Note: it is almost impossible to get on the Ask Havi list. This person got in by a. being one of my clients or students, b. flattering the hell out of my duck, and c. making life easy on me by being clear about what the question was and what details I could use.
Oh boy.
This delightfully incoherent question that I may have completely misunderstood totally made my day.
I like this person. You will too:
I kind of want to be you. I mean, I don’t want to be you (though a duck compatriot would be pretty awesome) — but I want a lot of your life.
You somehow manage to be completely insane (in a good way) and make money and everyone knows about you. But without actually like, doing all the marketing stuff that everyone else says there’s no getting out of.
I guess saying “what’s up with that” isn’t really a useful question.
But do you have some Wise And Helpful Things for someone starting out? Not motivational stuff. Most of the time I’m pretty sure I can do this. But where do I start?
Okay. I don’t know how to answer this yet. But some words of wisdom that could pass as business advice?
I’ll give it a shot.
10 possibly helpful things when you’re working on mindful biggification.
And no, I don’t always remember to do these myself. This is all wisdom gained the hard way, yes?
1. Work on your stuff.
And not just occasionally but as the main thing you do. Because:
There is no biggification without destuckification.
Well, there is but it isn’t much fun.
The biggest thing that helps you in business is a willingness to work on your stuff.
And the biggest impediment in business is internal resistance.
If you can work with the what-ifs, the doubt, the second-guessing, and the monsters, everything happens faster.
And when it does, you’ll be way better equipped to deal with it.
2. Be in your body.
Staying connected to your body makes everything easier.
You want your body to be your friend while you’re working.
Sometimes this doesn’t happen. So you come back to it again. And each time you apologize and bring it flowers and eventually it forgives you.
Yoga. Shiva Nata. Going for a walk. Legs up on the wall and breathing.
Massaging your feet. Rolling around on the floor. Putting on music and doing some Dork Dancing. Even for just a few minutes.
But movement. And stillness. With your body.
3. Learn about your patterns.
How they work. How you work when you’re in them.
The best way, in my experience, to learn about patterns and how to take them apart and build better ones is Dance of Shiva. It changes everything.
It’s also how I accidentally became a business savant. If you skip everything else on the list, do this.
4. Be as you as you can stand.
Let the wild rumpus of Deshouldifying begin!
Seriously. I know there’s crazy pressure out there to be “authentic” and “yourself” and other annoying things.
You don’t have to force anything. You don’t have to drag yourself kicking and screaming into the light.
But bring as much you-ness as you can safely handle. And take some excursions to the edge of that boundary to learn about how and when it moves.
Your people will come for the zany or for the quiet or for whatever it is that exists in your you-ness. Because they need it.
5. Trust in your Right People.
Even if you can’t see them yet, they exist.
And they will love it if you let them peek at the things you think.
Which means you don’t have to do stuff that makes you want to throw up.
Because your people, by definition, won’t like that stuff anyway. Speaking of which …
6. Don’t do stuff that feels crappy.
As a matter of principle.
Have a Dammit List. And keep adding to it.
Example:
I will never say anything motivational on Twitter, dammit. Not my style. So I don’t have to.
Makes everything easier.
7. Document the process.
Keep adding everything you learn to that big Book of You.
8. Know what your boundaries are. Even though they’ll change.
It’s a matter of being able to say: right now, in this moment, this is what I feel comfortable with.
9. Avoid being obnoxious to people who can help you.
I don’t mean that you have to suck up to anyone. Because you don’t.
It’s fine to completely avoid biggified people or colleagues who might otherwise be good connections if they don’t feel like your right people.
Just don’t be a jerk. If I have the power to tell thousands of smart, interesting people about how amazing your work is, don’t mess that up by actively convincing me that you’re someone whose work I don’t want to promote.
This should be fairly obvious, but you would not believe how often people screw this one up. Ask Sonia. Or Naomi. Build your own tower instead of trying to knock ours down.
Not that you would do that. Because you are lovely.
10. Let your people in on what’s going on behind the curtain.
In my case, this involves things like:
- talking about when things are hard and what I do when that happens.
- letting you peek at my internal process, even when it’s wacky and bizarre.
- explaining about different aspects of what I do and why and how I do it.
- doing stuff like the Fake Band of The Week in the Friday Chicken, even though it’s funny pretty much only to me.
That’s all I’ve got for now.
The things that have helped me most in business are — weirdly — mostly the ones that seemed like really bad ideas at the time.
Like dumping the noozletter because I didn’t like writing it.
Like going on email sabbatical.
Or turning down opportunities to work with super famous people because I just didn’t want to.
So I guess the real advice is more about the value of developing a sense of trust that what you need is important.
And even though you’re not always going to get things right, you’re learning about what it means to bring your you-ness into the world so that surprising, unlikely, wonderful things can happen.
Whoops. Sorry. Got motivational there for a second. Sometimes you kind of have to.
Comment zen for today.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff.
People vary. So use what you can and discard the rest. Try things.
And my wish for you is this:
May your tiny, sweet thing receive all the love and support it needs. And may you break all the rules, do some damage, laugh your head off and dance, dance, dance!
Follow
i have a tiny sweet thing, a tiny sweet thing and i haven’t had a party to celebrate all the change that is going on in my life. all the meaningful connections and random acts of kindness here and there and everwhere. Some days like now I get a little excited! woooo and weeeeeeee and ooo la laaa!
hoping to find my way to people who have lots of depth, compassion, loveliness, live in the ‘real’ world ( a little woo woo bt very solid, feet-on-the-groundedness too). Tickled pink by goofiness is a must, as is a playful nature. I’m 36 and we aint too old to act the arse. Ever. embrace your inner arse i say. hmmm Yes. Passion and tolerance for the fact that I have a little kick-yer-butt if yer step on my toes nature too. Hiiii ya!!!!anyone?! anyone? hope you’re out there. can’t wait to meet you! kiss kiss and karate chops and swirly wirly insanely bad dancing and spelling.
Hugssss, L
.-= Leila Lloyd-Evelyn´s last post … I LOve to FEeL HEArd DON’T YOu? =-.
Dear Havi and Selma,
This wasn’t my question and it was exactly the answers I needed –today–this minute. I am just so grateful for your wacky wisdom and the clarity of “there is no biggification without destuckification”.
Every damn piece of advice here is priceless. So thank you… again…
pearl
(sadly my first comment wouldn’t save here – I swear too much i think! Lol.) Anyway I dig the question and your response sweetie! here’s to celebrating small, tiny things. oooo so i have a small tiny thing, did I say? did i did i did i did i did? over zealous child tugs at your shirt sleeve. a thing that is small and tiny and yet bold and loud. Please can we ‘party like it’s 1999’ for it, for us, for us all? So here’s to a celebration of baby steps, small but bold and hope that peeps through shining so bright. wishing us all kinds of love, hugs and insanely bad ass goofy dancing, no matter what stage we are at, party on duuudes,
L xx
.-= Leila Lloyd-Evelyn´s last post … I LOve to FEeL HEArd DON’T YOu? =-.
You don’t have to do what you don’t want to do.
Why is this STILL a revelation to me?
For me, you stand as an example of someone who stands as an example.
Or something.
Waffle.
Sigh.
I’m sorry. It’s late.
(Mmmmm, waffle.)
.-= Andrew Lightheart´s last post … If only this were my real life =-.
Havi I always seem to read your blog when there’s part of me that is looking for something. Sometimes I don’t even know that I am looking for something, but then I read your words and I’m all “oh yes, that’s the bit of information or encouragement I needed! and bits inside me get all excited and start feeling expansive…woo!
I really like “be as You as you can stand”. I’m kind of just discovering who I *am* and so it’s really nice to think/feel/want to do something and just observe it. In the past I was so busy being “other things” that I lost sight of who I really was.
I’m now trying to work on that “stuff”. It’s kind of weird trying to explore all that at the same time as trying to attract my right people. How can my right people find me when I can’t even articulate who I *am*? I’m kind of hoping that if I just put out a little “right people” beacon, then they will come to me and maybe looking back at them will be like looking in a mirror. Maybe in meeting them I will know more about myself?
.-= Tresna´s last post … Sambal Tresna =-.
Exactly what I needed to hear… which happens a lot with your blog 🙂 Thanks, Havi!
.-= Thekla Richter´s last post … Thirteen Ways to Prioritize Yourself Out of Being Happy and Productive =-.
I will be printing this out and putting it on my wall.
Fantabulous. Thank you and your duck for such genius!
Bonus lesson: “What’s up with that,” is actually a really good question to ask if the person you’re asking it of likes to talk about what they do.
This is a useful list. I’m not sure why I now have an urge to score myself against each point to see how many points I get. What’s up with that? I may have accidentally let my internal mathematician out of its box again.
Anyway, good stuff, thanks!
One of the many things I love about coming here to The Fluent Self: Even when people ask you for advice, you give it in a way that nobody else would. You know that writing six posts a week won’t work for some people. That we each need to create our own language, just like you do, but in our totally different way. And you manage to be inspiring without being at all annoying or sappy. It’s all just so you and so wonderful.
.-= Kylie ´s last post … values to live by =-.
“What you need is important”…Oh, yes!
Havi, the fact that you live your advice, and it works so beautifully in your own life, is inspiration of the best kind.
Thank you for sharing what you’ve learned. And for creating a space to practice it and see it in action.
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Meditations From the Center: 2 =-.
Gasp — I love this. I want to calligraph and illuminate the highlights, and post them where I can be reminded and inspired on a daily basis. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … Still here =-.
That is a great question.
Havi, have you read Byron Katie’s stuff? Number 1 sort of reminded me of her. I was at a seminar and someone asked something along the lines of “What can I do to help someone else not ruin their life/improve their life” And her answer was to just work on your own stuff. I think if you replace “someone else” with “my business” and replace “not ruin their life/improve their life” with “not go out of business/biggify” then it works the same way.
.-= Amber´s last post … Bad Code is Viral =-.
@Andrew – waffles! Exactly.
@Tresna – yeah, the hardest part is when you don’t know who you’re speaking to. It really is hard. And disorienting.
You kind of just have to assume that it’s someone you would like who would also like you, who gets what it’s like to not always know where you stand on things. So if you’re in transitions and discovery, so are they, and they’ll appreciate that. I hope that makes sense!
@Kylie – thanks, my dear. And thanks for putting it exactly that way because oh god, I would never recommend that anyone write six posts a week! As you obviously know, but maybe I should be more vocal about that for other people who think they should be imitating me.
I only write this much because I use this blog as free therapy. And because I write *anyway*. And because it’s how I make money, so essentially it’s my job.
@Amber – I have not read Byron Katie. But that is a terrific answer to that question. Thank you for sharing that. And it’s exactly the answer I would give to that question too.
Well, along with the answer that one of my favorite teachers in Israel used to give which was: “Give that person a hug”. How sweet is that? Blew my mind.
Hugs all around, speaking of.
I love this list, Havi. It’s so interesting, but after years of intensive self work, I kinda got out of the habit of regularly doing healing sessions and stuff. And then the kids came, and let me tell you, the last 18 months a lot of my stuff has come up with hardly any time to work it through, really.
This arrives just in time, because over the last few months I’ve been slowly getting back into working on my own stuff. The best bet I had for the last eight months was acupuncture, where I could show up and someone could just needle my stuff out of me.
But now that the kids are a little older and less intense in a certain way, it’s definitely time to dig back into the habit of getting healing sessions and such.
Thank you for the non-motivational kick in the pants.
love love
.-= Mark Silver´s last post … When Making a Profit Feels Greedy and Selfish =-.
Wonderful. As always.
The one I want to suction-cup to my thigh (upside down of course so I can read it) is: be yourself. There’s so much greatness going on out here it’s hard for me to not want to just be *that.* It’s the difference between inspired (to be myself) and emulating (because I don’t know who I am). Which brings us back to #1.
Working with Hiro has helped me with this. And reading your blog always reminds me of your unique fabulousness which is… inspirational.
xo
.-= Michelle Marlahan´s last post … Fire =-.
Not doing things ‘because I just didn’t want to’
and
‘developing a sense of trust that what you need is important’.
*waves direction for choir of angels to enter stage left*
Here we go…….
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah,Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Haaaa leeeey looo yaaaaah!
.-= Pauline Esson´s last post … The Pleasure Report. Week 16. The hope edition. =-.
I love #1. Work on your stuff…Yes, yes, yes!!
It’s really hard to focus on getting ahead in business if a Boeing 747 just crashed into a B-2 Bomber in your brain.
This may be one of your best posts yet. It’s hard to say because they’re all so flippin’ good.
“bring as much you-ness as you can safely handle” – I LOVE this! Authenticiy is a hugely scary and, oddly enough, vague word to me. That’s why on my personal list of guiding values I listed “genuineness” because I feel like I can be genuine. I’m not sure how to be authentic. Weird, huh?
It also means I can be me, but I don’t have to give away every sordid detail or skeleton in my closet. The idea that I can be me and be safe at the same time is amazingly comforting. Thank you for that!
I also appreciate your advice to know your boundaries, even though they’ll change. I’ve been stuck here a lot because of the “what if I don’t always want to do that” worry. You are freeing me up a lot today!
.-= Sherri´s last post … Wishcasting Wednesday: Experience =-.
This post resonated so beautifully; thank you so much for writing it. I especially appreciated the nod to being in your body and working on “your stuff.” SO true. Sometimes when I’m in my fear place, I can get stuck in the illusion of thinking that some way that I market myself is the way out of the fear. Because there’s, you know, a to-do list for that. There’s no to-do list for my fear!
My favorite: “So I guess the real advice is more about the value of developing a sense of trust that what you need is important.”
BEautiful.
“What you need is important”… but that’s scary.
what if what I need is (largely) out my control?
@Lindsay: I hadn’t even thought about printing this out, what a great idea! It needs to go in my Sanity Saver (aka Policies & Procedures Manual).
Havi, your philosophy about doing your thing in a way that works for you even if all the pros out there say otherwise has been integral to my business being birthed.
However, I found that while I’m more comfortable passing on conventional wisdom that doesn’t feel right to me, I’m putting pressure on myself to be more like my heroes (such as yourself). The example about writing six blog posts is perfect: I know that isn’t right for me but a little monster whines “but that’s what Havi and Selma do.”
I’m learning that even people I really admire have some methods I can adopt and some I can pass on too. Thanks to The Fluent Self, I’m at least much more aware of this.
I do like the question-asker. And the question. And while I didn’t ask it myself, I could have. I sort of want to be you, too, Havi. Only maybe a you who still eats sugar. Because, of course, I am working on my own stuff, and for me that requires intense sweetness. 😉
.-= Amber´s last post … Making Stuff is Awesome =-.
Havi, the Fake Band of the Week is great. Also, thanks for the list – boy, do I need to work on my stuff.
@Willie Hewes – let out your inner mathematician! Because mathematicians rock.
.-= Luke´s last post … Ighalsk – sneak peak of Tunnels of Lost Dreams final level =-.
Thank you. This is a really good post and answers questions that have been burning me up. I’ve wondered how one can be ‘authentic’ without doing internal work. I guess you can’t.
My fears are:
there are not enough right people to sustain my business; and
they want me to be an expert, elitist, not my usual, weird-thinking, jill-of-many-things self.
I guess I need faith.
.-= ginevra´s last post … Kids’ Clothes Week: Day 2 =-.
As I tweeted just now, probably the best business advice I’ve received all year. Thank you!
And also why I’m saving up for the Dance of Shiva Starter Kit. 🙂
And yeah, there’s a whole slew of us who want to be like Havi (but in our own way, of course).
Trust the process…
.-= Melissa Dinwiddie´s last post … Your Bliss is your responsibility—don’t shut it off! =-.
i need a dammit list, dammit! best. idea. ever.
this is a great post with what looks like an amazing bunch of links to other great posts. thanks!
I totally love you, Havi. In a totally non-stalker, healthy, respecting-your-boundaries way. I had forgotten about the dammit list, dammit!
I’ve been gently pushing at my self-imposed limits, to see where they are these days and where they might be ready to shift. It’s making me all sort of excited one minute and feeling fragile and hermit-like the next. It’s like the first throes of being in love, discovering more and more about the beloved, except this time the beloved is me … and I have been acting *exactly* as dorky as I always do in that state!
“our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure” – that’s what we are all working on here you know.
Thanks Havi
Havi, this post came at a very needful moment. Thank you. Trying to become free of other people’s expectations has always been a problem for me, but with your help via your blog, I am becoming more “me”!
My stuff right now is all about being mindful when I post anything online. Whatever I say is an expression of me, and I want that expression to be good! It’s so easy to pay less attention to what I say online because it’s almost unreal. When I’m offline, there are people and faces and emotions. It’s easy to remember to be mindful of my emotions and their emotions and any other stuff going on. But online, it’s just pictures and words. I have to remember that there’s a real person behind those pictures and words, and I don’t want to give the wrong impression. And all of that is compounded by the fact that words online take on different meanings. So many things you can say to someone sitting next to you, in a completely harmless, even friendly way, are misinterpreted online. So I have to be extra mindful!
.-= Eric Normand´s last post … I love learning languages, but how many have I learned? =-.
So.
I’m usually a lurker here, but I have to take off the lurking cloak for a minute and thank you, Havi. This is such a helpful process overview, spelled out just the way I needed it. The dammit list shall be wielded with great force.
Havi, Thank you so much for another thoughtful and spot on post. I see I’m not the only one who needed to hear this today. I love your process of working through your stuff, it has really changed the way I work through mine. Why is being yourself such hard work? Seems like it should come easier than being who we’ve trained ourselves to be.
Oh yeah! This is what I meant when I told you that you “got paid to meditate”. Working on your stuff was part of your business strategy. I want to make it part of my business, too.
.-= Eric Normand´s last post … I love learning languages, but how many have I learned? =-.
“Let the wild rumpus of Deshouldifying begin!”
Amen to that, sister!
You bravely speak the truth, as always. Thank you.
.-= Denise´s last post … Does your thyroid hate gluten? =-.
This is such good advice, Havi, as always. I really struggle with one of these in particular, and I wonder if anyone has any advice.
I struggle a lot with #9 (“Don’t Be a Jerk”). Not because I am a jerk– I’m not. I’m actually cripplingly empathetic.
My problem is that I srongly value #6 (“Don’t Do Stuff That Feels Crappy”) and #8 (“Have Boundaries”) and sometimes when I take care of myself in those ways, some people interpret that as Being a Jerk.
Example 1:
Person A really, really likes me and wants to be my friend. But Person A does not feel like My People to me. When I spend time with her, I feel drained and depressed. But she really wants to be my friend!
Then Person A has a crisis and hopes for my support. But I’d rather use that time and energy to support my friends who ARE My People, so I set boundaries so I won’t F=feel crappy. But now she thinks I’m a jerk!
Example 2:
Person B follows me on Twitter. She replies to a lot of my tweets, posts links to my blog, and retweets me regularly. My problem? I find her twitter feed draining and depressing. She posts several times an hour and her posts are all either negative, self-promoting, or both, and I dread seeing her name in my feed.
I finally break down and unfollow her because I love Twitter, and following her makes me love it less. I’m setting boundaries and avoiding things that make me feel crappy, but now I look like a jerk!
Havi, I needed these ideas today. Being “me” is often the hardest. But I do find that when I let my true self poke through my right people do show up and are happy. And you’re helping me see that lots of other people’s “shoulds” are really just options.
.-= Susan´s last post … Therapists and Social Media Q&A =-.
This is a question I wanted to ask but didn’t quite know how to do it. Thanks more articulate person.
This line really resonated
‘But bring as much you-ness as you can safely handle.’
Yes, yes when you’re dealing with the whole invisibility/visibility conflicting emotions malarky and feeling anxious about how much you-ness you want to put ‘out there’ this is fantastic to hear.
And working on my stuff and sharing (as much I’m comfortable with) that process is proving so helpful. I’m finding that it’s a great way to find you’re Right People and start communicating with them.
.-= Nats´s last post … Sacred Sunday – meditation & the beauty of words =-.
Havi, this is one of your best yet, and I needed to hear every word of it today. This is going to get printed off and put with the rest of my Havi-nator and Selma-nator Destuckifying Goodness.
.-= Shawna R. B. Atteberry´s last post … Women and Fiction: Writing the World Right =-.
Ok, now I am freaking out… I swear I had not read this yesterday, when I wrote a very very similar line about being you in another comment!
The way I see it, there are two possible explanations:
1. Somebody is reading my mind. And writing my thoughts before I even think them.
2. The person who asked the question, as well as all of you who commented are my cosmic twins. Ok, the term doesn’t really fit… whatever that kind of connection where you have similar thoughts and reactions is called.
And since I don’t really believe that 1 is possible, then it must be 2… This is too cool for words! You guys really exist!! Then there is hope for finding my right people! I am not alone in the universe!
I’m going to go work on my stuff. But I will be back for more. Soon. I’m officially addicted now.
Lisa.
.-= Lisa´s last post … How a logo is born =-.