Why yes, I have been talking about monsters kind of a lot.
But only because I obsess over them.
And today I wanted to clear some stuff up. Because a number of people (not you guys) seem to be under the impression that I’m into slaying monsters (I’m not).
Or — and oh god this is so much worse — they think that I advocate “embracing” monsters (uh, I can’t even say “embracing” without air quotes, possibly also air italics).
A wee bit of background.
A monster = ?
A stuckness. A block. Internal (or internalized) criticism. Thought patterns. Anything you say to yourself that hurts. Sometimes called “the critic”. Bleargh.
So. Just to be clear on stuff:
Why I don’t think we should be pacifying our monsters.
I’ve never advocated this. In fact, I wrote an entire post called don’t give your monster cookies.
Pacifying is another form of avoidance. It’s basically saying “I’ll do whatever you want, just shut up so I can go on pretending you’re not there.”
What I’m trying to accomplish with talking to monsters is finding out what they need and making sure they know what I need. It’s not passive. It’s active.
And it’s not about treating the monster as a thing that has supreme power over me.
Because it’s actually about experiencing sovereignty, while still giving my fear and my stuck the legitimacy to exist (see Destuckification 101).
Why I don’t think we should be “embracing” our monsters.
First of all, because even though I’m a yoga teacher, I’m not that much of a yoga teacher it kind of makes me want to throw up.
But mostly because, in my experience, most of us aren’t ready to be all lovey-dovey shmoo shmoo with with our monsters.
So that language isn’t helpful because it triggers resistance. And when you’re in resistance, everything stays stuckified.
It is true that when you have conversations with the stuck, it invariably turns out that they’re on your side. And sometimes you even end up feeling kind of schnuggly towards them. And that’s great.
If you’re there, awesome. Embrace away. It’s just that it’s not the goal.
And I’m not going to encourage something that will just create more resistance in the people I want to help.
Why I don’t think we should be kicking the crap out of our monsters.
Because it’s violent.
Because our monsters are part of us (we created them), and being violent towards them is practicing violence on ourselves. See, yoga teacher here.
Because your monsters’ supreme monster mission is to protect you from harm and humiliation. And even if they’re doing a really crappy job of it by causing paralyzing fear … trying to destroy them doesn’t actually work.
The more you try to slay them, the louder and more insistent they get.
So instead of training them to get more creatively insidious with the ways they keep us stuck, it’s useful to stop that cycle and get them to change their approach to something that doesn’t suck so much.
What I do know that helps with monsters.
Acknowledging that they exist. And that it makes sense that they exist.
Being genuinely curious about them.
Negotiating firmly and compassionately.
Putting them to work doing something that’s actually useful.
And the most important part of all this?
Having a conscious relationship with your stuff.
Knowing what your monsters are saying and why, so you don’t have to be impressed by them.
Finding creative, intelligent ways to navigate their world, without perpetrating violence towards ourselves.
And I know this stuff not because I wrote a couple dozen posts about it but from working regularly with these techniques on my own monsters.*
* And practicing with thousands of people in my coaching and consulting practice over the past five years. Ooh, remind me to tell you about the Baptist conventioneers we freaked out at the last retreat.
The actual point (or: why do I write so much about monsters?)
What I’ve given — or tried to give — in all of my many posts about monsters is an approach.
A thoughtful, intelligent approach that’s about figuring out what you need to stay safe, as well as what your monsters need (in order for them to know that their mission of keeping you safe has not been compromised).
So that you can really have a conscious, intelligent relationship with your stuff, as well as a real sense of sanctuary when you enter into these difficult internal negotiations.
Because the approach is the important thing, as you already know if you’ve been working with this stuff.
But what I haven’t done is give actual tactics.
And now there will also be tactics.
I’ve tried to model how I talk to monsters. My conversations with walls. And stucknesses. And fog. And blocks.
Just not in any kind of organized here-is-exactly-what-to-try-when way. Until now. With (excuse me while I say squuueeeee) the Monster Manual & Coloring Book. So yeah, I made a thing. And I hope you adore it. Well, I hope your monsters do.
Because, you know, monsters love coloring books.
Comment zen.
Part 1: We all have stuff. Double especially when it comes to monsters. We tread lightly with other people’s stuff. And we take responsibility for our own stuff.
Part 2: Celebrate with me. I made a thing!
p.s. I’ve written a leetle love letter to your loudest monster on the Monster coloring book page. So let your monster know that you’re not going to read it and then just casually leave the page open …
Follow
Congrats on the Monster Manual! Looks like a growly* good time.
*not scary growling, more the harmless grr type.
.-= claire´s last post … 5 years of TTaT! =-.
Playful ways of interacting with those damn monsters. Love it – right up my street!
Congrats indeed – woo woooo!
.-= Leila Lloyd-Evelyn´s last post … Stuck? Anxious? Frustrated? Are you tired of constantly striving to achieve more? =-.
-celebrates with you- Let’s dance!
It looks like a wonderful tool for communicating with those cute, furry, fuzz-balls of doom-ness.
.-= Rose´s last post … Search For Metaphor: part iv =-.
Wow, that’s a lot of brunching going on. Congratulations on the monster colouring book, (*Happy Thing Day Dance*) and good luck with the brunchifying of doom. And the hattery.
The monster illustrations look, um, very cute, actually. You don’t say who illustrated them, was it Mr Sparkypants? :3
Wow, that’s really cool. And I’m getting slightly anxious just thinking about it. Hm.
.-= Anna-Liza´s last post … Pollyanna Looks to the Bright Side =-.
I’d also love to know who illustrated these! I kind of wanted a sneak peek too, but no matter! I ordered them anyway. Am very excited to receive my (monster’s) coloring books. I so appreciate your creative tools/strategies, Havi!
Apparently one of my monsters loves collage – the kind that looks like it’s a ransom note with all the letters being cut out of all different sorts of stuff.
He doesn’t spell very well and has a lisp so I’m thinking the Monster Coloring book might just be his thing.
He just informed me we’re buying it. Because yesssh, it’s a coloring book and yesssh it’s for him dammit…
He thinks the osthmonsthererich between the buy it buttons is kinda cute and wants to know if she’s is featured prominently in the coloring book?
Anyway…
That is one huge brunch menu. Good thing most of it’s not ready yet because I want one at least of each. Eyes are much bigger than my
stomachwallet though so…Monsters do love coloring books, don’t they? Mine certainly do!
Hooray for bunches of beautiful brunches, and congratulations on this fabulous color-ific new Thing. I’m saving my tightly-budgeted shekels, and I can hardly wait to play!
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … When the going gets tough… =-.
*doing happy dance with you!*
I’m pretty sure my monsters disapprove of dancing, but they’re distracted by the coloring book right now!
This looks fantastic and I can see how SO many monsters all over the place are going to be similarly distracted by the coloring book so their people can get on with doing their awesome, cool, spectacular THINGs.
Yay for you and yay for everyone who’s going to get to play with the coloring book!
.-= Liz´s last post … Do-Overs and High-Fives….My schedule is fried! =-.
Love your Monster Coloring Book and am Completely. Blown. Away. by all your Fun-Brewing.
Excited for you, the Playground & your People.
(Possibly the most Capital Letters in any comment I’ve ever written. But hey, you deserve them. And exclamation points !!!!)
.-= Mahala Mazerov´s last post … Develop Self Compassion: Meditation instructions for working with the breath =-.
I loooooove the monster manual and COLORING BOOK! Coloring books are my new favorite way to work on things – I have my anatomy coloring book for massage school, my mandala coloring book for taking a break, and now I’m so excited to get a monster coloring book for talking to my monsters. The whole fun-brewing is so exciting, yay for you Havi!
Wheeeee, a thing! It’s so pretty! And with a love letter! Yaaaay! *dancedancedancedance*
Oh, YAY! Happy dances, toasts, and fabulous celebratory accessories all around!
It’s so great to have people who get it to share in the excitement.
@emilylime – ooh a mandala coloring book. I’m going to have to get one of those. I am picturing you with an entire coloring book library. Awesome.
@Mahala – Capital Letters! Of Doom! I mean, of Bliss! Thanks, my dear. That is super sweet. Appreciated. Greatly.
(See? I can’t stop capitalizing either, it’s that kind of day.)
@Liz – dancing with you while our monsters are distracted. Or while they’re dancing the monster jig of doom over their coloring books. That works too. (!)
@Kat – kisses. Thank you!
@LaShae – Can’t stop giggling now — I’m cracking up picturing the lisping ransom notes. And thank you for the word osthmonsthererich because that is GREAT. Yes, she gets a whole centerfold (well, page) in the coloring book. Rawr!
@Dawn + Willie – thanks! Appreciated.
The gorgeous illustrations are by @richardmiller who does ALL my design work but I’ve gotten super possessive and don’t really let him have other clients anymore. 🙂
@Anna-Liza – aw sending tea for the anxieties, sweetie! I’m appreciating the way you’re noticing your reactions, that seems proof to me that you get how this whole interacting-with-monsters-and-internal-sensations thing works. Hug.
@rose + Leila + claire + beth and sarah beth – oh thank you thank you thank you thank you. Growling and dancing and joyfulness and toasts and love all welcome. MWAH!
That’s awesome.
Thanks for sharing this! It’s interesting how different words have such strong meanings for different people. I do choose to use the word embrace in regard to the critic (I don’t call it a “monster” because I think that if I’m working through a process of accepting and loving all parts of myself, my guess is that calling it a monster, gremlin, etc., won’t help–after all, if someone I were in conflict with were calling me a “monster” I wouldn’t exactly feel great about interacting with them). But interestingly, if someone asked me to describe what ’embrace’ meant, it would all fall into the category of what you titled “What I Know Works.” In particular, setting firm boundaries!
This is so smart. You are made of remarkable gifts, Havi. Thank you for sharing them.
Signed, a beloved lurker 🙂
You made a thing! A totally celebration-worthy thing! Yaaaaay! *happy (dork) dancing with you*
And the note about the Baptist conventioneers we freaked out at the last retreat? Made me laugh out loud, and I’m still having fits of giggles over it! 🙂
.-= Josiane´s last post … Middle of the night musings =-.
Know what I love the most about this?
That you somehow managed to convince your own Monsters to let you make a coloring book . And sell it. That is some amazingly tasty proof-pudding right there!
I am *so* buying this, even though my very own monsters side-show freaks are looking at me sideways because of it. They can just do a few extra shows to earn the money, or something.
.-= Tori Deaux´s last post … A Trip To The Circus, Courtesy of Mighty Metaphor Mouse! =-.
This is so exciting and marvelous. My monsters are sharpening all my colored pencils now in preparation for the blessed event. (They love sharpening pencils!)
.-= Kelly Parkinson´s last post … What Would Jillian Michaels Do—About Your Sales Page? =-.
What a great post! Found my way here through a Twitter link and I’m so excited to hear someone else discuss “embracing” the inner monsters. I’ve been painting a bunch of magical cephalopods lately with that sort of thing in mind. My monsters have totally become my friends and that rocks 🙂
Havi-
I think this is going to help a lot of people!
Question-
What if my monsters are saying different things than your monsters?
Is there an all-purpose monster approach?
much love to you!
Bridget
.-= Bridget´s last post … Drum-roll? Please? The Voila! Centering Ritual Kit =-.
Hey Darling,
Thanks for the great post and for clarifying the difference between embracing our monsters, kicking them in the teeth and negotiating with them That negotiation thing is always the hardest but in the end so much more effective.
And YAY, YAY, YAY on creating your next new fabulous THING!! A Monster Coloring Book. How totally genius. My monsters are all KINDS of excited about that. They can’t WAIT to see if a picture of them is in the book!!
Adoring you as always…
Chris
Yay–Monsters! A Coloring Book! A Manual!
My pencil case is doing a little dance.
I’m getting a little dizzy reading about all the other great stuff coming our way too.
Congrats Havi!
.-= Dave Rowley´s last post … 6 Impossible Things: #3 The Melancholy Piano =-.
Oh squeee squeeee squeeee i can’t stop squeeeing i can’t!
.-= Heidi Fischbach´s last post … Wanted: Sweet Relief =-.
I love these monster pictures! My monsters are shocked and outraged that someone should suggest they be colored in. They prefer to remain scarily black and white, but will take ‘coloring in’ under advisement. Perhaps a putrid green, or over-the-top neon orange might work!
Squee, your Thing is here and it A Thing Of Awesomeness. With Monsters. And lots of DOOM. Honestly, you had me hooked as soon as all the doom started.
Interestingly, after I started writing about my Art School Monster and discovered that his name is Bernard, he’s been a lot better behaved. Turns out that monsters think it’s frightfully rude if you swear at them and tell them to go away, especially when you don’t even ask their name. Who knew? Oh wait, Havi and Selma knew. 😉
Bernard also says to tell everyone that some monsters don’t like to hug, so that’s why embracing them doesn’t always work. He allows that some monsters might like to cuddle but he is not one of those kind of monsters. I haven’t found out what he does like yet but we’re going to be working on it together. With a colouring book. Yay. Then we’re going to go exploring in my haunted castle and find the other monsters and have a chat with them.
.-= Kirsty Hall´s last post … 7 Ways To Evaluate Art Sites =-.
*happy dance*
The colouring book! of Doom!
*happy dance*
Happy brunching, Havi! Off to find my plastic money and pencils now…
Oh, honey! I’m so thrilled for you!
So exciting! I’m loving the idea of a monster colouring book (note the U! :P) and of the manual-ey stuff that’s going with it.
Love you! *mwah*
.-= Lucy Viret (aka randomling)´s last post … Breaking through the wall. =-.
Congratulations and very heartfelt thanks.
In pondering this post and whether or not I had monsters, one showed himself to me. My “You’re a Ph.D. Economist Not a Hippie” monster has made himself known. I didn’t even know he existed.
Interesting.
He’s not too thrilled with you though, Havi. I think he was happier being incognito. Perhaps some coloring will change things. I suppose I could color him in camo, to help him blend in with his surroundings. At least now I know he is there. Perhaps he would like to be a special spy for me?
.-= Katie (Sauer) Hart´s last post … Selling the Dismal Science: Part 1 =-.
Congrats on finishing your Thing! Very, very exciting!
I can’t wait for it to arrive! My monsters are more reserved of course . . .especially my why-can’t-you-just-do-stuff-the-normal-way monster who is currently very digusted and being snarky . . . but what’s new, right?!
I suppose he’ll just need some time to adjust. Or maybe I’ll have to draw a big tu-tu on him. With pink tights. And a parasol . . . I’m all giddy just thinking about it!
Thank you so much for this wonderful thing you made!
This is wonderful! And I’m just glad to see that we still get to enjoy your designer’s lovely work somehow. 🙂 Looks like he had a lot of fun with these monsters, they’re adorable!
Similar question to others – you have the different types of monsters, but what if our monsters are different from the ones you’ve listed? Are the things in here generic enough to work for all sorts of monsters (I think mine might be hybrids…or 2nd cousins or long-lost siblings of the ones you’ve mentioned)? Or just the ones you’ve listed?
Looking forward to the rest of the brunching fun – holey moley is that a lot of treasure hunting you’ve been doing to get all of those put together!
.-= Val´s last post … Hot Speckles glass coaster set =-.
Doom, doom, doom! Squeeeeeeel! Congratulations on brunching your Coloring Book! (And thank you to your monsters for letting you brunch it.) I want to tell them how cute they are, but fear they might be offended.
Apparently I have a monster who is horrified that I might actually have become some sort of hippie, and how on earth did I/he let that happen.
.-= Elizabeth´s last post … signs of spring =-.
Squeeeee and hooray and my monster book has been gifted me by DH who said “is this something you’re showing me or something you want?” 😀 What a great birthday present and what a great brunch!
.-= Andi´s last post … Books in Bloom =-.
Oh, wow! So ineffably cool!
I’m in the wilds of west Kerry, where broadband is but a mythical dream, so I’m going to wait to buy my copy until the weekend. But I couldn’t wait to dance and squee with you. Because this. Is. Fabulous. Yay!
My monsters are giving me funny looks, because I giggled my way through the Brunch page and I’m still grinning 🙂
.-= Lean Ni Chuilleanain´s last post … How I Feel About Marketing =-.
mazal tov, havi! this is just so wonderful–i am very excited, and must go out and get some lovely crayons!
Oh, yay and hooray, Havi, for creating up a storm this week! 🙂
Let’s have a Monster Party to celebrate the brunch of your gorgeous Monster Coloring Book! (Bring your favorite monster…) Wishing you joy, joy, joy in the midst of Monster Doom.
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Life Unfolding =-.
Mike the Goblin would like to say that, yeah, a *monster* colouring book is a sorta-okay idea but a *goblin* colouring book would be so, so much cooler. Starring himself, of course.
Fi would like to say that a monster colouring book is the most awesomest Havi idea yet, and clearly worthy of a celebratory dongle dance. Which she’s going to go do now.
Congratulations! I just ordered the Basic Package. I can’t wait till it comes out! (I also just signed up for Naomi’s money class. I am going to biggify this year, damn it!)
I used to be a Baptist, so you are going to have to tell about the Baptist conventioneers you freaked out on the last retreat. I want to hear all about it. 🙂
.-= Shawna R. B. Atteberry´s last post … Company Girl Coffee: It’s My Birthday Edition! =-.
Pink rats! This is great.
Maybe monsters who are reformed come back as allies:
Allies are small creatures who make sure that the world is always filled with beauty and interesting detail. They do everything you can imagine from ensuring that the next tissue pops up to painting spots on lilies. Just like humans, Allies get tired of working and seek out new adventures.
http://www.etsy.com/shop/BlvdOfTheAllies
@Elissa – Awww. Allies. Adorable!
@Fi – I love you. Anyone who would do a celebratory dongle dance for this (and I know you would) is a doll in my book. Big hi from me to Mike the [formerly really scary] Goblin.
@Lindsay – parasol! LOVE.
@Katie Hart — ooh, camo sounds great. I’m sure he would like to be a secret spy.
And yeah, I met a cousin of his (the What Was The Point Of Being A Brilliant Intellectual With A History Degree If You’re Just Going To Throw It All Away To Become A Hippie-Dippie Yoga Teacher monster) a few years ago. It was *very* reassured when I promised to be a thoughtful, integlligent yoga-theory person who examined things from all angles.
I also promised to maintain sarcasm, which certainly helped. 🙂
@May – cephalopods and friends! That is marvelous. I love it. It *is* much nicer when they’re on your side. Off to say Cephalopods some more!
@Lucy – ha! I have been forcibly removing the ‘u’ for annoying Americanized spelling, but when I was a child I always wrote colour with the u.
I remember (in second grade!) getting in trouble for that: had it marked “wrong” on a spelling test and had a screaming fight with the student teacher.
Obviously my dear friends Jane Austen and Charles Dickens couldn’t be WRONG. She (the teacher) refused to believe me and, if I recall correctly, my parents found the whole thing extremely entertaining and were quite proud. Anyway, imagine that I’m putting it in with invisible ink!
@Kirsty – His name is Bernard! Isn’t that lovely. I’m so glad for you. And that he’s talking to you and telling you what he needs (and doesn’t). That is absolutely brilliant. Happy!
@Lilly – (! ) Shocked and outraged! Good for them. I am so excited to see your neon monsters that I’m going to have to make you send me pictures. Awesome.
@Kate (tangokate) – MWAH! Thank you, sweetie.
@Kate (katecourageous) – Sounds like you already have an advanced practice of meeting yourself where you are and interacting with yourself with compassion, and that’s great. I’m glad.
The essence of any advanced practice — and the thing everyone here (me and my duck included), is learning to work on — is this:
Once you’ve found your way, letting others have their way too , knowing that it doesn’t diminish yours.
For Val + Bridget and anyone else who was wondering if it matters if your monsters are different than mine:
Yes! It absolutely doesn’t matter what monster you use this stuff on.
The manual is all about tactics. Tactics that embody the approach that I try to model in my posts. And these can be used on any monster, critic, gremlin, part-of-you-that-wants-to-help-but-isn’t-helping.
The examples I use are some of the monsters that have been the most common in working with clients and students, and from getting to know the commenter mice here and people at the Kitchen Table.
But really, monsters are monsters: their goal is to serve and protect, and their method is to hide from you or to worry/scare/intimidate/wonder/fake-encourage, or some variation on that.
And these techniques help you establish communication with them so they can stop being monsters. Hope that’s a slightly more helpful explanation!
xox
h