In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
The hard stuff
Too much doing. Not enough exit from doing.
Back to back meetings means no time to review and recover.
It doesn’t work. Not for me.
I already knew this, but now I know it.
Weekend full of work stuff.
I mistakenly learned as a child that working evening and weekends “doesn’t count”. It’s just this thing that you do. And if you’re teaching or facilitating, then it’s not work either.
And of course, in this world of internal distortions, there is no such thing as, say, getting to work fewer hours in the day if you are doing more work in the evening. Yep.
There were so many things that absolutely had to be done this weekend because otherwise this week would be a disaster.
Like writing up the lighting concept in time to run it for approval, reviewing a bunch of applications, writing the invitation for the painting party, sending the First Mate the notes from the meeting with the attorney, painting in the new Playground.
And I felt really rebellious about that.
Sore from painting and from too much work.
Tight tight tight.
The pain of wanting and waiting.
Wanting things that aren’t options right now/yet.
Or maybe not at all.
Processing a lot of sadness about that.
People still want to tell me how they think I should perceive or process.
I don’t actually care how anyone else would process my process.
That’s the whole point. It’s my process.
So many gigantic projects.
We’re essentially opening six different-but-related businesses in the new space.
And each one comes with its own learning curve and challenges.
This week was about how exhausting that is.
The one thing that really has to be done today and does not seem to be even close.
Aaaaaaargh.
The good stuff
Magic.
I was able to easily and gracefully skirt around a potential GIANT LANDMINE this week, all because of having done the alignment exercise.
During a meeting with someone, she got triggered and instantly sunk deep into her stuff. Since her stuff overlaps with my stuff, normally this would have set me off too, but it didn’t because I’d spent an entire hour clearing my part of it out beforehand.
Thank god, thank god for the chrysalis last week.
Muscle-testing everything.
I forget this all the time, that it’s such a shortcut to listening.
Everything is easier when your body can tell you what you already want.
As Bryan puts it: Instead of deciding, just honor the decisions your body has already made.
This is my biggest challenge, but this week went a little better.
Tramp tramp tramp tramp.
Back to the bouncing, and it helps.
Of course! Garlands!
The answer to EVERYTHING this week was garlands!
And each time I’d get completely tangled up in how to solve a problem, but then the answer would reveal itself.
It was garlands. Every single time. Apparently you can solve anything with a garland. That was useful to know.
I understood something I thought I already knew.
Thanks to Shiva Nata, I got to relearn something important in a deep, visceral, full-body-knowing kind of way.
This is a really, really, really big deal.
Help from Ath.
She’s the best.
New Playground is starting to really come together.
Now that the columns are painted, it feels like home.
Hey, everything is better than last year.
Thank you, systems. Thank you, sovereignty. Thank you, containers. Thank you, having learned a bunch of stuff the hard way.
This Monday is Rally (Rally!)
Yay! Everything is better when it’s Rally.
Thank you.
Thank you, Gwen, Shannon and Eve for gorgeous fabrics.
Thank you, Pearl, for the wonderful book — the Playground loves it. And thanks Annaliese for the just-right stickers!
Thank you, Cynthia, for being so helpful and giving me lots of useful ideas about production.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is from Philly and they’re called:
The Just Right Stickers
It’s bluegrass-swing with some unexpected accordion action.
Though, as it turns out, the band is really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
- Come to a Rally (Rally!) and change how you approach every single thing that happens in your life so that it’s more fun, more doable/ meaningful/accessible/pleasurable/sustainable. The 2012 Rallies are mostly sold out, but there are a few openings for May, June and September.
- The monster manual & coloring book solved most of my problems this week. Highly recommended
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Oh my goodness what a week what a week.
All sorts of love to you, Havi.
Ouch Hard:
– Being stranded in the middle of an industrial wasteland after 8 pm by a real estate agent who refused to drive us back to our house, even though I didn’t bring my wallet or subway card with me, and the Lovelyman had forgotten his wallet.
– Being in the middle of a diabetic blood sugar crash when the above happened.
– Seeing 5 terrible apartments.
– Having other apartmentpeople not get back to us.
– All week I have been deep in the throes of Spacemess, and the emotional Stuff attached to it.
– All Space issues here from the past 2 weeks’ Chickens (ceiling, oven) still broken.
– Workstuff Like Everest. Silent – or maybe sigh-ful – retreat on details.
– Too many ongoing body illness, pains, allergies and awkwardnesses.
– A seed I wanted to plant has to wait.
– Still no vacation for Violet.
– So have been hankering for vacations I can’t afford. Puerto Vallarta… *sigh*
– I have the Not Enough Time monsters representing. Scientific study & coloring & interviews not helping. Working on it.
Whee Good Woofs Woofs:
* FLOOP! Silent retreat there x2, but I’ve been hugging myself with delight.
* Workstuff allies. Silent retreat on that x3.
* Lovelyman’s ringworm is going away.
* Planning an Overwhelm Ball tonight. Even have the prosecco stashed in the fridge. 😉
* Pinterest! Starting to record my wants on a single-item level makes a difference.
* Coming up with characters for my “Back to…” unstuffing. Baktuus, I think. I am trying to draw them. Fun!
Loads of support and love and tenderness towards everyone about to post and their goods and hards. Mwahs to all who want them, and respect and joy to all others.
Tramping sounds like so much fun! Wish there were some place I could do that around here…
This week’s hard:
– Extra-super-sucky: Losing a contact down the drain last weekend, at the beginning of a crazy insane over-the-top busy workweek. They’re GP contacts and extra-super-strong, so I can’t just grab another off the shelf. My last appointment was four years ago, though, so had to have a new appointment for a new prescription, and they couldn’t get me in until Wednesday. And my doctor moved to another (out of reasonable driving range) office, so a new doctor. (My monsters don’t like unknown doctors.) And I have a backup, but it’s like ten years old and way blurry and uncomfortable and thus unwearable, even after a special trip during crazy busy week to have them polish and clean it and try to make it wearable. And now it’s another week or so before the new contact comes in. In the meantime, I’m wearing coke bottle glasses and feel like my dopey seventh-grade self and have no peripheral vision and doesn’t that make driving interesting, especially when coupled with no sunglasses during the more glorious mid-March super-sunshine weather. SUCK. SUCK. SUCK.
– In the early stages of Lost Contact Drama, delightful husband took apart the drain thingy to see if the contact was recoverable (it wasn’t). We discovered post-reassembly leakage the next morning, after water got all over everything I store under the sink. Which is a *lot* of stuff. For the record, the leakage wasn’t caused by delightful husband; rather, the process of messing with the pipes revealed more Former Owner Stupidity(TM), which, as usual, led to yet another plumber call. I am on a first-name basis with my plumber, his helpers, and his office manager. While they are very nice, very helpful people, it can’t be good that they greet me with “what happened *this* time?”
– Um, yeah. Busy. Busy-busy-busy-busy-busy. Lots and lots of work to accomplish.
– Of course, I outsmarted myself and put down my ideal deadline as the real deadline for one of the books I’m working on, then forgot that I did that, so knocked myself out with working late last night and extra-early this morning to get it turned in this morning, and only after all that rush-rush and scramble did I realize it’s not really due until Monday, so the rush-rush and scramble was unnecessary. Duh.
This week’s good:
– Even with all the crazy, I did not have to cancel either the lunch or the dinner I had planned with friends this week, and I still managed to stay on track with walking. And I’m exactly where I need to be with work.
– Hellebores and other delights in the garden, including the first narcissus opening this afternoon. Hellebores = totally worth the investment.
– Related: 70+ degrees. In March. In Cleveland. Open windows, hamburgers on the grill, walks outside instead of at the gym. Thunderstorms. Itty-bitty leaves popping out on the bushes and trees outside my windows. (Burning desire to remove the driveway markers, but I know that will lead to an instant 18-inch blizzard smackdown by Mother Nature, so I’m holding out for at least April 1. If not April 15.)
Yikes, that was a long one! Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
Friday already? This week seems to have snuck in and out ninja style!
The hard:
Silent retreat!
Hello weird hormonalness. Look at you being all weird. And my legs all over bruises. And the strange moments of no energy. And not being sure what you are doing.
Not sleeping well last night.
Someone being in their stuff – very loudly and with zero self awareness – setting off lots of other people’s stuff at a thing I was at last night. Even though there were good parts, the whole thing was a lot less enjoyable than normal.
The good:
So much writing and scribbling and epiphanies as I’m creating lots of new copy for my website.
Sharing a video on my blog that was not 100% perfect and it being totally OK.
Then waking up on Wednesday with such an urge to create my own permission slips. I did and it was fabulous, and I’ve uploaded copies that people can play with too. Whee!
Emails from one of my favourite people.
A really intriguing + powerful session with Amy Oscar. And really loving her Soul Calling class. So glad I followed my nose on this one.
A beautiful walk along the beach yesterday, when it was all warm and hazy.
The sweetness and adorableness of my kitties.
Ooo, I’m sure there are many other goods that I’m forgetting right now in my sleepiness.
Wishing you all beautiful weeks.
Hello, Chickens!
The Hard
– So busy! Working every day! Tired. Not doing other things I want/need to do do. Not feeling like I have time to work on my thing, then feeling guilty about that.
– Sad that winter is over! 🙁 I absolutely love winter! And I felt like I barely even got to experience it this year! And I bought a pretty new coat for the first time in like ten years, and I barely got a chance to wear it!
The Good!
– Spring is lovely! Walks outside! Lunch in the park! Skirts & flip-flops! Opening the window! Which means my cat is back to sitting in the window and making friends with all the neighbors and kids and dogs!
– All the work this week has been fun! And it means I’m making money, which is a good thing!
– Discovered a new cafe that I love! Called Bourgeois Pig, ha! I want to spend more time here! Good coffee, yummy sandwiches (named after books! I loved The Secret Garden!), and it seems like a perfect place to sit and work on my thing!
– Checking out a guidebook to New Orleans from the library and getting excited about my trip there on Monday! Yay anticipation! 🙂
Chickening! This time, not a haiku! This week took FOREVER.
The hard
+ Bah! Emotions! Hormones! I hate being a woman!
+ Digestion. It is difficult.
+ Chemically altered states of consciousness. But not the fun kind.
+ Watching massive quantities of perfectly fresh guacamole get thrown out at the end of the day at the restaurant. BREAKS MY HEART.
+ Other heartbreaks. Actual heartbreaks. A big one and lots of mini ones. Even though I found out that heartbreaks don’t exist and everything was better, but still, while I was in it, it was hard.
+ Seed planting tomorrow. This is a good thing but I am stressed out and nervous and procrastinate-y about it.
+ Things being hard, sleep getting effed up, and bailing on my breakfast date.
The good
+ My roomies and I are in roomie-love! It is unbelievably fantastic.
+ Random people who stop me on the streets to tell me how much they love my hair.
+ Being able to write again! Finding my feet! And my root! Wheeee!!
+ Seed planting tomorrow! with lovely people! It will be magical! Yayyyyy.
+ I found this cool way to dip into wordlessness. I’m having tons of fun playing with it. You pretend that you don’t have access to any verbal capacity. Like, pretend you’re unable to have any thoughts containing words. It instantly grounds you and you see and perceive everything with the most wondrous baby-mind. (socks! soft! tree! except I’m not saying them with words but just perceiving.) I’m going to write about this later but I’m so excited about it that I’m writing about it now, yay yay yay!
+ You know what’s awesome? Friends. All different kinds of friends who are wonderful.
+ You know what else is awesome? Internal processes — the kinds I learned here and elsewhere.
+ New clients! I think! Yay!
+ Getting past some giant stucks with the superpower of Assuming Good Intentions.
+ Being able to forgive myself and give myself time. Spaciousness!
I am so happy to be back chickening! cluck cluck!
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– The busy-ness that come with midterms … there is a stack of papers I need to grade plus I’ve got a conference presentation to write plus a million other things
– schleeeepy fog from DST beginning
– feeling run down in general
The Good:
– Be-U-ti-ful weather!
– getting some clarity on what my ideal career looks like
– finally hanging up some art on my walls
Hello, everyone!
The Hard:
The week after the spring time change always scrambles me. But I did recognize that pattern, so tried to move slowly this week.
There was a conversation. And while it ended up ok, I think, it was so very hard.
Someone we’ve been working with to help manage a colony of cats has decided suddenly that they all have to go. Right away. Argh. Huge frustration.
The Good:
Baby steps on a tiny sweet thing. Super wonderful.
Clarity on the overarching project/mindset/thing. Ok, maybe not a ton of clarity, but I’ll take what I can get.
Date fixed for our fundraiser this summer, so I can move on with the rest of things.
Lots more stretching this week, and much less pain.
Possible solutions to the cat issue have occurred.
Green tops are sticking up in the bulb bed! (even if I thought I moved them all from there… oh well!)
Happy Friday Chicken! I’m happy to be here, sitting in my tiny sunbeam and thinking back to the week that was.
The hard
Weather and power-related weirdness causing schedule weirdness with work and daycare. Boo.
The therapy appointment that was hard by itself, unearthed monsters afterward, and feels painfully raw still.
The videoclips at a lecture I went to. Even with warnings and a forcefield and a special calming technique it was still like withstanding a fierce windstorm and trying to hold still. Hard hard hard. And being unwilling to leave the room even though the lecturer specifically gave space for people to do so: hard hard hard.
Zombie Monday. Yep.
Lost and scared feelings when I thought I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Being in a stuck pattern about something: avoidance, avoidance, avoidance. Knowing I’m doing it, which is the first step, but not ready yet to move forward or get out of the stuck. And the worst of it is all the loneliness that’s a part of it.
My laptop hard drive at work died this morning. Still waiting to hear back from the wizards. Meanwhile, lots of rerouting of processes in order to get work done with minimal hair-tearing.
My friend is in terrible pain. Other people are in pain too and it is stirring up my stuff to not give advice and try to fix things.
Rain rain rain. I’m ready for some more brightness.
The Good!!
Figuring out where to go at the moment I felt lost.
Figuring some other things out: sleuthing and the continued mapping of a pattern that likes to sneakily transform itself. Learning things about it!
Having protections and secret self-signals for building safety in a scared moment.
A new book from the library!
Good meetings, all weeks. Feeling helpful and in my forcefield.
Humming songs all the time…happy songs and daring adventure songs. Songs as a way of processing or entering/exiting.
Also a new song about sharing! Ostensibly for my toddler but also for my own brain, it ends with this silly line: Even when we’re sad, even when we’re mad, even when we’re tired confused unhappy frustrated thirsty hungry stubborn waaaahhhhhh…that’s when we share with our friends (doop doop). The (doop doop) sound at the end is very important.
Figuring out new ways to be with the broken hard drive situation while also making space to mope about how much it sucks = progress!
New pants! Swashbuckling pants!!
Starting to adjust to the fact that it’s still a little bit light out when we eat dinner.
.
Happy chickening, y’all!
Haven’t chickened in a while. Quickly:
Hard:
-Sick and getting-over-being-sick making things hard. And slow. And not-easy. It felt like I was juuuuust getting up to speed and zooming along happily, then ran smack into a well. Bleh.
-Relatedly, sleep schedule is all default-pattern-y again :/
Good:
-Someone very important to me is moving to my city!
-A good friend is joining my company!
-Commission client was very understanding of me pushing my deadline back because of being sick. She really is the best customer EVAR.
-Finished a thing at work. Yay, being finished.
-New York trip this weekend! I plan to nap and cuddle and eat froofy pastries a lot. Maybe take a walk in a park.
-And also! Seed planting! *waves to Simone*
-Knitting! A hat that looks like a cannele! Starting a new shawl that will look like the ocean!
Have a lovely weekend, everyone 🙂
Chicken, you sweetie!
The good (first time I am listing this first!):
+ Oh so warm Maryland weather. Green that is greener. Bloomish trees. Bulbs up. Winter-surviving plants noticing Spring-is-actually-here!
+ Finally got my way-overgrown (above the roof line) holly drastically pruned, just before my townhouse neighbor’s house goes on sale. The holly looks weird (flat topped) but it will fill in and I will be able to handle the top prune properly in future. (Note: never let your builder put in an American Holly as a foundation planting.)
+ Making more space in basement for storage by replacing smaller shelf units with larger ones.
+ Huge amounts of declutter work done in living room. Sorted many [dreaded-tax-related] papers for bookkeeper. Keeping momentum! Wowie-wowie! This is undoubtedly related to phone work sessions with my organizer, with Jennifer Hoffman (InspsiredHomeOffice.com], and of course to FLOOP Joy!
The hard:
– Some of the papers are for my Mom’s taxes/estate. Plus filing involves some of the files from after my Dad died a decade ago. Sadness about some of these memories.
– Not getting to do enough yard work after the tree prune. I got started, but the paperwork had to take priority this week.
Happy weekend to you, Havi, and all the Chickeneers!
@Risa: I’m grrrrrrowling at that agent. Blood sugar crashes are So Not Fun without being stranded in the mix.
@Lori: Yikes to the plumbing, YAY to work being where you wants it.
@Jane: Yay kitties! Yay permission slips!
@Kate: Sounds like my kind of cafe. April in NOLA will be wonderful.
@Simone: sending sunshiney thoughts for the seed planting.
@Katie Hart: Yay to art on walls!
@Corie Weaver: grinning at the green tops. Those rogue plants…! 🙂
@Jesse: yay to swashbuckling pants!
🙂
@Riv: Hope you feel better soon, and yay to time in New York!
(Yes, I am full of yays at the moment. More on that in a minute…)
@SueT: I hear you. My mother died four years ago as of St. Patrick’s Day, and I was the executor. Hugs if you want them.
Oh, what a week. (Cue multiple intonations of that phrase.)
Hard:
* St. Patrick’s Day is tomorrow. I don’t want to be the ghoul at the gatherings, but it’s not a happy anniversary for me and right now I kind of want to punch anyone even indirectly and well-meaningly pushing me into getting festive.
* Feeling slapped by flipflops — things that I recognize weren’t really shoes, but they stung where they landed anyway.
* Dread of various things not working out / expectations going unmet. Nightmares triggered by same. (Seriously, subconscious, raccoons and dead-yet-twitching rats and a flooded garage? I’ll take it over the failing-college-classes dreams, but still…)
Good:
* Carload of clobber redistributed to store and charity.
* The PDF and Kindle versions of of my poetry chapbook went on sale. WHEEYAY!
* Chipotle peppers in adobo sauce. Nom nom nom.
* Hiking partner and I finished our loop around the lake before the buckets of rain and bolts of lightning whomped down.
* Tulips and daffodils and darling doggies!
Wishing everyone comfort and rest and fun, in the measures desired.
Friday! Oh, it’s Friday.
The Hard:
– My space is a mess. And it’s constantly bothering me. And then I get so bothered I can’t clean it.
– Also, we want to move. But nothing’s happening with that. But nothing’s happening with where we live now either. I would like some clarity. And for something to shift for the better.
– DREADING a trip we’re taking next week. And the gentleman friend seems to think it’s a trip about going out to bars with friends and playing lots of video games, and I think it’s a trip to talk to several important healers and somehow I’m not perceiving any coming together of our separate plans. At this point it just looks like one giant panic attack to me.
– Wanting to be done. Why is there so much left? I’m so tired.
– Sick. Baby-sick and not-baby sick and the awful thing that is a fever in the first trimester. Also, now I get migraines. All the time.
– People telling me what to do, and how much stuff I have about it, and how much I am *in* my stuff about it, and how much that hurts.
– I really didn’t like the midwife we met with. And now we need to meet with more. And the one we like the best doesn’t have an opening until April.
– Blargh. I silent retreat on the sorry rest of it.
The Good!
– Someone sent us the cutest little Thanksgiving-themed onesie and I almost *died*. Baby clothes! We have baby clothes!
– Yoga! I only got to go once, and I just lie there crying and yawning for most of it, but it made everything better.
– Sunshine, when there was sunshine. And snow, when there was snow.
– Thank goodness I have a fantasy series I can stand to read and thank goodness it’s taking me so long to get through it. Significantly less boredom, thanks to Song of Ice and Fire.
– I wrote the thing I wanted to write! About how April is going to be the month of making money doing what you love! And then I wrote a bunch more about that too! I’m so excited!
– Cheeseburgers. They are the best.
Friday! Wasn’t taken by surprise this time. Perhaps it means I was more present this week? Hmm, let’s see.
The hard:
– Still no job. No mental-state to apply for job. Fear. Frustration. Exhaustion.
– No place for the summer yet either.
– Feeling the incongruousness of the place I’m living in now very keenly. Would like to leave *now*.
– Locked myself out of my room, with my wallet and keys on the other side. Was not able to tell friend that I did not want to waste time trying to pick the lock. Was not able to communicate my frustration and stress.
– Birthday. Not able to process it yet. Feeling forced into cheerfulness when I really just missed Bunny. Communicated my desire to not celebrate with people, but was pulled into the celebration anyways. Didn’t have time to think of a ritual to honour Bunny and her absence, and now the day is over. Perhaps I can still do something…
– Not-enough-sleep happening too often.
– Did not make a lot of progress on school stuff.
– Pain. So much of it. Too tired to do anything but say “hello, pain.”
– Skipping meals/old patterns for dealing with pain still functioning while new ones take hold.
The good:
– noticed the Efficiency Monster. Sounds something like: I will go there, then start X, while X is happening I will do Y, then finish X while doing Z. Next I will do etc. etc. etc. Efficiency Monster needs to be told that there is enough time, and that piling things on top of things does not work.
– Realized that when I am stuck, like really truly stone-statue stuck, it usually means I need something different, and if I pause for a minute (or five) and listen/think of just-one-thing I would like to do in that moment, I can figure out what I need. This is mind-freakin-blowingly awesome. Just sayin’.
– Friend gifted me summer shoes for birthday.
– Praise/acknowledgement from Guardian’s friend.
– Spoke to bff. She is doing better. Was able to help/support her in a way that she asked for.
– Keeping to workout schedule.
– Was asked to help another friend and was able to honor her ask. I am liking the sovereignty I’m learning to bring to my helping interactions.
oh the hard
the hard feeling terrible sadness and loss and it being overwhelming and the monsters that tell me I will never get over this and the monsters that don’t want to believe I will.
tears , many. so my head hurts. even after all this time.
and being behind myself running to catch up daily. (hey wait for me)
the good
seeing epiphanies around I change not he who left, knowing I will change. people do. a sort of golden light around that.
and some of the right kind of work coming my way as if the vessel which is my life IS changing direction.
and my friends. and my children and my family . and busy (monsters tutting no time and you will get tired and other such stuff) busy me but with much good stuff. and being as sovereign as I can and watching my mother being sovereign and glad that she brought me up. and seeing a friend behave with such dignity. I was breathless .
Last week’s hard overlapped into this week and created new hard stuff.
MrB was in the hospital last week; he was discharged Saturday but returned to the ER with a new problem on Sunday and was rehospitalized. It took five different people a dozen tries to get an IV started.
When he was discharged on Tuesday, there were a host of new problems. We’re trying to increase his activity level and participation in physical, occupational, and recreational therapies while staying off his feet, with his feet elevated.
The drugstore put me off for two days about his antibiotic prescription, saying that they would get it in *tomorrow* before telling me that they can’t even order it — for reasons they declined to explain. It was near the end of the day and if it weren’t for one of the office nurses at the clinic, we still wouldn’t have it. Grrrr!
I’m still upset over the risk to his health, and the possibility of another resistant infection setting in. He almost died last year.
They also told me a problem with the credit card number in their records had been fixed but it hadn’t been and it caused me problems yet again, and when I complained about it, the girl — okay, young female pharmacy tech — was disrespectful. I am that close, THAT CLOSE, to moving all of our several thousand dollars’ worth of prescriptions to another pharmacy.
The Boomerang Boy was almost admitted to the psych ward. His constant phone calls with his birth mother and his wife seem to have helped him cope with his crisis (which is a good thing because I wasn’t able to) but he spends all his time either on the phone or sleeping and isn’t helping me at all.
He’s just here, in the way. Literally. I keep tripping over his feet.
People lie about hospital visiting. “If I had known,” they say. but when I let them know, they have excuses.
All of my physical problems have been aggravated by stress, lack of sleep, and physical strain from things like pushing the wheelchair up steep ramps.
Was there ANY good this week? There was:
The office nurse at the clinic who helped get the antibiotic re-ordered so I could get it.
The nursing specialists who have been helping with all of the after care issues.
MrB’s team of doctors are just awesome. One is universally known as “one of the good guys”. One is often called an “arrogant SOB” but he has never been that way with us and he has basically kept my husband alive.
Beautiful warm weather, with flowers. If there had been snow and ice on the ground this week, it’s doubtful that I could have safely taken MrB to any of his appointments.
My classes. They’re my “anxiety-free zone.” While I’m teaching, that’s my focus and I get to set aside the other stuff, however worrisome.
The Floop. I processed some of this on the Floating Playground.
My husband. In spite of the problems, he’s fun to have around.
Wishing everyone well for the weekend and the coming week. Stay well or get well.
Howdy, Chickeneers!
Friday. Really? Friday?
Ok then. The Hard: traveling. Traveling while vividly sick.
And a shoe. Very unintentional shoe, but jeepers! Manage your own stuff, people! Not mine.
The Good: took a silent retreat that made space for someone else in an unexpected and beautiful way.
And remembered to nap, force field, and take silent retreats.
Ahhh. Love and respect to all!
Oh, Havi,
You have given me gifts that have helped with some very scary things for me!
I find it so much easier to be kind to future me when I make decisions about what to do right now. Who would want to do anything that limits her choices? I find myself stopping before finishing the last cookie so she’ll have one later. I’ve never been able to do that without a lot of monster talk in my head.
I also had to be very brave setting a boundary with a doctor but was so upset later because of the monster chatter I couldn’t sleep, until I thought about the Story of What Happened and realized I was the Hero of the Story. I got up and had two fig bars [wheat-free, so that Future Me would not have a tummy ache] with a birthday candle on top to celebrate.
I am SO grateful for YOU and the wonderful gifts you share with your readers.
Thank you.
Quick Chicken tonight.
Hard:
–On Saturday, I went into NYC for an audition. And waited. In line. Outside. For three and a half hours. And, while goodness knows the weather could have been much worse than it was, my fingers still got chilled, and my back ached, and my hips ached, and my feet ached.
–And then I didn’t get the thing I was auditioning for. That’s basically okay; this was an adventure and an experience and a Secret Mission; there was a significant part of me that didn’t even want to get the thing. Even so, the monsters were displeased, and they let me know it.
–Capacity! I was really quite unprepared for how draining the whole thing would be, and was certainly completely unprepared for the whole standing in line aspect. I was physically shaking, off and on, for hours afterward. Many hours. Twenty-four of them, give or take.
Good:
–Yay me for going on an adventure! Seriously, yay me!
–Glorious spring weather!
–Got my sweetie a really cool belated birthday present, and he was so happy.
–I’ve got a new short-term gig that will supplement my income for the next couple of months. Today was my first day, and it went beautifully. Superpowers! I have them!
A quick-chicken…
HARD: Not getting anything (it feels like) done; money short; anxiety over same. Outsider syndrome & various monster visits.
GOOD: Nutella and pretzels. Real local milk & yogurt. That book on sustainable farming & discovering permaculture. Epiphanies and stuff.
Much love, peeps. 🙂
Oh, hugs for the hard. And so glad you like the fabrics! You’re very welcome!
@Amber Your birthday candle idea is the best!
Another week! Another chicken!
Hard Stuff:
+Panic attacks. YUCK.
+itching, also yuck
+Dealing with medical stuff, doctor calling, plenty of yuck
+The emptiness that follows releasing projects
+Feeling shooshed by someone I ordinarily respect when trying to speak my mind
+Jealous [of my friend’s Space Thing]
+Pushing harder than I wish I had to push
+Overall emotional volatility
+Bewailing my missing-of-the-mark on [project Double Bubble]
+Accepting unexpected “no” responses
+fucking daylight savings aaarrrrgggghhhh
Good Stuff:
+Tea party!
+Did energywork, got paid!
+Donut nuggets!
+Did a Tarot reading for myself
+Rejoined Tarot exchange group
+Excitement about Rainbow Fiestathon Part I
+singing with my a cappella group at a retirement community!!!! singing! happy old people! awesome friends!
+skin stuff seems to be working?
+took a WALK down to the river…and my foot feels okay!
+finished my new shawl
+dragon puppets received, much rejoicing
+courage to ask for help with That Thing
+started new journal
+I get to work with SS again!! +synchronicity +art +awesome +color +creativity +exchange
@VickiB – o – o – o – o- for the Hard
The Hard
– going to a ‘best graduate job fair’ event. so many issues with getting judged. having to “get through the level” & “assure your spot in the next round” etc. I thought it could be fun but it really wasn’t.
– getting nervous about giving a worshop. related old pain to how the workshop got set up.
– @this job fair – realizing what a maze it was and how many steps there are before finding something that suits me
– always, the nerves about the next step of the phd work. realizing there are more fun jobs out there. wanting to be finished already!
The Good
+ finding one or two unexpected interesting options at the job fair. feeling proud because I went anyways. Making a few new friends.
+ giving my first “net-work-shop” & having tons of fun with it. finding someone enthusiastic with my skills.
+ visiting my little brother & loving the home he built for himself
+ spring weather. actual sunshine 🙂
Cluck
Hards
– people and their stuff and their being in their stuff and dumping their stuff on me even though they promised they wouldn’t…. And not even slightly being able to perceive how completely unreasonable and inappropriate that is. It would actually be making me laugh how moronic they’re being if I had the wherewithal. And me who believed in them enough to give it a go and narratives looping in my head around ‘getting screwed’ and ‘tricked’ and ‘betrayed’ and ‘my idiocy’ but really it’s probably just a lifetime of poor skills on their part multiplied by stress and exhaustion (endless fucking excuses), and the hopefully-endearing habit/trait/pattern on my part of believing in the power of love beyond all reason or merit.
– bureaucracy paperwork and crap and now looks like we won’t be eligible for payment we thought we were which would have been nice to know BEFORE I filled in the @&$?!&@;:”@& paperwork!!!!! Oh-my-god-what-will-I-do-for-money panic quietly brewing in the background.
– O pelvic floor, where art thou?? Getting to feel my internal workings in exquisite detail. Too much information! Also, my girls are working hard and feeling somewhat to holy mother of god kind of sore everyday. Looking forward to the new normal establishing so they’re less reactive.
– Society and the nuclear family set-up and not living in clans and villages. CRAP!!! defying evolution rarely pays.
– Tired. Nuff said.
Goods
+ Kids are championing it. Baby Bolivia eats, sleeps, grows, smiles, squawks a little from time to time but nothing that can’t be soothed. Nice. And Little Lad got a great wrap from his OT who’s been away for a couple of months and she reckons he’s made great progress, and then after a good night’s sleep my jaw was seriously on the floor when he spent three HOURS in the EVENING being happy and cooperative and PLAYING with his grandmother. !!!!!! Trust me, for my skinny little spectrum-y dude all of that is seriously fan-fucking-TASTIC. Let’s the tight grip of fear around my heart release a little bit, for a while at least.
+ freezer meals
+ sovereignty and being better at maintaining it despite high levels of general life intensity.
+ blessings
xo
Erm, it’s Sunday already?? This post has been open in a tab on my browser for 2 days!
@Mechaieh – flipflops! Totally get that! I’m borrowing this 🙂
The hard?
Busy, but not the good kind. The bussy, stressy, spending time on things I think other people think are important kind. Accompanying chorus of monsters chanting “You’ll be caught out! You are just an impostor! You didn’t deserve that teaching grade last month!”
Doing lots of complicated, boring paper work for something and then finding out that nobody cared!
Leading to neglecting the stuff that I think is important, or at least feeling that I did.
Money – not enough. Mega moster freak out.
Tree pollen – man I love spring but come on, tree pollen sneezes & wheezes? Not fun.
Fear about being away holiday. Moster mutterings about how bad it might be and that I totally can’t afford it.
The good?
Colouring in monsters. It works.
Hearing the monster chorus but still carrying on. Getting them to agree that investing my time in money creating activities is better than freaking out. Using the scientist committee to help. Finding they like ice cream and beaches!
Sunshine, trees (even with pollen!), birdsong, more tea in the garden.
Holiday! Soon!! On a real live island! Will definitely include beaches as the cottage is on one!
Sovereignty – scary to even write this down but yes, some progress.
Tiny gwish seeds are sprouting and I’m letting them germinate slowly.
I have an OOD
Sunday Morning Chicken!
The Hard:
My pink eye is back. This disturbs me. And hurts. And makes me look like I’m high.
I’m disappointed in my first 5K. I’m disappointed in my body. I’m disappointed in my perpetual singleness. I’m disappointed in a lot.
The Good:
Family visit yesterday! Small and big people that I love, time by the ocean, looking in tide pools.
I ran my first 5K! Well, walked and ran. But I finished it running.
My cat is awesome. Sometimes she puts her paw in my hand when she goes to sleep.
A day at home today, after a lot of not at home yesterday.
It seems like a lot of the bands here lately are really just one guy.
Quickly and lately
The Hard:
*I am so bloomin’ tired!
*Babbo is getting molars…we are both exhausted and edgy
*Our teeny tiny space has too much crap and I don’t have any place to put my stuff and BREATHE…it’s driving me batty!
The Good:
*Signed up for a certification course in Positive Psychology that I am so excited for in part because it includes 2 required in-residence weeks at a retreat center
*Also committed to working with a coach on some career-y stuff and I am super excited about this
*Sunday lovin’ 🙂
*The weather in my neck of the woods is amazing, and the robins are back in full force and the early spring flowers are strutting their stuff
*I jogged last week and it sucked but that was ok 🙂
Holy crow, I dont even know where to start:
The Suck:
-bad news at the gynecologist. i have to silent retreat on most of this because More Tests Are Needed and because I want to do positive outcome magic when I know what’s happening and I sure don’t nned to go talking about worsat case scenarios yet
-i was so freaked iut by this that I completely dissociated for about an hour. LIke pacing and talking in different voices for an hour
-the triggers just dont stop! the news, the tv, random comments from my husband–i am In My Stuff
-and the hosuework doesn’t end
-i made an awesome plan for my birthday this year, and Item 1 seems to have put it on the “not gonna happen list”
-really, how much disappoint am i supposed to carry before i cry. i’ve been told “domnt cry alone”. but i am alone. and i need to cry.
-the fucking headaches! i cannot fucking stand them!!!!!
the Good:
-as a result of Bad News and the dissociating, soime really good things came about:
-I got to see, in sharper focus, the parts of me that cime forward when I ask who can come to the front of the V. I have learned that the Comic is only good for the time it takes to put Leni in a safe room, that our Interlocutor is like Patsy from AbFAb only more compassionate, and the highest functioning one is incredibly capable, but cant sustain her presence for too long
-but I was able–me, an integrated me–to come out breifly and Make A Plan regarding what is the baseline support I need and how to get it. In the absence of concrete details, that alone gave me comfort
-espcially that, if all else fails, I can take care of what needs to happen my own damn self
also:
i rememebered that in the Bad Old Times I would sometimes find comfort in an image of Future Me who would show up from time to time. Was that me from now, building safe rooms for me from then? Wow.
-my tolerance for BS has hit the 0 range, and it feels fantastic to walk away
-omg the peace of tending even a sad little winter-dead garden, and how quickly we boith perked up