel into the common sense stuff if it brings up your issues. Instead, choose “soft” techniques that work on the energy and emotional aspects of what you want to be working on.
Reminders, not affirmations
Don’t go too soft. I definitely don’t recommend the whole “I’m a gazillionaire, I’m a gazillionaire” school of forcing yourself to repeat things that aren’t true in the hopes that if you just believe them the universe will reward you. However, repeating reminders of what you want to be working on is a really powerful way to create focus, intention and peace of mind.
“I am ready to welcome stability into my life and my finances” is a nice reminder, as is “I choose to bring my attention to the numbers in my life, so I can get better at having clarity in everything I do.” If this is too cheesy for you, rephrase it so it sounds like something you might actually be willing to say.
Symbols, rituals, and all that fun stuff
In the yoga world, where I come from, you can talk about these things in terms of chakras. In this model, money is tied to the first and second chakras (grounding and flow, respectively).
Of course, you don’t have to “believe” in chakras or other energy models for them to be useful for you. It can just be a way to symbolically bring attention to the themes you want to work on.
So, if you want to work on symbolically bringing grounding, stability and support into your life, spend some time hanging out with your feet. Massage them, roll tennis balls under them, spread your toes and pay attention while you’re walking around. Use your focus on the feet as a way of symbolically drawing support from the earth and grounding into stability. And if you want to symbolically work on flow, dance dance dance. Take a shower, hang out near some water, plant some seeds, shake your hips and put on some music with a happy beat.
And then, because it’s not enough to just “cultivate a sacred relationship with the self” or whatever they’re calling it these days, bring on the “hard” techniques!
“Hard” techniques (not just for grown-ups and people who wear suits!)
Those of us who like to tackle problems through chanting stuff, casting spells or wearing our lucky socks sometimes have trouble with the whole logical, methodical, coming-up-with-a-plan side of things, but as it turns out, these skill sets are really useful too. All the smart, sensible action steps that you can take are “hard” (as opposed to soft) techniques. Stuff like …
Get a great accountant
Find someone who is together and on top of things, and also compassionate and non-judgmental. You’re choosing someone to be on your team so make sure you like them.
Take a course or get some financial coaching
- Conscious Bookkeeping is a great organization that is all about helping you make peace with your money issues.
- Mark Silver from Heart of Business does a lot of writing about these themes from both spiritual and business angles, and also has an Opening the Moneyflow program.
Have weekly money meetings
Get a friend or colleague to give you a tutorial in Quicken or Quickbooks, and spend 20 minutes each week hanging out with your finances.
Dec 31 is the new April 14: take the day off
Figure out how long it takes you to do taxes and then mark that time on your calendar for the end of December. Take a day or two off work, tell everyone else to go away and do your taxes then. Seriously, there is no greater feeling that waking up on New Year’s knowing that your taxes are done (as I discovered this year for the very first time). Oh, and take notes on the process so that you can start doing stuff right this year to make it easier next year.
The art of combining hard and soft (and an example)
When it comes to using techniques, you always want enough hard to balance out your soft. That’s just how it is–if you really want it to work you need both. Balance is important and not just in your accounts. It’s about head and heart. You want to involve the mental and the emotional, the physical and the spiritual, the practical and the wacky.
So when you choose your weapons (I mean, your non-violent techniques), it’s a good idea to always make sure you have some of both. For example, I have a morning money ritual that combines looking at the numbers (hard) with doing a short meditation on clarity and stability (soft).
It’s all practice
Yes, of course, even just learning about your relationship with money is complicated and fraught with, you know, stuff. For sure. Sometimes it’s better and sometimes it’s full of horribleness. It’s all part of your practice. There are days when you’ll feel invigorated and other times when you’re just going to need to roll around on the floor and throw some pillows, which is okay too.
This way your focus is no longer on solving the whole problem by this tax day or next tax day, it’s about being open to letting some of your money stuff shift and move. Which it will, because you’re working on it
Tax day hug from the duck for those who need it!
The science of taking breaks
Eight years, baby
A couple of weeks ago my eighth year anniversary of quitting both sugar and caffeine rolled around. It’s not something I celebrate exactly — since, you know, I don’t eat cake or anything, but I do always pause and remember how bleeping hard it was.
It was hard because you really can’t think straight when horrible cravings are mixing with the initial and unpleasant physical symptoms (headaches, irritability, lack of energy, devastating brain fog).
And it was hard because of the lack of support from the people around me (“What’s wrong with you? What kind of crazy person would do that? Have some coffee and a piece of pie and we’ll talk about this. . .”).
And it was hard because I went about it so completely wrong (which is another story–remind me to tell you sometime because it’s a good one).
But the hardest thing about saying goodbye to any unwelcome, addictive or self-medicating behavior (whether it’s a drug that everyone would agree is a drug or one that is a drug just for you, or even just checking email a hundred times a day), is not the week you spend curled up fetal, crying on the floor. It’s the whole problem of not knowing what to do when you really need a break.
Guess what? Your habit is giving you something important
There are benefits from your habit. Sure, it’s hurting you and sure, you know it’s self-abuse and sure, you want to stop. It’s just that every habit comes with some good stuff and that’s what you need to pay attention to, because you’re going to want to replicate it when the habit is gone. Habits give you pauses from pain. Sweet, sweet pauses.
When I work with people who are becoming people who don’t smoke or don’t over-eat, one of the first things we do is map out a plan for the pauses:
What are you going to do when . . .
- you have ten minutes to wait for something and nothing to do?
- you are too angry to speak?
- you have an unpleasant task ahead of you?
- you’re feeling sad?
- you feel the need to stop what you’re doing and process / reassess / tune out?
Smoking and eating “solve” all those problems, and not-smoking or not-eating don’t. It’s not enough to stop DOING THE THING. It doesn’t have anything to do with will power or determination or strength of character. It’s about your relationship to the situations that cause you discomfort. It’s about the stuff that happens in the pauses. This is true for all the things you want to stop doing.
Life is hard sometimes, and you’re going to need the pauses. You’re going to need the sweetness. And finding the new way to give yourself that kind of expansiveness is your big challenge.
Replacing the good stuff with … good stuff
Here is what happens when you’re in the habit cycle. Something uncomfortable happens (usually internal or external criticism or judgment of some sort). This causes pain, which triggers the craving. You then stop to satisfy it, which gives you a break from the pain. Then you throw in an added dose of guilt–which causes the cycle to repeat.
The pattern looks something like this:
criticism → pain → craving → break
The break or the pause is all about giving yourself attention. Which is why the most important thing you can work on when you want to change your habits is the ability to take breaks. To give yourself a break–both in the sense of taking a pause, and in the sense of not being so hard on yourself. You want to learn to ease off the judgment and the criticism, while still giving yourself the right to a little time-out.
Giving yourself attention means taking the break and being with yourself. You might have to do some quick self-talk or some tapping on pressure points, and you’ll want to have something to do with your hands (if you don’t know about things like palming, tapping and mudras, be sure to sign up for the teleclass). Practice feeling as though you deserve to STOP everything and have a break. Practice giving yourself sweetness. Emotional sweetness.
And, as I always say, no more sweetness than you can handle. If you absolutely can’t stand to be kind to yourself in a given moment, for heaven’s sake don’t force it.
It’s not very compassionate to require yourself to be compassionate. And even less so to guilt yourself for “not being able” to be kind. It’s okay, that’s just where you are right now. It’s temporary and it’s also not all that tragic.
You’ve carried this habit around with you for what, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years, right? Another day of working on it is not going to be the end of the world.
It’s not about getting to the top of the mountain
Yep, there are always more mountains. You either spend your life struggling and shaking your fist at the unfairness of it all, or you decide you want to be the kind of person who is equally good at climbing and at stopping to rest. Or both . . .
We’re always working on something. It’s true that I’ve quit lots of things in my day, from cigarettes (one of the hardest) to both milder and more severe forms of self-abuse. And I’m still working on other things. Life is full of challenges.
That’s right. Lest you think I have achieved all, I haven’t. I still have my stuff to practice on and work through, including (but not limited to) mastering the art of writing a sentence without having to insert a parenthetical aside (no, seriously, desperate cry for help). But that’s okay. And there is time. There’s a process and there are pauses. Which is part of the practice of sweetness.
[postscript]
I hope it was clear to everyone, despite my somewhat flippant personal style, that changing habits is hard work. And I hope it’s equally clear that I’m not advocating that everyone quit coffee and sugar. It’s a “lifestyle choice”, it’s certainly not for everyone, and if something isn’t having a negative effect on you, don’t worry about it. To each his own and all that. I’m still on your team even if you want to keep all your habits!