In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
The hard stuff
Accidental Zombie Day.
The day when my brain stopped functioning, and everything was fog.
Overbooking myself.
Again!
Still in pain about something from then.
Well, about something from last week that is reminding me of then.
Now is not then. Now is not then. Now is not then.
Friday.
Huge fight with someone I love.
We worked it out. Quickly, even.
But so horrible while it was happening.
Expectations.
Mine. Other people’s.
Bleargh.
Feeling frustrated.
There’s a pattern I’m working with, and it’s taking a lot of time.
Also something looked like a blinking red light and turned out not to be, and that was disorienting.
Avoiding my local.
Usually Twitter is my local pub, and my favorite place to pop by for silliness and happy chatter.
This week I just couldn’t be there.
Which might be a good thing, but I was sad about it.
Goodbye, Ruth.
I just received news that one of our people, Ruth Brand Lederer, passed away peacefully this week at her home in Zurich.
Some of you might know her from the comments section.
Anyway, she was a lovely person. Hug a furry animal for her!
And may her memory be for a blessing.
The good stuff
Direction from the Director…
The Director tells me all sorts of useful things. But lately she’s been guiding everything.
Over the weekend she suggested that I head to a certain store. Which street to take. And exactly when to leave the house.
Also which corner to turn.
Turning that corner at that exact moment resulted in a marvelous and hugely unexpected gift for the new Playground.
And then when I got to the store, they were having a giant one-day sale. Furnishings for the new Playground!
Then Danielle was able to come with the car and help. The First Mate got a recommendation for something he needed. We met someone we needed to meet.
All from listening to the director. It’s been amazing.
And the whole week has been like that. She tells me and I listen.
Progress progress progress.
Meeting even more of the Playground neighbors and really liking them.
Picking out paint colors. Buying the paint.
Systems. Structures. Resources. Allies. A plan for the new stage. A lighting scheme. Ideas!
It’s all coming together.
Oh, and there are now seven different people who want to rent out our new treatment room.
I can’t even tell you how overjoyed I am about this.
An incredibly useful meeting with Cairene.
We figured out all sorts of important systems things.
Plus I have learned a thing (the hard way) and am finally finally finally not doing the thing that always backfires.
Living the way I want to live.
These past two weeks have been closer to the life that I imagine than anything else.
Walking each morning. Glow-sitting (shhh, meditating!) each morning. Dance. Mini-marathon-trainings all day (shhh, it’s really resting!). Yoga every evening.
And then having three ridiculously productive and creative hours packed in the middle.
So I’m getting more done, but spending way less time doing it. Playing, not working. Having more fun. And I’m humming my happy hum.
THIS is the thing I’ve been working towards for the past seven years, and for it to be actually happening feels amazing. I never would have been able to do this if it weren’t for Rally (Rally!).
Because that’s where I’ve learned about how to make time magic. And how to follow the rabbitholes and be willing to be surprised. I’m now living Rally. And it’s the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me.
Twelve.
Twelve years without sugar.
Sleep is mostly back on track, and I am extraordinarily happy about this.
Yay!
I only had one rough night this week. It feels like everything is easing back to normal.
Enthusiastic & Play Day at the Playground.
On Toozday we had an all-day play day at the Playground Caboose, which is what we’re calling the original Playground.
First we ran an Enthusiastic and I told everyone my plans and they were enthused! And we said YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY. And we sang pirate-ey songs.
Then we visited the new space and I gave everyone a tour.
And then we had lunch and played all afternoon.
It was amazing.
Bout night!
This Saturday night.
My Guns N Rollers are going to kill it.
I’ll be doing the shivanautical warm up. And maybe some of you will be there too?
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is a fun one.
Good Day For Frogs
I’m going to invite them to play a show at the new Playground. Because ohmygod you guys the new Playground is big enough that we can have shows there!
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
A request for the new Playground!
We’re looking for pieces of cloth in shades of blues, greens and purples.
Ideally about a square foot in size. Or a foot in length and then half that in width? But whatever, bigger, smaller, whatever you have. Cutting up old t-shirts could work too.
It’s for a craft-ey project that will turn into a ceiling treatment for one of the rooms in the new space. If you have blues, greens and purples to contribute, we will be happy for them.
Our mailing address is:
The Fluent Self, Inc
1526 NE Alberta #218
Portland, OR 97211
And if you’re in Portland, we’ll be having a bunch of community painting party weekends that we’ll be having in March. So if you want to come paint and dance, or help out in other ways, that would be the best. Thank you!
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
- Two spots left for the March Rally (Rally!). April is sold out. I believe there is one spot for May.
- I want to highly recommend the Monster Manual & Coloring Book for working through stucknesses. A bunch of people reminded me this week of how much it has helped them. It helps me too. I use this material all the time.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
How dearly I wish I could be enthusing at the growing Playground! Alas, my good wishes sent from afar will have to do.
The hard: My stuff getting triggered at the beginning of the week, and it taking a couple days to work through it. Getting stuck on various small yet necessary tasks, and not feeling I had the time to sort them all out. Doubt showing up in unhelpful ways.
The good: Receiving so much support in working through my hard. The people around me believing things will work out, even when I don’t. Small glimpses of How It Could All Work Out. Feeling loved, and also feeling loving.
Wishing magical things for everyone’s weekend.
Happy, happy Friday and weekend to all. It actually feels like Friday.
So lovely to hear all about the new Playground, much joy all around.
Pointy Hard Stuff —
:Several bouts of feeling completely overwhelmed.
:Dog sitting a sweet lovely old dog is throwing me off my routines = painful.
:”No time you dork” was heard frequently from a vocal meanie.
:Friend in stage 4 having a rough week, sigh.
:Sister’s birthday present became a forest fire of stress. Shoulds everywhere!
Sweet Stuff —
:Dinner out with sweetie.
:New tiara made [not a metaphor] and infecting others with tiara wonderfulness.
:Remembering to pause–so grateful for that.
:Figured out work issues and felt supported.
:Forgetting then remembering how to crochet and laughing about it.
Blue, green, and purple — some of my very favorite colors! I’ll see if I have any cloth that fits the description. Also, I have some adorable stickers that have been wanting to make the trip to Portland for months. I’ll see if I can send them along this coming week.
Oh hai, Friday! I’m really glad to see you.
Hard:
–Leaky pipe dripping onto the basement floor, causing damage to the ceiling along the way. We hope to be able to fix this on our own, at least for now, but it’s got us worrying whether there are more plumbing problems around the corner, and more extensive (and expensive) repairs on the horizon.
–Oh, and speaking of expensive, one of my car’s headlights has burned out. Fancy-shmancy high-intensity headlights, so I expect I’ll have to take it to the dealer and pay through the nose. Bleah.
Good:
–My sister and her husband have made an offer on a house near us. Whether this particular house works out or not, they are definitely moving to our state sometime in the next few months. This is an unbelievably wonderful thing that I didn’t see coming at all, and that is going to change everything.
–That February 14th thing turned out to be not so bad. There was love and gentle demonstrations of affection, without pressure or stress.
–A good friend is coming to visit us this weekend.
–Preparing for a big crazy audition next month. Managing to be enthusiastic and low-key, which seems to be working well.
Yay for the new Playground! And yay for the Cabooooose! (It rhymes with moose; of course it’s fun to say!)
Chunky McFruitcake! I wanna run away to Portland for a weekend to help and enthuse!!
I’m silent retreating on the week, because much is brewing and I’d babble forever. Love to all the Chickeners and their happies and hardship–
Friday ho!
I had to do a revue of this last week over at my blog because there is too much to fit in chicken.
Honestly, there’s probably also too much to fit on my blog, but I pretended that wasn’t so.
So a mini chicken for ritual’s sake? Indeed.
The Hard:
– Being very busy
– Everything is different
– Lots of people are sad
– Sleep (lacking) and pain (abundant)
The Good:
– Coaching with Victoria
– Secret progress on the secret thing
– So much zoom
– The phone call that changed everything
– Actually enjoying the extreme amounts of busy
– Most fascinating week of my life
– Bear time last week made this week crazy good
I can be brief! Yay for playing with patterns.
Love to all the chickeneers and many sighs for the good and the hard of your weeks!
I am so very glad today is Friday. Friday, won’t you pick me up and give me a hug? And maybe also do the shopping and cook dinner? I’m kind of tired.
Hard Things
New couples therapy started this week. So much doubt and fear and stress packed into the anticipation of one tiny hour.
A day of the week in which I didn’t revue anything, at all, and couldn’t even think about it.
Getting something I thought I wanted (a bed to myself) and having it feel very, very wrong and sad.
Feeling disconnected from my single-tasking zen in general.
Having to cancel our fancy Valentine’s dinner because money is tight.
Money! So tight.
And all the fear and pain, most of which is not from now, about money. Lots and lots of perceptions being clouded with fear and pain, and I’m not really ready to perceive what’s behind that yet.
Fear leaking over into other stuff. Boundaries being a bit permeable in general, I think. Questioning those I trust and not feeling good about it.
The Tuesday morning project clash of DOOOOOOOOOOM. Oh god, even though I figured it out, I was so stressed and heartbroken and sad and alone while it was happening.
No time for quilting. No time for piano. Or my perceptions about both were very dark.
Oh pillow, why do you treat me like this? Two days in a row of horrible neckaches when I wake up, just when I’d gotten rid of that previous neckache and back strain.
So much weirdness and disconnection in general that I didn’t even want to revue the revues to find any other things to put in the chicken.
Okay!
Releasing it, yes.
Onward:
Good Things
This week started out with the weekend full of amazement! The Benny Goodman show! My friends at Artists Rep in an amazing play!
Releasing the Mini Project Cards into the wild! Hooray for giving things and sharing things, that felt good.
Working on a very important thing at the Tuesday Playground day! And having it improve my week so, so much, ease and clarity, clarity and ease.
Special clarity: about why I have an aversion to revueing the revues (during good weeks; during hard weeks it’s more obvious why).
And also, napping in an amazing huge blanket fort at the Playground, afterward. I was cozied up under the mast and it was a magical space I’ve never been to before. Thank you, Playground, for being so awesome as always.
New therapist is legitimately amazing and very, very smart. I love a good surprise. And ahhhhhhhh releasing all the pent-up worry around What Will It Be Like.
Finishing a big important project at work, and feeling good about it!
My superpower of the week, perception: awesome.
Cuddling to sleep with Penny last night was exactly what my soul needed. Tiny toddler sleep-sighs and warmth and ahhhhhhhh.
Posting two book reviews! Yay and double yay, because now I get to order more books from the library!
Getting clarity on some next things to work on: pretty awesome even if they give me that pit-of-stomach/rollercoaster feeling. Wheeeeee!
.
That’s it for me. Hello all my fellow chickeneers and hugs to all your Fridays!
Friday? that’s so weird… And, yay Friday!
So fun to hear about Playground expansion 😀
This week had a tiny bit’o’hard:
::The day “nothing” happened and I wasn’t nice to myself about it
::Some aching. Especially the eyes. and wrists from writing… oh no.
::Food. I couldn’t get it right this week. Cultural candy-holiday sugar throwing everything off whack.
::unsovereign, uncommunicative work. bleh.
But oh, the goods!
::new generous client!
::teaching! *sparkles*
::crazy unblocking of connection. more emails, hellos, reaching outs – by me and others. feels strange and different and …great… and a conversation with the unfamiliar me that is good at handling this is needed.
::morning pages. every day this week. this makes EVERYTHING better. everything.
::a hula hoop is being delivered this afternoon – glee!
::I used money from my business to buy things for my business! and it felt good and not tooo scary.
::valentine’s day – created artistic things together, which was perfect
love to the chickeneers!
@Jesse – those cards look awesome, I’m looking forward to playing with them.
The hard:
The three hours I spent feeling and being as sick as a dog on Sunday morning were not the highlight of the week.
Bizarre drama over nothing with the company I was freelancing for.
Some neck ouches.
It appears I have a lot of resistence about receiving stuff. Especially stuffs that might be moneys.
Fretting that I’m doing everything too sloooowly.
The good:
The first week in three months were I haven’t collapsed in exhaustion once. Yay!
Some weird time magic at the weekend where I didn’t really plan to do anything but potter and yet did a whole lot of stuffs, including something I’ve put off for years, and also played with paints and read and did yoga.
The thing I put off for years was clearing out my inbox: down from 1200 unread emails and 96 pages, to 0 unread and one page. Feels so spacious.
Burning all my old journals – crazy liberating.
Starting on Monday it’s like I’ve been downloading huge epiphanies about my relationship with money. Huge freeing change and possibilities opening up with this.
Probably not unconnected: I applied for and got a reduced fee scholarship to do a training course I’ve wanted to do for ages.
Felt well enough to go to the writer’s ‘networking’ aka drinking cider and talking about random stuffs event last night for the first time since October. Intelligent and silly conversations at the same time.
A lovely afternoon walking along the seashore taking photos and having epiphanies. Seriously, so many this week. Kind of in awe.
Totally becoming OK with how ‘slowly’ I’m doing stuff. It’s just how things are unfolding.
Dealing with bizarre drama in a sovereign and tactful fashion and not from the centre of my stuff, and it all getting resolved smoothly.
Still, very glad that this is the last week doing this work.
Actually not being freaked out about the ‘what am I doing next?’ thing.
Yay for this week!
Hugs and love to all.
Happy friday, chickeneers!
The Hard:
Bumping up against revisions, and having them bump back. They need more time than I want to give them, and more work in the soft. Processing that.
Money stuff! There must be something in the water!
Sovereignty issues with The Barking Dog.
Getting caught in the distraction of New Client.
Finally emailing two clients that I can’t help.
The cold I was trying to ignore decides to sit on me like an elephant. Oh, no, missy… not goin’ anywhere.
The Good:
Discovering my barking, snarling dog is a Sovereignty Teacher. And that I have a lot more teachers than I thought. Reframe!
Getting paid unexpectedly when I let go of being afraid of paying bills.
The best granola bars EVER.
Planning a little vegetable garden in the space in the front yard we finally cleared and cleaned.
Reading today’s chicken, and realizing… I started off the year wanting that. I want what Havi has. I want to live Rally. (Rally!)
Love you guys.
Oh week. You felt so very hard. Can we please list off the hard and the good and then amicably part ways? That would be lovely.
Hello Chickeneers 🙂
The Hard:
-having to leave my husband’s birthday party early because of headachiness and general body misery
-being ganged up on by my perfectionist and no time monsters. A lot.
-a scary email that does require a response
-lots and lots of overwhelm and fear and stress completely blocking out the sun
-feeling like my body’s needs are pulling me in conflicting directions, which is adding considerably to the stress
-getting useful but emotionally taxing epiphanies at work where I really don’t have the flexibility to go off by myself and process
The Good:
-getting a new Phryne Fisher audiobook – and seeing that 2 others are now available for purchase
-improvement in the financial picture, even though the perfectionist monsters have lots to say about it not being good enough
-got the taxes done, and refund-y goodness is expected next week
-getting together with friends
-the Floating Playground glimmering in the near future
-made a doctor’s appointment to talk about my knees. I’m scared, but this is progress. I hope.
-Some nice ego-stroking moments yesterday
-offers of support from loved ones who don’t like to see my stressed
-time spent on the couch with husband and cat watching Looney Tunes cartoons (and the great amusement of watching said cat become absolutely fascinated with Wile E Coyote)
-yummy new pot roast recipe
-epiphanies regarding the nature of my perfectionist monsters (inspired, in part, by the Monster Manual)
-reading about Havi living the way she wants to live, because it proves that it is possible. It gives me hope that someday I can live the way I want to.
-Doing my best to interact with my stuff, not just sit in it. It feels like baby steps a lot of the time, and the hard just keeps being hard, so my monsters aren’t convinced that anything is helping, but I AM trying stuff. So sparklepoints for me. Dammit.
-remembering, only just now, that often it is just when you are making progress on some kind of internal shifting that all your stuff comes up and everything seems to get really hard for awhile. So maybe all this hard is actually indication of progress?
Wow, that was longer than I really meant it to be. But hey, the good is actually longer than the hard. I totally didn’t expect that, but it is nice to see.
Happy Weekend everyone!
Hooray, Playground-y goodness!
This week, the hard:
Thwarted by the weather forecast! So I had to repack on Monday night, too late.
The desert gives me a headache. And I spent two whole days there. Ouch.
Still worrying about a possibly-stressful-encounter, even though I’m noticing how worrying isn’t feeling all that helpful!
Lots of surprise stuff! Trying to negotiate with my monsters about practice, and there is A LOT there. And yet, I want to be past it already.
The good:
San Francisco = awesome. Sun, salt bagel, run in the park. And no headaches! I love it.
All the strangers have been great! So great, and therefore so much less stressful than Stranger Monster was worried they’d be.
Safe room for the me who is worried about this encounter. I know who I want at the front of the V. I remembered sometimes that I did the best I could with and for this person.
Excited about the rest of the trip!
The Hard:
I did diddly squat on the things I meant to be working on. No writing, no taxes. No exercise. It seemed like I came back from running away on Monday, but my brain didn’t catch up until last night. Oh well.
Letting things go. I’ve got one porch cat with a broken leg that won’t let me get him, and won’t get in the trap. And another with an upper respiratory infection. And I can’t trap him either. And there’s just nothing I can do. And that’s so, so hard.
The Good:
I had pampering time! I spent hours in a hot bath with a book. For two days in a row. Played silly board games and drank margaritas.
Got help with a crazy colony situation! Hooray for help! And the city council passed an anti-tethering law, and we captured a wily husky girl so she can be socialized. Two different rescues can take a litter each – I just need to figure transport. Progress!
A pretty good book review came in.
A perfume that I thought was out of stock forever came back, and I happened to ask about it on the last day to order. Hooray!
Fabulous epiphany about the one thread that connects everything I do that makes me happy.
@havi – I can do fabric!
@mary : tiara… hmm.
@jesse – project cards rock. Thank you!
Much love and sparkles to all!
The hard:
– Sore throat started Saturday, then total collapse on Tuesday with fever, sorest throat ever, cough. Sweating and freezing, not sleeping properly at night, back pain as extremely unpleasant side-effects.
– Not being able to go to work of course, feeling guilty and being nudged by comparison monsters “The others are never sick more than a day or two”.
– Just feeling thoroughly, thoroughly rotten. Thoroughly.Rotten.
The good:
– A wonderful evening before the whole sickness story began.
– My doctor is so close that even with a fever I managed to stagger down the road to see him and he is simply an angel and prescribed homeopathic fairy dust.
– Kineologist treatment that brought clarity to why this is happening.
– The way it feels to slowly regain strength after sickness.
Oh my goodness Friday. So relieved. And yay chicken and Chickeneers! Happy that I have a joyful punctuation to the week. Phew.
YAAY blue green and purple! Delighted at the color scheme, as that’s my own favorite. I hope I’ll be able to dig out my scraps to send.
My week:
Ouch Hard:
– We lost House Quirktastic on Monday. Landlord demanded another $500 per month in rent from everyone who applied. Loads of sadness and dream-loss attached to that, and extra pain attached to my current living situation.
– Getting horribly sick on Sunday, to the point of being bedridden all evening.
– Waking up super-early 3 days in a row to go to rough, rough meetings at work. Two of the meetings I had to lead, even though I did not schedule them.
– Work in general being super-stressful and not reacting well to that stress.
– Having another stressful week planned next week.
– Suddenly needing a closed-off home office due to workstuff escalating.
– General escalated needing of Space (ended up doing Shiva Nata standing on the bed, and falling over in the Unpleasant way)
– Continuing the grinding teeth theme, plus somehow lovelyman and animals now have the habit even though they never did things like that before.
– The birth control hearings.
– Unproductive conversations with the guilt-monster. Taking on other ppl’s stuff to try to get relief, even though I know that doesn’t work.
– MAJOR issues with how and what I write on my blog, which is a recurring thing for me. Tight-stomach feelings and anxiety.
– Noticing an armor I knew about but never really acknowledged as the barrier it was until this week.
– Noticing a lot of other incongruent aspects of my life.
Whee Good Woofs Woofs:
* Continuing on the writing-thinking-hmmming path. Liking it a lot. Realizing how some of the worlds I built were pre-gwishes for safe spaces.
* Sent random flowers to a dear friend and delighted her.
* Finding a way to get to one of my VPAs – Violet is happy.
* While work is stressful, I am apparently presenting myself remarkably well, and therefore am being tasked with more important, more visible responsibility. This bodes really well for the future.
* Other wonderful sovereign moments at work.
* Being able to splurge on some really, REALLY good chocolate as a small self-gift. MMM.
* VD-Day remaining the non-issue it was last week.
* I think Daily Enthusiastics will have a constant spot on this list for a while.
* Lovelyman cooking me dinners on the rough workdays.
* Grateful for the benefits of Rally! even though it’s dredging up my stuff in a big way.
* Awareness of the Coherers.
* I get to see my accountant on Monday!! (I really, really like my accountant. He’s AWESOME. And fun. And always makes me laugh.)
Loads of support and love and tenderness towards everyone and their goods and hards. Hugs and eggie safe rooms on the floor for those who want them.
Ahh, this week…
Normally, I like to start with the good, but this week started with the hard so my Chicken will, too!
The Hard:
– Being depleted from my amazing trip last week. Recognizing the physical depletion, but totally failing to recognize the mental/emotional depletion. It took a couple days of a vicious circle of monster yelling and several meltdowns before I finally noticed the depletion. That pretty much sucked.
– Realizing that this trip showed me a lot of things that I want and knowing this means lots of things need to change. All sorts of stuff coming up about wanting and change.
The Good:
– The Mirror Pool! When I was desperately stuck in my stuff, I visited the Mirror Pool, and it so clearly showed me that I needed to spend some serious time in the Refueling Station! Of course that is exactly what I needed after coming home from a trip! Recovery and reintegration! Yay!
– Harmonious timing giving me a day off to spend in the Refueling Station just when I realized I needed it! And Refueling for a day making everything better and lighter and full of possibility instead of scary and dark and full of Doom!
– Dreaming audacious dreams! (thanks again for this term, Kylie!)
*so many sparkly sparkles to all the Chickens*
Oh, this was a week!
The hard:
– pain.
– more pain caused by trying to avoid an accident. I avoided it but injured myself anyway.
– feeling cold all the time, even when the thermometer says it’s warm.
– the “noise boys” driving me from my home.
– my sister not answering her phone or her messages. Several family members living in a zone of poor reception.
– heart tests.
The good:
+ I avoided that accident.
+ hot tea and soup and other good things.
+ refuge from the noise in the bookstore cafe.
+ glimmers of insights and understandings and what-to-do’s.
+ lots of notes to self.
+ possible new students/clients for possible new language classes (besides the ones I mentioned last week).
And — I’m leaving Sunday for PDX and the February Rally! — Lots to do before I leave but it is coming together. So excited!
I can’t wait to see what the Playground looks like when finished 🙂 I am really excited that you have people in the local community excited and helping out with the Playground too, it gives me the heart-warming thing just thinking about it.
The hard:
+ Lack of sleep. Being drained and having to catch up sleep and drained feeling at paid day job in which I work short days, but longer hours. In short: I became a zombie, last few days comprised mostly of work and sleep. Blergh. I am happy for it to be the weekend.
+ Learning the deepness of fear and anxiety in something I am intentionally working on. I seem to be walking into a lot of blocks. My mission is to find the smallest, tiniest part to work on that doesn’t freeze everything up. And to build up and expand the metaphor I have for this into a good proxy. And to look for abandoned tools that may be just the right fit for this.
+ Not trusting the sudden change in someone who has a lot to gain from hurting me (and has hurt me for gain the the past).
The good:
+ Lego. Just making anything with my hands really. But so far this has caught my attention. Especially people making their own creations that look quiet realistic that you need to go close up to realise it is just a bunch of lego pieces. People are amazing!
+ Just focusing on sleep and work helped more with my ‘learning about how I work with time’ stuff.
+ Learning good things about how things in the world operate. I can’t remember what they are. I hope I have grokked them on some level. I guess generally, my brain is running a lot more smoothly and it is a good thing.
+ Working through grief of some things and jealousies. Still more to do (like all patterns, I suppose I will be working on parts of it and bumping against it to my surprise for the next few years). But thats ok. I am aware and not using it as a way to avoid doing my things
+ Letting a thing percolate instead of rushing into it. It has been a really good idea.
+ Related to above, learning that just because a bunch of people do their things one way, I don’t have to do it that way as well. And realising they are doing their things that way out of a certain desperation pattern mindset.
+ Vegan caramel chocolates. And not sharing them 😉
+ The slight emergence of different inner versions of me weaving in and out, to provide advice and action. I’d like a more intentional relationship with them.
Time for closing week.
The Hard
– The yelling
Getting yelled at by the supervisor. Not being able or allowed to speak. Getting blamed for not making progress. Knowing there are legitimate reasons why there was no progress and not getting a chance to give my perspective. Being reduced to a toddler and not in any way knowing how to communicate. Feeling super helpless.
– crying & no progress
much related to the above – activation of all monsters. feeling like shit. not being able to work or move. lots of crying.
The Good
– random act of friendliness
a super-platonic valentine’s day card from the new flatmates which added just a touch of ‘sweet’ to the bitter of the week.
– dinner
with a friend i chose who continues to be a friend i can talk to.
– a job fair invite
getting selected based on my cv into a program to talk to several companies. so excited about something new.
– bruce wayne
in the midst of all the yelling, a tiny part of me that feels strong and confident and says ‘we’ll show them’ and ‘the supervisor is not relevant’
@Hannah — *HUG*. That sounds so very hard and horrible. On the other hand, hooray for Bruce Wayne!
Okay, I’m calling Silent Retreat! on some of The Things, because right now what I really want is to celebrate (YAY!) epiphany breakthrough. And fishnets. Clarity begets clarity. This is good. Also: separation begets connection. Love begets realness begets growth. And epiphanies.
Yay, and sitting with the good and the hard for everyone.
@Havi I have gifts of love for the Playground, too! I’ll raid the ol’ fabric stash and send any blue, green, or purple I find, too.
So…this week…
The hard:
* Transitions! All at once!
* Monster negotiations galore.
* Baby proofing my house again. I forgot how many things need covering, locking, or concealing!
* Noticing things that have been needing doing for a long time and wondering where the last year has gone. I could have sworn it was just a couple of months ago that I said I would get to that…
* Dealing with iguanas.
* Invasion of privacy. That isn’t the intent, but it’s how it feels.
* People picking on my sister and not being able to do anything about it. I’m her big sister no matter how old we are and I want to protect her from this, but I know I can’t.
The good:
* Reminded myself about conscious entry going into a very emotion ridden meeting and many of the qualities I wanted to happen happened. The force field with this one was strong, my friends. That was a great feeling!
* New addition to the household!
* Needing things for a new addition to the household and getting almost every single thing we needed without having to ask. It all just showed up right when we needed it. Awesome.
* Batting practice on Sunday. I went to hit 75 balls, but ended up hitting 250. It felt so good that I didn’t realize I was dripping sweat by the time I was done. That out of the park home run is coming. I can feel it!
* There is a beautiful cross phased fox that lives in my neighborhood. I got to watch him hunting voles in my front yard in the twilight last night. He’s big, beautiful, and might just be a she. I couldn’t tell from afar.
The Hard:
My insides feel like they are filled with broken glass. Broken glass that I thought had softened and turned to sea glass. But it’s not. It’s sharp again. And fresh. And so so painful. Painful to the point of sobbing hysterically the entire way home last night. Painful to the point of getting on the stair climber for 45 minutes to try to distract my heart from breaking. Like not a day has passed since I first felt this way.
The Good:
My friends.
Feelings are good, right?
I get to run tomorrow.
Friday again!!
At first my memory made me think nothing special happened this week, but there are actually important things and revelations!!
The Hard:
– Stress about not knowing what “my deal” is increasingly bigger for the last weeks, making difficult to separate the monsters’ truth from pain
– Not resting enough because wanting to do too many things for too many people
– Misunderstanding with a special relative
– Feeling guitly and letting other’s stuff enter my space
The Good:
– Realizing what my dream life might look like and finding baby-steps towards it, this is my tiny sweet thing
– Getting lots of support from my best friend on my new project, pressure-free support
– Being able to feel helpful for an abroad friend without it triggering my stuff
– Managed guilty feelings and returned other’s expectations successfully, allowing myself to spend a nice evening with my special relative and work things out
– Being able to help my nephew study for Analitic Geometry test
– Being there for my pet-who-got-adopted-by-my-friend (long story)
Love the news on the new Playground, I’m excited and enthused from here (Mexico).
Hard:
* misplacing things. alarming and annoying.
* social network insecurities. especially the unwelcome flashbacks of grade school and college cluelessness.
* binning things I made; selling/donating things I paid for. so stupid hard.
* the list so long, the week so short.
Merely annoying:
* coffee machine conking out right in middle of preparing breakfast for guests.
* dried possum blood on dog fur, and possum corpse at foot of stairs. Ugh.
Good:
* houseguests welcomed and fed.
* husband fixed barstools.
* watching the Wooten Brothers. killer chops, great smiles.
* progress both on current project and future OODs.
Bonne chance to all y’all.
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– Sickness Limbo… not sick enough to stay in bed but not well enough to do stuff.
– Being in the middle of moving. Stuff is everywhere and nothing has a place. This is one of the things I hate most in the entire world – things being out of place or not having a place.
– It’s time to give an exam and so classroom incivilities increase. Yes, it is a well-researched known fact that they increase near exam time but it still sucks to have to deal with them.
The Good:
– Many interesting projects popping up that I’d like to work on and in turn many interesting conversations with colleagues.
– Making a To Die For Tarragon Cream Sauce
– Perfect Sleep
This week was front loaded with hard:
Monday I had to take DD#2 home from the doctor because she was in a sling and couldn’t carry her backpack.
Monday DH made the appointment for our very old doggy.
Tuesday DS#2 had a root canal.
Wednesday we took our very old doggy for her final appointment.
Yesterday and today breaking out into tears because of unexpected reminders, or obvious ones (like her empty bowls).
Good:
DD#2s arm was hurt, not broken (insert Buffy reference, Season 4 episode 1).
DS’ root canal went more smoothly than we could have hoped for.
The very nice woman at the vet who hugged me and told me we were making the right decision. And who understood me when I said I didn’t want another dog.
Jennifer at the clay store hugging and crying with me and giving me one of her ceramic dog angels when I told her about very old doggy.
My quilt was the featured art on the Brave Girls newsletter and I got some very nice comments on my blog.
It was sunny almost every day this week.
Two weeks until the Floop!
Hard:
-How slow I feel. A bit adrift. Journalling just a few words a day. I’m trying to be patient with myself, but it’s not easy.
-Missed yoga again on Sunday, rats!
-Internal mutterings about stuff like validation, loneliness, motivation… not sure when it’s monster-talk and when it’s legitimate. Tricky.
Good:
-Discovered some new awesome music (First Aid Kit, which is a duo of Swedish sisters who sing folksy songs with adorable faux-American accents). Sat and held my housemate’s adorable sleeping baby while listening through all their albums.
-Making good progress on my purple shawl!
-The labradorite that I ordered came in the mail. Soooo pretty 🙂
-My partner got her application to grad school submitted on time! *fingers crossed*
-Even though things can seem hard and slow right now, I really believe I’m getting better at taking care of myself and setting things up that will make me happy in the future. This is a good thing.
-I hear it’s a long weekend or something, neat!
Have a lovely weekend, everyone 🙂
ohmygod! very very busy week which concluded today with Extreme Meltdown! Extreme Meltdown contained some extremely useful lessons, as it turned out. deep asian bows of gratitude to insightful fairies who helped me get there. still feeling a little bit tender — too much so to Chicken properly but ready to put myself and projects and feelings to bed. which, today, I realized that I haven’t done properly in a long time.
Oy, pains are painful. Deep hugs and compassion to all others going through the Hard. (if you want it.)
Cluckity cluck cheeps. Hello to the friday chook.
Hardshtuff
– ummmmmm.
– I’m struggling to find something that I would define as a ‘hard’ for the week… Maybe I’m swimming in a soup of chill-hormones but even the things that would normally be reported as a ‘hard’…. aint necessarily so….
– the sixteen year old daughter of a friend is obviously really struggling and took a bunch of medicine and waited about ten hours before telling her mum. I spent the night after her mum told me trying to compose a letter to say ‘it’s okay- being slightly fucked up is boringly normal, and the part of you that compelled you to do that was trying to take care of you, and you are getting better at learning better ways to take care of you, just like the rest of us, and everything is okay, really, even when it doesn’t feel that way.’ I didnt get it written and my heart is still aching for them all of course, but then – that is a) okay and b) probably as it should be. So… is that a hard? Only if I buy into the story that it/I/the situation should be otherwise…
– the last week or two of being preggo is quite uncomfortable. Even QUITE uncomfortable sometimes. But then – that is what it is and as it should be. So… not ‘hard’, unless I resist it and think it should be otherwise.
– money is tight, but only because we’ve GOT electricity and running water and cars to help us do what we need to do…. Ibid
– am I giving y’all the shits with the pompous buddha report yet? I hope not… This is, I don’t doubt, temporary and does not define me and I’ll be part of the human race again shortly!!
Goodshtuff
+ Little Lad seems to be blossoming for no apparent ‘reason’. I guess it’s just a critical mass of everything we’ve been investing: speech therapy, OT, conscious parenting, good kinder, patience…. Why the sudden-ness? Who knows. Who cares? Thank you yes, I’ll take it.
+ dragon-taming work has started yielding results. Fancy that – when you fill in paperwork for bureaucracies you get money. Who woulda thunk it?
+ my husband is brilliant and divine and I adore him. He’s also a complete pain and ridiculously annoying. And I wouldn’t change a thing.
+ the interwebs has been full of brilliance this week. I love the places I hang out.
+ SURELY this baby is going to come out sooooooon!!
What a most unusual chicken. I’m not on drugs. Must be hormones. Which is just fine with me, thanks.
Much love all around. xoxo
Also @havi, I am beyond delighted to know that such a magnificent business/world/pirate-ship as you’ve created here with the Fluent Self, can be not only sustained but expanded and invested in and successfully managed by a ‘work schedule’ that wasn’t written by the labour union movement during the Industrial Revolution. 8 hours? Who says?
May we all find our way to living our life and building our thing (thing!) and giving what we have to give in our own unique, best way.
Yay. xxxx
¡Hola, chickeneers! And yay, caboose! It *is* fun to say.
The hard parts:
A big part of my life is feeling more and more incongruent. This, however, does not make it disappear in a cloud of dust. Instead, more and more conscious of its incongruence. I guess that is the way…
Also, fight with son. Very painful. Fixed now.
The good parts:
– Wonderful massage
– Seeing signs of increased sovereignty in son
– Followed intuition to honor-system open-air book sale, and found the perfect thing, which somehow has many clews for me
– Housekeeper! OMG, housekeeper.
– Long weekend
– Amazing, wonderful call with a teacher
– Have found a very fun way of doing VPAs
– Something is happening to stretch time
– Something crazy is happening in my Shiva Nata. Like, knowing what’s next. Arms moving there. Feelings of fluidity. SOOOOO luscious!
– Ninth anniversary. Still grateful and feeling lucky.
The best part
Relief about something I had *all wrong* from two people I trust and who are smart, smart people. They don’t know each other, but they said exactly the same thing, and it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Such a lovely thing to read all the chickens.
And now I’ve slipped a (to) in there ^ and I’m picturing a group of chickens wearing school uniforms, sitting in a circle, listening attentively as I read them a picture book… Ah, the good old days. Of chicken-storybook-hour on the farm. (what? I’m the only one?)
The Hard:
-Slipping on ice at 5AM as I walked to work last weekend. Fell and hurt my wrist, knee, back.
-Back pain turning bad yesterday, made work slow-going and painful.
-ouch.
-feeling less-than-sovereign about asking for schedule changes at work.
-still no movement on a few things that have been waiting a long time.
-feeling like I’m letting someone down.
-not feeling clear about two things that need decisions soon. And disliking the whole slow train wreck of no-decision-turning-into-a-decision.
-letting go of the things that I wanted to complete by now. dandelion seeds in the wind.
-must pack! must ready! monster voices at the edges of my embarking motions.
The Good:
-Taught an awesome Shiva Nata class monday night. So much fun. So many happy ideas for next time. Fun to introduce new people to it and have them love it.
-Community building. Feels like I finally have real friends here in town, and a support network that extends beyond my husband and cat.
-the sweetness and simplicity of being in love with my husband and cat.
-resting my wrist all week, and finding that I could play well despite the lack of practice.
-awesome rehearsal for the performance I’ve organized!
-getting to play one of my favorite pieces again (Shostakovich’s 8th string quartet) –it’s been 10 years! I missed you!
-finding/gather/making gifts to bring to the playground!
-anticipation: flying to PDX on Monday for RALLY!!!
-anticipation: the floop is flooping its way here!
So much love to all.
Catching up today, so I’ll dive right in:
This week’s hard:
– Lots of puzzle piece rearranging in my schedule this week to work around changing priorities. Avalanche of everything all at once yesterday.
– Stumbles and hesitations in working out procedures for a big new client. Completely expected, but still hard.
– Not able to take advantage of a big publicity opportunity that dropped into my lap because I’ve put off doing a particular project over and over again.
This week’s good:
– I made a big, big breakthrough with some monsters that have been hanging around since I was a little kid, and a related reframing with the help of Metaphor Mouse. Big. Huge. Life-changing.
– Even with all the chaos this week, I was able to keep up with my moving meditation, and it felt good.
– I took a dozen pairs of earrings to one of my galleries yesterday and just got an email that four of them have sold already today. Crazy!
Happy weekend, Chickeneers!
oh it feels so good to be here and to be doing this…
love to all the reviews and all the leaving-behinds and all the moving-forwards and all the being with whatever has been there…..
let’s see:
this week had hard stuff, really hard stuff:
– like a session of unstoppable crying and the following dehydration.
– which led to realizing that i needed to paint, for myself = GOOD
– which was GOOD, but HARD because it was hard to stay with it and i was a bit overbooked this week for having a week of needing to empty out and be really internal.
– but i cancelled a meeting, which was HARD to do, but GOOD.
– and I’ve got this jaw pain that i don’t understand yet, which is HARD, cause it hurts and it’s a mystery, but i’m learning to rest into it, and relax my jaw, and i layed off the coffee, which is GOOD
– and i’m spending time in review, now, which is good.
– i got myself up on monday after the crying session, but still feeling kindof in it and realized what i needed, which was GREAT.
– i was mostly responsible for what i was feeling, until the night when i was supposed to be resting and instead i called my partner-in-crime to discuss some things which turned into an important but scary and HARD conversation.
– my fear is HARD.
– my fear around love is HARD
– i talked myself through a good number of difficult moments that wanted to suck me into their abyss, but i decided that i wouldn’t go there, which was GOOD.
– i had a great conversation with someone who was inspired by me, and therefore helped me to reconnect to what i’m doing, and felt inspired by her in return. ALL GOOD.
– i allowed my Friday to be organic = GOOD and progress!
– i had some really important realizations come around giving and receiving and money which is GREAT. and these realizations felt really HARD earned this week…
– had a beautifully restorative, sensual day with my sweetie. which was GREAT.
– it came to me in a painting, that it’s time to let more LOVE + LIGHT in, which is really, really GOOD.
– had some yummy food on saturday, which is really GOOD, and got another drawing request, which i love.
– made some changes to my blog, around what i am offering… GOOD.
– am giving myself time this evening to reflect, and do some yoga and take a bath which feels really good.
– had a breakthrough around my fear that i’m “too much” that led to feeling fuller and safer than i typically do.
wow. the weeks are so full.
love to all.
jessica
Havi, this is the most amazing post and I am SO happy for you. And inspired. Wondering if I could get (or really, access) my own Director…
The Hard:
– Shoe-filled email from family. So much pain, theirs and mine.
– Considering the possibility of The Event and working through so much stuck and pain and loud monster panic.
– So much time lost to the pain, anxiety and overwhelm from the above. So much hard.
– Sick! Being sick is no fun. Especially not when there is so much stuff to do. Momentary “there is no one to take care of me” lapse, but it was handled well.
– Thinking about “stuff to do” is an instant panic activation button, it seems.
– Noticing a pattern but not knowing how to interrupt it. I tend to not want to turn down invitations to study sessions where no studying will happen, or hangouts that last 24+ hours, even when “there is so much stuff to do” because at this point in my life, people feel so precious. But I must do stuff. And to do stuff, I need to manage my time better. Will do some more noticing and playing with this.
– internet troubles at home, just an added annoyance.
The Good:
– Oh my god my friends are the bestest friends in the whole wide world. I realize I say this every time I Chicken. But it’s true – I love them. I love how my life is filled with people I love and who love me back.
– Reading week! No classes for a week! Even with “there is so much stuff to do,” this makes for a nice opportunity to just “do” and “be” with my work.
– Using that sickness-superpower that Havi noted a while back to deal with the panic accompanying the “there is so much stuff to do” narrative. It has been working quite well.
– I think I am ready for The Event. I am ready to see Bunny. I am ready and able and trust myself to want this, to work to get it and to do the best that I can with it.
– This moment, just chickening, feeling instantly grounded.
Thank you, Havi, for creating this space, and thank you all Chickeners too.
Chick’nin’ from last week! Time Traveling Chicken! I was at my Queer Quaker Retreat all weekend, which is its OWN fabulous sort of Chicken Dance.
Hard Stuff:
+A surprise visit from the “You’re not a REAL writer” monster
+Procrastinationationationation
+Very, very badly timed visit to the Alien Body Part Orbit Cycle
+Anxiety about my trip
+Asking for help so I will go to the eye doctor
+stressing about Project Finishing Steps
Good Stuff:
+Getting ready for my trip!
+REHEARSAL!!
+more Valentines! more celebrating!
+practicing Shiva Nata
+cooking tasty food for my Future Self, so ze would have delicious things to eat when ze came home from zir trip!
+good quality time with my dad
+restrung my guitar
+finished the Rainbow Magic Shawl