I want to say some thing about the concept of Right People, because I am recognizing that the concept is possibly been misunderstood (hugely) by a bunch of people that I adore.
Which means (for me, at least) that I have not been able to explain it correctly or thoroughly.*
* Consider this an extended version of the definition in the glossary.
So, with your permission, I’m going to try to give the Right People thing some context.
There are no wrong people here.
There just aren’t.
For one thing, there’s no such thing as wrong people. So … someone who is a Tony Robbins right person is probably not my right person, but that doesn’t make them my wrong person. They just wouldn’t come into my orbit.
And someone who is interested in my stuff is, by definition, a right person because right people are people who like me and my duck.
And someone who hangs out in my world and appreciates it is also a right person by definition, because right people are people whom I like too.
Right does not mean “chosen” or “better” or “cooler” or anything-er.
It is meant to imply a comfortable fit. A healthy fit. With a specific thing.
It refers to the idea that everyone should have the right to hang out with people they like and appreciate, who like and appreciate them.
And that everyone should have the right to not have to hang out with shoe-throwers or with people who don’t appreciate and respect them. Unless you like that kind of thing.
If someone throws shoes at you? Not one of your people. The concept of Right People gives you permission to not have to spend time with people who are mean to you.
But the Right People thing is not about being rejected, or about rejecting others.
It is not exclusionary.
If anything, it’s the opposite.
Everyone gets right people. It’s not just some special right people who get right people.
And everyone gets right people who are fabulous. You get right people that you adore. Not right people that you have to settle for. They wouldn’t be very right if you did.
There is absolutely no need to actively exclude people who don’t fit. The idea is that we are naturally drawn to the stuff that speaks to us. So if we aren’t drawn to something, we aren’t being rejected. We’re just being drawn somewhere else.
It’s not about exclusion. It’s about discernment.
When I get excited about Friday, it doesn’t mean that nothing good ever happens on Wednesday. It just means I’m happy about Friday.
When I surround myself with stuff/people/concepts that are loving and supportive, it makes it easier for me to be the kind of person who can have love and support in her life.
It doesn’t mean I have to stop being sarcastic and obnoxious. It doesn’t mean that I have to lose my sense of humor. It just means that I don’t have to have stuff in my life that makes me feel like crap, dammit.
But we can go even deeper into the concept — or definition — of right people, as I understand it.
What I mean by Right People — my definition.
Okay.
Right People = anyone you like and appreciate who likes and appreciates you.
You can be someone’s right person without ever buying from them.
For example, I get to be Victoria‘s right person even though I might not ever hire her as a coach. I’m Victoria’s right person because I believe in her work and I think she’s awesome.
I get to be Ankesh‘s right person even though I might not ever necessarily buy his products. I’m his right person because I admire the hell out of him and because he’s a total mensch.
As far as I know, I’m a right person for you, because if you’re here, it’s pretty likely that I would like you and care about what you do.
And you are all my right people because you connect with some aspect of what I talk about or what I do. But it goes even deeper than that.
Layers of right people.
I totally believe that everyone has right people, even if they haven’t found any of them yet.
I also believe that everyone has enough right people in the world to support them and their thing.
IMPORTANT! This does not mean that the people who can’t support your thing right now don’t get to be your right people.
They’re still the right fit. They’re just not at the very center of that support structure.
When I look at my life — the sovereign queendom of me and all of my me-ness — there is room for my closest friends and allies, and there is room for people I care about but don’t get to hang out with that often.
And when I look at my business — the kingdom of The Fluent Self — there is room for my regular clients, for the people in my Kitchen Table program, my Friday Chickeneers and all of my Beloved Lurkers.
Not everyone in the kingdom is going to buy my stuff or hire me. Or even let me know of their existence. And it doesn’t matter. Because they get touched by the stuff I do.
There will always be a cluster closer to the center of the kingdom where the action is. Where all the support structures are.
And some people will be closer to the center. And some people will be more at the outskirts. And some people will wander in between. It’s all fine. Because they are all — every single one — my Right People.
Right people does not mean homogenization.
Because right people doesn’t refer to any one specific quality or characteristic.
It’s not like “oh, my right people are over six feet tall and like pistachio ice cream”. Or that they have a certain type of thing or a certain personality.
It’s about resonance and zing. Zing!
Sure, my right people tend to be bright, thoughtful, insightful, sensitive and goofy.
But probably a lot of them don’t necessarily self-define that way at all. Selma and I don’t collect right people based on type. There is room for all kinds of right people among my right people.
Why Right People is not about rejection.
Because life is not high school. There aren’t any cool kids.
Naomi and I aren’t the cool kids. Mark and Jen aren’t the cool kids.
There are no cool kids. There are just people. Who have their own groups of right people.
And you get to belong anywhere where you feel safe and supported.
And you get to choose who gets to belong with you, and help them feel safe and supported.
The whole point of right people and red velvet ropes and such is to make it easier on you to welcome in the kind of people that you like being around.
And to make it easier for the kind of people who might throw shoes (or just not get you) to quietly find their way to their own right place, instead of judging you for being you.
No, seriously. Life is not high school.
Life is not high school. Business is not high school. Nothing that happens is high school.
Except, of course, for high school.**
** And those of us who need to spit on those memories can do so now..
Whatever is reminding you of how things were in high school is just that. A reminder that you have patterns. A reminder that you have stuff.
It’s not the same experience. It’s the same emotional charge, but it’s not the same experience.
It’s a new experience, filtered through old stuff that thinks it’s seeing something familiar.
Right People is a way to find comfort
Before I had the concept of right people, it was really easy to feel annoyed and upset with people I didn’t like.
I’d think about other biggifiers like, say, Tim Ferris, and find myself wanting to kick them in the shins for making the people I care about feel bad about themselves.
Once I realized that hey, I’m just not one of his people, I didn’t have to hate on him anymore. In fact, recognizing that made it possible for me to relax and get something good out of what he teaches.
I didn’t like the way he presented the concept. It wasn’t my style. But the result? Brilliant.
So instead of wishing someone else were different than the way I want them to be, the concept of Right People makes it a lot easier for me to just let them be the way they are.
And to trust that the people who need that message in that form will get it. And the people who need my message in my form will get it.
There’s more room that way. There’s more room for everyone. Right People is about breathing room.
It’s about not having to resent people because they’re doing something that isn’t a good fit for you.
It’s about turning around and saying: Hey, it’s my life and I’m allowed to hang around people who get me, dammit.
And yet again, this is really long.
So I’m going to stop here.
But I hope some of this is helping. That it’s clear that having right people doesn’t make you a jerk.
And that discernment is a useful practice.
And that you are welcome here by virtue of the simple fact that you like being here.
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Thank you so much! I get it now! Thank you for making clear every question I had about this “Right People” business.
.-= Bridget´s last post … Dark and Light- The Turkey Variety =-.
All I have to say is, *thank goodness* life and business aren’t high school! It’s interesting to remember though that when things feel like high school, it’s a sign that old patterns are popping up. Cool beans <-something I said a lot in junior high. 🙂
.-= leah´s last post … Recycled Ornaments =-.
I’m a bit of a weirdo in that I believe that every person I’m with is a direct reflection of a piece of myself. If you know yourself or work at knowing yourself, you will find that you are with the “right” people. You will be good to them; they to you.
The “right” person is too narrow of an idea. It is only an idle adjective. It should be a verb, a process of finding the “right person” (e.g. finding the right “you”).
Ok, I’ll shut up now because this is probably making no sense.
.-= Lydia, Clueless Crafter´s last post … Don’t Be Tardy for the Party =-.
This post actually helps me understand why the concept of Right People instantly resonated with me. Unlike a lot of people I was lucky enough to have “right people” in high school. I was a complete geek and sooo not part of the in-crowd (or any outer ring thereof). But through some miracle I found my two best friends, who completely understood me. We never got invited to parties, or dated, and we weren’t in the brainiac crowd either. We were total dorks, but at least there were three of us. We’d cut class and go hang out at the park, climbing on rocks and talking about life.
High school was still not that fun, but I had my right people, so the fact that I didn’t fit in where I “should” never bothered me as much as it might have otherwise. Having truly “right people” also helped me to resist the temptation to try to morph into whatever was needed to fit into any particular group.
I’m realizing this experience left a deep impression on me. It occurs to me that this is a pattern that really, really *works* for me. Always has 🙂
I’m also connecting this to business on an even deeper level, and realizing that we ALL deserve this sort of protection and comfort.
.-= Eileen´s last post … The Human Filter =-.
Brilliant.
I’ve struggled with the Right People concept. Actually, it was more like a kickboxing match where I was trying to wrestle, but… whatever.
I’m starting to feel that my right people are like my family. We don’t all like to watch football on Sunday, but we can hang in the same house and eat junk together.
It helps when I think of it in those terms because it keeps me from trying to mold them into the people I “need” them to be and lets me enjoy them for being the different people they are.
Good work Havi, I see confusion about this so often. I have sympathy for the confused because their confusion is often grounded in old stories (high-school stories, probably) about rejection and exclusion. But once you embrace the idea that there are plenty of amazing people around, more than enough for us all to find our right people, then those old stories start to lose their bite.
If reading someone’s blog makes you feel at home, like you’ve finally found someone who thinks, writes and talks like you – get in touch with them. Connect with the people to whom you are drawn and you’ll find your right people.
Thanks Havi!
.-= Marianne´s last post … What do you need more of? Are you ready to give yourself that gift? =-.
I need to chime in and say woohoo for life not being high school. 😉 It’s interesting because I loved the concept of right people before you explained it more. But now it has even more nuances. Like there are different levels of support you can provide for people, but they are still all your right people. I like that.
And yes, I can see how right people and excluding others might come to mind. It’s easy to fall into that pattern. Though honestly I tend to have problems more on the other end of the spectrum, where I think everyone HAS to be my right people. Which is clearly not the case. 🙂 Thank goodness!
.-= Nathalie Lussier´s last post … Raw Christmas Dessert Recipe: Meet The Raw Snowman =-.
Havi, this is beautiful – and I want to hug you! But first I have to tell you that I read the notice at the end of the post – where other posts that resonate are listed — and I read: “How not to write my duck a check.”
even though you clearly wrote:
“How not to write my duck an email.”
And I’m glad I read it wrong, because it would upset me to know that people were writing bad (or weird) checks to Selma, she doesn’t deserve that!
Everything you said in this post is fantastic – and this part in particular went STRAIGHT to my heart:
“Everyone gets right people. It’s not just some special right people who get right people.”
thanks so much for writing this!!!!!
.-= Square-Peg Karen´s last post … Catching Up With #Best 09 =-.
Thank you, Havi for adding to your definition of ‘right people’. I have to say that actually your using this term is one of the first things that made me realize that I might just be Lurking on one of my first blogs that felt like home.
I got it and I especially got that there ARE right people for every single person out there.
So thank you. Thank you.
@Lydia, the clueless crafter I totally get what you shared about seeing a piece of yourself in every person that you are with. Resonates so strongly with what I think about and how I work through my stucknesses around relationships.
Thank you for sharing this. I have visited your blog once or twice…I will be visiting more often.
@Marianne “If reading someone’s blog makes you feel at home, like you’ve finally found someone who thinks, writes and talks like you – get in touch with them. Connect with the people to whom you are drawn and you’ll find your right people.”
Sooo true…I am making the commitment to check out even more blogs than I already do…looking for more places that feel like home. Thank you, Marianne.
@havi Thank you for creating one of the places I feel at home! (my eyes fill with tears as I write this)
.-= Maya Zaido @animalswisdom´s last post … A True Heart & The Trash Compactor =-.
Hm. In the minority again… I understood the concept of Right People completely the first time I heard Havi say it, because it simply gave a name to a thing I already knew.
But I too had a tough time in high school, so I’m not in the minority in all things.
.-= Carol Logan Newbill @2fishweb´s last post … Friday 5 #1 =-.
I think it may be time for a post wherein you attempt to explain why ANYONE would want to attend a high school reunion. It sure sounds like most of us don’t have fond memories, and (unless I’d just captured BigFoot or won the Lottery) I don’t really imagine that I’d have a great time.
In fact, I’m a little suspicious of people over 30 who can actually remember most of the people they were in high school with.
In terms of right people, I still struggle, despite your excellent attempt to shine more light on the subject. I often work with clients who really don’t know that they need what I have — until I’ve completed my work and they start shouting superlatives. (Like many of you, I’d imagine.)
Much of my work is kind of “dumbing down” what I do, and not really telling the whole, complete truth about what’s going to happen — because if people realized what I was up to they’d just KNOW it wouldn’t work and I’d spend hours arguing with them.
Most of the folks who are really comfortable around my strange ideas are usually employing them already, and don’t really need me.
.-= Dick Carlson´s last post … I Need More Noise, Please! And Random Conversation! And Distractions! =-.
-ptooey- (spits on high school.)
Thanks so much for this, Havi. When I first heard about your right people concept, it was already hugely comforting to me.
I’ve never had a large number of right people (especially not in high school), and thinking about it this way really alleviated the guilt of feeling like I had to work constantly to turn not-right-people into sort-of-awkwardly-right-people, who I still wished I didn’t have to spend so much time with.
Now I can just feel immensely grateful for the few awesomely, effortlessly right people I have at the moment.
.-= Aurora´s last post … Why I love Taylor Swift: a call to radical optimism =-.
My Right People aren’t better Right People, just different Right People. (Pardons to Neale Donald Walsch)
Oddly enough, I went to school with a bunch of folks who were my ‘right people’ and so don’t have the horror stories of many folks. I have a theory that because it was a HS for the visual and performing arts, the folks who ended up there were the ones who wouldn’t have fit in very well at a ‘normal’ school, and so it was a very inclusive community. So I get it about finding our right people.
For me, the key point is that whoever you are, you have right people. It gets easier and easier to find them the more you can bring your real self (or selves!) out to play.
.-= Liz´s last post … Give yourself some room… =-.
Very nice. I love the ‘right people’ concept. Yes, there are right people for everyone.
I love this: “Right People is about breathing room.”
Yes, room for everyone. And room to just pass on what doesn’t suit, or doesn’t resonate. The world is big enough for all. Awesome stuff.
If we didn’t love you and your ways stuff simply wouldn’t come up at all would it? Well as a discerning little outsider like me there aren’t many groups I crave to be part of and I am triggering all over the place as a result. (Embarrassing but a strangely good sign in a way.)
So yay to dealing with the stuff as always. Hugs to our inclusion/exclusion grips and gremlins.
Thanks for the post Havi & Selma! Resonates lots!
Mwuah!
x
eeeeyoooo I mean GRIPES…pls send me a Can Spell Fairy
x
A propos of nothing: I was insanely happy in high school.
I’ve found the world since, um, a little more demanding, a lot less welcoming. Horrid behavior abounding.
Consequently, I’m stronger now, though not as much as I’d hope.
.-= Mark V. McDonnell´s last post … Four Steps to Sports Success – What to strive for in training =-.
Havi, thank you so much for all your Right People explorations. I brunched my first program yesterday (a what to do when the shoes are flying program, with a special guest spot by our own Andrew Lightheart )and I am just feeling SO happy.
My list is small, the program will be small, but it just doesn’t matter. In fact it’s wonderful. I’m starting to give what I have to give and I know my People will keep growing in number over time.
So thank you so much. Your insights truly are a big part of why I’m basking in joy right now instead of nattering over dollars and numbers.
<3 Mahala
.-= Mahala Mazerov´s last post … This is how it feels =-.
I define my version of Right People as: the people to whom I don’t have to explain myself. Example of Not-Right People: “So — are you going to visit your family over the holidays? No? Well, why not?? Do they live too far away? Do you at least send them presents? Doesn’t it make you sad to spend the holidays by yourself?”
Right People: “So — are you going to visit your family over the holidays? No? Hey, it’s cool. Whatever you do, I hope you have a great time!”
My Right People wouldn’t flinch if I said that over the holidays I was doing any of these things: scuba-diving, dyeing my hair purple, volunteering, etc. Even if they personally hated scuba-diving, they could be cool with it for me. Likewise, I’d support them in whatever non-scuba-diving activity they were going to do. Like Willie Hewes said: “The world is big enough for all.”
I’m not one of your right people. I don’t get the duck thing and the made up words totally rub me the wrong way.
But reading about right people and red velvet ropes (even though I cringe through half the post… It’s just one guy! what?!) helps me get better at knowing my right people and setting up my red velvet ropes, and for that I’m appreciative that you so totally know who you and your people are.
@Bonni – that’s a terrific definition. Even if they hated scuba-diving, they could be cool with it for me. It’s that feeling that someone gets it and can give you room to be you in a supportive way, even if it’s not their thing. Love.
@Dick – I get that. And really, nothing wrong with sneaking in your truth either. It’s like what yoga teachers do when they hide bits of wisdom in the description of how a physical pose works.
It’s not for everyone, but neither is being as you as you can as loud as you can. So I’d say, do what seems to work and experiment.
@Sparky Firepants (Mr. Pants!) – “like a kickboxing match where I was trying to wrestle” … I feel like I was there. Also the eating junk together analogy is pretty perfect.
I adore your people. And not just because I’m one of them.
@Lydia – Not even slightly weird. That squares pretty well with what I believe too. I definitely don’t mean right as in “mr. right” or anything like that. And if it could be a verb, that would be awesome.
Your definition works for me completely. And of course you can invent your own words for it — no need to use mine if they don’t do it for you.
@Karen – oh definitely do not write my duck a check. They always talk down to her at the bank. It’s all very awkward. *blows kiss*
Have to say–your Right People always reminds me of L. M. Montgomery’s Kindred Spirits. 🙂
.-= Blue´s last post … More on “Excellence” =-.
Hey Havi,
I have been a lurker (but perhaps this is the beginning of venturing out of the blogsphere shadows).
It seems that your concept of “right” people parallels my idea of “my” people.
For a pretty whopping chunk of my life I have felt that not connecting with someone made me a bad/unaccepting/unopen person rather than just being a neutral occurance – an inevitable happening. I felt that I needed to manipulate my mind/behaviour/values to force a connection and this left me feeling depleted, compromised, and frankly, like crap.
I am finally beginning to feel differently.
I am now coming to feel that decirnment in the people I surround myself with reflects the positive value I place on my own “me-ness”.
It’s a start, I think.
Thanks for a very well-articulated post
@Blue — that is my understanding, too!
Thanks, Havi, for the deeper explanation of Right People. It makes me realize I did understand the first time I encountered the phrase.
And thanx to your site I have come across the book Nonviolent Communication. Am reading it now. Have much to learn, and integrate into my life.
Well, let me just say: Give me your tired, your poor, your nerds, your geeks, your dweebs, your “nice guy but keeps to himself”‘s(es?).
We’re all puzzles missing pieces. Sometimes other people’s pieces just… fit. With me mostly it’s the odd-shaped pieces that I appreciate because those are the kinds of openings I have. (Accepting my own weirdnesses makes me admire other people’s eccentricities all the more. Maybe that’s while I like Philip Glass songs? Oh, and haiku. Does Selma know any duck haiku?)
Or maybe it’s like parts in a musical. You know, how some melodies can be annoying as hell by themselves but magically become wonderful when sung the right way by (wait for it…) the right people?
Sometimes the best are the people you start thinking aren’t your Right People because they’re so different from you and then you discover that they’re actually Just Like You Only Different and you think Wow, I never would’ve known, you know? And then you discover there’s this whole other way of seeing and thinking about the world you never experienced before.
Love you, Selma, and Stu… Happy !
Eh, high school wasn’t so bad. Junior high, on the other hand…*shudder*
For me, one of the most compelling aspects of having Right People is the idea that everyone doesn’t have to be one of my Right People. It is truly okay if some people don’t resonate with me and the things that matter to me. For one such as I, who spent far too many years thinking that everyone had to like me, that’s liberating.
I also believe that everyone has enough right people in the world to support them and their thing.
What a lovely thing to believe. I believe I’ll choose to believe that, too.
.-= Kathleen Avins @spiralsongkat´s last post … If blogging can be therapy, can it also be triage? =-.
I appreciate the elaboration on the lack of wrong people. It really does make it feel more comfortable for me. Although I do sort of enjoy the freedom of recognizing that I don’t have to appeal to everyone, and that not everyone will be a Right Person. Still, there’s a fundamental difference between excluding someone, and recognizing they’re not a good fit.
And I can’t imagine that anyone wouldn’t love Selma. 🙂
.-= Amber´s last post … The Decline of Babywearing =-.
Havi, your post made me realize that being able to find one’s right people (no matter how numerous, could be just one right person) is a huge gift. This beautiful sense of of clicking and connecting – it supports and nourishes the soul!
I like the idea of right people. Not sure entirely how to find mine but I know who mine are NOT. The people I want to work with have the nounce to learn to listen to their own self wisdom and not to grasp at solutions ‘outthere’. Interestingly my right people clarification came when I took a workshop and thought ‘Yikkes these are not my right people – get away – get away !’
I have to say I perhaps prefer the term ‘my tribe’…
.-= creativevoyage´s last post … Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens =-.
“Once I realized that hey, I’m just not one of his people, I didn’t have to hate on him anymore. In fact, recognizing that made it possible for me to relax and get something good out of what he teaches. ”
Totally resonate with this idea…some of the people I learn from I don’t resonate with, but their ideas are what I am after. Then others are “right people” whose ideas and life vibe both work for me. Or maybe I don’t love their ideas, but the vibe is good. There are lots of ways to connect with right people.
I think we often find ourselves looking for what is missing, lacking or “wrong” with another person or idea, rather than finding the right in it. Thanks for spreading positive thinking!
.-= Susan´s last post … Mental Health Treatment or Disney World? =-.
I don’t mean to suggest that your Right People are only from the rich, democratic, luckier part of the world and that you disregard existing inequalities, but still…
I think there always are people somewhere who for various reasons *settle for* a less-than-ideal solution. Because to do otherwise means making sacrifices they are either not willing or capable of making… How about for instance a woman who was married off at age 15 and has 10 children by the age of 30? Pretty hard to expect her to start practising sovereignty when such a concept is totally beyond the world view that prevails in her community…
.-= Johanka´s last post … LeWeb’09 – danah boyd o zviditel?ování neviditelného =-.
@Kathleen – what you say there about the fact that not *everyone* has to like you really resonates with me. That’s something I struggle with a bit, and I like the Right People idea as a reminder that actually it’s OK not to get along with (or just not to click with) some folk.
I find myself wondering, though – what happens if things change and people move around a bit and your Right People gradually aren’t entirely your Right People any more? I mean, in one sense I guess that’s OK and sometimes everyone just has moved on. But there’s a value to time and loyalty and so on as well.
.-= Juliet´s last post … Letting go =-.
Thanks for this post! One of a couple I’ve read recently that got me thinking about “right” and “wrong” people in our lives – wrote about it at Brave New Traveler, http://www.bravenewtraveler.com/2009/12/16/the-right-stuff-should-you-only-have-good-people-in-your-life/.
@Johanka: my take on that is that you give people what you have to give in the form that you can give it.
Because otherwise thinking about all the people in the world and what they need can end up being so paralyzing that you end up not giving anything at all.
So you’re absolutely right — we can’t help everyone. And we can’t even make it accessible to everyone. And it’s sad and hard when we can’t.
We do what we can and hope/pray for the best.
The thing I keep practicing is to get better at trusting that some of the people that get touched by what I teach will be able to translate those concepts or ideas into action and doing — in different parts of the world and in different situations for different people.
My job is to diffuse the wisdom that I have received, in my voice, to the people that are in the right place to receive it from me in that voice.
That’s what I can do, while maintaining structures and boundaries that keep me supported. Because if I don’t, I can’t help anyone.
And that would be even more of a tragedy.
###
@Juliet – Oh, sweetie. Hug. I look at it this way …
Things *will* change.
That doesn’t mean though that your right people will necessarily move on. They’re there for YOU and for the you-ness that comes through what you do.
So if I stopped blogging about patterns, stuckification and mindful biggification, and decided I wanted to go back to being a yoga teacher, some people would leave.
But a lot of people would keep hanging out here because they would want to be around me. And they’d know that I would still be talking about the same essential concepts. So they’d come for a dose of Havi.
Your thing may change, but the people who need a dose of Juliet will keep wanting a dose of Juliet. They will be ridiculously happy when you are around.
And anyone who doesn’t appreciate a good dose of Juliet once in a while doesn’t get to be one of your right people — they’re someone else’s right people.
You’re human, which means you’re a dynamic, changing being in all sorts of dynamic, changing processes. So our circle of right people is always changing slightly in reaction to that.
But the essence of you will stay. Which means that most of your people will stay.
And new right people will show up to take the place of anyone who wasn’t really all that right, or who isn’t a good fit for where you are now.
So things will always change some. And at the same time, the essence of you is the essence of you. And that’s what your people will care about.
Hope that helps!
@Laine – I’m glad you know what you like and what you don’t like. And that reading this has helped.
And:
I know so many amazing people who get completely paralyzed when they try to write and just censor themselves to death. It’s kind of tragic.
And they don’t want to speak in their own voice mostly because they’re afraid of getting a comment like the one you left here.
Personally I’m okay with people not loving my thing. I know they’ll find their way to whatever is their thing and take from it what they need, which is what you’re doing and that’s great.
At the same time, I feel genuinely anxious when I think about my people reading your words, and then clamming up on their own blogs and in their own writing in response, because I need to know that my people are going to feel safe and supported in everything they do.
Your comment is definitely a living example of how even a not-especially-right person can get something useful from our work, and I can appreciate that.
And at the same time, there’s a way we are around here. I would describe that way as being oh, generally mensch-like. Part of that includes not throwing shoes.
Because it’s something we agree not to do. It doesn’t matter if they’re tiny baby shoes that don’t hurt — it’s the act of the throwing itself that is not okay.
Establishing your own boundaries is just more useful than testing other people’s. And a great place to do that is on your own blog.
The Twitter version of all this? Olympia Dukakis said it beautifully and without a hint of malice in Moonstruck: “Don’t shit where you eat.”
Thanks. The comment that life is not high school made me high five you in my mind. I wish deeply and truly that more people would get that high school was then, this is now, and it really isn’t the same thing.
I could rant about it, even. But I won’t. Because you get it. And I get it. And more and more people get it all the time. And that makes it good.
Thanks, Havi. I “got” what right people were but even so, the topic is the right thing right now for me. The right people thing goes both ways; we’re not just your right people if we like and appreciate what you do, but you can be one of our right people too.
.-= Terry Heath´s last post … Is Your Blog Making You an Information Middleman? =-.
When I read @Blue’s comment, I realized why the concept of Right People made so much sense to me – because it did remind me of Kindred Spirits. I’ve read those books so many times that that concept seems so natural (and perfect).
.-= Elizabeth´s last post … look at me =-.
I stumbled upon this and I’m glad I did. What you had to say reminds me of the quote by Dr. Suess “Be who you are and say what you mean, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”. I’ll have to ‘stumble’ back more often!
I’m in agreement with Kathleen on this. I’m so happy that I can finally stop worrying about everyone liking me that I feel like I can finally exhale. Not everyone is my right people. YAY!
I just have to be me enough that my right people can find me.
I feel like this is good job or relationship advice as well. You don’t need a million job offers or dates – just one with the right company or person that really gets the real you.
.-= Tami´s last post … Yoga+Music365 (day2) – Furr by Blitzen Trapper =-.
This quickly become one of my favorite ideas of yours. To show how deeply this idea struck a chord with me consider this paragraph from reading for one of my graduate courses in computer programing:
Immediately upon reading that last line I wrote the following note in the margin: It’s your velvet ropes, attracting your right people..
I also realized for, while writing this post, that for a month I’d been writing about velvet ropes in the context of playing D&D, specifically how those of us in the hobby need to encourage better manners in order to draw more adults to the hobby. It’s about more than your right people idea, but certain I can see where by just conducting yourself in a certain way in order to attract certain people was influenced by you.
I guess this is a long thanks for an idea that is going a lot more places than I expected.
.-= Herb´s last post … Two TARGA Ideas =-.