A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement on Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques, and it helps.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤

Best possible outcomes (and the leprechaun brigade)

Ramshackle

I live in very rural New Mexico, and the primary characteristic of this area, other than the breathtaking natural beauty, is that the general aesthetic is extremely ramshackle.

Gates are often made from sticks with wire wrapped around them. Barns and sometimes even homes appear to be in an advanced state of decomposition.

Everything is creatively assembled and also leaning, and not just leaning but leaning more than it should be, at an angle that is either overtly dangerous or, at best medium-worrisome.

Will it / won’t it / when

Will this structure fall down before it decays or decay before it falls?

That is a question my mind is often toying with as I make my way along the winding mountain roads.

It’s the wild west and there are no rules or regulations or permits. Things will go how they go, but the way they are going is towards collapse.

Live and let live

When it comes to other people’s properties, I am live and let live. When it comes to mine, I am vaguely hopeful that things will improve, whenever that happens.

When I first moved out here six years ago, I was somewhat concerned about my very tilted mailbox pole…

And, over the years, I have hired people (twice!) to make things right, but those fixes turned out to be extremely temporary, and I got tired of throwing good money after bad, which also seems to be a theme.

About three times a week, I would think about this one problem on my list of seemingly infinite problems, hope for a solution to offer itself, and shrug.

Until this spring.

It solves itself, but in an unexpected way

One day there was a note for me in my ramshackle dangerously-tilted mailbox, from the post office, informing me that I had a week to get the pole fixed, or they would stop delivering mail.

Except I don’t check my mailbox very often so by the time I got the notice, I had three days remaining to get it fixed.

And not fixing it wasn’t an option, because I was waiting on some medication I needed to be delivered.

I volunteer at a local food distribution center, and so I told my friends there about this challenge that had suddenly switched gears from minor irritation into emergency…

One had a pole the right size and one had an 80lb bag of quick-dry cement in their shed, and we got it done. In under the wire, like James Bond. The day before mail service would have stopped.

Sometimes

It turns out this is a very effective way to motivate me. Or at least sometimes it is.

My ADHD brain means I get easily overwhelmed by the list of things, ordistracted by any project that seems either more fun or more urgent!

Or I simply find myself frozen and unable to move in any direction at all.

But this combination of a consequence, and a clear date by which the problem needed to be resolved really lit a useful fire for me.

I found myself half-wishing that everything else on my list came with similar urgency. Not so scary so that I would freeze in the face of it, but just threatening enough that I could take some action steps.

The right amount and the right flavor of perceived urgency. And ta da, it solves itself. Because it has to.

Conundra

Obviously this is not the first time I have had thoughts about this.

I am often thinking about this exact conundrum.

And also related conundra.

For example, how sometimes the answer to to a stuck project and getting something to solve itself is TAKE ANY STEPS and JUST START.

And other times you have to let things percolate. Trying to force action doesn’t work. You gotta take a breath, press pause, light a candle for best possible outcomes, tell everyone about your wish, and wait.

But there isn’t a good way to know which of these situations you are currently in, is there? Not that I know of.

I test the waters and wait. Test the waters and wait.

Especially especially ramshackle and leaning

I was talking to my friend Laura about how I wish my especially ramshackle Leaning Electrical Pole of Pisa situation would resolve itself too, ideally as speedily and easily as the leaning mailbox pole situation did.

This project has had me stymied for years. I have contacted a dozen electricians, made endless phone calls, consulted with contractors.

No one seemed to know exactly what the phases of the project would be, or in what order they needed to happen, and they couldn’t even agree on how dangerous the current amount of leaning might be…

Each time I’d start chipping away at my pile of questions and concerns, and then get stuck and give up.

“You know what I need?” I said. “A scary letter from the electrical company, I need to be threatened by them into taking care of this project the way the post office did. But I don’t actually want to be scared. I only want to be sort of scared, the right amount.”

“I got you,” Laura assured me.

Leprechauns

In my inbox was a hilarious and brilliant email from Laura with this absolutely devastating subject line:

FINAL NOTICE: Electrical Infrastructure Replacement

To Whom It May Concern,

Pursuant to prior unacknowledged notification delivered via avian messenger, the homeowner residing at [ADDRESS REDACTED] is heretofore informed that should the stationary electrical infrastructure currently stationed outside of the residence is not substantively improved or replaced by St Patrick’s Day, Tuesday, March 17th, all electrical provisioning to the property will cease.

Our team of Lightly Equipped Personnel Repossessors (LEP-RECOS) will dismantle all previous connections during the third shift. Property owners are not to interfere with, acknowledge, or even view these workers, for whom privacy is of the utmost importance. Any interaction will result in the swift exit of this personnel from the current plane of reality and an additional fine will be levied for the obstruction.

Set into motion

As you might tell by the fact that we are nearly into the month of May, this issue did not get resolved by Mid-March.

But here is what did happen:

It made me laugh, which I needed.

It also got me to renew my efforts and ask everyone I know if they knew someone who could help.

And it turns out that my friend’s daughter lives next door to an electrician who has overseen this exact project multiple times, and knows exactly what the steps are and the exact right order.

Motivated

The project is more complicated, expensive, disruptive and annoying than I had hoped, and it is not going particularly smoothly.

But each week one or two steps on forward progress are achieved, and then I get update Laura so that she will keep the leprechauns at bay.

I am highly motivated by appeasing the leprechauns too, as it turns out.

Which is another unexpected outcome. I like it. Unexpected and delightful.

Best possible outcomes

Each day I light a candle for Best Possible Outcomes, whatever they might be, for this and for everything.

And sometimes I get a good surprise.

For example, the electrical company approved my wish for where to place the new pole, even though their regulations would technically require it to somewhere that would mean more expense for me.

Or someone was able to come fix my gate before the new pole got delivered. And so on.

I love a good surprise. This too is part of Best Possible Outcomes.

Anagrams

Here are some anagrams for Deadline:

I am DIALED EN to an IDEAL END point in my IDEAL DEN, studying Denial Ed (like Drivers ed?) or An Idle Ed.

Or we can make them plural…

Deadlines = Ideal Dens, Ideal Send, Leaded Sin, Sailed End, Leads Dine, Idle Sedan, SLAIN DEED, A Need Slid, Senile Dad…

Where is the fun and the oomph

Where is the fun and oomph in just a little bit of urgency, before the urgency tips into fear and stuck.

Where can urgency get playful? When is a deadline fun? Or how could it get fun?

This is what I am experimenting with and investigating these days.

And also: how does it relate to Trust In Best Possible Outcomes?

How does this relate to Trust In Best Possible Outcomes

The new pole got installed but there was a crack in it, so had to reschedule that too.

Truly it is Always Something and if it is not One Thing it is assuredly Another…

And okay, this is a known phenomenon, and also: where is the treasure?

If best possible outcomes are happening, then my job is patience.

And if it seems like they are not happening, then my job might be fortification of boundaries and getting better at speaking my desires clearly.

And if I don’t know if they are happening or not, then my job is to light more candles, journal, breathe, get clear, brainstorm, wish-storm, keep spreading the word.

What does this project need

You all know how much I like to talk to a project. I mainly like it because it is often surprising.

So let’s talk to the project of New Electrical Pole.

Havi: Project, tell me what you’re all about please?
Project: It’s your project, you tell me!

Havi: It’s about right relationship, making things right, everything in its place, order, harmony, congruence, right timing, the right connections, safety, sanctuary, and belonging.
Project: See? You know a lot more about me than you think you do.

Havi: Project, tell me what you need?
Project: Trust in yourself, trust in me, trust in the process. No forcing, no holding back also means not pushing but not abdicating responsibility. If someone isn’t doing what you like, then state that clearly. Don’t be overly accommodating and “oh I’m so flexible”. And at the same time, this isn’t going to work through forcing and powering through.

So what does that mean

Havi: So what does that mean? It seems like a lot of tightrope walking?
Project: It doesn’t need to be. Everything is an opportunity for do-overs and for making this space your own, for feeling at home in yourself and where you live.

Havi: So this isn’t even about the pole?
Project: It’s not even slightly about the pole. Though don’t you miss pole dancing?

Havi: You want me to get back into pole dancing? I am barely making it through sun salutations these days. I am NEARLY HALF A CENTURY years old!
Project: I want you to find your way back into your sense of fun, your sense of play, your sense of power. Don’t you miss being a glamorous and dangerous force to be reckoned with?

Havi: I do, kind of, a lot.
Project: Alright then!

Candles for Best Possible Outcomes

The leprechaun brigade has been temporarily appeased.

Progress is happening. Not according to the first arbitrary deadline but that arbitrary deadline is what set the process into motion and is keeping it moving.

And reporting back to the leprechauns is keeping me accountable.

And the candles stay lit.

The candles stay lit

The candles, some real, some imaginary, stay lit for Best Possible Outcomes…

Meanwhile I am learning quite a bit about what my projects are really about and what they need from me, as well as what I need from them.

Getting going on this project also got me to do a big Spring Cleaning Deep Gleaming for my home, and I solved some other smaller problems along the way while I was in problem-solving mode.

And the noise of pole installation got me to go work in a new location, which got me to take a writing day.

It is all solving itself, just not in the way I thought it would, but what if that too is a form of treasure? It might be!

I am staying receptive to all kinds of good surprises and all the unlikely and beautiful ways things might solve themselves, and that might even be the true project.

May it be so, or something even better

Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.

I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.

Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.