What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
How to ensure that you never get anything done
Hey! The way you’re trying to motivate yourself: totally not working
We all know the “hey, look, I’m not doing that thing I said I’d do” feeling pretty well. And yeah, it’s not fun. When that sinking feeling shows up, you start looking for something that you think will “motivate” you. Something to push you harder so you can get in gear and get that thing done already.
Unfortunately, you (and by you I mean probably you but really, uh, me and everyone else I know) tend to choose ways to motivate yourself that aren’t very good for you. Even worse, it might sorta kinda feel like they work, so you keep using them.
I’m talking about the way you goad yourself with some complicated system of rewards or punishments. Or torture yourself with the “Oh, I just work well under pressure so I intentionally create stress to light a fire under my big old behind” thing.
Two good examples of how this can (not) work, taken directly from people I work with:
Smart, capable woman. Went to great lengths to remove all distractions and fun from her house/life in order to devote the weekend to a project. Which just increased the frustration when the project still just didn’t budge. In fact, it felt like being in prison, but even worse since it was a prison that she’d made for herself. Oy.
Hardworking guy working even harder towards a “reward” vacation he’d promised himself which seems farther and farther away. He just never feels like he’d earned it. To make himself feel better he gives himself mini-rewards, which then trigger the whole guilt cycle again. Oh no! Aaaaargh. Exactly.
Why carrot-stick-ing it is a seriously bad idea
All carrot. All stick. Alternating carrot and stick. There’s a big problem with all of these scenarios. Whether you’re meting out reward or punishment to yourself, it always comes back to the same question:
Do you really want your relationship to yourself to be one where you rule over yourself? Where one part of you gets to boss the other part around?
Whether you’re ruling over yourself with an iron hand or with cookies, it’s still a pretty screwed-up power dynamic. It’s also one that springs naturally from your own life, mirroring past relationships. It’s essentially a parent-child relationship, or teacher-student, boss-employee … you get the idea.
Thing is, though, you’re your own person now, which means that you’re allowed to start being a companion to yourself and not a cranky whip-cracking (and/or cookie-bribing) master.
What would someone who really, really, really liked you do?
If you think about it, all that finger-wagging and keeping yourself in from recess is a surefire way to make sure you resent yourself, sabotage yourself and fight with yourself. This is terrible for motivation — especially since you can’t get much done when you’re stuck in a big pile of internal resistance.
Same goes for trying to impress yourself by being the best student or the best kid so you’ll get a pat on the head. Or trying to meet your needs with toys.
When you get right down to it, self-mastery is just kinda mean. On the other hand, self-friendship — the cheesy-sounding process of learning how to treat yourself mindfully and with compassion — is good stuff. Having access to things like warmth, respect and love is not only more pleasant, but gets you the results faster. It works.
What would it feel like to be able to drop the reward-punishment game? Or maybe a better question is how does it feel to be pushed around when what you’re needing is attention and support? What you would do if your own best friend were hurting?
Dangle a carrot in front of her? Beat him with a whip? Right. I know.
So what’s left?
Sometimes you want to treat yourself like a true friend. Part of you does actually want to be that compassionate, kind person to yourself — you just don’t know how to do it without losing control. Or you don’t want to find out, because what if it’s hard, what if it’s embarrassing, what if you just don’t feel like you deserve to actually be nice to yourself, etc.?
Luckily, you’re not going to have to cheer yourself along like a hyperactive motivational speaker. Or affirm into a mirror that you’re the bestest and the smartest. Because that would be ridiculous.
Three steps, just to get started with.
The three steps (being an amazingly great friend to yourself)
Step 1: Observe
Notice where you’re at. Check in. A really great friend wouldn’t rush right in with a pile of judgments and start beating on you with a guilt-stick. That really great friend would just be concerned about figuring out how you *feel* about the whole thing.
Step 2: Let it be what it is for now
A true friend is not going to think it’s stupid that you’re, say, really, really angry. That kind of friend is also not going to be impressed by it. You are the most important person in their whole life, and if that’s what you’re feeling, that’s what you’re feeling.
This great friend is going to acknowledge what you feel and let you feel it. In fact, your friend will think that whatever you’re feeling is understandable and perfectly justifiable.
Step 3: Find out what you need
That really great friend cares about you deeply. All your really great friend wants to know now is what do *you* need? Not how to fix it, not what you did wrong or where you messed up, but what you need and how you need it.
Bottom line: self-mastery is just not a healthy or sustainable way to have a relationship with yourself. If you ever want to be able to relax — a little or a lot –eventually you’re going to have to work on this friendship thing.
And one little caveat for the road
It sounds obvious and still it’s the first thing that everyone forgets. Forcing compassion = not very compassionate.
Guilting yourself into being a good friend to yourself is that same old self-mastery thing again. It’s very, very easy to slide into “Aargh, I “should” be nicer to myself but actually I’m a terrible person! Oh no! I’m doing it again. Why can’t I just be more freaking compassionate?” mode.
But if you aren’t ready to be nice to yourself, that’s where you are. It’s temporary. No need to turn kindness into another should. It will show up eventually when you’re ready for it. Baby steps are fine. There’s no rush. It’s perfectly okay to find out what’s the nicest thing you can stand right now and leave it at that. That’s where I’d leave it.
Give me back my comfort zone!
No, really, don’t make me leave my comfort zone.
For some reason, all sorts of people seem determined to push you out of where you’re comfortable to where you’re …. well … uncomfortable. Which is bizarre enough that it’s worthwhile to find out why.
Just so you know, I personally have zero patience with the whole “you have to leave your comfort zone if you want to make changes” thing.
Not just because it’s a tired cliche of the “think out of the box” sort. Not just because it’s an annoying self-help-ey trend. But because it’s a seriously bad idea. Also, not true. In fact, I’d call it a potentially dangerous misconception.
True story (file under: don’t try this at home)
My friend David had a girlfriend once who had a whole mess of complicated issues. Without going into the details, let’s just say she’d had a really rough life in a lot of ways and was now dealing with some of the scars and aftermath of her childhood.
Someone — her therapist or a relative, I can’t remember, but some kind-hearted, well-intentioned person who probably doesn’t at all think of himself as a sadist — had the bright idea that she should leave her comfort zone and face her fears.
In fact, if she could just leave her comfort zone once and jump out of a plane, that would be facing her fears instead of hiding from them. Yeah. THAT should cure her fear of leaving the house, fear of intimacy, fear of abandonment, etc.
No one thought she’d actually do it, but she was desperate for something that could shift things for her. She went up into that plane and she jumped. It was the scariest thing she had ever done and the experience, as she described it, was sheer terror.
I’d like to tell you that the combination of adrenaline, exhilaration and good old I-did-it-ness cured her, but of course they didn’t. This experience just became just one more awful thing that she’d suffered through — another bit of proof confirming her dread of everything.
My friend asked her if she could do it again now that she knew she could fall and be okay. And she said that theoretically she could. She could do it every day for the rest of her life. But it wouldn’t get any less terrifying. Her pain was just as painful every time she jumped back into it.
Every time I think about this I want to give this woman a hug. Actually, if everyone reading this could send this woman a mental hug offer right now, I’d appreciate it.
Watch out for people who want you to be somewhere else
We all have issues, stucknesses (I know, not a word) and stuff. Maybe not as severe as hers. Maybe not enough to warrant someone wanting to throw us out of planes. But there are all sorts of well-meaning people who think it’s in your best interest to force you to do some fear-facing, when actually the thing you are needing most is comfort.
I can’t even tell you how many eager beaver coaches I meet at business events who can’t wait to meet people just like you, so they can drag you kicking and screaming from your comfort zone. They think they’re doing you a favor. They’re not.
They’re not doing it out of meanness, of course. They sincerely want to help. They think that if you can leave the place where you’re comfortable and try this new, scary thing, you’ll get over it already. The problem is that sometimes what you need in order to grow is more comfort. And this kind of work needs to happen where you feel safe; where you’re most comfortable.
That’s why there’s a zone for it.
In the future your grandchildren will look back on this age of insisting on people leaving their comfort zones with shock, horror and a sad shake of the head. The way we do now when we think about things like electric shock therapy and lobotomies. The atrocities of good intentions.
And with any luck this shift will happen in our own generation and we won’t have to wait for your grandkids.
Please, don’t get up. Really, where you are is fine.
If you don’t want out of your comfort zone, that’s a sign that you are being compassionate with yourself. Seriously. Hello, it’s the place where you’re comfortable. It’s where you are. It’s okay that you’re there. And guess what?
As far as I can tell, it’s my job as an educator, teacher, coach, healing person, whatever you want to call it, to get in there with you (if I’m invited and it’s comfortable for you, etc) and meet you there. In fact, this kind of mindful compassion is what you should expect and receive from any wellness professional.
Sure, you might not want to be where you are. Sure, the reason you’re working on your stuff, being in the process and hanging out on my blog (oh, hi!) is that some part of you wants to help you work through the stuck and move forward. The good news is, you can also do that work in a way that’s comfortable for you where you are right now.
The idea should not be “jump out jump out jump out”. Instead, your whole process can be about working on your stuff where you are. The funny part is that gradually the things you are comfortable with will grow and expand until the whole world is your comfort zone. Bigger comfort zone = more stuff you’re comfortable with. It’s a good thing.
Instead of leaving your comfort zone, let it grow with you
Stretching is good. Gently. Learning new skills is good. Gradually.
Learning new things doesn’t have to mean leaving the comfort zone. You actually want to be growing your comfort zone. And you can do it with as much comfort as possible. At a pace and speed that are comfortable, with support from people who adore you, and adding tricks and techniques as you go.
Your comfort zone is your friend. So you have my permission to stop trying to break your way out of it and start trying to cultivate it, nourish it, grow it and be nice to it. Hey, I’m waving to you from mine — squeaky duck in hand — right now.
The science behind your habit (Or: It’s not your fault. It’s your brain!)
Ow, make my patterns stop hurting!
There’s this semi-creepy deja vu thing that starts happening when one of your patterns kicks in. You know when it’s happening when you catch yourself thinking, “Again?!” Or “Oh boy, here we go again … ” Or, “I can’t believe this is happening again!”
In fact, the worst thing about doing something you wish you weren’t is that sinking feeling of again-ness. Here we *are* again. Again!
Sometimes it’s a peaceful conversation with your parents/partner/roommate that goes whonky and devolves into conflict. Sometimes it’s finding yourself beating yourself up verbally for a really familiar mistake. Sometimes it’s just there you are with the refrigerator door open, with no idea how you got there. It doesn’t really matter which pattern.
The point is: Aaaaaaargh, Patterns!
Truth is, of course, we’re in pattern mode all the time. The way you stand, the way you react to certain smells, the way you breathe. It’s all patterns and patterning. But you tend to only think about it when one specific pattern is driving you batty and you just can’t find your way out of it.
It’s not your fault. It’s your brain!
Before you start hating on yourself for succumbing to those irritating habits and patterns, here’s the out, and it’s legitimate, too: it’s not your fault that you repeat the same behaviors over and over again. That’s your wiring. It’s the job of your brain to follow patterns. That’s how it works, so that’s what it does.
Not that shifting all the blame to your brain is any great reassurance, but there you have it. Your zippy little neurons, bless them, like doing familiar things so they can zoom off on autopilot. No “road less traveled” stuff for them. They like the old, familiar path.
Your brain is filled with neural pathways. They’re formed by your oldest habits and memories, and (this part is kind of crazy) are actually strengthened every time you repeat a familiar action. Or react emotionally in a similar way. Or mull over how much you can’t stand something or someone.
I’m not bringing this up to scare you (we’ll get out of the scary in a second, I promise). It’s just amazing to me the way you can sometimes almost see the neurons in your brain whizzing right past the less deeply marked pathways and following the old road that they know so well. Whoosh!
You can picture those neurons pretty easily if you think about what water looks like when it’s following a path on the windshield in the rain. The raindrops that hit your window don’t go any which way. They find their squiggly little groove and stick to it.
It’s exactly like the way that path formed in your yard, the one from the door to wherever you go the most. There were all sorts of other routes that path could have followed, including tiny variations, but there you have it. The path you trod into the grass is “the path”. For now.
The good news: it’s all change-able
The same malleable, squooshable, impressionable (literally!) quality of the brain that made it so easy for your old patterns to form is exactly what’s going to help you make new ones.
The brain takes to new things really well, as long as you throw repetition into the mix. In brain science terms we call it neuroplasticity, which basically means that you have the ability to create NEW grooves and pathways, and the existing ones will heal up and disappear if left on their own.
If you stopped taking that path in your lawn and made a habit of jumping over to a new patch of grass, voila a new path. The more you take the new path, the more obvious its “pathness” will become. In time, the old path sprouts green stuff and stops calling to you. In the brain, this process is even faster.
So what does this mean in real life?
- You’re not a slave to your patterns, even though it often *really* feels like you are.
- Depending on how you look at it the malleability of the brain can be your downfall or it can be your salvation. But you get to choose.
- Every single time you stop and jump from the old path to the new one, it’s good news for you and your brain. Even if you’re already waaay down the path, the second you take a step off of it, you’re strengthening the new and softening the old
As my partner likes to say (he saw it on a t-shirt): Science works, bitches!
There’s probably a way of getting that point across without offending anyone who reads my stuff, but nothing is coming to mind (sorry, mom). But you know what, you can also take that sentiment and replace “science” with “yoga”.
The yoga of changing your brain
The world of yoga philosophy is where I first encountered these concepts of pattern-changing. In yoga there is a concept called samskaras — patterns in the consciousness.
These patterns can take physical form in pain and stress, or in the way you remember what relaxation feels like. They can be your thought patterns. Or they can be bigger life patterns that show up over and over again. These are the things some people call karmic patterns, psychologists call “very interesting”, and other people call bad luck.
Those fun and not-so-fun brain grooves are literal applications of samskaras. The way you change your samskaras is the same way you change anything else. With practice. With acknowledgment, love, patience and a lot of self-forgiveness. Over and over again.
If you don’t feel like those things are readily available to you, you do it by paying attention to your patterns so you can learn about them. And by being open to the possibility of maybe, eventually, becoming someone who can handle a little acknowledgment, love, patience and self-forgiveness coming your way.
The yoga teachers and the brain scientists agree on this one. The thing that makes it so hard to make changes is actually, with practice, the thing that will make it easier for you to stick to them. Yep, another paradox.
But the cool thing is, once you know how patterns work, it’s easier to jump off that garden path and onto the new one. When “again” becomes a clue and not a reason to smack your forehead, you’re on your way.
Why this stuff is *so* important
So here I am, spending my life helping smart, creative people change their patterns so they can go do “that thing” they know they want to be doing. And still, people want to know … “So what’s the point of working on my patterns again?”
Well, I kind of have a lot to say about that, but in the interest of brevity, let me give it to you in bullet points. Working on your patterns gives you:
- freedom (the ability to do stuff differently at will)
- choice (the ability to spend time with that compassionate loving person you suspect you might sometimes be)
- power (the ability to do the thing when it needs doing and trust yourself to be great at it
And if you’re interested in doing some deep work on those patterns, specifically patterns related to “growing the cool thing you do, putting it out there, making monies with it and feeling comfortable with that”, I’m doing a special version of my Habits Training group coaching program this September. The theme is Mindful Biggification. More info on that coming soon.
In the meantime, here’s another resource. It’s a book!
To learn more about this mind/brain intersection, read Sharon Begley’s book, Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain. This is not one of those “think positive and it will change your life” self-help-ey books. It’s actually a really interesting look at how the brain actually works, how you work and what choices you have.
Solving the “but I just don’t have time!” problem
But I just don’t have time!
There is this weird and yet totally understandable thing that happens to people (and by people I mean: me and everyone I know). It happens when you find yourself in deep procrastination avoidance, in deep freak-out mode, or both.
Here’s what it’s like: You remember this really good technique. You know it works. You remember that using it makes everything better every time. And yet … exactly. You’re not using it. And you’re not going to. Why? Because you don’t have the time! (Insert fist-shaking and groaning as necessary).
Since you don’t have any time, you’re obviously not going to take time out to do it (time out of time you don’t even have). C’mon, you don’t even know why you’re reading this. And even if you did have an extra minute, you wouldn’t waste it working on calming down.
Sure, it would be great if you just had time for it, but you’re not going to pause. Even if it does mean getting focused. Even if it does mean finding out what you really need to do (especially since it’s probably “nurturing your inner self” or something equally embarrassing).
Okay, now I’m just being silly. But it really feels like a kind of paralysis. The thing has to get done. There is a deadline. There are people counting on you. And everything is getting stuck. It’s all going wrong. And that is incredibly frustrating. The last thing you want to hear is that you need to stop.
Welcome to what I call the mindful time management paradox.
When you’re not in flow, it seems like stopping will make it all worse. If anything, it seems like you should really be working faster to get in flow. You feel how urgent it is for things to start working — to catch the next wave, as my friend Michael says, and –paradoxically — the way to do that is to stop.
Not for very long. But for a minute.
That’s the paradox. It takes time to make time. Taking the time now makes it all go faster when you’re actually doing it. Because . . .
- When you’re functioning from a place of clarity, you’re way more likely to catch (or even avoid) those errors that get made out of haste and annoyance. The same errors that result in everything becoming a tangled, irritating mess. Huge time-saver.
- When you’ve taken time out to get your bearings, you make better decisions. Decisions that impact everything else you do.
- When you stop to re-assess, ground yourself and calm down, everything you do happens more quickly and smoothly. Things start falling into place. That’s what flow looks like.
Plus you have perspective. And perspective is the thing that keeps you from banging your head against the wall. Yay, perspective! Good stuff.
You have to stop to get started
So you have to stop to get started. But you don’t want to! What’s next?
Well, there are a number of ways to stop and consciously get back on track. The more conventional ones are things like stopping and breathing, (though, really, who wants to do that?).
The more advanced ones are techniques like using five minutes of Shiva Nata (yoga brain training) or Qi Gong to get back into flow. And those rare people who can actually make the switch from melt-down mode to meditation can just do that, and we’ll try not to hate them for it.
But it just so happens that I have a do-it-yourself 45-second exercise for you that works like a charm. So try it.
Getting back into flow: a 45-second exercise
- Take your index and middle fingers as if they were velcroed together, and start tapping gently underneath your nose, right at the funny little indentation there. Try and breathe consciously.
- Release tension in your jaw. Maybe even open your mouth and move your jaw around a little. Imagine that you can soften your forehead and smooth it out. Drop your shoulders.
- Say to yourself, “I am allowed to not want to take this pause. It’s okay that I just want to keep going. I’m just going to take a minute — one minute — to see if I can’t get back into flow. Even though things are stuck for me right now, I am willing to release any stuck parts that I can. I am willing and ready to let things start moving again. I am ready to catch the next wave.”
- Keep tapping. Close your eyes and yawn three times, as loudly as you can get away with.
- Stick out your tongue and make a face.
That’s it. Go back to working on the thing (you know, the thing). Take this break whenever things are heading towards stuck.
FYI: Some changes afoot (yes, afoot!) at The Fluent Self
It’s now harder than ever to do private coaching with me. Not that I’m complaining — I love this work — but there are more people who want to work with me and not enough … well, there’s that pesky time thing again.
For one thing, I just can’t fit everyone in. For another, I’ve found that the people who are already familiar with this work and the system I use get their mind-blowing results way faster. Which is better news for everyone. More flow!
So, to save us both time, and to enable results to happen even more quickly for you, I’ve instituted some prerequisites.
Yeah, and thanks for reading. I really do appreciate how hard it is to take time out for anything, even (especially?) a dose of remembering how useful it is to be in the self-learning process.
Those bubble bursting joy suckers
Ow Ow Ow Stop Poking! (It hurts when the bubble bursts)
A friend of mine recently closed his yoga studio and went back to wearing a suit to work. (I mean, is that every yogi’s nightmare or what?) He said something about financial stresses and taking care of his family, but I can’t help thinking about something else that happened a while back.
About a year or so ago his teacher told him that he wasn’t “ready” to teach internationally. He wasn’t “ready” to become a well-known, well-respected teacher. I’ve watched his enthusiasm drain and his energy crumble in the time since then. I’ve watched him second-guessing and doubting himself. Himself, his path and his abilities.
Another friend is in distress right now because her teacher, whom she has been tirelessly promoting for ages, actually asked her to take her own fitness DVD off the market so as not to be in competition.
And another client recently decided not to do something with her music (even though all her teachers said she was a phenomenal talent) because her parents told her that those teachers were probably just being polite.
No fun!
Teachers, parents, mentors. Those special people we respect, admire and love. We want them to like us. And to clap their hands when we ride a bike for the first time. They’re “supposed to” support us and be there for us. We would like for them to be our biggest fans, and in an ideal world they are.
But sometimes they shoot our ideas down, or actively try to keep us from growing, or bring up a hundred and one reasons why the thing we’re so excited about will go horribly wrong. And we feel hurt and anxious because we need to know that we are supported and safe. Yuck, yuck, yuck. No fun at all.
I’ll talk some other time about why the people you admire so much do this (sometimes even — annoyingly and ironically — because they truly think it is the best way to love and protect you). I’ll also discuss how to make sure you align yourself with the right kind of teachers. For now, though, I just want to address what to do when what you need most is support and what you’re getting instead is criticism and censure.
When you need support but all you’re getting is criticism
Guess what? Life can be like that. People will raise questions that shake your great ideas. People will make criticisms about your dreams and plans. People will say things that set off your stuff and push your all buttons. It’s gonna happen, so let’s work on shifting the focus from how much it sucks (and yes, it does) to what to do about it.
Here are five techniques to consider:
Technique #1: What can you do to separate?
Right now their “stuff” is interacting with your “stuff”. One of the most useful things you can do is to practice separating what’s yours from what’s theirs. Your criticism from their criticism. Your judgment from their judgment. Your hurt from their hurt.
Sometimes it’s enough to just name it. As in: “Wow, I’m really angry right now. That’s clearly my stuff. They’re feeling worried. That’s their stuff. I need to know that they want me to succeed. My stuff. They need to know that they are going to succeed (or that I’m going to be careful). Their stuff.” And so on.
This act of conscious separation creates some space for you to acknowledge and identify with first your own pain and then theirs. Ironically, this extra little bit of distance is going to be the thing that will allow you to get a little closer to yourself and maybe even to them — instead of getting closer to your own distress.
Technique #2: How can you get better at building your own tower?
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received was from one of my teachers from when I lived in Israel who said: “Instead of being against them, be for yourself.”
I thought about it and it seemed like it would be a pretty hard thing to do. It is. The good news, though, is that positive energy gets you where you want to be a lot faster than negative energy, which leads you back to brooding, moping and general stuckification.
You’re allowed to mourn when someone knocks down a piece of your tower. And then you go back to building it up again. It’s not about knocking theirs down in return. It’s about building yours up.
Technique #3: Who will you choose to spend your time around?
It hurts to say goodbye to a teacher. Or to realize that certain friends or relatives shouldn’t be the ones to first hear about your plans and ideas. It’s going to be up to you to start consciously, actively bringing support and encouragement into your life.
Start actively welcoming some encouragement into your life. Start asking for it. I know you will find the right people to give you support and rejoice in your successes. In the meantime, repeating conscious reminder phrases or affirmations can be very useful, such as, “I am ready to be surrounded by people who believe in me.” or “I am ready for support, comfort and acknowledgment in every aspect of my life.”
As always, if that’s not something you’d ever say, tweak it until it doesn’t make you roll your eyes.
Technique #4: How can you “do unto others” (right now)?
Ask yourself, what can I do to be supportive and encouraging for other people? How can I get better at mirroring the sort of loving acceptance that I want to be receiving in my own life? How can I practice getting good at this business of letting people feel good about themselves?
(Added bonus: this technique will also help you identify more with the people who are not being supportive right now AND it will help you get better at explaining to people how you want them to support you.)
Technique #5: What if there is no enemy?
Even though you’re allowed to be feeling hurt and disappointed, agree to try taking a break from automatically thinking of your detractors as “bubble bursting joy suckers”, as another friend of mine calls them. Yes, it’s funny. And yes, it feels so true sometimes. What if they weren’t, though? What if there is no enemy in this situation?
Are they really “bubble bursting joy suckers”? Could be. It’s possible. More likely, though, it’s just, you know, people with “stuff”.
We all have “stuff” (emotional and mental stuck bits of hurt) and sometimes our stuff sets off their stuff. Sometimes their stuff sets off our stuff. So instead of sticking the BBJS sticker on their foreheads, it’s going to be more helpful to shift the attention and focus to the things that do help.
Such as? Giving yourself as much love and encouragement as you can stand without forcing it on yourself. Actively seeking out mentors and teachers who do think you’re that great (you are!). Working on your own stuff instead of of raging against theirs. Letting yourself have your stuff and letting them have their stuff. Staying in the practice.
That’s what it’s all about. Techniques are great. But it all comes back to taking a deep breath and coming back to the practice.
Resources and recommendations
When dealing with people who seem to be acting like Bubble Bursting Joy Suckers, communication is key! Communication is power. Communication is also a door to empathy. The better you are at expressing your needs and recognizing their needs, the smoother everything in your life will go. Three books you should really read:
“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” is one of the most useful communication books there is. Ignore the “Kids” part. This book is for anyone who ever was a kid.
“The Last Word on the Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense“. Suzette Elgin is a genius. Great tactics for verbally outwitting any Bubble Bursting Joy Suckers and for taking care of yourself.
Marshall Rosenberg’s book “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.” A fantastic formula to help you deal with conflict or any potentially uncomfortable situation, for that matter. Work to live by.