What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Heart Felt
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
Heart Felt
The hurting in question
On the way to yoga, I had an encounter with someone who once hurt my heart. Encounter is a generous word. They tried to get my attention, I ignored them.
The heart-hurting in question was brief and swift, a sudden moment like a knife thrust and then it passed. Grief to fury to bitterness to nothing to more bitterness. I exist at a steady baseline of bitterness, that’s not wrong.
The yoga class, ironically or not at all, was centered around a theme of heart-healing.
Couldn’t hurt, I said to myself. At least, not more than everything else does.
The bravery in question
Sure, I can be brave and do a seventy five minute heart-healing practice, while breathing through it.
That’s something too; not just the bravery, but the remembering to acknowledge the bravery.
Sometimes I forget that existing through ongoing pain / loss / trauma / heart-hurting is a form of bravery.
It is tough and I am tough. Both of those things can be true.
It is tough and I am tough
Both of those things can be true.
This is also a reminder that I need a thousand times a day.
This, and that grief really does have its own timing, and that I am brave for existing through it.
Stories that are untrue or mostly untrue
Sometimes in my mind the story that comes up is about weakness, or hyper-sensitivity. Why can I not get the fuck over the small hurts or the big wounds, or the cumulative pain of all of it.
And yet, reality remains. The hurt hurts, I keep on keeping on. This is a courageous yes to life and aliveness, whether I am able to acknowledge that in the moment or not.
What do I know about the story?
The story that says I am a big baby is obviously a monster story.
The kernel of truth within the lie of that story is that I do long to be over it, and that is a reasonable longing, that comes part and parcel with the human experience.
The most reasonable longing. I can stop blaming myself for longing.
Returning
On the way back from the heart-healing yoga class, or the yoga class that was focused on heart healing, I had another encounter.
This time an encounter with a person who hurt my heart a lot, and never apologized for it, in fact never even reacted in any way when I told them how deeply they had hurt me.
Freedom, I said, to the car and the winds and the enormous sky. Love, Courage, Strength, Miracles. A whole heart. Healing towards freedom. We can do this.
Dreaming
I got home and fell asleep and in my dream, I dreamed the entirety of the yoga class I had just taken, the heart-healing yoga class.
Does that make sense? I re-experienced the entire yoga class, breath for breath, in the dream.
Everything in the dream was exactly the same as it had been in the class, except there was a different person on the mat next to mine, and instead of a shoulder-stand towards the end, the teacher offered a headstand sequence.
In the actual class, I noped out of the shoulder-stand because of my neck injury, and took legs up the wall instead.
In the dream class, I skipped headstand for the same reason, and moved slowly back and forth between a dolphin pose and a downward-facing dog, focusing on fluidity, breath, strength, and of course, my poor beautiful hurting heart.
Same same but different
Beyond that, everything was exactly as it had been in real life. My subconscious created a replica of the class, and I went through the entire workout as I slept.
It was only as the class came to a close that everything changed…
At the end of dream-class, I turned to the man on the mat next to mine, and said something like, “What a lovely class…”
And he said, “I didn’t like that you were laughing at me.”
Untangling
The conversation got confusing, but it became clear that some awful misunderstanding had taken place in his mind.
Apparently at some point during my immersive dolphin-to-dog flowing sequence, I had been smiling to myself in a blissed-out moment within the practice. But at this moment, he had wobbled in his headstand, noticed my smile, and came to the conclusion that I was smiling because he was unable to hold the pose.
Each attempt on my part to explain myself seemed to go nowhere.
“I was entirely unaware of you, if I was smiling then it was to myself about something unrelated. Falling is part of balancing, I would never judge someone for falling in a balance pose, I don’t even do that pose because of my injury, to hold it for one breath is more than impressive enough for me, I wouldn’t laugh at someone for trying something hard.”
He got more and more upset.
Ah yes, the fear that is always there
Finally, I said, “Listen. I want us to be friends. I swear on all that is holy that everything I have said is true. Give this time and think it over.”
And he said, “I will probably forgive you by the next class.”
And we hugged it out, and I left class, and woke up.
I wouldn’t call it a nightmare exactly, because it was reliving a lovely yoga class, but it was intense.
And it did center on my eternal big fear, aka being misunderstood and unable to explain myself and blamed for something I didn’t do. Ah, the familiar wound, here we are.
Round two, or is it round three
I fell back asleep, and in the next dream, I ran into my friend V from Tucson, and relayed the entire situation to him. Yes, dream two was a recounting of dream one.
Except in this dream I did not remember that the story I was telling him had also taken place in a dream, and thought it was all real.
So I was telling the story of the dream within the dream.
It’s all about the heart, I said, that’s what it comes back to. This person did not trust my good heart and freaked out and ran, but my good heart is still my good heart.
Heart conversations
I don’t know what is left to do other than to keep interacting with my heart. Let’s try for a conversation.
Havi: I want to know you. I want you to trust me. I want this deep hurting to run its course. I want us to feel connected. I want to trust that there are ways out of the misunderstandings even if there haven’t been in the past. I want to hug it out like in the dream.
Havi’s heart: soft humming
Havi: Are you going to talk to me? Or is that just how you talk?
Havi’s heart: soft humming
Havi: Can I get a translator in the house please?
Havi’s heart’s translator: You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t need to explain yourself. The fact that the world is full of conclusion-jumpers and people who aren’t ready to be vulnerable and real with you and talk it out or hug it out is not about you. You need to just keep humming your hum.
Heart felt
Havi: I feel everything in my heart-space, maybe I feel too much in my heart, maybe that’s why everything hurts all the time, in my heart.
Havi’s heart’s translator: You might want to try humming. If you can’t hug it out, you can always hum it out.
We take a break for humming, thumbs blocking ears, fingers to center of forehead
How was that
Havi’s heart translator: How was that?
Havi: Resonant.
Havi’s heart translator: What do you notice?
Havi: So many birds. The wind. Everything is moving, dancing a little dance.
Havi’s heart translator: You felt the dance. Pain is just one sensation, but the dance is bigger than the painful moments.
The Void
My former teacher used to say that the more you crave distraction, the more you need to sit with the void.
And if anyone craves constant distraction from loneliness and heartache, it is me. Even in my dreams, I invent new people to untangle with, to hug it out, to talk it through with me.
I don’t want to be with the void any more than I want to listen to my heart, and so I do another round of sensory humming.
But the void was still too daunting, so I spent an hour seeking distraction (studying Spanish).
Okay, so maybe this also requires a translator or an intermediary, or something to make the scary thing less scary, or something to invite in a braver version of me, but let’s start with what feels most approachable.
Let’s stay in this heart-space, hum it out, ask for more ease, insist on more ease. Safety first!
A trial run (but first we hum it out)
Havi: humming
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: hums back
Havi: I’m struggling with feeling lonely, but also I crave alone time, and I am bored of this conundrum, and I am craving distraction, and none of the available distractions are fulfilling, and I know that I need to spend time with the void, but it’s very intimidating…
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Humming works. You don’t need to do more than that. You are being honest, and that’s cool. Most people can’t bring honesty to the void.
Havi: When will it stop hurting this much?
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: That’s not information we have, things take the amount of time that they take, just keep humming.
Hmmmm
Havi: I’m gonna need more than that.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: You are inside of the process, or inside of a process, or inside of many processes. You can’t see the forward movement, and maybe you can’t perceive it in other ways either, and yet it is still happening. The healing process is mostly invisible. That might feel frustrating. That might be why you are craving distraction.
Havi: Hmmmmm.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Say what’s on your mind.
Havi: I am hurting. I am also deeply sorry for hurting that I have caused others.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: And?
Havi: Hmmmm.
During the period of
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Your efforts are enough. You keep looking for something more you need to do in order to experience healing. The thing is, there isn’t something you can do to make the healing happen, you just need to keep doing things that feel good while the healing happens in its own timing and its own way.
Havi: That’s actually helpful, thank you. But isn’t it about distractions then, like am I not still seeking things that feel good so that I don’t have to deal with the healing?
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: You are keeping the healing company. And you are pursuing joy. These both have value. Find the pleasures, however small. Keep humming, keep checking in.
Havi: Tell me more about DURING, like what am I doing while this healing is doing its healing work beneath the surface.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Do what works. You like being outdoors, you like cooking, you like journaling, you like dancing in your kitchen, you like strength training and pretending to be a glamorous assassin recovering at a safe house. Pursue joy. And if joy is too big, then find tiny sparks of it and collect them. Smile at things.
Training
Havi: It sounds like a training. A slow-motion montage.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Maybe it is. Hum your way through. Pause to notice what has shifted already. Like we said, smile at things. People, objects, experiences, plants, ideas. Smile at them.
Havi: What else???
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: There is no else, this is exactly why people have such a hard time with the void. It isn’t about doing or seeking or shifting, it’s about humming, smiling, playing and then noticing what has already shifted while you weren’t trying to shift.
Shifting by not-shifting
Havi: I’m going to need to think on that, or hum on that.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Take your time.
Havi: That’s the thing though, isn’t it? It’s been so long, I feel so impatient.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: The shifting is happening. Just move your focus and your effort to the joy and not to the shifting itself.
What is next
Havi: What is next?
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Other than humming and pursuing joy?
Havi: Yes
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Clean something. Move some things out of your space. Plan a small trip (you don’t need to take it, but planning it will give you some information). Bake that ginger cake you like. It doesn’t really matter. Just try some things that might contain joy. You are allowed to have more joy. Just because you are in heart-pain doesn’t mean everything has to be miserable.
Havi: That’s not what I was expecting you to say.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: And yet, there it is. Joy is good medicine. Stop fighting with yourself.
Havi: Am I fighting with myself?
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Have you tried fighting for yourself? Maybe start there…
What is next (again)
Focusing on:
Neck stretches. Going for a walk. Listening to the wind. Inviting people to do things outdoors. Letting myself want what I want. Writing wishes. Humming the hum. Living room dance party.
Yes, we could bake something. Let’s start there.
Come play with me, we can name possible joy practices, or commiserate over how scary it is to talk to the void, we can hum our way through this too.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Receptivity to good surprises
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
Receptivity to good surprises, and chasing the luck
Fully a yes
A friend of a friend was planning a yoga hour in the park, and if there are two things I love in this world, they are moving my body and being outdoors. Moving my body while breathing good fresh air in the company of majestic tree friends.
And if I can combine the two then all the better.
So even though it meant driving for an hour, I was fully a yes to this experience.
Unexpected precipitation of a sort
When we got to the park, the sprinklers were on, which was unexpected and surprising (why is the municipality wasting water during an extreme drought, for example, but also why is this happening now when we have class…)
We moved our practice to the sandy area where the play equipment lives, and made up a class of standing postures, while wearing shoes.
We used trees and playground equipment as props, letting them support our efforts and inspire new forms of twisting, stretching, bending and resting…
Necessity, the mother of invention
It was a playful and creative practice, born of necessity. We laughed a lot.
We brainstormed together and invented sequences. At the end of class, I walked through the sprinklers to cool down, and felt happy.
It wasn’t what I had been expecting, but it was something new and delightful instead. What is the superpower of exactly that? I want more of it.
The trail that wasn’t
I recently met someone who moved to my remote area of the wilderness after she retired from being a librarian in a city, and I invited her to go explore a local hike with me this past weekend.
It wasn’t a hike I’ve done before, but I had coordinates for a trailhead.
Plus I got a text from a hiking friend who recently did some trail-clearing in that area, and they said it was remote enough that we wouldn’t run into anyone, which seemed promising for a long holiday weekend.
Seemed like a good time.
So we drove eight miles down a rough dirt road until we saw the sign for the trailhead, but we couldn’t find the trail anywhere. We took some side roads, no luck there either.
She suggested that we drive further down the dirt road and see what we might see…
Seeing what you (might) see
The creek was dry, the rock formations were stunning, the ponderosa pines were enormous.
We drove and kept on driving, the dirt road seemingly endless.
A bobcat loped across the road in front of us, paying us no mind.
Eventually there was a campground to the left, and another sign for a trail, so we got our gear and hiked that trail for two hours, crossing the dry creek several times, climbing high up to a breathtaking vista, listening to the warblers, enjoying the breeze, watching a red tail hawk circle overhead.
Luckily, X
For me, the superpower of [Luckily, X] is about finding the good in a given situation, but more than that, it’s also about relaxing into the good.
Not forcing, not insisting, not tricking myself into believing that something is necessarily for the best when I don’t like it at first.
It’s more about the practice of staying receptive.
Receptive to a spark of wonder, a breath of delight and grounded enthusiasm, a soupçon of elation for what is or might be possible inside of the unexpected.
This is how I learned that the park being full of sprinklers was good actually, and not finding the trail I was looking for was good actually, because standing yoga in the sandy playground was full of fun challenges, and the surprise trail I did find was numinous.
Numinous
Let’s talk about NUMINOUS, speaking of superpowers related to the possible beauty and treasure that is to be found in encountering the unanticipated.
Numinous: mysterious, awe-inspiring, something that makes you pause and think, I am in a holy place or a holy moment, something spiritual arising.
It comes from the Latin word numen, which apparently can mean both “a nod of the head” and “divine will,” as in, the gods are nodding towards this.
The climb from the creek up onto the ridge was a numinous experience, a path into deep sanctuary space, so remote and so alive and self-contained in its magic.
Self-contained space
Not a hint of anything existing in the world beyond junipers, pines, tall grasses, astonishing vistas, rock formations and birds. The light was astonishing, the air crisp, the trees exuding love and contentment, everything shimmered.
I took out a bag of the candied ginger I made last week, and it tasted transcendent, as if it too had taken on some aspect of this magical place.
Possible to easy to elegant (the forever continuum)
I’m sure I’ve written about this here a dozen times already, but one of my favorite concepts from Feldenkrais is the notion of moving from the impossible to the possible, from possible to easy, from easy to elegant.
The idea is not that you progress in a linear way and then ta da, you’re done!
It’s more like, we can always be open to finding more possibility, more ease, more elegance…
A movement that used to be impossible can now be refined, and maybe there’s a new impossible to work on.
It isn’t about being done, or striving and achieving. It’s about presence.
It’s about being aware, and receptive, enhancing range of motion, enhancing grace, doing the work and then keeping on keeping on with doing the work (and play).
Applying this to the moment before the good surprises
I am thinking about this concept pretty much all the time, but right now I am thinking about it specifically in the context of staying receptive to good surprises.
For example, it was a bummer that there were sprinklers in the park so we couldn’t do park yoga, except then it turned out that standing sandbox yoga was really demanding and interesting; a fun challenge for body and brain.
It was a bummer that we couldn’t find the cool trail my friend told me about that I was excited to explore, except if we’d found it, we never would have found or even known about the Numinous Place that is now possibly my favorite hike in New Mexico.
The art of staying receptive
When it comes to this mindset of Staying Receptive to what is the treasure, what is lucky in this moment, what is the Luckily, X of this situation…
I guess here is the real question for me right now:
How do I move from this moment in which that desired state of receptivity feels kinds of impossible towards the moment of now it is possible and attainable?
And once it’s possible…
And once it’s possible, can I add some ease? Can I move towards enhancing it with some grace, some elegance?
And what about the moment or moments or minutes or [amounts of time] before the good surprises are revealed?
Can I channel Patience, Receptivity, Grace, Laughter, Play and Delight there too?
Can I treat this practice of STAY RECEPTIVE the same way I would a yoga pose or a movement sequence that feels impossible, or out of reach, but I’m working towards it until it is possible, and then easy, and then maybe more elegant…
The art of chasing the [whatever it is we are chasing]
There is a concept in energy work of chasing the pain.
What this means is, imagine you are doing energy work on a headache, and then the headache eases up, but now you have pain in your forearm. Something is working, something shifted! And also, the issue is not resolved, it just wandered to a new location!
You celebrate the movement, and the shifting, your body is communicating with you and that’s beautiful.
And also you are aware that there is still more work to do, and part of that work is not getting too frustrated, even though of course it’s so legitimate to feel frustrated about pain.
Similarly, it’s okay to feel annoyed when I can’t find the path, or there are sprinklers in the middle of my yoga space. Making room for the annoyance is part of staying receptive to what might be surprise good.
The art of focus shifting
I wrote last time about how after six months of heartbreak, I stopped waking up into terror and grief, and started waking up into bitterness.
This is very much like the head pain moving to the forearm. It’s still pain, but it’s new and different, and that’s a sign of movement.
This week, I woke up feeling sad every day, which is maybe not ideal, but it’s something other than bitter and other than anxiety and other than wanting to scream WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY into the abyss.
So that’s something
So that’s something.
Also I like that the bitterness only needed a week before shape-shifting. What will next week bring? Something even better, I hope.
Something is exiting my system, and I am supporting this process.
I am supporting this process with [Luckily, X], with park yoga, with visiting the numinous places and breathing deeply there, with staying playful and receptive, with bobcat sightings and ginger apple cake, and the what-if of maybe something better…
Shifting focus
What can I shift my focus to?
From what is impossible to what is possible, from what is possible to what is easy or at least easier, from what is easy to what is potentially graceful, elegant, playful, alive…
It’s good that things have been moving for me from angry to bitter to sad to whatever is next. We are chasing the pain, but it’s the heart pain, and I will follow it to wherever it leads.
Can I stay focused on bobcat grace and the flight of a hawk overhead, the loving trees, the gift of doing dancer pose with them even though that wasn’t on the agenda?
Intentional and playful, in equal amounts
In yoga class, N asked us to come up with a new moon intention, and what came up for me immediately was this:
I AM A POWERFUL PANTHER: INTENTIONAL AND PLAYFUL IN EQUAL AMOUNTS
What do I know about this so far
Talk to me about being a powerful panther.
Talk to me about intentional and playful in equal amounts.
I think this is about strength and grace, but also about staying flexible and being willing to wait something out. Mainly I think it is about balancing intentionality with a playful spirit.
This means willingness to adapt, willingness to rest, willingness to let things be unexpected, and explore what is, instead of staying focused on what isn’t.
*If this sounds not-easy, I think that’s fair! And yet, it’s intriguing, right? I know!
What is next
I am taking these themes (intentionality & playfulness, luckily X) into this next month or into the summer, to see where they take me and how they land inside me.
Again, not forcing anything or trying to cram myself into a mindset of positivity. If I want to be bummed out about what didn’t work out, that’s so legitimate and completely allowed, of course.
This is more about making some room for being beautifully surprised, and staying attuned to that continuum of impossible to possible, and then what is available to me from that expansive possibility!
A numinous heart-breath for possibility. For staying receptive to being surprised by a bubbling up of joy, wherever it might find me. Let’s play with that for now and see where it takes us.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
A part time cartographer of grief
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
A part time cartographer of grief
The familiar places
During the past six months of heartbreak grief, I have visited many familiar places, and by “visited” I mean: spent so much time there that I am entirely sick of these places but somehow also not ready or able to leave them behind.
These are the places where I wander in circles.
For example…
Let’s name some of these territories
The familiar places where I have been lost-not-lost and wandering include:
The Forest of Unrelenting Sorrow
The Confused Places: Why? And: No, Really, Why? And: What Did I Do?
Fury: I Hope That Person Trips Over A Mountain Lion And Falls Off A Cliff
Dodged That Bullet, Don’t You Feel Lucky (No)
Remorse: How Can I Make This Right
When Will It Stop Hurting This Much
It Must Be A Mistake, I Don’t Understand
What Will Make This Feel Better, Anything? Anything at all????
Bargaining: Just Come Back Please
The bitter places
This week I found myself waking up into a new territory. Not a better one, I don’t think, but at least it’s new.
As a part-time cartographer of grief, it is intriguing to be in a new space.
Yes, now here I am in the bitter places, the bitterness of grief.
It is a different place than the rage or the sadness or the asking why over and over again into the void.
Talk to me about bitterness, about being bitter, about being in the bitterness. What is useful in bitterness?
What is useful in the newness of this? Any change in storm, any shift, it all counts, it has to.
The rude app
My language app feeds me sentences in Arabic to translate:
How does he not love you?
And then: Why does he not love you?
And then: I am from Egypt.
I am from the city Alexandria in Egypt. The city of Alexandria is beautiful, famous and diverse, it adds, helpfully. Why does he not love you?
Not helpful, I say to the app. Not helping at all.
The narrow places
Egypt in Arabic is Misr and in Hebrew it is Mitzrayim, which is like the straits, but also: the narrow places.
The app is right. He does not love me. Asking why and how over and over again is boring. And I am both from and in the narrow places. That’s fair. The app has a point.
Speaking of unhelpful
Grief cannot be rushed. I know this, from being alive.
I also know that we live in an impatient culture that wants us to get over stuff already and be “productive”, which doesn’t really go with grieving, and goodness knows there is more than enough in this life and our world to grieve right now.
Everyone in my life is more than ready for me to move on from this, and I don’t blame them, I am bored of this too.
You are here, like it or not (they do not like it)
At the six month mark, I went for a walk in the hills with a friend. “It’s been six months,” I said. “And I feel…”
“Done? Over it? Better?” She asked.
Sadly no. I feel hurt, sad, frustrated, confused, bewildered, in pain. Maybe not as much, maybe it’s not as all-consuming, maybe it’s different, but it’s the same categories of feeling. You are here. But everyone is like, okay but have you tried being over there?
The places I know
I might be as sick of my grief as my friends are of hearing about it, and also, you are where you are where you are.
All I can do is observe the places where I am, and observe my relationship with those places. I can’t wish myself elsewhere. I mean, I can, but it doesn’t work for me.
The places I see other people visiting
Everyone I know is also grieving right now, but they are mostly doing it by being impossibly busy, all the time, and not taking a moment to experience not-busy. Or if they are not-busy then they are distracting in some other ways or going through periods of being completely checked out. Which I am not judging. Grief sucks.
And in some sense, I can appreciate the art of staying too busy to notice pain. I certainly see the appeal of that. It’s just not my way, for whatever reason even though sometimes I wish I could go that way.
I grieve by wandering the grief forests. I light a candle, a tea light, and put it in a jar, placing a cedar tip in a little metal strainer on top, so that my kitchen smells like the forest too. Focus.
I am hurting and I am still here, doing my best, breathing.
Artichoke advice (not sage advice, though maybe)
A favorite book of mine is An Everlasting Meal by Tamar Adler, which is about cooking but also about everything, and I wish we were in the same place right now so that I could read you this passage from it:
“Though plucking artichoke leaves doesn’t mend all cracked spirits as firmly as pea shelling, it has its own curative power. There is a Dutch saying: ‘Bitter in the mouth cures the heart.’ If you happen to have a friend shaken by heartache, hand over a bag of raw artichokes. Once she has relieved them of their leaves, encourage one brave bite. Between the meditative peeling and the bitter taste, she should be completely healed. If there are no artichokes around, raw dandelion greens are a good substitute.”
I have sat with this, and been sitting with this, and have mixed feelings.
A bitter healing (and bitter laughter)
I think the Dutch are right. There is healing to be found in bitterness, and in bitters.
Something abrasive, something biting, something restorative, something that shocks the digestive system into softening, surely all that must be good for the pains of the heart.
So much of heartache is, after all, about digesting the indigestible.
The person whom you loved so intensely was not who you thought they were, what a betrayal. Or their love was mysteriously revoked in a way that shocks the system into a sort of paralysis.
How do you take something like that in, how do you adapt? How do you keep on keeping on in that new reality?
Bitter about bitters being the answer
Bitters seem like a good answer.
Does peeling artichokes help a broken heart? I think if it does then it is for a different sort of heartache than mine.
But also I do agree that meditative hours in the kitchen have been good for me over the past several months, breathing and smelling and stirring, watching things transform.
The places I do not know and want to know
I love a good obsession, and am always looking for a new one.
I love the idea of bitter as part of the healing process.
A bitter healing / healing bitterness through bitters / and a bitter laugh about artichoke advice not being sage advice, haha love a bitter laugh.
My record-breaking six day stretch of zero anxiety coincided with my week of of being dangerously obsessive with languages, putting in a number of hours per day which I absolutely cannot go back to.
But I don’t know what else will get me back to not having anxiety, or will be a form of artichoke-peeling to keep me from wandering the usual places in the grief forests.
Talk to me about craving
I am just really craving something new, and I don’t know what it is, adventure, joy, pleasure, something to look forward to????? Who can say.
What are the known knowns?
Let’s name what is known.
This bitter territory is new, and that seems good. Something is moving and shifting in the grieving process. I am learning more about the geography and cartography of grief, and of my grief.
Obsessions are good for me, I like throwing myself into something. None of the current obsessions are big enough or working enough, but they are all a start, each one is a clue.
The bravest thing I can do is love myself more, and keep loving myself, keep treasuring my tender heart, keep on keeping on, keep tending to the hurt places. Yes, we are not rushing the grieving, even as I keep noticing how much I wish it was done.
What are the questions
Where can I embrace bitterness? Add bitters and stir. Make room for the bitter.
What is useful about bitterness? Can I see bitterness as part of the heart healing rather than something getting in the way of the heart healing?
Can I embrace what is bracing? Pomegranate vinegar in sparkling water on a warm evening.
What is useful about being the wanderer of the grief forests? What awaits me in the clearing? What is changing in me through my wandering?
What is needed?
Let’s talk to a version of me who is not circling the same territory in the forests of grief, who has more clarity on this than I do? What does this self have to say?
They say:
“You are not lost. You are getting to know some pathways. You are tough, you are courageous, you are resilient (even if that does not feel true in this moment), and you are a good observer. Breathe deep, listen, gain in strength, gain in powers. Make some signposts. Pile up some stones. Mark where you are. There is a usefulness in knowing this territory. Be kind with yourself.”
What are my next steps?
Cultivating the good obsessions. Earlier to bed. Doing the things that help. Naming what I have learned or noticed or experienced.
So many things have solved themselves. This too can solve itself. Nothing is forever.
Keep wishing the wishes: more hiking companions, more yoga time, some good obsessions.
How you do anything is how you do everything, so can I channel some more intention and grace and patience for wandering the grief forests. Maybe the wandering is a form of dance?
Let’s start with dark chocolate, chicory, bitter intensity to be melded with sweetness. For this beautiful heart.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Obsessed with congruence, obsessed with gleaming
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
Obsessed with congruence
MMA, not the kind you think
I make a notation in my notebook each morning.
MMA makes it looks like I’m doing mixed martial arts, which would be rad.
But it actually stands for Mild Morning Anxiety, which is sometimes a win, aka not having excruciating morning anxiety for hours, or even a bout of run of the mill anxiety when I wake up.
Though lately it has been more of a frustration to note my Mild Morning Anxiety.
ZERO
I keep having a good solid round of five or six days of ZERO, which is both my preferred amount of anxiety, and favorite triumphant morning notation.
ZERO! NONE! THE BEST!
Yes please, that’s what I want. More of that.
It feels like things are trending in that direction, maybe the ZERO will become the new normal, and I won’t even need to write it down.
And then MMA will start back up again. Here we are. Okay. Here we are.
You are here
Signpost:
You are here. In mild morning anxiety.
Okay, at least we know where we are.
When will my beloved ZERO return to me from the war?
I have been in a state of ZERO and it is delicious.
And some days we have MMA. That’s just how it is right now.
When will my beloved ZERO return to me from the war?????? I am waiting for it longingly.
In the meantime, yes, noting it. The signpost of you are here, right now, for the moment.
For the present moment. Not forever. Just right now.
A breath for that.
Countering
So far the best ways to counter the MMA, for me, seem to be some combination of gentle yoga before bed, not reading news, taking my supplements, doing the calming techniques, and jogging or circle-walking to disperse the anxiety energy.
And, moment by moment, continuing to practice not being impressed.
“Okay, we’re back on Mild Morning Anxiety, it happens, it’s temporary and of this moment, I don’t have to like it, it’s just where we are right now. I am noticing my anxiety, making room for it to move through me and exit my body, practicing Acknowledgment & Legitimacy.”
We are where we are where we are. Present with what is, not impressed by the anxiety. Having a very reasonable human reaction to the current realities, and also energy can move, that’s the nature of energy.
This energy can move and it will move; it will pass. DISPERSE, DISPERSE.
A candle lit in service of the dispersing. As a reminder of the nature of dispersing. Energy wants to move.
Calm, focused, motivated, invigorated
After I morning-jog or morning-dance-party or whatever form of Stimming du jour feels necessary to disperse the energy of anxiety and agitation, I do my morning slow yoga aka bobcat stretching time.
The intention I name and set has been the same for about a month now: calm, focused, motivated, invigorated.
I am calm, focused, motivated, invigorated.
A breath for this.
A breath for this
A breath for these qualities and superpowers. Calm, focused, motivated, invigorated. A breath for everything they hold within them.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
What do I know about this? What lives inside each beautiful wish?
Calm: What do I know about my wish
Calm is about STEADINESS and the earth. I am of the earth, grounded in sanctuary.
Calm is about knowing that I am not going to be shaken even when everything is (or seems to be) shaking.
See also: the wild winds rattling my house, the ongoing drought in New Mexico where I live but also more generally the terrible news, the circumstances, etc.
Things might feel shaky, but I can call on a walking stick. I am grounded, of the earth, drawing power from the earth. Stability. A calming breath.
Moving through.
Calm is related to staying curious
Calm is about staying curious; being less reactive and more responsive. There is a gentleness to calm. Receptive and ready, but not alarmed.
Calm is the earth that everything else is planted in. The focus, the motivation, the sense of being invigorated, these are fruit trees rooted in calm.
I am calm not because everything is fine; I invoke calm as one possible approach to try on in response to everything not being fine.
Peace within, regardless of the wild winds
Calm doesn’t mean that everything is okay. Obviously it is not okay, there is so much that is not okay.
Calm means that things are how they are, and I am not fighting that. I can move through chaotic times and fight the good fight as needed, and still maintain an access a sense of stability and Peace Within.
Calm is a channel. I am learning how to spend time in the places where I can also be a channel.
Focused: What do I know about my wish?
Focused is about an intentional narrowing. Drawing in to the center. Strengthening from the center. Being a glowing ball of energy.
Focused is acknowledging that I can’t think about all the things, or I will get overwhelmed. Instead I do one thing at a time, take one small and intentional step at a time, trusting in the fractal magic.
Each step I take, each motion, each breath, is supporting all the other wishes.
Untangling one dilemma is untangling all the dilemmas. Everything is interconnected.
Or at least, that’s what I imagine and pretend, because this helps me stay focused on right here, right now.
Intentional forward movement. Reaching and extending. Striking and staying striking. Like a big cat.
A zooming in
Focus can feel like a zooming in, but it is also about attention and concentration. And these are about choices and discernment; staying intentional.
Where do I put my attention and my energy?
What matters to me?
Am I acting like I know who I am…?
And if not, what would help shift that? What motivates me towards focus, or encourages me to stay with this focus?
Motivated: What do I know about my wish
Motivated is about DESIRE. It is about MOJO.
Motivated is feeling pulled towards; it’s magnetic and dance-ey.
I used to think that it was about discipline, but now I think it’s about being okay with letting myself want something, which is brave and sometimes scary.
But what if brave and scary can be fun too in this context? That’s what I’m trying to figure out.
Invigorated: What do I know about my wish
Invigorated is energized, sparkly, effervescent, bubbling up.
Invigorated is MOJO BACK. Invigorated is full of aliveness. Invigorated feels radiant.
When I am invigorated, I feel light and fun and also focused, motivated and calm. Like when I have a good obsession. A well-directed obsession.
Talk to me about WELL DIRECTED. Talk to me about OBSESSIONS and a good obsession.
Well-directed
I love the double meaning or many meanings of DIRECTED.
Directed in the sense of indicated, pointing in a direction. I am directing my attention here, pouring all my energy into this channel.
Directed like a movie. Someone knows where everything goes or should go. There is a unifying aesthetic.
Directed like a magic wand. Directed like targeted. Directed like HERE IS YOUR NEXT STAGE DIRECTION.
When something is directed well, it is calm, focused, motivated and invigorated.
When something is directed well, you can feel how intentional every aspect of it is.
You have to be a little obsessive to direct something at all, never mind well, and I love getting a little obsessive, I love a well-directed obsession.
Congruence & Gleaming
Congruence or Congruencing is the word I use for “organizing”, because I simply never wish to organize anything or put something in order, and if I put organizing on my list, it will not happen.
Gleaming is the word I use for cleaning, for the same reasons.
I may not feel like organizing or cleaning, but I like the feeling of congruence and gleaming.
Congruence is about harmony and harmonizing. It is about going by feel, an intuitive practice rather than something prescriptive.
Gleaming is sparkling, alive, enlivened, shining, radiant. It feels good to be in a gleaming place.
It feels good to be in a congruent, harmonious environment.
Obsession as a door
The only (or best) way I can get myself to focus on Congruence & Gleaming is to get a little obsessed with them.
Last week i was obsessive about Spanish and Arabic, to the point of spending over four hours a day on them, which was great for Spanish and Arabic, and arguably not great for any of the many other things that needed doing and did not get done.
Though again, everything is fractal and connected, so I’m sure it supported my other wishes in some as-yet-unknown ways. Mainly it reminded me of the power of a good obsession.
A quest and a question
So now I am sitting with the the question (and quest) of how can I get that obsessive about literally anything that needs doing.
What are my Obsession Sessions when it comes to Congruencing and Gleaming.
Obsession is the door to Congruencing & Gleaming. And Congruencing & Gleaming are the doors (for me, at least) to creativity, expansion and play. I thrive when things feel congruent and gleaming.
A Good Obsession
Maybe I’m not ready yet to be or get obsessed with Gleaming & Congruencing, but I can wish that wish and then obsess over something else as a proxy practice.
For example, I can be The Jam Maker, and make ginger habanero jam like I did last weekend (a test batch), and fold, hide or or at least seed the wish of being someone who is obsessed with Gleaming & Congruencing inside of that practice.
Yes. Try something new. Learn, notice, take notes. What can jam-making teach me about my wish?
Or I can be obsessed with hiking, something I already love and enjoy, and use that obsession to learn about being someone who is obsessed with Gleaming & Congruencing.
Meanwhile, Gleaming & Congruencing also support both hiking and jam-making.
Yes, all obsessions support the other obsessions
All obsessions support the other obsessions.
Each wish supports the other wishes.
That’s why it helps to focus on a wish that feels non-scary and attainable; let it do the heavy lifting and reveal the clues.
And if I can stay playful and curious, each obsession returns me to passion, aliveness, being someone who is interacting with the world around me as well as the world inside me. Peace within.
Peace within
Calm, focused, motivated, invigorated. A little obsessed.
A little obsessed.
What fun.
Twenty five years ago I thought that Peace Within sounded both completely unattainable and very boring, why would you want that? But now it sounds like a fun experiment.
Even if it’s just a moment here and there. What a cool thing to experience, what a cool thing to pursue.
Even a moment is an opportunity to anchor that sensation into the body-mind, preserve it for later, call on it in a moment of need. Can we find the pull towards playful experimenting?
What is next?
I am going to spend this period from full moon to full moon learning more about Gleaming & Congruencing specifically, and about obsessions more generally.
Currently trying to temper my languages obsession in the sense that I want to stay obsessed but devote less time to the learning itself, and more time to letting the learning land deep within me.
Also I’m hoping that by spreading the obsession energy around, I will be able to give sunshine and water to my love of languages without neglecting the other crops.
We try things, let’s try things
As always, I’m going to try to stay curious and playful and compassionate. Not judging myself for perceived screw-ups; it’s all part of the experiment and the practicing.
We try things. We learn. We shift the parameters of the experiment. We drop in a sugar cube, to add sweetness and distract the devil, or to distract ourselves.
We stay attuned to joy when we can, and when we can’t, we make room for that too.
Making room for what is, lighting a candle
Sometimes trying things does not feel joyful, like with my ongoing practice of trying to quit MMA. It might not be joyful, but it’s interesting. And interesting is a starting point too.
Can I stay fascinated by the process of experimentation? Can I keep treasuring myself to the best of my ability, and stay attuned to whatever supports that…let’s find out.
Calm, focused, motivated, invigorated. What beautiful wishes. Let’s see where they lead.
Let’s light a candle, drop in a sugar cube and let the magic bubble up, and trust that whatever bubbles up is useful.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
I know who I am
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
I know who I am
Addiction patterns
I am hooked on a language app that many people, very rightfully, are currently abandoning (“user attrition”), as the CEO decided to use AI and waste the world’s precious water reserves instead of paying human beings to do jobs.
Someone less addicted than me might have their values in the right place and make choices accordingly, but lololol not me. I stayed up until 1am last night reviewing vocabulary for points, even though I’m someone who likes to be asleep by 9pm.
I forgot who I was. I can’t explain it better than that.
Clue: Your POWER comes from the GROUND UP
This is a clue I have working with lately.
It is a clue from boxing, but it also relates to dance, yoga, writing, really everything I can think of that I enjoy. Maybe even language learning.
In dance you draw power up from the earth, and you send energy down into the earth. You use the floor.
The floor is your one true dance partner, a constant, like the breath. The floor is where your power comes from, if you choose to use it, if you dance with the floor, instead of moving on top of the floor.
There’s your body, and your partner’s body, and the music and the connection itself.
But it all comes from, or reacts to, your grounded push-pull relationship with the floor, receiving power, drawing it up, grounding down.
Olympia
My mother’s favorite movie was Moonstruck.
I would probably also put this movie in my top ten. What’s not to love. The absolutely bonkers chemistry between Cher and Nicolas Cage, the opera, New York City in the snow, the romance, the character actors, the bakery, the Italian-ness, the banter, the philosophizing about love, the idea that sometimes a thing that is bad is good, and sometimes the good thing is bad.
The grandfather instructing the dogs to howl at the moon. Olympia Dukakis cooking egg-in-a-hole* for Cher.
* I’m linking to that piece specifically for the phrase Suburban Cowboy Eggs, but also for the clip from the show Friends.
A classic.
Drinks in the face
My mother’s favorite part though is when Olympia Dukakis tells John Mahoney, “I can’t invite you in because I know who I am.”
That’s John Mahoney, better known as the cranky dad in Frasier but here playing the scene-stealing, extremely charming, emotionally messy, eternally baffled professor who ends up joining her for dinner and walking her home when she is in an emotionally vulnerable state.
And when I describe him as eternally baffled, I mean: eternally baffled by people’s entirely predictable reactions to his equally predictable behavior.
Knowing who you are, and then acting on it
As Sarah Larson phased it in the excellent New Yorker profile on him after his death, “Mahoney plays an aging lothario professor who often gets drinks thrown in his face by indignant younger women after a sleazy remark.” He does indeed, and then he’s baffled by it, and this repeats itself.
If you want a good recap of this movie, I would read this one. But also just go watch Moonstruck.
Anyway. Olympia Dukakis knows who she is, and that is what determined her choices, and this is what my mother loved most.
I used to think this was a weak point in the movie, but now I agree with my mother.
From the ground up
Is this (power from the ground up) related to my mom’s love of Moonstruck?
Surely the power of I know who I am is power from the ground up, embodied.
Surely this is the power that I am craving when I am trying to connect to the ground, the reset I need when I forget what is important to me.
You can see in Cher’s acceptance speech for the Oscar she won for Moonstruck that she too knows who she is.
I am thinking about games
I am pretty much constantly thinking about C Thi Nguyen’s excellent writing on games and gamification, and how Thi says that games and gamified systems and experiences essentially train you to align your value system with the values of the game.
A great example being Twitter (RIP), a place whose utility and joy, for me at least, came from things like connecting with colleagues, having interesting conversations, having a place to share your weird little brain thoughts, etc.
But because of the nature of the platform, and because of the way our brains react to Number Goes Up, you could make some little joke that got thirty thousand likes, and then suddenly you’re trying to be the person who makes thirty thousand people laugh, instead of being someone who is there for connection.
Related: I am thinking about choices
So let’s say, because it’s true, that I am someone who loves to learn languages because I love words and people and connection and solving a giant puzzle. And I am also someone who loves Early To Bed.
But the app is a behavior modification mechanism, as Zadie Smith puts it.
And really, it is a values modification mechanism, according to the work C Thi Nguyen is doing.
The point of the app is allegedly to help me learn languages, but what it trains me to do is to be on there at certain times doing certain activities to get the highest number of points, or to achieve a goal that is related to the app and not related to I know who I am.
Thi says that the only way to navigate this is to regularly check in with yourself to make sure that you are still acting in ways that are aligned with your values and not the values rewarded in the game.
Sticky
That’s probably the best possible advice for this sticky situation, and also it is extremely clear that I am forgetting who I am, and what is important to me.
Anyway, this morning I woke up late and felt wildly hungover, and ate the entire chocolate bar that was supposed to be for a baking project I was excited about, and skipped morning jog, and (astonishingly) felt worse.
About as surprising as John Mahoney getting a drink in his face.
I wrote a sticky note to myself about that sticky situation with the themes I feel drawn to contemplate for today…
Themes to contemplate (for me, right now) include…
- never again
- check in with your own values
- stay curious: things change, you change, that’s okay, just find out what feels true and right for you right now
- do you know who you are, babe
- because you used to be someone who didn’t compromise on sleep or morning practices
- but also we can salvage this and everything is an experiment and therefore useful
- and also Compassion First, before and after everything and also in between
- what would help?
- RESET, RESTART, REGROUND
- draw power from the earth, start from the ground up
I was in a major downward spiral day, and then I interrupted it, with these themes and questions, and with the reminder to me to keep adding compassion.
I am thinking about the question: What is the utility
I have a friend who, somewhat like John Mahoney in Moonstruck, is eternally baffled by people’s reactions to his predictably inappropriate behavior.
Sometimes I am good at the American practice of prefacing what I am about to say with “can I be blunt”, and then also softening what I was going to say. But sometimes the Israeli side of me forgets to do that, or simply doesn’t want to.
And so, the other day, after he said something predictably inappropriate but particularly out of line, I said:
“Dude, do you not ever just get tired of being a frustrated, resentful, homicidally horny innuendo machine? What is the utility in that? What is it giving you?”
Interesting interesting
And he was hurt and annoyed, by my bluntness or by the content of it, which is interesting, because hurt and annoyed is quite often the exact response he receives to the inappropriate things he says, which he doesn’t have a lot of patience for.
What’s the utility? Do we know?
I know who I am
And I tried to explain that the things he says do not offend me, they are just irrelevant to me. I don’t need to know them, because I know who I am.
And I am okay saying that I don’t want this input, because I know who I am.
Even if sometimes I forget.
Because forgetting is part of remembering.
What would Orna say
I had a beloved teacher in Tel Aviv, back when I was studying something called the Yemima method, and she would often say something like this:
If someone’s behavior is annoying you, there is probably some element to this that is reminding you of a situation in your own life where your behavior also doesn’t make sense, or isn’t aligned. And you’re annoyed about that.
It’s not that the other person’s behavior isn’t annoying. It’s that the reactiveness to it is coming from something closer to home.
In other words, I see my friend repeating behavior that does not serve him, and does not bring him joy, and I want better for him, and for everyone who encounters him. And then I have to investigate my impatience further.
Okay, so two questions arise from this…
Two questions, with an “And, also”
Can I set clear, firm, loving boundaries with the people in my life?
And also: can I look at the places in my own life where I too am repeating behavior that does not serve me and does not bring me joy.
Which leads to a third question: Can I want better for myself?
Okay, how about a fourth question…
Can I know who I am?
I am thinking about Grounded Enthusiasm
Can I stay grounded and positive, can I channel curiosity and infectious joy, can I be motivated by what I value?
Anatomy of a downward spiral day
Like I said, I stayed up way too late (for me, people vary), and then was moody and cranky and impatient with myself.
I got mad at myself for forgetting to do something the app rewards me for, and then I didn’t do languages at all, which is the whole reason I use the app to begin with, then got mad at myself about that.
Then contemplated a wide variety of regrets and sadness and shame related to the last thirteen years since my former mentor brought a lawsuit against me, and all the ways I didn’t protect my students or myself, and how I should have just shared all the information I had with everyone instead of following the advice of my lawyer and staying quiet to not exacerbate or escalate.
And how everyone said it would blow over, and all the ways I thought it would eventually be fine because people know I’m a good person and therefore they would know that if someone says I’m not then obviously that person is either mistaken or confused or being dishonest, but it wasn’t fine.
How does it work, to know yourself? And other questions
I knew who I was and thought everyone else did but that’s not how anything works.
And how will I ever make things right? Is it even possible to do that? AND SO ON.
Forgetting and returning
Like, I fully spiraled today. In the bad way.
And it all started from forgetting that going to bed early is the most basic foundational piece (for me, I’m not giving advice to anyone else) in my self-care and mental health maintenance, which I forgot because I let the app change what I value.
Sometimes spirals can be healing though. A re-patterning. A celebration of roundness and returns.
Remember? Yes.
Channeling compassion for a downward spiral
Extremely normal to have trouble granting ourselves compassion and grace in a downward spiral.
In fact, I can’t think of anything less helpful than someone telling me to have compassion for myself, that’s sure to backfire.
And yet I know I would model compassion, grace, loving acceptance and warmth for someone I love who was downward spiraling. So can I remember to do that for myself, even a little?
Again, we forget in part in order to have the experience of remembering
This is something another teacher of mine, Esther Gokhale, says all the time.
Forgetting is part of remembering. We forget and then we can remember again later.
This is part of the learning process and part of making progress; not a diversion from the path but an intrinsic part of being on a path.
Let’s pause, breathe, remember. Good job to us for remembering, each time we remember.
I know who I am (some of the time at least)
I know who I am.
I forget, I remember.
And also: it changes.
And that’s okay too.
And that’s okay too
If I want to experience or experiment with being someone who stays up to 1am, god bless. It’s an experiment. Nothing is written in stone. My yeses can change.
Experimenting is how I learn. Visiting the edges. Returning to center.
Lovingly interrupting the pattern, and resetting the VALUES (yes, all meanings) of my own game that I am playing. And not the one the game wants me to play or is playing for me, or the game that is playing me.
A sugar cube into the champagne
Champagne is served twice in Moonstruck, and both times Loretta (Cher’s character) drops a sugar cube into it.
This is related to an Italian superstition that you need to distract the devil who is attracted to your joy. You sort of feed the devil with a different form of joy.
I love this because I love ritual, and I love this because I love sweetness, but mainly I love the idea of acknowledging fear and discomfort, and giving it something.
What if? Let’s start there
Today I got mad at myself when I (extremely predictably) shifted my behavior and my values because I (predictably) got conned by the Behavior & Values Modification App designed by the smartest people in the world to get me to do just that.
But what if I drop a cube of sugar into this experience of being upset with myself over a series of predictable events, and take a breath, draw power from the ground up, and reset.
I can reset and reconfigure through getting curious. What do I value right now? What brings me joy?
Yes, that’s a good starting point
Let’s start there, with patience, with grace, and ideally the ability to laugh at my own shenanigans.
I tried something and I didn’t like where it got me. And now I get to follow the questions…
What is the utility? Where is the joy? Let’s drop a cube of sugar into this and take joy in the bubbling-up.
Power from the ground up. Effervescence. Curiosity. Loving Clarity.
Come drop sugar cubes with me.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings (or favorite Moonstruck quotes) of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
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I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️