(0) beginnings and opposites
I am thinking about [things],
and noticing my strong reluctance to share any of them,
whether here and with you or at all,
reluctance is an understatement,
I want more than anything to turtle and hide,
to run and not look back,
and so I am going to breathe love and
DO THE OPPOSITE
let’s be here now
let’s be here, now
(0, again) entry into entry
The intentional practice of
Oh Hey What If We Do The Opposite is
one way — not the only way, just a good way —
to interrupt a pattern, which is what we do here,
or at least a big part of we do,
so let’s honor the spirit of lovingly interrupting
these old and spiraling patterns
(0.5) words about words
I want to find where courage lives in me and share with you
some bits and pieces of what is
currently weighing on my mind*
[CURRENT] is a big word right now, as is [WEIGHS],
there might be an entire novel’s worth of information
to explore and unpack in just these two words alone,
but for now it is hard enough to
to sit here with you, breathe, share,
let’s begin where we can
(1) ballast
I am thinking about the word BALLAST
aka anything we might let go of in order to rise up
or sail safely,
and also how scary it can be,
both the act of tossing-overboard
and the soaring itself,
the commitment required for that moment of
letting it go which is also the moment of
agreeing to embark, and not only embark but
directly into the unknown
(2) emptying
a flash of memory, a story I heard or read,
a couple decided to get rid of their belongings,
go live on the road in a tiny teardrop trailer,
they reduced to the most minimal basic essentials
but when the day came to set off, they discovered
it was still far too much, maybe two or three times
what would fit, they just started flinging things out,
left half their life by the side of the road,
they said they never missed any of it
(3) mixed
my own feelings with regards to this story are (at least right now)
complicated, chaotic, messy, uncomfortable,
I wrote and then erased many words around
the magic beans of privilege involved in
this particular genre of Letting Go,
how it becomes distorted and commodified
(4) now
this is not theoretical for me at the moment though,
you could say it strikes close to home
though also far from home
as I now find myself
in this exact situation though not by design
(4.5) timing
my home is [gone]
I have exited and do not yet know
where I might be headed
whatever does not fit in my car is not joining me on this mission
it has to exit my life because it cannot come along
though also because I am allergic to storage units,
and April has been an impossible game of tetris:
no matter how much I say goodbye to,
there somehow still seems to always be slightly more than a carload,
and this needs to magically resolve itself today
(5) hmmmm
there is another piece to this too
while solo adventuring is both most indicated and my actual desire,
I still find myself longing for a someone who will say
HEY THIS IS GOING TO BE — and is! — A GRAND ADVENTURE,
AND YOU ARE THE GRANDEST OF GRAND ADVENTURERS
as they kiss me goodbye and tuck my hair behind my ear,
glowing love for me and my voyage
wishing this wish, but then I remember:
I can let Incoming Me say this to me,
after all, she is my greatest love and I am hers,
forever-companions in wild aliveness and remembering truth
(6) uplifting
I am thinking about BUOYANCY,
the word for April, and how
it keeps coming up unexpectedly,
in every single yoga class I have been to,
the instructor will suddenly say
let your pelvis feel buoyant,
then a found note in familiar handwriting:
YOU CAN HAVE GROUNDING & BUOYANCY AT THE SAME TIME!
(6.5) flow
and now I am thinking about Virginia Woolf and
“I am rooted, but I flow”
(7) beginning with B
Ballast and Buoyancy and Bukowski
here is Tom Waits reading the laughing heart,
another heart clue, this one delivered by
someone who later revealed their own heart
in a way that was disorienting and disappointing
and scary
another word that begins with b,
let’s breathe a new question:
what is the treasure in
being done with how things were?
(8) breath-blessing
breathing the blessing of agreeing to let trauma follow the door,
watch it unwind its way out of my body,
new breath, new balance,
the dance of ballast and buoyancy
being being being
a flower unfolding,
learning to trust again
breathing for my heart,
breathing for healing,
breathing for believing
(9) believing
I am at the coast communing with the bridge,
this is what I do when I forget about buoyancy,
the bridge told me the next step is believing
to believe I get to have so much more and better
than what I currently (there’s that word again)
accept as the bare minimum baseline of respectful,
believe this and keep believing it
until we no longer encounter any of the people who
think their wanting takes precedence
over me, my sense of comfort, my sense of safety!
amen forever may it be so
(11) believe, again
a forever-clue from Maya Angelou:
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time.”
(11.5) believe your heart
oh this clue from Marie Kondo:
“Believe what your heart tells you when you ask.”
(x) nameless
this number doesn’t have a name because it is unknown,
a wild card number!
here is what it wants me to tell you:
the labyrinth said BELIEVE TO RECEIVE
and then it laughed
I heard a bell inside me
(12) bell-tower
my heart is a bell and my body is the belltower,
no, I am the belltower, all of me,
I am the home for a bell,
my mission is to create the best possible conditions
for resonance
for me, being a belltower is about inhabiting my body
(prowess for grounding)
(grounding for buoyancy)
but I am also a belltower of emotion
ringing and resounding, letting feeling reverberate through me,
and I am a belltower of mental clarity
and a belltower of ringing spirit
fully embodied and resonant, clear and here,
feet to crown
(13) what is a buoy
it floats but is also self-grounding
a marker and therefore a boundary (!)
not to mention
completely at home in flow-state
oh month of buoyancy
you hold so much more than I’d realized
(14) the rally of further reductions
I am deep-dive immersed in the missions of further reductions,
not only the letting go of everything that can’t come with me,
but letting myself get lost in the vastness
of exploring what else this might mean,
what is or might be contained within
[Further + Reduction]
REDUCTION feels like magic, an incantation
FURTHER says please continue
(14.5) incantations
REDUCTION like releasing: again, let go of ballast to soar
REDUCTION like a sauce: you have less but you get more (taste! intensity! delight!)
REDUCTION like down to basics
REDUCTION like INDUCTION
REDUCTION like RE-GROUNDING
REDUCTION like release to receive
REDUCTION like exhale to let it out of psyche
REDUCTION like reduce distractions aka Clear The Path To Clear The Path
REDUCTION like a fire sale, or maybe a moving sale
REDUCTION is Luscious Minimalism, Less to Yes, Pleasure In Freedom
(15) the wrong question
I am so tired of being asked where I am going next
and even more tired of the answer
I DO NOT KNOW I DO NOT KNOW
(stop asking please, I will know when I know),
okay so what is a new and better question
I want to experience this adventure of horizons
as buoyant and uplifting, exciting, expansive,
and yet constantly being asked and having no answer feels awful,
the question of where feels tight and cramped in my heart
maybe Question of Where is my cover band (cover band!)
(16) the price is right
A friend in Seattle said, and I am sharing this without context because
I can’t remember the context and also it doesn’t matter:
“The Price Is Right is basically the best sexual and romantic relationship I’ve ever had. THAT WHEEL. Will they get a dollar?! Will they go over or under?! The anticipation?!”
(16.5) a state of
this is how I want to feel about
not knowing where I am going, or when, or for how long,
I just want to reside in a state of delicious anticipation
(17) what if I have been wrong about everything
what if I have been wrong about this perceived high-stress
situation of not knowing what is happening or what the plan is?
what if this is actually a very fun, playful and fulfilling
situation of not knowing what is happening,
what if I could feel buoyancy, lightness,
excited sparks about the not knowing?
(17.5) labyrinth
I went to the labyrinth at the wildlife refuge,
and it said HEY DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT BUOYANCY IS,
it said, BUOYANCY IS THE PRACTICE OF KEEPING THINGS AFLOAT,
YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO FLOAT ON THE CURRENT,
YOU HAVE JUST FORGOTTEN THE PART WHERE YOU HAVE TO
PRIORITIZE KEEPING YOURSELF EASILY AFLOAT
(18) lightness: light and light hearted
then had this same exact realization in yoga with Em,
I have been making all the simple things complicated
and all the light things not-light,
what if I don’t need to solve anything,
just follow the next indicated step of
[get outdoors, be in the sun]
and listen to what is next
(yes) I will know when I know
I will know when I know,
flowering and emerging
floating and grounding,
sailing and seeding,
this is the life of buoyancy,
close your eyes,
breathe your way back to bell state,
awaken as a new bell
follow your light heart of light
go live in a light house
and fill space with light
may it be so or something even better!
Announcement!
We need to hold a MOVING SAIL/SALE which is a funny (to me) phrase, moving the sails in order to move with the sails and be moved [somewhere], I cannot wait to find out what will move in me, and in us. Have not yet had time to sit with my heart until I feel what is most yes to offer, here is what came up in my scribbled notes for consideration so far, feel free to feel into what among this might be yes for you and share that in the comments if you like…
(1) bring back old products for this month!
(2) an shared online communal adventure (like the two weeks we spend on Wild Self-Treasuring) but for spring cleaning ops and other missions of releasing and clearing space!
(3) compass-poetry distance sessions (tell me what your compass is and I will do a deep-dive into it and share what I learn)
Invitation for this post!
You are welcome as always to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on or explore any of the themes, seed wishes for the month of Buoyancy and beyond.
We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice.
Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.
Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.
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I’ve been thinking lately about how the opposite of buoyancy is tension. Tightening and constricting increase density, thereby reducing buoyancy. The first thing people have to learn when they’re learning to swim is to release muscle tension so they can float.
Similarly, beginners at ice skating have trouble balancing because they skate too slow. Like with riding a bicycle, in skating the momentum that comes with speed is what helps you balance. But beginners always think, “Well, if I’m unbalanced going slow, I definitely shouldn’t try to go faster!”
I’ve been thinking about what the equivalent rookie mistakes are for other things. In what other endeavors might I be failing because I’m unaware that the most intuitive approach is actually the opposite of what I should be doing?
(As for the sail, the spring cleaning / space clearing sounds great!)
This is beautiful, what good reminders. Releasing tension to float. True for dance too.
I also struggle with not having an answer when people ask me “what are you doing next” or “what comes after that ” or “where are you going” – as if they think I have things planned out like that? So one of my answers has become a variation on a theme – “I’ll find out when I get there” or “Tomorrow’s path is for tomorrow to unveil” or “I’m going into the FUTURE!”
Where are you going next? Oh, so many answers that are right for me and maybe even right for the person who’s asking, maybe to get them to think in a different direction:
Forward. Tomorrow. On an adventure. Exploring. I’ll write you a postcard and let you know when I’ve found it.
Love it! INTO THE FUTURE, further explorations, postcards!
* <3 *
It's been a rough couple of months. In February I lost a deeply and dearly loved uncle, and today we buried my father-in-law. There have been other hard things as well, but those feel like the big two.
The power of pattern interruption has been a gift. Pause, breathe, remember -- then do something, any little thing, often a very, very light thing, and allow the shift.
As for the Sail, I am one who stands at the harbor, communing with the ocean and breathing in the breeze, eagerly awaiting the first sight of Sails. Whatever is offered, I will hope for a way to take part.
–<3
Thinking of you, Kat. And yes to standing at the harbor, me too me too, ocean-communing and waving!
Haha waves/waves, amazing
“close your eyes,
breathe your way back”
Thank you for this.
It’s been a year since MrB died and I’ve been slowly finding my feet again.
I am living alone for the first time in my life. I’m feeling my way into non-shared space, physically and metaphorically. I thought that the unaccustomed solitude might overwhelm me with loneliness and I’d invite people into my life/my home just to fill the emptiness. Sometimes I wish for someone to share my life and my space…
“… noticing how painful it is to watch myself
wishing this wish, but then I remember:
I can let Incoming Me say this to me,
after all, she is my greatest love and I am hers,
forever-companions in wild aliveness and remembering truth”
Slowly I am coming to appreciate, even revel in, the unaccustomed spaciousness that is now my life. Soledad (“solitude”) and I together — I don’t know if Soledad is Incoming Me or if she’s housemate and companion — we are exploring “What Next”.
so much love for you and for your loss. I lost my husband end of Feb ’17, it is very sad and disorienting and you never know what it is going to come up.
heart sighs for your wishes, and for being held by IncomingYou
Lots of love your way. Yes to this newness of Soledad as a new true companion for shared exploring, I can FEEL the power and beauty in that.
Reduction – this resonates so much. I am preparing to move in one month so this is a big topic in the sense of de-cluttering, reducing belongings, creating cosyness through minimalism. I don’t have a lot of stuff but more than what will fit in my new place so I am pondering on how to reduce lusciously and not reluctantly.
Reduction also in the painful sense of reduced physical power, something I have witnessed in the gradual and scary decline of my father‘s health over the past months. I wish he will turn stubborness and non-acceptance to an exploration of the possibilities for re-expansion of the lungs, the muscles, the mind.
Wishing you safe easy moving and Powers Gained in turning things into other things, yes to re-expansion in new ways. <3 <3 <3
Sparkle from learning to swim (which magically auto -corrected to swing): you cannot flail and float at the same time. Stop flailing and you’ll begin floating.
And a sparkle about swinging: flailing intentionally is how you fly (possibly both in swimming and swinging).
<3
SWING! FLAIL! FLOAT! Also it makes me think about how swing dance is actually super grounded and controlled, even though what you see from the outside is the play. Love this.
I had forgotten that Buoyancy is the quality of April.
It is exactly perfect.
“I have been making all the simple things complicated
and all the light things not-light,
what if I don’t need to solve anything,
just follow the next indicated step of
[get outdoors, be in the sun]
and listen to what is next”
Yes yes yes yes yes. So many sparks from my current perceived-crisis situation.
I feel buoyant reading this! <3
what is the treasure in
being done with how things were?
So much treasure in this. Love that beautiful picture. LOVE the return to buoyancy–I used to have this quality. now i feel weighted down always, so what has changed.
Finding myself wishing for more clues, for more guidance from [bridges] and [nature] and [labyrinths].
Wishing for Next Indicated Steps to show up.
Mmmm may it be so, come in Next Indicated!
[2]! Spring cleaning!
(Or as my phone translated it, sitting checking, which kind of also works.
I miss the wild self treasuring (or wild-self treasuring)
And I don’t [understand] this post but I love it and it fills me with possibilities and maybe-I’m-overcomplicating-and-it’s-really-ok.
Thank you Havi. What beauty you share with us.
Oh [3] also sounds awesome. As does [1]. But I think [2] is what I need most.
<3 <3 <3 for you and also for [sitting checking] which is a very cool translation and feels like a clue to me!
Buoyancy showed up for me by resonance magic last week in the midst of a series of Difficult and Complex and narratives of Everything Is Going Wrong and I Always Screw Things Up and general Never Good Enough blahhhhhh
Thank you Bouyancy, thank you Resonance Magic, thank you Right Metaphor For Me (of birthing pangs) that transformed narratives of pointless pain into narratives of productive pain and I Was Born For This flavoured anticipation and challenge.
Am learning just how much my agency lives in finding my way back into that sense of I Was Born For This anticipation, girding my loins, eyes narrowing, focussed energy, This Is Going To Be Great, Bring It, point of departure, awareness of process, marking milestones in my peripheral vision, directed power.
The fact that Perfect Simple Solutions showed up after the narrative transformation/ arrival of Bouyancy/ return to agencious power could be coincidence, probably is, and yet the story that my choices impacted the outcome feels empowering and good. I am a human with a human mind and if The Universe Looks After Me is a deified idea that actually just helps me cope I will be humble enough to deify an idea.
I’m upgrading my housing in the least painful way shortly and would value company to undertake spring cleaning, decluttering, following 120% yes, konmari-ing, releasing, releasing, releasing.
Thank you Bouyancy and Agency and Companionship and Fluency and Resonating Bells xoxoxo
Mmmmm all those RESONATING BELLS, I have also been experiencing this, solutions showing up after crown is restored. Mad love for you. BORN FOR THIS. Hell yeah.
Dear Havi,
I so appreciate all you bring forth into the world. I am preparing a group program of my own and would love to include a Solution of Salves a gift (resource) for my participants. I’m reaching out to request a bulk purchase and inquire if it would change the cost.
I don’t have a final number yet but I’m guessing it will between 5 and 16. If it goes as well as I expect I would likely make the same request in the future. BTW The program is called Sumptuous Living: An Immersion in the Lush Support of Life
Forgive me for posting in the comments but I did not see another way to contact you. With love and appreciation, Joni
Hi Joni! Thank you for sweet words, will sit and breathe on it and have R email you, cheers to buoyancy in all forms, also for your sumptuousness-based program! <3
Wonderful, thanks.
I look forward to hearing from R.
I also want to share with you, I’ve come through a really rough start to 2018 (I know I’m not alone) – liked stripped bare down to the bone. I can’t tell you how many times your gentle suggestion, “Maybe this is the biggest miracle unfolding” (or some version of that) got my through to the other side still breathing and intact.
Deeply grateful. <3
I have come back to this post a bunch of times, because there is so much here for me. I too have been turtling and hiding, and I would like to find the place where courage lives (just writing it brings me so much closer to the place where courage resides).
I am asking myself what is my ballast? Fear, anxiety, self-doubt, this is my ballast.
Inviting the unknown into my life, “in a state of delicious anticipation”, thank you for this image, this sketch of a map, Maybe I too can be a belltower, watching over my life, my business, my role in my community, marking my own boundaries in a joyful, helpful, and resonant way.
also to weigh an anchor means to prepare a vessel for departure. I hope that your departure was ease-ful and that your new adventure is beckoning in a friendly way.
mmmm that is so beautiful, the place where courage resides, heart-space, boundary-marking, weighing the anchor, beckoning adventures, yes! <3