A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

The gap between noticing a reaction and being able to shift or adjust that reaction, aka Part Two…

Where were were last time?

Last week I wrote about a useful practice in self-fluency, the slow and ongoing process of recognizing when we get reactive.

Which also entails recognizing how we are reacting to whatever set that off, and then how we are reacting to our reaction, aka judging ourselves for our reaction (usually, often).

And then the next step becomes noticing where we might be able to lovingly interrupt those patterns, or noticing where in that pattern is some room for play, so that we can meet ourselves with some sweetness as we do this work…

A practice of generosity

Mainly of course this process is about learning about being generous with ourselves as we do this.

In other words, adding in compassion where we can, making space for the experience and the discomfort and whatever feelings arise as we get more practiced in this work of witnessing ourselves going through life.

Which is a huge topic, maybe even the biggest topic.

Maybe even the biggest topic

I didn’t get to many of the points I wanted to cover, and then people brought up their own thoughtful and wise noticings in the comments, so I thought this week we could try to touch on those points as a follow-up…

And then this week, I got massively activated in an interaction with someone and was given a good chance to really observe/feel/experience this whole messy process in action, so maybe next time I will tell you about that, and how that went.

Let’s play!

When awareness of the reaction is not enough to change the reaction

(And this is usually going to be the case!)

This lovely comment from Patricia reminded me of just how hard it is or can be when we are working on this stuff:

thank you for this. today there was a big reaction and awareness that it was a reaction vs a response. and that awareness was not enough to change the reaction. that is hard. i feel freakish, misunderstood, isolated.

so i am immensely grateful for the reminder about acknowledgement and legitimacy. with heartfelt appreciation -o-

Yes, this is all so familiar to me too, and I’m sure also for anyone reading, this experience of having the flash of awareness, and it not being enough to shift anything in the moment, and then the perceptions or narratives that can flood our consciousness after experiencing that…

Taking a moment, and then another moment

So first of all, I just want to thank Patricia for sharing this relatable content (the most relatable content!), and to remind all of us that it really does take such a long time to move from that awareness to an actual shift in behavior, or something that feels more visible or palpable from the outside.

Sometimes we can feel so (legitimately! understandably!) frustrated about how we aren’t able to change the reaction yet, that we aren’t able to just take a moment to celebrate what a big deal it was to be able to even have that awareness in the moment.

Awareness is a win, and: it doesn’t always feel like one at all

The moment of extra awareness is a win, a big one, whether it feels like it or not, and whether we are able to remember that or not.

And: knowing that might not help us feel any better either, haha.

And then yes, we add Acknowledgment & Legitimacy to the entire process and the feelings that arise, including our own very reasonable frustration about not being able to react differently even though we wanted to.

Hashtag #RelatableContent

This is extremely relatable content, and I’m glad Patricia brought it up, because:

One of the most frustrating aspects of pattern-noticing is in fact that exact gap between being able to notice the sequence of events and emotions in our reaction pattern, and then being able to do anything at all about that reaction…

Yes? You’ve experienced that too, I assume.

Even though it’s true (and hopeful!) that noticing the pattern shifts the pattern, this doesn’t necessarily mean we are going to clock any immediate palpable changes. Quite often the way that noticing shifts the pattern is at first by extending the pattern.

In other words…

In other words, the way we are shifting the sequence or the location of the sequence-shift comes from adding on to the end of an existing pattern.

A sequence of events and reactions happened, and usually we jump in after to analyze. That’s great. We added on to the pattern, which is a form of changing the pattern.

However, you could also say that every moment of noticing the pattern is an addition to the pattern, which is also changing the formulation of the pattern, which is absolutely something to celebrate.

Creating little portholes of noticing!

From another perspective, we are also creating little doors or portholes of noticing in between the pattern-points.

Right? We observe something happen that sets us off.

Maybe we are also able to observe the tension in our body as this is happening or another physical reaction taking place.

Maybe we are able to watch ourselves as we [react reactively] in our predictable way and not how we would (ideally) like to respond in this situation.

Maybe we are even able to notice ourselves judging ourselves for this or feeling frustrated with ourselves for not being able to handle it more gracefully as we wish we could or think we should!

That is a ton of good noticing!

This is a ton of good noticing!

And, each time we are able to be in this noticing state alongside or immediately after our reactions, we are making space within the pattern for something new to emerge.

Has it emerged yet?

Not in any noticeable way from the outside maybe, but from the inside we are doing big and important work, and it matters. We are setting things up for the next time, and the time after that.

We are solidifying or strengthening the desired pattern of being loving Noticers or Witnesses, and as we do this, we make space for next time.

We are making space for next time

We carve out the place in the pattern for a future iteration of this experience, where we will be able to jump in with our Wise Selves to respond differently.

The pattern-shifting is in process, fluid, alive.

We are doing the work, even if it can feel frustrating that this work hasn’t seemed to bear fruit yet.

There is no one and done, that’s why it’s a process

This actually reminds me of dance, and how when you are learning to dance, you learn where to step on “the one”, aka the first beat of a bar of music.

Over time, as you train, you learn about all the different moments that exist leading up to The One, that first beat, as well as all the space that is inside that beat, and between it and the other next beat.

You learn how to fill that space with your body; how to use your feet and your breath and spine and your entire being to embody and accentuate that beat, and differentiate it.

Not only does this not happen the first time you learn about this concept, but it doesn’t happen most of the times you try to do it.

Learning how to get this understanding first into your mind and then to move it from your head into your body is an ongoing process…

So we notice, and we do more noticing, and this can feel exhausting

And also it’s great training.

We’d like to think that we could move evenly and seamlessly from “oh, I’m noticing how I’m reacting in a moment” to “and now I’m reacting differently”, and yet: hahahaha, no, it hasn’t happened yet, and that’s fine.

The noticing is still a big deal and it matters, it still supports the training and is part of the training.

We’re working on it, this is an ongoing process

So we meet the frustration with Acknowledgment & Legitimacy, and we meet ourselves with love when we can where we can, and we try to give ourselves more credit for the work of noticing.

While it’s true that we weren’t able to catch the reaction in time this time, we still created more space within the pattern, and that spaciousness is a real and meaningful shift. That spaciousness is what is going to allow us to react differently over time.

Right now we’re working on it.

(And we will still be working on it, and refining it, even when we are able to react differently.)

There is no done, there is a loving, ongoing process of improvement and refinement, and giving ourselves credit.

But what can I do to speed up this process????

Or, what can we do while we are patiently training?

I would like to offer a technique here that I find useful, and you might find helpful to experiment with. Like a dance drill, but for the mind.

This technique is specifically for meeting that frustration that arises when we aren’t able to visibly, palpably change the pattern even though we have been doing the work of noticing the pattern.

And the way I do this is by adding the words EVEN THOUGH to each of my noticings or observations, as they come up.

Por ejemplo

So if we use Patricia’s example as sort of a general setup that is familiar to all of us: an interaction or a situation happens, we can actively notice ourselves reacting reactively as opposed to responding in a more measured way, aka the way we wish we could respond.

And then there are feelings and narratives that wash over us in reaction to having experienced all of this in the body-mind.

Here are some ways I might apply EVEN THOUGH in this situation…

Using the EVEN THOUGH method…

This is me talking to myself in the aftermath of a moment like this:

Okay, even though I am feeling this big surge of feelings, judgment and recrimination over how I reacted, I am also giving myself credit for noticing the reaction as it happened, good job babe…

Even though I wish sincerely that I could have responded differently in the moment, the moment was the moment, and the river current that carried me through it was the most familiar neural pathway to take, and the work to build the new pathway takes time.

Even though I feel frustrated that noticing the pattern wasn’t enough (this time! yet!) to shift the pattern, I am reminding myself that actively noticing the pattern is in fact shifting some element of the pattern.

Even though this isn’t how I wanted to react…

Even though this isn’t how I wanted to react, I am remembering that next time and over time it will keep getting easier for me to jump into the new neural pathway that I am carving in my mind by having this conversation with myself, and being the observer who observes.

And we keep going…

Even though I am noticing myself feeling frustrated with myself and my reaction, can I make space for that legitimate frustration and also meet this situation with some degree of compassion, like I would for a beloved friend who was going through something like this?

Even though I am noticing a narrative come up that says that I am freakish, misunderstood, and isolated, is there some room for me to lovingly challenge or interrupt that narrative in any way?

Aka what’s true and what’s also true…!

How much of this story or perception is self-criticism monsters?

Even though I very legitimately and understandably don’t enjoy feeling these uncomfortable feelings that come from the perception or narrative of I am [Freakish, Misunderstood, Isolated], I am reminding myself that all feelings are legitimate, and some of the perceptions might be monster stories…

Even though I am feeling big feelings inside of this perception or narrative of F!M!I! (freakish! misunderstood! isolated!), I can remind myself of all the ways that I am not freakish, misunderstood or isolated…

Being a human having human interactions is hard!

Even though it is painful to go through an interaction and not be able to react differently, I can appreciate that being a human having human interactions is hard.

We are brave for even trying to notice, learn about and shift our internal patterns never mind to play with how they might echo out into interpersonal interactions!

People aren’t trained at this! Most people we are interacting with most of the time aren’t even necessarily thinking about practicing noticing their own patterns at all, never mind doing it.

The worthy practice

Even though this work can feel lonely and challenging, it is a worthy practice to keep adding compassion to our relationship with ourselves for its own sake, and also so that eventually we can have more fulfilling interactions with other people.

Or meet ourselves with love, patience and understanding when we can’t. Yes? YES.

Where do we go from here?

You guessed it. We keep practicing, and we give ourselves credit for practicing.

This is not the kind of thing where there are only wins when you get visible results. That would be a silly and very frustrating way to practice! There are so many seemingly small and yet extremely meaningful wins within the practicing.

We notice what we notice, we give ourselves credit for the work of being Noticers.

We add compassion. We practice Acknowledgment & Legitimacy.

We try things

For example, we can use our Even Though sentences. Sometimes I just sit down with a notebook or an open document in the Notes app, and set a timer, and write thirty Even Thoughs. It usually helps more than I think it will.

This is a great thing to practice if it’s not already in your toolbox or repertoire. Or if you haven’t played with it in a while (I know we’ve talked about it a lot here over the years), maybe it’s time to bring it back.

If you want to play with using Even Though sentences, let me know in the comments, or let me know how that goes. I personally find it very helpful in interrupting or rewriting the narratives of my mind.

And we keep trying things

Obviously there are many options for us in the category of Try Things.

For me personally it’s less important what I try and more that I try something.

Maybe for you it’s doing some journaling after an interaction, or interviewing Slightly Wiser You who is more skilled in responding to these situations. Maybe it’s doing something physical to move the stress energy out of your body. Maybe it’s showering off stress pheromones. Maybe all of the above or maybe something different…

For now…

I am wishing everyone who reads so much love and support in your efforts on this practice, and I want to really acknowledge just how challenging it can feel to even work on this.

We are brave and stalwart for trying things, and for our continued efforts.

All the work of noticing helps. If we fall down, or lose ourselves in a moment, or get tangled up in our stories and perceptions, we will find our way back. That too is part of the process. Love and legitimacy for all of it, I’m in it with you.

Love to everyone who reads. Leave a pebble in the comments -o- or share anything you’re working on, or use the space practice some Even Thoughs of your own, it’s welcome.

Let’s play.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

A useful practice

A useful practice

A useful practice, if you are someone who is interested in self-fluency, which is probably you if you’re here, is developing the ability to notice when we get upset or distressed or activated in some way, and maybe something about what sets us off.

This is a skill that we finesse over time, adding compassion as we go, making room for ourselves and our experience.

As we notice what we are noticing, of course we can add Acknoweldgment & Legitimacy, we can try to bring some sweetness into our noticing.

Spaciousness

Again, we work on creating a cozy yet spacious container of sanctuary space, in which it is safe for us to be feeling whatever we are feeling as we experience it.

Yes, I am feeling angry and upset about this, I’m allowed to feel that way, it makes sense that I feel that way, these emotions are moving through my physical body and I am making space for them to move through me…

Sometimes the emotions feel as though they are bigger than us, and we need to come back into right perspective, we contain them and not the other way around. They are temporary, and we contain the wholeness.

Noticing

Sometimes our noticing practice is about providing context: Oh, I notice that I feel upset in response to [x category of behavior or y words], and I am also noticing that my emotional state is more intense if I’m premenstrual or it’s hot outside or I have a headache, etc.

So there’s acknowledgment and legitimacy for my reaction and my reactiveness, and also the recognition that these emotions might be heightened due to circumstances.

Sometimes this is good and useful! Maybe if I wasn’t having that heightened experience, I wouldn’t have been able to clock my reaction to the same degree. Maybe I need this extra burst of emotion to really let myself be as upset as I need to be.

Situation [now] reminds me of situation [then]

Sometimes I can notice that I am feeling MORE intensely, if the current situation is reminding me of a past situation.

As we practice this over time, you might find yourself becoming more adept at this — noticing faster, recognizing that we get reminded of the same hurts because they still hurt more than we think.

This week I wanted to tell you about a situation in my life currently that really only barely has to do with me that has been stirring up all kinds of big feelings for me, and it turns out these big feelings are yet again about something else!

Practicing, in action, in community

This is the practice of noticing, in action, in community.

Or: I am experimenting with modeling what one form of this kind of noticing might look like, in case this is helpful for you.

Obviously, we bear in mind that People Vary. We are all different people having different experiences, your mileage may vary etc.

You are welcome to take any clues that might apply, and tweak things in a way that works for you.

Noticing, take one…

The situation is my friend’s

My friend, a skilled, competent, warm-hearted yoga person, has run an excellent and very thorough yoga teacher training for some years. If I could wave a magic wand and have everyone who teaches train with her, I would.

Someone else is starting up a rival teacher training in the same extremely small town, and this person has been publicly saying negative things about both my friend and my friend’s training that simply are not true, in order to grow her own program.

This is not what is setting off feelings for me though

This all is, sadly, extremely normal boring yoga world drama, and all it makes me feel is sad that my friend is going through this.

Sad and also frustrated that people who study yoga deeply often still can’t work with the basics (speaking truth, for example), and just sort of generally disillusioned with everything.

But not big waves of feeling. Just a slow lapping at the shore of feelings, if that makes sense.

Where the big feelings come in

Where the big feelings come in is that my friend does not wish to correct these lies because my friend does not wish to “compete”.

My friend wants to believe that the truth will prevail, and light over darkness, and all that.

Which, putting aside that this is not the world we live in (points to plummeting vaccination rates and measles outbreaks) is not the world that I live in, and that’s where my big feelings are coming from…

Scooby-doo rewind

Many years ago, my former teacher and mentor spread untruths about me online, in a very public way, and I don’t know what was going through their head at the time or at all, so I can’t make guesses about why or how this came to pass.

Perhaps they had been lied to by someone else about me, and believed those lies, or maybe something else happened, no idea.

What I do know is what happened as a result of this.

Teapots, fires, mixed metaphors abound

Here is what happened:

I did not defend myself or stand up for myself or try to correct these false statements in any way.

In part because of the same line of thinking as my friend: the truth will prevail, people know I’m a good person with a good heart and good intentions, and that will be enough. They will see this for what it is: a bizarre misunderstanding, a miscommunication, and it will be okay.

And in part because everyone in my life, from my business partner to my attorney to my friends, said that this was a tempest in a teapot, and it would blow over on its own. To give it more attention would just be to adding fuel to something that needed to burn out on its own etc.

Regrets etc

The main thing I regret is that by not standing up for myself, I also didn’t stand up for my own students and their teaching and the beautiful work we had done together.

I hurt them, and let them down, and that is awful. I am so sorry about that.

I think in the moment I was trying so hard to course-correct for my teacher’s misunderstanding (his perception that I did not respect him despite having devoted a decade of my life to spreading his work in the world?) that I didn’t want to say anything all that could be even remotely perceived as undermining him and being actually disrespectful to him.

So in that sense, you can say that I prioritized his comfort over the people who I owed something to, the people I had trained. I regret that. I also regret that despite my best efforts, I was not able to resolve the misunderstanding with my beloved teacher.

Noticing, again

So, I have this past painful experience, that majorly fucked me up, and that experience taught me, right or wrong, that the truth does not come out unless you actively put it out there.

And who knows, maybe even then it still doesn’t come out, but at least you tried?

In my experience, for the most part, people did not trust my good heart or trust that I had my own reasons for not defending myself. They were upset and they walked, and it is on me for thinking it could be otherwise.

I see my friend choosing Not-Competing, and what I see is someone declining the opportunity to set the record straight. I wish I had set the record straight, or at least tried.

I wish I had stood up for my students even if it meant that my teacher received that as disrespectful when all I wanted in the world was for him to know how much I respected him and his work.

Reactiveness

Every time I talk to my friend about what she could do to promote her program, I advocate for being really clear about all the great elements of her program, and correcting the misinformation floating around.

She doesn’t want to do this because she thinks love and light win, or something that sets me off completely, and then I stomp around about this on my own time, in my own stuff about it.

What is useful here?

My job here, in my relationship between me and me, is to provide comfort and compassion for the pain and painful echoes of these past experiences.

It sucks that I went through these painful losses, losing my beloved mentor and my beloved students and an entire community, it sucks that people believed and potentially still believe things about me that are not true, it sucks that I still regret acting according to wise and well-meaning counsel that came from people who love me, and so on.

Safety and sanctuary for past-me, for these big feelings of loss, grief, sadness, remorse, shame, hurt, regret and so on, and for all the stirred-up pain from the surrounding narratives, or other life wounds that feel connected to this experience.

My job as a friend is to be loving and supportive for my friend, and to not make this about me and my pain.

Wise counsel: it depends

In retrospect, I think the wise counsel I received from everyone in my life does apply, most of the time, in most circumstances.

Quite often the best move is just to let things blow over, don’t fan the flames, I am going to keep mixing metaphors on this one forever…

In this specific case, I don’t think it was the right move. And if I got to have do-overs, I would make some kind of public statement sharing as much as I could, in as warm and loving a manner as I could, in the interest of everyone having as much information as possible.

Might that also have wildly backfired? Sure. And I still wish I had set the record straight, and been there for people who needed that from me.

Making space, again

Something I have to remind myself when these big feelings come up for me in response to my friend’s situation is this:

Now is not then.
Our situations are not the same.
I can share with her as much as I want or not from my own situation, and ultimately she will receive her own decisions and make her own way, and learn what she learns.

I can’t solve my past pain through trying to solve someone else’s current pain.

What I can do is keep noticing all the ways that my past pain pops up now, and try to layer on experiences of safety and warmth and kindness for myself. I can work on meeting my pain with love, with acknowledgment and legitimacy, and recognize all the ways that it shapes my life.

What is the next step after noticing

So noticing has layers, and noticing is an ongoing step, because there is always more to notice. We notice, and add compassion. Notice more, and add more compassion.

We apply some Now Is Not Then. We take a breath for that.

We notice any monster-stories we are telling ourselves (nothing will ever change, this pain will never stop hurting, nothing ever gets better, nobody loves you, etc), and we investigate, with love, but without giving them too much credence.

We introduce fun and playfulness where we can. DANCE PARTY. Tell the monster-stories in a silly voice. We find the good / where is the treasure.

And we keep noticing how we are feeling, how we are reacting, what we need, what might help. We stay curious.

Stay curious

This is really the practice at its essence, right? It’s the point of all the noticing.

We stay curious about what our needs are, about what might change for the better, what is possible…

We stay receptive to useful clues, fun insights, all the ways that life sometimes offers up surprise moments of healing and joy and loving-clarity…

We try things. We ask what is needed. We look for the next indicated step. We find pleasure where we can.

My focus right now is on being a good friend by glowing supportive thoughts, and making suggestions where I can, and then treating my own pain on my own time, making room for all of it.

Applying this

I’m sure there are scenarios coming up for you, and maybe you will feel drawn to journal or do art or otherwise process on some of these themes or clues or sparks.

If that feels too intense or too close to home, then going for a walk or doing some rolling around on the floor counts as good self-fluency practice too. Safety First!

Maybe it’s just enough to let some of these ideas skip out like stones across the water of consciousness, and there is nothing more that needs to be done for now. The work is working itself out, it’s all solving itself.

Into the wishing cauldron

I am wishing for safety, sanctuary, love, clarity, and joy, or whatever is needed most, for me and for all my former teachers and former students and for my friend, and for everyone reading.

I am wishing for support and strength in training this ability to separate out now from then.

And I am wishing for solace for the painful times and painful situations, past and present.

Certainly there is no shortage of current challenges that are also reminding us of the past, very understandably. I am wishing for simple elegant solutions, and for miracles, and extra ease and comfort for everyone who needs some. Let’s keep going, let’s keep trying things.

Noticing plus softening. Noticing plus breathing. Noticing plus compassion. Noticing plus play. Let’s play.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Recovery just is

Deficit

This week I napped a lot. It was less of a situation of me taking naps, and more like, the naps took me!

If that makes sense. I was kidnapped by some long naps.

It was surprising and unexpected. This past year my sleep has been hot buttered garbage, but after I tried one time to take a nap in January, and the nap turned into a massive panic episode, my body refused to even consider napping as an option.

So the sleep deficit just grew and grew.

These past two months, I have been blessed with getting longer shifts at the sleep factory, and so maybe now my body feels better about trying to play catch-up? Or maybe napping just feels safer.

Or maybe it’s the heat and humidity, the exhaustion of being in evacuation mode from a fire, the cumulative everything, who can say. Wiped out.

Better shifts at the sleep factory

I went through a trauma last fall and, after it happened, my body refused to experience sleep for more than about thirty to forty five minutes at a time.

Eventually these blocks of sleep became longer, but not long enough to provide real rest. I began to refer to my attempts at sleep as my work at the sleep factory, piling up blocks of sleep.

Each time I was able to get in an impressive-to-me shift of three hours or more, I celebrated.

By May, I was occasionally getting the coveted five hour consecutive shift. It’s still inconsistent, but progress is trending upwards. I sleep more than I don’t during my hours at the sleep factory lately, and that is huge.

Context matters

The vibes are not great! You might have noticed!

There’s the compound trauma of the news cycles, geopolitical and local, the climate-collapse tragedies, the general stress of existing in fundamentally shaky times.

Sometimes doing something (anything) within all that seems to take all the strength and courage in the known universe, even something seemingly mundane, like doing laundry or solving for groceries.

Maybe even especially the mundane things feel more fraught, or maybe I just notice my resistance to these more.

Effortful

Everything feels extra effortful these days to me. It’s like revisiting concussion-summer. It’s also reminding me of the first year of Long Covid when it would take me all day to wash a few dishes.

So when we say that Recovery Just Is, we also mean that there are so many reasons we might feel wiped out, so many reasons we might not even remember them all.

Recovery just is.

I might not remember all the context for the fear or the exhaustion, and: my body still needs more rest, more comfort, more acceptance, more experiences of Safety First.

The Decompression Conundrum

A phenomenon my friends and I talk about:

You do something brave or something you have resistance to doing, like going out into the world or getting something off your list, or cleaning the bathroom, and it takes all your energy, and then you need to decompress.

And while there might be dozens of possible ways to decompress, the one you go with is SCREENS, and then SCREENS are not as relaxing or replenishing as you needed them to be, and you spend more time on SCREENS, and then regret.

So a question I have been asking myself is how to make other forms of decompressing feel more appealing and luscious and crave-able.

Maybe a dance party, maybe a gentle yoga hour, maybe reading a book (???????????), listening to music with eyes closed, journaling, flipping through a cookbook…

Monsters gonna monster

Even though it is a good thing that I have been finally catching up on sleep after a grueling year of not sleeping nearly enough, do I feel good about this? Hahahahahaha, of course not. Monsters are monstering!

All of my monsters, aka internal self-criticism mechanisms, are getting on my case about how I am wasting time, and how I will never be productive ever again and also my life is a messsssss, and so on.

But that’s what they do, and I don’t have to be impressed by them or take them too seriously.

I can notice what they have to say, and notice that it feels true and accurate to me, and then I can gather some evidence to prove that they are wrong, or ask my friends to help with perspective.

Recovery just is

Recovery Just Is = something my incoming selves say when I ask for advice, guidance or perspective.

What I think it means is that you can’t rush the healing process, which we all know is messy, non-linear, and goes how it goes.

With luck, one day things get a little easier, or: they don’t but we can be a little more easy with ourselves and the non-ease. Imagine that.

Eventually there are more days like this. And so on.

The hard days are hard

This week was the anniversary of something very painful, and there are two more days like that this month. I didn’t handle it very well.

Or maybe that’s not true. Maybe I handled it exactly the way it should be handled, by falling apart into grief and despair, a natural and understandable reaction to something so painful.

Yet again, recovery just is

Recovery just is. In other words, there’s no utility in blaming myself for still being in pain over painful situations of the past, or painful memories of past joy, or whatever is going on.

This isn’t taking me away from the path, it’s part of the path. I don’t have to like it. It’s not fun. That’s super fair. And also, this is jus what we are going through right now.

Permission and spaciousness for the hard days to be hard, for the process to be bewildering. I can invite ease and also make room for what is right now.

Some perspective about time

Whenever I have the thought that the bad feelings are going to be FOREVER, I know that’s a monster-thought.

Yesterday was hard, hard, hard, hard, and last night was really not great, though I did have a dream about Paul Rudd telling me I have a great ass…

So: blessings upon my subconscious and also blessings upon dream-life Paul Rudd and his flawless opinions.

Anyway, today was nothing like yesterday, so I’m glad I did not fall for the monster trap of YOU WILL FEEL THIS BAD FOREVER, because that was a lie.

Panther time

This morning, much to my surprise, I enjoyed a blissful, creative, playful and fun morning movement practice in my friend’s tiny hallway, between the stairs and the bathroom.

I felt strong and of the earth, like a panther again. I felt my curiosity return, and my ability to find pleasure in play and motion.

Yesterday I would not have thought this was possible, because I was in monster-mode of everything is going to be this devastating forever, but luckily time is not everything-is-frozen-forever, time is malleable.

What else can be playful and malleable?

Can I apply this to the mysteries of Decompression Time?

What else do I know about Recovery Just Is?

Let’s talk to a version of me who is ahead of me on the recovery timeline, who is sleeping more and better, who doesn’t turn a nap into a story about how I am screwing up my life…

Havi: Hey, self of Recovery Just Is, what do I need to know? What am I missing here?
Slightly Future Self who knows more about Recovery: Nothing is taking you off the path. This is the path. Sometimes we move slowly, sometimes we fill up on rest, sometimes we doubt ourselves. It’s all part of getting better and regaining our strength and sense of self…

Havi: What else?
Slightly Future Self: When you catch yourself fighting the recovery process, add some compassion and patience if you can. Like seasonings to a recipe. Sprinkle them in and taste again.

Tell me more

Havi: Tell me more please.
Slightly Future Self: It’s understandable to feel frustration with yourself when there is so much pressure to do and achieve, when there is so much to be done, when the stakes feel so high. And also, Recovery Just Is.

Havi: Okay, so, be less hard on myself? What if I do that and just stop getting anything done at all????
Slightly Future Self: That isn’t what’s going to happen. Making space for recovery is also making space for clarity, motivation and the ability to feel into the next indicated steps. Your passion might make a comeback as well, you never know…

Aren’t you bored of that yet?

Havi: So try being less hard on myself and trust the process? That sounds very hard.
Slightly Future Self who knows more about Recovery: Sure, it could be hard. It doesn’t have to be though. You would be able to channel a lot of grace for someone you loved who had been evacuated from their home, in a year of hard things.

Havi: Yes, okay, maybe?
Slightly Future Self: Channeling grace is channeling grace. Why do you hold yourself to impossible expectations? Aren’t you bored of that yet?

Havi: Oh damn.
Slightly Future Self: Just saying, maybe it’s time to get bored of that pattern. No one is being served by boring perfectionist bullshit.

Where do we go from here

A lot of food for thought, as they say. A buffet of things to think about.

I think I want to channel the beautiful stubbornness of my future self, and just keep repeating RECOVERY JUST IS, until the penny drops and that concept lives in my consciousness…

Recovery just is. Add kindness and compassion and patience. Make room for the hard things being hard, and also for them to get easier faster than I think is possible. Make room for both and get out of the way.

What if we start there and feel our way into it? Channel some courage and keep making space for this moment of right here right now, taking a breath for that and for what might be possible from there…

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️