the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 356th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
passages (i)
I am embarking on a grand adventure
and I don’t quite know what it is yet and that’s okay
and even better than okay
because that’s part of how adventures work
and I am ready to feel joyful and glorious about this adventure
to meet it halfway
striding through the door
ready and willing to ask for what I want from this experience:
Freedom
Shelter
I Choose To Do Less
I Treasure My Space, Inside And Out
and — this is important —
I Remember That Everything That Happens To Me Is Neutral,
So I Release Stories Like It’s My Job
passages (ii)
time for a new story
time to let go of stories that are over and done
or untrue or not in service of the mission
(the mission being: breathe in life and aliveness)
time to reclaim any power still stored in story
time to move through story
“Well, freedom has its price.”
“Then it isn’t freedom, is it?”
— The Catch
how many stories live inside that one small exchange
and which ones do I want for me
what needs to be eliminated
and what needs to be illuminated
passages (iii)
once upon a time many years ago I left my home because of
[circumstances]
and then I was between homes for a period of time
a period that stretched time and stretched me
that was what I told people
between homes
and they believed me
between homes
as if I just hadn’t found the right one yet
memories
you slept on couches of friends until you wore out your welcome
that is one of those phrases you can’t appreciate until you’ve lived it
you know what welcome looks like once it has been worn to threads
and you told too many white lies
because you don’t want them to feel sorry for you
or put them in the position where they might think they have to take you in
when there’s nowhere else to go
then you slept in a place you weren’t supposed to be but had a key
careful to disturb nothing, waking before dawn to disappear
until you got caught
and then you stopped sleeping for a while
well, you stopped sleeping at night
an expert at hiding in plain
there is a whole world of expertise to faking being a regular person
the art of the plausible casual nap in public
you could write a book (but you don’t want to)
about that
the art of passing
how to put every magic bean of privilege you possess
to work at the same time
how to act like you are just an ordinary someone
an ordinary someone can sleep in the park during the day
take a short rest in the sun for a bit after yoga
safety first
a breath of sweetness for past-me: I will build you
safe rooms forever, my love
I have devoted my life to making safe space for you
thank you for holding on
you got me here
you can rest now
you are safe
you are free
safety and freedom: you are allowed to have both
if I imagine that I am a genius about freedom, what do I know?
presence is more important than anything
as important as pleasure, which is pretty damned important
if I stay present with this, I can do anything
and presence will lead to more pleasure
presence brings me back to aliveness, to the ability to delight in life
even (especially) when things are chaotic and unexpected
as long as I am present
with this moment
my breath, my body, my wanting, my desire, my aliveness
I can feel into the next step
I can hear my yes
I am free
if I imagine that I am a genius about safety, what do I know?
now is not then, now is nothing like then
and at the same time I can understand how leaving my home
and embarking on an especially grand adventure
that spans the time between now and the time I meet
my new home-to-be
that safe cozy quiet nest that I have not met yet
but waits for me with love
I understand how this situation could stir up stories from then
and so I remind myself that safety first
is always a valid choice
I want to cherish myself,
choosing things that support my sense of safety is
one more way I meet myself with love
here’s to freedom in various forms
love that is unconditional
a business that is free to innovate and create
shmita, wildness, and the place where minimalism and lusciousness meet
releasing stories
releasing the need to believe the stories I tell myself
this is the freedom to let something be
without weighing it down with judgment and distorted interpretations
here’s to safety in various forms
safety is everything that helps me feel the ground
taking exquisite care of myself
following the protocol with sweetness
I practice forgiving myself for everything —
past-me was focused on survival and
everything she did makes sense
especially given the limited tools, intel, resources and sleep
available to her back then
her intention was to get me through
she did what she thought would work
and look, we made it
so we glow love and peacefulness back through the timeline
retroactive magic
glimmer
wenn du glaubst es geht nicht mehr
kommt von irgendwo ein lichtlein her
or: just when you think you can’t go on,
there comes a small glimmer of light…
this is a reminder for me to look for it,
to focus on being able to see the glimmer of light,
to be that glimmer of light
what is closeness
the beautiful faraway boy who is so far away
and has been so far away for so long
texted me when I was having a rough moment
“holding you close, listening, stroking your hair, writing love on your back…”
this was so lovely, and while I am very aware that
I may not always have someone in my life to say this,
in fact, I often perceive that I have no one to say this,
I can practice being someone who can be this sweet
towards myself and my selves
glowing closeness
step one
as Erin says, Step One Of Doing Anything is calm the fuck down,
sometimes I also think of this step as find the good
also known as clearly that was not my bus because if it were my bus I would be on it
it is now safe for me to want to feel safe,
and to prioritize things, however small,
that contribute to my perception of safe space in a given moment,
whether that’s crossing the street or curling up in a blanket
or sitting with my back to the wall
whatever I need in that moment is good
conversation
me: I go back and forth between “I am such a genius, how am I even getting away with this brilliant plan to live tiny and live quiet, to travel and have adventures, to write all day and have access to panther/gazelle practice space!” VERSUS “uh oh next year I will be forty, living on the road, with an absurdly miniature home as my base, peeing in a jar, where did I go wrong with my life…”
agent spalding: for the record, I think you are tops
me: I mean, I mostly lean towards the first one because it’s a better story, but I guess either way at least it’s not boring
agent spalding: there is a strong part of me that wants to combine elements from both stories, not only because it’s more realistic but also because it’s more interesting — you are, in fact, peeing in a jar, but it’s also sort of brilliant
“she peed in a jar and was also sort of brilliant”
SOLVED!
it finally dawned on me this week that oh right I am not
wandering as a way to fill the time that I am in between homes
no, I chose to be on this grand adventure
this righting retreat (and writing retreat)
which I am calling The Door/s of X
because it is a retreat and a passage and a voyage
and exactly what I need most in my life right now
and I am choosing it
because it is my yes
and because this is how/where/when I acquire the missing skills that
I will need when my next home-home is ready
new story
as you know I have been waking up in the very early hours with words
and this week the words were NEW STORY
I am allowed to tell new stories
to be a new kind of storyteller
who knows about all the important things
all the important things
releasing stories to the fountain
find the joy / follow the best sparks
say yes to new superpowers
savor this brave wild solo adventure
how do I approach this as a free spirit, an agent of agency, a bell
Echoing and Reverberating, Do Less, Want Everything and Expect Nothing, Big Wild Joy, Intention, Yes To This Moment, Wild and Free, This Moment Is Treasure, I Have Forgotten How To Worry, Trust Love, Keep Swinging
compass
here is my mantra-compass for Door X
to guide me through this process of zen adventuring until
the next mission is revealed
north: DO LESS
northeast: CHOOSE EASE
east: SAVOR A MOMENT
southeast: TRUST LOVE
south: LOVE THE GROUND
southwest: CROWN ON
west: GLOW WILD
northwest: DELIGHT IN LIFE
what do I know about my wish
I have been mistakenly trying to fill the in-between spaces
in my life and calendar and the places that scare me when they are empty
no, I will not do that any more
I will fill MYSELF!
and my desire for [safety + freedom]
I will stop telling a story about how I am in transition
and instead revel in the knowledge that
where I need to be right now is on this adventure
I am in the right place
striding through this door of my own choosing
this door that exists just for me
in this just-right moment in time
excited for what awaits
bon courage
now
I am staying with Agent Emdee
and while walking to the train
I discovered that the sidewalk had a message for me
stamped in the cement
EVEN NOW THE HEART IS FLOWERING A WILD PATIENCE
a clue for the ages
I can’t stop thinking about these words
the combination of Wild + Patience
fills me with both deep calm and powerful longing
maybe nothing more is needed than to let wild patience flower in my heart
the superpower of sexy fearless powerful presence
last month was ROOTS, and that was big treasure, and somehow I had forgotten what I’d seeded for May but here it is and it is just right
this month is WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called crown on / do less…
what a powerful wish
I have been practicing both of these things
noticing how they support each other
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
Follow
So much about this post resonates.
My life has never been like other people’s lives – that doesn’t mean i’ve failed. At anything.
My life has been filled with adventurous episodes. Which is exactly the kind of life I always aspired to. So… I’m a Success! On my own terms, no less.
I’ll be 50 this summer.
I feel good about where I am, who I am.
I have many !!!!!! and <3 for
I Remember That Everything That Happens To Me Is Neutral, So I Release Stories Like It's My Job
That is an *excellent* superpower. I would like to share in that one, please.
Thank you for all the treasure that you share.
All of the superpowers this year have been amazingly applicable gifts, thank you Havi.
May 1 and May 2 both included lots of the sexy with fearless powerful presence. This morning I walked out my door and found the opportunity to glow love for a young woman in crisis and be fearlessly present.
This past week brought news that I need to find ways to get paid for my time ASAP, and also trust and confidence and love. Seeds sprouting both literal and figurative.
!!!!!!
It’s time for me to rewrite a story
about a story that I’m writing
that story is I *must* write, I *rush* to write,
I do not control what I am writing
and writing is not my strength
this story is perplexing because, in fact, I Chose this writing,
and each day I Choose to continue
the initial Choice was Yes — I am sure of this —
but that doesn’t mean continuing *must* be Yes
(Yes is both the opposite of Must
and the same as)
Must I continue?
No.
May I continue?
Yes.
what’s the difference between Yes and Yes?
this writing supports Yes
is a step toward Yes
that I am sure of
and yet I fight in each moment, to muster this Yes that is hidden,
to find it wherever it is hiding.
Is Finding the Yes, Yes?
Yes.
…
about strength, I wrote the other evening:
STRENGTH IS IRRELEVANT
which felt deeply inspiring
but I’m not sure why, yet…
…
maybe Yes is to find Yes, wherever it hides
to remind myself I am in control
to forgive myself for forgetting
to remember There Is Time
and in this way, There Will Be Time, enough
to remember, and
enough for Yes
i too am peeing in a jar this week
it is a jar newly emptied of
the delightful peanut butter pretzels it came with
(they were very tasty
but i also got them for the jar
it is the perfect jar for peeing in
also holding peanut butter pretzels
though not in that order)
i had thought to spend tonight in Trinidad
(named for the holy trinity,
a mystery of Christianity)
but as i got to Walsenburg
there was a sign
that i chose to take as a Clew
it said Highway of Legends
who would not want to drive the Highway of Legends?
but it was late in the day
i would have to hurry to make Trinidad in time
to find a walmart parking lot
OR
i could slow down
find a lovely library with lovely people
& lovely free wifi
take my sweet time
Do Less
tonight i will find a walmart in Walsenburg
or perhaps simply a quiet side street
(my van is very stealthy)
sleep well & long with my cats tucked in with me
drive the Highway of Legends
(i mean SERIOUSLY)
tomorrow, taking my sweet sweet time
Trinidad can wait
so can Albuquerque
i am not in a hurry!
it is lovely
Highway of Legends!
!!!bon courage!!!
I don’t have any words to say right now so I will just
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
all the resonance. And maybe this hum will contain my wishes for the week and this wild, wonderful month of May.
A grand adventure!
‘Nothing is a disaster.’
This is what the dragon tamer said, and she should know. She met many things that looked like disasters. Yesterday was her funeral, and we laughed and cried and danced in the aisles.
This week I wish for presence. Slow time. Savouring. Aliveness. Noticing. I’d like to be somebody who really appreciates food.
What beautiful, beautiful wishes <3
Salud to adventures and to recognizing when you're in the middle of one.
Progress on last week's wish: worked like a miracle. Thank you, me who wished.
This week's wish:
I'd love to start a new habit of creative leisure in the morning. Just doing whatever, no plan and no obligation. I want to open the space where Incoming Me could come and play with me every day (not just occasionally).
Ways this might work:
– Get up earlier (ugh)
– Put the tiny garden table out again
– Baby steps
– Talk to Incoming Me
– Try a theme (trees?), name the project? (tree tales? Suggestions welcome)
– Journal about what comes up during the process (or lack of it)
– Celebrate!
– Ask for support (Claire, Lisa's Facebook group, here?)
Support asking: if someone reading this wants to start a regular daily creative practice and chicken & talk about it, I'm open to being a celebration buddy of yours (not accountability buddy, because that's not fun).
I’d be interested in being Celebration Buddies or Chickening daily with you *smiles shyly*
Hey Magic, that sounds wonderful 🙂
Which medium of online communication do you like best? (I think I have pretty much all of them… Except Snapchat and WhatsApp). You can send me an email to hi (at) neladunato.com and we can continue over there.
Wow. This is one of your most amazing posts ever. WOW.
Dearest Havi,
Thank you for glowing legitimacy and permission and sweet courage. Regarding wild patience – one of my favorite juxtaposition of words. Adrienne Rich wrote a beautiful book of poetry titled ‘A Wild Patience has Taken Me This Far’ – this was my introduction to wild and attended.
wild patience!!! <3
also, thank you for writing about *art of passing, white lies and naps in parks*. I've been there and it is a big comfort to read about your experience.
Yes, I found this too–again, the Naming of Things. Things I didn’t even know would or could be named, much less should.
<3 !!!!
Beautiful wishes!!!!!!!!
—————
and before I write anythng else, I need to make clear that today is Monday. Yesterday was obviosly a Sunday [on a Thursday], so today is Monday and I get all the wishes:)
– there is this thing that would make faking being a grown up SO MUCH EASIER right now. And it kinda looks like my bus, but I don't know whether I am on the right bus stop right now, and that's sort of scary.
– dissolving the void – turned out I actually have forgotten how to do an entire emotion. And I want it back, even though it's one of those emotions that are often labled "bad" and "useless". No wonder it went away in the first place. Anyway, it would be nice get it back home, inside, again, Because I want to play Bach's prelude in C (with a vengeance) on the guitar, and I am missing the whole A-string.
– snouts
– figuring out the wild thing situation
– this is the month of ALL THE THINGS. And i would like to be present, even when not-so-nice things happens (and afterwards).
"it’s a full time job appearing to be someone who is not lost" yes it is. <3
<3
what beautiful wishes – may it be so! or something even better!
“turned out I actually have forgotten how to do an entire emotion. And I want it back, even though it’s one of those emotions that are often labled “bad” and “useless”. No wonder it went away in the first place. Anyway, it would be nice get it back home, inside, again, Because I want to play Bach’s prelude in C (with a vengeance) on the guitar, and I am missing the whole A-string.”
So. Powerful.
All week i’ve been reflecting on Everything That Happens to Me Is Neutral.
I’m finding (video game) ways to interrupt my old patterns.
This timing has been excellent. Cousin told me my parents will be visiting her next week. Supposedly my father will be handed Stuff-i-Sent, plus a letter from me. (I had half-expected Cousin to read the letter, then throw it away before my father saw it.)
Instead of 5 days of nonstop anxiety, I can disrupt the pattern: I’ve been practicing!
Thank you Havi.
Warm Wishes to all that feel Lost (even if they’re not really lost but it feels that way right now).
(Maybe we’re a bit like Peter Pan’s crew, but waaaaaay more fun and quirky and deliciously aware and actively processing… why, of course)
(*cough* That was so me wanting to personalise a message yet NOT wanting to personalise this message! I do hope it lands where tis most needed)