What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Meeting a wish through learning about the opposite
Reflecting on a network of roots surrounding the base of a fire hydrant where I was seeking treasure someone left me and did not find it, sometimes the treasure-seeking is the treasure,sometimes not-seeking is the treasure, and so on…
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Also, unrelated to the tough times, weird things are happening on the website, the comments disappeared from last post, the header disappeared, doing what I can to solve the mysteries, gotta do upgrades and updates.
Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
Scary times to be a person
I am in beautiful, creative, vibrant, peaceful, playful, Portland, Oregon, a place of much whimsy and good-heartedness and care, and also we have national guard troops here pepper spraying protestors, and there is a lot of contrast there.
It is both absurd and terrifying at the same time.
There are people I know in crisis and I am worried about them. I am worried about my beloved trans friends. I am worried for the safety of so many people, and for all of us.
And I am lighting candles for SANCTUARY, SAFETY, MIRACLES, SURPRISE EASE, things shifting and changing for the good. With some strong Return To Sender spells.
A little hex, a protest spell, Return To Sender
May the fascists be hexed with so much clarity (this is my best hex).
May they be delivered so much exquisite clarity that they have a dark night of the soul over it, over and over, seeing themselves revealed in this mirror of clarity until they have no choice but to either do better as humans or perish.
This is my protest spell, and it is not enough, but a breath for something better, this situation speedily solving itself, and for safety for everyone in harm’s way.
Sanctuary and entry
Sanctuary for the sanctuary city. Brutal clarity for the people doing harm. May their machinations be undone and thwarted over and over, gracefully when possible, or not.
And now we turn inward, to the right here right now of it all. Recentering.
Which itself is another small form of protest. Staying intentional.
The intimacy of intimacy
Last week I wrote about heart wishes, and knocking at the door of my own heart through listening to it knocking back to me, a call-and-response living breathing knock-knock joke of exquisite self-treasuring.
Here I am. Here we are.
And I didn’t state this explicitly but all of the wishes I have been wishing were and are wishes about intimacy.
Intimacy in the sense of presence, listening, being embodied, staying close to my own heart, being intimate and vulnerable with myself, and creating safety around that experience. What beautiful wishes.
Predictably, you know how this goes
And in the predictable way that we wish a wish and then either immediately are confronted with the opposite of our wish, for contrast…
Or in the predictable way that we can wish a wish and then run at top speed in the opposite direction of our wishes…
Or both, realistically, often it’s both…
You know where this is going.
I wished for intimacy with my own heart, and then went knocking on a bunch of other doors that were not my own heart.
Looking for love (intimacy) in all the wrong places
Yup. Looking for love (intimacy) in all the wrong places.
And, equally predictably, I was disappointed in what I found or didn’t find at those doors.
It happens.
It goes like that
I was craving intimacy and got the opposite of intimacy.
In fact, I got the kind of lonely that is made worse by being in physical proximity to someone who doesn’t know how to share closeness, or who can only offer closeness in a way that feels like distance.
It sucked, in a way that was entirely predictable, because I forgot to stay with my own heart and let myself open inwards instead of outwards, and entirely forgot about being a well-boundaried beam of love.
So, yes, it goes like that. We wish a wish and then we learn about its opposite.
The contrast and the ongoing practice of discernment are where the learning happens, and then keeps happening.
What do we add and what do we subtract
What do we add and what do we subtract in these situations, as we meet them, and ourselves, with patience.
Because this is a known phenomenon and it happens, and it hurts and also nothing is wrong.
We add: COMPASSION. GRACE. PRESENCE. SWEETNESS.
We add softness and softening.
Adding softness
I was taking yoga class with a very young man who had the energy of a golden retriever puppy (“Let’s gooooooo!”), and I was not expecting anything profound, just to do a bunch of arm balances.
But then he asked, “Can you meet this challenging moment with some softness?”
And I nearly laughed, because what could be more profound than that…
Can we add softness to meet a challenge?
Can we soften when challenged?
I don’t know! But I love this question. A good question for intimacy and matters of the heart and the right now.
Returning to practice
And then I went to yoga class with the doom metal yoga person, and the theme of that class was about how you just need to keep returning to the practices that help instead of being mad about how long it’s been.
I needed to hear this.
Mainly because it seems like I have been entering this new year by making one mistake and misstep after another, to the point that I already have all my corn chip regrets for next year ready to be cast into the river.
It was Rosh Hashana, and then I entered the year with a bunch of whoops that wasn’t what I wanted at all, and can I meet this challenging moment with some softness too?
Context
Context is also something we can add in these challenging moments.
For example, I am being hard on myself about having forgotten to tend to my poor sweet heart after wishing for intimacy and tenderness.
And yet let’s look at the context, including but not limited to:
- It is the anniversary of my mother’s death
- My father is going through a mental health crisis and it is is terrifying and I feel even more helpless than usual
- Monday was the anniversary of a meaningful to me day that was all about deep, intentional intimacy with a human whose heart I loved, and now we barely even talk to each other
- Right, the fascism
- So many people I know either breaking down hard or on the verge of breakdown or mid-crisis, or circling around crisis, and I want help for everyone, and stability for everyone, and there is not much I can do other than breathe and check in…
- I am about to head home to my life of quiet in the wildnerness which is very beautiful and meaningful and what I need (sanctuary space for me), but is also a hug-less dance-less life, and I am panicking about that and thinking about how it could be changed and what that would involve…
Reset restart reconfigure
Yes, let us name the context, and make room for the contrast.
Let’s add sweetness and compassion and softness to meet the challenges and the experience of being challenged.
Let’s meet our wishes through learning about the opposite, and meet learning about the opposite through cultivating even more heart-listening. Knock knock, it’s my heart.
And mainly it’s just returning, without wasting time judging this, to doing the things that work and help.
No recriminations, just RESET RESTART, TRY AGAIN, LET’S GO.
Can I be done with the boring stories?
Truly it is such a boring story to be frustrated by repeating the same lessons, so what if I can channel EXCITEMENT for the same lesson.
Like ooh yeah my old buddy I know this mistake and how to maneuver out of it.
Here’s to having been there before. I already have the beta on this climb.
As the golden retreiver in human form yoga teacher would say: Let’s gooooooooo!
Pitter-patter
I went to masked fusion dancing (masks in the sense of kn95 or better, not in the sense of costumes) in Portland, and my dance-crush from long ago was there, and I melted into their arms, and I can only describe it as a sort of rooted floating.
Of the earth and ethereal. Each moment a treasure. Dreamy, dreamy, dreamy, real, real, real.
The song both lasted forever and ended too soon, and eventually we had to let each other go, and they put their hand to their heart.
They put their hand to their heart and glowed at me with their eyes above their mask, and, drumming on their own heart, they said: PITTER PATTER!
And then they disappeared into the night like Cinderella, and I listened to the reverberating in my own beautiful loving heart.
Beating, as in keeping the beat or beating as in taking a beating
Immediately after that, I danced with someone who in some senses knows me intimately and also truly does not know me at all.
And they said, what happened to you, your heart is beating right out of your chest, and I felt like a reverberating brass door knocker echoing through space, because they were not wrong..
Pitter-patter, thump thump thump thump, knock knock knocking. What happened to you babe.
Oh right, gotta reset. Back to my own beautiful loving door. My own space for just-me.
A good volley with the universe
Speaking of wishes that come in their own timing, a few months ago I made a wish about having a good volley with the universe, and lately I have been having many such volleys.
On Sunday, dance friend James took me on a fun walk around Mt Tabor.
We saw some musicians playing, and one of them plays with James in another band so we stopped for a while and chatted and then of course we had to dance, which was wonderful.
Then two women passing by joined in and started salsa dancing, and one of them had a banana shaker in her purse, so she temporarily joined the band!
Superpower of always having a shaker in your bag. You never know.
We kept walking and people kept saying, “ooh you’re the dancers!” and wanting to chat, and we had all the time in the world, so we stopped and chatted with all of them, and I never do this, and it’s really great actually?
Connecting
One of the people who said, “HEY YOU ARE THE DANCERS” was an older man named David who told us that his wife had just died a few weeks ago.
They’d been married for 61 years and he’d been her caretaker, and he told us that now he doesn’t really know what to do with himself, so he just goes to the park. But they used to dance. In fact, they used to jitterbug way back in the day.
He said that if his wife was there, she would have wanted to join in and dance with us, and then James asked if he wanted a hug and he did, and it was a beautiful day of heart-healing and connecting in Portland, sanctuary city of good hearts.
Jamming
In the evening there was more dancing with friends, and more music-making and music-appreciating, and more connecting, in ways that were simple and sweet and didn’t hurt my heart or involve compromising anything.
Just the back and forth of hearts saying oh wow yes I hear you too and thank you for that, a jam session of hearts, every heart getting a good solo in. Good solo time, together.
Adding sweetness, subtracting whatever is unnecessary or extraneous, softening, pulsing, a lot of grace.
I feel so extraordinarily lucky.
Undoing stories to rewrite them
So that’s what is on my mind right now.
Undoing the boring stories of HERE WE GO AGAIN, THE SAME FUCKING MISTAKES.
And softening enough to welcome some new stories about how sometimes I get the opposite of my wish and sometimes I get an unexpected form of my wish, and how it is all very special to experience even if some of it was painful.
I am glad to have been the right dancer in the right time and right place. The right dancer for the job, the right heart-haver for the job.
Softening even more, but not an unboundaried softening
And I am also trying to soften into some thankfulness (not forced, just thoughtful and thankful) for the harder and more challenging learning experiences.
Specifically around this ongoing reminder that a lot of attempts at intimacy that I think could be meaningful do not in fact support my heart or my emotional well-being.
My heart and my softness deserve sanctuary, and they deserve high regard, and they deserve way better boundaries, and this is the practice. Ongoing.
The lesson remains: I need to take more tender care of my heart, and I want to, and I plan to, and sometimes I will fuck up spectacularly, and we reset, restart, reconfigure, and dance again.
(Let’s gooooo! And may it be so.)
May it be so, or something even better
Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.
I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.
Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings, or name any wishes in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, bingo card wishes, clues received, or anything on your mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Knock knock knockin’ (gently, at the door of my heart)
Reflecting on the words on this amazing sticker: ASK ME ABOUT THE BRINY DEEP
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
Knock knock knockin’ (gently and at the door of my heart)
Into the heart of it all…
Deep diving into heart-space in my journal.
Or at least: those were the words I wrote on the page:
Deep diving into heart space…
And then I panicked. And then I noticed the panicking, and gently, lovingly, backed off.
Good intel, thank you
Okay, maybe we aren’t ready for deep diving into heart-space, whether in a journal or generally or at all. Good intel. Thank you, body-mind. That’s useful to know.
Or maybe, if thrill-seeking appeals sometimes if not always, let us go for the thrill of honesty here:
I am here tentatively dipping half of a toe into the waters of heart-space, testing it out, not ready for the deep dive, or any dive for that matter, and, secretly or not, also:
Yes. Yes, I am absolutely drawn to the idea of diving in to the depths.
Where does an idea live? And what lives in my heart?
Anyway, I had this idea that I wanted to go to a yoga workshop about the heart, and questions of the heart, and my relationship to my heart, and being (being!) in heart-space, as in: existing there.
A place I am curious about! And also, at the same time, very reasonably hesitant to dive into!
While also noticing how much I am craving an experience of internal heart space:
Yes, tell me, tell me all about the briny deep…
Speaking of noticing, speaking of the briny deep, speaking of speaking
Speaking of noticing, I just noticed that the bumper sticker says ASK ME about the briny deep, not TELL ME about the briny deep.
Which might be why this sticker wants to live on my refrigerator and not my car, and I am laughing about this a little.
I do not wish for anyone to ask me anything. Pretty much ever!
However, it is true that I do very much enjoy being invited, in a very casual way, to talk about a theme I am passionate about. And I love when someone else tells me all about something they are passionate about!
So I do know about the depths, as it turns out
So I do know about the depths!
I know about the depths in the sense of info-dumping; I can deep-dive hard into a special interest, or something I am excited about!
I can tell you about my briny deep.
Back, back, back, backing into it, slowly
Back to the workshop, the one I didn’t go to.
I had a desire to be in heart space or examine my relationship to my own heart and heart-space, except I realized that the idea of the workshop on heart-space was living in my mind.
Aka not in my heart or my breath or my body. Noticing that the desire lives in my mind. Can a heart wish live in the mind? Sure, I mean, everything lives everywhere in some sense.
Mainly though
I also realized that the workshop itself would realistically probably involve a ton of backbends, not my favorite, understatement.
Mainly though my realization was the usual realization: that a partial yes is a clue, and worth exploring, and also a partial yes is different from an embodied whole-hearted yes.
In fact, a partial yes is even different from a curious open yes that also has some useful trepidation hiding in it that is asking to be explored..
The Signmaker
Also I thought about how my friend Colleen The Signmaker once told me, many years ago, maybe well over ten years ago, in a tiny kitchen in LA, about a friend who was saving up for a big trip, to the Himalayas, maybe. A misty mountains place.
And how this friend would take a picture of every wish that popped up, to remind themselves about the focus of this bigger wish, as in:
Oh yes, this [current desire, a sweater, a plant, a workshop etc] is a beautiful wish and also I am just going to take a picture and not give money to this particular wish because I am gathering my resources for the bigger wish of this trip that will take me to a majestic and meaningful-to-me place.
Calling in some element or elements of the desired experience
I thought about how I could do the equivalent of this, how could I take a picture, so to speak, of the idea of the heart-diving workshop and then give myself some element of the experience I am wishing for…
And this is how I ended up at my journal, noticing how unprepared I feel (in a good way, possibly) for this kind of immersive deep dive.
Completely unprepared!
To quote the title of the Alan Lew book about the Jewish High Holidays:
THIS IS REAL AND YOU ARE COMPLETELY UNPREPARED.
Completely unprepared.
Relevant to so many experiences right now. Including but not limited to everything in the news, and also my wish to visit the depths of my heart space, to meet myself with intimacy there.
Anyway, ask me about the briny deep and I will tell you that I am very cautiously examining the surface, and don’t get me wrong, it’s a beautiful place to begin.
A heart-clue that resides in a poem
A breath for the beautiful poetry and life of Andrea Gibson, from the poem Every time I said I wanted to die…
And your heart
could lift a city from how long
you’ve spent holding what’s been
nearly impossible to hold.
This world needs those
who know how to do that.
Andrea, Andrea. You gave us so much.
Honoring through words, honoring through echoing
Andrea, Andrea. Can I honor your life through receiving these words with love and receptivity? I am going to try.
That is another form of diving and dipping. Honoring through words, speaking them and allowing them to reverberate. Heart-space loves resonance.
Can we honor existence (and the hards parts of existing) through humming in our hearts?
Round space, round sounds. Resonance. Echoing. Reverberation. Maybe not ready for the depths but I am here for the heart-hum that breaks the surface tension.
The heart grieves and breathes, and it drums
The heart grieves and breathes. The heart keeps on keeping on, beats on beating on, a drum of drumming. Percussive. This is interesting to me right now.
You could say that the heart is both the door and the knock, the place and the entry, the hollow space and the boundary.
See? I can learn so much through letting poetry echo through me.
A heart-clue that resides in question (in a poem)
Here is the resonant question that drew me to the workshop to begin with, this gorgeous line from the poet Rumi:
Why are you knocking at ever other door? Go, knock at the door of your own heart.
-Rumi
Go, knock at the door of your own heart.
Tell me, heart, about knocking at my own door
I can do this through journaling.
Or I can do this through moving or stillness, or any combination of those.
I can knock at my own door through breathing and listening, or through echoing poetry, which is also letting poetry echo through me.
Or I can honor my temporal no to a deep-dive while still honoring my own briny deep.
Can I let Rumi’s question be a beautiful stone to skip, letting it echo through my consciousness and onto paper? What do I know about knocking at the door of my own heart?
One good stone (journaling question) deserves another
For example…
Why is it more appealing to feel or perceive that I am close to someone else’s heart than it is to come close (closer, closer) to my own?
Come close. Come closer.
Is this what I am afraid of? Closeness? To myself? With myself.
Asking the question is as brave as knocking, as brave as diving. Any form of approach is brave. Safety first.
More beautiful questions offer themselves…
What am I avoiding (or: what do I think I am avoiding) when I avoid my own heart?
Is my fear or disinclination to knock at my own door a fear that it won’t open to me…or that it will????
What am I gaining from any story I am telling myself about being a stranger in a strange land vis a vis my heart space?
What else do I know or can I feel about the door of my heart, such a powerful image…?!
And again, Rumi’s just-right question, what am I doing at these other doors when I have my own beautiful door to visit!
Call and response
What do I know about these questions? Why am I knocking at other doors?
I guess the other doors feel tantalizing to me, because there is a thrill when they open and there is clear intel when they do not…
However my own door could also feel tantalizing to me, if I let it. Or if I understood that it is the most important door, maybe even the only important door?
I guess I am scared of my own door!
I guess that if I open to myself i might not need anyone else and that is scary too.
Though realistically if I am open to myself then it is more likely I could (theoretically) also have a good connection with someone else, if that came to pass…
What else is known here
I know that daily practice matters and helps, and is hardest to maintain when [circumstances].
And yet: the practice of [turn inward and knock gently at my heart door] could be as simple as three breaths or a walk around the block or free-form dancing for one song. Or five minutes of journaling.
Practicing: let us knock gently at the door of our own heart
me: I am knocking at the door of my own heart, bringing with me: love, curiosity, tenderness, patience, motion, stillness, a sense of weaving, a readiness to give and receive, a readiness to be present for the encounter
door of my heart: you are always welcome
me: hmmm for some reason I thought it would be more complicated than that?
door of my heart: it is in fact if anything much less complicated than that, and you are always welcome, this space exists entirely for you, it is your home in the best meaning of that word, and if that word is not your word then it is your place
Because
me: I don’t know why I have been avoiding heart space
door of my heart: because you are hurting
me: I am hurting a lot, sometimes, at times, right now, it ebbs and flows
door of my heart: this is a good place to bring that
me: I want to burn it all in the hearth
door of my heart: there is plentiful hearth space in the heart space just for that
What else happens when I knock at the door of my heart?
Here is what I learned through asking this question…
Nothing is wrong, there is no judgment and no shame, nothing to be avoided.
I do not have to force myself to look at harsh truths, there is only lovely light and lots of space to be comfortable.
My pleasure is welcome here, I do not need to earn it or do better or be better, I can just rest into whatever it is I need to be resting into without worry or concern.
There is space and there is time and there is respite
There is space and there is time and I am not doing anything wrong, which itself is the respite from the rest of the day and people asking me what I am up to these days, and me being like “wellll I am trying to figure that out!”
And then telling them and then regretting it, or not telling them and then regretting it.
Especially on these wanting to crawl out of my skin days. A good reminder. Breathing into the reminder.
Back, back, back, into The Heart of it all
Thinking about how the heart is at the back as well as the front, and I can breathe into back space.
Back, back, back. No bending required.
On ventricles and vestibules
Thinking about ventricles and vestibules.
Thinking about how the heart has ventricles: cavities, open spaces, chambers.
The heart and brain have ventricles!
The belly
But — and this is also interesting! The word itself comes from late Middle English: from Latin ventriculus, diminutive of venter ‘belly’.
So a ventricle is a space, and also it is a mind spce and a heart space and a belly space. A space for trust your gut and figure out how to digest it?
Chambers
Meanwhile, a vestibule is also a chamber.
A chamnber that is a passage, an antechamber between exterior and interior, a bridge space.
So, when I wish to go into the heart of it all, I do not need to dive into depths. I can simply move into a chamber.
In fact, maybe I don’t even need to knock. I am already there, in the spaces of moving between. I am the passage and I am in the passage, in the heart of it all.
Into the heart of it all
I love being wrong, and I especially love being wrong about the depths.
I am all about the depths, and also I was wrong about the depths. How is that for poetry?
The depths don’t need to be scary unknowns at all. As the kids say, it’s not that deep.
A memory
This reminds me of how for many years I didn’t want to try sensory deprivation float tanks because I was picturing them as very deep, when in fact they are like shallow bathtubs.
The depth experience comes from the floating, being suspended in your own personal tiny sea of salt, but you can always touch down whenever you want to.
That is also poetic. It’s not that deep, literally. And also it is a chamber to access the briny depths of self, and to be held in sanctuary.
The heart can be deep and also the heart can be a bath
I was anxious about the (perceived) briny depths and it turned out there were none at all, because it is all surface!
This is true for my own briny depths and for the float tank experience.
It all happens on and at the surface, and that’s the beauty of it all.
I love this so much and especially love how it feels like a little joke about surface tension. Surface! Tension! It’s all at the surface! No tension needed.
I can relax into the depths of my own heart, and also touch down at my leisure. I am contained in a right-sized space. The briny depths are an idea, and I can float on the surface, held in love.
What lives in my heart / How do I live in my heart
Here is a clue I received in yoga this week:
I AM THE KEEPER OF MY PRECIOUS PEACE
I am the keeper. I am the protector. I am the one for whom the door of my heart opens, no knocking needed.
This quiet place is for me. This must be the place. I reside in my own heart.
Unprepared. My heart could lift a city. My heart can be a city. I can visit whenever I want to. I am the keeper of the space, and the space is the keeper of me.
Peace, peace, peace.
Knock knock
Listening to the thump-thump (knock knock, who’s there? it’s me!) of my own sanctuary, laughing at my own knock-knock jokes.
Letting the thump-thump knock-knock of heartbeat and laughter reverberate through the briny deep of this body of water, this place of being.
I am the keeper. Keeping on keeping on.
May it be so, or something even better
Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.
I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.
Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings, or name any wishes in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, bingo card wishes, clues received, or anything on your mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Deliciously Unhurried, Purposefully Striding
Reflecting on taking it all to the river and then letting it go, with love
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
Deliciously Unhurried, Purposefully Striding
Entry, slow
It is Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year, or it was when I was writing this the other day, and I am entering slowly. Slow entry.
Themes of releasing, themes of acknowledging and adding legitimacy, themes of sorrow (for me, this is a hard time of year for me), themes of entering as we wish to be in it.
I have been working with the idea of being Deliciously Unhurried in my approach.
And I am trying to combine this with Purposefully Striding.
Combining opposites that maybe aren’t opposites at all
So I am unhurried (deliciously) and also purposeful (and striding), and considering the interplay between these, as well as interplay, more generally.
What if there is no paradox, only interplay.
That too is a theme. Hello, new year.
Hello, new year
Hello, new year.
May things get better, swiftly and speedily, for everyone in harm’s way which is many people right now, and us, and for our loving hearts.
It is a hard time to be. Hard and heart-breaking.
And, also, here we are. A breath for entry, for courage, for whatever is needed, and in the right amount at the right time. May it be so.
Even slower than that
What does the superpowers of Deliciously Unhurried, Even Slower Than That look like?
This is related to my forever new years wish that I wish both at my new year, Rosh HaShana, on the calendar that I follow, and on the January new year when the numbers change on the other calendar.
I follow a calendar, calendars follow me, times move and things change.
Well, things change or they don’t, or a little of both. Here we are.
Intention, attention, attentiveness, spaciousness
My intention is to make (make?) more time for noticing.
Regardless of the correct verb, my focus is devoting more time to arriving, breathing, grounding, transitioning, moving as skillfully and purposefully as I can, if I can, between movements and activities.
And observing myself in my relationship with these moments and experiences.
Let make = build in, allow for, remember that this extra time is needed, especially for my ADHD self who wildly underestimates how long things actually take…
This asks me to pause (for sweetness! for admiration!)
This asks me to pause and admire how playful and inventive I can be in relation to time, how lost I can get in time, how my relationship with time itself wants more time…
Good job, babe, I say to myself, I am watching you navigating this world, boldly and cautiously at once, with your synesthesia brain that sees time and also can’t feel into how long anything takes.
Making space for myself, with sweetness, when I can. This is also a form of deliciously unhurried.
A breath for that practice, which is sometimes an option and sometimes can feel very far away. Both are okay.
Purposeful
What are the superpowers of Purposeful Striding and how do they relate to this new year?
I think sometimes when I let myself really soften into Deliciously Unhurried, I get scared by how subversive it is and remains to do less in a culture that always wants more.
Here we are, in our hustle-and-grind productivity world, where everyone I know is so burnt out they are barely coping, and even that seems like its own coping mechanism…
Maybe because it’s so reasonable to avoid as hard and fast as possible right now. Who wants to pause when pausing means we have to see how bad things are, in the world and in our world?
Challenging times, challenging and unnerving
Challenging and unnerving times for real.
And this feels like a very understated way of phrasing things to me.
Here we are, here we are, in the challenging times, here I am not wanting to pause and breathe, afraid that if I let myself stop I won’t be able to start again.
This is when it helps to drop a question into the waters
So I asked a question about what I can combine with Deliciously Unhurried to ease this fear that if I pause I will never find a rhythm again…
To ease this panicked sense that if I let myself pause and take in the gravity of the many horrors and scary moments, I will be frozen in fear, unable to act, unable to run…
A breath for these challenging times. A breath for this very understandable tendency or pull towards avoidance. I love you. I say this to myself and to anyone reading who might need to hear it.
Purposefully Striding
The image that came up in response to my question was walking across the dance floor to dance with a favorite dance partner.
”I love your purposeful striding,” The Arborist says. “I love how you know what you want and move right towards it.
Sometimes other people can see us better than we can perceive ourselves, especially if they love us a lot.
If I can stay Deliciously Unhurried and keep moving with purpose (and love) towards my yeses, maybe even with some grace and some integrity? Well, that has some oomph to me. That holds some hope for me.
If this is helpful and hopeful for you as well, please take some of this combo, and if not then this is an invitation to feel into your own blend of qualities that brings you something good.
Four poems
Here are the poems I am reading as part of my Slow Entry into the new year.
The Birthday Of The World (Give me weapons of minute destruction)
I read The Birthday Of The World out loud at the river, to the river, to myself, and cried.
Much to digest
The Birthday Of The World, Thanks, The Cure For It All, Lie Down.
Four poems that come together into a new poem.
Much to digest, but in a good way.
I like imagining all four of these poets, or all four of these poems, hanging out, having a picnic and twinkling at each other.
Let us twinkle at poetry, let us read it by the waters, how’s that for a new year wish.
Into the waters
Long-time readers here where I have been uploading (what a word) my writing and thoughts since 2004, know that my favorite part of the Jewish new year, and my favorite ritual generally is tashlich.
Tashlich is when we take our regrets to the river or any body of moving water, and toss them into the flow of the stream, sometimes in the form of pebbles, sometimes in the form of bread crumbs.
As a resident of the southwest (in the United States), my personal minhag (tradition, custom) is to use the crushed up tortilla chip remains from the bottom of the bag…
Memories being remembered
Usually I wander the Gila wilderness until I find an appropriate creek, and this ritual, that is intended to be communal, is a solo act. Me and the sky, the trees, the water, the whistling of wind through canyon.
Last year the person who loved me drove me over an hour away to their favorite hidden spot on the Gila river, beneath a canopy of swaying branches. We balanced on river rocks and birds played in formations overhead.
It was sparkly and magical, the rare gift of a perfect day in memory, set in my mind as if preserved in amber.
“Let’s do this every year forever,” they suggested and I agreed to this, and then, six weeks later, they didn’t love me anymore, which was mysterious and confusing, and it was challenging to not think about this as I made my way to the river this year.
Now is not then
This year I am in Oregon, and I was able to go to the river with two dear friends, in community, among dozens of beautiful fellow throwers-of-crumbs and tossers-of-pebbles.
It was a comfort to know that I was among not only my people, but the politically progressive branch of my people, whose collective sorrow, with mine, includes our horror and fury and grief over the genocide and starvation in Gaza, and I could feel us raging-and-sorrow-ing together…
The small comforts are not nothing.
Releasing, receiving
At the river I cried about missing my mother, and I cried about being alone and not being alone, and I cried about the latest Etgar Keret short story that I am not going to link to because it is too shattering, but it is called The First Angel You See.
And mainly I cried about all the psychic damage of these times and not being able to do enough or anything for the people I care about.
The river took all of it with great love, to be passed along to source, and the energy was moving, and the shofar was blown, and wishes for better [everything] were flown like kites, and it was a beautiful day, to be added to the memory chest.
Entry, slow and steady
A breath for all of this.
Deliciously Unhurried. Deliberately Striding. The interplay between the two. Interplay, generally.
What would you like for this new year, whether you are following this calendar or another one? What are we inviting in and letting go of, and, more importantly perhaps, how are we entering?
What qualities do we wish to name or invite-invoke-conjure? This to me is a form of blessing, the way we can call on words to be a form of RESONANCE that shifts our internal state…
Resonance. Resonance. Resonance. I am here, alive.
I am here, alive, breathing, tasting hope on the tip of my tongue.
Resonance
Resonance.
Breath.
Steadiness.
Sweetness.
Love.
Tenderness.
Readiness (to fight, to hope, to be present).
Grace.
Deliberate and striding. Unhurried and delicious. What beautiful wishes.
May it be so
May it be so, or something even better
Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.
I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.
Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings, or name any wishes in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, bingo card wishes, clues received, or anything on your mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
The art of a better container
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
The art of a better container
Talking to myself (just talking
I was talking to my car on the way to dropping it off car at a new-to-me mechanic.
“You love spa day,” I reminded my car. “This is kind of like spa day except instead of getting washed and cleaned, someone new is going to give you a loving checkup and make everything right. This place comes highly recommended by my friend The Arborist, who has driven you on three different occasions, and you liked that, remember?”
Mainly I was reassuring myself. Star Car is even-keeled by nature and takes everything in stride, even a collision with an elk on a dark night by a ravine.
“Be good, babe!” I said after I handed the key to a stranger.
Cool and dark and in the right place
Then I meandered for nearly an hour and found my way to a chapel where I sat in the quiet stillness of space, of that particular space, and sobbed for a very long time.
As one does in a chapel.
It was cool and dark in the chapel. I sat in the front pew and waited for the crying jag to pass, which it did, eventually.
I thought about the word SPACE, and how, in Hebrew, one of the names for god is hamakom, which is The Place or The Space, maybe even The Location.
Which always makes me smile: I am always in the right place. I am always right here. And also I can move.
Always in the right place or space
Yes, I am always in the right place. I am always right here. And also I can move.
Sometimes sobbing it out is being in the right place or space. Sometimes you are in the right place or space to be able to sob it all out.
Sometimes the thing I need most in the moment is to acknowledge that what I need most is to be somewhere else. And then, if I am lucky, I can act on that information.
What if it’s a trap!
I personally have a known tendency to think everything is a trap and then I want to run away!
Sometimes that is also a form of [yes, leaving the wrong place gets me to the right place], because I am always in the right place.
And sometimes this tendency to always be seeking an escape plan or perceiving that I need one is something I need to soften, or at least run a little reality check.
I am wary, always seeking sanctuary and other forms of protection spells…
Protection spells
May The Place have mercy on me is a form of please protect me (hamakom yerachem alay).
Asking for sanctuary from within a sanctuary space.
A sanctuary space meaning (possibly) the literal chapel I found myself in for that storm of sobbing.
A sanctuary space meaning (possibly) my beautiful heart.
A sanctuary space meaning (possibly) god, if that’s a word you use, or source, if that’s a word you use, or universe, if that’s a word you use, or this sense of place, of internal belonging, if that’s useful, who knows…
Temple space
From the David Whyte poem The house of belonging…
This is the temple
of my adult aloneness
and I belong
to that aloneness
as I belong to my life.
There is no house
like the house of belonging.
— David Whyte
Belonging, in space
Space like the temple of my adult aloneless.
Space like the places of belonging to myself.
Belonging like being a part of. Belonging like being in the longing, in the craving-missing-desiring of this internal sense of comfort and being held.
Belonging, in space.
Be Longing: in space.
This is the place. This must be the place. In the Talking Heads song sense of she lifted up her wings, this must be the place. What a blessing.
Paradoxically
I went looking for a place called paradox, and, paradoxically, could not find it.
It could not be found, at least by me.
But then, also paradoxically, or perhaps extremely appropriately, I ended up at a place called Heretic.
Which might be the exact right place (superpower of I am always in the right place) for a jewish person who just sobbed their lungs out in a technically non-denominational but christian-coded chapel.
No crosses in sight but you could really feel how much someone had wanted them to be there, if that makes sense.
Anyway
Anyway, I sobbed in the chapel, and asked The Place for mercy, for compassion, for Loving Clarity, for wise counsel, for comfort, for presence and grace, for support in trusting that I am in the right place or that I can head to a new place and that will be right too…
And then I went to be a heretic at Heretic, because I couldn’t find the place called paradox.
On the way I met a surprise amphitheater. I love an amphitheater.
Paradoxically, or not, here are the themes
Here are the themes from this morning’s yoga class:
- Say No More
- Reclaim Your Joy
- (which I translate as say no more in order to reclaim your joy)
- (and reclaim your joy through saying no, more)
- (and while we are at it, why not Say No More in the scene of [say: NO MORE!], as in no more of this nonsense, I am done, moving on, I have moved on
- Let Your Heart Lead
- Remembering that your heart is also in your back, not just your front, so leading doesn’t necessarily happen in the direction you think it might, just center in heart, feel into where it wants to lead you, all meanings
- and then we did a bunch of shoulder flossing which I needed much more than I thought I did
ABCs
A few weeks ago I introduced a friend to a very favorite taco place, and if you know me at all, then you know this is something dear to my heart.
They ordered the ABCs of tacos (adovada, birria, carnitas) and I made a joke about how the ABCs of tacos work well with the ABCs of travel, always asking what is A Better Container.
A better container can be a lot of things, the right vessel, the right tool for the job, the right place to stay, the right tote bag, the right state of mind.
For example, a fun way to travel is ROAD TRIP NO RULES!
Dessert for pre-breakfast! Maple syrup on everything!
Or whatever feels whimsical and fun in the moment. This can be playful. The entire experience of being in pursuit of a better container can be very light-hearted if you let it.
Something about trust
I went and visited my favorite bridge, the one that tells me things that shake up my life, and it said:
TRUST YOUR OWN PACE
(TRUST YOUR OWN PACE MORE)
This reverberated through my bones.
I have a long drive home to New Mexico, and a lot of new information to assimilate, and I have been focused on the most efficient way to get there fast but not burnt out.
What if I trusted my own pace more????
What if fast and efficient aren’t even the right qualities? What if I am always, paradoxically or not, in the right place, or at least adjacent to the right place, or able to tune in to my own heart and figure out where I am drawn to be next?
Something about reverberation
Two things hit me so very hard in yoga class, which is to say they reverberated right through my bones, like the bridge wisdom.
One was that David Whyte poem about ”this is the temple of my adult aloneness, and I belong to that aloneness…”
This is not my first encounter with that poem but this was the time that it reverberated right through me…
I could feel my heart blossoming towards this poem, or the poem being an explosion of blossoms in my heart space.
This must be the place.
Something about a clue that is many clues
And the second reverberation came when the teacher said:
“Be a lookout / be on the watch for any places of tension that are unnecessary”
And I laughed delightedly because probably they all are? Unnecessary that is…
But also because what came up in that moment was all the many sources of tension in my life and not in the pose which is probably what the teacher actually meant by that.
This must be the place!
This must be the place!
This must be the place. Where the tension is.
But also where my heart can lead, and in any direction, if I listen.
Isn’t that beautiful.
What if I can be the lookout. What if I am the sanctuary space? What if my own heart is or could be the place I am running to when I need to run away?
In other words, what if I am ready to run towards…
Yes, what a beautiful direction. Let us pursue towards, and find a better container, and then another one.
This must be the case (this must be the place)
A better container like a sanctuary space. A better container like a heart container.
This makes me think of an old friend I am no longer friends with, a bodywork person, who would never use the word rib cage because they objected to the idea of a cage around the heart. So they always made a point of referring to the rib case.
As in: my heart has this lovely case, in the same way that a guitar has a case.
My heart is sheltered by the case, just in case
My heart is sheltered by the case.
Just in case, my heart is in this case.
I am on the case! Of the mysteries of my heart. And so on.
Encased. Held. But not trapped. This is not a trap. This is a place to get quiet and listen, to hang out.
Sanctuary for me and for my sweet heart and for all the trauma of [being alive and experiencing things], yes, this must be the case.
What is needed / what is next
I am going to keep journaling on all these themes, and I hope you will join me.
Or maybe any of these ideas/words/concepts/notions will be a reverberation spark for you, and you might want to follow that rabbit hole to wherever it ends up taking you, I hope somewhere delightful.
In fact, I hope it delights you so much that you also perceive you have the superpower of always in the right place or moving yourself to an even-more right place, a better container.
May it be so, or something even better.
May it be so, or something even better
Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.
I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.
Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings, or name any wishes in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, bingo card wishes, clues received, or anything on your mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Beaming / Interview with a Beam
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
Interview with a beam
Accidental Assertiveness Training (here at the AAT)
Over the past few weeks I have been immersed in Assertiveness practices.
Or maybe it’s better to say, I have been given situation after situation, handed opportunity after opportunity, to work on this, whether I want to or not. And apparently I do want this.
Or maybe it’s better to say, sometimes you sign up for the advanced practice, and sometimes you get knocked into the ring.
Or maybe it’s better to say: a beam
Or maybe it’s better to say, I am in the process of learning how to be a beam of light.
Which is to say, I am practicing being a beam of light: concentrated, powerful, direct, clear.
Well-boundaried, because that is the nature of a beam, it takes up the amount of space it takes up, and it glows its boundaries without that work being effortful.
A beaming beam is always beaming.
A light source. Light-sourced. The source is source.
Or is it another kind of beam
Or maybe it’s better to say, I am practicing being a sturdy wooden beam: just there, part of a larger support structure, all the parts supporting all the other parts.
Like a beam, I am of the earth and from the earth, to one day return to earth, can I get better at remembering that I am earth.
Saying yes to being a beam that is a building block.
What is a beam / what’s in a beam
I am thinking about a funny day from last summer when my brother and I were dealing with the house that had been accumulating [belongings, a funny word] for fifty two years, without ever having been emptied…
The basement took several weeks to empty, and once it was empty, I had the odd experience of looking up and encountering a beam.
Not of light, the wooden kind of beam. A structural beam.
And on this beam was written, in my mother’s handwriting, in all caps: BEAM!
BEAM!
A delicious and compelling mystery
Why did my mother write the word BEAM on a beam? Why the exclamation point?
She has been dead for eleven years and the only other person I might ask about this has a ten second memory, so there is no way to know.
Was this related to a house project that never came to pass? Did it mean, don’t think about doing anything here, there’s an important beam!
Or was it one of her little jokes, did she also find it funny that beam is a noun and beam is a verb? Maybe.
I mean, for sure she would find that very funny, but I don’t see that being the reason she got on a ladder to write this message for [an unknown recipient], who turned out to be me.
The many mysteries
Many things are unsolvable.
I place it all lovingly into the cauldron of It Solves Itself, and then it does or it doesn’t. Solve itself, that is.
Or maybe it is all simmering in this solution (double-meaning) so that something can resolve itself later on.
What am I noticing & learning in my interactions with [being a beam]
What am I learning in my accidental assertiveness training?
I can tell you what is working:
Regularly checking in with myself to make sure I’m not saying yes to a no. Regularly saying things like, hey here are my considerations/concerns here.
And pausing as often as possible, so that I can notice when I am trying to accommodate when accommodating is not my job and does not serve being in my own beam of radiance.
All this is working.
Something about false ease or a facsimile of ease
What else is on my board of red strings, like I am the conspiracy theory gif guy, piecing it all together…
Noticing: on the surface it seems like it’s so much easier to not be assertive than to be assertive.
As in: Just make do! Go along to get along! Be flexible and easy! I can do this. I can excel at this.
However, the actual price, in energy and in all ways, of not being assertive is much higher. It’s pretty much always worth it for me to just say my piece. Certainly better than to hold my peace.
True ease comes from the clarity of I got clear on what I want and need, shared that information in a neutral way with others, and we all benefit from that exchange.
Translation time
What do I mean by ASSERTIVE? What is my own personal definition or ideal definition of the quality that I want to channel here?
Assertive = Clear, Candid, Radically Poised.
It means: I get quiet, tune in & listen then act on what is received.
It is not about being brash or overly chutzpadik, though if that’s what it takes to get my point across then sure.
So i need to translate this in my brain: it ACTUALLY CREATES MORE EASE to say what i want and need than it is to contort and accommodate and work around what I perceive other people want.
Who is the self who beams?
Who is the self of Radically Poised / a well-boundaried beam of light and love, the version of me who finds it easier to be deliciously assertive?
Residual pain
I was humming about various fears around assertiveness, like what if I am misunderstood, my biggest fear, and people think that I am being obnoxious or demanding?
Or what if everyone hates me and then I am at risk of BANISHMENT.
Noticing there is some residual pain from being on the receiving end of the outdated Jewish divorce rituals that I had to go through at a too-young-for-that-shit age, not that any age is the right time…
Remembering my husband throwing the paper at me and saying megureshet megureshet megureshet
Like a spell
Like a spell: You are divorced x3
But really, more or less, it is saying: you are banished, you are cast out. Sure, you are liberated and free but also you are being sent away…
He didn’t want to throw the paper at me or say the words, but we gritted our teeth and got through it.
Reversals & reconfigurings
How do we reverse the banishment spells, real and perceived, that accumulate over the course of a lifetime, the hurts of rejection, the grief, the despair…
How do we reverse whatever brought us to the point of gritted teeth life? Some new spells are needed. Some solutions of undoing and reconfiguring.
No more days of gritting
I have a friend who never wants to go home, and when it’s time for them to go home, they say, “well now it’s time”, but you can feel how their teeth grit.
Actually it is more than one friend in this situation.
I have also lived in the gritting places, the friction places.
And if we take this idea more on a metaphorical plane and less in the literal sense of HOME, there are still places in my life where I grit teeth and go along to get along.
What if we wanted better for ourselves the same way that I want better for my friends?
Let’s talk to the self who beams
Hi there, beam who beams. I am going to call you Beam. What does Beam wish to share with me?
Beam says:
“Trust the Known Knowns. You can always list what is already known. Work within those parameters, and also stay open to the idea that they can shift later.”
“To be a radiant beam of light, you have to stay alert and aware to what drains your energy, and be willing to shift location / venue / mood speedily.”
And what do the shadow selves say?
Let’s talk to Jolene, since everyone seems to think I am Jolene-shaped lately, even though my interest in taking someone’s man is as nonexistent if not more than my ability to do so even if I wanted to, which I do not.
Okay, let’s talk to Jolene
Jolene Self says: Go full Jolene. Turn it up to eleven. Experience me.
Recognize that other people’s jealousy, projections, narratives etc have nothing to do with you.
If they are afraid of what they think is your power, all that means is they are afraid of their own power, or afraid to be powerful generally.
Or maybe, equally, they could be afraid that no one has any power, including them, and that life just happens, and sometimes the person you love falls out of love with you and it fucking sucks and there isn’t anything that can or could be done.
It’s okay to be a muse
Me: Yes. I experienced that last fall, that someone fell out of love with me for seemingly no reason, and now it is fall again, and I am noticing all the trepidation around that.
Jolene self: Be me. Wear sexy boots. Laugh at shadows.
Be me. Enjoy vitality and aliveness. Red lips and take no prisoners.
Be me. Smash some walls. Be a wrecking ball of love. Leave the party early without saying goodbye.
Let people write songs about you while knowing that they don’t know the story at all. They are inventing something new and that is art. It’s okay to be a Muse, and it’s okay to be amused.
Well-boundaried as in being a well
I am a Beautifully Boundaried Bell.
Well-boundaried as in being a well, drawing from the well, staying well.
A beaming beam of light and love.
I choose love and to love life and be love and be life (to be a bell).
Be(ing) a bell
And some of the people who have left my life will return to my life in right timing just like my long-lost friend did, and others will not, and I don’t need to sweat it, I just need to light candles and incense to burn away residue.
I can put all these seemingly troubled or confusing situations into the cauldron of It Solves Itself, with love, and practice not making things about me and not worrying and letting things be. Let them be.
Be a bell and be love and loved.
What does BEAM wish to share?
What does BEAM the well-boundaried glowing beam of light & love wish to share? What do they already know vis a vis what we know that they want us to know?
+ It’s Easy If You Do What You Want
+ Into The Cauldron Of It Solves Itself
+ Say it with kindness if/when you can, and the more important part is just fucking saying it
+ Practice some good Nourishing Entry
+ Call on the energy of that Elmo gif with the flames behind them
Sometimes I am the flame and sometimes I am what is burning
As my wise friend Kat remarked re that Elmo imagery:
“Sometimes I am the flames and sometimes I am Elmo and sometimes I am whatever is being burned in the background!”
Yes, it is like the Jungian dream analysis style where every character and object in your dream represents you.
What if we can be or contain all these elements at once
What if we can be all these things at once?
Love and assertiveness, Dolly and Jolene, the one who sets something on fire, and the energy that is asking to be transformed?
What if we can play our way into solutions, into a good third way, into some loving clarity, into a new realm of what might be possible?
Into expansiveness, beaming our way there together
I think there is some expansiveness here for us, if we let it be there, and maybe, paradoxically or not at all, the practice of being beautifully well-boundaried might even be what allows for that expansiveness.
Let’s beam our way to something better, however clumsily this might go at first. It’s all practice, we are allowed to wobble and plop as we try new things.
There is an expansiveness to that too, a beautifully boundaried container to that too, a beam of light to that too.
Here’s to being surprised by beautiful, simple, elegant solutions, and to generating even more, through taking exquisite care of ourselves, may it be so, or something even better.
May it be so, or something even better
Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.
I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.
Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings, or name any wishes in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, full moon wishes, clues received, or anything on your mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️