What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
3 steps to dissolving that mental roadblock
Three steps to dissolving that mental roadblock
When you know what to do but don’t want to do it, chances are good that something deceptively simple is getting in the way — a word.
Words can be healing. And words can be roadblocks. This is because they are not “simple” at all — they’re chock full of associations. Of course, half the time we’re not even fully aware that they are driving us up the wall. For example …
- You know that you need a plan to finally get your financial situation in order, but the word “plan” is loaded for you and subconsciously sets off your stuff. Every time you think the word you become too annoyed and stressed out to even start.
- Some clients come to me because they know it’s time to out themselves as performers, to admit to being singers and writers, or to finally “do something” with their art. But their loud negative associations with words like “artist” and “performance” slow them down to the point that they can’t truly self-identify with the thing they want to be doing.
- If, like me, you came late to the world of business, you might be dealing with regular resistance to concepts like “networking”, “marketing” and other yucky words which are setting off your internal “ewwwwwwwww” alarms.
What not to do about it
Maybe you’ve noticed this kind of thing happening. Or maybe it’s happening on a less conscious level and you just aren’t doing the thing you think you want to be doing and aren’t quite sure why.
Welcome to the club. Yup, if you’re having allergic reactions to words, you’re not alone. It’s natural and normal and happens to just about everyone. We all have issues around words and luckily, there’s a pretty decent cure.
If a word is setting off your stuff, you might be tempted to ignore it or bulldoze through it. Don’t do it! The “get over it already” school leads to repression, pain and more trouble later on. If you want to move through the current state of word “stuckification”, there are three steps you can take to get there. But first, a little bit about …
The hidden life of words
Words have a hidden emotional charge that is highly individual. Life experience adds up and gives words layers of powerful and subtle associations, attaching secret definitions that are both complex and very personal.
Take the word “plan” again. When Sunny has a problem she likes to sit down and come up with a plan. Working on the plan helps her calm down instantly and feel like she’s in charge of the situation. But when Dave even thinks about planning he gets an instant stress-headache. He goes straight into “Aaaaaaargh, a plan? What if it doesn’t work, what if I’m unhappy, then what?” mode.
From the wrong word to the right one in three steps:
Rewriting your patterns starts with rewriting the words you use to describe them.
Step 1: Define the trouble word.
If we do a little linguistic mapping taken from my clients, Sunny’s definition of PLAN looks something like this:
PLAN = [+control] [+possibility] [+options] [+choices] [+freedom] [+calm] [+spacious]
Dave’s definition, on the other hand, is more like this:
PLAN = [+commitment ] [+pigeonholing ] [+danger] [+possible unhappiness] [+stuck] [+stress]
Step 2: Define the elements that you want your word to contain.
What are the characteristics of your ideal definition or your ideal result? For example, you want to move away from [+fear] [+obligation] [+consequences] and towards something that has [+safe] [+supportive][+encouragement].
Step 3: Take action. You have two options here.
Your first option is to shift your personal association by reframing the word. When I work with clients we do some semi-wacky stuff like acupressure and visualization/perception techniques to introduce the new definition into the body-mind. But you can also do this just in your head, by actively deciding that from now on, planning doesn’t need to be about being stuck. Instead, you decide that planning is actually about mapping out your options so that you’ll never be stuck.
If reframing the word doesn’t work, go with this second option: change the word. Sometimes instead of shifting the definition, it can be easier to choose a new word that already holds the qualities and positive attributes you want your ideal definition to have.
For example, Dave’s ideal definition of a plan was similar to Sunny’s positive definition, but in his case, it turned out the word PLAN was so loaded for him that it just wasn’t worth shifting. When we played with the words, we realized that he didn’t want a PLAN at all but a TREASURE MAP instead.
How do you know it’s worked? Or that you’re done?
The wrong word keeps you from moving forward, the right word gets you excited about it. It’s a little like homeopathy, in that the problem contains the solution: “Like heals like.” You use words to heal words.
Whether you’ve redefined a word or renamed it, you’ll know it’s worked because the word itself will have a glow or a resonance for you. Having a new word with built-in yummy goodness is a way to step out of the negative cycle that was being triggered for you by your problem words.
Maybe you discover that working on your treasure map is actually kind of exciting. Marketing may not make you smile, but maybe “shining your light” will. And “inspiring people to feel” could be a lot more attractive for you than “performing”.
They’re your words. And they have power when you give them power. Have some fun with them. Find ones that don’t make you roll your eyes. And who knows, maybe a little healing will happen along the way too. Stranger things have happened.
The ‘wrongest’ question and what to do about it
Ask a stupid question, get a wrong answer
I know, I know. “There are no stupid questions”. And yet, it turns out you and I are probably asking questions every day that are getting us into trouble.
I’d hate to write one of those boring articles about the the “value of asking the right questions”, so instead, here’s a short bit on how powerful (and surprising) it can be to rephrase the wrong ones.
Especially since we probably ask the wrong ones every single day.
A wrong question (Oh, the wrongest!) and five right ones
Here is an example (courtesy of one of my wonderful clients, whom I am going to refer to as Judith) of what can happen when you ask the wrong question.
One of the habits that Judith has been working on building is that of a regular morning yoga practice. The idea was to carve out half an hour at home before breakfast. Which was yielding amazing results — until it got really, really cold, and all of a sudden it just wasn’t happening.
We talked it over and it turned out there was a wrong question being asked. It turns out Judith was asking herself: “Do I really want to crawl out of my toasty-warm, snuggly comforter and pad across the cold, cold floor just to have the satisfaction of knowing that I did yoga today?”
Wow, I don’t know about you but as far as I’m concerned there are only two possible answers to that question. It’s either a long, drawn-out “Mmmphphugrle?” followed by snoring, or a resounding “No! Leave me alone!”, followed by snoring.
This is exactly why it’s so important to be aware of your internal questions and carefully rephrase them. To save you the brainstorming process, here are five ways you can take that “wrong” question and turn it around to make it a right one.
Right question #1: relate to the benefit
Judith knows from experience that when she does yoga in the morning, everything else in her day is more in flow. She’s more likely to be in the zone at work, she’s less likely to fly off the handle at her über-sarcastic co-workers, and she only needs one cup of coffee instead of two.
“Do I want things to go smoothly today and to be completely in the zone so I can work effectively? How great would that be?”
Right question #2: change the scenario
Maybe Judith really can’t do her usual practice in the cold. That still doesn’t have to mean no practice at all. Changing the scenario is always a possibility, and asking a “right question” can help you change it.
“What if I brought all my blankets with me onto the floor this morning and did fifteen minutes of stretching and breathing? And then how about warming up for the day while dancing around to 80s music while I think about other solutions to the weather situation?”
Right question #3: offer options
Not every right question has to result in the answer “Yes, I’m doing it!”. Good questions offer options and open up possibilities.
“Would I rather push my off practice until the evening, or do I know it just won’t happen? Do I want to institute an evening practice just for the winter months, and if so, what are three things I can do to make sure it works?”
Right question #4: fix it
Some questions can actually help you figure out what action to take so that the problem you’re dealing with is no longer a problem.
“Okay, I’m giving myself the conscious, guilt-free gift of sleeping in today and I’m taking a moment to ask myself what specific actions I can take this evening to make it more comfortable for me tomorrow morning. For example, what if I set the thermostat so that it’s not so cold tomorrow morning?”
Right question #5: find out what you need
The body and mind know exactly what we need and tell us often. Usually, though, we’re either not listening or actively trying to drown it out (“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”). Ask the right question and you’ll learn all sorts of things about what you really want and how you can get it.
“What am I needing right now? How does my need for stability and routine and clarity (all of which I get when I actually remember to get out of bed and do yoga) interact with my need to be comfortable and warm? Is there a way I can alter my practice so that it works with those needs too?”
Bonus right question (always good)
If you can’t think of a useful suggestion, try to think of ways to treat yourself with kindness. If you don’t know how, just ask yourself. It’s pretty amazing what the subconscious will come up with when you throw a question into the mix.
“What can I say to myself in this moment that would be helpful and compassionate? What is the kindest thing I can bear to hear? What can I do to work on appreciating myself despite the fact that I’m not perfect and not always in the mood for yoga and haven’t fixed everything in my life and maybe never will?”
The cost of asking the wrong question
When you ask the wrong questions, you slide back into your unconscious patterns and do things the same old way, even though you know what the results will be. When you ask the right questions, you frame your habits and patterns in a positive light. You discover that you’ve been dreading things that make you happy, avoiding things that make you successful, and fighting things that hold the key to getting what you want.
Good questions move you away from blame (“I’m such a lazy dope”) and into solution mode (“Okay, here are three things I could try”).
Of course, sometimes it’s hard to remember to ask the right question — especially when you’re sleepy and curled up in pillow land. So a useful thing to do is to ask the good questions ahead of time and then put them on a sticky note that goes on the alarm clock.
My absolute favorite question: If every moment is one of learning, what can I learn in this moment by bringing my attention to it?
And my challenge question to you: Is there one “wrong” question you’re thinking of that you suspect you ask yourself — and could it be rephrased to be a smart, compassionate, useful one?
Resolutions that actually work
New Year’s resolutions that don’t involve beating yourself up
I love New Year’s. Not the whole party thing of course, which is not at all my cup of tea. My cup of tea is a hot, steaming … well, cup of tea. Preferably with yerba buena leaves floating in it.
I invariably fall asleep well before midnight. And five years as a bartender cured me of ever wanting to imbibe an alcoholic beverage. Or to even leave the house, for that matter.
It’s just that I really enjoy beginnings. Marking time. Looking back. Making plans. The whole process of symbolically closing a circle and opening a new one.
Luckily, there’s no shortage of new year moments in the year. Being Jewish provides me with four different “new year” observances each year, since Judaism is full of wonderful wackiness, and I even go so far as to celebrate three of them (don’t ask).
And then there’s January first. And of course September which just kind of smells like going back to school, but in a good way. Plus there’s my birthday in March when I take the day off and meditate on the year that was.
So the whole year, for me, is filled with many sweet moments of resting, reviewing, examining and preparing. Which is exactly how I like it.
Still there’s something about the two-thousand-and-eight-ness of it all — the official moving of the digit and the having to remember every time you write a check — that makes this official new year more solemn and more scary than the others.
The trick to resolutions that work
You’ve probably noticed that I talk a lot about how self-mastery is a waste of time and self-friendship is the way to go.
Usually what happens when we start making resolutions is that we make them in the “wrongest” way. We start beating ourselves up for what we didn’t accomplish and threatening about what we’d better get right this time. Oh, my dear, it just doesn’t work like that.
“I’m going to finally drop all that weight this year, goshdarnit” is not a useful resolution.
“No more screwing around and procrastinating!” is not a useful resolution.
“I want to start making some money for a change!” is not a useful resolution.
If you find yourself making the same old resolutions this year about what you should be doing or what you wish you were doing, maybe it’s time to approach the whole darn thing differently this time around. Here are the components of coming up with resolutions that actually work:
PRACTICAL
- Is your resolution specific?
- Can if be broken down into baby steps?
- Is it realistic (can it actually be done?)
- Do you have a plan?
- Is it track-able?
“I’m going to come up with a four month plan to fit into my old favorite pants, and I’m going to do that by a. walking for at least fifteen minutes every morning, b. drinking a glass of hot water before each meal, c. journaling around what I eat and when, d. going to yoga twice a week and e. practicing Shiva Nata three times a week for half an hour.”
“I’m going to figure out the five things that scare me most about writing this book / applying for that job / starting that band and I’m going to journal about them every day. I am writing down ten baby steps I can practice taking to begin feeling comfortable with this new thing. To this end, I am creating a new ritual of listening to one of the Emergency Calming Techniques every night before bed for ten minutes.”
“I am ready to have a conscious, intelligent, mature relationship with money. I’ve called my brother-in-law and he’s going to give me a Quicken tutorial this weekend. I’m signing up for a Conscious Bookkeeping course. Plus I’m instituting a five minute ritual before breakfast where I do one of Havi’s calming techniques and look at my numbers. I put my laptop on the kitchen table before bed so I won’t forget.”
ACCOUNTABLE
- Are you committed to your resolution?
- Do you have back-up in the form of a partner, friend, coach or mentor who will gently, kindly and firmly hold you to your decisions?
- Do you have a support network and how is it going to work?
“Two girlfriends are taking turns walking with me in the morning and I got my friend who’s doing a yoga teacher training to promise to drag me to class on Tuesdays.”
“I’m on a forum where a bunch of people are dealing with all of the same procrastination issues that I’m going through. I’m committing to post there every day.”
“I’m checking in with my brother each week and we’re comparing notes on our financial goals. I’m also packing lunch at night and putting aside what I normally spend on eating out into my ‘hire a business mentor for three months’ fund.”
COMPASSIONATE
- Are your resolutions “love-oriented” (do they come from your desire to have more “good” in your life or are they a way of punishing yourself for not being perfect?).
- How compassionate do your resolutions feel?
- Are you considering and interacting with your feelings when you make these resolutions?
- How are you motivating yourself with encouragement and support, rather than blame and criticism?
- And, if this whole compassion thing still seems impossible for you, how are you working with this information consciously so that you can get better at practicing kindness with yourself?)
“I’m ready to work on having a conscious relationship with my body where I can work on being able to say nice things to myself no matter where I’m at. It’s important to me to be strong and healthy. Even though I don’t always feel very confident or positive in my body, I’m committed to this process of learning to eventually like myself anyway.”
“I know inside that the thing I’m so scared to do is really kind of a gift to the world. I’m ready to work through my fear around being seen and noticed so that I can do this giving. Even though I’m pretty terrified, this process is important to me and I know I can grow from this if I take it slow and ease off the pressure.”
“I am aware of the anxiety I have around facing my money issues. I’m actually kind of proud of myself for just being willing to work on this so directly. I know I’m headed in the right direction and even if it takes time, at least I’m trying to invest in myself and take care of my future.”
Got the difference?
Ask yourself again: What would it your resolutions look or sound like if they were compassion-oriented rather than goal-oriented? If it were actually possible for you to motivate yourself through encouragement rather than blame and self-criticism … what would your life be like then?
What steps would be needed in order for you to even want to interact with yourself in this kind, conscious way? And what parts of these steps are terrifying and depressing?
Are these thoughts exciting? Terrifying? Liberating? Panic-inducing? Drop me a line and let me know — we’ll talk about moving through this process together in our next teleclass. And good luck!
This has been the best year ever for me, so many thanks to you for being part of it and for participating in the “virtual community” that makes my job such a pleasure. I know the upcoming year will be even better than the last one and am absolutely looking forward to sharing it with you.
Self mastery is a big ol’ waste of time
News flash: self-mastery is a big ol’ waste of time
As the new year approaches and resolutions start piling up, it’s easy and tempting to slide into “self-mastery mode”. You’re determined to do it right this time and beat your bad habits to a pulp — and that’s where all the problems start. The thing is, self-mastery is just not the smart way to do things.
In self-mastery mode, you have to constantly struggle to maintain your position as the strongest, the fastest and the smartest. You’re always fighting, and worse, your enemy is you. You’re beating on your brain and/or your body.
As long as self-mastery is your goal, you’ll never escape the power dynamic and never stop fighting with yourself.
The smart way to work on your stuff
If there’s a smart way to do it differently, it’s clearly going to have to be less violent and less exhausting. The truth is, you’re always going to have “stuff” because that’s just part of being alive. The smart way is to stop fighting with your stuff and instead let your stuff be your teacher.
First of all, notice when your stuff is coming up — in your practice, in your relationships, in line at the supermarket, etc. Notice how you interact with your stuff — if you ignore it, fight it or let it drag you down. Look and listen for patterns.
Paying attention to your patterns helps you figure out what your stuff is trying to tell you, without being impressed by it. Remind yourself that your patterns don’t define you and don’t say anything bad about who you are. They’re just the messenger.
Do it differently
When you drop the self-mastery paradigm, you let go of the never-ending power struggle. You can’t inadvertently commit violence against yourself. You interact with your stuff instead of trying to demolish it.
You learn from your fears and anxieties instead of fighting them. You release them instead of stomping on them. You forgo fighting for a life-long process of learning about who you are, how you work and how you interact with yourself and the world around you. You abandon the self-abuse mentality of “mastery” to work on self-knowledge, self-acceptance and, who knows, maybe even self-love.
You know that proverb you see on inspirational calendars about how the mind makes a terrible master and a wonderful servant? Well, it turns out that those aren’t your only options. The mind can also be a friend and partner who encourages and supports you in everything you do. Your self-work practice can help you make friends with your mind, if you commit to the idea of putting your energy towards releasing your patterns rather than conquering them.
It’s not about self-mastery, it’s about self-friendship.
When you’re befriending your mind instead of trying to whip it into shape, everything changes. In our next teleclass we’ll be talking more in detail about how to be in this process and make it work. For now I’m wondering …
What would your New Year’s resolutions look or sound like if they were compassion-oriented rather than goal-oriented?
If it were actually possible for you to motivate yourself through encouragement rather than blame and self-criticism … what would your life be like then?
And are these thoughts exciting? Terrifying? Liberating? Panic-inducing? Scary stuff, being nice to yourself. I know. Take it in baby steps.
6 tips for dealing with uncomfortable situations
Dealing successfully with uncomfortable, high-stress (holiday) situations
There is no stress like the stress of having to be nice to people you don’t actually feel like being nice to. Welcome to the holiday season.
Here in America we are bombarded with Christmas music in every shop, the usual avalanche of decorations and advertisements, and furrow our brows with irritation at the sense of duty and obligation that sometimes seem to just come with the season.
Big family get-togethers can bring out the worst in everyone as old family patterns come to the surface. You’re dealing with your stuff. Other people are dealing with their stuff. Their stuff sets off your stuff, your stuff sets off their stuff and pretty soon you’re all yelling at the top of your lungs — or pursing your lips and pretending nothing happened, depending on your family’s history, patterns, ethnic/cultural make-up …
Patterns are everywhere: you have your personal emotional and mental patterns, your family has its group behavioral patterns, and under duress it’s easy to default to your absolute worst patterns.
Your patterns show up and are reflected in everything you do; relationships, work, the way you treat your body, the way you interact with strangers and everything else that happens to you in any given moment. So if you add stress + patterns + family + “having to” be nice, it’s going to descend into a big messy, uncomfortable Kerfuffle, if you will. Yes, my people say kerfuffle.
The way out of the stress and into the self-learning process is through compassionate interaction with yourself. The better you get at being kind to yourself, the easier it becomes for this pattern to be reflected into your interactions with others. It’s a process, and to say that it isn’t always easy is an understatement.
6 quick tips for surviving high-stress family and/or group situations
1: There is no such thing as feeling insulted
If you sense that you’re being “insulted”, remember what a wise teacher of mine once said to me: being insulted means you suspect a kernel of truth in the accusation. If your brother-in-law tells you your “hot pink wings make you look like a wanton buffoon”, you probably won’t be offended (assuming that you don’t actually have wings).
If he says, “Nice love handles”, then it hurts, because you suspect he might be right. When the hurt comes up, remember that this is your stuff. Find out why you think this remark feels true, and why it hurts. Give yourself a hug.
2: There is also no such thing as feeling betrayed, rejected or attacked
I know it seems like there has to be, since we think we feel these things all the time. The distinction is that these are all judgments, not feelings. “Angry”, “sad” and “irritated” are feelings. “Betrayed”, “rejected” and “attacked” are plot summaries from the narrator’s point of view.
3: Try to describe the feeling
Go for what you are feeling instead of summarizing what you think is happening. For example, “I am noticing that I’m feeling really annoyed when Uncle Leopold doesn’t speak to me, because I need to be acknowledged and encouraged.” Once you have worked through the feelings, then you’ll have some more clarity around what’s actually going on. You don’t have to speak these out loud; it’s often enough just to get clear in your own head.
4: You are entitled to feel what you feel — be it angry, sad or any other FEELING
As you practice using feeling words rather than judgment words, remind yourself that whatever you are feeling is okay. Whatever you are feeling is what you are feeling. Notice when you are loading up your feelings with extra layers of guilt and obligation (“What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just stop being annoyed about this?”). If you’re feeling annoyed, let yourself feel annoyed. It doesn’t define you. It’s a temporary moment and you’re allowed to be in it.
5: Practice Miller’s Law
If your Aunt Hildy says something that sounds crazy or mean, try assuming that what she said makes sense somehow and work backwards, asking the following question: “If I assume that what she just said is true, what is it true of?” (Or: “how is it true?”)
Use the moment to learn something about yourself (how you think, how you react) and/or something about Aunt Hildy (what she needs). Don’t operate according to your assumptions of subtext or hidden meanings based on the past. Instead, try assuming that things make sense and then figure out what part of the pattern you’re not seeing or hearing.
6: The art of “taking a moment”
Give yourself time out whenever you need it. If it’s possible, try saying, “Excuse me, I need a moment to myself”. If that’s not going to work, retreat to the bathroom for a few minutes or go read a book to one of the kids. Taking a moment to regroup, reconnect to your intention and check in with yourself is a huge help. Give yourself plenty of moments to practice being kind to yourself.