Sometimes I have a thing I have to do and I very much do not want to do it.
Then there is a huge monster rebellion, and I end up hiding in bed watching some show on Hulu, and the monsters are also up in arms about that, even though I basically got there due to Overwhelmed By Too Many Monsters.
Anyway, we know from experience that guilt —> stuck. And we also know that permission to be where you are, dealing with what you’re dealing with, leads to changing patterns. This is what we want.
So the goal is, as always: practice legitimacy, notice needs, recognize guilt, lovingly mess with the pattern.
Something I have been experimenting with over the past year that helps with all of these is playing Find The Clues.
I do this when I am already at the point where, yes, I am absolutely overwhelmed and I need a pause, and hey, this is the pause that I am giving myself even though maybe it is not my ideal pause.
So I pretend that this pause is the mission.
I’m in bed watching a show? Great, that is apparently part of my mission.
So I watch the episode on High Alert, because I am a spy. With a notebook. I jot down everything that might be a clue. I am attentive and watchful, and I breathe.
I remind myself: This is the mission. This is my fractal flower.
Watching this (both the show and the pattern) is going to turn out to be useful, as is giving myself permission to be right here. And I am going to collect as much intel as I can.
Clues from last week’s episode.
Ha, episode. Mine and the show.
- “Granted early release.” Grant. Release can be granted. A grant is a form of release. It can also happen earlier than expected.
- “The working theory stands.” In the world of television crime-solving procedurals, the working theory is always wrong. However, someone invariably says this. A good reminder about not making assumptions. Monster theories about how I am a terrible and lazy person certainly sound true. And yet monster theories always turn out to be full of distortions. The working theory is not going to make it to the end of the episode.
- Observation: things in life do not have to stay the same. Reality can change quickly. Often within two episodes something that seemed like an impossible dream is now possible. I have experienced this in real life and yet I persist in believing in the power of walls and obstacles to maintain their current shape and form FOREVER.
- “Bonsoir!” This always sounds so cheery. I need to give this an extra code meaning!
- “If you can’t think straight, think circular.” Go with what is.
Clues from my episode.
I got what I needed: rest, breathing, stretching. A world where things are beautifully designed and imagined.
I worked on the project during commercial breaks and kind of chipped away at it, making more progress than I thought I would.
There was a dream that night about everything changing, in a good way.
Monsters were wrong. It was not the end of the world.
I think I am getting better at thinking circular. And: I think I am getting better at letting myself need what I need, want what I want, be stuck when I’m stuck.
There are clues everywhere. Might as well find them.
And once I am in clue-searching mode, I’m using the pattern that I’m in, which is already changing the pattern, opening new pathways for next time. I’m a scientist, a detective, a spy.
I am paying attention.
And nothing was wrong.
The thing that seemed like it was derailing the mission became part of the mission, and then I was able to return to the “actual” mission. Or to what the monsters think is the actual mission.
Since the bigger mission is learning how to meet my stuff with kindness and compassion, and the bigger mission than that is being patient with myself even when I can’t do that, I am never off the mission. It is all learning.
Sometimes I take the clues and try to figure out what they can tell me about the thing that I am temporarily avoiding.
(Avoiding for valid reasons of my own, because avoidance always makes sense, even when we don’t know why).
Sometimes I talk to the clues, like I did with this Dick Tracy lunchbox.
Other times, it is enough that I collected clues. The process of clue-collecting is enough to alter my mood. I feel more alert, more present, more capable of taking a next step.
Something else to play with, whenever you want.
Another tool for the collection.
Though actually, there are all kinds of tools in here so this one is kind of a swiss army knife.
Things we can do today:
Find clues. Decide we are going to find clues. In our work/projects, and also in the things we do to avoid them, and also in whatever we happen to be doing, because clues are everywhere. That is one of the great joys of having a brain. Brains like to find connections. Connections are clues.
So let’s play. Deposit clues here if you like. See what happens.
I am leaving an extra clue for you right now, the clue for this week is CINNAMON.
Reminder that we are all in a process, and this is safe space, so we commit to no advice-giving and no care-taking. 🙂
And much love, as always, to everyone who reads.
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Bless you, Havi… you always say the thing I need to hear when I need to hear it. <3
I am still collecting clues and tools and implements to help me see the pattern… and to help me turn it into a poem or a painting, even if it's a self-portrait of one of my monsters…
And I'm still learning to breathe.
I received a very large clu(lulemon) today. I gwished for a yoga retreat on Sunday, and then today an agent informed me that she can procure some of the needed supplies for said retreat at a very low cost for me. At which point I squealed and said “yes!” I need to gather a few more clus, but this one is definitely going in the right direction.
I am going to ponder cinnamon.
I needed to write a thank you note, and was stuck. Yesterday, I allowed myself to play by sketching a thank you note in the form of a rebus. I seriously considered sending it, but eventually decided to hold off on doing anything just yet. This morning, I woke up and a poem about the day I received the gifts started writing itself. Within 4 (quick) drafts, it was finished, and I’m using *it* as my thank you note.
The entire process put me into a playful joyful mood that has lasted all day.
So cinnamon, to me, means ‘cinnamon and honey’ which is what I put into my kids’ porridge every morning. Which means: get off the computer and into your real life. Which really means: listen to the burning bush! The burning bush is the calm, clear, non-judgemental voice of instruction that tells me what to do next. “Wash the dishes”. “Feed the kids”. “Pick up the shoes”. “Speak your truth”. And I spend a hellalot of time arguing with the burning bush, resisting the burning bush, my monsters jump around in front of the burning bush shouting to try and make me not hear it, and sometimes (often) I agree to listen to them and pretend I can’t hear the burning bush because of it, but I always really can I just don’t want to do what it’s telling me to do because of [legitimate reasons]. So, thanks for The Cinnamon Clue (just one guy) and the reminder to Listen to The Burning Bush. It is always good for me to do it. <3
Thank you for this! I love the idea of just listening to the burning bush without arguing and resisting.
and Listen to the Burning Bush really is just one guy, too! Thank you, Claire!
CINNAMON is an excellent clue! Cinnamon is the scent of the candle I had already decided to light for Solstice. It’s the top note in my favorite soap, and it’s a strong presence in one of my favorite teas. And of course, it’s also a potential compass.
I have been having one of Those Days, myself. Thanks for the company, and for the clue.
Cinnamon-as-clew prompted me to look it up in Arabella Boxer’s SPICE BOOK.
I had never really registered that it is the bark of an evergreen tree. Which has me thinking about wreaths, and welcoming connections.
“It is also a natural antiseptic.” Oh? *thinks about where I feel tender or outright wounded*
Coriander is “frequently used with ground cinnamon and dried rosebuds.” Unexpected combinations. Hmmm….
Warm wishes and just-right blankets-with-blankets to all y’all.
We live near a McCormick plant, and on days when they are processing (well, any baking spice, but certainly) cinnamon, the very air smells delicious.
I use ‘cinnamon’ as shorthand for anything delicious and/or desirable.
Maybe I should think of something ‘cinnamon’ could be a clue for…
Does anyone else love the book Dune? The spice melange, smelt of cinnamon and gave navigators the prescience necessary to plot a course through space. I’m sure there is a metaphor in there somewhere.
When I smell cinnamon I sometimes think of the David Lynch movie. Not remotely like the book but still cool (in a 1980’s sort of way).
Another awesome piece where we see how a derailed mission can become the new mission, advance the original mission, and provide information all around. It is all information, if one is willing to observe the clues.
It’s always good to be reminded: nothing is wrong.
The idea of clue-finding feels very hard to me right now. I’m exhausted. Body-exhausted and heart-exhausted and guilt monsters are in a flamingly loud chorus. All day.
So I am going to make this as simple as possible.
Five things on my desk right now. They each have a message for me.
Leopard print umbrella: there are tools for protection and you get to have them and use them when you decide you want to.
Unopened bottle of wine: things take time and attention to become what they’re meant to become. don’t rush things. There is Time. There is Always Time. Take Time.
Box of tishoos: Softness and wiping-away-of-old-things is within arm’s reach.
A giant post-it pad: Reminders are everywhere.
Headphones: You get to listen to your own truth-playlist. Nobody else’s,
Also? Cinnamon: Things get to be bitter and sweet at the same time. That is the nature of things and Nothing is Wrong. This thing right now, you get to bake a cake with it later.
Wow, I am astounded that even that much helped. Thank you Havi.
Remembering, again, to remember…
Hm, I noticed that I’ve been fighting exhaustion all day. Beating up exhaustion with “you shouldn’t be exhausted” “exhaustion BAD” “what is wrong with you, why did you get yourself into this state” “perk up, will you?”
What if there is nothing wrong with being exhausted? What if occupying this exhaustion with permission and legitimacy bells is the most loving thing I can do for myself right now?
How do I occupy exhaustion?
Ohmygod. The idea is so freaking subversive I don’t even know what to do.
How can I be the best exhausted person? (in body and heart?)
Exhaustion actually has a very simple, clear and loving message for me. Stop. Be still. Rest. Breathe. Empty. Trust.
Empty through breath.
Rest into stillness.
Stop to trust.
Trust the stopping.
Breathe rest.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm………..
<3
Cinnamon! Love love love this Havi, thanks. And hugs to you. So much appreciation for your writing.