Note: it is almost impossible to get on the Ask Havi list. This person got in by a. being one of my clients or students, b. flattering the hell out of my duck, and c. making life easy on me by being clear about what the question was and what details I could use.
Here’s the question:
Okay, so I’m procrastinating on this thing and I have no idea at all why on earth I would be procrastinating on it, except that I am.
I loved your post on why it’s normal to avoid stuff that’s really meaningful and that was helpful, but this seems different. I mean, I get that this project is meaningful for me and I’m still not doing anything with it.
What do I do? Do I need to find out why I’m not working on this? Help!
Seriously. Not knowing can be really, really frustrating.
Wow. So you’re feeling pretty frustrated because you just want to get moving on this and you’re not sure what you need to know or not know in order to make something shift. That’s no fun.
And yeah, the hardest part of not doing the thing is so often that point where you just cannot figure out why you would be avoiding it to begin with. So let’s talk about this.
There is always a good reason for why you’re not doing the thing.
Always. But it’s totally okay if you don’t know what it is.
Best way to start destuckifying is to just remind yourself:
“Even though I’m not working on this thing — and am feeling guilty and upset about it — I am allowed to feel what I’m feeling. I am sure there is a perfectly good reason for why I’m getting stuck on this.”
You don’t necessarily always need to find out what that reason is.
So you don’t know the reason. Or: you don’t know the reason yet.
Either way, not the end of the world. You can still make your way out of the stuckified cycle even if you never end up figuring out the cause.
So you can keep talking:
“Even though I don’t know why I’m not doing the thing, I’m willing to keep learning about my stucknesses.
And even though I may never discover the real reason behind this, at least I’m working on it. At least I’m spending time trying to find out what I need instead of just treating myself like some whip-wielding slave-driver jerk .”
If you do want to find out, the worst way to do it is by asking WHY.
Not that this is your situation, of course. But it’s very tempting to make “why” the first question we ask.
If we make it about “But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is it like this?” and “How cooooooommmmmmme it isn’t the way I want it to be?”, everything gets more stuck.
Because then we head straight into resistance mode and that’s never fun.
You want to keep reassuring yourself that yes, there is a good reason even if you don’t know what it is yet, and then you can start exploring by asking smart questions.
Smart questions that work better than “why” and “why-why-why-why-WHY?” and “how come”:
- What happens (or what might happen) when I start working on this thing? When I am close to finishing this thing? When I am done with this thing?
- If we assume for a minute that it’s natural and normal for me to be avoiding this thing, what might be some of the reasons for that? If someone else were arguing my case, what would he say?
- Is there anyone in my life who will not be pleased while I am doing the thing or when I am done with the thing? Who loses from this thing?
- When I imagine having this thing or being done with this thing or having this thing behind me, what are my regrets? Or: does this situation/experience remind me of anything?
Three examples
Hidden reason right after the finish line.
One of my clients couldn’t figure out why she wasn’t working on the project she needed to finish in order to graduate.
She wanted to graduate. In fact, she needed to in order to stay in the country. And in the meantime her avoidance patterns were driving her crazy.
Guess what we found out? Something really, really horrible was going to occur the same week that she was scheduled to graduate — something that she’s really dreading.
And this horrible bit is directly in opposition to all the reasons she wants to finish her studies. Of course she’s avoiding it.
To the point that she completely blanked out the thing she was dreading, and made her avoidance about the graduation instead.
Hidden reason in the past.
Another client wanted to get back to working on the book she’s been busily avoiding for the past few years.
Turned out that something seriously awful and unpleasant happened while she was writing her first book. There was a part of her that had become convinced that both the writing and the finishing had to be tied up with pain and loss and regret.
Makes sense.
Hidden reason in the thing itself.
One of my students has a huge photography project that she’s not working on.
Because a couple of the photos are tied to a relationship or a past experience that’s uncomfortable and hurt-ey.
Of course she was avoiding it.
There’s a weird magical thing that happens when you let the reason have legitimacy.
Whatever the reason is. Even if you don’t know what it is.
Letting that reason have the right to exist is hugely important.
Because in all of three cases that I mentioned, something incredible happened.
As far as I had been concerned, finding out more about what was going on had just been preamble. I was all ready with my super-genius techniques to start doing some pattern-shifting and stuck-zapping. You know, the real work.
But you know what? Once we figured out the source, they didn’t need my help anymore. The avoidance started to clear as soon as the stuck became visible and obvious.
Once they knew what the stuck was, it didn’t work anymore. It couldn’t scare them or keep them frozen in place.
Soft of like your neighbor’s child doing his stealth ninja thing. The first time he jumps out of the tree at you is completely traumatic. Once you know it’s a 5-year-old in a mask, it kind of takes the edge off.
Maybe you’ll find out what the reason is. Maybe you won’t.
Either way, if you’re spending time working on this whole “having a conscious relationship with yourself” thing, good stuff will happen.
Every time you give yourself permission to not do the thing, something shifts. Every time you practice active not-doing for its own sake, more stuck gets dissolved.
Before you know it, you’re learning Useful Things about yourself and how you interact with the world around you. And you find yourself feeling a bit more patient.
And all of a sudden, you don’t really care why you’re not doing the thing. You’re just ready to do it.
Or you aren’t. But at least you’re not feeling guilty about not being ready, which is the fastest way to getting ready. So either way, you win.
Hope that helps!
Good luck with this.
As always, Selma and I are wishing you (and everyone else who reads this) support and comfort and lots of everything you need … all the time, but especially when you need it most. Keep us posted.
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I really empathize with this experience, I’ve been there too. I hope the writer gets some relief from your response and knowing they’re not alone!
“Even though” is one of the handiest things I’ve learned from you, Havi. My screen saver now says “Even though…” so that I’m reminded several times a day of this trick.
“Once you know it’s a 5-year-old in a mask, it kind of takes the edge off.”
This sentence alone made it worth a read times a million (not that I ever had any doubt about it). Thank you so much for giving me a wonderful mental image to go back to whenever I feel stuck. 🙂
Sari O.s last blog post..Enough
Every time I’ve been stuck procrastinating without an explanation I’ve had 100% success with journaling. I must have a simple mind because within the first page of writing I always spill the beans and out comes my problem right there on the page.
Not that it’s a guaranteed solution but I highly recommend everyone gives it a try.
lindas last blog post..I Should Love This Book
@linda – I love journaling! It’s the thing I miss the most since not being able to use my arms. Writing is such a great way to find out what is really going on. 🙂
@Sari – oh good! I was positive that no one was going to know what I was talking about there and I almost took it out. Actually, I was sure everyone would be laughing at me about how freaked out I get about five year old ninjas.
@Tzaddi – oh that’s neat! Thanks for your sweet wishes. I’m sure they will be much appreciated.
Oh so great post.
and YES useful.
“When I imagine having this thing or being done with this thing or having this thing behind me, what are my regrets? Or: does this situation/experience remind me of anything?”
A memory came back to me in a flash reading this : when I was in primary school and highschool, I was the kind of girl who was always trying to get things right, give homework on time, which would as a consequence get noticed by the teacher, then piss off the other students, then get me sad and frustrated not to be “the cool one”.
ouch. thinks quite a bit shoud be easier knowing that now.
always tried the “what would I loss if I do it” question, and the “I’ll feel so good when it will be finished when it’s done” thing, but the “regrets” was the key
thanks so much for the shift of point of view. 🙂
I love these smart questions so much more than “why?” Just what I needed today – thanks, Havi.
Laurie Foleys last blog post..Little League Lessons for Entrepreneurs
Ironically, I have no problem at all figuring out the why (I’m afraid I’m not going to be good enough at/for/whatever), but I still do a lot of procrastinating.
What’s helped me is a mindfulness that I’m slowly developing — am I doing this thing because I really enjoy it, because it really needs to be done, or because I don’t want to do something else?
And then, thanks to you, I’ve learned to say, “Even though I am doing this to procrastinate, it’s really okay, because that’s where I am right now.”
I don’t always get to the Something Else right afterward, but it helps that knowing someone has told me it’s okay sometimes not to. And that is just invaluable.
Thanks, Havi — you’re pure gold. Selma, too!
Amy Crooks last blog post..TV is Someone’s Dream, Too
How might I rephrase those questions for a thing that I’m avoiding that I have to do repeatedly, like practicing the violin? I love the violin but I seem to have a whole lot of ‘Stuck’ around practicing regularly.
Thank you, this has given me a lot to think about on this issue.
Dang, I swear you can read my mind through cyberspace. I’ve been procrastinating pulling together documents that I need to apply to a doctoral program. This was just the post I needed to help me get unstuck and start making forward progress.
Another question, off topic, do you have other guided meditations available? I have the one called “Recoding Your Mind” which is very helpful, but I’d love to have some other ones. Your voice is very soothing. I love that phrase you say “words have tremendous power”. It pops up in my mind when the negative talk gets going during the day.
You know, for a long time one of the biggest strategies for dealing with OCD was thought interruption and suppression. Now the mental health community is coming more and more aware that allowing the thought to simply be, to let yourself be mindful of the thought, acknowledge it and either explore it or let it be is more conducive to breaking the obsessive thought cycle. I’m realizing that a lot of my ruminating and ‘stuckedness’ in my writing is like and that CONSCIOUS AVOIDANCE/active not-doing might just be the key. Thanks again.
melissas last blog post..Settle
This is great. And I blame reductionist scientists for getting us fixated on cause. There is a particular way of thinking about science that says that we must know the cause and once we know the cause we can fix it. But that is just not true for many things.
As an aside, I notice R’s request for help with violin. Here is something that sort of works for my daughter. It isn’t practice. It is making music. You enjoy making music, I assume. So make music. Give yourself permission to make music you like. And even though you need to go through some frustrating and difficult times to learn new music, mix up the frustrating stuff with playing lots of stuff you already play well and makes you happy. Have fun.
JoVEs last blog post..Tests, lotteries, and contests
I’m one of those people who defaults to asking endless WHYs… It doesn’t really get me anywhere except for around in circles, and it’s absolutely frustrating. I’m so glad to learn that there are better and more effective questions to ask myself. Thanks for putting that out there Havi. I’ve learnt something incredible from you today. 🙂
Also, it’s been such a powerful thing for me to understand that it’s completely okay for me to *choose* not to do something. Just knowing I actually have a choice in a situation is enough for me to get through my procrastination (even if it means not actually doing the thing).
Much love <3
I just have to say that you are so incredibly awesome Havi and thank you for sharing your brilliance with us.
xoxox
Havi, I’ve been reading you for a few weeks now and YOU ARE AMAZING! You’ve really helped me to get started working on my stuff. This particular post said alot to me and then I read the Avoidance! post, which was even more helpful. So thank you, keep up the great work and know you are making a difference in the world!
@NancyJo – hey, that’s so cool. Thank you! Appreciated! A lot.
@melissa – yes yes yes! I go completely mad when I read articles about getting people to focus or about treating trauma with putting people in *even more* traumatic situations.
There are so many kinder, gentler ways of treating almost everything so much more effectively. It’s good to see stuff changing and hard that it’s not changing enough.
@R – with the practicing the violin thing, it’s hard to know without having access to more details.
Just off the top of my head, I would start playing around with a number of different aspects. For one, tuning into why you want to play. Two, calling it something else. Three, cutting down your practice periods so that it’s fifteen minutes of something that gives you joy rather than an hour that you’re dreading. And building up as necessary. But the most important part is giving yourself permission to *not want* to do it. You’re allowed to not want to do it. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love it. It just means that this has a lot of power and symbolic meaning for you.
@Amy – yay. LOVE.
Oh, this is so helpful! I was a bit stuck these days trying to figure out what was (were) the reason(s) behind my stucknesses, and this post seems to contain the key for me to be able to keep working on that stuff even though I’m not quite sure where it comes from. Once again, thank you, Havi!
The avoiding writing because something bad happened while someone was writing her first book. Omg. I was finally taking my writing dream seriously. Then I had a miscarriage and ended up with anxiety and depression. I even got a short story published not long afterwards. The first positive feedback on my childhood dream and I didn’t even care.
Suddenly it all makes sense.
The creepy thing is, that happened months after you wrote this post. It’s like you knew what I would need to read right now, years before it even happened.
Thank you.