Today’s complicated Ask Havi should really be about twenty Ask Havis. It’s a big question — a very broad question — about my thoughts on meditation.
Thoughts? Since I have far too many thoughts on this subject to possibly contain them in a post or even a series of posts, I’m just going to try and respond with the things I think are most important or most helpful.
And will be leaving lots of stuff out.
So please don’t take this as any sort of complete answer.
Because that would be ridiculously impossible.
But enough with the hedging. Here’s the non-question question:
I saw an article on CNN about using Compassion Meditation to learn to be more empathetic toward people you don’t like. The article specifically mentioned how such meditative practices can give you a more positive view of the world. Of course, it got me thinking.
Do you meditate much? If so, is there any special technique you use? I’ve really only done the breathe in, breathe out thing. When I try to visualize things, my thoughts get really…loud.
I suspect that’s very normal. Isn’t it human nature to think about things we’re told to ignore? Don’t think about the pink elephant…you’re thinking about it, aren’t you? I am.
I do not currently meditate. If I sit, I get uncomfortable very quickly. If I lay down, I fall asleep the moment I relax. I also develop a sudden desire to scratch my nose or crack my knuckles. I understand that during meditation, you don’t need to ban these feelings…just acknowledge them and move on. But I can’t get to the moving on part.
I have often thought something like yoga or tai chi, which involve movement, would be a little easier for me to get into. Holding still isn’t really my forte. Being a yoga expert, I’d love to hear your thoughts on using yoga or tai chi as a meditative practice.
Thanks!
Wow. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed.
There are more questions in this question than I can answer here. Each aspect of this is a chapter in a book, at least.
But I’m just going to pretend that we’re on a quiz show or a radio interview and that I have to give super quick answers to each one.
Q. “Do you meditate much?”
That depends on your definition of “much”. Compared to my teacher who spends half of each year in a monastery in the Himalayas doing 14 to 20 hours a day of prostrations and silent sitting? Not very much.
But the right amount for me.
My duck and I meditate each morning. Anywhere from twenty minutes to an hour. There was a period of a few months where I’d come out of meditation and it always turned out to be exactly 45 minutes on the dot. But that wasn’t a conscious decision or anything.
After my daily evening yoga practice with my gentleman friend or an afternoon Shiva Nata session with Selma, we also sit for about five minutes or so.
“If so, is there any special technique you use?”
I assume what you’re asking is whether I would recommend a specific technique for you. You don’t want the ones that I use, believe me. Way too complicated.
There are many, many techniques out there and they vary. A lot.
I need to add something here: just sitting or just-sitting-and-breathing is a super-advanced practice. It’s a myth — and an absurd one at that — that we should be able to start there.
Don’t start there.
So many people put so much pressure on themselves because they think they ought to be able to just sit down and focus on the breath. Give yourself a few years before you even try using that as your method. It’s not the place to start.
You’re going to have to experiment a bit.
If visualizing things is stressful, don’t do it. Or: don’t do it for now.
Chanting, mantras, counting prayer beads, pranayama (breathing exercises), repeating a word, keeping your focus on a candle or a picture …
These are all things you can experiment with just to figure out what the sensations that come up are like — for you specifically. And then your practice is just to notice how you react.
And start small for goodness sakes. Five minutes is more than enough to start with.
“Isn’t it human nature to think about things we’re told to ignore?”
Don’t tell yourself to ignore them.
“If I sit, I get uncomfortable very quickly.”
Uh, I’m going to say … that might be your problem right there!
Getting comfortable is important. That’s another myth — that you have to just let yourself be in pain and observe the pain, blah blah blah.
Trust me. Life will give you enough painful situations in which to practice this without you having to recreate it for yourself from scratch each time you meditate.
The first thing I would suggest is to try sitting with your back to a wall, for extra support. Slip a pillow or a folded blanket behind the small of your back so that it isn’t cold or painful.
And then you can put your legs any way that’s comfortable for you. If you fold them, you can prop up your knees with blankets as well.
Just make it a rule that you get to be comfortable. Screw the shoulds and all the “this is the right way to do things and I can’t do it” rules.
Pillows, blankets, blocks, bolsters. Try stuff. See what works.
Also, here’s a revolutionary thought: give yourself permission to move. If you do it consciously and mindfully when you need to, it’s not fidgeting.
In fact, it’s just a natural part of your practice.
Over time, your body will get used to the idea of sitting still and you won’t need to move as much. A good way to help it get better at this is to take some yoga classes. I’d recommend an Iyengar restorative-style class for this just because of the way they teach you to use props.
“I also develop a sudden desire to scratch my nose or crack my knuckles.”
Anyone who says you can’t scratch your nose can go to hell. Go for it. Scratch your nose. I give you permission!
“I understand that during meditation, you don’t need to ban these feelings…just acknowledge them and move on. But I can’t get to the moving on part.”
Right. If you can’t get to the moving on part, that’s the sign that they still haven’t really been acknowledged yet.
Acknowledging is hard work. This can be totally annoying sometimes (sorry!) but yeah, that’s just the way it is. It’s not enough to say “fine, I want to scratch my nose, moving right along!”.
It’s about recognizing that where you are right now in this moment feels uncomfortable. That you are allowed to feel uncomfortable. That you are allowed to hate it. That you are allowed to scratch your nose. That you are allowed to notice that you are upset with yourself for not being able to not scratch your nose.
And then deeper:
That you are allowed to be upset with yourself for being upset with yourself. That you are allowed to think this whole process is annoying and frustrating. That even though you are in a state of deep resistance, this is just where you are at the moment.
That this is temporary and natural and you’re allowed to be there.
Sweetie, right now you’re hurrying the “wanting to move the heck on already” part. It can’t be hurried.
“I have often thought something like yoga or tai chi, which involve movement, would be a little easier for me to get into.”
Yes.
Keep in mind that meditating and meditative are not the same thing, but yoga and other movement practices are useful (and healthy) ways to help prepare your body and your mind for a meditation practice.
Obviously the best way to do that is Shiva Nata (Dance of Shiva), because of the way it makes you use more of your brain than you have ever, ever even thought about using, which ends up with you being able to shut down entirely, but in a good way.
I’ve worked with people (grieving mothers, etc) who were completely unable to meditate due to their extremely stressful situations.
And what we found is that the huge amount of brain power and concentration in Dance of Shiva actually allowed them to finally experience periods of “turning off” and pausing their thoughts.
Which, as you might imagine, is a huge relief to someone in that much pain. If you’re not Shiva-ing it up yet, that’s definitely where I would start. And I’m not just saying that because I’m a big old Shivanaut.
“Holding still isn’t really my forte.”
Yet. 🙂
In the meantime, don’t make it be about stillness.
And if you’re going to start doing yoga, don’t do forms of yoga that focus on sitting still. Again, Dance of Shiva. Or go do a vinyasa class and sweat it out. Then try relaxing.
Sitting still is not a practice for beginners. It is not accessible to most beginners. It’s something you train yourself to do — slowly, gently, lovingly and over time.
That’s like saying that “fixing plumbing isn’t really my forte” or “painting watercolor landscapes isn’t really my forte”. Why would it be?
Most of us do not come naturally to stillness.
That’s enough for now, I think.
Hope that was helpful and not too overwhelming.
And for those of you who aren’t at all interested in starting a meditation practice, I’m going to go ahead and pretend that maybe you picked up some useful concepts that — who knows — might prove to be fun to think about and apply to other stuff you’re working on. 🙂
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Ah – thanks Havi.
I had similar questions too. Got a lot of answers here.
I dont meditate regularly yet. Thought I was never good at it. Mind always wanders. But your post should help.
One thing that has helped me is – playing loud music or TV. Seems paradoxical. But makes me tune out the noise. And makes it easier for me to focus on my thoughts then.
Ankesh Kotharis last blog post..The Black Magic of Rumour and Reputation
Oddly enough, I was going to ask you if you could do a meditation Ask Havi, one day in the future.
This person clearly beat me to it. But it was still helpful and answered all the questions that I had. So thank you 🙂
And feel better! Colds are probably the worst things to get ever. It’s amazing how underrated breathing is until its gone. I have seasonal allergies. Trust me, I know.
Sarah Marie Lacys last blog post..Dear Lord, I think I’ve finally lost it.
You cleared up so many misconceptions I had! I’ve been attracted to the idea of trying out meditation, and your perspective on it makes it seem much less intimidating.
It’s important to have voices like yours to remind us how flexible these practices are, ’cause it’s easy to get stuck in the notion that it wouldn’t work in your lifestyle.
Zoes last blog post..Community Contemplation: Consumer or Creator?
Nice summary, Havi.
I started meditating by using guided meditations. There are bunches of CDs available on Amazon, or you can get samples all over the web. Just find a couple where the narrator’s voice doesn’t annoy the crap out you – makes it hard to find your inner bliss otherwise!
I have to say I think my favourite part is: “Life will give you enough painful situations in which to practice this without you having to recreate it for yourself from scratch each time you meditate.”
I’ve been “meditating” for a year and a half, although I’d say I only really took it seriously for about the last month or so. I found the less I thought I had to be the Dalai Lama himself in order to get it right, the better it worked out.
Since reading this blog I’m getting pulled and pulled toward doing yoga again. I already do pilates, but I have some tools for yoga practice as well and my confidence is building through your gentle stroky-stroky encouragement!
Joely Blacks last blog post..No, I don’t know how to ask for help
Not in the least bit overwhelming! The word I’d use is “liberating”!
Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.
You and Selma are the best at conveying “common sense hippydom”! The absolute best!
christys last blog post..The Home of Independent Thought . . . or . . . On Not Taking Things at Face Value
Oh, yeah. So many meditation techniques to beat ourselves up about not doing correctly! phew.
whatever happens in meditation is exactly right – *whatever* it is. (Of course, that’s true for life as well, but it’s easier to start with meditation.)
Set no expectations and be intensely curious. 🙂
Funny thing: I’ve always told my clients “If your nose itches, scratch it!” Love that you said the same thing!
Good answers for beginners. I love the way you reframe things in a way that leads to self-acceptance. Brilliant!
Of course the urge to scratch the nose, etc. can be used as an object of meditation, but only when the student actually has enough concentration and equanimity to do so.
When I first tried to meditate in high school, 5 minutes of sitting without moving was my edge. 10 minutes was impossible. Now an hour without moving is standard, but of course compared to part-time hard core monks like Lappa, an hour is nothing! So I totally agree that 5 minutes is a good start.
I also totally agree that you don’t need to make your meditation practice painful on purpose, as life will be painful and difficult enough. I learned this the hard way!
DoS and yoga can definitely help to calm the mind before sitting meditation, as can Bradford Keeney’s “Shaking Medicine,” or Shiva Rae’s “Ecstatic Dance,” etc. Going out dancing at clubs was my entryway into the spiritual path, and allowed me to be able to meditate later down the line….
Duffs last blog post..Beat the Recession/Holiday Blues with Core Transformation
Funny, I spent a good part of my twenties and early thirties in long (3 months at a time) silent meditation retreats where I’d sit in a little mud hut–and not move at all–for 18 hours a day. I learned a lot about myself by staying put and simply observing the micro-movements of my mind, emotions and body. And out of even the most painful places would emerge a deep and spacious peace.
But then, at the end of each retreat, I’d get on a plane back from India, and find myself in JFK airport enroute to Canada, completely overwhelmed by the assault of the world around me. Which is when I asked myself: Where is the Sacred in JFK airport? And how come I want to curl into a ball and hide, or run back to my mud hut, rather than being with the Divine where It lives in my own, noisy, crazy world?
So here I am now, more than thirty years later, still meditating each day. But it’s a kinder, gentler practice. No longer a marathon. And the spaciousness it brings spills over into the rest of my day–simply, easily, with the warmth of a cup of tea on a winter’s morning.
Thank you for this lovely, kind post on meditation as it really is.
Love to you,
Hiro
Hiro Bogas last blog post..Happy Thanksgiving, Baby
Oh good. I’m glad this answered some questions.
@Hiro – what a beautiful story, beautifully told. And yes, I think the hardest practice is the one that involves other people being involved!
@Duff – me too on the dancing. Sometimes I still put on some Blondie if I can’t quiet my mind and am too worked up to just sit.
@Grace – You’re so sweet. What a wonderful way to put it: Set no expectations and be intensely curious. Love it. (Everybody, we have another meditation teacher here giving you more permission to nose-scratch!)
@Christy *blows kiss*
@Maria – good point. And yes, a guided meditation that doesn’t drive you batty is worth its weight in gold.
@Joely – that made me smile. Not having to be the Dalai Lama does make life a bit easier.
Though (total aside) I do have a picture of him that lives on the refrigerator and then he smiles at me when I have a snack, and I always imagine that he’s saying “Oh my dear soul, of course you should have a snack if you want one”.
@Ankesh, Zoe, Sarah Marie – Oh yay. I’m so pleased. I would have started meditating way earlier if I hadn’t been so intimidated by a laundry list of “shoulds” and “I’m probably doing it wrong” and all that. Yay. Thank you.
The Shambhala folks have very good training in basic sitting meditation. Not scary or intimidating. They are theoretically a nontheistic branch of the Tibetan tradition, although I find the “nontheistic” gets a little fuzzy with some of them.
Sitting is kind of like Dance of Shiva. The point isn’t to be good at it. I love to hear Pema Chodron talk about all the things that still come up for her in sitting practice. Just start with gentleness.
I do think a beginner can sit, as long as you realize that “doing it right” isn’t the point. (Which is good, because you’re not going to do it right.) Counting breaths is a good way to start, and I still do it, 20-some-odd years after I started.
And if you can, find a nice meditation teacher nearby who you can talk to a little bit. Just being able to ask some questions is very useful.
Sonia Simones last blog post..Dumb Things Small Businesses Do #7: Following the Herd
Hi Havi,
Thanks, as always, for taking a big scary concept and making it more bite sized and human!
When I moved to the San Francisco Bay Area over 30 years ago the first place I lived was in a communal house with a bunch of Zen students. I went to the zendo to meditate for a (very) little while and oh boy are you right about the just sitting type of meditation being the most difficult and advanced. I just could not do it and could never relate to the whole idea of not being allowed to scratch my nose or stretch my legs.
But I could not ever give up my sense of connection with spirit and so tried a number of things including movement meditations like yoga and tai chi, which were much better. I finally came to something that really works for me which is using the creative process and something called intuitive painting as a meditation practice. I like it because a .) I’m a creativity junkie, b.) it is a form of active and engaged meditative practice which is way easier than just sitting c.) it encourages compassionate self acceptance through authentic self expression and d.) you can end up with some really cool artwork, even if you don’t consider yourself an artist (-:
chris zydels last blog post..PAIN FREE CREATIVITY: YOU DON’T REALLY NEED TO SUFFER FOR YOUR ART
Excellent. I just love this blog, and yet nobody would guess that based on MY blog.
I’ve tried the “sit still on a cushion and concentrate” type of meditation and do not like it. Thought it was some failing in me and that I would just have to learn how.
But intuitively, I guess I knew that it was personal. I like Yoga as a moving meditation. I like “sit and let it happen” meditation, in a regular old comfortable chair. And I like stuff like Holosync, where you listen to something with embedded sounds or whatever and just sort of drift off. I find it really, really relaxing.
Alas, like Yoga, I’ve totally felt like I have no time for any of it recently. This is a stressful time, full of a LOT of activity. Which means, I suppose, that that is all the more reason to make time for these things.
I’ll figure it out. But thanks.
Johnny Truants last blog post..Unfortunately, pants
I loooooooove dis one 🙂
And I’m a fellow cheerleader of the “Do it the way it works for YOU!” methodology.
For me, what works right now, is to close my eyes, and breathe and count to 100. For all the visualisation observation and no-monkey-minding in the world, counting numbers works best for me.
Meanwhile, I found our ShivaNata video today. Holy compelling Batman! I think I just had a cosmic brainsnap just watching you do it! 🙂
Goddess Leonie I Creative Goddesss last blog post..Following the wild little calling
I suck at meditating. Suck at it. I just get bored.
Physical equivalents work much better for me. Tai Chi used to work pretty well. Walking helps. But the thing that works for me like nothing else is tango. It’s impossible to be bored during tango. But it creates a very meditative state of mind; present, still, receptive, aware, and deeply connected to your partner / the music / yourself / the universe.
Kates last blog post..Butterfly minds and renaissance souls
Beautiful post to encourage people to be and accept right where they are and what they are ready for. The other (and somewhat totally un-American) word I’d add is patience. Patience. patience.
I consider my practice to still be in its baby-step stage and yet am totally thrilled that I’ve at least made it to the point that I look forward to meditating. =)
Much gratitude.
Shawn Tuttles last blog post..The Simplifier #79 is Online
Hoorah! Thanks, Havi. Day 7 of my 30 day meditation trail has been significantly improved by this post.
Yet again with the perfect stuff at the perfect time. 🙂
James | Dancing Geeks last blog post..Day 7: Making meditation stock
Hey
Wow wow wow! I just read this post. Fantastic.
I am dealing with my beautiful, chaotic flat at the moment. Dealing with it. Hmmm. Not the right word but still it’s how I feel at times. A little more hmph than hmmm actually.
Anyway I am tackling my stuckness around my flat becuase I want to create a space to start reading again (I stopped reading fiction after my Dad died over ten years ago now!) and because I’d like to try out some Yoga/stretchy stuff again as a daily practise and also yes because one day I am going to try this SHiva Nata thing!
But I have had lots of concerns about meditating and frustration in part becuase I have NEVER heard of anyone apart from myself(and now you) talking about accepting what comes up in each moment. So phew! You have said it so much better as well. Fantastic – a really useful post. And a greak Ask Havi too I think.
I also wanted to say out loud to myself as much as to anyone else that any enery work (as long as it’s safe enough) can still be hugely transformative and ephiphany making – whether or not it involves stillness and adheres to the ‘traditional’ path to spiritual enlightenment! Sorry Yogi’s I hope not to offend.
So ooop I have small piles of stuff in my flat to tackle now so that I can practise what I’m preaching some time soon! Fantastic post. Wonderful – thanks you two – Selma and Havi!
Blows kisses
L