Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
What do I want?
My very personal ads this week are on the tip of my tongue, if there was a phrase for that which involved the heart. It is as if my heart is about to let me discover them.
I have been skipping some stones to learn more about them, and everything feels tingly-funny, like when you know something is around the corner and you sort of don’t want to peek even though you also really want to peek.
What do I want? What do I know about what I want?
I am thinking about A) what I want to be doing this year, and B) what I can offer this year in a way that I can handle and that is not exhausting.
And what the intersection of A and B might be.
One thing that has helped is a google doc where I just listed all the possible things I could do, and noticed which ones sparked sparks.
Another thing that has helped is conducting (reclining on the floor and closing my eyes), and then visiting the document. That gave me some pretty clear information about which items are definitely a NOT NOW, HONEY or MAYBE NOT IN THIS FORM….
I conducted Harmoniousness, and then I conducted Emergence, and now I know some things I did not know before, so that was useful.
What do I want?
I have an idea for what I want, and it doesn’t have a name yet.
Well, it has a sort-of name, and it has a feeling.
I want to find out more about this idea, if it is viable, how it would work.
And I think I want people to play with while I figure it out.
So I could do that with Agent A, with Agent Em Dee, with the Shellbacks….
What else do I know about what I want?
It involves dancing. Dancing and writing and yoga.
Mainly it involves letting what I love and crave fuel what I do.
What else do I know about this?
The other big thing that came up for me is something I have to explain in a dance analogy….
Okay, so one of the things I have learned from the world of dance is that the more advanced someone is, the more time they spend on the absolute basics, returning to basics, relearning basics, polishing the basics.
I am fortunate to live in a city with an amazing dance scene. Many of my instructors have won multiple national competitions at very high levels, some are well known and highly regarded teachers.
One of them told me that whenever she gets the chance to get a private lesson with a top-level world-renowned teacher, she preps by spending hours and hours reviewing the basics.
And then the lesson itself is 95% basics. In a way, she gets the same lesson that a total beginner would get, just at a much higher level of … well, of everything.
This is something I am enormously excited about, both as a principle and in terms of how I want to teach this year.
Basics. Polishing basics. With intention, pleasure, dedication, warmth, presence, passion.
What else do I know about this?
I don’t want to be at the front of the room, literally or figuratively.
If I have learned anything over the past few years, it’s this:
The second someone is at the front of the room, everyone else in the room kind of lets their crowns drop. We let ourselves think that the person at the front somehow might know more about what we need than we do.
One of the best things about Rally (Rally!) is that I’m not the one who makes Rally amazing. I don’t lead Rally. I play at Rally. No one can pretend that I’m the one with the answers. We all have to find our own answers.
I provide concepts and culture. I am not in charge.
So something about that.
What would help me move forward on this?
I am going to talk this over with the shellbacks and with some Agents.
I am going to find out if there are any parts of me (sad, scared Havis or maybe some monsters) who don’t want me to get clarity on this, find out what they need, and how I can support their mission of Safety For Havi.
And I am going to dance on it and let this project/wish be a fractal flower, so that anything I do is helping under the surface.
What are the qualities of my wish?
Huh, exactly the same qualities as last week:
Permission. Playfulness. Readiness. Joy. Desire. Passion. Receptivity. Immersion.
How am I going to play with this?
I am going to keep conducting.
There will be costumes. There will be dancing.
Anything else?
I don’t need to know the next steps. I just have to keep asking questions and learning more about what I need. My commitment is to taking care of myself.
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- The Salve of Salves.
- The Compass of Signs.
- May Peacefulness Prevail!
- Announcements.
- Everything is getting easier.
- Miracles everywhere.
- Regular dancing gigs at the ballroom, which is also the Spiegelsaal.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
- Past me is a GENIUS.
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it.
- There is money for this.
- I can see why this moment is good.
- Trust and steadiness.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident, and I do the brave things and give myself sparklepoints, and it is not even a big deal that I did the brave things but I still get sparklepoints, yay.
This week’s ops?
I think this week is about Rally Recovery, and figuring out more about this wish. Internal ops.
I’m playing with…
DANCING. Transitions. Permission. Practicing.
Attenzione! AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at Gracefully Accepting Thanks. Or: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow.
This mission also resolves a question we get from people a lot, which is “I really, really want to thank you, except I’m not going to buy products and I can’t come to a Rally.” And it is also related to Operation Coming Out Of All The Closets, so I can share some experiences from Then where past-me thought her best survival strategy was not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to support my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. It all counts. ♡
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Not Obsessed Exactly…
I wanted to throw myself into this obsession-like thing, with pleasure and joy. And that happened.
There might have been less dancing, actually. Because American Thanksgiving kind of threw things for a loop, and I didn’t get to dance for four days.
Except I felt like a dancer. I approached things in dancer mode. I was in it even when I wasn’t in it, and I am feeling good about my wish.
I really enjoyed Rally (Rally!), and that was a great place to work on figuring out a better schedule for dancing, as part of my Rally project.
The smartest thing I seeded last week was “I can see why this moment is good.” I could. And that was so sweet.
Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.
Keep me company?
You are welcome to drop in with wishes, gwishes, visions, personal ads. Small or large, and in any form you like. There is no right way to do this. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We ask for what we need. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw some things in the pot! And, as always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
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I want to win the LOTTO this week. No, I am going to win the LOTTO this week. That will be amazing.
I can say that because it’s totally up to me to win or not win. Because the LOTTO is My List Of Things To dO, and the way to win is to do the things.
So I’m going to win the LOTTO this week.
A thing I just came up with last night is “iguana zero.” I’d like to end the year with all of the current iguanas vanquished. Then I want to institute practices that will prevent iguanas from sneaking in and setting up housekeeping in my life.
What you said, Havi, about doing the hard things and giving yourself sparkle points is totally going to help me with this.
The problem (for me) with wishing and gwishing and wanting and caring (and trying and doing and striving) is that it removes the shell and the armor and the camouflage. It says “here. here is where you can hurt me.”
But the problem (for me) with not doing any of those things is that the camouflage grows larger, the shell hardens and the armor rusts.
So, here I sit. Shell slightly cracked. Slightly torn camouflaging ivy in my hands. Wanting. Trying. Hurting. Caring.
What I want is to stop saying “I don’t care.” “It doesn’t matter.” Even to myself. Even in my head. I want, each time the record skips there, to say instead “I do care. It does matter.”
And sending glowing appreciation in my heart for this space.
Glowing appreciation, and respect, and en-courage-ment, and ‘me too’ for this.
<3 + thankyou
What Claire said…
Thank you both.
Appreciation:
You might very well be my favorite writer right now. Yes, you definitely are.
I’ve been taking baby steps forward on a “thing I don’t have words for”, for close to 3 years now. At first, I thought it might be a new career, but now I think it’s more like a … vocation? I know I won’t ever get paid to do it. No one else seems to care anything about it. And yet, it feels Vitally Important that I figure out how to do it.
Things are starting to sorta, kinda make sense, at a high level. The details, as usual, remain mysterious, but I prefer that, because it feels like Anything Is Possible.
Community. Community. Community.
All my wishes come back to this.
<3
Hugging this wish and kissing it on the cheek so it glows and grows for you and for me, too
thank you for “approach things in dancer mode.” that works for me.
love and hugs (always more hugs)~(all around)~
…the more advanced someone is, the more time they spend on the absolute basics, returning to basics, relearning basics, polishing the basics.
Oh, my heart, yes.
Warm wishes to all.
Weekly Gwishes:
A) That yardwork continue to Not Trigger monsters.
B) Easing into the Big Generosity Deadline.
C) Visiting the Well of Rest whenever I need to.
D) Health and job for The Dude.
E) Paying more attention to The Dude.
Qualities: Ease, Creativity, Releasing Generously, Enoughness, Appreciating, Bonding, Collaboration, and a little Frolicking, please.
Progress Report:
The Big Ol’ Printer is only temporary. I will deal with finding it a new home. I have the ordinary power of Scheduling My Tasks without Guilt. Tomorrow’s amazing like that!
I did put more jonquils out, but they are coming up faster than I can get to them.
The Feast went very well. My Difficult Relative showed me a couple of very interesting rivers, but no drama. My sister hit my capacity for Stuff in Her Life she doesn’t think is Political but I Do, and quit when I mentioned it.
I am Doing Quite Well on Bits (the code word for Tasks in my universe) necessary to be done for the Big Generosity….
Noticed all the qualities I asked for last week: Grounding, Nourishment, Ease, Gratitude, Releasing Generously, Peace, Joyful Rest, and Curiosity.
Amazement at Project Iguana Zero. Warm wishes that everyone’s wants are fulfilled.
Desires for this week:
1) A vacation from social media in every single form. (Except the few special, secret blogs that I love to visit.) I’ve started internalizing the collective angst/stupidity/violence/ nothingness of the internet, and this needs to STOP.
2) It’s that time of year: I feel as though the entire world and their cat is showing up at my doorstep wanting attention/help/money/sympathy or whatever else. I want a metaphorical door hanger reading “Not Everything Requires A Response.” Maybe a series of door hangers? This-Does-Not-Require-My-Attention. This-Is-Not-My-Responsibility. This-Is-Not-My-Drama. I-Have-Permission-To-Not-Have-An-Opinion-On-This, etc. Written in permanent marker, with pink glitter accents. Perhaps some business cards too? (“I have permission to not respond.” I have permission to leave this group outing at any time.” “I have permission to not talk about that.” “It’s been great seeing you. I need to go home now.”)
3) A large tub of body salve labelled “Patience.” It smells like vanilla and honeysuckle. It has a faint gold shimmer to it, and it’s always warm enough to make your muscles go “ahhh” when you rub it on. There’s plenty to share!!
Warm wishes to everyone!
A small note of appreciation:
Havi, I am fascinated and inspired by the way you create and hold spaces for others to develop.
Fascinated because your reflections, particularly your inner dialogs, open up a new world to me. A new world in me.
Inspired because I suspect that non-hierarchical, non-coercive relationships are the foundation of the best futures we can hope for and you are modelling some delicate and important stuff there.
Glowing you my favourite quote of all time from one of my favourite books, because you are so not inferno.
What a gift. I was not familiar with that quote, and I adore Italo Calvino. Glowing is the best verb for quotes. And I agree with you about non-hierarchical non-coercive relationships. And yes, DELICATE and important, that is part of why it is important. Thank you.
Just a quick update to say that meeting edginess (my own and that of others) with compassion is helping me a lot; even when it isn’t easy to do, just holding the intention is helping a lot.
So, more of that this week, please. Also, I want to allow plenty of time for conducting, because it is miraculous.
Going back to the basics is so inspiring in its utter simplicity, its clarity, its commonsense. When I feel lost- all too often- that is a good strategy. The Voices says that I don’t even know what the basics are but that is just not true. I do, and I’ve pushed them aside. Return to the Basics shall be my theme for the week.
Unrelated news regarding your secret agent code: “this doesn’t require my input!”. For 2 weeks I was living with a woman who was so different from me, that almost every thing I said caused her stress/distress, just because we were so different. And when I realised this, I just kept thinking “does {comment of hers} require my input?”. Usually, no, but I would have habitually responded anyway, out of a desire to keep the conversation going. But actually, when I just made a noise of acknowledgement and left it to her, she opened up far more, and felt much safer, than if I’d said anything. So 2 weeks of far more harmonious interaction, purely because of that, and thought-provoking. Sparklepoints! 🙂
Nice! I love it. That goes well with one of the things I have discovered in my Year Without Speaking. I smile instead of responding, and then it works better than if I had said the thing I would have wanted to say! Yay. Sparklepoints!