A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Ongoing investigations into the art of the third way

This is one of those weeks

Sometimes, often even, I think I want to write about one thing, and then I sit down for Writing Hour(s), and it turns out I want to write about something entirely other than the theme that has been consuming me and my attention all week.

And when I say consuming, I mean that it has been consuming my mind in a good way. A delicous obsession.

But then something else feels more vital in the moment of writing hour, and so I follow that instead.

This is one of those weeks.

A breath for entry

I thought I wanted to explore more on last week’s themes related to ”how do we keep on existing and doing the mundane tasks of this world while it is on fire, and the horrors are so horrific…”

And also for us to keep thinking about surprising moments of transcendence, grace and activated presence.

Luckily, a favorite writer, Etgar Keret, touched on this, a little, and quite movingly, in a way that is more beautiful and compelling than wherever I might have been going with this theme…

So I will direct you to his just-right words, even just-right in translation, and I will mull on a different but not wholly unrelated theme that has been in play for me lately.

A breath for entry

A breath for existing in hard times, and a breath for approaching from the edges.

A breath for entry, and sometimes the entry is sideways or circuitous, but the whimsy and the unexpected are part of the magic, part of the delight.

Let’s explore something about a third way, or many ways that are not the immediate options that come to mind, not plan A and not plan B, but a secret third thing.

Something that blows all the boring, predictable options out of the water.

Not following directions

I intensely dislike being told what to do.

I mean, sure, there is a place and time for everything, and sometimes being given instructions is wildly, irresistibly, unquestionably hot.

Generally speaking though, I do not react well to being told what to do. This is an understatement. I am a rebellious cowboy at a soul level.

Not the thing, not the opposite of the thing

Some people think or assume that I just instinctively do the opposite of whatever I’m told, which is, or can be, its own beautiful practice, done intentionally, and can be fun to play with. Absolutely give it a try if you haven’t.

However, I was raised by someone who was deeply into reverse psychology…

And because of this, my tendency is to assume that everything is a trap.

What does it mean that I tend to assume everything is a trap

Okay, so not only is doing what I’m told A TRAP…

But probably doing the opposite is ALSO A TRAP!

And then I feel the familiar THIS IS A TRAP sensations in my body. Constriction.

And maybe a bit of: Where is the epi-pen for being told what to do?

What I am seeking is the freedom of going my way, unexpectedly.

This explains a lot

This is why, if someone tells me what to do, here is what happens:

I will immediately do whatever seems like the thing no one would ever expect me to do! Something they couldn’t even guess or dream up.

Tell me what to do? I will find the most unlikely scenario imaginable and do that instead.

Do I sometimes end up in a trap anyway? Sure, but at least it’s one I invented for myself, and I can also third-way maneuver my way out of it.

Moving purposefully towards the most unlikely scenario…

What’s the most unlikely way I could respond to someone telling me what they think I should be doing? Great! Let’s try that!

Sometimes this is fun, because, again, I have a rebellious spirit who loves to carve out even more freedom, and escape routes. Oh, you presented me with a trap? WATCH THIS.

Sometimes this is interesting, because the unanticipated path turns out to be full of surprises.

Sometimes this is just something I notice about myself.

I would like to be able to hold onto the art of [knowing there is always a third way, another option] without the reactiveness, where I lose my cool.

Not following direction, generally

Even more so than not following directions…

It’s not just that I do not react well to being told what to do generally, but especially to someone not receiving a no from me no matter how gently or diplomatically or clearly I try to phrase it and frame it.

My rebelliousness goes up 1000%, immediately, when I clarity my yes or my preference, and the other person is like, no you should do this other thing instead that I want you to do.

And I can get a little obnoxious, a little reactive, I am all pushback to the pushing. Or I exit entirely.

Or I go off to do the most unexpected thing I can think of in response…

That’s a challenge!

Tell me I’m not something enough, or that I’m too much of something else?

I WILL TURN IT UP 25% MORE SO THAT NOBODY CAN MISS IT.

That’s a CHALLENGE!!! 🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️

Let’s gooooo!

And this is true for pretty much everything…

Not doing the thing that was suggested, not doing the opposite, but a secret third thing, but also turning it up and then turning it up some more. Getting obnoxious on purpose. You wanna play?

Sometimes this is useful

As my beloved friend The Arborist, a fellow practitioner of finding elusive, unlikely, and unexpected third ways, likes to say:

“All of this is impossible, impractical, unrealistic, yet when I slow down enough to see where possible, practical, and realistic have gotten me… impossible, impractical and unrealistic are pretty compelling!”

Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.

They are. And this too is part of finding another way, maybe a less reactive one and a more playful one, but exploring in new directions.

Tuning into the beautiful and often-lost art of “yeah, the art of impractical, unrealistic and impossible is exactly what we are going for actually!”

More on this

The other day, at dance, someone tapped me on the back and I immediately knew, before I even turned around, that I would not wish to dance with whomever it was…

In part because anyone who knows me knows to approach from where I can see them, and in part because it was just a feeling.

Normally I do not ignore these bell-sounds of internal information or somatic clarity as they announce themselves, but I had just danced with this person’s wife who was lovely, and the wife had told me that this person really wanted to dance with me.

And so, against instinct, and in the interest of politeness in a community that it’s important to me, etc, the usual things, I said yes when I was not fully a yes…

It went pretty much how you’d expect

The dance was miserable. The song seemingly would not end, and the thing with live music is you can’t even guess when it might end!

There was a huge mismatch in energy and in approach between me and the person I was dancing with.

I dance for joy, connection, creative play, the intimacy of inventing a shared language, and so on.

They apparently dance as a way of telling other people what to do, they want to play ping pong and they want me to be their perfect ping pong ball.

This person told me they had been waiting for over an hour to dance with me, but that I am constantly being “monopolized”. I said, “Well, we are here now, let’s enjoy this.”

Was it????

They proceeded to correct me, give me verbal instructions on the dance floor, try to fix my reactions to their suggestions.

They would say things like: “That was a SPIN. You didn’t spin. Let’s try that again.”

My response: If that was a spin I would have spun.

My favorite people to dance with are much more skilled at leading a spin, I don’t even think about it, because the first rule of dance is follow the path of least resistance, and if you don’t know don’t go…

But more importantly, the people I enjoy dancing with delight in the unexpected, and so they are fun and easy to play with.

In service of play

I don’t need to be rebellious and do something unexpected intentionally when I’m dancing with my favorite dance partners, because together we are having so much fun discovering what each moment might bring.

Or maybe I’m still rebellious but it’s a different form or flavor of rebellion, a fun one that invites more connection and more play…

Rebellious and you love it

A dance friend of mine likes to tell a story about dancing, years ago, with another dance friend of ours, who is an accomplished tango dancer in addition to the forms of dance that we like to dance…

Apparently my friend indicated or suggested a certain type of turn, and Shelley turned the opposite way.

My friend said to her, warmly, delightedly, laughing: You are incorrigible!

And she said, twinkling back: Yes, and you love it!

Intention, and twinkle

I was thinking on all of this before yoga practice today.

About how I wish to sometimes be incorrigible and also Menacingly Sexy, which is something else the Arborist says about me that I love and appreciate…

But mainly I wish to find joy and sparkle in doing the unexpected and unanticipated, and not only do it as a walking middle finger to people who try to tell me what to do, which is really about them and not about me…

To stay incorrigible and rebellious, and to do with a greater amount of grace, if and when I am able, instead of getting reactive and escalating.

Arising

Here is a clue from a phrase or intention that rose up in my heart and mind spontaneously at the end of the physical practice today:

I am a highly concentrated, well-boundaries beam of love.

I AM A HIGHLY CONCENTRATED WELL-BOUNDARIED BEAM OF LOVE

Or another way to frame this: what if being a panther-jaguar and assassin and cowboy and ray of light are all the same?

What if! What is or can be possible here?!

What if I can be a rebellious beam of light? Can I beam love into the world while staying wholly self-contained and true to myself and my Known Yeses?

Can I warmly, politely if possible, be clear and firm and loving all at the same time, without taking things as a personal challenge?

Or can I have even more fun taking on these moments of OH YEAH? CHALLENGE EXCEPTED!!!

What are my wishes in this moment?

I wish to be true to my rebellious spirit.

More than that, I wish to choose love and loving-kindness and loving-clarity, and also: not at the cost of my quiet inner yeses.

As I seek various third ways in all situations, internally and in my life, and in community, and in relation to what’s going on the world, and all of that…

Graceful navigation

Looking for graceful navigation that is creative and playful, the embodiment of “what is deliciously impossible, impractical and unrealistic..”

Also I am revisiting some of what I was thinking about here ten years ago when I wrote about something I called “Oh no please don’t go…!”

Also, last week I wrote about a sanctuary of beaming, so maybe this wish is a continuation of last week’s themes after all…

Embracing incorrigible, and amplifying it, for fun, with love

How can I be incorrigible, with an enormous amount of love in my heart.

A beam of well-boundaried love, glowing inward and outward, a healing in all directions, forwards and backwards and throughout time itself…

Challenge accepted! Turn it up!

25% Even More Sexy, More Rebellious, More Delightfully Incorrigible, More Available for Good Surprises, let’s goooooo!

Turn it up! And not just a little…

And not just a little.

Let’s start with 25% just for fun.

Just so no one can miss it, even someone who thinks dance is ping pong and I am the most obedient magic ping pong ball…

When actually I am a beam of light, an assassin, a sexy cowboy, a rebellious rebel, alive.

Alive, alive, alive, alive…

May it be so, or something even better

Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.

I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.

Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.