Today I’m letting you peek at my journal.
Here’s some of what I scribbled yesterday morning.
Noticing.
What am I noticing? What am I feeling this morning?
I am feeling very discouraged this morning. Discouraged and bleak.
And I know from experience (thank you, Book of Me) that discouraged and bleak are signs.
More specifically, they’re signs of the existence of:
a) monsters
b) shoulds and other unquestioned internal rules
c) conflicting desires.
So I am going to pause (paws!) and investigate that, even though Discouraged Me is saying What’s The Point.
But wait — aha! — I already know that What’s The Point is always trying to keep me from discovering something important. So there’s something important here. Probably. Maybe.
What’s the question?
I’m feeling stressed out about time, so let’s just find out what I *would* do with this day if it were all mine.
Weird. I mean, interesting. I wonder why I phrased the question like that. Today is all mine. In a certain sense, at least.
So what’s the information and/or clews in that question?
Maybe that I’m feeling frustrated and resentful about time, and the various demands on it that I perceive to be interfering with… not sure yet with what.
Maybe this is about themes of permission and sovereignty. I don’t know.
Anyway, what am I asking? What I really meant was this:
What might I be doing right now if I didn’t have this long and looming List of Things?
Who wants to speak first?
All of a sudden everyone wanted to talk at once.
I am calling for order. Who’s going to speak first?
Teacher me speaks up.
Teacher Me:
“Listen. We’re teaching the Shiva Nata Snack Preview class at the Playground tonight. There are 25 people coming and another 10 on the waiting list. This is important. It needs your undivided attention. You need to ready yourself and the space:
“That means meditating, yoga, space clearing, the entry ritual, your Hello Day rituals, the ritual of releasing expectations and projections, and WHO KNOWS maybe even decide what you want to teach?
“This is what you need to give your day to.”
And then businesswoman CEO me.
Practical businesswoman CEO business savant me:
“Are you crazy? Today is Plum Duff!*
“Plum Duff! It started yesterday, it ends Thursday morning and you haven’t even announced it or done the thirty things that need doing to spread the word.
“If you don’t do this, Plum Duff might not do what it needs to. And if it doesn’t, all your weeks of prep time are down the drain AND you won’t do it again because you won’t be motivated because all you will remember is how much work it was.
“Your class will run itself. You’ve been teaching Shiva Nata classes for like, seven years. You can run an amazing class without having to do all those things to get ready for it. Your business NEEDS you right now.”
* password = extraraisins
Monsters speak up.
The monsters from the grumblethrum collective:
“You have to do *all* of it! ALL of it!
“And get your hair done. Or at least do something with it. You look ridiculous!
“And call Amy. And bring the snacks to the Playground. And go to your dance class. And do some laundry. And finish that other thing. If it doesn’t ALL get done, the day is wasted! Forever!”
So. Where do we go from here?
Obviously, both yoga teacher me and chief eccentricity officer me have very valid points. And the monsters are probably right about my hair, even if we can put off the rest of it.
And yet it still comes down to this:
Today is one day.
And I want to live it lovingly, consciously and intentionally, which won’t happen if I try to smoosh everything in.
Knowing that, what are our options? Let’s ask Slightly Future Me. She’s already lived through today, so maybe she has some ideas about what to do.
Resolving is a funny word, it turns out.
Me: Hey, slightly future me. Can you tell me how I resolved this?
She: It’s not really about resolving it.
Me: What do you mean?
She: I mean, that’s the wrong question, sweetpea.
Me: Aargh. What’s the right question?
Never mind, if you wanted to tell me you would have told me.
Okay. Let me ask it like this. Can you tell me what will help me come into a different relationship with today?
She: That’s a lovely question. Okay. Let’s take this back to essence.
Essence?
Me: Huh? Oh, right. I can do that. Let’s see.
The essence of the Shiva Nata class is: sovereignty, delight, play, grounding, safety, experimentation, freedom, flow, inspiration, focus and support.
And the essence of the Plum Duff: Play, delight, support, inspiration…
Oh. I get i! They are not the same thing, but they share all the same qualities. They’re friends! They can help each other.
So I need to find those qualities. And do things that reflect those qualities. Basically I need to make today about those things.
And as long as I make sure I give myself enough space and time around my decisions, I can’t decide wrong.
She: Exactly!
And that’s what I did.
A couple of Plum Duff things. A couple of teaching preparedness things.
But mostly a lot of messing around with things to help me fill up on play and experimentation and support, and then seeing what needed to be done when I was in that sort of zone.
And of course I did some shivanautical flailing and ate some bunny crackers, and a lot of writing.
It was okay. When I look at my spangly revue, it’s clear that there are definitely a number of things I will probably try differently the next time I’m in a similar situation.
But the main thing is that I stopped feeling discouraged and bleak, which was kind of the point. So it was pretty good, all in all.
Play with me. And comment zen for today.
This is my journal. So it’s pretty, um, personal. And vulnerable to put it here, of course.
The only way I can share things like this is in an environment of safety, support and belonging, which is what we are committed to here.
So: we don’t analyze each other, tell each other how to feel or give unsolicited advice.
What is welcome: Sparklepoints! We can give them to ourselves. Or each other. Also: your own scribblings with slightly future you or notes for your Book of You about time and other things.
And my monsters would also like potato chips, so if you want to leave any here, that would be very nice of you.
Love to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
p.s. The Plum Duff days end tomorrow. Password = extraraisins
Here is a lovely little bowl of freshly-fried chips. Magical chips! Because they are two things at the same time: both the fish-n-chips kind of chips and the American chips kind of chips. When you pick one up it is magically exactly the kind of chip that you want. Enjoy some magical chips, monsters!
(Sidenote: I know you didn’t ask for a compliment but can I just say your hair was looking really cute last night, whether or not you got it done? I’m a big fan of hair being in bobbly knob configurations and, wow, that sounds kind of dirty…but I think you know what I mean?)
I don’t think I’d ever thought about this particular pattern but I recognize it so much! The pattern where I have a day that *seems* to be All For Me but then I found out that I have conflicting desires for what kind of a Me Day it should be. Is it endless nap in the bed fort free time? Is it get the weird shopping errand done today free time? Is it give magic cleaning love to the kitchen free time? Is it watch movies and eat grilled cheese free time? Is it eat a long breakfast free time? Is it spontaneous plans with friends free time?
And there *is* a way to balance these things. Or to tune into the essence of what I want rather than let the Not Enough Time monsters take charge.
I have a secret vacation next week that is going to be oodles of delicious time. And I’m sure some of this Not Enough Time pattern will show up. Maybe I can use some of these lessons when that happens 🙂
Okay, so just as I was thinking about what I’ve seen today and not feeling all that inspired … more like full of have-tos and looking for escape routes, you post this journal entry. Thank you. Apparently the voices in my head have been bothering you, too. One of these days I’ve got to get a journal of my own! Today is, perhaps, one of these days.
Thank you so much for sharing this entry with us. I’ve been using this sort of dialogue-with-parts-of-self in my own journals and in therapy since I learned the technique back in the dawn of time (sometime in the 1980s)–and I *still* learned something new today. I really love the concept of consulting with Slightly Future Me for wisdom and strength when struggling to work something out.
Sparklepoints to all your parts, including your hair!
This is so perfectly helpful for where I have been the past day or two. Thank you.
Also, potato chips for all the monsters 🙂
OH! OH! YES! OH!
I have an enormous and disparate Pile Of Damn Things and I’m pretty damn sure I can draw out their essences. As in – now, this evening, and see what happens to them straight away.
Thank you – this is utter magic.
(And when I say ‘draw out’, of course I literally mean ‘draw out’ – it’s map time!)
Oh! I can be curious why I’m feeling discouraged and bleak! That feels so much lighter already. I kind of wish today was yesterday, when I was having one of those days.
Sparklepoints and potato chips all around!
And I like this, I have had a few days of feeling like “I MUST DO ALL THIS AT ONCE!” but I can already see that most of the things share the same qualities and can help each other, and that they share the same path for a while until they don’t.
This! Yes, exactly this! Thank you! So helpful.
Oh, and potato chips for the monsters, sparkle points all around, and grilled cheese sandwiches for Jesse and anyone else who wants one.
I love this. This is so helpful. Thank you so much for pooblishing.
Also: Plum! Duff! PLUMDUFF!
(off to go color some monsters)
xo
it is so awesome to be reminded of the ability to say, even though this doesn’t feel good now, I can change it, often by looking at why I’m feeling the way I am…
powerful stuff.
sparklepoints and potato chips all around!
Andy
Ooh, yes! This feels like the next level stuff to me right now, but I know this it’s time to start playing with this.
Huge thanks for sharing this Havi, so so helpful right now!
Feeling like I have to take care of everything at once is something I wake up to too often. And a really strong need to be able to trust myself with having rest, taking care, breathing, quiet time on the other end. Things are shifting, but I need to negotiate this daily and any new ways and ideas that I can use to deal with this is are so grately appreciated!
Thanks for reminding me that “what’s the point?” thoughts mean “oh yeah, there’s a point… and it’s big, which is why you should probably just keep pretending it doesn’t exist.”
aaaarrrrrgggghhhh!
I always learn so much when you share your conversations with Slightly Future Havi. Thank you for publishing this post!
I’m dropping off some freshly-fried-in-“healthy”-oil Idaho blue potato chips at the monster-sitting collaborative, just for your fuzzballs.
Thank you for sharing your journal!!
It makes me happy to read you meander-talk. It’s like your problems are a buffet table and you saunter over and go, hmmm…. I’m going to eat the delicious parts of you and leave the crusty shell behind, here it turns out these problems are filled with delicious happinesses!!
<3 so nice. <3
Slightly Future Katana says, "See, it all worked out, again. You are still, as always, in just the right place. You're okay. Tomorrow there will be another beautiful sunset."
I have discovered your blog thanks a recommandation for your post on “Bolivia”.
I would like to express my gratitude for today’s post and the Bolivia post.
I am glad that I have the rest of your blog to explore. 🙂
Havi,
Thanks so much for putting your journal out there for anyone to see – that was brave – a gazillion sparkle points for that. Your process is inspiring – now I’m mulling how to incorporate into my own process.
I’m sending potato chips for the monsters – I can see them munching a’crunching with crumbs all about, making monster small talk and being deliciously distracted and happy.
I’m not sure what variety of potato chips your monsters like best, so I’m leaving a shmorgashboard of offerings: some extra-thick with ridges, some extra-thin and crisp, some sour cream and onion flavored, and some with vinegar and extra salt.
And sixty-seven septillion sparkle points for you, Havi!
I love how, when I haven’t checked up with Fluent Self in weeks, just as I pop back in, a post that’s SO relevant for me comes up.
This is exactly how I’m feeling today, Havi! So, I’m going to try to keep play, relaxation and sovereignty in mind today. Thanks! (Sending you potato chips across the interwebs)
Sparkle points for brave you, Havi, sharing your journal. Which is so very helpful.
Black pepper Kettle chips for the monsters. Salt and grease and crunch are therapeutic for monsters. That’s what mine get. Or crisp salty French fries.
I have conflicts about what to do with my day frequently. Getting stuff done, vs taking care of me. Or so much to do that I freeze and cannot move forward. Overwhelm.
Yesterday, I created a lovely take care of me day, but I had to rename it and sneak it in. My mare, Ally, needed dentistry. Yes, horses need dentistry. Every year. Their teeth never stop growing, and need to be filed down. And this requires being heavily sedated and watched until they are no longer knocked out with the drugs.
So I took a book to read while I sat with her. And then I found reasons to hang out all day in the quiet breezy sunlit barn and read. Seven hours. Just what I needed for my brain. No cell phone service, and internet extremely limited and inconvenient. All day. I renamed taking care of me to taking care of Ally.
The barn manager, who is awesome, could have watched Ally for me.
I think I “got” what I was doing because of your last post :-). And this one.
Oh, thank you, Havi, for this post!
In the midst of continuing incredible procrastination about a multi-project which involves doom, I managed yesterday to completely easily start a major yard project that has been needed for several months. No thinking, no fear, no don’t-wanna iguanas; just grabbed the trimmer and spent two hours in the yard before dark. Temperature was endurable, and all the huge weeds (pokeweed, for those who know), grape and other vines, were down and piled in the yard.
Yay! Sparklepoints and fireworks!
Next steps: Figure out the essence of starting the project yesterday; apply to next actions for the yard project.
1. Talk to my neighbor about her poison ivy; borrow brush spray and apply. (Done today at her lunch break!)
2. Call a yard service to pick up the piles.
– Sneak past the monsters by not too much preparation; just-do-it-ness. (Can apply to researching and calling yard trash services for price and dates. This hour find 5 firms online before shutting down the computer and making the calls.)
-Satisfaction about physical work that was tiring but not exhausting (Award for making the calls: cut large stems and pile more neatly in an area where I want to remove the grass and put in a flower bed.)
thank you Havi! This post was the beacon that shone the way back through my own despondent today. And on my way out I made a discovery. And instead of not knowing, I have knot knowing. Which as it turns out is so, so much better.