the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 359th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
here, now
some weeks I almost cannot bear to sit down and
hear my wishes
never mind write them down
because I feel so much and such passionate intensity
that I can’t even approach
afraid to pull on one thread
and see just how much there is to my desire
so maybe this is also a wish about that
in addition to being about
boundaries and bells
Jen
Jen is the only person who can tell me
to relax
or really,
Jen is the only person who can say it with the result that
I will in fact relax
and not want to punch her in the face
she says it about thirty seven times per song
when we dance together in our lessons
and for the longest time I couldn’t tell the difference
between relaxed-me and not-relaxed-me
I couldn’t tell how she knew
but now I feel when she says it
I feel
I feel how I have tensed up without meaning to and am clinging
and I feel how it feels to not be doing that
and I feel how it feels to
trust that one day I will feel all this before
she needs to point it out to me
what happens when I relax
shoulders drop
I feel more grounded
Jen says that she sees me soften but in that softening I have
more power and more strength
I am suddenly aware of the ways in which I was not relaxed
oh and my dancing gets better and also I’m smiling
the superpower of shoulders down
last week I rented studio space to practice for two hours
this might sound like lot of physical exertion
but 90% of dance is taking one step or maybe two
then squinting into a mirror or staring into space
trying to figure out what felt off
my two hours alone with the mirror didn’t help with
any of the things I thought I was there to work on
but it gave me one very key piece of information:
when I let myself drop my shoulders
(an act of releasing effort, not of more effort)
anything I do looks better
even if I’m still doing it “wrong”
it still seems more authoritative,
confident, graceful, powerful, intentional
I can’t currently afford to rent studio time as often as I’d like
and my basement still isn’t ready for use
but I can whisper to myself a thousand times a day
hey my love how about shoulders down
and that is my practice for dance/life
rigging
one of the ways in which the rigged game is so very rigged
is that our culture has no built-in mechanisms for
pausing-and-reflecting
we are constantly encountering
unexpected or uncomfortable moments,
because life is full of these,
and we don’t have space to receive them, process them, figure out how we feel,
to let the moment land and let ourselves land in the moment
there is no agreed-upon word or hand-gesture to use
with friends and strangers alike
something that might mean
“I need to take a minute here to absorb what just happened”
or maybe “I am gathering myself and my thoughts”
windows
on the plane to Detroit someone took my window seat
his was supposed to be the window seat on the opposite side
I shrugged and sat in the seat that should have been his
and then ended up on the receiving end of
unwanted attention and touching from the creep behind me
who of course denied it, in the tradition of creeps everywhere
I Am Okay and Nothing Is Wrong and I was brave
and tough and established boundaries and moved seats but also I wonder…
possibilities
if some shared signal or ritual existed, if
taking a moment was universally acknowledged as healthy and okay
or if I made this my choice anyway
and stopped to reflect instead of just acquiescing
because social conditioning says don’t make a fuss
what could have happened instead
(1) I might have remembered something
when past-me chose my seat several months ago,
she specifically requested advice from Wisest Me, who
unhesitatingly said to take the window on the right side of the plane,
after which I might have taken a breath and
asked the guy to exit my seat,
letting go of the worry of
What If This Complete Stranger Thinks I’m Being Petty And Fussy And Entitled….
(2) I might have noticed the tightness
in my chest and the perceived need to hurry,
the flight attendant urging everyone to take their seats,
and perhaps also noticing the no
my body was giving me about the new seat,
respecting it without needing to know why it was a no….
all roads lead to…
my guess is that in all imagined situations
I would have had to stand up for myself to some degree
whether over seat-assignment
(when cultural conditioning says why can’t you just be accommodating)
or with the creep behind me
(when cultural conditioning says don’t make trouble)
or who knows, but I would have had to take a stand over something
all roads lead to boundary-setting
or to whatever my current life theme might be
and this is mine
there is no pass that lets me
skip this level of the video game
I am here to learn how to
take up space in this world
stand up for myself
layer on experiences of safety
claim space for myself
claim time for myself to get quiet and listen
(so that I can hear what I already know)
to trust my instincts harder than I ever have before
and not put up with bullshit
full-body no
it is the full-body no that wakes me in dark pre-morning hours
the full-body no that tells me
I need to back out of the thing I said yes to
because I don’t have the capacity
or there’s weird energy from someone
or maybe it just wasn’t my yes to begin with
it is the no that I would know
in the moment
if I took a moment
if I remembered that it is okay for me to take a moment
to reconnect with myself and my desires
drop shoulders (again)
breathe
be here now
again
my favorite part of a guided yoga meditation on my phone
is when the instructor suggests that I relax my jaw
I do and then she says “good, now relax your jaw again” and I laugh
every single time
even though I know it’s coming
because I never really relax the first time
it was just the beginning of letting go
and there is always more
more to soften, more to release, more ease
if I take a moment to get there
I want to drop my shoulders and then drop my shoulders again
I want to take a moment to breathe and then take a moment again
I want to say my no, and then say my no again
(whether to the same thing or to something else)
let this be my normal
I want this sweetness to become normal, habitual
granted to myself with generosity
of course there’s time to relax my jaw and relax my jaw again
of course there’s time to find out if the thing I thought was my yes is still my yes
thinking about small (in this sense)
I told Jen that instead of working on dance I have been
just relaxing my shoulders as I go through life
and she said,
“all the time you spend focusing on fine points —
whether you are in the studio or not, in front of a mirror or not,
thinking of it as dancing or not,
this makes all the difference in the big picture
and anyway slow and steady will serve your other projects as well
if you can trust the process
so relax”
she thinks she’s my dance teacher but really she’s my
relax about life teacher
thinking about small (in another sense)
oh the accumulated micro-aggressions, or unbridled jackassery
I shrug away each one because it’s just a drop
until the cup is too full
and I am suddenly hyperventilating in the bathroom and don’t know why
this is so important!
these not-okay moments that we are supposed to see as small are not small
these body-no moments are not small
these ignoring-my-no moments are not small
we are told that we should just let them roll off
but they have a residue
small adds up
small is not small at all
a conversation with my wishes
I had so much trouble writing about these wishes
so I asked them to tell me what they wanted me to know
and they said Trust Life More
then they told me that I am still really sad about
my mom and I need to let that be okay
my wishes said:
it is okay to be in big grief
you are just in a culture where there is no room for this
there is no model for what it even looks like to make/take room for this
and this is also related to boundaries because
when there is this big mismatch between culture and actual needs,
it is revolutionary for you to tend to your needs first
so tend to your needs first
they said:
cry, find a supportive environment,
eat food that feels good to you,
and please trust that when-and-how you write these wishes is correct
“she knew she would get there on time”
first detroit epiphany
the trick to not being overwhelmed is Presence
the trick to Presence is pausing and taking a breath
the trick to remembering I’m allowed to do that is Sovereignty
the trick to Sovereignty is boundaries
the trick to boundaries is being willing to say Hey I Feel Uncomfortable
the trick to being willing to say that
(other than knowing the cost of not saying it)
is practice practice practice practice
second detroit epiphany
turn up not on
in other words
when my boundaries and force field and panther grace are
already in play, I just need to turn up the volume
but if I forget they exist until I need them
then it’s begin again from zero
when I’m already exhausted, depleted, overwhelmed, scared, disconnected
time to begin from light
which means
relax my jaw, relax my jaw again
pause and breathe, pause and breathe again
drop shoulders
stand in my power
glow
what do I know about my wish
being a bell (resonant, clear, cutting through space) creates a beautiful boundary
and it is also beautiful boundaries that preserve my bell-ness
in order to ring at maximum bell state
there are conditions that need to be in place
and that is what this wish is about, I think,
being someone who prioritizes those conditions so greatly
that I will not compromise them
being at my most resonant is both the kindest thing I can do for myself
and a great service to the world
I would like to remember this
even if it requires repeating it to myself several thousand times a day
until eventually I just live it
now
I texted Sarah about how I want her to
teach me cha cha as if I didn’t know cha cha and
as if she didn’t want me to know that she was teaching me cha cha
like, how would she go about tricking me into acquiring
the presence and body awareness required
to excel at cha cha?
but really when I said cha cha I meant being a panther
and then an hour later I was at the grocery store
staring intently at a jar of olive spread with a goddess on it
when someone whispered in my ear
“the answer is yes”
and it was her
(Sarah, not the goddess from the jar)
and then she hugged me and ran away
and this really happened
which is to say
this is a small sweet funny world that we live in
and why not believe in big joy and magic
the superpower of sexy fearless powerful presence
this month is WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
I have been wilding hard, and this is right
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called who shines the light of this fierce independence …
and hahahaha it was about boundaries and so many other things
I also got to be the Divorced Almost Forty Year Year Old
modeling joyful life at the wedding
which is important
I am shining the light of this fierce independence anywhere I can
in me and through me and into all the dimly lit spaces
and the unknown
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
Follow
“I do and then she says “good, now relax your jaw again” and I laugh
every single time
even though I know it’s coming
because I never really relax the first time
it was just the beginning of letting go
and there is always more
more to soften, more to release, more ease
if I take a moment to get there
I want to drop my shoulders and then drop my shoulders again
I want to take a moment to breathe and then take a moment again
I want to say my no, and then say my no again
(whether to the same thing or to something else)”
THIS!!! <3 Gonna write it down and tape it to my desk.
It's been a while since I wished consciously (how do we do this again?) so I'm just gonna improvise the wish.
I WISH FOR …
1. More silence, more and more and more silence so that I can hear *what I already know*, as Havi said. Oh my dear god, I want this so badly. I am already on track to getting it, and haha CRUISE CONTROL ON SILENCE. That is the best. (also just one guy possibly).
Not everything requires a response. Separate what is mine from what is not mine, which is most things, and dig into the truth-kernel, but with dropped shoulders. Shhhhhhh.
2. There is a tiny sweet thing which also scares the living daylights out of me, and I thought my wish had to do with Trust, but actually it doesn't. (I mean, yes, in the broad sense, it is always about trust, but it is not the right word-bell for me right now.) AND! The right word-bell for me right now is Appreciation. When a lovely thing enters emptiness and silence, my relationship to it used to be to project what I think it wants to be in the future. But I am releasing my pattern around that. Now my response is to say and glow 'oh holy wow, thank you' and bask in its current loveliness because I can't peel my eyes off of it anyhow. Wow, look at you, look at you, you jewel, you tiny and sweet yet bold and self-assured show-off, how quietly and exquisitely you glow. Thank you for illuminating my internal space, and look at me relax, and relax some more, in response to you.
3. An old friend of mine used to always say, "walk in there like you fucking own the place." She would say this to embolden us to break into swimming pools at fancy hotels when we were bored and up to mischief. She actually always modeled this perfectly; did things wildly outside of her comfort zone, asked for things she wanted, took what she wanted without asking for permission (in a "fuck yeah I've got my crown on" kind of a way, not in a klepto kind of a way). These days, I am thinking about how I would live if I had already "achieved" everything I wanted and never needed to prove anything to anyone ever again or had to earn another penny for a living ever again. This isn't so much about 'goals' or anything blah like that, but more about permission, and actually also RELAXING MORE, AND THEN RELAXING SOME MORE thing because why would I be tense in any way if I were already a millionaire who had achieved all the things and everyone (including myself!) always just assumed that I had everything figured out and all there was left to do was for me to discover and to play, if and when I felt like it?
Anyway this feels like an important mission.
<3
<3 !!!
!!!!!!!!!
Some jackassery has me feeling tired and resentful. Wishing for force fields and antidotes and grace.
My instincts are chanting “fox in the video game” about the situations. I can’t magically vanish Other People’s Stuff in My Way, but I can gobble up points by tending to my tribe and my plants and my notes. Which is what I want to do anyway.
Warm wishes to y’all for safety and sleep and sparkling splendor.
Oh, Havi, thank you, I am having a hard few moments and reading this has helped so much!
I am wishing — oh, I know! — I am wishing for deep awareness of my favorite qualities, Creativity and Love and Sovereignty and Magic, and I am wishing for these qualities to bubble beautifully to surface and swirl around and through me, and flow into every challenge I face. May it be so. <3
Also wishing you bubbles of CALMS (Creativity and Love, Magic, Sovereignty)
I love the CALMS acronym!
Oooh, that’s *excellent*! Thank you! <3
Part of me doesn’t want me to say this but
I sometimes think about everything I’m doing as sex:
‘How would I act/be if this were sex?’ … instead of whatever it really is
and it always works! And now I realize
It’s just because I’m relaxing
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
“there is no pass that lets me
skip this level of the video game”
thank-you for that. that’s exactly what I needed to hear
It’s vital to pause and wish here, now, this level of the game seems impossible and I want it to be over
and I know it WILL be over
but I still don’t know how, except
Maybe I do.
I met an imaginary friend who is really me, who is always smiling, glowing love and support and who KNOWS that I can, even when I don’t
I think the more i Trust her, things will get easier
but there’s also something else, I’m puzzling out
the trick is to BELIEVE but how do I do that? That is the real mission, to find out how to find out.
If i concentrate *everything* on listening, stillness, I can see the path forward
It’s right here, there is no obstacle
it’s just a matter of looking and seeing
But i feel there is more to wish also, more to this wish, still hiding
Where are you, wish?
it has to do with the return of Trust, the flipside
Opening to the rewards of it
I think I don’t Trust when i don’t embody the deserving of pleasure, the world gives back too much, too fast, I don’t know how to BE this rush of life if I let it be here, in me
I think this wish is about closing the loop, returning to the earth
oh right! the trees know
of course! I wish to be a tree
i know you, old friend
<3
‘How would I act/be if this were sex?’
ahahahahaha sooooo brilliant. LOVE IT.
“oh right! the trees know
of course! I wish to be a tree”
I’ve had the same thought the other day. I asked myself “if I did a tattoo what would it be?” and the theme of trees came up for multiple reasons. Trees have so much to teach.
“How would I act/be if this were sex?” is an interesting question! I’ve been using the question “What would I do if this was an art project?” in the same manner. I wonder what else people might come up with.
I SO SO LOVE thinking-about-things-as-other-things!
What would i do if this was…
something i did every day?
the first time?
the last time?
the only time?
What would i do if this was…
no big deal.
THE most important thing.
my absolute passion.
What would i do if this was…
MY story
I love the story of Sarah and the goddess from the olive jar!
Today I revisit a level of the video game
with a new and interesting (what?) antagonist/assistant/opposite number
intimidating in their skills/accomplishments/knowledge/strength
they soar through tasks that I find challenging
or have yet to complete at all
and I hate this level because it’s hard
and I love it because it’s such fun
chest-tightening heart-pounding uncontrollable-smiling fun
last time I did this level I thought that the solution
was to become more like this other character
(it was a different character then)
but this time round I’m better grounded, I know more about being sufficient in myself
and I don’t think that’s the answer
or at least not all of it
maybe there isn’t an answer
maybe it’s just that it’s May
in fact, I should like to say that the timing is *hilarious*
seven years
very funny, universe
it was seven years last time, too
whatever the reason!
may I greet this with trust and curiosity
and integrity and dignity
laughter and joy
let me enjoy it
insofar as this is possible
and let me note here
that I’m grateful that I remember it’s a level I’ve visited before
more than once, in fact
(I forgot that last time)
and that I’m grateful that the fact that this time it’s this character who has come out to challenge me
proves (if proof were needed, which it isn’t) that my hat’s on properly.
mmmm here’s to the superpowers of Sufficient In Myself, yes and <3
Sufficiency!
Seven!
Hats!
What beautiful wishes! <3 <3 <3
Gratefully invoking the glorious superpowers of Shoulders Down and Sexy Fearless Powerful Presence. Wishing for these superpowers to infuse and transform my encounters with all the uncomfortable moments of transition that this week has held/continues to hold.
Noticing that all is well. Noticing that I have to say: no, really, all is well. Still, again, forever: all is well. Wishing for the knowledge to sink into my bones.
Really, really resonating with the part that where there isn’t a way to skip this level.
So here’s my woem about that…
Next week was supposed to be my Sabbatical week,
where I’m immersed in art projects and not caring about anything else.
The situation where I was challenged to put on
all the boundaries every step of the way
still isn’t done
(will it ever be done?)
and I’m being bullied into signing agreements I never agreed to
to the point where I called a lawyer for the first time in my life
just to feel safe that there’s someone in my corner who can offer actual practical help
(as opposed to “you can do it!” from friends which is lovely and I’m grateful to have such friends, but doesn’t make me feel any *safer* in this situation.)
This situation dug up all sorts of stuff from Tiny Me who is living in constant fear
and I wasn’t even aware that she did, until I’ve felt
for a brief moment
what it’s like to be fully present and not have this fear taking up space in my chest.
So I guess my wish is for and about safety
feeling safe in my tiny, fragile body
and my tiny, fragile business
I wish to feel safe
and I wish for a perfect, simple solution so that I may never see or hear this person again in my life
and when I meet someone like them who threatens my internal sense of safety, I trust my instincts that warn me from getting into any kind of relationship with them, and I Gracefully Disappear in the opposite direction (I could really use that superpower).
I wish to be willing to meet myself with care and love
and take all the time I need to recover from this experience that has left me in a state of shock (even as I’m still in it).
Maybe this Sabbatical was planned for just this occasion, and not art making as past me thought when she put it on the calendar.
I feel gratitude for this space
but finding the words to express in a non-clichéy way is too much effort for my worn down, hungover self at the moment
so I’ll just say a simple
Thank you
to everyone reading this
and hope it’s enough.
<3
<3
Gaa, heartfelt resonation (why is resonation not in the dictionary? here, Nela. I don’t think I mastered the ‘Beat the Bully’ level—but I did get a sort of pass, so it all just sort of stopped (sort of)… I must have swallowed a jewel somewhere along the way without realising! Wishing you Jewels AND Mastery, Nela.
Thank you!
That makes me hopeful, the possibility of using a magic item could make the problem go away? I didn’t consider that.
Also I got an insight in how I can master the bully, something that never occurred to me before – I can put a proxy between us, ie. my lawyer friend. Suddenly this makes it possible for me to never, ever read another email tirade or tense up every time the phone rings dreading it might be them… I don’t have to beat them singlehandedly, I can have support that grants me safety. Quite a revolutionary concept for me.
Thumbs up for safety, support and solidarity!
Sending you oodles of Safety in every direction, from your body to your heart to your creativity to your business. May your Sabbatical magically turn into Just What You Need in the Most Luxurious Way, not just more defences as required for brutal bullying. (Something like, “Oh you again? Stop being silly and go away, we’re finished!” as you return to Sabbatical Luxuriating!
In your corner…
Thank you, dear Magic. This means a lot <3
May it be so.
I scheduled myself a DIY art/writing retreat some time back. And it was a wonderful, rejuvenating, absolutely essential week. But I did almost no art or writing.
I’ve since realized about myself that I don’t ‘get things right’ the 1st time I do them, nor the 2nd time. I have to iterate, and get there gradually.
This week I’m in another DIY art/writing retreat, and it’s working so well that I don’t have words for it.
Of course, maybe you’re different. But, solidarity!
Thanks, that is great to know.
I’ve had several Sabbaticals so far that due to circumstances were more restorative (rest, more rest, then some more rest) than creative.
I’m frustrated that my emergency health breaks push away what I want to do, and there was no way to anticipate this.
Clearly, I need more rest breaks and Processing Time in my regular daily life.
Omgoodness, THIS:
agreed-upon word or hand-gesture to use
with friends and strangers alike
something that might mean
“I need to take a minute here to absorb what just happened”
or maybe “I am gathering myself and my thoughts”
Oh oh oh, this is so badly needed! And not just by me, I believe. I soooo think we need to workshop a gesture or word (or both) to begin practising in the world, allowing it to morph as need be, and grow into a global phresture (phrase/gesture). My automatic response is to hold my palm up in a ‘stop’ motion (not aggressively but more like ‘whoa-I-need-a-moment-here’ and slightly bow my head and half (fully?) close my eyes… (The words that go with it aren’t helpful—“Oomf!” “WTF?” “Ummmm…” “No, hang on a tic…”—I need something gentle and sovereign, whereas they all sound judgemental—for a reason, no doubt *grins*)
And this:
there is no pass that lets me
skip this level of the video game
This just resonates so profoundly… ohhh, so I’m simply ‘stuck’ at this level because I just haven’t mastered it—too easy, just stick with it until I master it; I *know* how to do this, as was good at Donkey Kong once upon a million years ago! *smiles shyly and feels hopeful*
My [foolish, selfish, totally unreasonable] wish?
a) The option to leave the game—just Switch It Off
b) The magical Everything Falls into Place to master this level
c) A team of support (including game experts, This Level experts, as well as just loving, kind, ‘you rock’ kind of supporters) behind me as I keep trying this most frustrating level of levels
d) The realisation that Oh, I’m Actually Playing the Wrong Game—yes, here is the correct one… and oh, look, it’s nowhere near as crushingly devastating; in fact… it’s kind of fun…
And yes, in order of preference *smiles sadly*
Beautiful wishes, may it be so <3
And this was the gesture that was the first to come to mind, too, in fact I've used it once or twice with my partner along with the words "give me a moment". It worked. Using it with people I don't know that well would be… interesting…
I use the time-out sign (with a smile) with people I know, have not tried it with strangers….
Yes! I’m so going to experiment with this!
(Whenever I remember about it) I’m a fan of the phrase “One moment please.” It works as a buffer phrase is *so many* situations.
Sweet. Putting that one in my back pocket.
I was away last week and missed this post, but so glad I came back and read it. I had a yoga teacher (the best I ever had) who used to say EXACTLY the same thing, haha!
And YES to boundaries, and the Right to Take Up Space. It reminded me to go and watch Vanessa Kisuule’s beautiful short film, ‘Take Up Space’, all over again and feel HAPPY and GOOD about doing just that, instead of wrong and scared.
<3<3<3