There is the why that is about self-inquiry.
It is inquisitive. It expresses genuine curiosity.
“Huh. I wonder what elements combined to get me here.”
Then there’s the why that is really asking why the hell am I like this and not the way I want to be already?!?
The recent epidemic of the second kind of why.
“Why am I scared of my clients?”
“Why am I still procrastinating on this?”
“Why would I be avoiding something I care about?!”
“Why am I still not over my grief?”
“Why the hell am I not just making this happen already?”
All these questions are the same question.
And it’s not the kind of question whose purpose is to discover something useful.
It’s a monster question.
It says: “What’s wrong with you?! Why can’t you be different than you are in this moment?
Back to the basics of destuckification.
This is so important! Giving legitimacy to what is: always the starting point.
What you are going through is legitimate. That’s just the way it is.
Where you are is where you are.
It doesn’t mean we have to stay there.
It’s just that the nonviolent way to move through stuck is to give it legitimacy to exist.
To remember: I am not my stuck. I am a human being who is allowed to have stuck. And my stuck does not define me.
And even though I’d rather be over this already (reasonable! understandable!), I’m still in the hard. That’s just what’s true for me right now.
I don’t have to like it. But permission to not have to like it is what will help me get beyond it.
Once I’ve stopped criticizing myself for feeling sad, frustrated or annoyed, then I can ask why.
The two things I try to remember.
Thing 1. I would never be so harsh with someone I love.
If the love of my life were going through something similar, would I be really be saying, “But why are you still sad that your friend died? Why can’t you just get over it already?”
Part of loving someone is giving them room to have their pain.
Thing 2. There is always a good reason.
There is always a reason — if not dozens — for anxiety or avoidance.
It doesn’t matter if I can’t figure out what they are.
As long as I ask questions that are curious, inquisitive, patient and non-judgmental, I will always get information that I can use to move through the hard.
Not useful.
Harassing myself by repeatedly asking why, but not really wanting an answer.
Another thing to feel bad about! Downward cycle! A loop of awful!
Useful.
- What do I need? Is there something I can do right now that would help?
- What would help me feel safe and supported?
- What is true about this?
- Is this my stuff? How much of it is mine and how much is someone else’s?
- Is this from now?
- What am I wrong about?
- Is it possible that ….?
Especially useful.
“I’m feeling anxious because I haven’t been working on X and it’s super important that I make progress on it, and I’m not really sure what’s going on there.
All I know is: I’m in avoidance and I feel uncomfortable whenever I think about it.
I’d like to know more about this pattern and what can be done with it. Where might this stress be coming from, and what do I need to remember?”
Doing things differently.
If I’m asking why, I want to know it’s out of curiosity and love.
Am I giving legitimacy to my own pain and my own experience or am I trampling on it?
Because destuckification doesn’t work when we’re denying the stuck its right to exist. It works when we’re curious about what what will help us feel safe and supported while we’re working on it.
Okay. Done now.
*steps off soapbox and dusts it off*
Follow
Oh, wow…this is really, really helpful.
I do this a lot with myself. I also do it a lot in conversations with others about myself. And wringing my hands and constantly saying “why am I like this?” is probably not really helping me move forward. Duh.
Thanks for such a thoughtful, useful post.
.-= Avonelle Lovhaug´s last post … What kind of emergency support do you need =-.
Havi! This is so weird, I’ve been, seriously, thinking about the two kinds of “why” a lot for the past day or two.
Because, I’m realizing that my “why’s” have mostly been the beating-myself-up ones, even though I THOUGHT I was being compassionate, and interested.
Being compassionate… hard for me to do.
What can I do about this? I think, just start *noticing* my feelings more, the thoughts behind them. Just watch, and learn… and then I’ll sweetly ask: why.
Your useful questions = very helpful for me to lean into this.
Thanks, my friend. 🙂
Love,
Laurie
.-= Laurie´s last post … 10 things about me that you don’t already know =-.
“And it’s not the kind of question whose purpose is to discover something useful.”
Exactly! They are trick questions, because (for me) the answer is always some variation of beating-up-the-self.
Furthermore the “why am I like this” question is always interesting (when I remember this part) because the “this” being referenced is always the story I’m telling about myself right now. It goes back to the fact that it doesn’t define you, but it’s also a clue to why the stuck occurs — because sometimes it’s partially about cleaving to a particular story that you think is true about you. Or me, anyway. That’s how it works for me.
(Ack. My brain is going ding! ding! ding! when I read this and I don’t know if I’m getting it out coherently but thank you so much for writing this today.)
.-= Jesse´s last post … Traveling with Monsters- Boston edition =-.
I’m getting better at this. Fifteen or twenty years is a good start, at least… *makes a face*
Pat on the back time! Hooray, thanks!
.-= Shannon´s last post … How to Be More “Lucky” =-.
I’m really interested currently in this meta-meta guilt/shame/judgement mechanism. It really stucks up the works. For me.
(I think I’m brewing some pattern-noticing about it, but in a very very in-the-background-only-look-sideways-at-it-when-it’s-not-looking kind of way.)
So, the useful ‘Why?’ is more of a ‘What?’ and a ‘How?’ and an ‘I wonder?’?
Or is it just an internal tone-of-voice place-of-asking kind of thing?
(I love your soapbox. More soapbox!)
.-= Andrew Lightheart´s last post … Hurray! I have culture shock! =-.
” I would never be so harsh with someone I love. ”
Yes. When I was ranting about one of my monsters (who is actually Cinderella), my wonderful Lovely said, “You know, I’ve never heard you be so bitter and mean towards another person.” That certainly got my attention.
I think this is the corollary to that whole “love thy neighbor as thyself” bit – we have to love and have compassion with ourselves, just as we would with others.
one of the most Usefulest things anyone ever said to me was this: “why doesn’t matter”
It’s not true always. But they were talking about the second kind of why and moving forward. It is Okay to put that question down, unanswered, and NEVER pick it up again. That was a hard thing for my academic inquisitive brain to absorb. But the not-useful why questions? Not useful.
Love your clarity, thank you as usual.
.-= Leela´s last post … stress and a dog =-.
This is such an important distinction. Thank you so much for making it, and laying it out so clearly. 🙂
.-= Amber´s last post … Marking Time with Michaelmas =-.
Hello Havi,
Some words of reassurance about grief.
First of all *hug*
My mother would tell me, “you never ever ever get over it.”
We lost my brother when I was young, and well-meaning people, in one way or another would say things about “getting over it” throughout the years.
There is considerable pressure to “get over it,” and the pressure comes from other people being uncomfortable with death and feeling afraid you are going to break down on them.
This idea of being “strong” = unemotional.
Or that sadness is “bad.”
So…they avoid saying the deceased one’s name, even though, as my Mother put it, “hearing the name of my child may bring tears to my eyes, but it is the sweetest music you can play.”
Right now I am kind of angry about grieving. Because, losing my Mom and my boyfriend (and Grandma, and dog)… this year… makes me want to talk about it.
But most people, even dearest of dear friends, are a tad uncomfortable and try to help me “get over it.”
We never get over the grief, because we don’t want to. It would be an insult to our loved ones to try to sweep them under the rug like they are dustballs.
Instead, I’ve found the grieving process to be a deepening, an opening into greater and greater love, for the lost one and for the ones we still have.
May you enjoy these precious waves of grief.
(I would LOVE for you to blog even MORE about grief. I am sure you have brilliant insights.)
Much love to you Havi, and hugs to everyone.
*gives finger to anyone who says get over it*
.-= Amy Martin´s last post … How To Make Criticism Your Sugar Daddy =-.
I’ve read this a few times. Lately I have been all about the drama about the stuck – No-one has surely ever been this stuck or sucked so much at life or insert melodramatic complaint here. Faliure! Despair! Gloom! At the not being x, y, z.
So this is needed. Thanks.
.-= Jane´s last post … Eating- mindfully =-.
My WHY problem is sort of a mix of the two. I’m asking from an unhappy place (accepting that the unhappy makes sense and is allowed, but it still makes me feel crappy to think about it), and I really do want to find answers, but I feel like I’m using self-analysis as a way to avoid the thing I’m asking myself why I’m avoiding.
I guess I just have to be sure to be careful about how I’m asking, and maybe just write down the question and answer it later. Then I can make sure I’m in a good place to be answering it, like in my personal writing space, during personal writing time, when I’m not all stuck up in WHY AM I NOT JUST IGNORING THE PROBLEM, yuckness. 🙂
.-= Qrystal´s last post … Starting a New Dance =-.
Yes.
But perhaps even a larger YES! a la A Room With A View.
I have a feeling I’ll be rereading this one often. Well, you know, if I have the sense to do so when it’d be helpful. 😉
Thanks, Havi.
.-= claire´s last post … Exposed roots =-.
Qrystal wrote: “I feel like I’m using self-analysis as a way to avoid the thing I’m asking myself why I’m avoiding.”
I went, “Oooh, this,” when I read this. Because some days I can’t help feeling that my incessant self-analysis is merely self-indulgence rather than self-care.
And yet, there’s no one around who’s going to wash my feet – literal or metaphorical – except me. And I’m a better listener when my feet aren’t distracting my ears.
.-= Mechaieh´s last post … deep gladness traveling toward deep hunger =-.
Wow…
I have recently progressed from the “Why am I like this” to “Why can’t I manage to be X” where X is any number of things I THINK that I should do or should be or should work towards…
I just noticed this jump in thought, but couldn’t figure out where it was originating…
I am tired of being lonely and unsure — I attributed my feeling lonely to being an introvert… and suddenly started feeling the “OMG, why can’t I just get over being shy and just be extroverted already”…
I never thought of just letting myself BE…
Thanks
.-= Pam´s last post … Wishcasting Wednesday- Where do you wish to Grow your Confidence =-.
Oh, yes. This rings true.
My monsters (and my sweeties, who seem to be standing in for the monsters these days, or else my monsters are being cunning and trying to pin the blame on them…) grudgingly let me do the gentle self-questioning and allowing myself to be where I am for a little while. Then, suddenly and with no advance notice, I find myself hearing, either internally or externally, some variation of “Okay, time’s up! You said this stuff was going to help, when is it going to start helping? When when when? Are We There Yet?”
And my answer is that yes, it is helping; yes, it can help. I can feel the difference when I am kind to myself. I can feel the results internally. I don’t need to prove anything externally. If playing with the stuckness is as useful as pushing through it, and feels better to boot, then why not play?
This is a well-timed post, Havi. I’m going to hang out with my dissertation proposal tonight, very gently and tenderly, and see what comes up. Thank you.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … RE-re-invention =-.
A recent epidemic of the second kind of why?!
I was cracking up! Cause it’s I’ve been noticing this for months,everyone seems to be whining all around me “Why oh why blah blah”. It has been kind of annoying.
So as I read the post I was thinking to myself, I’m not whining about stuff. I’m good. 🙂 (smiles to self with pride.) Then I had the stark realization that while I am good in where I am at with work and stuff. I have been in WHY all day long about how the heck I am gonna get my house all fixed up. Everyone seems to want an exorbitent amount of my house fixing budget and it,.. well it ain’t gonna work. So yes I am not laughing about the recent epidemic of the second kind of why anymore.
But it will all be ok.
This x 1000.
I have been stuck in the second kind of why with relation to classroom management and teaching for um, the whole time I’ve been teaching. “Why can’t I just do x” where x is some thing that I have convinced myself will magically make my students behave like angels.
I need to think about this some more. Differently.
.-= alienbooknose´s last post … Yay- fall! =-.
I loved this post, because it is so true
and I loved your contributors’ comments too
Didn’t mean to create doggerel there but hey! I’m feeling much more creative now
Oh, yes. I rather excel at beating myself up. And when I realize I’m doing it AGAIN, it really makes me sad. Because you’re right, I wouldn’t treat anyone I loved that way. Now, mind you, I HAVE been treated that way by people who professed to love me…family members, my husband…And I think that hands-down the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with was the realization that those people don’t really love me at all. They might like me a whole lot, and they might even “love” me to the best of their ability, but that’s just not the way Love behaves. It’s been the hardest thing for me because it launched me right into “WHY don’t the love me? WHY am I not good enough to be loved? WHY can’t I just change and be the person they want me to be so they can love me?” Not useful. At all!
.-= Sherron´s last post … An early dose of holiday blahs- with a spoonful of hope =-.
YES. Wonderful. Thank you, as ever, for helping me to be more *gentle* with myself and my stuck. More compassion, yay!