Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
My wish.
I have a wish about tracking, and tracking things, which is something I really want to do except oh good lord how I hate tracking things.
Do not want! This could use some rather urgent metaphor mousing. That will allow us to either change the word we use for [tracking], or alter the meaning so that the current word becomes usable and no longer coated in stickiness.
What do I know about my current relationship with [Tracking]?
Does the word carry negative charges/associations? Oh wow, so many, they actually come in sets.
Set 1: Guilt, should, expectations, stupid homework assignments from courses, things like food journals or financial spreadsheets. Feeling bad for not doing it but genuinely not wanting to do it, not only because of resistance, though also, yes, resistance.
Set 2: Predatory behavior, someone is hunting and someone is hunted. Tracking makes me tense.
Set 3: What I call “boy brain”, by which I mean the mentality of ass in chair, push push push, measure measure measure, go go go. That entire worldview, and its charts and graphs and empty jargon of optimize and strategize, efficiency buzzwords. Ten year overviews, comparison. Wholly disconnected from actual desire and joy sparks. Planning and being caught up in analyzing a possible future, and forgetting about now, forgetting about the fisherman.
Triplicate.
The image I get is of my former boss, the CEO of a company I worked at in a northern suburb of Tel Aviv, who liked things to be filed in triplicate.
He was always looking for more ways to be More Efficient (while still maintaining maximum pedantic bullshit), except these ways invariably involved more of my time and energy, piling on stress to my already overwhelming days. Months later I later learned eight previous occupants of my position had all quit after a week or two.
I have always thought sticking it out pointed either to my desperation or my toughness, or a combination of both.
Looking at it now though, from here, I think it may also have something to do with how worn down my self-respect was at that point in my life, so much so that I had convinced myself that taking abuse was a sign of strength.
So, for very obvious reasons, I very much do not want any of that. No wonder I have aversion to tracking numbers.
Let’s look at what I do want.
I think the main difference between what I want and don’t want is that the don’t want is a should, and comes with judgment, and what I want comes from genuine curiosity and presence, from wonder and love.
What are the elements of this?
Peacefulness. Ease. All the intel is readily available for me so I can make good decisions.
Abundance: a richness of useful data points is treasure. Sweetness. Ritual. I do this out of joy, for joy. I am not obligated to collect this intel.
Oh, la’asof. Gathering like harvesting. Like a joyful harvest. It is seasonal. There is a purpose for it. It has to do with fields and ripening, I am a gatherer, in nature.
I picture my beloved orchards during ktifa, when it is the time of picking, it means plucking, which is kind of a sexy word.
Yes. Joyful harvest is much better than tracking. How do I make this into a verb that works for me. In Hebrew I would be fine with osefet or kotefet, but I don’t like harvesting as a word in English so much. Let’s just say gathering. Gathering Data Points.
Hmm. Let’s find a sexier word for data points. I do like points. They are like stars. Mapping constellations…ah, yes, I am gathering star points.
Gathering Star Points.
This is exciting!
Now to figure out which Star Points I want to gather, where I want to gather them, and how I want to do this. I know for sure I want to gather the following Star Points:
1) Shmita/True Yes tuition.
Tuition is the word I have chosen to use for the cost of Shmita, my sabbatical time.
I get stressed out thinking about the expenses of it, in all ways. Not working. Cost of living. And yet, this is the tuition for going through this masters program of my own invention, where I learn the things I need to learn. It is a worthy thing to invest in tuition for certain kinds of learning, and so this is the right word.
Now I’m noticing monsters griping about how I didn’t track the (outrageously expensive) provisioning, and they are whispering numbers and wagging their fingers.
So you know what? Let’s just say AMNESTY to that. We are just here to gather star points vis a vis the tuition of Operation True Yes itself, without judgment. And we are not going to count the things we did to get ready. Ta da, it is decided.
2) Whatsit on Shmita
Whatsit is a form of shhhh working out. It brings me great joy, and lets me practice being a gazelle, which calms me down enough to help me pass as a functioning adult.
I don’t have rules about how much I do this practice, I am just curious about what the amount is that seems to lead to the greatest amount of joy in my body.
3) Time given to The Fluent Self and the Secret Sword Society.
I do not want to be accompanied by time monsters poking me about how long everything takes or how I should be doing less (or more!). This is just to know.
For example. How long does it actually take, on average, to edit and format a blog post that has already been written? I know I usually estimate twenty minutes and then am surprised (every time) when it takes over an hour.
Hmm, possible challenge here: writing time seems intrinsically different from Fluent Self work, except often writing my way through a personal process turns into a post. For example, this Very Personal Ad post started as internal investigating in my journal.
On the other hand, I think I can feel the difference in my body between when I’m using my creative mind to process for me, vs blogging/editing mode.
Do I want to use software to gather star points? No, just ballpark.
And where do I want to store these star points?
Oh! The shinto gate. Yes. Perfect.
The shinto gate.
The red shinto gate is an image in my beloved Paperless app, which lets you assign an icon to each list.
I only use red icon images in Paperless, and blue icon images in Paperless Lite, because I like the way this looks, and lalala don’t want to talk about it, interesting…
Let’s see. My body was having a very positive reaction to the gate.
I get a really strong yes about both the gate image in general, and about using it for this particular project. The redness! The gate-ness! The power of walking through it. The red shinto gate that was at the space that almost became the Playground.
The gate is a sign for me in a big way.
But then when I imagined people reading my post here and learning that I make red lists and blue lists, my body instantly tensed, a tightening in my stomach and in my throat. What my friend Alon calls the glitch, aka the advance warning radar system.
Hmm. I’m going to need to process that, so for now what if we just seed, along with this bigger wish, another wish to explore later….
(Tiny secret wish!)
This wish is about having a more empowered relationship with all things OCD, like, a pride parade for this. And, by the way, screw the D.
There is nothing disordered about it, it’s just delight in choosing order, at least from my point on the spectrum, and I want to celebrate how much I love placing things in a pleasing order!
Maybe that can be the D.
Or, even better:
Order * Congruence * Delight!
Yeah! Except I still feel awkward and uncomfortable with people knowing this about me, and possible judgment/consequences.
Okay, interesting and noted! How can I make this safe to share here?
Let’s make a safe room for Tiny Me, who feared getting locked up, or that one or both of my parents would be locked up and taken away.
What do I know about what I want?
My wishes today are about making the tools of the external world work with the way my internal world actually is.
It’s about finding the awe and the glowing sparks in the mundane. And changing how I do things to allow for maximum delight and presence.
Now.
I am in the truck. The beautiful boy is driving, we are smiling, a lot. His hand is on my arm, and for a moment I am envious that he can go through life tracking things and not have to rewrite the world, but then I am happy for him, and happy for me, and we are driving past rows of fruit trees, close to where I used to live.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: You are a grand adventurer, of course star gathering is the next skill to develop, this is wonderful.
Me: Anything you want me to know about this?
She: Do not doubt your abilities. Do not regret your sensitivities. Love the constellations as you gather the stars.
Clues?
As we set off on Operation True Yes, the radio started up. It’s hooked up to my lover’s ipod, and a Tim Ferris podcast was playing, and I was like, ugh this is not joy sparks, so I paused it, but the name flashed on the display, like an anti-joy-spark banner.
Except then I remembered that Mr Ferris did write about a four hour work week, which is about FREEDOM, the entire point of this op, and also approximately how many hours I am okay with giving to work stuff while on the road. So I decided to let it be a good clue, even though I still have no desire to listen to it.
The superpower of delighting in plenty
The quality for March is RECEIVE, with the superpower of delight in plenty.
Gathering Stars is a wonderful op to embark on in a month of delighting in plenty! This is so perfect I just clapped my hands when I thought of it.
Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka and we’re off..
I had three wishes. One had to do with receiving good wishes, one was about being Well-Provisioned and the relationship between Joyful Spontaneity and Beautifully Prepared, and the third was about an app that is maybe not an app.
Feeling good about all of these, and I solved the app (another tracking thing) with a shared google doc that we are just keeping open on our computers even when we’re offline. We can copy it into a text file if we are somewhere without internet access.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
If you want a Playground mug with a pack of stone skipping cards inside it: $30 + $12.65 shipping = $42.65
Just send a note and we’ll set it up. Not sure about international shipping but Richard might know.
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
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“Love the constellations as you gather the stars.”
I love this so much! * <3 *
I fell into my stuff pretty hard last night, and couldn't sleep. Right now, my wishes are for ease, and peace, and safety, and the opposite of doom — oh, yes, please please please, the opposite of doom. What is the Opposite of Doom (aside from a possible fake band) and what does it feel like? I shall explore.
Such beautiful wishes!
I have been pretty distant from my desire and its needs, but this makes me so full of joy and sweetness.
Humming sweetness to the constellation of stars.
What I’m wanting more than anything right now is the energy to follow the beacon. So there’s some investigating for me to do here.
What beautiful wishes!
All the way back in Wish 292 I found connection and wanted more. And there was maybe the tiniest little seed planted with The Boy. Or at least a garden plotted. Well, I there isn’t really some clever way to say that he gave me a ride home the other night and then kissed me and we sat in his truck chatting and smooching and what is better than that?! Well, having it happen again would be better.
So that is my wish. For reciprocated feelings. For more togetherness without other people. For me to remember that there is nothing safe about not saying what I feel. And for this ridiculous smile to not leave my face.
<3
!!!
<3
Re: red list/blue list — so awesome! I work in a law office as a litigation paralegal, so at least 20 percent of my job involves . . . tracking. Have we contacted the witnesses? What was the result? What about money? Did the other side provide the documents we wanted?
And I’ll prep a spreadsheet and highlight the names and pertinent data in ALL THE COLORS — pink for someone we really really want, orange for “mmmmmmaybe”, yellow for “ick. Not on a bet.” Green for “will cost BUCKS.” Gold for “has gone beyond contact.” Purple for “they provided this.”
Because COLORS. Makes it easier for me to see what’s what when I open my spreadsheet to answer a question — I can SEE what I have before I have to READ the tiny print.
Spike, that’s brilliant!
It makes a dry, crumbly, nasty, gray task a lot better.
I love this bit that Havi wrote:
“. . . making the tools of the external world work with the way my internal world actually is.”
Yes. Yes, and yes, and YES, dammit.
I only wish I’d come to this sooner, this making the outside congruent with the inside; without concern for the “way the GROWN-UPS do it.” (The ShouldMonster Chant! In his pleated pinstripe cheerleader’s skirt, with the dull pewter pom-poms, striped grey and white knee socks, and pinpricked oxfords.)
Who cares what the grown-ups do, so long as what you do makes sense to you and your team?
Color Code! It’s already secret-agenty! Thanks!
What beautiful wishes!
There’s a new project in town that’s asking for some serious attention. Well, not a totally new project. It’s been lingering. Putting up its tiny, tender hand, saying in a tiny, tender voice “how about me?” Now – now it’s grown a bigger hand and a bigger voice and is not being so tender. It deserves attention.
My wish this week is to find a way to projectize with this project. To help it come in to being. It will be The Best for Us when it does. I wish to meet the Monsters, calm the Monsters. I wish to do and find all of this is the simplest way possible, and to greet it with respect, curiosity, and delight.
<3
{I wanted to post a comment yesterday, but comments were closed then.}
I love the idea of the icons of the gate. We have a local garden I go to a lot that has a red gate, too, so that’s what I thought of when you mentioned red and blue gates.
My moods tangle up with colors in my environment, so colors are very important to everything I do.
Back in a former life, I loved to create databases just for myself, just to track the (personal) things that mattered to me. I don’t do that anymore, but I still track things, usually in spreadsheets. I really love data.
I loved the metaphor of “gathering stars” – such a lovely image.
Such beautiful wishes, friends!
Havi, thank for you “lalala don’t want to talk about it” and finding the Delight in OCD.
I’ve been reacting strongly to the word PTSD, and haven’t quite known what to do about it, but a lot of rejection and shame has been involved, and difficult talking about it or accepting it.
PTSD – what’s my current relationship with it?
It makes me feel hopelessly damaged. The more I see the ways I suffer from it, the more I feel ashamed and self-hating. Also, the more I am reminded of what created this situation/condition/disorder/general-wrongness in me in the first place, which is highly unhelpful.
Let’s look at what I do want…
I want to be able to heal in the ways I need to. To take care of myself in the ways that feel good. I want to benefit from the experience of others who have been where I am and are standing in the light now. I want to understand myself more fully so I can be a better friend/caretaker for myself.
What are the elements of it?
Healing. Wholeness. Full. Glowing. Love. Smarts. Of Course. I Love Me. Discovering. Understanding.
Discovering, I really like that. Maybe that’s what the D is really about. Discovering how to take the best care of myself that I can. How to love me to the moon and back — as if I were standing on giant rock in Sedona with my arms stretched wide and my heart wide open, head up toward the sky with a giant smile on my lips. I LOVE ME!
Also, Discovery means that I am no longer *lost.* Lost in all these terrible feelings and memories. I am FOUND.
P
T
S
Discovery
And I’m discovering *me* I’m discovering SELF!
P
T
Self
Discovery
Mmmmm. -silence-
Oh! Metaphor Mouse whispered in my ear..
Instead of having PTSD as most people know it, I actually have:
PTSD: Permission to Self-Discover!
Permission To Self-Discover. Permission To Self-Discover. Permission To Self-Discover.
What do I know about this?
It feels empowered! It feels courage. It feels like a mission. (Permission to engage, sir.) It feels hopeful. Yes, that’s HUGE. Hopeful. It feels special. Secret assignment. It feels light and refreshing and upbeat.
I don’t suffer from PTSD…
I am blessed with Permission to Self-Discover. Lucky me! And to realize this on 4-leaf clover day, no less.
When symptoms are especially strong, I have Permission to Self-Discover…to ask questions. Be curious. Find out what it is that I need in order to feel the ways I want to feel, which is usually safe, loved, connected.
As I self-discover, I can start making a Book of Me and paying attention to me and what makes me special, unique, lovable, and wonderful.
With Permission To Self-Discover, this wonderful thing THAT I HAVE, (it’s mine!) I can play and wonder and watch and learn.
Wow, this feels so much better.
So, my wish for this week:
To take in more fully that I have Permission To Self-Discover…and that it’s a gift. To see that I am lucky to have this opportunity, this permission to self-discover. And also to understand that I am worthy of being discovered. Of being found again. Of being brought into the Light and the Love. Oooo — I can’t wait to discover ME!
I LOVE PERMISSION TO SELF-DISCOVER! This is excellent secret code work, Agent!
I like this very much!
permission to self discover!!!
?
Thank you for hearing me, friends.
I am trying, but it hasn’t been easy. The more I observe myself in an effort to self-discover, the more I notice stories about how messed up I am and how hopeless the situation is. Will I ever *really* feel better?
One big thing I’ve discovered, though, is that my life challenges over the years make more sense to me now. Given the context of my having Permission To Self-Discover, so many things that were kind of floating around as isolated incidents, now have a place where they fit and belong. I find this comforting.
Now that I’m really thinking about it, I have also discovered that coloring mandalas is extremely soothing for me. There are few things that make my mind feel happy lately, so this was a really awesome discovery.
This week, I’m on the look out for more clues about what makes me feel Relaxed. Calm. Content. Safe.
Hot yoga might be involved — if I can get through the muddled thinking that I shouldn’t spend that much money on myself right now. (Has anyone seen my self-worth? It seems to have skipped town a longggg time ago.)
Maybe I should make posters to put around the neighborhood…
“Missing: ML’s Self Worth. Last seen saying yes to something she didn’t want to when she was in third grade. Been on the run ever since.”
Sigh.
Thanks again for being here, everyone. I’m so grateful for this space to self-discover. <3
OOOooh! What a beautiful wish. <3
I seem to have spent a good part of the anniversary of my mom’s death searching for a misplaced lock. Not a metaphor, and yet a metaphor.
I want:
easeful re-entry
progress on Project Lily of the Valley
Warm wishes…
This sparked big sparks for me! I have also had a not-very-good relationship with {Tracking} in the past, yet if I could bring myself to do it, I think it would yield some information that I’d find useful/insightful. My Metaphor Mousing brought up a lot of the same negative associations as yours, as well as associations with the weight-loss industry & size-negative culture, as well as with the jargon around standardized testing that was used during the years I worked at a charter school.
Ugh! Standardize! The last thing in the world I think anyone should want to do a child. They talked a lot about “data-driven” schools–that word choice in itself was incredibly telling. Not “data-aware” or “data-informed” or “data-inspired”, but “data-_driven_.” Which led inexorably to the mentality of “what can’t be measured, doesn’t count,” and the cognitive dissonance I felt as they tried to insist that no, really, that wasn’t true at all.
Anyhow, I think my new term is “Curating Treasures,” as if each data point is a small piece of a very unusual dragon horde.
Ooh, this week’s delightful color-coded constellations even have their own theme song:
“Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you, And everything you do, Yeah, they were all yellow.”
–Coldplay