The Blogging Therapy posts have given birth to all kinds of commotion in my inbox.
And since I compulsively have to share things with you, today’s awesome and anonymous Ask Havi question is pulled — with the asker’s permission, of course — out of that file.
If you haven’t been keeping up with the Blogging Therapy posts, no worries. Jump right on in. We were talking last time about anonymity and the fear of being known or discovered.
More on this whole fear of being known thing.
Also known as fear of love.
Thank you so much for these posts. You keep saying stuff in a particular way that NO ONE ELSE does — you definitely speak my language. I have serious lightbulbs flashing almost every time I read something you write.
Some of my recent favorites have been your Blogging Therapy posts which shoot straight to my heart because I’ve been thinking about starting a blog.
Actually, I have started a blog, only it’s password-protected and just my super-secret hidden thing right now.
Anyway, my question is basically the opposite of “Why aren’t my friends reading my blog?”
And that is OH GOD WHAT DO I DO IF SOMEONE I KNOW IN REAL LIFE READS IT?
(I know I could go anonymous but I think that would just lead to paranoia surrounding keeping it secret…)
Pouring out stuff to random strangers on the internet doesn’t seem weird to me at all. But if I run into someone I know at my neighborhood coffeeshop, and they mention my blog, and then I know that they know all this STUFF about me? My cheeks are red just thinking about it.Β
Oh! And the worst part. My boyfriend’s ex, who maybe doesn’t have super-positive feelings about me, I know occasionally searches for me online. In my dark fantasy world, I put this blog out there, maybe get a little vulnerable and real, talk about my truth, and my audience consists of absolutely NO ONE but my boyfriend’s ex.
That is seriously the voice I hear whenever I’m writing anything and consider putting it out there. Crazy huh?
Oh, not crazy at all. This sounds pretty normal to me!
It actually reminds me of my biggest fear when I first launched my site — that people from my old super-cool hipster bartender life would end up reading it and mocking me mercilessly for having become a cheesy embarrassing yoga person.
And I’m sure that’s totally happened.
Things to keep in mind.
You don’t have to write about everything.
Good grief. I have all sorts of things that are off-limits.
You may have noticed that I don’t mention my family much. Exactly.
There are all sorts of things that I may write about someday, but if it happens, it will be a. after I’ve done a lot more healing and b. many, many years after a lot of people are gone. And even then I don’t know if that’s really stuff I want to share.
The act of writing is — in and of itself — healing.
That means that you can write stuff you don’t publish.
And you can write stuff that — through the act of being published and going out to the world — resolves some of your stuckification around those memories.
I’ve experienced that here so many times. I’ve written about something hard and painful and people have shown up with so much love and support that it’s completely overwhelming.
You start to realize, ohmygosh, I’m surrounded by people who are also in this process of working on their stuff. My insights are relevant to them. My pain is their pain.
It stops being so scary, because you realize that your own process has value. That your collection of scars is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness.
This is about the fear of being known.
And the fear of being known is about love. About not being able to be loved. About not feeling worthy of being loved. Or suspecting that you’re not worthy of being loved.
A very, very human thing.
The fear says that if people know what we’re really like, they couldn’t possibly love us for who we are. Or at all, for that matter.
And so we find ways to close ourselves off from people who would love us. And from ourselves. And from moments of intimacy and connection.
So part of working on this pattern is allowing yourself to feel safe not wanting to be loved. It’s okay. Eventually you’ll get to the point where you do feel safe being loved and adored.
Right now though, it’s absolutely fine to notice that you’re not at a point where you’re ready to receive. You’re at a point where all you can do is notice where you’re at and be patient with that.
Even though we’re not ready to be known (yet), we’re practicing.
We’re practicing letting ourselves be human. We’re practicing noticing our pain and giving that pain some attention. We’re practicing noticing what we need and asking for it. That’s where we are.
Dark, creepy fantasies about people hating you? Completely normal.
You’re not alone.
Not in the tiniest bit.
In fact, let’s all share some of our horrible, sick, twisted shameful fear-driven blogging fantasies.
I’ll go first. And then I challenge you to come up with something at least as embarrassing!
Here we go.
Scenario 1. In which I get exposed as a horrible person …
My ex-husband (or someone in his family or his new wife) finds this blog and is appalled and horrified that someone as psychotic as me would dare to give anyone advice on anything, ever.
Then of course they out me as the awful person they know me to be.
They jump right in to the comments and point out that I was a terrible wife, by any standard. That I was drunk a lot of the time, emotionally unavailable all the time, refused to even consider quitting smoking and was generally … shall we say erratic in my behavior, at best.
They then add that you are all complete morons to be deceived by someone like me, and that even though I look really sweet and have a duck on my shoulder, it’s all an act.
Scenario 2. In which I get bawled out and don’t even understand why …
My parents, who hardly ever read this, randomly stop by today and throw a fit, as is their wont, about some tiny, obscure aspect that I never would have even thought of as being problematic or controversial.
Honestly, now that I think about it … I cannot believe that this hasn’t already happened at least a hundred times.
Scenario 3. In which I and everything about me are lame and embarrassing…
Obviously the current girlfriend of my ex (not my ex-husband, I mean the one who broke my heart) is way too cool to ever read this blog or even care, but somehow she hears about it.
And what cracks her up completely is that my ex ever could have been in love with someone as thoroughly square and hopelessly embarrassing as me. And then he tries to explain that I used to be hot and witty and mean but I lost my charm.
How the whole city of Tel Aviv was insanely in love with me, and I rolled filterless cigarettes and got in fights with people and could drink everyone but the Russians under the table. And even some of the Russians.
Then I got hooked on yoga and then became a businesswoman and isn’t it tragic that I suck so much?
And then they share a sweet, existential moment and feel completely sorry for me.
And of course they’re in Paris or Amsterdam or something, leading the kind of cosmopolitan, bohemian intellectual life that I used to live before I became the kind of person who goes to bed at 9pm and keeps a toy duck for company.
I could go on.
Oh, how I could go on. But I won’t. It’s your turn.
I know you’re thinking, this isn’t funny at all. What if these things actually happen?
Well, they might. It’s not all that likely but it could come to pass that one of the made-up things we dread could actually happen.
And if it does, you’ll deal with it. Your readers (because by then you’ll totally have readers) will stand by you. Not just by you but up for you.
You’ll find strength in the people that you are helping, in the ways your words have made a difference. And you’ll remember that anyone who doesn’t get that has bigger issues than just not liking your blog.
You’ll remember that this process of learning to practice vulnerability while still keeping yourself safe is a pretty big deal. That the practice is the thing that sustains you.
It’s the thing that brings you closer to yourself.
And the nice thing about being close to yourself is that it makes it a lot easier to release the need for outside legitimacy (aka to not give a flying fig what anyone else thinks about you).
Easier said than done, yes. But that’s why we’re here.
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Oishkey doishkey Havi! This one is CLOSE to the bone. Whoooo.
I’ve written about just this thing a couple of times lately and found myself wanting to bite my nails (YUK – I hate biting nails) or eat a lot of sweets whilst I feel my tummy twist up in horror at the thought that I’ve just put out on the internet (to thousands of people, because obviously thousands read my blog!) that I’m afraid to feel vulnerable and that I stopped importing my blog onto my facebook (so my friends don’t read it(1)) because of just this.
So to your lovely reader – you’re not alone – *big hug* xx
Caireens last blog post..Process
well… it actually happened to me. a person found my blog, even though i was not using my real name at the time, and left a nasty comment and created a lot of drama about the whole thing. i deleted the blog and decided to use my real name in the new blog. but i lost the motivation to write there, because i can’t be myself if someone i don’t want around me is reading my words, my thoughts, my fears and my paranoias and is using it all to create drama for herself. i’m dealing with it at the moment, journaling and trying to heal before i can be myself in my own blog again.
it’s hard. i still get palpitations when i think of that night, of her phone call, of the panic attack it caused me. i still read and re-read and save for later and end up not publishing about 90% of the posts i write. i’m still dealing with the fact that she is not the only one reading, so why should it matter so much if she is? and it’s stalling me finally going live with my own web site and business blog. but it won’t stop me!
Tatty Franeys last blog post..
I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone has a horrible ex, who, if they read their blog, would freak out and either A) yell at you or B) pity you.
I know I do.
Horrible, Scary Scenario #1:
My abusive ex will find out that I said he was abusive on my blog. Then he will leave me long horrible comments and emails telling me that I am the worst person in the world. And then his step mother, who is the most horrid witch ever I might add, would start emailing me and telling me that I am the scum of the earth and not even worth the air I breathe, and that she is “so hurt and angry that I could ever be so mean to her darling son.” Whom she regularly insults, but heaven forbid if I do it.
Horrible, Scary Scenario #2:
My dad reads my blog. Yells at me for sharing personal details about my life and tells me that I should be ashamed of myself and that I’m a complete and total worthless fool. And that nobody likes me or cares about me. And that I’m a failure.
But for some reason, I keep blogging anyways. Its kind of addictively healing.
Well, Havi, you’re certainly stirring a rather ginormous pot with this stuff about blogging and therapy. You’ve certainly stirred mine.
I stumbled across your blog some weeks ago and have been thoroughly enjoying it. I’ve even posted to the comments (under my super-secret identity, complete with super secret identity-maintaining gmail address).
I like what you have to say. I love the duck. (Our bathroom is currently under the protection of a rubber duck squadron, and thus far they have kept the Whatsits at bay.)
The blogging therapy posts have helped me to refocus and destuckify when it comes to starting a blog (which I intend to make into a small business, a la the example of the Great And Powerful Naomi). Actually, it’s re-starting. The first (again) post came pouring out Saturday and is now live.
So thank you.
Havi, you take my breath away with your uncanny ability to get to the heart of things. And even though you’re talking about blogs and blogging, everything you write about relates to life as we live it, and the things we all face every day.
I wrote my first book as a novel because I couldn’t find a safe way to talk directly about some of the things I’ve experienced, that have shaped my life in significant ways. And because I didn’t want to hurt my family.
My second book, a collection of poetry, was much more direct and personal. Since then, pretty much everything I’ve written has been straight-up non-fiction. And much of it has been broadcast to radio audiences across Canada. Telling the truth is a gift, for me, and for the people who read or hear what I have to say. They write back with such love and gratitude, because my stories echo theirs, and their stories give voice to mine. We share the same grit and grimace, though the details may vary.
So the more I speak my own truth, the more I discover love and connection and seeing and being seen. And the kindness and warmth of hearts like yours.
Blessings of courage to your anonymous writer.
And love and thanks and hugs to you.
Hiro
Hiro Bogas last blog post..Happy Thanksgiving, Baby
I and, it seems, many other people quite like the cheesy, embarrassing yoga person with a toy duck for a friend that you are. π
It’s so nice to know I’m not alone. Your post cut to the bone for me as well but I have to say I was rofl at your description of your old days. I think we cut similar paths except for your exotic locale and drinking Russians under the table. I TRIED. π
My mom reads my blog and loves it so much that I set one up for her.
My number #1 rule is – in a public blog, never write anything I wouldn’t want printed in the local newspaper.
Note I said *public* blog. π There are places you can go to get feedback and be somewhat private (livejournal for instance) that are better suited to journaling and the outpouring of emotions that we sometimes need for healing. Been there.
Ultimately, a blog is public.
It has actually happened to me, about two years ago. I came back from China and my sort-of agent said, “I have good news and bad news.” The good news was Big Publisher related, and the bad news was that I had a “hate blog”. As in a blog out there in cyberland devoted to completely destroying me. People who had never read my blog showed up there, and then came looking at me to pour hate on me… without actually knowing whether or not what they’d read was true.
It even earned me a person so special that she emails me to tell me what a sick and vile human being I am.
My sort-of agent eventually had to wade in for legal reasons, but it was one of those times when you learn how to cope with something, shrug your shoulders and walk away. I didn’t take it well at the time, but looking back it makes me laugh. After all, I’m nobody. What’s the big deal? It’s still bizarre to think there’s somebody out there who for a long time drove herself through the days by hating me. Silly, really.
The abiding lesson was that I really can’t control what others think of me, and that it’s easier to hate somebody else than to look at yourself and sort out your own stuff. So, whenever I find myself really hating somebody, I take a look at me.
Joely Blacks last blog post..Amnar Podcast – Amnar – Chapter 9
@Karen – I’m relieved to know I’m not the only one whose checkered past is rather excessively checkered.
@Brandon – Thank you, my dear, and thank you for making more overtly one of the points that I didn’t emphasize enough in this piece. That by creating a community around you, it becomes a lot easier to not care about a couple of people who don’t get it. That’s the power of this thing.
@Hiro – *blows kiss*
@Christy – The Whatsits! The Whatsits! I like you. Also, I should mention that my father keeps a piece of matzah over the door to keep away demons. Every time I point out that Jews don’t believe in demons, he says “that’s never stopped the demons!” Actually I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that, but look I just did.
Awesome. From now on I will also do things about the Whatsits as well.
@Sarah Marie – I love your blog. As you know. It’s your safe place for YOU.
@Tatty – I am so so sorry, sweetheart. That sucks. Big hug to you. That is really, really hard.
The only other thing I’d say is to take your time and — going at your own, comfortable pace — keep building it as a safe place for you. For YOU.
That means things like comment moderation! Don’t even let mean people find a way through. It also means maybe not talking about some of the more personal stuff until you have built a warm and loving tribe around you to stick up for you and balance out the occasional jerk.
Your blog is a sanctuary. It is YOUR space. You get to decide who gets to hang out there. So you set the energy and the intention. You set up structures and rules to keep you feeling safe and comfortable. You practice reminding yourself that other people’s stuff is just that — THEIR stuff.
And you take your time learning how to feel safe and comfortable in this space.
As you demonstrate that you aren’t afraid to be yourself, othr people will see that they can’t get through to you, and they’ll have to go enact their complicated dramas somewhere else. But in the meantime, take whatever steps you need to help yourself feel safe and supported. LOVE!
@Caireen – Hug to you!
Wow, yeah, maintaining a few personally revealing (yet anonymous) blogs about mothering and then my own bumpy spiritual journey… silently and then not so silently expressing resentment to my husband that he wouldn’t read my blog, then when he did start reading it, wishing he wouldn’t.. (what’s up with *that*?)… I’ve thought a lot about this as well.
Being a bottled up gal in real life for years, finding such freedom in writing this stuff down, but always questioning if I’ve gone over the line.
You know what I love that came out of all this hard and horrible (which I’m so so sorry about)?
“The abiding lesson was that I really can’t control what others think of me, and that it’s easier to hate somebody else than to look at yourself and sort out your own stuff.”
What a HUGE understanding. I mean, what a crappy way to have to learn it, but that is a really big deal.
May we never have to learn it like that, and may we all learn this lesson from your having learned it. That is truth right there.
We can always work on “our stuff” and we can always get better at letting them have their stuff. And boy is it hard. Best life skill ever, though.
Thanks for that!
Okay, number 2 could be me. Are you sure they are your parents? Mine don’t do the internet so that’s pretty safe. But sometimes I think that maybe my parents are right and that OTHER PEOPLE will say those kinds of things about what I write/do just like my mom would. And then I’d be in real trouble because I’m just getting to where I actually think that they way I’ve decided to live my life is okay. It is a good adult life. Not an immature, she’ll grow up and be normal some day kind of life. And it is just my mom and my brother that don’t get it (and maybe my dad but he hides it better). So the fear is that maybe they are right. And that I am immature and just need to grow up and accept that “this is the way the world is”.
JoVEs last blog post..Nutcracker
Hmm let’s see what I’ve got.
Scenario 1
My ex will see it and come to the mistaken conclusion that I’m making lots of money (because that’s what he’s always looking for) and decide to try for alimony. Even worse, he may remember he has a son and decided to try for custody.
Scenario 2
Someone sees it and thinks I’m nuts or wasting my time. Wait a minute…too late for that one already in many directions.
Scenario 3
When I see very personal truths in writing, it means I have to face them. All of them – good and bad. Once it goes online, it is right there. While in most cases this isn’t a big deal, some topics make you walk down roads you are just never ready to tackle.
Scenario 4
You look at your posts and think ‘I’m wasting my time. What am I doing? No one is going to read this, so why open myself up to criticism that I just don’t need right now.” In short, I become my own worst enemy stressing over things I shouldn’t need to.
Scenario 5
Certain people will read it and it will build higher walls, bigger problems, and deeper wounds. It just doesn’t make sense.
I guess that’s what keeps me from getting too personal. I prefer to help others and keep working away at my stuff. I am thinking about writing a book — not to publish, but I think it would be valuable to my son years from now.
It amazes me every day that my ex husband doesn’t come pester me on the blog or Twitter. It probably helps that I think he prefers to live in a world in which I have never existed, so he’s motivated to steer clear.
My boss and my mom both read my blog, which at times definitely shapes what I write about. It’s definitely useful to set up some boundaries about what I will & won’t write about, it just makes the whole thing more comfortable.
Sonia Simones last blog post..Dumb Things Small Businesses Do #6: Ingratitude
I can totally relate to this and this entire blog series, Havi. Keep in mind that it isn’t even exclusive to blogs. I put up a business site and had an old BF from 20 years ago contact me through the contact form. This site didn’t even have MY NAME or ANY personal info on it at the time, and I don’t live his the area or anything anymore….kinda creepy and definitely makes you feel vulnerable.
As for the personal blog, I don’t get REALLY personal, but I don’t post as often as I’d like to, I think, for that very reason. I can also relate to not wanting anyone I know reading it – but strangers are ok – WOW that’s backwards! π
Lisas last blog post..Is Microsoft’s FrontPage Dead?
I’m enjoying this series so much Havi! In my case it’s what if my crazy (no, really crazy, as in not always perfectly controlled schizophrenic) daughter reads my blog? Can’t work out why it’s such a huge issue for me but it is. Makes it hard to really be myself on there, and that gets in the way. Not that I ever really talk about family on there anyway.
I’m sure I’ll get destuckified soon, just got to keep working on it and these posts are a big help. Thanks.
Hi Havi,
This is such a great series and has obviously hit a major emotional cord for people as well as being tremendously helpful! Thank you, as always!!
My story is not about my blog but it is about the risky business of putting yourself out there and the scary that can come from that. In 2001 I created my first website advertising my business as a creativity workshop leader and creativity counselor. I was very proud and happy to have done such a thing and was excited to share this next step in “biggification ( of course that word, sadly, did not exist back then) with the people that I loved.
Because I had been in business for a very long time before creating the website I already had many raving fans and so had quite a few glowing testimonials all over my site. One of the people that I loved was a close friend
I showed her the site and was happily expecting her to appreciate and acknowledge me in a loving and positive way. What she did say was ” Well, I looked at your site and it’s very nice but I was struck by all those testimonials and all the wonderful things that your students and clients had to say about you. You should be careful not to let that go to your head because we know who you REALLY are!”
Ouch, ouch, ouch….. but that hurt! And bad!!! Mostly because this was not coming from an ex-lovers girlfriend who I would assume hated me but from a friend who, until that moment, I believed loved me. It was so out of left field and I had no defenses up for that one so it got in pretty deep and took me a while to heal.
But I was finally able to get that this was all about her stuff and her envy about not being able to get more biggified herself. And I eventually had to distance myself from her because she was never able to cop to what she was doing, which was ultimately a good exercise in self care and self love. And so far, she hasn’t found my blog!
chris zydels last blog post..PAIN FREE CREATIVITY: YOU DON’T REALLY NEED TO SUFFER FOR YOUR ART
I agree – no need to share EVERYTHING.
Also, you can always take something back.
The people who really love you will continue to do so, those who ditch you weren’t worth it after all, eh?
Milena Thomass last blog post..What’s the Big Idea?
I usually don’t post a comment when there is so much comment love going on, but in this case, I’m breaking my own rule. You stunned me (yet again) with the way your honesty struck such a deep chord in me.
I’m having a really rough morning and stopped by deliberately to read something that I knew would encourage me. I’m treading water today in a sea of awareness that I’ve let my business demands upset the balance of self-care in my life. I’m really in touch with my own shortcomings and the reality of my ongoing personality tendencies. What resonated for me is encountering the same kind of raw, honest, no-candy-coating type of awareness that doesn’t even have a single whiff of guilt or judgment. So first, your post helped me to recognize that I’m handling my situation pretty well (as I recognized and admired your ability to be bone honest).
But second, your post also showed me that the benefit of this kind of honesty isn’t limited to a single person’s experience. Your bone honesty here has touched and helped a lot of people. I’m reminded that just by holding my space, I join invisibly with the others who also hold this space and that we hold it for everyone who is reaching for it. That’s a pretty big deal. In the midst of my work-a-day world and deadline mentality, I had forgotten that basic truth. Thanks for reminding me to shift my focus back where it belongs.
Charlene Kingstons last blog post..Twitter For Beginners: The Basics (Part 2)
You have a knack for addressing whatever’s current in my life. Kind of like freemasonry. It’s kind spooky. (Your knack, not freemasonry.)
I’ve already had two people I know find my blog, and I’ve only written three posts. Damn social media. π Still, that’s ok. I’ve made a policy decision to not hide. So I’ll just have to handle it when it comes. It’ll be a healthy adjustment to let myself be seen outside my gang of five.
Course, it’s probably more likely to feel scary than healthy, but then I’ll just run back here and read this again.
Big love.
Kates last blog post..On entrepreneurialism
A version of this happened to me way back in 1996 when I resigned from my executive corporate gig to start my first consulting business. My company asked for a proposal to continue providing some of the services I’d been doing as an employee. I gave them a rockin’ proposal at a GREAT price. On one of my last days at work, my boss called me into his office to discuss the proposal.
He spent the next hour alternating between growling and YELLING at me about what an idiot I was, how my rates were practically extortion, no one would ever hire me, I had no idea what I was doing, that I would be a miserable failure. He even managed to sneak in some particularly nasty comments about why my soon-to-be ex-husband wanted a divorce. And, mark his words, I’d be crawling back within 6 months begging for my job back.
Somehow I just sat there, calmly. When he seemed to have worn himself out, I asked, “anything else?” He shook his head no, and I held my spittle covered head high and walked out of there.
Six months later I snuck up on him at a networking meeting. I tapped him on the shoulder and said “Hi”. He spit his sandwich out. Within another year, I was making twice what he was. Ha!
Know what I learned? At least people telling you how awful you are via the internet and the phone won’t get actual spittle on you.
Didn’t Whitman say each person has many people within? In person I can introduce all these me’s one at a time, and tailor the sequence to the audience. When a new me goes public, all the wrong people meet him, quote him out of context, and the introductions get way out of order. This is a real problem. I guess the classic solution is pseudonyms but who’s got time to track all those passwords?
Bob Steins last blog post..The Most Important Government Job
Ok, I’m in. The dreaded scenarios.
#1 I write a hugely vulnerable post, and everyone I thought was a friend doesn’t get it, hates it, mocks me, and I’m all so very alone… (meep) Everyone in Twitter suddenly unfollows me but still @replies just to let me know how I’m weird and freaky and talk posh and am gross because I’m smart. Everyone unsubscribes from my blogs. No-one replies to my emails. I become ostracised, despised and the only attention I get is to tell me how I suck. The school bell rings and I’m sat eating my lunch on my own. Hang on, I may be having a flashback.
If there’s another one in here, it’s hidden behind that one.
James | Dancing Geeks last blog post..Identification, Self expression, Conformity and a rant
Yikes! “…eating lunch on my own” – yup! I’ll eat lunch with you, James – that way neither one of us has to “look” alone! <3
I’ll jump in:
Scenario #1: My parents (who are pretty Internet savvy, and frequently talk to me on Skype) find and read my blog, and give it the well-isn’t-that-nice-dear treatment. Meaning they’re sort of nonspecifically encouraging, but behind the scenes they disapprove of all my beliefs (which of course permeate the blog). Also, I can’t bear the shame when they discover that I occasionally use naughty words online (which is just like SWEARING in PUBLIC). Not to mention the whole healing from childhood drama thing. Oh man, they could be reading this comment RIGHT NOW. Shit.
Scenario #2: My ex-colleagues (from the Big Important Internet Job I was laid off from when the bubble burst in 2001) swing by to laugh at how pathetic I am after devoting 6 years of my life to my kids. I mean, how could I possibly know anything about the Internet or business, and shouldn’t I stick to wiping noses and finding the best bargains in Dora the Explorer sheet sets?
Scenario #3: Everything that James the Dancing Geek said. Exactly so. Meep.
Wendy Cholbis last blog post..Climbing to the Top of Your Small-Business Tree
Right to the core, indeed!
Scenario 1: That people I (currently or in the future) work with (and for) will read of my struggles with issues that have impacted my performance. The blog is used as proof that I am unprofessional, unintelligent, self-absorbed, and then I am fired. (This applies also to anyone in the department in which I have hopes of pursuing a 2nd M.A. in; instead of firing me they laugh at and reject my application).
Scenario 2: Someone I don’t know uses info from my blog to get to violate my trust, get to know me under false pretenses, etc.
Scenario 3: I come to have kids who grow up, discover my blog, and are embarrassed, ashamed, and lose respect for me.
Scenario 5: I switch careers and become a therapist, and clients find my blog. Then they either stalk me or are negatively impacted by exposure to added, unintended self-disclosures.
Scenario 6: Before even going public with my blog, people read about my blogging fears in a comment and think to themselves that these fears are too realistic and based in the present to not be taken seriously. Or, that I’m paranoid.
It’s true – I thought that once I typed up my own blogging “twisted fantasy” that I would see how silly they are, but they don’t, entirely. In part, they seem like legitimate considerations. Not as reasons to *not* blog, but as considerations to weave into my decision-making process about what to blog about, what not to, and how widely to share it. Definite food for thought… and in a way, harder than simply choosing to either blog or not blog. Yet worth it, I’m sure π
Scenario 3: yes, that’s mine too. But my kids are grown up already. One of them reads this blog (hi, doo. Yes, I know you hate that term of endearment but it keeps your identity hidden).
If I blog about personal stuff, my kids’ll find out things about me they don’t want to know!?
Is there a time for mom (or dad) when it is safe to come clean?
I love Rachael’s point that examining the scenarios doesn’t necessarily make them seem less reasonable. Maybe some of these things are things you need to Take Steps to avoid. Or to be able to respond to.
For example, as I said before, comment moderation. Or having a strategy in place. Like waiting until you have enough loving readers to cheer for you.
Some of you might remember when Naomi’s dad showed up at the Itty Biz blog in the comments saying the meanest, cruelest, most hurtful things ever. We were all there to give her love and encouragement.
If someone walks into your birthday party and has a temper tantrum, they’re the one who looks like an idiot. When it’s just you there, it’s harder to remember that though, yes.
@Shannon – your story: so great. Wow. I am in complete admiration. I would have cried and thrown things, for sure.
There’s a lot more I could say about this but I think ultimately it comes down to how you frame it. In Diana’s example … if you’re imparting something useful and of interest through working through your own patterns, that could be something your kids could appreciate.
If you just want to complain with some friends, then if you know your kids read your blog, that’s probably *not* the place to do it.
In my case, I don’t plan on ever having an employer ever again. It’s definitely possible that a company might consider hiring me as a consultant and then change their mind over something I wrote. But then I get to make fun of them for it on my blog. So it’s a win either way.
With regard to parents and exes and such … will cross those bridges if/when necessary. I’m ready to explain that everything I do and say here is intended to be Useful to the people reading it. And that I appreciate people worrying about me, but what I really need is strength and support and that’s what I want from them. If they can’t give it, then they shouldn’t be reading.
You know, I ignored the people who told me that no one would take me seriously or ever hire me if there was a duck on my website, and that worked out okay too. π
Brilliant post Havi — huge cohonjes you have for sharing your fears, and your brave-but-scared Question Writer’s fears, so we can all face ours.
4 Tips:
Use the DRAFT BUTTON – write it up in draft – and the PREVIEW BUTTON – look at it all nice in the preview screen, maybe print it out, but leave it in draft; it may not require publishing right this minute.
Use the spam blocker/delete comment tools. Don’t like what your ex writers? Delete it. Your blog, your rules.
Use the IP Banning tool. You may still have an email from someone you don’t want leaving comments, so look up the IP address in the email headers, enter it into your dashboard’s banning field, and nothing they ever write from that computer will get into your comments. They may read, but they can’t write on YOUR blog.
Buy a “EASY” button from Staples that they sell for a few bucks. Put it beside your keyboard and hit it whenever you need reassurance that you can do this. It may look hard going in, but after you publish, pushing the “Easy” buttom can release the hard, and reward you for getting though it, toward easier.
Now go read a new blog and comment with support and spread this great good will that Havi stirs up in us — this is what it’s all about. (Thanks Havi.)
Getting myself an Easy button this very afternoon!
Thanks, GirlPie π
Oh, Havi. Wow. Wow. Thank You.
I know this is an old post but I have been traveling most of December and I’m just catching up.
Reading this, as is the case with so much of your writing, just gave me another lightning bolt moment. I just can’t believe how you are able to say things in such a way, it seriously gives me chills. Thank you so much for your incredible openness and honesty.
It’s funny, I can re-trace the exact events that this post set off in my brain:
1) read about your “twisted fantasy” world, which holy crap is a lot like mine
2) instantly think, “well if those people from her past don’t GET what Havi is doing now, then screw ’em, that’s their problem not hers!”
3)
4)
5) Oh! Wait! If I can feel that way about Havi, why can’t I feel that way about myself?
It was like an alignment exercise, but in reverse. And it sneaked up on me.
Havi,
You’re adorable!
Have been using writing as therapy for awhile now. I know it’s helped me. My fear is that it has no value to anyone else and I’ll just embarrass myself. Hence, little of it has seen the light of day.
I too have a pain problem. Have several 3 inch screws and various hinges in my back. I take great inspiration from you working through your pain in your arms.
I’m realizing that this is an old post and there is little hope that you’ll see it. Anyway, it’s in the ether.
Lars
Dear Havi,
I started to read your blog several months ago. And I am really enjoying almost all your posts. Your Blogging Therapy series made a wonderful change in my life, I actually started to write posts on my blog. Thank you very much for it.
But this post made me cry. When I was reading what you are afraid of I just started to cry because it sounded like me, my own fears, like my story but without the happy end yet. And with that difference that I am a mentioned Russian π
Thank you for sharing all these fears of your own. The post like this one makes people like me with a lot of mistakes and embarrassing moments in the past be inspired by your example.
Thank you one more time, and sorry for my English.
I hope you won’t mind if I will translate some of your Blogging Therapy posts to russian readers.
Have a nice day, Have.
Bye.
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