Yesterday was about Day 4 Syndrome. How its day-4-ness isn’t limited to Day 4, because there are bigger patterns at work.
These patterns have to do with process and completion, and how scary it is to not see the end. And then to see it. Even though it’s not really an end.
Anyway. Day 4 is one of a number of syndromes that can show up when you’re working on your stuff or biggifying or trying to make progress on a goal.
These are not fun while they’re happening. Though they do have their useful bits.
And it always helps to remember, “Oh, right, this is a thing.”
So here’s another one. Sophomore Syndrome.
Sophomore syndrome shows up as any form of resistance to change.
It’s the moment of “things are different” — when that realization brings discomfort instead of reassurance.
It doesn’t really matter what or how things are different.
Different than they were before, different than I what I was expecting, different than a scenario or outcome that I’m really attached to.
“Everything was better then…”
“At Havi’s last program, it was better because…”
“When I did X, it was like Y …”
“I wish that this was …”
It happens. The frustration is natural and legitimate. You’re not a terrible person for being in it. It’s a normal part of going through change. Happens to all of us.
What’s actually happening:
Things are different now. Things are, in fact, constantly changing.
That’s how it goes. That’s what it means to be a moving part in a universe of moving parts. It’s the dynamic, ever-changing process of being alive.
And all this change is more intense and happens faster when you’ve consciously decided to make a change and do something differently.
Like starting a new project, writing a Very Personal Ad, trying to establish a new relationship with your body.
It happens even more at places like my Kitchen Table program or a Rally (Rally!) or when I teach a week of serious destuckification.
That’s because a) you’re surrounded by people who are consciously, actively working on their stuff, b) you are consciously, actively working on your own stuff, and c) you’re at a different place than you were before.
Change is a thing. That involves necessary growth periods. Being in them sucks.
At the same time, since change and growth are part of what you’ve chosen to do, we notice the pattern, and then look around for creative ways to make peace with this.
Why this can be so hard and painful.
The thing about sophomore syndrome — all these syndromes — is that it feels real.
Everything you’re noticing and experiencing about how everything was better and now it’s not … it seems demonstrably true.
And a lot of it is true. It’s just not helpful.
Because it creates resistance, and resistance solidifies the stuck and then you’re banging into the walls again.
We want to get back to spaciousness and possibility:
“Even though things are not the way I wanted them to be …
“And even though I’m allowed to not like it…
“Maybe they don’t have to be the way I wanted them to be, because what if there’s something useful about now? Maybe. What if I let myself find out?”
Prevention and cure
Invoke adaptation. Shift your focus to curiosity and play and looking for what is useful.
Create comfort through familiarity. Anything that helps you feel grounded, stable and supported when things are moving.
Find out what you need.
Could be extra seclusion. Or extra iguanaccountability and support. To wait for the next wave or turn the next corner.
Either way, this is the part where you remind yourself that you’re allowed to be in the hard. It’s temporary. It does not define you.
And then you can find the continuity and the shared threads.
You can look for what you actually like about the different and the new.
And it passes. The people you didn’t feel comfortable yet become your friends. Or you find other people. The discomfort dissolves into the new thing, and the new thing is awesome.
And comment zen for the comment blanket fort.
As always: we all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We let everyone else have their stuff, and we don’t give unsolicited advice.
Aside from that … play with me?
Maybe brainstorming Sophomore syndrome moments (from experience or watching it happen to people in your life).
Or what you do when you’re in it.
Or anything else about what is useful, what is helpful reminder, what makes it easier to experiment.
Follow
Ohhhh… hipster syndrome for me.
I liked his last album better, when he was selling CDs at the side of the stage. Dave Matthews came along and started producing him, and now it’s JUST NOT THE SAME.
I really liked [large convention event] back when there were only a couple thousand people. It was like a big sleepover… not like now, with 75,000 other people.
These brats don’t even know where CBGB was, much less why it should be a holy shrine like their t-shirt says.
Not that, you know, these things have ever come out of my mouth or anything.
I think my monsters worry that if we all move on, that if I go on to new projects without thoroughly documenting and appreciating and soaking up the way things were originally, that it will be FORGOTTEN. And then all will be LOST- even things that MATTER.
And who can imagine a world without Joy Division, or the Talking Heads? Or big faceless events where no one knows you? Small is good. I’m still learning that progress doesn’t have to equal growth or getting “bigger”.
Lately (since Rally!!), I have been noticing that my habit is to make things harder and / or more complicated than they need to be.
And my new mantra is “It’s okay for it to be easy.”
This made me wonder if maybe, just maybe, some someday change could be easy too…….
Okay. Now I run away to hide from having ever even suggested that. 🙂
Sophomore Syndrome. Great description!
A thing I’m learning: if it doesn’t feel scary, I’m not being brave. If I never question what I’m doing, I’m probably doing the wrong thing.
Sophomore Syndrome: yes and yes. Let it be hard.
For some reason, this week I’m remembering little bits of wisdom that various teachers have imparted to me…
In an effort to cut us down a few pegs, my sophomore English teacher informed us that “sophomore” means “wise fool” in Latin.
Because we’re no longer rank beginners, we may think we may know more than we actually do. Soph moron.
I’ve been guilty of this more times than I care to admit.
Wondering why, for me, “Things are different” often first occurs as “Things are worse”…
Sometimes it’s internal. Recently I’ve been unusually emotional, non-functionally emotional…Of course there must be something wrong with me or my life. This has to stop right now! What if it is okay that I’m in this place? What are my body and brain trying to tell me? What am I not paying attention to that I need to pay attention to? Would a little more self-care help?
Sometimes it’s external. My clients are responding to the worldwide economic situation by being super careful with their money. They want estimates of cost now before deciding to hire me; they’re taking a lot longer to pay me now and I find myself having to chase some of them down. Repeatedly. When this happens I feel violated, like there’s been a breach of trust. Oh no, my clients hate me! We’ve worked together for a long time; I thought they were my friends. If they truly valued my work they’d just hire me without question and pay my invoices immediately like they used to. Oh, this is just a business decision for them. What if it’s time to start thinking about systems? How do I want to handle it when someone isn’t paying as agreed? What do I need? What am I willing to do? What am I not willing to do?
Just noticing the frame and experimenting with re-framing…. maybe it would look better if the frame was bright red or forest green metallic….
Hmm. I’m not sure I’m having any sort of Sophomore Syndrome at the moment which could mean a) I’m not working on my stuff enough, or some variation of b) I am in it but haven’t noticed, because I’m more focused on the change being something I want.
This really struck me though:
“The people you didn’t feel comfortable (with) yet become your friends.”
It reminded me of grad school where I met one foreign guy who was really pretentious and another who seemed sexist with a touch of lechery. Once I got to know them better? My favorite guys on the planet. Still true now a decade or so later. Even more so. 🙂
Rupa’s comment reminds me of what an English country dancing teacher once told me, about there being three tiers of dancers at any gathering: the rank beginners, the ones who know just enough to be snooty about dancing with rank beginners, and the truly experienced dancers who take joy in helping the beginners get better. She said if we got a ungracious rejection from a Tier 2 dancer, to wave them away and mentally tell them, “See you when you’re Tier 3.”
That was helpful to me later that week, and has been helpful several times since.
I do feel like I’m knee-deep in a Day 4 swamp at the moment. There _is_ progress on numerous fronts, and so much to look forward to, but there’s also that haze of fear that I ought to be making more noise or flailing harder to extricate myself from the mud and mosquitoes, and that I’ll fail to live up to the things I’m looking forward to when our presences finally intersect. And I’m also good at derailing myself by seeing other people’s stuck and wanting to throw them tow-out ropes even though, y’know, I keep dropping my own. (Not catching ropes that all but smack me in the face makes me feel like I’m back in grade school PE. I should remind myself that I’ve come a long way since then.)
In short, argh. And huzzah for colleagues willing to postpone meetings. And for sunshine on the kitchen floor I need to scrub.
I like this post. My thoughts:
When a group of people are working on their deep stuff, the nature of stuff is to bounce into and activate other people’s stuff.
Ego.
“What makes it easier to experiment.” You wrote.
One thought: Awareness of the difference and connection between ‘stuff’ and ‘ego.’
Stuff being, well you know, stuff.
Ego being the ‘identity.’ The ‘personality’ we are holding on to, which wraps around the patterns. The stuff.
The ego being things like, “This is who I am. I am a feisty, smart, kind person.”
Even though that all sounds good, it is still ‘identity.’
A slippery slope that if we’re not careful, could turn into ‘I’m smarter than other people.’ Or ‘I’m kinder than other people.’
And recognizing the sneaky tricks of the ego (But I AM smarter than other people!!) ~ gives way to wonderful freedom.
Freedom to experiment.
And a lot of it is true. It’s just not helpful.
There is something so…disarming about that. “Okay, yes, you’re right — this sucks. And yes, your insights into exactly why this sucks are brilliant and on target. You are absolutely correct. Now, can we take a look at what other things, what different things, are also true?”
Remarkably comforting.