The holidays tend to trigger — in all of us — all sorts of uncomfortable stuff.
Today’s Ask Havi comes from a woman in an especially tough spot.
I will do what I can to come up with a kind of abridged survival guide to help her through this lonely time.
And if you would read her words and send her some love and affection and warmth … that would be a wonderful, beautiful thing.
Hi Havi. This is an “ask Havi” email. This is me trying to meet myself where I am and to ask for help. It’s hard!
But given that you’re a great advice-giver and have experience offering support around yoga/meditation routines, I thought I’d see.
I am grieving. The December holiday is grueling for me in so many ways. The long and short of it is my mother passed away 5 years ago a couple weeks before Dec 25. Since then, I avoid that holiday like the plague.
My father passed away a few years before her. My sister has moved to a dingy, dark single-wide trailer on a dirt road in the bowels of Maine with a husband I dislike. And traveling this time of year makes me shudder.
I moved away from the west coast and my lovely friends/family a few years ago, and I’m a poor grad student and can’t get back there this time of year. So I feel totally stuck.
My gentleman friend is away over the holidays, and I didn’t want to glum-up his holiday with my gloominess and brooding. So I’m alone (well, I have a pug dog).
My question (after that mini-life story) is what strategies would you recommend with respect to meditation/yoga to get “through” those difficult days?
I have practiced vinyasa yoga for years, so I’m experienced (whatever that means), and I have a meditation altar set up in my bedroom. I try to sit for a few minutes a day, but it’s usually in my office at work rather than at home!
Gah, sorry this is longer than I meant it to be. I was considering following the meditation mini-retreat Susan Piver lays out in How Not to be Afraid of Your Own Life, but I don’t know her from jack. I feel like I “know” you better.
Do you have any suggestions for a specific routine that would help me make a home within myself for the holidays?
Thanks as always for your fun and challenging insights!
Let’s just start with a hug.
Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry.
Sounds like you’re feeling really anxious that your sadness is going to … I want to say “devour you”, that might not be the right phrasing … to be too much for you.
So I just want you to know that we’re all here witnessing your losses and your sadness, and sending you comfort. You’ve been through a lot of hard.
And right now is where you’re really experiencing it, so you are right to ask for help.
Memories, loneliness, sadness, isolation, not knowing, a whole bunch of shoulds.
You already know what you need.
You already know what you need.
In fact, you’ve already zeroed in on the biggest point that I could make. That this is not about solving something or fixing something. That it’s about — in your own words — something that would help you “make a home within myself for the holidays.”
To help me make a home within myself.
Making a home within myself. That concept is so so beautiful. And that is exactly the point.
I had a spiritual teacher in Tel Aviv. But before she was my teacher, my friend Sivan dragged me to a lecture of hers.
I didn’t want to go. I wanted to sit around drinking tea and feeling sorry for myself, but once I realized that Sivan wasn’t going to let up, I made a wish that I’d get some sort of insight into my immigrant-trauma “I never feel at home” issues.
And the first thing this woman said was “If you don’t feel at home in yourself, you’ll never feel comfortable anywhere.”
Making a home inside yourself is big crazy deep life work. I’m not going to make any promises. I’m just glad we have a direction. So let’s see what we can do.
Time for a plan!
Here’s what you’re going to need.
- A cute pug dog. Check.
- Candles. Lots of them.
- Music that you like.
- A notebook or journal.
We have a couple of goals here.
One is pure survival. We want to get you through this slice of hard in one piece. But another goal is to begin creating the kind of rituals that will support you in the process of making this home within yourself. A support network of rituals.
Here are the rules:
- 1. If it feels loving and supportive, do it. If it doesn’t feel loving or supportive, you don’t have to.
- 2. This is your time. It’s for you. It’s for your healing-up time. You get to call the shots.
- 3. You’re allowed to ask for help.
A couple of things to consider …
Change the name.
Instead of thinking of this holiday time only in the sense of “crap, I need to keep it together”, can we rename it?
Can this be a chunk of time that you are consciously, actively taking in order to work on some of your pain by giving yourself rest and love?
Can we make this a kind of healing vacation from life? Instead of this being about abandonment and emptiness, can we also make it be a time for intentional cocooning?
Extend your practice.
You already have a strong regular yoga practice. Set a specific time for it.
Maybe you’ll want two practices a day since you’re doing this self-retreat thing. Maybe one will need to be a bit softer and the other a bit more vigorous. You’ll see.
Make sure you have music you like. Candles. Create a sanctuary.
Soften your practice.
In addition to the grounding that your yoga will be giving you, you’re going to need some extra shavasana.*
*Intentional relaxation time, for those of you who don’t do the whole yoga thing.
When things are tough — actually, before they get tough if you can catch it in time — recline on the floor and cover yourself with a bunch of blankets. Remind yourself that you are giving yourself time to breathe.
You’re giving yourself time to figure out what this new internal home is going to look like. How it’s going to feel. What you’re going to need.
Don’t force the meditation.
If you feel drawn to it or you feel like it’s helping then yes. Use it. But really, this whole week is about introspection, reflection, quietude. And it’s for you.
So no need to overdo it. No need to turn it into a should. If you’re able to sit quietly and breathe, give yourself this time. And if not, that’s fine too.
Write write write.
Get out that journal.
I’m a big fan of just scribbling it all out, but if you’d prefer some more structure, here are some “assignments” (writing prompts) that you can work with over the coming week if you’d like:
- Describe your new internal home. What does it look like? What will it look like? How does it feel to be there? How would you like to feel while you’re there?
- Write a letter to your loneliness. Tell it what you’re going to need in order to move through this. Ask it what it needs to tell you in order to start healing.
- Create a list of all the internal and external resources and sources of strength that you have available to you.
- Make a wishlist of the qualities and experiences you would like to access, receive or have in your life in the coming year.
Dance dance dance.
Turn up the music. Close the curtains. Turn off the lights. Leave a couple candles so you don’t trip over stuff.
And rock the hell out.
And don’t forget to ask for help!
Let people in on your pain. They don’t have to soak in it or anything, but they need to know that it’s there.
Tell your gentleman friend about some of what you’re going to. Does he even know that you care for him so much that you would never want to glum up anything for him?
Does he know that you might need to call him and that you might be feeling sad, but that it’s also important to you that he enjoy his holiday time?
I know it’s hard to share these things, but anyone who is going to share other parts of your life needs to know when you need extra love and support.
Maybe the perfect Christmas present from your west coast friends might just be a phone call. Ask for one. You’re allowed to say “Listen, I feel like crap and I’ll probably just cry the whole time and it won’t be any fun for you, but I’d love it if you would call because I could really use some cheering up.”
This is one of the hardest things to ask for, as we don’t want the people who love us to worry or to see how weak we’re feeling.
But really, that is what friends are for. That’s one of the reasons that we create friendships. You would totally show up to handhold and be a shoulder to cry on for any of them. Part of friendship also means asking for what you need.
From them and from yourself.
I think you’re going to be okay.
This is the hard part. You’re right there in the hard.
Every truly interesting person in this world goes through the hard. You’ll come through on the other side. And not only that, but you’ll have a safe home inside of you that you can always count on.
We’re all with you. We’re all going to be thinking of you and rooting for you and sending more love and support to your Internal Retreat.
And I’ll be giving you a copy of Emergency Calming Techniques as a Christmas present. Read the ebook later for extra destuckification. For now, just listen to one of the audio recordings every day before bed and when you wake up. And whenever else as needed.
You’re a strong, creative, thoughtful person. I can tell that just from reading your email and not knowing a single thing about you. You’re going to be okay.
Thanks to everyone else for witnessing this pain and this process.
And you know, I find it oddly reassuring that people who have never met me or even emailed still feel like they know me well enough to trust that this space — the one that we’re all making together — can actually help.
Wishing strength, comfort, love, support and whatever else you need to every single person who reads this.
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I have some experience being alone and feeling horribly alone at the holidays, and empathize with you because my wife lost her mother 10 years ago, yesterday, the day before her birthday (which is today) and 4 days before Christmas. I can see that the pain never fully goes away. But I don’t want to dwell on that. I just want to tell the reader: you’re not alone, and I send my warmest wishes and hopes and caring to you.
… plus, we have a pug named Yoda. So one more check mark for understanding.
Try putting a hat on your pug. There are few things more entertaining than a pug in a hat. 🙂
Hello from another person who is owned by pugs. (We have two, Max and Bert.)
You must be a pretty special person, as pugs don’t hang around just anyone. We’ve had some dark days recently, and Havi is right — step one is grab a pug. Get your face covered with pug-snuffle, and listen to those little rhythmic snores.
I’d also agree that the most interesting people I know are those who have had to dig their way out of some pretty deep piles of guano. (My own, personal mantra is this: “Well, life sucks right now — but at least I’m not in Billings, Montana after having just bought a brand new house and then being fired two weeks before Christmas after moving there from fifteen-hundred miles away and not knowing a soul to work for the biggest idiot in the world…”)
Listen to Havi. She has a duck.
Just to play devil’s advocate, lots of boring people go through the hard as well. One way or another, there’s hard out there to go through. I went through a different kind of hard for a while, where a lot of people decided that they were all unanimous in the opinion of me being a jerk. Part of how I got through that hard was by buying homeless people burritos. After a while I had a ton of people united in the opinion of me as a nice guy as well. I don’t know if the nice guy votes ever outnumbered the jerk votes, but I’m sure I at least broke even.
Anyway, my family got into some real holiday bickering one year and I decided I would spend my next holidays at a homeless shelter handing out soup or whatever. I never got around to it, but I’m getting a bit better organized than I used to be, so I think I will next year – either holiday volunteering, or volunteering right before/after (i.e. around the travel schedule). I bring this up because if you spend a few hours helping people, you’re going to feel good about yourself, and that always helps getting through any kind of hard.
The other thing is, grief. My grandma died a few years ago just days before Christmas. My aunt died soon after. The grief was like a hammer, more so because I didn’t know them well at all, but I knew my aunt well enough to know that I could have done things to make her life brighter and didn’t. The only thing I really know about that is that you want to take the time to get to know the people you do have left, even if their husbands totally suck, even if *they* totally suck. A) because they *also* have memories of the people you lost, including some times you’ve probably forgotten or never known about. The only way to see the people you miss again is through the eyes of someone else who knew them too. B) because they’ll be gone too, sooner or later, and it might be sooner than you. (That might be very specific to my circumstances, though, not knowing them well, etc., because my family’s pretty well spread out across the planet.)
Anyway last but not least I can’t praise hypnotherapy enough. Six years of regular therapy is one session for a skilled, well-trained hypnotist. I bought my mother a phobia cure for Christmas one year. She used to be afraid of spiders, now she isn’t. It’s that simple. Only caveat: find the good ones and only the good ones. There’s very little regulation on hypnotists so the variation in quality is very high. I recommend American Council of Hypnotist Examiners certification. They rock.
Lighting a candle for you here. May the warmth travel to where you and and comfort your soul.
Well I’m very impressed, because that was a big ask. You’re exceptionally courageous. Havi’s right (moot point – she always is); it’s very difficult to let our loved ones see how weak we’re feeling. Having just come through a pretty difficult (for me) period and letting my friends see how much I loved and needed their support, I was amazed at how great they were at being there for me – didn’t tell me off once for being miserable! I already knew I had fantastic friends, but they really are amazing.
I’m pretty much alone too through this holiday season and am *trying* to make it a concious, nurturing time for me, in spite of the house being eerily quiet. Mostly I’m just sleeping loads and cuddling my cats. It’s going great (I’m on day one)! My advice is call your friends – let them be your friends.
And hugs – BIG, BIG hugs to you through this yuckiness.
And to Havi…
And Selma (if ducks like hugs, I’m not sure)
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The Universe is sending you LOVE, LIGHT & STRENGTH my dear :):)
and of course a BIIIIIIIIIIG HUUUUUUUUUUUUUG!!!!
xoxoxoxoxo
Very moving expression of love here…THANKS all!!
For anyone feeling the blues or other emotional pain or grief, I offer a reading of the book “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle…Oprah did a whole FREE web cast about this too:
http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahsbookclub/anewearth/pkganewearthwebcast/20080130_obc_webcast_watchnow
The jist is to accept and feel the pain and try to dis-identify with the memories and story that goes with the pain.
You might also like to check out “The Work” by Byron Katie:
http://www.thework.com/index.asp
This is great recovery medicine for all kinds of “hards”.
Love & Hugs,
Yoops
I don’t have a pug (just a white, 19-pound, odd-eyed Turkish Van cat, who makes these cute little hmphh sounds when he snores), but I hear you, I REALLY hear you.
My mom dies before Christmas last year, my beloved mom-in-law died just two weeks ago, and my dad is right now in the final stages of bone cancer. The grief can be all-consuming.
Great advice from others so far. I agree with it all. We all handle it in different ways and I don’t think any of them are wrong. Some find comfort in introspection.
For me, it was healing to reach out to others. “Adopted” a family in need for Christmas through our church and delivered toys and food to their house. Helped cook and serve a holiday dinner for senior citizens. It was like I was doing something to honor my mom’s memory, something she would have said, “yes!” to.
As a faithful follower of Julia Cameron (“The Artist’s Way”), I also found journaling to be very helpful.
And, lastly, asking for help from friends, which is still difficult for me.
One thing about the Internet that is so cool is that people can instantly connect with other people who have gone or are going through the same experiences. You WILL get better! Sending you love and my best wishes.
Wow, Havi has created the most beautiful, sumptuous cocoon for you to fill with pug love, dancing, yoga, a few heartwarming phonecalls, candles, and lots of “me” time, in fact, it sounds so wonderful I want to scrap my plans with the family and come over, pile up under the blankets and sink into that deep, rich place of being okay with where things are right now. I’m totally serious. Just knowing that someone is out there having some really good “heal-up time” makes my Christmas. Much love to you and your pug! Hang in there and be kind to yourself.
Havi, I may need a post about “so someone you know is having a fabulous self-healing retreat and you have to spend your holiday with your relatives, and no one brings a duck.”
What they said. Plus food. Good food. That you like. If you hate to cook, go get some great prepared food you can warm up for yourself. Or make a big pot of stew or soup or something and some bread/biscuits so you have something hearty to eat. And maybe a big bowl of fruit, because fruit is always comforting or good for you or something. (And leafy greens. B6 deficiency can contribute to depression so extra leafy greens can’t hurt.)
You seem to be doing pretty well. At least you’ve got past the hard part of admitting what the issues are and asking for help. Hugs to you.
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That’s the dirty secret of the holidays, isn’t it? That just by putting so much focus on togetherness, they can leave us feeling so lonely.
For me, it’s all about expectations. Which I guess is another way to what Havi was talking about when she was “rebranding” (sorry – perennial marketing-speak!) your holiday.
Instead of having “perfect holiday” expectations, I try to really not expect anything, but to know that I will be ok. I try to be open to being surprised and pleased more than surprised and disappointed.
I love “being home within myself” – I just never knew what to call it until you gave me that gift.
It took a lot of loss (my only full sister and her two kids all died in a fire five years ago last week), a lot of courage (telling my trusted friends what had happened and letting them help me), and a lot of trust (that I could and would survive, that the universe loves me, that I am worthy of joy as well as sorrow) to bring me to a home within myself.
I want to say I wouldn’t give them up – but if someone offered me my sister for my peace, I probably would give it up in a heartbeat.
Anyway, that’s not where I wanted to go with that. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, to thank you for your beautiful phrase, and to wish you peace.
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Lots of love and warmth and blessings of connection to you, my dear. May this year bring you home to your heart, and to the right people who share it with you.
And for you, sweet Havi, who ARE warmth and love and blessing . . . a loving hug and grateful thanks always for your shining presence.
Hiro
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It’s now almost two years that my husband died. I was really afraid how I would get through last year’s Christmas holidays – being alone for the first time after 30 years of living together. I really sat down and planned what I would like to do: read, take walks, go to exhibitions and the like. And then in the evening I sat down and described the day in my journal: how did I feel, what did I enjoy, and so on. I then noticed that I could do it. Of course there were periods of feeling sad, but there also were some days I really enjoyed. This year I am not afraid anymore; I know that there will be activities to enjoy and periods of sadness.
I am sending my hugs over from Berlin!
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What a beautiful sharing of tender heart. And Havi, what a tender thoughtful response. I couldn’t express it better myself.
What I can contribute is what helps me in lonliness is to allow space for the dark side of my moon. Once I began to regard the dark, tender and very vulnerable sides of life as the womb of creation, like a pregnant mother expecting her child, it helped me alot.
Instead of being afraid of the dark, I began to surrender to it. What I have discovered (and continue to) is a soft, nourishing space.
It is winter. Time for cave dwelling. Retreating, spending time in hibernation. Perhaps when you are journaling about creating your inner home, you can also reflect upon what new birth you are pregnantly awaiting.
As for music, I can definately help you. I am a composer of ancient healing and transformational music and live in the Holy land. A few weeks ago, I went to an ancient Galilee cave to record holy music for the Holiday.
It is all acoustic, 100% authentic with no edits, no sound effects, the viberberation is from the cave, and the peace doves who flew in from Jerusalem to help me out.
There is a free sampler for download at: http://www.voicesofeden.com/HolyMusic. If it soothes you, there is also a full instant downloadable holy music program.
You can see a video with pics of the cave as well – it will literally show you light at the end of the tunnel.
BTW, the motivator for my going to that cave was my own loneliness, and healing a wound of loss. This was my way to go into that cave of darkness to discover the inner home of light. So when I wrote what I wrote, I sincerely expressed it from first hand experience.
I hope you will enjoy, and find much solace and healing during the holidays. They are, after all, meant to be holy.
“…make a home within myself.”
That really IS what you (and all of us) need. It’s such a beautiful concept. I think this could really be the key to so many people’s “holiday issues.” I know I’ve got them. The holidays seem to bring out so much guilt and obligation and misplaced expectation. But if we can really develop a home within ourselves, so much of that stuff would just fall away.
Clarity and hugs to you during this challenging time.
@Giles – you are so right that pain visits us all equally. I think I meant more (though didn’t phrase it very well) that the experience of working through pain is so transformative that it turns you into someone with a lot more angles and facets and such.
But I don’t mean that in a “well, it builds character” sort of a way. And now I’ll stop explaining because it will just get more tangled.
And YES on a good hypnotherapist. And YES on the power of helping other hurting people.
@JoVE – FOODS! How did I forget that? You’d think I didn’t come from a long line of Jewish mothers. Yes yes yes. Soups and stews and warm things. Nourishment in all forms.
@Lisa – I’m so sorry for your hard too. Thank you for the beautiful insights and a big hug from me and everyone else.
And … guys, big hugs to all the cats, kitten, pugs, etc that were mentioned here. I don’t have pets but I LOVE other people’s so give them some love from Aunt Havi and her duck.
As an immigrant myself the making a home within myself really resonated – therapy therapy therapy !
As for the xmas stuff.What I’ve found helps is treating myself very dearly and tenderly. A really good to me from me present. As someone else put it great food. Also a good book/DVD or whatever. I think escapism is underrated. Go to the library and stock up!
And realise that you are NOT the only one – a huge number of people have a hard time with this year.
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Many hugs to you — take comfort that you aren’t alone in how you are feeling at this time of year.
Looking at your list, I feel like I have such a small reason to feel a void inside. Yet mine feels huge to me. I had to put my much beloved 16 year old Chihuahua to sleep a few months ago, and there’s such a tender lonely spot in me right now. In fact right before reading this blog post I had another one of my near daily oh-god-I-want-my-doggie-baby cries.
There’s a part of me that wishes the holidays would just go away and not bother me. But I’m hanging in there and doing those Christmastime rituals that I enjoy anyway, even though I’m prodding myself to do it.
So I can speak to the power of self-defined rituals. They are helping.
Take really good care of you — whatever that means to you — even if you don’t feel like it.
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I’m feeling so under the weather today, so I might not make any sense at all, but I just wanted to tell you, lovely Ask Havi writer, that you’re doing all the right things, that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be right now, and Havi’s right, you’re going to be okay. If it helps at all, take refuge in the fact that the holidays are rough for so many people, so you’re not at all alone. And I’m sending you many hugs, warm cups of tea, and all the best “rock the hell out” dance music in my cd cabinet. 🙂
I just wanted to join the love-in…
it sounds like your season is for healing and restoration…
and what a huge, deep, purpose that is.
Lots of love on your journey…
and to your sweet pug too 🙂
I have a little golden cairn terrier named Charlie, and he’s an instant best-friend-and-healer I could ever need. 🙂 Animals are angels…
Deepest blessings to you this healing season,
love & light,
Leonie
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First, hugs and love. Second, thanks for the “mitzvah” (in Hebrew, something like a blessing) of sharing your hurts, fears, and pain. Five 1/2 years ago my husband had a debilitating stroke. While he was still in the rehab hospital, I went to a monthly women’s group that I had started at my synagogue and shared my fears, anxieties, etc. The rabbi told me that my husband’s stroke was a mitzvah because it gave other people the opportunity to give to someone else. My first thought was to punch her in the face, but what followed was 6 months of meals 5 days a week cooked by fellow congregants, deepening friendships, demonstrations of loyalty that were life-saving, and on and on. Please do what Havi suggested by letting your friends know you’re feeling lonely and would love them to phone you. It will be your gift to them as much as to you.
Other thoughts that come to mind: go for coffee or tea to a local shop with big, deep chairs or sofas and cuddle up among strangers. You’ll probably strike up conversations that will range from fun to dumb. Serving a meal at a shelter also sounds great; when I’ve done it, it’s been an eye-opener and very fulfilling. Last, in addition to yoga/meditation, try the Dance of Shiva if you haven’t already. My son and I took Havi’s class a few years ago, and I’ve never laughed at myself so much and felt great about it. I’ve just rescued my Shiva DVD from my him, so I’ll be doing it during the holidays and thinking of you.
More hugs (but no pets) – Nancy
@Nancy – thanks for the beautiful words. I also would have wanted to punch her in the face, but I’m glad that you found help and solace and everything else you needed!
Your note made me miss Berkeley and the cafes there and our wonderful classes. Give Jeremy a hug for me.
@Gina – hug to you too! I’m sorry about your dog. Sounds like you’re needing a lot of support now too so good for you for asking for it.
All of this advice and reassurance and love is so so great.
Also … postscript … I got an email from the woman who sent the letter and she was so incredibly touched and strengthened by your wonderful words. She was amazed and overjoyed that total strangers were thinking of her and lighting candles for her and so on. So yes, a Christmas mitzvah! I love you guys.
Dearest Havi,
We love you!!! I wish you and all, a wonderful and merry xmas, ohhhh and back to you from my 5 pets too 😉
HUGS to you :):):)
Dear lonely ‘in the hard part’ lovely girl.
AT LEAST U GOT A GENTLEMAN FRIEND!!
(Not said in a ‘stop feeling sorry for yourself’ way, but in a ‘gee I wish I had a gentleman friend too’ way)
Big hug to you and look forward to lots of cuddly sex on tap when he returns.
Am sending you magical ‘deliverance from too much extra heavy heartedness’ wishes from Australia. Should reach you around Sunday midday.