A client of mine has been going through a hard.
Some seriously menacing dragons showed up in her space to breathe fire at her. And they wouldn’t let her build a castle.
It was crappy.
We decided that we would outwit the video game by not doing any of the normal things (i.e. panicking, running away, being paralyzed with fear, pouting, raging, yelling, fighting, etc).
We would subvert the tired fight-vs-flight dichotomy by choosing none of the above.
And we decided to consciously, intentionally walk in a new direction until the perfect spot for her new bad-ass castle revealed itself.
Anyway. I am of the opinion that this (extremely hard and not fun) situation is sure to become one of her crucial turning points.
So now I’m thinking about turning points.
Except that turning points are so often easier to see in retrospect.
When you’ve gone far enough past them that you can see where and how the turning happened.
So I thought we could try to pinpoint some of the turning points in my own business, and maybe we’ll be able to reverse-engineer some bits of usefulness.
Maybe.
The first point of turning.
Not getting the domain I wanted! Drama!
You can read about this in How The Fluent Self Got Its Spots.
There were two turns in this one.
The first was consciously deciding that I was not going to do the usual thing and be pissed off at the world about the unfairness of it all. And instead I was going to find something that worked better.
This felt very weird and uncomfortable and not me. But also open. Full of possibility.
And the second turning was the way not getting the thing I wanted turned out to be the best thing ever.
Because now I get to be the pirate queen of The Fluent Self, Inc, most fabulous ship on the high seas. With a duck. Take that!
As opposed to being the duck-less president of a super-boring thing whose name is too embarrassing to ever be mentioned.
My own turning points …
Here are the ones that come to mind when I think about how my business has grown and transformed over the past five years.
And please bear in mind, this stuff was hard and frustrating and took time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Etc.
Bringing Selma into the business.
I don’t remember exactly when I stopped hiding the fact that yeah, I have a duck.
But I do remember the concerned expressions of the expert-ey people who said or implied that it didn’t look professional
Which, at the time, was my biggest nightmare.
Apparently, there are people who believe that if you want to make money, you can’t tell the general public that your business partner is a toy.
Pfffffft. Selma is hardly a toy. So I didn’t listen to them. That turned out to be a good thing. A really good thing.
For one thing, Selma is the best red velvet rope ever. And I probably wouldn’t have ended up on the front page of the New York Times Style section without her either.
Signing up for my first class.
When I first started my business, I had no money.
So any business advice I got was gleaned from newsletters and articles and any freebie resources I could get my hands on.
And after a while this became a matter of pride. Like, why would you pay for help when it’s all over the internet?! And anyway, everything I made was being invested back into my business.
When I finally took a class (with Andy, who is brilliant and wonderful and hysterically funny), I realized how stupid this was.
First of all, taking classes is investing in your business. Second, you make connections in classes that change everything. Third, the best way to learn how to run your own online programs (and how not to) is to take someone else’s.
Fourth, you meet biggified people who will later give you testimonials for your stuff.
Launching my first product.
Not that it made any money for a while.
Because it took its sweet time before we got to the point where product sales were paying my salary.
But because having products made me look crazy biggified. And all sorts of useful things came out of that. Wish I’d done it sooner.
Cutting out workshops.
When I started my business, it was based on live teaching and private coaching.
So I was constantly in the process of setting up workshops, teaching workshops, recovering from workshops.
I had to do them, since they were awesome. And since that’s how I got clients.
But it was exhausting. And at a certain point I decided we had to take a break. And that Selma and I wouldn’t do live teaching again until we were famous and people were standing in line to do a class with us.
And that’s what happened. Good decision.
Getting on Twitter.
I was hugely resistant to this one.
But about two and a half years ago, someone talked me into it.
And thank god for that. Because it’s my favorite bar.
And because it’s the magical place where I never talk about business but where most of my business comes from. Crazy and wonderful.
I’m @havi. Say kazoo!
Starting the blog.
That was two years ago. And it was the smart thing to do .
Thank you.
Dropping the noozletter.
I really dreaded writing the noozletter.
And I didn’t like having a list. And all the pressure to have it and build it and do things with it.
Not having one went against every piece of business advice I’ve ever been given, but I just didn’t care anymore.
Anyway, I don’t have a list. And we still make a very good living.
Rock on.
Email sabbatical.
Born of desperation, it was hard and frustrating. And pissed some people off.
But my life is seven thousand times better now. So yay.
Okay, figuring out what these turning points have in common.
Reverse-engineering time.
Or at least looking at the elements.
Here’s what I see. They include:
- that moment of realizing that I’ve been wrong about everything.
- permission to follow a want
- permission for the want to be stronger than things like say, common sense, or what everyone else is telling me to do.
- connection over isolation
- but also removing myself from situations that are painful or uncomfortable
- safety and sanctuary
- sovereignty
And … where to go from here.
I don’t know if it’s useful to know that a pivot is happening as it is happening.
I don’t know if we need to necessarily be able to recognize the turns.
But I do think it’s useful to play with the elements.
Because I’m planning on taking many more turns. And I’m planning on these turns getting easier.
More smoothness. Less agonizing. More effortlessness. Less questioning. More fun. Less predictability.
Anyway, I hope some of this is helpful.
And I hope that some of your dragons turn into helper mice.
And that you see turning points everywhere.
Follow
Havi, the interesting thing about turning points is that they are like bends in a river. They may look like right turns, or even about turns, until you get an aerial view. Then, they’re simply part of the river’s flow.
It always astonishes me how every single thing I’ve ever done in my life has nurtured the whole of my life. Even when the thing seemed to leave me stranded in an eddy, spinning around and going nowhere, or left me breathlessly riding rapids with the world around me reduced to flying froth and spray.
It’s valuable to look back and see the river we’ve each navigated; to revisit those moments of choice, and discover that your intuition, your desires, your inner urge to go THIS way rather than THAT way were trustworthy after all.
I think the biggest lesson for me has been learning to trust myself, and to trust that the seemingly random turns and bends and pivots in my life are organically part of the river’s flow. That they have meaning, purpose and my soul’s intentions guiding them.
Thank you for this wonderful post. Off to ponder…
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Going Away =-.
Reverse engineering! I adore reverse engineering! In Alterna-world, I am sure I am a Reverse Engineer, where I say everything backwards and wear a hard hat with a floodlight on it.
It is great to hear all your turning points (though I can’t see you as a duckless president of a boring anything). It heartens me to do things like not have a real list. Or a noozletter. Or do anything I don’t damn well feel like doing.
Kisses!
.-= Amna´s last post … The dignity of certain futile acts =-.
I just wrote a post about my own dragons this morning. Thank you for posting this, Havi. And I can’t really imagine you without Selma. Just doesn’t feel right.
@Hiro I totally get that about everythign leading the now. every step just seems to slot into place with the next few opportunities and allow me to build 🙂
.-= Rose´s last post … Monsters at the Launch Party =-.
Turning dragons into helper mice ~ hmmm. I think this can be done for *my* dragons with a crown of daisies (seriously, that’s what they said). Off to ponder.
I love the idea of Reverse Engineering… so many moments in my life, most of which were full of hard, have led me to where I am now. I wouldn’t trade now for anything, and yet at the time I’m sure I wanted anything other than what I was going through!
As Hiro says, it’s all bends in the river, leading to now. Perhaps if I look at what it was about those bends that led to the good parts of now, I can encourage more such bends… or at least, use them as reminders of how the hard can lead to good.
.-= Heidi´s last post … My tiny- sweet thing =-.
I want to be a Riverboat Captain! With a captain’s hat and a magic steering wand powered by Intuition! Most captains don’t have wands, but that’s why so many ships run into things.
.-= Kelly´s last post … What is Headline Jeopardy- please =-.
Havi! 🙂
Turning points…. My most recent, I was well aware of- seemed like I was digging in hard with a paddle to turn my canoe- putting on the brakes with lots of effort and various spinning-off eddies…not knowing my new heading, lots of effort just to bring myself to a full stop, then ascertaining my situation previous and possibly future…
Currently, I’m looking at the coastline, deciding what looks like a promising spot for a portage for the next lake… Then, it’ll be back to paddling, gliding up to momentum… Humongous hugs-
Reporting from an Internet cafe on the edge of the boundary waters canoe area wilderness ( could you tell? : D )
Big hugs for your client.
I agree with Hiro. Super-valuable to look back and validate where your intuition said, Starboard to Port! and where you chose to listen to your most wise counsel (which also happens to be yourself), because that makes hearing that inner voice easier next time, and less scary to take its thoughts (your thoughts) into account.
When I’ve noticed my turning points during the fact, it’s felt like “Oh…no…I’m turning!” so I don’t know that it’s helpful. Maybe.
I like open waters, not windy rivers. But that might just be a preference.
.-= Bridget´s last post … Shiva Nata A-Ha and a Dignity of Dragons =-.
Permission!
Smoothness!
Helper dragons!
My monsters consistently say that anything easeful, anything that follows my inclination rather than sound advice from an authority, can’t be allowed. You consistently say the opposite. I like this 🙂
.-= Lean Ni Chuilleanain´s last post … A Girl’s Best Friend =-.
Heck. YES.
Isn’t it common sense got us all into this mess?
Oy.
Better to avoid common sense and use Higher Self Sense instead.
My partner and I are on the cusp of a business that feels so right, but goes against so many pieces of business advice out there.
Whatever. We’re doing it. Live and learn baby.
Cheers to writing a post – again – that speaks to my heart.
To pioneering and succeeding!
(Gosh – why do I always end my comments by toasting something?) *Shrug*
Sometimes my turning points are more like jumping off a cliff and diving deep into the ocean. (Just sayin’)
At least there is an ocean (and not Road Runner splatting in a dessert.)
And good thing I can swim. (Although sometimes I do wish I’d slow down and look for a path or stairs. Or a parachute.)
@Hiro – well said. Every step (or dive) leads to where we are now.
p.s. I just had a lovely thought – a wee tiny voice in the back of my head just chirped up: “You don’t need a parachute, apparently you have wings. You just forget to flap sometimes.”
ahem. Off to ponder… and stretch my wings.
Havi, thanks for writing.
It’s interesting,
To me the common thread that stuck out in your turns is that many if not all of them have to do with sovereignty around your time.
I’m not sure if that says something about your turns, where my head is at, or both….
Andy
http://binauraljourneys.com
.-= Andy Dolph´s last post … Under the Sky in an Inflatable Planetarium =-.
Turning points everywhere. Yes. Yes. Remembering that makes them seem less scary to me.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … The trouble with “middle vision” =-.
I think you’re right.
It is useful to notice the elements and I hope that the turns you make in your biz and in your life are easier, with less questioning and more fun, in surprising and playful ways.
You are so good at finding patterns in things like this and it’s hugely helpful to me.
And that’s another thing about you that I really love. Your intent is always to be helpful when you explain things like this – and there’s so much love in your pure intent. It simply astounds me sometimes. I marvel at your wisdom.
.-= Char Brooks´s last post … What’s So Hard and Totally Works Every Time =-.
Yay for rivers and reverse engineering.
Sending love to everyone and wishing ease.
@Andy – thank you for the insight about time. I need to think about that one some more. This week has been so intense for me because of not being at home and not having internet during the day. I think some other structures around time and some other things will be turning soon as well. That was helpful.
Love to all!
xox
havi